idk what neurodivergent young adult needs to hear this but you are NOT supposed to give 100% at your job. I've gotten more promotions and raises since I started giving 40-60%, which my evil CEO uncle informed me is what bosses actually expect when they say 110%. My mental health has improved tremendously. I've spent 2 out of 5 workdays secretly writing my novel for the last 2 years and I've never been more respected and appreciated. Also--when you see glaring wasteful errors in the company's operating systems, say absolutely nothing! Embrace inefficiency. It is your friend in this capitalist hellscape.
Clark: Can you please just hold still? Do you want to bleed all over the restroom?
Bruce: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?
Clark: Trust me, I’ve seen Alfred bandage you enough times to know how to do it with my eyes closed. Seriously Bruce, I can’t believe you! Were you really going to silently sit through the meeting while you’re bleeding out from your ripped stitches?
Bruce: Ugh, spare me the lecture and just help me. We need to get back to the meeting soon. I don’t need to give your boss any more reason to give me dirty looks across the room.
Clark: That’s just Perry’s default expression.
The door to the restroom opens and someone steps in. Bruce immediately yanks Clark in close to block his injuries from view. Clark slams his hands on either side of him with a grunt, careful not to crush him.
Jimmy: Clark? [stares at the half-dressed Bruce underneath him] Mr Wayne??
Clark: J-Jimmy!
Bruce: [angrily whispering to Clark] You forgot to lock the door didn’t you? Get rid of him. Now.
Clark: Jimmy, this is not what it looks like! Me and Mr Wayne uhh… We’re just uhh…
Bruce: [Moans when Clark accidentally brushes against his wound]
Jimmy: Umm…
Clark: [whispering] Sorry!
Bruce: Hi Jimmy~ Care to join the fun?
Jimmy: N-No! Sorry to interrupt you guys! I-I mean, I don’t think I need to use the restroom after all. See you around, bye! [flees the restroom]
✦ ──── PAPER PLANES
dwight schrute x f!reader
masterlist — taglist
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wc. 809
premise.
You just started working at Dunder Mifflin Scranton and your oh so bright future career to the sales team of the paper company begins! Much to the suspicion of Dwight….
warnings.
none
MINORS DNI!!
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part 1 – approved list or watch list
You are a new employee at Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Hired by Michael Scott as a new addition to the sales team, though… “hired” was a generous way to describe what you had experienced that day.
An interview with a man you were sure was on some sort of drugs, a handshake that lasted too long, and a laminated motivational quote he insisted you keep.
A quote by a man with, surprisingly, the exact same name as your interviewer, but it dawned on you pretty quickly that it was just… his quote.
It had only been a few weeks since you were let go from a rival paper company. You wouldn’t call it ‘ideal timing’, but you also wouldn’t call it ‘nothing’.
Now finally… it was your first day.
🎥 (...)
The conference room smelled faintly like stale coffee and long lost hopes and dreams.
A great thing to smell basically first thing in the morning of your new life.
Michael stood at the front, hands clasped together.
“Alright everyone,” he said brightly. “Big day. Huge day. Possibly one of the biggest days in the history of days. Today we are welcoming a new member of our family!”
You sat near the end of the conference room, already feeling the eyes on you. A young man and Pam, who you had chatted to earlier by the reception, gave you a polite smile.
Another man in an offputting mustard yellow shirt, however, was not subtle.
He was staring at you like you had been personally delivered to Scranton via a suspicious government program.
Michael continued, “Corporate has informed me that our female representation in sales was… lacking.”
There was a pause from everyone.
A bigger man next to you muttered, “We have female salespeople?”
A woman, older than you, with cute round glasses, glanced oveer at him with raised eyebrows.
Michael pressed on. “So, in the spirit of equality, diversity, and… uh– paper!... we have hired you.”
He gestured dramatically at you.
“And also because corporate said we had to,” he added quickly, like it was a footnote he almost forgot.
You offered a small smile to everyone around you, “Hi.”
This was starting off great.. now you also were only hired because you were a woman.
Michael clapped. “She’s a team player already!”
The mustard yellow shirt man raised his hand immediately.
Michael pointed at him, “Yes, Dwight?”
“Is she certified in paper sales combat strategy?” Dwight asked seriously.
You blinked, “I’m sorry… what?”
Dwight leaned forward. “Because if not, she will be at a tactical disadvantage during quarterly negotiations.”
The man next to Pam coughed into his fist, clearly trying not to laugh.
Michael nodded solemnly, “ Mhm… mhm… excellent question. We will circle back to that.”
You had a feeling no one would circle back to that.
Michael continued, “Anyway! She comes to us from a rival company–”
“Former rival,” you corrected automatically.
Michael pointed at you with great enthusiasm “Former rival! Love that energy!”
From the corner of your eye you caught, or well… saw, Dwight just outright staring at you, eyes narrowed.
🎥 (...)
The camera cut to you sitting in the interview room.
“I didn’t exactly choose to leave my last job,” you said carefully. “Let’s just say… restructuring happened.”
You paused for a moment, “And by restructuring, I mean I was let go.”
“But honestly? This place seems… less stressful.” you tried to say with a soft smile.
🎥 (...)
Dwight sat perfectly upright, starring at the camera with unsettling intensity.
“She is a plant,” he said immediately.
“Corporate has done this before. They introduce attractive, seemingly harmless individuals into the environment to destabilize internal productivity, and then… bam! They switch out who doesn’t pass their test…”
He leaned slightly closer.
“I will be observing her.”
🎥 (...)
Your desk had been assigned opposite of Dwight and next to Jim, which already felt like a social experiment you didn’t want to take part of.
Jim leaned over almost immediately as you finally settled into your spot, “For the record, he thinks everyone is a spy at first.” he whispered.
You glanced toward Dwight, who was currently measuring your desk distance with what appeared to be a ruler he brought from home.
“That’s… reassuring,” you whispered back.
Jim smiled, “Give it a week. You’ll either be on his ‘approved list’ or his ‘watch list.’”
“What’s the difference?”
Jim looked at Dwight.
Then back at you.
“Honestly? Not much.”
Dwight suddenly looked up again.
Directly at you.
Like he could sense the conversation had involved him.
You held his gaze for a second longer than necessary.
He did not look away first.
🎥 (...)
“She is adapting quickly,” Dwight said, pushing the blinds of the interview room open with two fingers as he stared out at you
“That is either a sign of intelligence…or espionage training.”
─── ꒰ 🗄️ ꒱ ───
a/n: hey guys here is the fic absolutely nobody asked for! can you tell I like weird men...
