i dont think people understand, when they say “look on the bright side!”, “just be more positive!”, “have hope!”, “be kind! have faith!”
…
do you understand, that i cannot PHYSICALLY feel genuine joy. do you understand that no matter how hard i believe, i cannot feel happy. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, that it makes me SICK to be kind.
maybe this says something about me, but being happy or feeling joy, makes me sick. im so used to being in a state of panic, that im comfortable in it, and it pains me to feel anything but.
yes, i laugh, and yes i smile, and yes things make me happy. but its not true happiness.
of course, i love people, and they make me feel emotions. but even then, it never stays. im a horrible fucking person and im sick of saying im not.
my teacher is always like, “be grateful! believe in yourself!” i CANT. i physically cannot do anything positive to my mental health. seeing people be kind genuinely makes me want to throw up. and yes, this might seem corny, i dont care. its how i genuinely feel.
