#ohzmat

[ihaveanewblogunfollowthisone]

ohzmat replied to your post: i have really strong opinions about kindness and...

Would you like to hear about Jesus

would you like to hear about a DICK (i was going to say "my dick" but i don't have one :(

[ihaveanewblogunfollowthisone]

the webcam tag

i tag kelly and matt

[funhomes]

I'm dumping ohzmat. I would like cinderella-laura.

[kenzgrn]

ohzmat replied to your post: Going to be unfollowing some blogs very soon. A...

I had to do that too not long ago.

It is something I had been contemplating for a couple weeks, but the things they were posting weren't so bad, but now it's just escalated to the point where I can't stand seeing them on my dashboard because they are making some sarcastic remark that borders on just ridiculously rude and hateful. That's not how the people of God are supposed to speak. We're supposed to speak with love. 

I'm just really revved up about this right now.  

[moonmint]

Rooftops and Cigarette Smoke (a short story, final edited version)

Jamie flicked his cigarette over the edge of the rooftop. Jamie flicked each of his cigarettes like he wished the ashes would burn down the whole world. I knew him well enough to tell what kind of mood he was in by how many cigarettes he smoked in an hour.  When he was in a good mood he could barely finish two. He was up to five. The stiff wind whipped the cigarette smoke over Jamie’s shoulder and sent my long, stringy hair back like a kite. Jamie just sat there staring into the gray sky, gazing into the steel city skyline. His worn paperback cover of Hamlet lay forgotten beside him. When Jamie wasn’t talking he was reading. Sometimes he even did both at once. This was very bad. Jamie never let silence sit for too long.

            Say something.

            I tried to speak, but it was like my lips were glued together. I knew it was illogical, but terror gripped me at the thought of speaking out loud. I had lived so long with that terror that I had gotten so used to not speaking. I didn’t think I would have known how if I had tried.

The silence wasn’t right. Jamie knew that I didn’t talk, and he always understood that. He filled my silence with his own voice. I had never spoken to Jamie. I had never had to. He always understood. But lately everything had been so wrong. His moods changed like wind during a storm, but he was never angry at me. Somehow I could always call him back. God knows how I did it. I never said a word. But I wasn’t calling him back. I was sitting there like I always had but it wasn’t working. I was invisible, just like I was to everyone else. When you don’t say anything, it is very easy for people to forget that you are even there.

            He extinguished his cigarette by grinding it against the concrete rooftop. He spoke to me. The sense of relief I felt overwhelmed me. I was not invisible  

            “Do you ever feel dizzy? Like the world around you is tilting in all directions, and you don’t know if you can even stand anymore? Things get distorted and you try and try to decipher what is real from the blurred images around you, but you can’t even tell which direction is up. That’s what my head is like all of the time, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I try and try to be here, but every one of my thoughts is filled with that dizziness to the point where it’s like I can’t even breathe. And I wish.” He paused and breathed out heavily as he ran his fingers through his already close-cropped hair, “I wish that I could explain it to you, but I know that no matter how much I try and try to put the words together, I know none of them will come out. I guess-” he chuckled nervously, “I guess I finally know what it’s like to be you.” He turned to me. “You’ve always been there, and you’ve always listened. You never said a word. You never had to.” He put his hand on my shoulder and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

            Say something.

I didn’t expect it. He leaned his forehead into my temple. It didn’t last long. Maybe five seconds. But somehow I got the feeling that it would last forever. Then he got up. Just like that, the closeness had vanished as quickly as it came. I suddenly felt empty. At the time I didn’t know why.

            “I-” for a second it sounded like his voice broke and he cleared his throat. “I have to go now. You’ve always been so good to me. Sometimes I wonder if I ever deserved it at all.”

            Don’t let him go! Say something!

            But the words wouldn’t come. I heard the door to the rooftop shut. I sat there alone until I remembered Jamie’s copy of Hamlet sitting beside me. Jamie was a literature buff, although nobody knew that but me. He came up to the roof with copies of The Great Gatsby, Of Mice and Men, The Catcher in the Rye, Hamlet. He called me his Horatio, but I never knew why. I could never get through the damned play. I picked up the book and hugged it to my chest while I stared off into the gray sky.

            Sometimes I wonder, maybe if I had said a word, if I had told him to stay, that maybe I could have saved him. Sometimes I walk down a street and curls of cigarette smoke drift by, or sometimes I’ll come across some kids sitting on a rooftop. Sometimes I run my fingers over the close-cropped cracks in the paperback cover of Hamlet, which I have since read many times. I’ve become so familiar with it that I know it inside and out. When the emptiness fills me, I pick up the book and hug it to my chest, like I did that day on the rooftop. It is then that I start saying the words that I couldn’t say then, that I will never ever be able to say again. I repeat them over and over until the sobs hit me so hard I can’t speak anymore.

            “Come back.”

[ihaveanewblogunfollowthisone]

a google hangout has never happened without the following topics being discussed:

sophia's boobs

matt's ballsack pain

someone telling me i'm cute

rachel asking for someone's bra/penis size

[ihaveanewblogunfollowthisone]

we were in a hangout and Kelly and I were talking about last names and then all of the sudden matt was dancing around in his underwear with a dog face on i'm so happy about my friends

[ihaveanewblogunfollowthisone]

me: "wait... did i just say 'sidebar'?"

matt: "yeah. yeah you did."