I hardly know the words to start this, but as always, I’m sure I will find them. My only fear is that I will drive you away further than I already have. If I am to ever have the courage to give you this, please listen to me, if only this once.
I am torn, brother, and not in the way I assume that may sound. There is a part of me that refuses to forgive you, even if it was my mind that was the downfall. I know that, like me, you could not help who you were at the time. In a way, how could I not expect you to react brashly after so long? You were always so determined, much fiercer than I. Perhaps you should have had the Cloth first. I was neglectful. I did not show my love enough. Arguably, I was married to my duty, to my Goddess. I had responsibilities beyond you, but even then, it’s just an excuse. I know had I been more adamant, you would not have been so alone. And for that, I cannot express how guilty I am. I should have been there, Kanon.
Despite the reasoning above, beyond logic and forgiveness, I cannot fully do so when part of me begs to hate you. Hate you for taking advantage of my unstable state, hate you for having the audacity to suggest the conquer of Sanctuary all together. The most illogical hates you for being so headstrong and rebellious, even if that is a quality I admire as well. It doesn’t make sense in the least bit, the bitterness I feel towards you. Yet I feel it most vehemently. It makes me despise the sight of you, to the point where I don’t want anything to do with you.
But stronger than my rage is how much I care about you. It sounds hypocritical, doesn’t it? I dislike not being able to have one solid opinion, but then…isn’t that what makes us one in the same?
When I rested my eyes on you in the unfortunate event of the most recent Holy War, in the Temple we knew so well as children, I can’t express how proud of you I was, and still am. Not because you chose ‘good’ over ‘evil’, or anything of the sort. I was proud of you because you were growing, being acknowledged as your own person as you have always deserved. I was so happy to see you donning the Gemini Cloth, a true Saint. But Kanon, you must understand, that I would have been proud had you chose not to. The weight on a Saint’s shoulders is no easy burden, and thus I respect you more for taking the opportunity as I know circumstances were working against you.
It is because of this admiration and love I have for you that I want something. some kind of relationship. Being apart from you wounds me. Part of me is missing when I am not with you. Yes, we destroy together, we destroy each other, but maybe we destroy so that we can build something new. You’re right, I know, we can never have the bond we shared before, if only pieces of it. But I can’t accept that we have nothing at all. I need you. I love you so much, and being forced away from you while we have opportunities…I can’t bear it. Please, understand my hope, my reasoning. Don’t leave me like this when I know if we tried, we could have a relationship.
I have so much hope, but you hate me so much. I worry that I reach out in vain. That I’m only going to force myself further into hatred and sadness. I want this more than my fear.
Because I will always love you, Kanon. Even if you ruined me, I would still love you.
If I manage to send this, please consider me. This, I promise, will be the last time I burden you with these thoughts. I cannot be whole without the other half of me.
