#ochie rambles

[kayatoastandteho]

i was proposed to on friday evening, at about 8pm. i genuinely have no sense of time as to when all of this happened but i want to remember every single bit of it. i have no photos, there’s no ring (but there is a necklace) and there was nobody else there to see it or hear it, but in that moment and the hours following it, i could not stop grinning, could not process the fact that i had just gotten the proposal i never knew i wanted from the dummy i’m in love with. it happened so fast, kind of unexpectedly, and just a flurry of words said and giggles and kisses and hugs and saying yes a thousand times over. 

he had plans, he’d asked my sister for her opinion on jewellery (we already have rings picked out for our formal engagement ceremony but they’re with his parents), he’d thought up a speech and everything. in a way it feels right that it ended up being different because you’re always reminding me that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s perfectly okay. 

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - i never knew i could love someone this much, or be loved by someone this much. i’d go on any adventure with you. 

[kayatoastandteho]

but i need to remind myself that; 1. there is nothing wrong with being interested in things 2. there is nothing wrong in having multiple commitments 3. there is nothing wrong in not feeling the stress you're apparently supposed to feel because you're having a good time in all your classes 4. there is nothing wrong in having bought yourself that nude lipstick 5. there is nothing wrong in spending two dollars more on meals and snacking less (or not at all) 6. there is nothing wrong is deciding you need a day's break in the middle of everything to meet up with friends 7. there is nothing wrong in making new decisions you wouldn't have made in the past 8. there is nothing wrong with wanting to try new things even though you may not be great at it 9. there is nothing wrong with spending your time alone 10. there is nothing wrong with being happy. // 20-9-2011

[kayatoastandteho]

am i okay? i don’t know if i’m okay. these past couple of weeks have been kind of intense. i’ve been feeling exhausted all the time. i’ve been noticeably mellower at work, mostly because i’m apparently talking to my work bffs less and playing less foosball, and been out for a couple of days. i’ve been preoccupied with other things on my mind, and i’ve felt distracted and exhausted at work. i don’t know if this is how i’m supposed to feel. i’ve been knocking out earlier every night and my mom’s catching on and she doesn’t think anything of it yet because she’s got her own stuff to deal with, but i don’t know if i should be looking into this. i’ve been trying to talk to people, see if all i need is a distraction, or some me-time, but nothing’s really working and i don’t know what to do about it. i hardly feel like eating (but i am eating, that’s not an issue, i don’t think it’ll be and i hope it won’t get to that point) but having no appetite is never a good thing. i drink coffee and then wonder if the coffee’s making me feel worse or better. i try to make plans with friends and do things out of my routine but i feel ridiculously exhausted by it. i just want to get home and sleep. i don’t want to say my exercise routine has suffered, because i’m still going to the gym or exercising thrice a week, but i’m a bit scared to push myself as i usually do. i feel like i shouldn’t push myself if i don’t feel like my 100% normal self. it’s something nagging me at the back of my head but if someone looked at me, i look fine - i’m functioning at work and getting things done and eating and maybe the only thing is i seem tired. i sometimes think i need a good cry but there are no tears. i think i’m bottling things in because i don’t know what else to do, but i gotta do something. i don’t know how much longer i can keep this up for, especially knowing what a weird week i’m going to be having next week, knowing that it’s the end of my time with essence as an intern, and maybe for a longer while at essence apac because there’s a small small chance i find something overseas. i know what i’m dealing with is not stuff that i like or enjoy or want to deal with, but it’s my reality and isn’t changing for a while and i don’t know if i’m okay. 

[kayatoastandteho]

sometimes i spend a couple of hours looking at real estate sites and rental listings in places i want to live in just to see what it could be like to live there. would i be able to afford rent? what would be the kind of things around me? what kind of neighbourhoods do i have to choose from? what does it look like on google maps with street view on? it’s so easy to get lost for a couple of hours and then realised that unless i’m spending this time to work towards getting there, it’s not going to happen

[kayatoastandteho]

rattled

the last week hasn't been good. if i'm looking for reasons to understand why i just constantly felt defeated this last week, i think i'd never get anything else done. first you think, oh it's just one of those days when you can't find the pants you want (but that seems funny later in the day because you know you have too many fucking pairs of pants all either black or dark blue of course you can't find what you want at 7am with the lights off in your room so that your sis can still sleep), you end up thinking 'oh maybe nice iced coffee from starbucks will put you in a nicer mood' and then the barista ignores your order and goes ahead making drinks for people who came after you, so you snap at them going "seriously man?" wondering why your simple easy peasy drink like iced brewed coffee (which is literally coffee from the dispenser with ice thrown in) is taking so damn long and the barista gets kind of pissed at you but you know you're in the right here so you don't apologise. you get to class, your classmates turn to you to be like the beacon of sunshine and entertainment (which somehow you apparently are without trying to because of all the random stories you have, and your penchant for always reliably having a stapler on you) when all you want to do is shut up because you know you'll snap at them without meaning to and they've done nothing wrong at all. you admit that much, and they get it, but it still leaves a bad taste (which is what the coffee is for). class is dumb and you don't speak up as much, which is fine because you're aceing class participation for this class anyway, but when it's your turn to present you find yourself gritting your teeth trying not to snap and wondering why you're in such a mess today. end of the class, professor casually mentions how she's changing our individual report from a piece about our group projects to something completely new, to which my only response was 'are you fucking kidding me' (a message delivered via facebook chat to a classmate, with an added 'jesus fucking christ')  it's been days like this, over and over. and i don't think that's something i can necessarily blame on others, so if it's on me i need to figure this stuff out. i know with almost certainty that my problem isn't so much with me but the environment i'm in (i.e. this toxic college environment) but i can't do anything to get around that.  i hit that point where i actually do not want to be around any other humans somewhere on wednesday, which was not a great time because it's my longest day, followed by work and then a bit of work and college. it means i need to be around a lot of people. being quiet at work means having people ask me what's up (what usually happens is they ask me, and somehow don't let me answer, and are busy so they go off real quick). with all this just building and building i decided i'm going to give up social media for a while and focus on myself for a little bit.

i've deleted all the shortcuts to social media apps on my phone. i'm not going to even look at twitter till i get past this. i decided all active social media is out of bounds but passive ones should be alright. tumblr's the most passive - i only entertain myself on it so that's fine. facebook's unavoidable because of one of my projects, but other than that, nope. facebook messenger is something a lot of people use to ping me so that can stay. whatsapp groups have been muted and i'm only really responding to things that are urgent and important. instagram's a little hit and miss. for now i'm staying off it though all the animal accounts with the sweet animals are kind of a mood boost, so staying passive on that for a while. 

with all this freed up time, i'm catching up on my reading - my fortune magazine and digital subscriptions and actual fiction. things i haven't enjoyed as much in the last couple of weeks. it's not the easiest thing to not resort to twitter for news, or to ping someone something funny (the funniest thing recently was me realising that one of the webpages on the internal servers of my college routes to a page called 'isis.smu.edu.sg' and that, combined with the fact that our extreme sports group calls themselves xtremists, is kind of funny to me) but it's only been two days and i feel a little better. granted, it's been two days of not really having to deal with humans other than my family, but that, combined with getting a decent workout in as well, and staying off active social media has put me in a better mood for the week ahead.

i'm pretty sure it's all going to go to hell tomorrow anyway, but i'm going to try. it's the best i can do at this point. this has been really long and i don't know if it's worth documenting, but i'm mainly doing this to remind myself of what i did, if i ever need to jog my memory.