Jul 13
hm, i should be asleep. alas.
seen from Singapore
seen from France
seen from China
seen from Italy
seen from Malaysia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Sweden
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Sweden
seen from Serbia
seen from Sweden
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Switzerland
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
hm, i should be asleep. alas.
....I guess a lot of my confusion about my own identity stems from the fact that I don't connect to the "classic" trans origin stories that are like, "I've known since I was 4" or "I've always hated being x" or "Puberty fucked me up bc it wasn't what I expected". And rationally I know there's so many other people whom it dawned on later in life, like me. But somehow that whole thing's making it harder for me to believe and to settle on something tangible, to put a name to the chaos.
Looking back at my life so far, all I know is that I've never felt particularly strongly about my body. Sure, there's been some discomfort, but that's neither here nor there, and most of it has been just. Indifference. I've been given x parts and society thus expects y from me, so that's the role we're going to play. A good portion of it did feel performative, I think.
But it just didn't occur to me until a good ways into my 20s that opting out was even a possibility. That shaping myself into a person I'd actually want to be instead of just tolerated was an option. And convincing myself, mustering the courage to step out of the box I've always known... that's the tough bit. And kinda the thing I'm stuck on these days. But I'm resolved to be patient with myself.
We'll get there, eventually. Wherever the fuck that may be.
Had a conversation about gender stuff w my younger brother today... opened his eyes a lil in some ways n I'm honestly fuckin proud of him for just. Listening n learning. Changing his perspective. Asking about stuff in the first place. I know he was pretty close to falling down a pretty shitty rabbit hole a couple years ago so... I'm glad to be able to have a heart to heart w him about that stuff at all. He's come such a long fucking way I'm a lil emo about it ngl orz
Ngl this year simultaneously feels like it's flying by and like it's taking forever and idk which is worse
God fucking damn Powerwolf fucking sLAP live
Somebody could've told me before getting to the 90% mark of figuring this out that coming to terms w the fact that you're probably trans and the fucking fear and isolation that brings with it bc you have no way of knowing if you're better off deceiving yourself or potentially tearing your social circle and relationship to shreds is a fucking tough one. Get me off this fucking ride man.
don't we all love stewing in dysphoria and existential dread and feeling like you'll never get the opportunity to be someone you'll actually like living as, isn't that just a fantastic way to spend your weekend
Presently in the same building as Adam Gontier and entirely normal about it