You see, when you have OCD. You think unpleasant thoughts, constantly. This is different from the occasional pondering of whether you won't break your leg falling down the stairs. When you have OCD. You obsesses about the smallest things. Physiologically speaking, your brain literally pumps chemicals to the rest of the body. Chemicals that signal the feeling of immediate and imminent danger. Ever had that moment when something almost hit you, by a near miss, that absolute feeling of fear? Remember what you felt, that split second? Imagine if you had to carry that for years. That's how OCD feels.You obsess about the past, the future, the present. You obsess about potential scenarios and keep repeating them over and over again. Your brain is stuck in this gear of repetition. Then come the compulsions. In an attempt to deal with this, you adopt strange behaviours. Anything from washing your hands continuously, to repeating the same phrases over and over again.
Here are some of the things I do:
Repeating the same phrase over and over again.
Drawing invisible things, repetitively, until it felt "perfect" or "just right". (You can see how evaluating the shape of something invincible, can be pretty difficult.)
Watching the same film, for weeks sometimes months. I would simply put one film on repeat, for days, weeks, eventually months. The same goes for youtube videos. I will wait until the video finishes, and repeat it again, and again, and again.
Some of my obsessions, relate to things like failure, embarrassment, and future uncertainty.
You see, I failed my year last year, because of OCD. And even now, until this day, my OCD tells me, I can't touch or look at any of the workbooks I used that year, because my brain is literally going to give me that same feeling I had, when I found out I failed my class. Well then, why won't you throw it all out? is what you're thinking. And you would be right. But because I have OCD, I also do not throw away books/papers for any reason, what.so.ever. Because I am constantly afraid of losing something important.
Writing this is making me realize how unstable I am as a person.
Today, I will ponder on what I am going to have to do, to deal with this. And come up with a plan for how to accomplish this.
