@ya-ya-yaku / @occipi / @cifer-sweeper , sid/pidge
back when I first met you, it was amazing. you made me rly happy, and i trusted you quickly, like I have w literally Anyone who has given me attention and a slight sign of "I can probably trust them." so i confided to you my problems. and I kept doing so. kept venting to you abt my shit. i don't remember much anymore of what you told me or what i did much, my memory is still fuckin shit. its now 2017 and this year is nearly over, 2015 was rly almost 3 years ago, got dam. anyways, what I do remember is you said I was too negative to you, and that I need to stop if i was to remain friends w you, and confide/vent to someone else. i agreed but continued to do that anyways. i lied abt getting better. i lied to lots of ppl abt getting better. i remember you tried leaving me several times. i remember "testing you." i remember calling you my fp. a term that isn't even an official bpd term, just st someone made up some years ago and we all went w it and used it. since seeing that post somewhere on tumblr some time ago, i stopped liking/using the term. it's been a fuckin journey man. I've been thru so much shit. idk what you went thru after you left for good but I hope you got better. years later? im able to say this cuz....? I went thru a lot of worse shit that what you did kinda just... faded away? but here's the thing. i lied abt having abandonment problems. i didn't get super attached to ppl until around the time you came into my life. i didnt feel the intense pain, fear, anxiety, and panic from others leaving/threatening to leave me. around the time you came into my life, was the time i started getting invested into the mental illness community on tumblr. that which is now so severely toxic. i learned from posts on there. i adopted those habits. i believed in false professionals, i said shit cuz... i was 16 when I learned abt bpd, said, i probably have this, going on to 17 and i took a quiz, self diagnosed myself, and finally 18, where i started following bpd blogs, and picking up bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms and just. unhealthy behaviors in all. bpd ppl had abandonment issues ? I guess I do too! even tho ive never severely been hurt by someone leaving me. until you. I'm not sure what triggered tjat, rly. the way you left me? or did i rly adopt those symptoms of bpd? or a combination of both? I know i was isolated a lot as a kid and mid teen, and when friends were over, i never wanted them to leave cuz I had so much fun w them, and i never wanted to leave their house either. so i always felt sad when they left. but they didn't actually leave me for good. the way you left me, yeah it was rly terrible and i wouldn't do that to anyone. just cutting them out w no explanation? I mean, id probably just say "fuck you bye" or some shit gbdnksjeh idk, im jk. i rly always wondered if you had explained things the first time (im speaking in terms of my first time i thot you left me , meaning back in oct , not the actual first time) you left me, if i wouldve actually gained abandonment issues. there was so much god fuck you tumblr. everything was fucking fluently written and i had all my thoughts out kms. anyfucking ways!!! basically, i was a sexual creep to you w the horse story is what I eventually got too i don't even fucking rememver what else i typed i h8 tumblr so much suck a fuckin dick. and I'm sorry. i don't want you back in my life. i just want you to know im sorry for what i put you thru. never let anyone do that to you agaun. and I'm sorry for the damage i probably gave you. god fuck tumblr. I'm never trusting it again. succ ass. what the fuck. take this half ass fucking ending, im so fucking pissed off. what the hell. ggggggdhhdhdhdhdhdgdh. I'm sorry sid.
well tumblr is a fuck whole and i didnt save everything after I typed it all so have this fucking bullshit instead maybe ill c9me vack one day and fix it fuck you tumblr
(spoiler alert, I'll never remember it as good as it was the first time so just take this bullshit fucking apology cuz tumblr can choke)