Long time no post...
I've been having another tumultuous semester in some ways and it's been hard to be of the mindset to make posts. But I HAVE been taking lessons and HAVE been making some progress so I'll try to highlight some of those things briefly.
I think S and I are making some breakthroughs in reaching a good, full sound, especially in last week's lesson. First off, after five years of having a very straight posture with a definite S-curve in my lower back S is making me change the way I stand. It's tricky to get at first but I'm getting the hang of it even if it feels as though I'm leaning forward. The idea is to have more support in my lower back instead of exaggerated "support" just below my ribcage. I've never felt that kind of consistent back support before so this is all new to me but I'm eager to feel it.
I'm also starting to understand how not to clamp down my tone so much. That sounds very vague, I know, but I truly don't know how to describe it. I try to "focus" my tone somewhere in the front of my face but I'm actually dampening it in my effort to control it...but I'm making progress. Especially in the last lesson. I felt things I never felt before but have heard described to me. Now I just have to harness it and make it consistent.
This all comes in the wake of a few emotional lessons. Several times have I cried or fought back tears and S knows it. She's talked me through my issues a little...how it's so frustrating to feel as though there are some things in my voice that are not changing and that I'm continuing to hit a wall. But we remain vigilant. I'm not giving up and neither is she in consideration of all the progress I have made. She insists that my voice is going to develop a bit later than others' and whether or not she's just saying that to placate me I'm trying to not over-analyze.
One of the things I'm doing for my own happiness is seriously assess the repertoire I pick. I'm not a fan of typecasting myself so narrowly and neither is S; we're both of the spirit that it's good to play around with things for fun. But as good as that is, some things just don't fit my voice well as much as I'd love for them to, and given my self-critical personality it's hard to handle my inability to do those pieces justice unsurprising as it should be. This became particularly obvious when, during a moment of severe frustration on my part, S asked me to sing her something that I have a difficult time feeling good about and I chose "Dis-moi que je suis belle." It's an aria I adore and a composer I adore and as I sang it she didn't shut me down but she did say, "Well, this isn't really your voice type anyway."
And that's when it clicked. Yeah, it'd be nice to do these gorgeous, sumptuous pieces but it shouldn't come as a shock if they don't bring me satisfaction it they just don't fit me. Granted, the pieces that ARE for my voice type are constant works in progress since they're often quite technical and require technique development, but at least they feel good and give me hope. So I'm going to shed all the pieces in my rep that represent trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
So what am I singing these days? We've started Bachelet's "Chere nuit" which feels lovely and will teach me a lot, Mozart's "S'altro che lagrime" which is short and sweet and also offers much learning, the first and second movements of "Exsultate, jubilate," and a few others that I can't list off the top of my head as well as several of the old goodies that require constant work. I've also got my eye on Chausson's "Chanson perpetuelle" but sometimes it's hard to learn intense pieces without knowing if and when I'll get an opportunity to perform them.
Oh, some personal life things...i.e. the things that have been contributing to my stress. Finances are becoming more and more precarious and the question of whether or not I should continue school for know has been risen. I will be taking a semester off in the spring the go to Montana and make money, and if all goes according to plan I will transfer in the fall but the financial burden upon me considering my unstable situation is not to be taken casually. My mother and stepdad think I should definitely try to finish my degree as, and I agree vehemently, aborting my studies with the idea that I'll resume them "later" often ends in just never resuming. We just need to make a viable plan.
My father and I are nearly estranged at this point. It's too "needlessly" dramatic and long a predicament to describe here, but I've been pondering a lot how I wish things weren't this way....and yet, they must be. My dad is who he is, which is an extremely difficult person, and it's draining to deal with him on a regular basis when he contributes doubt, shame, and negativity to my life. The further I get into freedom and adulthood the crazier I feel. If I could afford a psychologist I would indulge, but I can't so I'm exploring self-help options. I'm tired of feeling the way I do all the time: stressed, worried, and like a failure. I'm aiming to move past that and take control of my emotions and my life.
In happier news, I've adopted a new cat. It's so nice having two felines around. My boyfriend and I continue talks of moving in with each other in the future, which would be lovely. He's one of the few people who I feel content around. I grow more and more fond of him each day.
I will try to update shortly but sweetly as things progress. Hope the world is treating you well, dear followers!
