An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 34/?
Fandom: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Yoda, Anakin Skywalker, Shmi Skywalker, Sheev Palpatine | Darth Sidious, CC-2224 | Cody, Garen Muln, Padmé Amidala, CT-7567 | Rex
Additional Tags: Mace is Obi-Wan's Master, Yoda is always meddling, Angst with a Happy Ending, Qui-Gon is broken, mention of violence, Anakin is a sweet kiddo, Shmi is my ultimate Creche mom, With Love there is always hope, Sith Qui-Gon, Darth Acheros, Protective Cody, Jango makes a great dad, Minor Cody/Rex, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Panic Attacks, Mental Health Issues
Summary:
Chapter 34, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan return to Coruscant after three years.
Obi-Wan’s robes are too long for his height and the shoulders are too wide. Headcanon that Obi-Wan had already started his bad habit of throwing robes off dramatically and never going back for them. This is one of Qui-Gon’s robes.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I've had a rough week with over time at work, the hurricane and some personal issues. I have decided to add a scene that I hadn't planned on, so there might be more than two chapters left. I will be updating on Fridays at least for the month of October, as I have to work on Thursdays for the time being. This chapter was a bit rough and I hope I did it justice. I will admit that I cried towards the end and had to look at my own warnings to remind myself that there was no Major Character death. (winks at Blue). All feedback is appreciated as I'm beginning to lose faith in my writing.
Chapter 25: Will the world always be tinted red?
The sun rose as it always had above the Naboo horizon. This was no different than the millions of years prior. However, for the species that now inhabited that ground, it was anything but a normal start to their day. They faced a foe that sought to wipe them from the very planet they called home, a foe that wanted nothing more than a total and complete surrender of the freedom all species held so dear. The camp that held the Queen and the Jedi bustled with energy as they all prepared for what was to come. Padme no longer hid behind the disguise of her handmaidens and was able to shed her gowns and just be herself, it was something to behold as she ordered about beings more than twice her age. She would be a strong force to reckon with in the future if they survived this day.
Qui-Gon continued to watch everyone shift about, his very soul locked into the life force around them. He reached out to the trees, the animals and the beings that he knew would give their lives this day, he only wished that his new comrades and friends made it through the battle ahead. Out of the corner of his eye he captured a glimpse of ginger hair, Obi-Wan. His mind still called out to the other half of his heart, only to find the way obstructed, it made the young man unsettled but there was nothing he could do to fix it. He promised to accept the younger man’s decision, but his soul ached for completion. The bond sought a connection that he was scared he would never have again after this day settled.
Just as he was about to draw near and speak to Obi-Wan a hand was placed gently upon his shoulder, holding him back. “I know that you are hurting, young one. I wish I could give you the time that is needed to sort that out, but today your mind must be on our task at hand. This is going to be a dangerous mission with not only the war that must be fought, but the emergence of what we all believe to be the rise of the Sith. I do not have a good feeling about this, my padawan, and you must seek your center, even in the throes of such hurt and longing. We are Jedi; we must protect those that cannot protect themselves.” Mace saw his padawan’s face harden with the words that were spoken. He hated to be the one to put that look on his face but he had horrible dreams of Qui-Gon’s death the night before. He had lost his father; he could not bear to lose the son as well.
“I’m sorry, my master. There is a time and place for my brooding and now is not that time. With your permission, I would like to go meditate before all hell breaks loose.” Mace nodded with approval. “Before…Before we do not have the chance, I wish to tell you something.” Qui-Gon turned before his master and saw the worry, doubt and love wash over the normally calm features. It set his stomach to unease, as if his master expected none of them to live through this day. “Ten years ago I found a young man who was lost, angry and afraid on a war torn planet. He had done his best to survive in circumstances that would have wilted the strongest masters. That was the day my life truly started, Qui-Gon. It was the day that I once again had something to live for and if we…If we are to meet our end this day, I wanted you to know how much that moment shined in my life. I will love you always, in this life and the next. Please watch your back as I cannot watch it this time. Dooku and I will be going with the Gungan forces to help protect the masses. This is your trial my young one. It falls on you and Obi-Wan to protect the Queen as you try to slip into the palace and rescue the political hostages that the trade federation is using as black mail.”
Qui-Gon listened to what may be the last words spoken outside of the force from his Master. It was a surreal moment, but one he would cling to desperately in the hours to come. Pushing his body closer to Mace, he wrapped his arms around the strong form and embraced as if it were the last time. “If not in this life, than we will meet in the next, my master.” Qui-Gon reluctantly let go and gave a weak smile to Mace. He was about to turn around and leave when the force prodded at him to speak. “Master, if something should happen. Would you please help Master Dooku take care of Obi-Wan, I fear for him if…”
Mace clenched his jaw and wanted to scream at the force and his padawan to stay with him, and not to leave. It was easy to say the words, but it was harder to match his actions and let go of his padawan. He had to let him let go and allow him to become the Jedi he was destined to be. “Say no more, Qui. You both will have a place in our hearts no matter what happens and we will always take care of one another, we are a family.”
Qui-Gon swallowed his mouth suddenly dry as he thought of leaving the one person in the world that needed him the most. “One last thing, I don’t think I can tell him this now, but tell him I love him.” Mace just nodded his head, the fear taking over once more. They both felt the force at work and it was leading his apprentice in a direction that would either make or break him. Qui-Gon reached up and gently stroked Mace’s cheek, “Don’t fear for me, Master. Don’t shut down again either, you will have a young boy that will need you more than ever. Train the boy if I cannot. He deserves the very best and I can think of no better master.”
“I will promise no such thing because you will be coming back to me.” Qui-Gon gave him a weak smile that showed no conviction in that statement. “Good bye, Master, Father, Mace. You will always be all three to me.”
As he walked from the dark-skinned master he ran straight into Obi-Wan and Anakin. “Living in the moment, means watching out where you are going.” Obi-Wan’s sass made it seem as if nothing had happened between the two. “Perhaps I’m seeking out the future for once. Where are you two off to in a hurry?” It was a cordial conversation as if everything in the galaxy was pleasant, but it was better than the silence that permeated their lives the last few days.
“Obi said I could say good bye to Master Mace and Dooku.” Anakin looked at the two padawans and realized that something was going on that he didn’t know about. He just wanted his new friends to be happy and safe and at this moment they were neither.
“The Queen thought it better that Anakin stay with us and her group. It would be safer than on the battlefield.” Obi-Wan placed his hands gently on the young boy’s shoulders. This was no place for a nine year old, but they had no choice, many nine year olds on this planet were in the same situation and didn’t have a Jedi for a body guard, they had to do the best they could for Anakin.
“I fear there is no safe place at the moment, you be sure to listen to me Ani, and do not disobey my orders. Do you understand?” The brow on Qui-Gon’s forehead lifted, as he gave Anakin his best Mace Windu scowl, it had always made him listen. “The same goes for Padawan Kenobi, you will listen to us both or you will find your life very unpleasant after this mission is over. I have heard that cleaning the rocks in the garden by hand can take days if not weeks.”
“Yes Qui-Gon, sir.” Qui-Gon reached out and rustled the flaxen hair and tried not to look over at Obi-Wan, his heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. “I need to meditate before we leave for the capital. You mind what Obi-Wan tells you.” Qui-Gon turned to leave and didn’t see the utter look of sadness in the eyes of the man he loved. “Obi-Wan, sir, Are you and Mast…I mean Qui-Gon ok?”
“I wish I had an answer for you, Ani. Just make sure you listen to Qui and keep safe, this won’t be easy for any of us.” Obi-Wan watched as the tall majestic man sank to his knees before a colossal tree and centered his consciousness in the force. It was so easy for him to just give himself over to the force and allow it to take care of the future. He didn’t have the visions, he didn’t have the fears of watching everyone he loved die. “I won’t let you die for me, I have to be stronger.” He thought to himself.
“Padawan, we will be leaving with the Gungans shortly.” Obi-Wan turned to see his master towering over him. “Take good care of Master Mace, Qui-Gon would never forgive you if he did something stupid like get hurt.” Dooku knew his padawan well enough to know that he was trying to repress his emotions by using humor and wit. “I will take care of my own, that includes you.” Dooku took a breath and spoke as his master once more. “Qui-Gon will be the senior padawan on this mission, make sure you listen to his input and try not to think of tomorrow. Let today sort itself out first.” Jard smiled down at the young man and couldn’t believe that they would be parted in just a few minutes. Would this be the last time they would all see each other together?
“Yes, Master. We will be fine. We will do our duty.”
“I would expect no less from you both. May the force be with you.”
“It is time, Jard. The Gungans are waiting for us. May the force watch over you Obi-Wan, take good care of my padawan?” Mace reached out for Obi-Wan’s hand and gently squeezed it. They were brothers in arms, but also brothers that shared a father; they would always be connected by that and more. Glancing over to the trees he took one last look at the padawan kneeling in meditation.
“He’s in good hands, Master Mace.”
“Indeed, he will be.” Master Dooku and Master Windu walked up the ramp of a nearby transport, not turning back. They didn’t have many superstitions, but you never looked back, your path was forever forward.
Obi-Wan turned as the transport disappeared into the distance and ran into a solid surface. He was face to chest with Qui-Gon, bumping into him awkwardly. “It looks like the time has come. The Queen is ready to take back her capital for the people of Naboo. Are you ready Obi-Wan?” He swallowed before he answered, his name hallow on the lips of the man he had hurt time and time again, but this time it was his real name, not the nickname that brought them closer together. “Qui…”
“It’s ok Obi-Wan, we have a duty. We will protect the queen and see that Anakin is safe.” Qui-Gon had found his strength within the force during meditation; it told him that all would be well no matter the outcome. He had trusted the force his entire life, he would not doubt it now.
“Very well, if that is the way you wish it.” The hardness of the voice made Qui-Gon wince, but this was not his decision. This is what his Obi-wan wished, why did he feel as if he were the one at fault.
“I have very little say in anything that involves us…” Qui-Gon spoke softly but was heard by Ben, his body tensing at the words. “Please, don’t be that way, Qui.”
“Enough Padawan Kenobi, I tire of the games, it is time for us to leave.” Qui-Gon could tell by the flash of pain in the blue eyes that he was being harsh, but it was instinct, he was trying to protect his fragile heart. “Anakin, get aboard the transport with the Queen, we are leaving immediately.” Qui-Gon started to bark orders around them, making sure they were prepared for what was to come. Obi-Wan just stood silent in the same spot, unable to move. This was for the best; this would keep Qui-Gon safe. He would be hurt now, but he would forget him, he would find another love.
Qui-Gon looked up, startled to hear the thoughts he thought were blocked tightly behind adamantine shields. “You are wrong, there will never be another.” The older padawan strode up the ramp, pushing Anakin in front of him and waiting patiently for everyone to board.
A few hours later the transport made its way through secret tunnels to the palace hanger. The queen, her guards and the Jedi poured from the vehicle and stood, taking a deep breath. “We have word that the hostages are being held in the throne room, and Nute Gunray is with them. There was also word of a red and black tattooed being.” Qui-Gon looked to Obi-Wan and nodded his head. “We will take care of the Sith, you should be able to take over the throne room while we keep him occupied.” Looking around at the fighters around the room, he gazed at Anakin and pulled him close. “You will get into that cockpit and secure it. You will not MOVE from there, do you understand me?”
“Yes sir, I will not move.” He hugged the boy one last time and watched as Ani climbed into the fighter and secured the hold. He would be safer there than anywhere else at this moment. Just as they were about to leave they spotted a figure blocking the entrance way of the door. Padme and the rest of the guards immediately backed away from the figure and glanced to the Jedi. “We will handle this.” Obi-Wan flipped his robe off quickly, and ignited his light saber, with Qui-Gon following behind him.
“Very well, we will find another way around. May the force be with you both.” The queen took one last look at the Jedi and prayed that she would see them again.
Obi-Wan looked upon the figure as he opened his mouth to reveal sharp rotten teeth, a smile that was filled with eagerness to maim and harm the Jedi before him. It was an willingness to end all light upon this planet and within the galaxy. With both sabers lit and ready for a fight they watched on as Darth Maul ignited his weapon and were shocked to see that both sides were red as blood.
All three moved to the center of the hanger and start a deadly dance. Each pass of the red, green and blue light saber made a pattern in the thick air. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon went on the defensive immediately, they hoped to wear down the Sith, but he was so strong that they both realized immediately that they would have to do more than just defend and switched to the offensive. Just as they switched, Obi-Wan landed a slight blow to the arm of the Zabarak.
The smell of burnt flesh was now in the air and it earned a sneer from the dark man. “I have lived for this moment for many years, Kenobi. I will have my vengeance; you will not take my place at my master’s side. I will kill you!” Obi-Wan winced as he felt the hatred and anger fill the area around them. It was trying to overtake the light, it made him nauseous.
Obi-Wan paled at the voice, unable to process what that voice meant. “Bruck? Bruck Chun? How could you? I knew you weren’t the best padawan, but how could you take sides with a Sith?”
“I’m so glad that you figured it out, it took you long enough. I will take pleasure in eliminating your revolting lover’s life and then yours. Enough talk!” Suiting the words to the deed, Maul pressed on and pushed the two forms into the power generator room, laughing on the inside as he knew they would follow him to their death. His master was wrong, the two were so at odds with each other and the force that they were not all powerful, they were weak and pathetic. With each lunge and deflection the swords connected with each other, three colors coming together in an instant as Maul jumped from the narrow bridge in the generator room to a higher one. Each Jedi took turns jumping up after the Sith, one on either side as their conflict carried on.
Outside in a meadow of emerald the Gungan and Droid federation were continuing to battle for the lives of every creature on the planet. Dooku and Mace had their sabers lit, deflecting bolts that would have left many Gungans at the mercy of the force. It was looking like they would lose this day, as the forces continued to push back against the droid army. “We must try to end this, how much longer before the pilots get to the droid control ship? We must give them time to shut the droids down!”
Anakin startled as the fighter he was hiding in started up and started to power on, R2D2 in the back whistled a warning at the young boy. “Qui-Gon told me to stay here, I won’t disobey now!” R2 let out a shrill whistle that amused the young boy. “You are right, R2. Try to shut it down. While technically following Master Qui-Gon’s instructions I don’t want to anger him again.” Just as the boy started to think that they were bound for space no matter what he wanted, the fighter suddenly shuddered and shut down. “Let’s get out of here and hide by the crates. I don’t want that thing to start up again, R2.” Anakin closed his eyes against the vision he had had the day prior of him flying that same ship in space and blowing something up. He had a choice, and he chose to obey his future master, he would not run off without thinking again.
Padme, Panaka and the royal guards quickly entered the throne room as they fought the droid forces protecting the Viceroy. They secured the room quickly to find Nute Gunray by the window, his arms thrown up in surrender. “This is not what we bargained for. Sidious told us…” Just as the Viceroy spoke, something inside his brain was ripped away and his lifeless body fell to the cold marble floor. “We have secured the throne room, please send a communication to the Jedi and see if we fair as well on the battlefield.” Padme looked into the dead eyes of the alien that sought to enslave them, wondering what dark force had kept him from speaking.
As the battle of Theed continued on, both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan continued to fight for their lives and the lives of those that lived in the light. This was but the first step in a new Sith War. Landing a lucky blow, the sith suddenly knocked Obi-Wan off the ramp, Qui-Gon winced as he watched the body come to a hard blow and roll off. He knew that his Ben was not dead, but it was a distraction none the less. The anger started to roll off Qui-Gon and he thrust quickly at Maul and knocked him down the generator room several levels below. He followed quickly, landing steadily on his feet as Maul came to his, and they continued the skirmish with just the two of them.
Obi-Wan panted slightly and pulled himself to the catwalk, catching his breath for a moment as he looked up at the two sabers clashing. Qui-Gon was angry and letting the dark settle around him, a trap that the Sith had laid and one that Qui-Gon was playing right into. Obi-Wan swiftly leapt to his feet and jumped up to the higher bridge, trying to catch up.
Maul leered once again as he realized the tall Jedi was wavering before him. This would be the place for their last stand; this is where the two Jedi would die by his hand. The dark form retreated to a long hallway, filled with red rays that pulsed in a pattern every few minutes. Maul backed up several paces, letting the red wall settle in front of him, separating both Qui-Gon and the Sith.
Obi-Wan started to run down the hallway, feeling the dread that he would not make it in time to catch up with Qui-Gon. They both had to wait for the next pulse to once again come together in battle, but Qui-Gon, the ultimate Jedi, dropped to his knees in meditation, coming to terms with what was to happen. He knew this was the moment he dreaded. Just then the red wall plunged in front of Obi-Wan, keeping him inches from the man that meant everything to him. The young man realized what would happen.
“Wait!” Obi-Wan screamed out at Qui-Gon, who did not flinch, the Jedi saved his energy for one last push against the sith.
“Yes, Oafy-Wan. I always knew this was my destiny, not yours. I will enjoy taking everything from you, he will die! My master was wrong to think that you could destroy him, you are nothing but a weak padawan that should have been purged at your birth.”
“You will wait for me, Qui-gon, or so help me, I will never speak to you again!”
Qui-Gon let his force presence linger gently against Ben’s cheek and smiled. “I will do what I must.” Just as the force field dropped, Qui-Gon sprung to his feet and started at the red and black mass before him.
They continued to fight in the melting pit of the Theed generator room, as Obi-Wan was once again caught behind massive red shields. He was destined to watch his love die; there was no way to stop it. “Please Qui-Gon, please don’t leave me…”
“Young love, how cute!” The sith mocked Obi-Wan and it held the attention of Qui-Gon who was caught off guard by a jab to the face and a saber to the midsection of his body.
‘NOOOOOO!” Obi-Wan cried and glared at the smile upon Bruck’s face. Obi-Wan reached out in the force, only to feel Qui-Gon’s presence gently slipping away. He needed to finish this quickly, he had to save him!
“Too…easy.” Bruck stated as he kicked the man on the floor in front of him.
Just as the force field dropped, Obi-Wan swiftly attacked Bruck Chun with all his strength, anger and fear, all the things that they were taught never to use. They twisted and flipped in the air as they both knew the battle was coming to an end. Maul pushed the offensive, even with the anger that radiated off the young padawan he still dictated the pace of their match, he saw an opening and quickly thrust his leg out. The blow caught Obi-Wan in the side and he tumbled onto the floor and into the melting pit, his saber flying past him into the heat below. Obi-Wan managed to grasp hold of a pipe, holding on for his life and that of Qui-Gon. This was the moment, this is where they lived or died.
Obi-Wan concentrated on the force and felt the force signature that he craved, still alive, but barely. He then was able to pinpoint the fallen lightsaber and call it to his hand as he jumped from the melting pit to land behind a surprised Bruck Chun. As the light saber flew into his hand he ignited the green blade and cut the man in half before him, the pieces falling into the pit below. There was no pride, no celebration, Obi-Wan quickly threw the saber down to the floor and rushed to Qui-Gon’s side.
“It’s too…late.” His eyes were closed and he struggled to re-open them. He wanted the last thing he saw in this plane to be that of the man he loved beyond everything.
“It is not too late. I can save you, please hold on for me Qui, please don’t leave me!” Obi-Wan grasped at his body and pulled him into his lap, trying to ignore the smell of burnt flesh, he knew Qui-Gon was going into shock from the pain.
“I will never…” Qui-Gon choked slightly as blood trickled from his lips. “Leave you. Promise me you will look after Ani.”
“No! You are going to stay with me, you are going to train him and love him. I will follow you into the force!”
“I…Love…” Just as the words left his mouth, his eyes closed and his body went limp.
“Don’t you leave me Qui-Gon Jinn!” The padawan screamed at the top of his lungs and quickly pushed down the feeling of futility as the force swirled around them both. He blocked out all the overwhelming emotion, and went to work. He sank himself into the living force and imagined the pathways of Qui-Gon’s body, feeling the weak heart beat and wished it to beat stronger.
Without thought, he reached for his comlink and opened a channel to all that were listening. “The Sith is no more, but Qui-Gon is down. Someone please send help to the generator room, quick…He’s dying.” Obi-Wan suddenly felt a surge in strength as his master fed him energy from their bond and Mace fed Qui-Gon directly through theirs. It had to be enough, he had to hold on.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around the cooling body, trying to will the warmth back, staving off the effects of shock. “Live for me, Live with me, together. I know now that I cannot live in a world without you and understand that the same goes for you. I was selfish and didn’t see it before, please come back and love me…”The words poured out in between the sniffles and tears running down his cheek. It seemed like hours later, but truly it had only been minutes, when help had arrived. Padme, Panaka and medics were flying down the room and yelling to shut down the force fields. “Obi…oh Qui. The Droid control ship was destroyed and the Viceroy is dead, but I never thought it would cost…” Padme kneeled before the two and reverently touched the long brown braid.
“Excuse us, we need room to work.” The medic spoke to both the Queen and Obi-Wan.
“I won’t stay in your way, but I need to stay connected to him, he would be gone now if it weren’t for the force energy I’m feeding him.” Obi-Wan was surprised at how smooth his voice came through; he wanted to just take his Qui back into his arms and never again let go.
“Very well, we are going to move him immediately, if we don’t get him into the tank soon, he won’t have any chance at survival.” Everyone gently took hold of Qui-Gon’s large form, even Padme, and lifted him up on the floating med-bed.
“Live Qui, That’s an order…Live.”
Just as the last words left his lips, Anakin entered flying down the bridge and into the room. “Master….Master. MASTER!” Anakin flung himself at Qui-Gon’s still figure and started weeping. “I didn’t move master, the ship was going to go into space and I knew you wanted me safe. I didn’t move. I listened to your orders.” The boy was rambling hysterically as tears streamed down his face. It broke Obi-Wan’s heart even more and he clutched the young child in his arms and wrapped him around his body, clinging to the boy for dear life as he sobbed into his shoulder and neck.
“Do you feel what I’m doing Ani?” He whispered softly to the child, trying to calm him.
“It feels…you’re giving him the force.”
“That’s right Ani. Master Mace and Dooku are also offering what they can, until they can be here in person. Would you like me to guide you on how to help?” The little boy needed something to concentrate on, other than the darkness around them at every corner.
“Please…I don’t want to lose him.” Obi-Wan closed his eyes, trying to hold in his own tears.
“Me either, young one, let us go and offer what support we can. I have a feeling it is going to be a long night.” Obi-Wan then thought of putting the young boy down to follow the medic team but realized that he needed Ani’s comfort just as much and held on tighter as they walked behind Qui-Gon. It would be a long night indeed, but at least at this point, Qui-Gon was still with them and if one Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker had anything to say about it, he would be there for many many years to come.
ok but "Just the Way You Are" for quiobi especially platonically and Qui-Gon in that unconditional parent love saying his smile "makes people stop and stare for a while" (we're completely ignoring the line about kissing and lips just work with me here) Qui-Gon just watching Obi-Wan with hearteyes all the time because he loves everything he does and loves everything about him
“I want to speak to him first,” Obi-Wan says, curled over his knees on his and Qui-Gon’s well-worn sofa. He is wringing his hands, trying to stay calm. “What if he doesn’t listen?”
Master Windu sits beside him and rests a hand on his back. “Even if it takes a few tries to get it through his thick skull, he will listen to you. Believe it or not, you are the only one who ever got him to follow any rules.”
Obi-Wan gives him a wan smile. “I was, wasn’t I?”
Master Windu laughs. “Despite his struggles, Qui-Gon has always cared for you. He simply could not bring himself to show it.”
Obi-Wan lets out a deep breath and runs his fingers through his hair. He has never felt such anxiety for simply speaking to his master, but he has also never spilled out all of his fears and concerns to him before.
When the door slides open, Obi-Wan feels his heart leap into his throat and he tries to draw on his years of Jedi training to keep from running and hiding in his room like a youngling. The moment he sees Qui-Gon that same warmth he felt when he was twelve blooms in his chest and spreads through his body. He has always loved him so dearly and now he is forced to tell him some very ugly truths.
He nearly forces himself to smile at Qui-Gon, but realizes he should not deceive him into thinking this is a light-hearted conversation.
“What do you need?” Qui-Gon asks, stripping out of his cloak and hanging it on the hook by the door.
Suddenly Obi-Wan feels as if his throat has closed and his mouth has gone dry. His face must betray his anxiety because Qui-Gon’s features soften slightly. His presence in their bond goes warm and encouraging so Obi-Wan can finally spit it out.
“I need to speak with you about—” his breath catches in his throat “—about our relationship.”
He knows that his choice of words is poor and does nothing to convey his actual intent. He wrings his hands in front of himself, his anxiety continuing to increase as the three of them stand there in the common room of his and Qui-Gon’s quarters.
Qui-Gon gives him a slightly quizzical look and Obi-Wan silently curses himself for losing all of his usual tact with words. But he knows Qui-Gon will not interrupt because he has at least that much respect for him. Obi-Wan takes a deep breath but it does not calm him. He forces himself to get right to the point. If he tries to take his time, then he will surely lose his confidence.
“I want to know if you’re serious about taking Anakin as your Padawan and having me take my Trials,” Obi-Wan says.
His stomach sinks when Qui-Gon hesitates. He had managed to convince himself that maybe Qui-Gon had only spoken because the Council was bucking him and had not meant it at all. His eyes flick to Master Windu, who gives him a calm nod, and he looks back to his master.
“I’m not ready to take my Trials,” he says. “We just had a conversation about me remaining with you for another few years until I am more confident. I’m afraid you are trying to rush me simply because you think you need to train Anakin.”
“Someone as strong as Anakin cannot be left untrained, Obi-Wan—”
Obi-Wan interrupts his master—something he has not done in a long time and Qui-Gon’s surprise is evident on his face. “He won’t be left untrained. Someone will train him, but it does not have to be you.”
He draws a deep, shivering breath. Tears spring in the corners of his eyes.
“I won’t let you throw me aside on the guise of the listening to the Force. You ignored the Force when I begged you to take me as your Padawan, and you apologized for that. But now another boy comes along and suddenly you’re all ears?”
Qui-Gon has gone silent and pale, dark eyes wide as he stares at Obi-Wan.
“Master Windu offered me the chance to take my Trials and leave you to train Anakin, but I told him I wanted to stay with you. Please don’t make my words meaningless. Please don’t treat me like I’m no longer worth your time.”
Obi-Wan cannot stop the tears that escape and slip down his cheeks, but he does not bring attention to them.
Obi-Wan swallows and struggles to get the words out. “I worked hard to become your Padawan, and I worked hard so you would be proud of me. I couldn’t help but be hurt that Anakin comes along and you love him after ten minutes. I’ve always only wanted you to be proud of me, I want to be your legacy, but it’s discouraging when someone new comes along and immediately grabs your attention. I just wish you would be as loyal to me as I have been to you.”
He watches his master closely, waiting for him to speak.
“Obi-Wan—”
His voice cracks. Obi-Wan can see tears shining on the edge of his lashes.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
Obi-Wan sniffs hard, trying to keep tentative control over his emotions. “I wish that was enough, but I need more from you. I wish I could just say everything is fine now, but I’m not confident that things will change. I know that you couldn’t open up to me before, but I need you to open up to me now and promise me you will not turn around tomorrow and throw me away like I mean nothing.”
Obi-Wan has not seen his master cry since Tahl died, but it is just as painful now as it was then. He clenches his teeth, but the tears still come and he swipes his hand underneath his nose. Qui-Gon wipes his eyes and takes a shallow, shaking breath.
“I’ve hurt you so deeply, and there is nothing I can do to erase what I’ve done. I can only hope you can eventually come to trust me again.”
He is immeasurably glad Qui-Gon is not an affectionate man. Obi-Wan would not be able to handle the situation if he tried to touch him. Just a simple hand on his shoulder would break him into pieces.
Mace comes to Qui-Gon’s side, offering him a soft smile.
“This will be great for you and Obi-Wan. You can grow closer,” Mace says, and Qui-Gon nods.
i don’t know what we’re calling this but i know a lot of you are super upset with me but that’s okay because that means i’m doing my job
Part 1
Obi-Wan does not realize he is crying until he collapses in the Great Hall and finds himself gasping for breath and trembling violently. He pulls his knees up to his chest and covers his cheek with his hand, trying to calm down.
"Obi-Wan?"
He looks up to find himself staring into the warm brown eyes of his crèche master. The man who had cared for him since he was an infant. His soothing Force signature wraps around him and Obi-Wan struggles to remain silent. He quickly turns into a blubbering mess but Ali-Alann simply clucks over him. The tall man gathers Obi-Wan into his arms and picks him up like he weighs nothing.
Obi-Wan allows himself to be carried back to the crèche. He thinks miserably that he would much rather spend the rest of his life there than as a Padawan. He does not have to be a Knight to be a Jedi. There is nothing wrong with being a crèche master.
Ali-Alann sets him down gently on an empty bed and sits beside him. A hand touches his own where he is still clutching his cheek.
"Let me see."
Obi-Wan allows him to take his hand away but his sobs turn choked and hard. He nearly doubles over with the force of them. Ali-Alann holds him close and rubs his back lightly. Obi-Wan grabs desperately for something to hold, something to ground himself, and the crèche master’s tunics bear the brunt.
He eventually calms, but that is a subjective term. He gasps and hiccups on halfhearted sobs and tears continue to trickle down his cheeks.
Ali-Alann’s hands are careful when they touche his cheek. The pain flares brightly and Obi-Wan flinches.
"I apologize. Will you give me permission to clean the cut?"
Obi-Wan nods dazedly. When Ali-Alann moves away to a cupboard, his tears come anew. He cries into his hands like a child and feels shame curl sickeningly in his belly.
"I will have none of that in my crèche," Ali-Alann says softly, pushing Obi-Wan's hair back. "There is no shame in crying. And I will never allow someone to think that there is."
Obi-Wan realizes how badly he misses being taken care of. His crèche master gently cleans the cut on his cheek and then hands him a soft cloth to wipe his face with. He brings Obi-Wan a glass of cool water and makes him lie down on the bed. He might have used a Force suggestion to put him to sleep, but Obi-Wan couldn't be sure
When he wakes, he finds that nearly two hours have passed. Ali-Alann is there with a fresh glass of water and a warm hand cupped under Obi-Wan's chin.
"Who did this to you, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan knows his reaction is visible and palpable. He cannot hide it.
Ali-Alann tuts at him. "You have to tell me, little one. I will not let you leave until you tell me who hurt you."
His eyes fill with tears again and he squeezes them closed to avoid seeing the gentle face of the man who raised him.
"Obi."
It is said with quiet, concerned exasperation.
"You will not be in trouble. I am not going to rush off and reprimand someone. I just want to know who hurt you."
Obi-Wan's lips tremble even as he presses them together tightly. He sucks in a gasping breath and keeps his eyes closed.
"Master Jinn."
He hears the shocked breath Ali-Alann does not mean to take. He does not open his eyes. A minute passes before the crèche master speaks.
"We will handle this. We will handle this carefully and thoroughly. You are safe here with me and you are welcome to stay as long as you like. I don't have a clan right now so I can be with you as often as you want. But I will not force you to stay if you wish to leave."
Obi-Wan finally opens his eyes but casts them down. "I'd like to stay. I think."
“All right.” Ali-Alann smoothes Obi-Wan’s hair, rubbing the back of his neck lightly. "You are allowed to leave whenever you want. And only crèche masters or council members are able to open the door to come inside. You are completely safe; I promise."
He nods, but he still worries.
“If you’d like, you can help me sort through the clean laundry. Or you can stay here and rest,” the crèche master offers.
Obi-Wan looks up at him. “I’ll help you with the laundry.”
Ali-Alann smiles sadly at him, setting his hand on his knee.
“Let’s get started then.”
They fold and put away six massive laundry carts of youngling-sized tunics and leggings. Obi-Wan wishes he could live in the crèche again, alongside his crèche master and children who look up to him. All the kids his age have been chosen as Padawans or shipped off to the various corps so his peers would be younger than him. He would not care as long as he was happy.
Their task takes the rest of the day and Obi-Wan is shocked to feel his upper back muscles seized up and tight. He tries to roll his shoulders and loosen the muscles as he shuffles off to the bed Ali-Alann set him up to use. He is asleep before he hits the pillow.
He wakes momentarily when he feels gentle hands situating him under the blankets and smoothing his hair. Cool fingers brush over his cheek before they leave again. He drifts off knowing he is safe in the place he began his journey to become a Jedi.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I have a smaller chapter this week, but I wanted to concentrate on Qui-Gon and Obi-wan this week. They needed to have a talk. I appreciate everyone that’s left kudos, comments and reblogged, it helps to know that someone is enjoying the story.
Qui-gon gradually emerged from his meditation, feeling all the better for the moments of peace within the force. His focus had been on his friend and how to better help him find his own peace. While the force didn’t offer the answer on a silver platter it did guide him to look within himself for the healing needed. He slowly rose from his knees and stretched his body. He turned around, ready to find Ben so they could possibly talk about a few things, but he was instead met by the young hand-maiden from Naboo. “M’Lady, did you need something?”
“No, I’m sorry to disturb you, it’s just. You looked so peaceful; I’ve never seen such a thing.”
Qui-Gon grinned down at her, knowing that many people were curious when they saw the Jedi. “I was just meditating. Something anyone can do, really. You don’t have to be force sensitive to seek your center and calm your mind.”
Padme’s eyes narrowed and her face seemed to try to hide her sadness. “I am beginning to feel like calm is something I will never see again. The Queen is so troubled for her people’s lives, and now we might not even make it to Coruscant.”
“I know it is probably exceedingly hard for you to trust in people you barely know, but Master Dooku and Master Windu will get you to the Senate. We will help save your people.” He soothingly took her small hand in his and flashed her a smile that could make anyone feel better.
“I will hold you to that, Qui-Gon. Our people must be set free.” Her grin faded once again and she looked suddenly a lot younger as tears fell down her cheeks.
“It’s ok to let your emotions out; to keep them in will drive you mad.” He whispered as he pulled her closer to give her a comforting hug. His body was so much bigger than hers; she seemed to almost disappear into his embrace. “It will be ok, Padme. Just let it out.” As he rocked back and forth to console a very upset teenager, he felt a stab of jealousy through the force and looked up into the stormy-grey eyes of Obi-wan for a moment before the pale young man turned and stalked from the room. Unable to soothe both at the moment, he continued to send calm to the young lady in his arms until her sobs finally quieted down. She pushed gently away from the warmth of his arms and wiped at her cheeks, suddenly feeling very embarrassed for her lack of control. “It’s ok, Padme. You are still young, and you are human. You are allowed to have emotions and sometimes let them out. Will you be ok?”
She straightened her clothes and nodded her head slightly, still unsure of her voice at the moment. After a few moments of silence between the two she finally looked up into his eyes and gave him a weak smile. “Thank you, Qui-Gon. I am ashamed that I broke down, but I am grateful that you were there to help. I should see that the Queen is seen to, I shall see you later.”
Just as the young hand-maiden left the room, Qui-Gon stalked from the room, in search of Ben, knowing that they needed to have a serious talk, they had let this linger between them for long enough and things needed to be said. He had to only extend his senses somewhat to find the bright spot in the force that was one Obi-Wan Kenobi, a brilliant light that he wanted nothing more than to protect no matter what.
Space was not a pleasant place for Qui-Gon, he found it cold and unfeeling as he was so tightly bound in the living force, and he missed the feeling of life in the vastness of that blackness. As he reached out for Ben and followed his aura to a small storage compartment he didn’t feel so empty, he felt strangely filled with warmth. There was something between them and there had been since they had met nine years prior, something that had lay waiting for a time when they were ready to acknowledge such a thing. The force almost responded with a resounding sense of rightness in his thoughts.
He approached the door to the storage compartment and it slid open to reveal a kneeling padawan, his eyes red and his skin pale white. “Please go away, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to FEEL anymore. Please just, let me go…”
Qui-Gon quickly sunk to his knees just in front of his Ben, refusing to leave him in the dark once more. “I would do anything for you, Ben, but I won’t do that. You’ve been alone enough, inside your own thoughts for far too long.” He reached out and gently stroked his cheek, feeling the cool flesh beneath his finger sudden warm. “You know that I was only giving her comfort.”
“I’m not sure why I reacted that way; it just hurt so much to see.”
“She is far too young for me and even if she wasn’t she has one major flaw that I couldn’t get past.” The fingers that caressed Ben’s cheek slowly drifted down just a bit further to the full lips that he suddenly had an urge to taste. Ben trembled at the soft touch against his skin, “What flaw would that be?”
“She is not you.”
“Oh.” He let out a soft sigh as the fingers trailed gently down to his chin, bringing him just a bit closer to the warmth he craved. “I would do nothing to hurt you, Ben.” Just as the words escaped on whispered breath, Qui-Gon leaned over and gently pressed their lips together in a soft sweet first kiss. It was not filled with passion, or with intensity, but a promise of a future to come. The bond that had once lain dormant for years suddenly came to life between the two, each feeling the other that knelt before them. Ben had felt the concern, warmth and love that Qui-Gon had for him as if they were his own, just as Qui-Gon had felt the embarrassment of being jealous over young Padme, but the underlying love and longing from his Ben. Yes, that is what Obi-Wan was, his.
As they pulled apart from both the physical and mental touching, they took a deep breath and just took in the moment. “Are you ok, Ben? I feel like we’ve been building to this moment, but with everything that has happened in the last few weeks, I wish to not add to your pain.”
“Please tell me you meant it…” The pain in those words brought Qui-Gon forward once more, wrapping the smaller man in his embrace tightly. “Don’t you ever doubt that you mean everything to me. I was so scared when I thought I had lost you, when…I thought you had killed yourself.” The tears started to stream down his cheeks as he held tighter and tighter to him, only to push him away to grasp his arms and reveal the still bandage wrists. “I haven’t been that scared since I lost my mother and was left on my own. Why did you do it, Obi?” He gently took his left wrist and brought it up to his lips and pressed a chaste kiss upon the scar he knew to be underneath.
“I. It was nothing and everything. Since the day Master Dooku had taken me on as a Padawan I have felt un…unworthy. I was accepted as a favor to your master, I was just a burden to him.” Qui-Gon sat down on the cold floor and leaned against a nearby crate, his arms turning Ben and bringing him to rest against his broad chest, knowing it would be easier for him to talk without having to look in anyone’s eyes. “I worked so hard to make him proud, I even told him I didn’t need to return to the temple because he dreaded returning and preferred his outer rim missions. I’ve been alone for so long, Qui. I’m so tired. Tired of being alone, of trying to prove myself, of just living, why can’t I just rest?”
“I know at the time, you felt no other option, but it’s a very permanent solution and one that would leave this word weeping at the loss.”
“Now I just feel foolish. I couldn’t even do that right.”
“Obi, what truly happened to push you? I sense that there was a specific incident that brought this all to a head.”
“I was watching over you while Jard took Mace to clean up and eat. He looked as if he was the one that needed Bacta after watching over you for days. I stayed behind so I could let them know if anything changed; well that and I just needed to see that you were ok.”
“I’m sorry that I worried you.” Ben felt the arms tighten around his chest, pulling him closer to the solid body behind him. “Unless you purposely ended up in bacta, it wasn’t your fault. I had settled in to keep watch and Bruck came in.” Qui-Gon quickly tamped down his anger at the mention of Obi-Wan’s boyhood bully, knowing this was truly where the problem lay. “He taunted me of course, because well he wouldn’t be Bruck if he didn’t. Then he told me that my master never wanted me. He said that he stopped by Mace’s quarters to give us a council summons, but instead he overheard Master Dooku tell your master that he only took me as a padawan as a favor to Mace. He…He even showed me the scene, it was real.”
Qui-Gon could feel the trembling in the smaller body and knew the tears were falling. “I’m sure that isn’t true, Obi. Master Dooku loves you; you didn’t see him when he found you. I’ve never seen a man turn old before my eyes, but he looked as if he would follow you into the force had you died.”
Obi-Wan tensed at Qui-Gon’s words, not wanting to think of his master’s feelings at this moment. “I felt no deceit from Bruck, it was a true memory. Since then, I have had felt anger and sadness and…darkness. Qui, I’m scared it is too late for me. I felt the same darkness on Bandomeer and I’m scared it never left, it just waited for the right time to take me.”
“Do you trust me, Obi?”
“With my very soul.”
“We will fight this together, you are not alone.” Obi-wan took the words and held on to them, feeling suddenly lighter in spirit than he had felt in years. He felt like finally he had an ally to fight the darkness, something, no someone to fight for.
Foolish boy, he will betray you, he will tell your master that you are weak fool.
Just as the voice started to speak to him once again, he felt the force itself wrap around his body and push the thoughts away. “How long, Obi?”
“Wh-What?”
“How long have you heard that voice, how long has it been feeding you those dark thoughts?”
“Y-You heard them?”
“It was faint, but I was able to get the meaning behind them. You need to tell your master, something…”
“NO! I will be sent to the council, they will say I’ve turned, I will be expelled, Please Qui-Gon, please don’t tell them!” The man had turned in his arms and was practically clawing at his body in a sudden panic.
“BEN! It’s ok…I promise it will be ok.” Wrapping his arms around the panicked body he pulled him closer, hoping to keep him from re-injuring himself. “Please just calm down a bit for me, breath. That’s it, just breath. It’s just me and you.” The panic attack that had come up so quickly started to subside as Ben listened to the thrumming heartbeat of the man beneath him. “You need to speak to Master Dooku, but it need not be now. We have a mission to attend, but after that you need to heal this rift between you, it is the only way to heal, my Ben.” He stroked the soft hair, and felt the body in his arms suddenly relax and slip into an exhausted sleep.
Padawan, is everything ok? I didn’t mean to intrude but we both felt your agitation.
Yes, my master.I would hide little from you, so I ask that you respect that we will speak of this when Obi is ready?
You have our trust, my own. Know that when you need us we will be there and that we love you both as family.
Thank you, Master. Obi-wan fell asleep, I’m going to let him rest, and he needs it. How much longer before we reach Tatooine?
We have about five hours, I will call if we need you, rest in the force young one.
Settling his back against the crate once more he cradled Ben in his arms, placed a sweet kiss upon his head and closed his eyes to join him in sleep; soon enough duty would pull them from this moment.
There are two times during the year that the tension in the Force becomes a palpable thing. Qui-Gon is a good master. He can be flighty and difficult but he is intelligent and skilled. He is not particularly warm toward Obi-Wan but it is obvious he cares for him at least a bit. Obi-Wan knows that a master is not necessarily supposed to show affection but there are also no rules against it. Most masters foster close relationships with their Padawans and their apprenticeships are most successful for it. Obi-Wan knows Qui-Gon was like that once. But that was before he came along. Xanatos's name day and the day he betrayed the Order are the worst days of the year. Qui-Gon is sullen and snappish and usually ensures Obi-Wan has activities elsewhere during those days. That does not work out this time. Obi-Wan's plans with his friend fell through when they were called away with their master. He cannot decide whether asking before leaving their quarters would be worse than just leaving. His master is silent, sitting in his threadbare armchair and staring at nothing. Obi-Wan wants to shudder from how thick the tension feels in the room. Maybe a peace offering would help. Obi-Wan makes a careful venture into the kitchen. He pointedly does not look at his master but hopes his shoulders are not so tense as to give away his anxiety. He makes his master's favorite tea exactly how he likes it and carefully takes it out to him. Setting it on the low table, he doesn't get a smile but some of the uneasiness in the Force lessens. As he is pouring the tea, Obi-Wan accidentally spills some onto the tray, but he soaks it up quickly with the sleeve of his tunic. His master takes the tea without a word and Obi-Wan tries not to clench his fingers into a fist. "Master, I---" "Not now, Obi-Wan. Please." His master's voice is soft and sad so he does not push the issue. He stays silent while Qui-Gon finishes his tea. Obi-Wan takes the tray back to the kitchen and sets it on the counter. The corner of it catches the tin of tea and pushes it off the edge. The tin clatters to the floor and spills tea across the kitchen. Obi-Wan dives after it but the damage is done. He is sweeping the tea into a pile when his master appears in the doorway. When Obi-Wan looks at him, the words die on his lips. His heart kicks into beating double time. "Leave it." His master's voice is cold. Obi-Wan obeys immediately, but in his haste to stand his elbow catches the tray and upsets it. The whole thing slips to the floor and Obi-Wan thanks the Force the particular cup he chose is virtually indestructible. "Force, Obi-Wan! I ask you to do one thing! I ask for this one day and you can't even give me that." Obi-Wan's stomach sinks to his toes. "I'm sorry, master. I---" "I don't want to hear it! You are testing my patience today." He bows his head in apology. "It's like you're doing this on purpose. Since when did you crave so much attention?" "Master, I would never---!" Qui-Gon's hand wraps tightly around his arm, yanking him closer. Fear rockets coldly down Obi-Wan's spine. "Be quiet! I don't want your excuses. You know better than to act like this." Qui-Gon releases him roughly and pushes his toward the doorway. "Go to your room." Obi-Wan goes out into the living room, but lingers by the couch. He wants to apologize again, ensure Qui-Gon knows he did not do anything to upset him on purpose. "I told you to go to your room!" He winces but stands his ground. "Master, I wanted to---" "I don't care what you want, Obi-Wan! You've only made my day miserable and I'm not going to take anything more! Go to your room and stay there!" Obi-Wan wrings his hands. "Master, please, I'm sor---" The next thing Obi-Wan knows he is on the floor, his cheek stinging and hot. Qui-Gon is standing over him and the Force churns with anger. "Get out of my quarters." He has never seen such anger in a person before. It takes his breath away. "NOW!" Obi-Wan scrambles to his feet and trips as he runs to the door. His hand shakes as he slams the button to open it and he falls out into the hallway. He is running before he has time to think too hard about it.
