I feel like my brain is just literally dissolving day by day. Every time I wake up my entire body just feels stiff and heavy no matter how well I slept. My head always feels hollow. My thinking is so fogged over constantly and it makes it so hard to stay focused on the simplest thing or talk to people and comprehend the conversation fully.
I don’t know how I survived having a job for 6 months. I really don’t. Quitting was regrettable but I’m also glad I don’t have to be in public all the time anymore. But since then.. it’s like it became harder to do those things. I leave the house about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. I don’t go outside for more than 2 minutes to take out the trash the few times that I do. When I do go into public now I sweat buckets and rub my hands all over my neck and wring my clothes out of anxiety. I bet I look stupid.
My refusal to drive more is upsetting my parents. Actually everything I do is upsetting my parents but I just don’t know what to do. I feel so empty and weak and fatigued every waking moment. I’ve tried therapists, anti-Ds, other things but it’s no different. I just don’t feel truly present in reality 95% of the time. My emotions and reactions to things don’t make sense to me. My avoidance of things I actually enjoy also doesn’t make sense to me. The only thing that makes sense to me is that I’m fucking depressed as shit and I wish I could go back and cut the start of all this off at the source. My head hurts.
