(Part 1/12) Dogma, whispering: Last week, I gave a fire safety talk. [Silently and stealthily locks a door, and runs a blowtorch over the handle (?)] And nobody paid any attention. [Silently and stealthily locks multiple other doors, and runs blowtorches over the handles (?)] It’s my own fault for using powerpoint. Powerpoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [Silently and stealthily locks the final door, and runs a blowtorch over the handle]
(Part 2/12) Dogma, filling a wastepaper basket full of lighter fluid and then lighting a cigarette: Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [Throws the cigarette in the wastepaper basket, which catches on fire, closes the door, and goes to his post]. Dogma, five minutes later, when he notices smoke coming through the door: Does anyone smell anything smoky? Boil, not even paying attention: Did you bring your jerky in again? Dogma: [Clears throat obnoxiously]
(Part 3/12) Echo: [Notices smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, oh, my God! Waxer: Woah! Appo: FIRE! Dogma: Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people? Echo: The holoprojectors are dead. And, I-I can’t send a distress signal! Dogma: Oh, how did that happen? Hardcase: It’s out in the hall! Dogma: No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Rex: OH MY GOD! Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm. Dogma: What’s the procedure, everyone? Whats the procedure?
(Part 4/12) Rex: STAY FUCKING CALM! Dogma: Wait, wait, wait! Rex: EVERYBODY, NOW FUCKING CALM DOWN! Dogma: No! No, Captain, no! Touch the handle! If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway! Rex: [Touches handle] What does warm mean? Echo: Oh, my gosh. Try the other door! Dogma: Not a viable option. Fives: What about that door over there? Dogma: What next!? Rex: Don’t run! Fives: Try the other door. Dogma: Oh, here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle?
(Part 5/12) Tup: I-It’s warm. Fives: Okay, go to the back door. Dogma: Well, uh, another option. [Indistinct panicked chattering as they all try to push past Dogma] Dogma: Back to our options, jeez! Okay, settle down, everyone. No bunching. Cody: Oh, I forgot something. Appo: LEAVE IT, COMMANDER! Rex: Get out of the way. Go, go, go! Dogma: Things can be replaced, Commander. People- Lives- However, can- [Rushes to keep up with the panicking group]
(Part 6/12) [Nervous groaning and chattering] Jesse, grabbing a handle: Ah, my hand! That’s hot! Kix, grabbing another handle: Aah, this one’s hot too! Rex: Okay, we’re trapped, everyone for himself! Dogma, calm: Okay. Hardcase: Let’s go! Tup: Dammit, get out of my way! Rex: Go, get out of my way! [Panicked, indistinct chattering] Dogma, still calm: Calm, please. Hardcase: Get out of the way! Dogma: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Hardcase: MOVE IT! [Panicked screaming]
(Part 7/12) Dogma, over all the panic and distressed chattering, and the increasing amount of smoke: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go, folks? Wha- Use a what to cover the mouth? A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Boil: [Breaks open the ceiling and climbs in] Dogma: Let’s remember those procedures. Hardcase: [Pushed past Dogma] Dogma: Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points.
(Part 8/12) Waxer: Boil. Boil! Boil: Stay alive, I’m getting help! Waxer: Pull me up! Boil: You’re too heavy! Waxer: No, I’m not! Boil: [Leaves] Dogma: How about the Generals? Has anybody tried to call General Skywalker or General Kenobi? Anyone? Your generals? [More indistinct screaming and chattering] Rex: [Aggressively tries to call Skywalker, with no response] Echo: What do we do? Fives: [Coughing] Dogma: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making!
(Part 9/12) Fives: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [Sobbing and coughing] Dogma: [Lights a firecracker and throws it on the floor] Appo: [Covers his ears] Jesse: WHAT IS THAT!? WHAT IS THAT!? Hardcase: THE FIRE’S SHOOTING AT US! Kix: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS GOING ON!? Dogma: [Sounds an alarm] Cody: Yes! Yes, a ba- Fives: A battering ram! Battering ram! Boil: [The lower half of his body falls through the ceiling, swings his legs] [Shouting and screaming]
(Part 10/12) Cody: Go, go, go, go, go! [Screaming as parts of the ship are being thrown at the doors] Rex, finally getting through to Anakin Skywalker: HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US! [Shouting and coughing] Appo, trying to loosen his chest plate and grabbing onto his chest: I THINK I’M ABOUT TO DIE! Dogma, getting up on a chair: [Blows an airhorn] Attention! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness! There was no fire, it was only a simulation.
(Part 11/12) Fives: WHAT!? Dogma: Fire, not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Coughing] Boil: [Falls through the floor and lands on his feet] Dogma: So, what have we learned? Appo: [Collapses] Dogma: Oh, come on! It’s not real, Appo! Don’t have a heart attack! Rex: Oh, my God. No, no, no! You will not die! Appo! Appo, you will not die! Appo. Appo! I’m gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. Kix: No! Don’t give him mouth-to-mouth for this!
(Part 12/12) Rex: Open your mouth. [Puts a wallet in Appo’s mouth] Kix: No, Rex! Cody: Rex, Rex. Kix: [Starts trying to pull Rex off Appo] Rex: Come on. Don’t swallow it! Tup: Rex, stop! Cody: [Starts also trying to pull Rex off Appo] Rex: I’m fine! Fives and Dogma: [Help pull Rex back] Rex: Leave me a- I’m saving him!
that was an adventure, let me tell you
also, I feel like you have enough material to start your own Office meets TCW blog, and I mean that seriously, go follow your dreams nonnie
