Fighting to live – Storyline 1 - Together
John
After Raven had her first seizure Doc Griffin put me on the task of monitoring Raven and the ticking time bomb in her head, probably because I wasn’t much good for anything else. She’d been in the rocket for hours running simulation after simulation, she was relentless. The first ten were irritating, her grunts and screams when it failed again and again; grated on my nerves. I tried to get her to take and break or eat something but she refused, I’d barely managed to convince her to poke her head out of the damned thing to drink some water, and even then I had my head bitten off for distracting her.
“I’m just following doctor’s orders.” I told her, which earned me a salty reply about not being good for anything else. Attempts ten through twenty had me worried, she was in pain and denying it, if she didn’t take a break her brain was going to start leaking out of her ears. A frustrated growl ripped through the massive space from the pod and it reminded of the animalist sounds she made when she was tied to the bed in the trading post. When A.L.I.E. had her pop out her own shoulder and rip open the wounds on her wrists again… amongst other things.
I shook my head as another frustrated wail slashed through the brief silence that followed the end of the simulation. “Reyes!” I said into the earpiece. “Give it a rest before your brain melts! Get some sleep and try again later.” I hopped the ball in my hand off the far wall again and caught it, and to my surprise the door popped open and swung clear of the hatch.
Raven
My brow frowning, as I concentrate on the task at hand. My forehead speckles with beads of sweat, and my eyes flying from screen to screen within the launch pod. “Fuel levels critical and dropping fast, Warning. Warning. Warning” The screen flashing red before my eyes. Fuel showing at 6% when I needed it to be at least 26% at this stage of entry. The screen showing me once again how I’d failed the simulation.
“No. No. No. COME ON! No!” I screamed out at the screen as if that will change the outcome. “Brace for impact” the computer says, warning alarms going off all around me. The screen showing a large explosion and everything around me goes dark. Closing my eyes, I try to breath, I try to tell myself I can work this out. But the sharp pain behind my right eye won’t allow me to think clearly.
“Mission Failed. Exterior damage 100%, Cargo destruction 100%, Fatality 100%”
Murphy’s voice came over the earpiece and I wanted to pull it off my ear and throw it at the wall. But I stopped myself. Standing I limped over to the pod door and pushed it open. Leaning my head out seeing him playing with a ball against the hanger wall. “Why don’t you just shut up and leave? I don’t need your help here. I don’t need to sleep; I don’t have time to sleep! I got this, just go.” It was far from the truth. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get the simulation to land successfully. Lifting myself out of the pod, I step down the metal stairs to the ground. Needed to rerun the numbers once again. “What am I missing here?” I mutter to myself.
John
I rolled my eyes and hopped the ball off the wall again and caught it. The woman was exhausted; I was shocked that she was even capable of standing at this point. She’d barely slept since she was EMPed. I caught the ball again and came to stand a few feet from the stairs. It was only a matter of time before something cracked, and I knew the others would find a way to twist it until it was somehow my fault.
She was the only one that could figure this out, if she gave herself a stroke before figuring out how to get this century old pod to space and back in one piece we were all dead… not dying was pretty much my mantra. So, if her taking it easy for a few hours was the key to this, then I’d find a way to make it happen.
“Look, why don’t you come up to the house… You can eat, take a shower.” I paused and raised an eyebrow. “I mean, when was the last time you had the chance to take a hot shower? Then get some sleep and get right back to it?” I bounced the ball on the floor this time, my face was as considerate as I could manage through the frayed nerves of the past few hours of muffled alarms and warnings sounding both through the earpiece and from inside the pod. “Come on… take a break Raven.”
Raven
Not really paying any attention to him stood by me, I leant over the computer screen, reading the numbers and trying to work on and different trajectory for the pod to take. My mind working in loops of the failures I’d had all day long. The bounce of the ball distracting my attention away from the screen. “Murphy. If you don’t stop with that ball, I swear I will shove it where it will hurt!” I snap at him. Lending forward I bend into my knees, my hand flying up to my right eyes again. Another sharp pain knifes its way through my head. It was getting worst I knew it. But I couldn’t stop. “If I don’t get that thing into space” pointing to the pod, now standing upright again. “They you can bet your life ( we all ) will have a nice long sleep. As in ( Forever )” Turning to face him now. “Why can’t you see I don’t have time to ( shower ) or ( eat ) or ( sleep ). Is there anyone else here who can work on this if I’m taking a nap? It’s not like Sinclair can come back from the dead and do this with me.” Moving around him to look at the clear glass screen with the mapped-out configuration of the earth and the outline to the distance needed to travel.
John
I rushed forward instinctively when the brunette dropped to her knees, the ball in my hand falling to the floor and rolling across the vast space. I forgot for a moment it was Raven Reyes I was dealing with; I reached out to help her back to her feet. I was reminded of her inability to accept help when I was dismissed with a wave of her hand. I was mentally preparing to call out for #Abby when her hand pressed against her forehead, watching her eyes carefully when she finally opened them to glare at me, searching for the constricted pupils and tell-tale twitching the Doc warned me about.
I glanced around quickly making a mental note of where the seizure kit was, calculating how long it could take the doctor to get here once I yelled for her, checking the space immediately around Raven for anything that would injure her if she lashed out during the fit.
“And if you work yourself to death before you solve it we all die too.” I sighed as she stepped around me, ignoring every word I said. I moved to stand between her and the screen, trying to get her to face the fact that she needed to clear her head. “I know your brain is super charged right now. But you’re still only human. I didn’t put my ass in the line of fire to get you out of Arkadia just to stand around and watch you kill yourself!” I hadn’t meant to raise my voice but as I spoke the volume increased.
Raven
My eyes couldn’t focus, the board was beginning to blah. Shaking my hand from side to side I try to look at it again. But he was there. In my way ( Again ). An anger started to rise within like never before. “What the hell Murphy? Get out of my way!” I push him to the side, trying to get him out of my way. “Don’t you think I know that? Why do you think I am here? In pain and still trying to fix this mess?” My eyes narrowing, moving to his face at the way he was speaking to me. “What Do You Want from Me? Need me to bow down every time you come in the room? Because you ( SAVED ME )? Want me to kiss the GROUND YOU WALK ON? I didn’t ask you to put your arse on the line for me. YOU DID THAT YOURSELF!” I push him again, this time harder. “I CANNOT FAIL HERE MURPHY!! But you don’t get it. To you it’s all about looking after yourself, right? To hell with everyone else?” the volume of my voice growing with every word, a well of emotions building within me like a volcano ready to erupt. “I have had ENOUGH of your stupid little jokes. Your one liner. You playing with balls when the world is coming to an end. Abby is an idiot for trusting you. She doesn’t know you like I do Murphy!” My hands moving to his chest and pushing him back. I stand close talking in his face now. “You think it is a joke? You think I like being the one everyone is waiting on? What do you think will happen if I just leave and walk out of here?” I didn’t know where it came from, my right hand fisted up and before I could stop myself, I pulled it back and punched him in the jaw. As my words spat out at him, I kept hitting him.
John
I rolled my eyes at the first pathetic attempt at shoving me; I let her scream. It was a stupid thing to say… sure it was true. But she didn’t give a shit about what I gone through to get her out of there. Her words roll over me like water off a duck back. The second shove was far less pathetic, she knocked me back a step. “What the fuck is wrong with you!?” I clenched my jaw as i resisted the urge to strike back.
I move back as she advanced on me, still screaming. My own rage swelled just as hers did, but my eyes kept flicking to the seizure kit next to the monitor Raven had abandoned to lash out at me. She said nothing I hadn’t heard before, from her, Clarke, Bellamy… hell even my own fucking mother. But never the Doc, that one struck a chord and I dropped my gaze to the floor while the tirade continued. I halted my slow retreat, she pushed me back with short, angry jabs, she was inches from my face now but I couldn’t look at her. I knew I’d snap.
Then something hit me. Raven hit me! My head snapped to the side, I tasted blood and my lip stung. I’d been hit harder but this was so unexpected, by the time I rolled my head back to look at her she was swinging for me again. I couldn’t catch her wrist in time. I moved back and she advanced lashing out again and again.
“Raven!! Stop!” I yelled. “Raven!”
I pinned her upper arms to her body to halt her attack, but she continued the struggle. “I don’t want to hurt you Raven! Calm Down!”
Second later a pale Luna appeared, wrenching the maniac out of my grip and controlling her far easier than I had. She took her to the floor and spoke to her like they were having a friendly conversation, telling her to breathe… because clearly the woman was in a state to be reasoned with. She had Raven repeat a phrase in the grounder’s language.
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.”
(I give myself up to the miracle of the sea.)
Slowly I saw her start to calm down; I raised my hand to my swelling lip and brushed the blood from my mouth, my anger settling into that familiar ball in the middle of my chest. Who knew when or where this one would be released?
Raven
Luna takes a hold of me and pulls me back off of him. My mind not connecting to the emotions I was feeling. Nothing felt right inside of me. All I knew was that I needed to get this anger I felt out of me. It didn’t matter who it was, how it happened, all I knew in this moment was that it had to be done. I got another hard punch into his chest this time as Luna pulled me back. Her arms clasped around my arms pinning them down, her face resting on my shoulders, as the two of us fell back to the ground. She didn’t let go. No matter how much I screened at her, she pulled me to the ground and kept me close to her. Her cheek on mine, her heart beating close to mine. Holding me back into her chest she speaks so softly I couldn’t hear her at first. All I saw was Murphy and all I felt was my rage towards him. “Breathe Raven, just breathe.” She whispered Ito my ear. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t breathe, my lungs felt as if they wouldn’t work for me. I couldn’t think. My mind was spiralling into the darkest parts of my being. All I could feel was hatred like never before.
So much so that in the moment I wanted to kill. I needed to lash out and hurt someone, and he was there.
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” Luna whispers in my ears.
“Say it Raven, say it with me. Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” I felt the anger dissipating from within, my lungs starting to accept the air I was breathing in. My head connecting once again to everything around me and I whisper.
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.”( I give myself, to the miracle, of the sea )
Luna holds me. Rocking us both back and forward, until the tension in my body gives way. Only them does it all start to come into focus for me. My eyes flash up to see Murphy and his bleeding lip. I swallowed hard. My internal voice telling me “You did that to him. All he was doing was trying to help you. And that’s how you repaid him Raven! How could you?” My eyes were burning, I wanted to pull myself up and apologise for my actions, for the words I’d spat at him. But I couldn’t. Within the passing of that flashing moment, I pulled myself up off the ground and away from Luna. My eyes never once leaving John.
“Let’s Go Again!” The words out and my mind focused once again on the task in hand. Turning I walked the short distance the Metal stairs, pulling myself up them one step at a time.
John
Luna’s obvious strength was at odds with everything I knew about her. She was clearly a fighter, she held onto the flailing, screaming Raven without taking so much as a slap or even missing a single breath… if she was that strong why did she isolate herself in the name of peace? Of course, this was the same woman that turned down the chance to be Queen of the Castle. Commanding an army of grounders… Who turned that down?
Nothing broke through her calm façade; even I had to admit she was impressive. I watched Raven’s rage fade away slowly, the words repeating in my head over and over again even though I had no idea what they meant. I watch them both, filled with an uncomfortable mix of guilt, envy and worry. Guilt for the pain I’d caused her.
Envy at the grounder that could’ve had it all and chose peace instead.
Worry that Raven wouldn’t survive this, and even if she did she’d never be the same.
Guilt that it was me that got Jaha over that last leg of the journey to this hell-hole island.
Guilt that I didn’t destroy the backpack when I’d had the chance.
Raven’s skin had the slight sheen I was so used to seeing on her, the look of struggle; internal and otherwise. The tell-tale signs of pain and exhaustion in her eyes when they finally locked onto mine again. One corner of my mouth curled up when her words rang through the now silent space.
“Let’s go again.” And she was off; she wasn’t going to stop until it was done.
Luna looked at me like I was a wounded puppy. “I know the darkness that she’s fighting.” She was still sat cross legged on the ground as though everything that happened was perfectly normal.
“Yeah!” I rolled my eyes, pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth. “Well… the darkness can kiss my worthless arse.” I pulled the ear piece from my ear and tossed it to our black-blooded saviour.
“Congratulations, you’re the new Raven whisperer.”
I swept out of the room and into one of the upstairs offices with a view of the lab floor. The ball in my chest aching for some payback, as soon as I heard the soft sound of the glass door sealing behind me I lashed out; my foot slamming as hard as I could into the chair opposite the large glass desk. I barely registered the sharp ache in my foot as the leg snapped and the chair rolled and skidded across the floor, silently screaming in my head. I knew better than to let it out.
I sank into the chair behind the desk, replaying the scene in my head, trying to recall what Luna had said to her.
“Ai skiv ai op moron niron…”
(I creep on myself tomorrow, my love.)
“Ai giv op, nami”
(I give up, know what I mean?)
Raven
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.”( I give myself, to the miracle, of the sea )I whisper it over and over again, slowly and softly sitting back in the pilots’ chair. My eyes closed as I feel the anger dancing within myself. Luna had a way to slow the ( darkness ) she called it. I’d call it madness ( not that I’d tell them ). “Computer starts simulation” I open my eyes once again looking at the screen before me. I didn’t have the luxury to sit here and meditate for the rest of the day. Even if Lunas Yoda skills had been helping me.
“Engage to re-entry in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.” The robotic voice of the computer starts to speak, and I whisper under my breath, we could do this. But the problem was we really couldn’t! It had failed each time I tried, and I knew in my gut this time it would fail too.
“This is Bullshit!” I scream out, punching the consuls with my hands and kicking the chair with my one working foot. My mind maybe working 100 miles per hour, and yet I couldn’t see past this one problem? I’d masters so much before this, and yet now when it really mattered? Pulling myself up out of the chair, I climbed out of the pod. Seeing the lab empty.
“Finally, I can get some work done in peace!”
Hopping down the stairs I had to stop before I made it to the desk. The pain shooting behind my eyes again making me keel over.
“Not now, I can’t deal with you now!” Pressing the palm of my hands into my eyes, over my forehead until it passes, and I could stand up right again. “I swear these things are taking longer to go each time!” Shaking my head my glance locks on to the computer, and I can’t see anything else in the moment. I knew I had to run the numbers again.
Even if this was the 20th time I was doing it. “There has to be something I’m not seeing.” Leaning down I rest my elbows on top of the desk. “Computer re-run thrusters and fuel data with the adjustment of 8%.”
John
I replayed every punch, slap and scream in my head while I remained secluded in the office. Raven held grudges, I got that… hell, I’d probably lose respect for her if she didn’t. There was that gnawing feeling inside of me that told me saving her from A.L.I.E. would never earn me any gratitude whatsoever. My mind ran over that moment again and again.
The image of her grey, almost lifeless form on the bed in medical burning into the insides of my eyelids, the blood loss leeching the colour from her skin… I remembered the cold press of the gun to my chin in the bunker when I was ready to give in. At the time I’d wondered if she’d felt the same hopelessness that I had, when she took the blade to her own wrists, I wondered how much of it was my doing.
That was before I figured out what had truly happened, the grotesque way her body rose from the bed, rigid and machinelike. The inhuman voice that issued from her hijacked form, filled with false kindness and promises of forgiveness and peace, the emotionless smile. I shuddered at the memory and pressed my clasped hands to my mouth, causing my fresh wound to sting.
“You should let Abby look at that.” Luna walked in; her ever-calm expression pissed me off.
“I’ve had worse.” I leaned back into my seat.
“Raven needs you.” Luna’s eyes moved to the broken chair across the room.
“Raven doesn’t /need/ anybody. Haven’t you picked up on that yet?” I bit with all the venom I could summon up, the Zen master’s eyes didn’t even flicker.
“You need each other.” Luna baited, and I just laughed. She turned to leave with the same serene, maddening smile.
“Hey.” I leaned forward, my curiosity winning out over my need for this conversation to be over.
“What did you say to her down there? Something about surrendering… to what?”
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” She said in that enchanting tone of voice that set my teeth on edge.
“What does it mean?” But the nightblood just left.
I repeated the words, remembering the few I’d learned from Emori on the road. “Nemiyon… nomi won…” (Miracle… mom one…) I couldn’t figure that one out. Regardless, I repeated the phrased over and over until I caved.
“It’s not going to work.” I smirked and came down the stairs, hearing Raven’s command to the computer. She glowered at me and I got close to her, close enough to piss her off. “You know what your problem is Raven… You think you’re so fucking smart. So prove it. Your brain is a super computer now, right? Fly the damn thing yourself and forget the simulation.” I knew exactly what I was doing; Luna’s face had the same knowing look that I forced myself to ignore.
Raven
“I’ve changed it all. I’m change the re-entry, I’m reverse the thrusters, I’ve even lightened the load. Why is this not working?” My head pounding sweat beading on my forehead and rolling down my temples. As my eyes scanned the screams and the data flashing in front of me. It wasn’t adding up. Luna had at some point made her way back into the lab. She sat four feet away from me, whispering and meditating. If I was to guess in the hopes that I’d listen to her words and allow them to wash over me as I had the last time. The angrier I got, the louder she’d say the words. “For the love of Our people Luna, meditation isn’t going to help me land this stupid ship Luna, stop it I can’t think with you sitting there whispering like some Yoda!” I snapped at her. Pushing back from the desk I throw my head back, screaming out in my own frustrations. “I am better than this!” And I knew I was, but again the anger was itching to flow over and out of me. The more I allowed myself to doubt myself, and harder this darkness within me wanted to rush over and out of me. Hearing the footsteps before I hear his voice. Muttering under my breath “oh great, he’s come back again. That’s all I need right now!” The frustration was palpable, and his commented never helped. “Shut Up Murphy! You don’t know what you are talking about here. The simulation is designed for every change, every variable possible to impact us up there.” Point my finger up. Luna finally stopped with her meditation, jumping down from the desk she’d been sitting on. “Raven you know what you are doing, your mind is the most amazing thing I’ve seen working. Why don’t you try to fight the pod manually and see how that works? I mean you don’t need to land on the ground, the sea is really the true lifeline of our planet.” Her words were like a light switch going off in my mind. “What did you just say?” My eyes widen and I start to crunch the numbers in my head. “We don’t need land we can use the water?” Jumping up and limp over to Luna, grabbing her face in my hands. “I could kiss you! That’s it! I can manually land the pod, but on the water! That would mean we could cruise down and we wouldn’t need that much fuel. A controlled crash over the sea!” Hopping as fast as I could, moving around John who was stood in my way again. “Dude, move! You’re always in the way!” I climb back into the pod and this time, I override the auto pilot and run the return landing simulation. The computer warning me not to do it, but I knew I had this. Watching each screen, I felt my heartbeat racing in my chest. My mind thinking about the next three steps before I even completed the task I had in hand. And when the computer goes to warning about the crash I don’t care.
“Mission Failed. Exterior damage 58%, cargo destruction 0%, fatality 0%” This time the screams of joy filled that pod
“I DID IT! I DID IT!! OH MY GOD! This can WORK!”
John
“Right.” I rolled my eyes. “Luna…” Sarcasm dripping from my words, I stepped aside when she almost ran right into me. It was my fault, of course, but I wasn’t in the mood to get hit again. She climbed back into the pod and all I could hear was the muffled sounds of the automated voice from the outside on the pod, the blue glow visible through Luna’s hair indicating she was still wearing the earpiece.
“What’s going on?” Abby came into the room, looking almost as exhausted as Raven. “Is she still in
there?”
Luna and I just looked at her, but the doctors eyes fell on my fresh cut. “What happened to you?”
“It’s nothing.” I flinched away when the Doc reached out to examine my split lip. “Luna was teaching me some moves… Apparently I have none.” I let out a dark chuckle and Abby accepted my lie without pressing for more. The simulation was louder now as Raven piloted the re-entry. After having a front row seat to the action on the inside of the pod, it was frustrating not being able to hear exactly what was going on. But the screams that followed the sounds of the rocket powering down could only mean one thing.
“She did it!” Abby gasped, Luna and the Doc made their way to the steps and waited for Raven to climb down so they could congratulate her. I stayed put, watching the trio. Raven’s face was unburdened.
“Yeah, she did.” I said to myself.
We were going to survive, all of us. Nothing else mattered. She’d saved us all… again.
_____________
Abby pressed the seizure kit against my chest. “Don’t let her over work herself again.” She told me for the third time. “She needs rest to pull this off.”
“She won’t listen to me.” I complained; my eyes bore into Abby’s. “Someone else should take her.”
“There is no one else. I’ve taken a lot of blood from Luna; Raven hasn’t eaten or slept in who knows how long.”
“Jackson ca-“I was cut off.
“I need Jackson to help me prepare the Nightblood Solution. You need to watch over them, John.”
I exhaled heavily and shuffled from one foot to the other, Abby continued. “You can do this. You know what to do if she seizes… and I have my radio if you need me. Watch over them.”
Luna was slumped, half-asleep against one of the consoles. Raven was shoving things into a bag across the room. I shook my head. “Reyes, no homework… you already solved it!”
I looked at Luna, her calm expression replaced by heavy circles under her eyes and that same sickly sheen that Raven seemed to have shed since her success. I slipped my arm under Luna’s and hoisted her to her feet. “Think you can make it to the house?” I asked Raven. “I don’t think she can.”
Raven
“Of course, I can.” My glaze lands on Luna and I nod towards the doors. “You should head off now. She really needs to sleep. I won’t be far behind you both.” I’d stopped from packing my bag, until I was sure I was alone again. “As if landing the pod once means I got this down? I need to practice it, and this lot just want me to ( sleep ) and ( eat ). I’m sure death is the best sleep I’ll ever get in my life.” Speaking to myself, or so I thought.
“But if you and we don’t look yourself Raven there will be no chance of us making it up there.” I jumped out of my skin. “Abby, I thought.” She placed her hands over mine, squeezing then before taking the note books from my hand.
“You did it Raven, taking some time to rest wont change anything. As soon as Clarke and Bellamy are here, you’ll be working hundred miles per hour again. So go to the house now. I don’t want you out there alone.” Abby walked me to the door, to make sure I left. I showed her again how to turn the drones on and off. And when to do it. Throwing my bag over my shoulder I stepped out into the fresh air. I couldn’t remember how many days I’d been down in the lab, I’d not left from the moment we arrived.
Getting naps in on the couch in the office, but mostly just trying to work out how I could use what we had to survive. The concrete entrance of the lab stood tall on the plain hill top in land on the island , with views spread across the valley below, the forest and the sea past it. I’d never taken the time to ( really ) look at any of it. But with the small success I’d just had with help from Luna and yes even Murphy ( not that I’d tell him ) I allowed myself a moment to take it all in.
My eyes moving up to the sky above me, I smile. “I’ll be seeing you really soon.” The walk back to Becca’s Mansion wasn’t far, and it was a clear path without needing to worry about anyone trying to kill you. ( at least as long as the drones were offline ). The welcome we had gotten from them when we first arrived wasn’t one I’d forget or want to replay anytime soon. But standing in front of the large white and grey 21st century mansion still took my breath away. Walking in the tall double glass doors, it felt more like a hotel lobby from the images Pike had once shown me years ago.
With marble floors, Long chandeliers and fine art on the walls. I had been astonished at how that all survived in pristine condition for so long. Then again, my brain wasn’t so with it to care right now about it. It was a dry, clean warm place for us to stay. It was luxury in hell from where I stood. Making my way through the house towards the back of the building I pushed the doors open to the residential area and the kitchen. Coming to a stop at the large floor to ceiling glass doors looking out back over the swimming pool and the gardens.
“I guess I’ve been missing out on a lot all these days?”
John
I half carried the drowsy nightblood to the mansion, I saw Raven struggle more than she’d ever admit, but thankfully she made the trip under her own power. Luna was completely out of it, I adjusted my grip around her waist as her feet slid uselessly on the marble. Taking her the whole way through to the back of the house, I deposited her on one of the deep, plush couches and tried to make her comfortable.
“Yeah.” I laughed lightly at Raven’s comment. “I tried to tell you.”
There was no bitterness in my voice just casual teasing, I lifted Luna’s head and pulled a cushion under her, before laying her back down. I pulled her legs up onto the still-luxurious century old sofa and pulled a fur throw from the back to cover her. “Why don’t you go pick a room and clean up? I’ll sort something to eat.” I didn’t wait for her to snap about not telling her what to do before I headed to the kitchen.
I hit the keypad on the wall, tapping in the code to reactivate the drones as I passed, clicking the radio to let the lab know. “Drones hot.” Two clicks back confirmed the message was received. A few more taps and the room filled with music on a low volume so as not to wake the already sleeping Luna.
(Music RUELLE - War Of Hearts )
I flicked through the cookbook on the counter to one of the pages I’d dog-eared and glanced over the ingredients before I dug in the freezer and pantry for the things I needed, and the extras I’d experimented with during my first stay.
Raven
Turning to face him, parting my lips to tell him where he can put his ordering around of me, but I stop.
Watching him taking care of Luna, I couldn’t find it in me to clap back at him. He looked tired too, worried and drained. He’d been stuck in the Lab for as long as I was today. And I hadn’t been the kindest of people towards him. ( not that I’d ever tell him this ) I also didn’t want to wake Luna from her sleep. She finally was curled up on the sofa and looked at peace.
Watching him for a moment I’m shocked to see him walking into the kitchen and acting as if he knew what to do in there. “Don’t burn the house down.” Is all I say limping off to ( Find a room ). The sound of the music humming through speakers in the house.
Climbing the stairs to the first floor I stop seeing a number of doors on both sides on a long hallway. Opening the first I close it seeing someone's belongings in there, I moved down three more doors before I came to one where nothing had been touched.
Pushing the door open, I come to a standstill my eyes widen at the size and how clean and beautiful it all was. White walls with art hanging on them.
A very large bed with soft covers and blankets, soft rugs covering the floors and thick curtains hanging to the sides of the tall windows.
To the far side of the room another door. Closing the bedroom door behind me, placing my bag down to the side of the door, I slowly walk across the room and push it open to find a bathroom. Fitted with a large tub and walking shower. Things I’d only seen in classes with Pike.
“How well the old worlders lived. Or at least Becca.” The music was still playing, and I could hear it much clearer from the speaker in the bathroom. I listened to the words, taking my brace off and putting it to the side. Slowly undressed myself, careful not to trip on my leg.
Stepping into the walk-in shower. Turning the water on I stood watching as clean hot water dropped from the head above, how the steam filled the room and how it mixed with the soothing sound of the music.
Close my eyes I stepped under the water. Looking to as the water washed over my face, pushing my hair back and flowing over my body.
Tingling as the hot water touched my bare skin making its way down to the ground. I placed my hands on the wall, allowing my head to fall forward and felt the drops of steam surrounding me and hugging me. The words to the song washing over me as the water washes away some of my pain.
“Stay with me a little longer,
I will wait for you,
Shadows creep,
And want grows stronger,
Deeper than the truth.”
I find myself lost in them, as if it was trying to tell me something.
“I can't help but love you,
Even though I try not to,
I can't help but want you,
I know that I'd die without you.”
Humming along, I step out of the shower wrapping a large soft towel around my wet body. I stand looking at it and feeling the fabric touching my naked skin. Never before had something this fluffy touched me. I found some clean clothes in the tall wardrobes and I knew right away I was in Becca’s room. She was most definitely the same size as me, as I slipped into a black top and bottoms before making my way back down the stairs.
The smell of food cooking making my mouth water. Coming to a stop at the door I look in watching Murphy lost in a world of his own. Pulling my wet hair to the side I half smile, he looked happy? Dancing and singing along to the music.
John
I hadn’t taken full advantage of the mansion during my first stay, but the kitchen I had enjoyed, and not just because it was well stocked. Apparently there was something I was good at… there just wasn’t many places left on earth or the Ark where I could do it. I’d made soup for Luna because I wasn’t sure she’d be able for solid food yet; and apparently grounders fed soup to sick people.
I unashamedly danced around the space as I worked, finally able to relax. It was easy now, just thinking about the moment, because of Raven. If I had to take a few punches before she got there, so be it, soon we’d all be nightbloods and we’d ride out apocalypse 2.0. It was going to suck for a while… but I wasn’t about to wallow in that for the moment. We’d survive, but right now I could do a lot more than just survive. I poured the wine I’d brought up from the cellar into a glass; there was an empty one next to it. I thought it was best not to ply the blood donor with alcohol.
When I turned around to take the pot off the electric burner, I spotted Raven. She looked better already, her hair was still wet and she was clearly wearing something she’d found upstairs. She looked more and more like she did from before… I swallowed the thought and dropped my gaze back to the pot.
I dipped the wooden spoon into the complicated fish stew recipe and scooped some up. “If you think those showers are heavenly…” I smirk walking across the room to her, with a knowing, cocky grin playing on my features. “Just wait until you taste this.” I held the spoon out to her to try it, lifting a brow.
Raven
At first I wanted to ask if he was planning on poisoning me, but I thought better of it. Parting my lips, I let him place the wooden spoon on them. Taking a small mouthful, my finger moved up to cover my mouth. “Did you make that Murphy?” Looking at him in a little shock at the ability to created something from nothing. “How? Where? When?” The questions were coming faster than I could ask them. I glance around him at the kitchen and how there were utensils out and ingredients on the counter tops. A bottle of. “Is that wine?” My eyes widen with surprise. Moving around him I walked over to the cooker, holding my hair back as I lean in to take in the scent of what he was cooking. “What is this? And how did you learn to make it?” Remembering Luna was asleep in the next room I lowered my voice a little so not to disturb her from her rest. “and where did all the wine come from? I mean. Come on. The shower blow my mind.” Standing up again, and Placing my hands to my head and pulling them out as if my head exploded. But you Murphy. Cooking dinner. I think I’m still in the shower. Dead or at least dreaming right?” A small laugh escaping my mouth as I turn to face you now.
John
I laughed at her, the questions dropping one after another. “Of course I made it.” I scoffed and raised my hands and motion to the huge expanse of the kitchen. “I don’t see anyone else around here… conscious at least.” I spot the furry lump on the couch in the next room that was the sleeping Luna.
With another laugh I move to fill the other glass with wins, and hand it to her with a dramatic flourish I’d seen in old films at the movie nights on farm station. “Yeah the cellar is full of it and the bunker too, apparently Becca was a bit of a collector” I roll my eyes. “Fat lot of good it did her… I mean why have it and not enjoy it?” I take a sip from my own glass and savour it.
The look on her face when she leaned over the pot was far more satisfying than I’d been expecting. “It’s called a recipe.” I point to the open book on the counter, down playing my talent. “And, of course my own expertly chosen additions, I’m pretty sure it’s the wrong kind of fish, but it works” I lean in and smell my own creation, it was good. I dished it out into a plate for her and slid it across to her. “Don’t worry about the wine; it’s nothing like Monty’s moonshine. It won’t get you bombed… unless you drink enough of it.”
I take the other pot with the soup for Luna off the stove and give it a quick stir; glancing into the next room again… she was still sleeping. I didn’t know if I should wake her or not, I decided to feed myself first and if she wasn’t awake by then I’d get her up. The Doc was trusting me, she was the only person ever to do that. I didn’t want to blow it.
Pouring out a healthy portion for myself; I tuck in without hesitation. “Mmm! I really am just that good!” I wink at Raven across the kitchen island.
Raven
“Way too many questions exploding in my head right now Murphy!” I glance over to the sofa where Luna was sleeping and kept my voice down. I didn’t want to wake her. My eyes moving from the cook, around the kitchen. And then over the glass he was over dramatically holding out for me. taking it I bought it up to my nose. “It’s old grapes, right? Those little round fruits?” I was trying hard to think what Pike had told us about it. But look at the glass instead. “Let’s not be rude about Monty and his moonshine skills. I didn’t see you complaining when it was all we had to drink!” Moving to sit down on the island waiting for him to give me something to eat. “I mean, sure you know where to find the alcohol. But if I ask you to give me the rench you just look at me with a blank stare?” Rolling my eyes with a small laugh. Something I’d not done in a long time. “And not to mention I didn’t know you could read!” My hands moving from my ear outwards as if my mind was blowing up. Picking up the spoon I fill it with the fish thing whatever he said it was and fill my mouth and chew on it. “Hell. Murphy.” Is all I could say before taking another mouthful. Picking up the glass I took a sip of the wine and I was impressed. Leaning on the island, with one arm as I eat. “So what else can you make? If the world is coming to an end. We should have a feast.” But I knew I’d not be here for it. And If we didn’t make it back in time with the nightblood serum Abby was trying to make. Well. “I’m not even joking when I say, you missed your calling John.”
John
I couldn’t help but smirk as she rambled. ”Hey, we can’t all be mechanically minded.” I smiled, she was relaxing, no secret coding or re-running entry stats going on in that head of hers. Abby’s words rang in my head again. The gratification I felt every-time she took a bite was strange. Probably because it was the only thing I’d ever done well.
Raven’s reading comment made me choke on my food. 'Bitch!' I thought. But I’d her for that one later, I was actually accomplishing something here. Something that could be the difference between the rocket making it to space and back… Ensuring not only my survival but everyone else's. It was a minor contribution, and my head told me Raven would pull this off no matter what. And she would.
Still, I clung to the thought.
”It depends on what’s in the pantry and freezer. No one’s really been here since the City of Light fell. So the place is still stocked.” I shook my head with a dark laugh. ”A feast? The world is ending, Reyes! Again! And you want to take your eye off the ball for a party? The wine must be stronger than I thought.” Raven calling me John was a bizarre feeling unless she was using my full name to berate me or scream at me, that never happened.
Raven
Finishing every bite from the plate I sat back. I’d not known how hungry I’d been until he placed the wooden spoon to my lips. And then the flood gates opened. With a shrug of my shoulder I picked up the wine glass and played with it between my fingers. As my thoughts went back to the City of Light. The pang in my stomach was back and the words I’d said to him in the lab. I wasn’t really ( here ) for his ( rescue ) of me. But I’d been told everything he went through to make it happen. But I still couldn’t find the words to say ( thank you ).
How do you thank someone for stopping your zombie mind controlled body from trying to kill itself? Taking another sip of the wine I roll my eyes at him. He had a way of getting under my skin, and I hated that I reacted to it.
“Well why don’t you think of it as my Wake?” I tap the side of my head. “It’s going to happen, so may as well go out with a bang.” That wasn’t meant to sound as dark as it came out. And yet it was true. Holding the glass out towards him.
“It’s only fruit juice Murphy, may as well top me up. Who knows you may get a joke and a laugh out of it all” There was not way I’d get drunk, but hell if I’d miss out on another glass out of fear of losing myself. My mind was going as it was, what was the work that could happen? I thought.
John
I completely froze; I’d tried this whole time to push the fact that Raven probably wouldn’t survive this out of my mind. But when I’d brought it up with Abby she hadn’t denied it. I set the wine glass down and fiddled with the stem for a few seconds. I took a silent breath and set my face to my normal un-shockable expression and look up at her, before sweeping my eyes up to find her face, she was unreadable. “C’mon Reyes, once we get this Nightblood therapy out Abby will find a way to fix you. With the junk in that lab there’s bound to be something she can do.”
I couldn’t wrap my mind around Raven dying, she was even harder to kill than me, and she didn’t deserve it. Everything awful that had happened to her happened while she was trying to save someone else… or everyone else. Saving Bellamy from me got her shot… by me. The whole Finn thing… ‘Fuck.’ That was me too. I should’ve put a bullet in his leg to stop him. I shook my head to clear the memory of the massacre. I’d heard about her getting sliced up by the Grounder Princess and the all the shit in between, so much pain and horror… now this. Part of this was my fault too. I had the chance to kill the bitch in the red dress before she even got off the island. ‘You should’ve thrown Jaha to the sea monster when you had a chance, John.’ I thought
Every decision I made, whether it was for revenge, survival or some stupid, momentary belief I could be the good guy… they all ended the same way. Someone else paid the price and I survived. Raven had paid more than anyone. My voice wasn’t my voice; my face wasn’t impassive, not anymore.
“You’re a survivor, Raven Reyes.”
I wasn’t convinced that whatever was going on inside her head was survivable, and it rocked me to my core.
Raven
“Said the Cockroach to the Raven.” Bringing the glass of wine up to my lips and taking a drink from it. I knew he was trying to be nice, but it just felt out of place. As if he was all of a sudden pitying me. And I wasn’t about that.
“Talk about putting a downer on the party huh?” Leaning back on the stool I take a look over at Luna who hadn’t seemed to moved. “She’s out for the count by the looks of it.” I change the subject. There was no point in worrying about my brain, not when all I wanted was to survive long enough to get Abby up and then back down here again. Slipping off the stool I walk over to him. Only stopping when I was up by his side. Standing really close I tilted my head to the side. My wet hair falling over my back as my eyes glance over his face.
“John Fucking Murphy. Are you worried about me?” Half laughing my hands slip around the neck of the bottle of wine sat beside him. And I step away walking out to the large ceiling to floor glass doors.
“Can you make sure the drones don’t kill me for sitting by the swimming pool? I feel like looking at the stars.” Unlocking the door and pushing them open before stepping out into the night air. It had been so long since I’d given myself some time ( off ). And I wasn’t going to spend it sat on a kitchen island talking about how I could or couldn’t be ( saved ).
Stepping out of my shoes, I place the wine glass and bottle to the side before rolling up my pants and slowing lowering myself to sit on the edge of the pool. My toes playing with the water, before I slipped my feet into it.
John
I followed her eyes to Luna, I was going to have to wake her up she couldn’t wait until the morning to eat. I didn’t get a chance to express the thought before she was right beside me, her tone completely changed. Then there it was, I wasn’t John anymore, I was ‘John Fucking Murphy’ again, with the flip of a switch I kept my eyes forward, I didn’t want to see the look in her eyes.
She was half way to the door when I say “Would that be such a bad thing?” I heave myself off the stool and tap the panel on the wall setting the drones to the outer circle of the map of the estate and punch in the code. I watch her dip her feet into the pool and decide to leave her alone for a while.
I serve up a bowl of the still hot soup and take it to Luna and shake her gently. She protested. “Abby said you really need to eat something. Then I’ll leave you alone I swear.” The warrior looked the furthest thing from one right now, as she struggled to sit up. I adjusted the pillow she had been laying on to support her upright position and held the bowl out to her. Shaking hands wrap around it and she lifts the spoon; toppling the contents into her lap. “Seriously.” I sigh, and she tries again. I crouch in front of her and take the bowl and spoon back. “Stop, I’ll do it.”
I don’t know how long it took me to spoon feed the grown woman like a small child but; as the bowl drained she got more and more exhausted, until she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore and I lay her back down just like I did the first time. "Thank you, John." Luna whispered, her hand landing clumsily on my shoulder, before she passed out again.
I went to check on Raven, remembering how stupid it was to leave a girl that had seizures next to a swimming pool alone. I pulled a bottle of wine from the fridge, white this time, uncorked it, and made my way outside as quietly as I could, taking a seat on one of the patio seats furthest from her not wanting to disturb what were likely her final hours. I took a long drink straight from the bottle and just watched.
Raven
Pouring the last of the wine from the bottle, I lay myself down on the edge of the pool, my feet kicking the water as I look up at the sky.
I know I was planning to take the night off, but I couldn’t help how my mind started to run the landing simulation once again. I run in over and over again in my mind and each time I find myself successful, only because I was replaying it from my memories from earlier.
I knew I’ need to get myself back to the lab early in the morning to retest the breakthrough I’d had with the help for the others. It wasn’t until I saw as shooting start fall over the sky, did I stop to look at the clear night above me.
The Constellations where visible. And I started looking for them. “Aries, it looks like a ram, not that we’ve ever seen one.” I scoff to myself “Scutum the Shield right there” My arm outstretched as I point towards it. “And there you are Taurus the bull of the sky. And Volans the fish there you are.”
I had no idea at what point he came out to join me, but out of nowhere it felt as if I was being watched. Turning my head to the side I saw him sitting as far away from me as he could. “Is it because you think I’ll bite you Murphy, or is it you think you can spy on me better from that far back?”
I turned my eyes back up to the sky and started to look for Sagitta the Arrow and laugh when I manged to find it.
“Do you ever wonder what our lives would have been like if people didn’t have to leave the earth? If the Bitch in the Red dress didn’t try to kill everyone over a hundred years ago?
Would we all have ever met? And If we did meet would well be the way me are now?
Would we be better or worst people?”
So many questions were going through my mind, and I didn’t know if he even cared enough to listen to my babbling on.
John
I drop my head and sigh, the bottle scrapes on the patio slabs as I lift it, get myself to my feet and move to the edge of the pool. “I was trying to give you some space. “I’m still sporting the wounds and bruises from our last encounter.” With another sigh of effort I sit cross-legged next to her. I wasn’t really a dip-my-feet-in-the-water kind of guy. I bring the bottle to my lips tilting it, and my head completely back, bubbles of air rising into the bottle as I drained much more than a mouthful. I hadn’t drunk nearly enough of the stuff to deal with the heavy question.
“No.” I scoff. “We wouldn’t have been born.”
A voice in my head whispered. ‘Wouldn’t that be nice?’
“None of our parents, grandparents or their parents would’ve even met if it wasn’t for the Ark.”
I follow her gaze to the stars, wondering if she saw something other than billions of balls of gas burning out in the ether of space, I take another long drink and star into the pool.
“I had a chance to stop her, you know?” I admit, but I had no idea why. She blamed me, for so much already. Why would I give her more ammunition? Maybe I was just a sucker for punishment? Maybe looking for a little redemption? But if that was what I was after I’d be telling all of this to post-Pike Bellamy, not Raven. Sucker for punishment it was.
“Before Jaha left the island I had the backpack in my hand… and I just-” I sighed, lifted a closed fist and unfurled my fingers like I was dropping something into the pool. Again I lifted the bottle, but only a small mouthful flowed out before it ran dry. “Huh.” I look perplexed at the bottle; that had been almost full only moments prior.
Raven
“Well, look who just went all dark arse on my now. And looking for an apology too?” Turning my head to get a better look at him sat next to me. My half full glass of wine resting on my chest with only two fingers holding it and twisting it back and forth. As the words play over on replay in my head.
“I don’t know what happens to me sometimes now Murphy. I cannot control the feeling that grow within me, they come out of nowhere and consume my being and I don’t think I can breathe. It feels like I’m going to suffocate. The only way out from that drowning pool inside of me is the outbursts, and then the reject that follows.” The words were pouring out of me without stopping, I couldn’t even tell you if I wanted to say them, if it was my mind breaking down that let them flow or if it was just the right thing to do.
“I am sorry Murphy, for what I said, for hitting you and for not acknowledging the part you played in me working out how to bring Abby back.” Still playing with the glass in my hand. There was never going to be an action replay of those words.
“So, you don’t believe somehow, somewhere out there, there was the smallest of chances that people would have met despite not being on the Ark. And some of the people who are here today would still be walking this earth?” I had no idea why my mind was so stuck on this idea, but there was a part of me I guess that hoped that if Becca hadn’t created the Bitch in red, we all would have gone a change to be happier. Moving my glance back up to the sky I listened to him, he sat next to me taking the blame on himself for the City of Light and the Bitch in the Red dress. Closing my eyes, I shook my head from side to side.
“That’s not on you Murphy, I had a change to shut her down too. But instead.” I swallow down the memoires. “Instead. I got myself sucked in. You saw past Jaha, and his sales pitch. Unlike me.” He’d messed up (A LOT ) over the years. But this. This wasn’t on him.
John
I shook my head. “You don’t need to apologise, Raven. If I had to take a few blows so you could get it out of your system and figure this shit out it was worth it.” I glance at her; smiling slightly at her words. “Geez… Raven Reyes, closet romantic.” I jest, but the words bring a genuine smile to my face. I shake my head. “No… those stations were from all over the globe, once their tours were over they would’ve gone back home and lived their lives and just killed the planet more slowly than the digital devil did.”
I remembered watching the films of what the pre-bomb grounders did to the earth. “This was always going to happen. Nuclear bombs were just the most brutal end.”
I wrinkle up my nose, my hand still wrapped tightly around the neck of the empty bottle. Raven had more reason than any of them to swallow that damned chip. “I knew what she was.” And something else occurred to me. “Maybe if I’d gone back to Arkadia once I got off the island… Told Abby what it was. She could have stopped him passing out the keys.”
I gritted my teeth; I had so many chances to do things differently. “But then… the radiation. That was coming no matter what, hell without A.L.I.E. we might not have found out until it was too late.” I looked up at her and didn’t say ‘If I’d made one right decision, maybe your brain wouldn’t be about to liquefy inside your skull.’
“I’m sorry this happened to you Raven. If any of us deserve to survive this, it’s you.” My head turned towards her as I spoke, but I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye.
Raven
Moving to sit up now as I listened to him speaking. I wanted to punch him for spoiling my little dream world of ( What if ). But I stopped myself in time. I’d done enough damage to him for one day. I really didn’t need to add to it any more right now.
“Murphy, I love a great game of ( What If ) as much as the next person, but you can’t keep holding on to it right now. Once Abby has the night blood in place and we make it to the other side of to the second Primfire. Then you can sit your arse down and start working out what you should have stopped and when.” I said ( we ) but I knew better than anything I’d not be there to see it all happen. Holding out my still half full glass of wine towards him, he clearly needed it more than I did. I never had seen this side of John Murphy. I’d always just thought of him as.
Well. A. Cockroach. Only out for number one. Me, Myself and I. I never thought he was capable of self-reflection so in-depth. But it was the last of his words that shook me. My eyes moved from the water before me to the man sat next to me now. “You have nothing to be sorry about Murphy. You didn’t do anything. It’s just how life turned out for me.” A soft chuckle escapes my chest.
“I just wish I’d gotten one more spacewalk in before it was time to..” Not saying the words but actions out a noose around the neck being pulled. My eyes moving back to the water, my good foot moving back and forth in it. The other just resting freely with the water helping with the pain.” Turning my head to look back at him again.
“Never thought we would be grateful for something A.L.L.I.E told us right? You know what. There was a small part of my that really hoped she was lying, that all of this wasn’t necessary. That maybe for once, we could have say six months to rebuild life without someone or something trying to kill us.” I closed my eyes, my hand shooting up to my right eyes socket with the sharp pain digging into my brain. It felt as if someone had taken as knife and plunged it in.
“Shit!” I moan trying not to scream.
John
I heard everything she said and let it sink in, it didn’t change anything. This was probably her impending death talking. Once this was done and we started trying to survive the aftermath of this; I’d be right back where I always was. The supposedly pardoned criminal, treated like dirt, with nothing to offer. I shook it off. I’d survive. I always did.
“At least you’ll be in Zero-G soon, right? That’s close.” Even I knew that zero gravity in a pod couldn’t be as much of a thrill as being out in space with just a suit between you and it. I take the glass and look at the empty bottle now sitting precariously close to the edge of the pool and wonder if a full bottle was too much for one night, and set it aside after taking only a small sip.
Her next words sank in and I thought that maybe not knowing would be better. If people just started to rebuild and plan for life after A.L.I.E. a few weeks of peace before the black rain and radiation started wiping us out and it was too late to do anything other than tap out. But I remembered the way Adria died in Arkadia, and I crushed the thought down along with the rest of my repressed shit.
I hear her curse before noticing her hand pressed against her eyes, and I was on my knees, my hands gripping her shoulders, I didn’t need her seizing and tumbling into the pool. “Raven, breathe. What’s going on in there?” My eyes find the radio sat on the sun lounger across the patio, and I can clearly picture the seizure kit on the kitchen island.
‘Fucking idiot, John!’ The voice in my head berated me.
Raven
“Stop Murphy, just stop!” I called out to him. I could feel him going into a spiral around him, and I was positive if something did happen to me in this moment right here. He would blame himself for it too. Holding my hand up I kept my eyes closed waiting for the pain to subside.
The attacks had been getting longer and longer. Hitting me harder and harder. Not that I’d told anyone of that. The last thing I needed right now was for Abby to do her Doctor thing and side-line me. But then again, I had the feeling she knew I wasn’t her only ticket of this rock. I felt him holding me back, bro I felt my body wanted to fall forward into the pool.
More than just a headache I’d be drowning at the same time too. “Murphy it’s nothing, just a little headache” I downplay it, not wanting him to run and tell Abby of this attack. “It will pass soon I’m sure. Just give me a minute or two.”
I try to look up at his kneeling next to me, but I could only feel him and not see him just yet. Taking short deep breaths of air into my lungs hoping the wind wouldn’t get knocked out of me or I wouldn’t faint in front of him to witness.
John
I didn’t call her out on her lie, her knuckles were white under the intensity with which she gripped her face. The pain was etched in her features. I kept a hold of her shoulders, her feet were still in the water and it wouldn’t take much for her to fall in. It didn’t seem like a seizure, her body was tense but relatively still. I let a few moments pass before I said anything else.
“You’re okay.” I lied, but what was I going to say. ‘Hey you’re not dead yet!’
“Just take some deep breaths.” I let her /little headache/ remarks stand as truth, and I repeat her words. “It will pass.”
A few more moments tick by before I dare to speak. “Do you think you can stand? Maybe some sleep will help.” I know this will get me screamed at but it needed to be said. Abby had put the task to me of trying to help Raven survive until the rocket fuel got here and they could get up into space and solve this thing, for most of us anyway, and there were a few reasons I wanted to succeed at this other than my own survival instinct.
Raven
“Just STOP Murphy. Don’t worry I’m not planning on dying just yet. I’ll get Abby up there” Point my finger to the sky.
“You will be fine.” I knew he was trying to ( help ), but for the life of me I couldn’t get why? He didn’t ( Like ) me. He didn’t really care for me. What the hell was going on here? Shrugging myself free, the first chance I got and managing to open my eyes I frowned at him
“Why do you always think you can tell me what to do? Where to go? What Not to do? The Fuck Murphy?” I knew want was happening, I know I was being overtaken by the darkness once again. My anger levels were growing with in me, to the point my hand was fisted so tight that I could feel my nails digging into my skin.
“I Don’t want to ( Stand ); I don’t want to move. I just want my Fucking brain not to implode on me tonight, can you help me with that? Can YOU?” My anger was about to push out of me on ( DEFCON 5 ) level explosion. My eyes changed from the anger that was pulsing from it, into pleading eyes in pain.
“What was Luna saying in the lab? What was the line she was saying?” I kept asking his as I looked away from him and try to recall the words that had helped me so much to find myself again. “
Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” ( I give myself, to the miracle, of the sea ). That was it! My hands moved over to Murphy and I held onto him as I repeated it again and again.
“Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” ( I give myself, to the miracle, of the sea ), hoping it will work now without her whispering in my ear. A small whisper of a voice in my head saying
“Don’t be a bitch, he is worried. Look at him. He is only trying to help. But I didn’t know why I kept losing my temper at him. He seems to be there every time my darkness had grown within me. And he got hit with the aftermath. I knew it wasn’t right. But Hell, if I could stop it. Then out of nowhere, for some reason I found comfort in his words
“It will pass” Repeating it to myself in a whisper.
John
I let her scream at me, the pain was so clearly evident on her face that I knew it wasn’t her talking. Her words were tame compared to the things she’d yelled at me in the lab. I was stunned when she reached out to me; after shrugging me off of her. She must have been in extreme pain to look to me for support. I sit back onto my heels and hold onto her arms, exaggerating my breathing like Luna had. “Ai giv ai op.” (I give myself) I take a breath, I tried to hold her gaze but she wasn’t focusing. “Gon nemiyon.” (to the miracle) Another loud breath, hoping she’d copy me. “Kom lanik-de.” (of the sea)
“Keep breathing, Raven.” I was whispering and I repeat Luna’s magic words with her again. “Just look up.” Spacewalking was her peace; the closest thing she could get right now was looking at the star. “Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de.” The zen-masters tones sounded foreign in my voice, but I thought I felt her relax. The pain was engraved in her face and her eyes, she was wilting under the pressure of it all. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t surrender and sleep. “It’s passing.”
She was willing to give everything… suffer and die just to save the rest of us. People she cared about, people she’d never met and people she hated, but all it was doing was killing her faster. My mouth went dry as I watched her struggle to recover, these thoughts rattling around in my wine soaked brain.
Raven
As the pain started to subside, I found myself lifting my head to face the sky again. Before Murphy had come out, I was lost in my mind looking up at the stars. It helped to keep me grounded and level, hens I didn’t need to overthink and did as he said. Looking up in a blur the pain still pulsing behind my eye making it hard for me to focus on anything else. But his voice is there just as Luna’s had been. I wasn’t sure how it worked but hearing voices that weren’t in my head brought me back from falling off the edge of this hell of mine. Closing my eyes, I took three or four breaths of air in.
“I’m okay Murphy, it’s passed.” Slowly opening my eyes once more I turned to look at him. He really was worried, and I could see fear in his eyes too.
My glance dropped down to see I was holding his hand and squeezing it until his knuckles were turning white just as mine had. Letting his hand go I dropped mine to the side to rest on the ground. I’d done it once again, once again he’d seen me weak, scared and in pain. Wiping my tears from my face with the back of my hand as I turn to look away from him. The more I wanted to hide this from them, the less my body was allowing me my dignity.
“I think you were right; I should go and try to get some rest.” I slowly picked myself up off the edge of the pool. Picking up my shoes in my hands as my feet were wet. Once again, I found myself stood looking down at him. And once again I had to say.
“I’m sorry for shouting at you. Thank you for being here and stopping me from drowning in the pool” I was drained, my body felt like it was dead weight as I started to walk back into the house needing to put my head down on a pillow before I clasped where I stood.
John
I wanted to tell her to stop apologizing, but I didn’t. I wanted to help her up, but I didn’t. I wanted to help her get into the house and finally rest… but what would be the point? She was calmer now, so her response to any efforts would be confined to a snappy insult, likely one I’ve heard so much it had no punch left. I could tell she was done screaming.
I watched her struggle under the weight of her exhaustion, dragging the burden of her damaged leg. Her limp was more pronounced than hand been in months. I could see the physical strain walking put on her.
I saw her fade and still tilting forward a little, I couldn’t just let her collapse. I jumped to my feet and went her, putting my arm around her waist taking some of her weight against my side. If I gave her the choice she’d tell me to shove it.
I said nothing, that way she’d have less to protest about.
Raven
“One step at a time Raven” I told myself. “Just one step, don’t think about the others. Just ONE step” My mind and body hadn’t stopped in days now, so I shouldn’t be surprised that when I did stop to ( Smell the roses ) if you may.
My body was ready to shut down and take the time it needed to try and heal. Little did this stupid body of mine know, there was no point to it at all. I didn’t know if it was the exhaustion or my mind melting away that made me feel like I was on a roller-coaster ride which had no plans to stop.
Pushing the larger glass door open I stepped back into the house, part of me saying forget about making it to the room and just to claps next to Luna who was once again fast asleep on the couch. And then I reminded myself
“You still have work to do. You need to be up in the room.” Before I could think to much into it, I felt his arm slipping around my waist, he moved himself in closer and with his hip he took on the weight my one good leg was taking all on its own up to now.
“What are you doing Murphy? I’m fine, I can make it up there alone.” I didn’t have it in me to shout or scream at him. Hell. I didn’t have it in me to take another step, but I wasn’t going to give up on something so simple as going to sleep.
“Let me go Murphy, I don’t need help!” I did need help, but I didn’t want anyone let alone Murphy to see me as a burden. Because right now, that’s exactly what I was to them. By the time I pushed the door of my room open. My eyes were heavy, my body felt like dead weight the whole time, but my brain was ready to go again.
“Computer turn on the Lab screens and show me the radiation deduction software updates form today and the forecast for the next 7 days in VHDL.” The robotic voice acknowledges the request, and on the far wall in Becca’s room the flap opens in the ceiling and an 80” glass vision screen starts to descend. As it came into its correct place the screen flashed, and the data started to fill the split screen with what I’d asked of it.
“One good thing about still having part of the Bitch in my head I guess.” I whispered to myself, but I knew he could hear me too.
John
“There’s nothing wrong with accepting a little help, Raven.” It was exasperating, we all knew she was stubborn. But this was ridiculous, I let her go and grabbed the seizure kit as we passed through the kitchen, tucking it under my arm, before returning to shadow her closely enough to catch her if… or when she collapsed.
I planned to only go inside and leave the kit and radio nearby in case it was needed but when I heard her call to wake up the computer system… I couldn’t believe it. “No way, Reyes.” I stated matter-of-factly. “You can hardly stand; you can’t even keep your eyes open.”
I watched her seethe for a moment. “I don’t care if you’re going to scream at me or hit me again. You need to rest or I’ll get Abby up here to sedate your ass!” I held the radio threateningly, there were reaper sticks in the kit but, the idea of using one on her against her will - when she wasn’t mind controlled my a sociopathic computer program - seemed like a step too far even for me.
“Computer, close the monitors.” Radio still in hand I waited for her wrath, whatever she had to throw at me next I could could. But Raven was not going to die in my watch. I wouldn’t… couldn’t let that happen.
Raven
I looked over my shoulder back towards him. I didn’t see him coming in behind me. I didn’t think he had the balls to actually act in the way he was right now. I mean the last time he shit talked me; I gave him a cracked lip. And Sure, it wasn’t my best moment, and I did apologise for my actions and words. But fuck right now I wished I’d hit him harder, and I’d kept my apologies to myself.
“Don’t be a Bitch Murphy, you wouldn’t dare go running to Abby for something so stupid?” I couldn’t believe he was stood there in my room (for now ) with the radio in hand as a threat.
“I mean How Old Are You? You think you are going to go tell on me?” I was astounded by what I was witnessing here. John Murphy, the biggest rule breaker of the lot of us was all of a sudden ready to be the tattletale?
“Computer, Screen on, Data Up” I called out and moved to sit down on the bed. He may be getting on my last nerve, but he did have a point. I didn’t have it in me to keep standing or keep my eyes open. Then again, I was never going to admit to it. Not in front of ( Mr Know It ALL ) here. I half laughed and it wasn’t a ( You are funny laugh ), more a (Are you for Real ) laughter.
“I mean what are you going to do. Use the Reaper stick on me again? Because if you do Murphy, I can promise you one thing, when I come back around. Which you and I both know Will come to passing. I will Kick Your Arse with my one good Leg and It will HURT!” The expression on my face letting him know, I wasn’t joking, and I would see my promise through to the end.
John
“Fucking hell!” I screamed. “Stop! Raven, just fucking stop!” I stood between her and the screens. She was completely oblivious to the fact that she was only human. She was so preoccupied with saving everyone else; only to offer herself up as a sacrificial lamb.
“If you keep going like this Raven you’ll die before the fuel even gets here! Then what?” I was still screaming. “Then you’ve fucking tortured yourself for nothing! Everyone dies… Game over!” I stopped to take a breath. “Is it me you’re fighting? Because, then you need to get the hell over it! Look around Raven; there’s no one else here. I’ll even sweeten the deal for you, if you stop this fucking pissing contest you’re having with the dead A.I. in your head I won’t take your damn nightblood cure.” I was panting for breath now; I reached out and took her by her upper arms locking my elbows to keep her out of striking distance. “Who is it you actually care about Raven, hmm? Abby? Clarke and Bellamy? You and Monty have your super nerd thing going on. Harper? Octavia?” I paused again.
“You ready to let them all die, Reyes? Because you’re to fucking stubborn to listen to me?” I let go of her and walked a few steps away. “Shit! It’s not even me…. This as all Abby. This is what /she/ asked /me/ to do? Because there’s nobody else here! All those people that you care about… where are they? In Arkadia waiting to die. In Polis fighting for a bunker that will save twelve hundred people.” A dark chuckle fills the space between her and I drag my hand through my hair pulling it taut against my scalp. “You ready to let all of them die because you don’t like the idea of me telling you what you should do? You saw how those grounders went… that little girl, is that what you want for the people you love?”
“You could save them all, if you don’t kill yourself first.” I was quieter, and completely drained. “Make up your bloody mind, Raven. Or get on that radio and get one of your real friends out here to be your new punching bag… because I can’t stand here and just watch the third act of the Raven Reyes suicide show.” My voice wavered and I averted my eyes, I took her hand and turned it over, pressing the radio into her palm and closing her fingers around it, the flash of the still-fresh scar on her wrist driving my point home and stabbing me in the side simultaneously.
She could call me weak, or selfish I didn’t even care anymore. I was exhausted; my throat was scraped raw from screaming. I moved across the room and leaned on the first surface I came across with my back to her and tried to catch my breath. The words I’d thrown at her replaying all at once in my head.
Raven
For someone who’s words flowed hundred miles per minute. Who had an answer for everything and anything the day could throw at me? I sat still; my eyes widen to the point I wasn’t sure if I could ever close them again.
My jaw had fallen open and I couldn’t remember how to shut it. I try to think, but I couldn’t. I wanted to recall if I’d ever heard John talk no ( SHOUT ) at someone like this before? And I was coming up blank. His words hit hard. In my heart and in my mind too. Each point he made wasn’t a lie. But there were some facts out of place. But it wasn’t as if I was planning on correcting him on them after what had just happened.
Looking around to the side table I saw a bottle of water. My eyes falling to my hands at the radio he placed in there, the one I had no intention of using. Putting it down on the bed I slowly lifted myself back up to go and grab the water. Making my way over to stand beside him.
My eyes on the bottle in my hand, playing with label before I hold it out to him. I didn’t dare say anything at first, my gaze moving up from my hand to his face and I saw the redness on his cheeks, the fear or pain in his eyes. The emotion in his words. All those words replaying on a loop “Suicide show”.
“Is it me you’re fighting?” It wasn’t easy to be shown a mirror on your actions and seeing the hurt you are causing someone else. My lips parted but there were no words to follow. Making me close my eyes as I try to find them within me.
“I don’t know why I am the way I am. I don’t know why I keep stepping up to do the things I do. I don’t even know why you would want to be here after the way I treat you. And I know you said there is nobody else here to babysit me.
But John, you don’t have to care as much as you are for someone you hate.” My free hand moved up to touch his arm to get his attention and to make him look at me. “The truth is Murphy; you are the only one here who makes me want to do better. Even if it is to prove you wrong. It’s still a drive I need to push myself forward.” I didn’t know why I was telling him this. I’d never even told myself it before. Murphy and I were just the way we were; it didn’t need to be explained.
“I don’t know why you think I’d want you to die. I’m not just doing this for a small group of people. Of which ( Yes ), they are my friends, but you are in that group too. I don’t know why you would thing that I don’t want you to have the night blood cure. You may not have always done the right thing, and we may not have always seen eye to eye.
But John Murphy, you are a part of this Fucked up family as much as I am. And I don’t leave any family behind. Even the ones who piss me off ten times a day. You aren’t just here because you have no choice, if that was the case, you’d be downstairs drinking wine not giving a shit if I made it up here. So, I call Bullshit on the way you act like you don’t care. Someone who doesn’t care doesn’t go off on someone who is ( Fucking Stubborn )” I repeat his words back to him.
“I’ll do as you say. I will sleep and rest. But I don’t want to close my eyes John, I don’t know if I will open them again.” Another fear I’d let slip from my mouth without wanting it to. I had to blame the need for sleep now.
John
My eyes were still wide and I was struggling in a strange haze of emotion and exhaustion, when I caught the flicker of movement beside me. Confusion flooded my features; I don’t know if it was the expression on her face or the bottle she was offering me that mystified me more. I took the water and drank, my throat was instantly soothed. I’d expected something heavy thrown at the back of my head, not this.
I knew she wasn’t only doing this for the people she loved; I just wanted to drive home my point. Make it personal, and take her out of her overly analytical head. I brought the bottle back to my lips when she referred to me as a friend… then family. I was nobody’s family, Jaha made sure of that. But I didn’t have the fight left to contradict her, I didn’t want to. I was drained.
“I never said I didn’t care, Raven. I don’t want to stand around and watch you die /because/ I care. I’m here because taking you out of that med bay was the only thing I ever did, that I didn’t manage to fuck up. I’m here because Abby actually thinks I have something valuable to offer.” I didn’t say that nobody ever saw any value in me, not the way the Doc did. “You’re the last person out of every one of Skaikru that deserves what’s happening to you. But if you’re going to go out… it’s going to be on a win. Because you’ve earned it, and that’s why I’m here, to make sure you get it.”
I walked over to the bed and pulled the clasps on the kit Abby had packed, flipped it open and pulled out the flat machine, more advanced than it looked, several wires coming from one side of it. I dropped it onto the bed for her to examine. “That’s what this is for. It monitors your heart; if you start to seize or…” I trailed off. I couldn’t say the word stroke, because that was game over. “It’ll let me know, Abby taught me what to do and I can get her here if I have to. It’s not your time… not yet.”
Raven
“When my time comes Murphy, I’m going out on a blaze of glory. And the explosion will be seen for miles.” I didn’t believe it, but it was a nice image to die with. Knowing you went out of this life with a bang. Leaning back on the wall to support me I watched him, listening to him for once. I took in the way he looked. I couldn’t help my mind from drifting. To how we all ended up here, to why I told him we were ( family ).I really did believe us all to be a dysfunctional family.
We were not blood, we have no kin between us. But this life and our circumstances had brought us all together like a bad joke which never quite made it to the punchline before we were booed off stage. We all had our strengths and our weakness; we had the drunk cousins and the uncles who always talked shit. We had the fuck ups in the family, and the ones who always knew ( Better ).
We had the stupid ones and the brave hearts too. No matter from which angle you looked at us. Skaikru was a big fat dysfunctional family that wasn’t going to make it if even one person gave up the fight. I understood what he was saying, I knew better, but my head and heart were pulling in two different directions. Him talking about taking me ( No Saving me ) from the med bay in Arkadia, made me pull the sleeves of my shirt down. If I could help it, I didn’t look at the scars.
They were a stark reminder of a time I had lost myself. I’d willingly given myself over to A.L.I.E and I was willing to die for something I didn’t even believe in. I didn’t have the want to fight him anymore, our outburst was clearly enough to drain us both, I could see it on his face, and I was sure if I looked in the mirror my face would be reading the same story too.
“I know what that is Murphy.” Making my way slowly towards the bed and the Electrocardiogram machine he had pulled out.
“And I’m guessing you want me to connect myself to it now?” I knew it was a stupid question, of course he wanted to connect me to it. If my heart stopped in my sleep the alarm would scream out a warning to say I needed help, or to tell them I was gone. Sitting myself down on the bed I took the wires one by one with the tabs from the kit and started to attach then to my ankle over my pulse, my chest over my heart, the side of my body to cover the side of my heart, and I held up the last one towards him.
“Can you attach this one on my back just above where my heart is?”
John
When I saw her push up her sleeves I refused to falter at the sight of the scars. She was still standing… well leaning. I’m not sure why it shocked me that she knew exactly where to place the pads. Abby made me do it to Jackson twice. But I let her do it herself, it was hard enough to get her to accept the simple advice of ‘Go to sleep!’ We knew she was dying. I know I’d said otherwise earlier, but that was a whole other approach to get her to slow the hell down. The fact that this one worked better was just further proof of ‘The truth will set you free.’
Karma, right? I shot her… Saved her. And now I had to watch her die; someone else paying for my sins, as always. But this sank into my bones and I couldn’t shake the feeling off with snide comments and moonshine.
I stood by the bed and took the last piece of the morbid puzzle. “Believe it or not… I know what I’m doing with this thing too.” But a small chuckle passes over my lips with the words, feeling lighter for a split second. When I lifted the back of her first another thin long scar caught my eye, from the grounder bitch slicing her up in TonDC… maybe? I wasn’t sure. The surgical scar on the base of her spine, I shuddered and my eyes stung. ‘Fuck!’ The screams ripped through my brain. I was sitting in that cell tied up with the guy I’d tried to kill less than a day earlier; while Abby operated on the still conscious girl I had shot in order to complete my revenge.
I’d kept my façade up; I’d kept Bellamy from seeing anything other than the ‘murdering sociopath’, as Raven had so elegantly put it at the time; while I implored with non-existent deities, whose names I could remember to please let her pass out. Letting out a rattling breath, I fixed the cold, sticky pad to the right spot, and tugged her shirt back over the mass of wires now standing out starkly against her slight frame.
“I’m sorry, Raven.” The rattling was seeping into my voice now. “I’m sorry, for doing this to you.”
Raven
“There is a first for everything. Just get it right or you’ll be the one running in here when it tells you I’m dead. And I’ll just be asleep.” I couldn’t help myself, every time he said something, I was made to roll my eyes of have a clap back ready to go. It was like my lungs need air, and I need to clap back at Murphy. There was no other way around it. Even when I was really trying hard to be kind and nice.
Closing my eyes, I allowed my head to fall forward. Pushing my hair to the side to keep it out of his way. I never really let anyone see my back, or any part of my body that was covered in scars. But it’s not like I had a choice here.
The sound of his voice saying ( Fuck ) made me look up, not turning as I could tell he wasn’t done yet. I caught sight of him in the mirror on the wall across from us. His eyes were wide, and he was transfixed. Without seeing it myself, I knew just where his eyes were sat and what he was looking at. It made my body go rigid; my glance fixed on his reflection in the mirror.
I didn’t dare move or say anything. It wasn’t until he had placed the final tab and wire in its place did, I dare to allow myself to take a breath again. I’d not even realised I had held it until my lungs cried out for air.
I didn’t expect to hear the words he had said ( I’m sorry, I’m sorry for doing this to you. ) Turning around to now face him, my eyes fell to my leg being held in place by the leg brace. My glance moving back up to his face, I tilted my head to the side a little, trying to read his expression.
“You have nothing at all to be sorry about Murphy, I’ve told you that before. This is not your fault.” My hand moving without thinking about it to my leg. “I can deal with losing my leg. But-“ My hands moving up to my temple. “Losing my mind, that’s a completely different thing-” I felt the tears I didn’t even know had started to flow falling down my cheeks. I couldn’t finish off my thought, because it scared me too much to think what would become of Raven Reyes when her mind was no more.
John
There was a hard lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow, the tears that streaked down her cheeks stung my eyes and I felt them start to swim too. I took her by her elbow gently, certain that she wouldn’t hit me now. I couldn’t speak. What do you say to something like that?
The words “You have nothing at all to be sorry about-“ How wrong she was. Was that her way of forgiving me for shooting her? Because there couldn’t be redemption for that; if she hadn’t been in so much pain after Mount Weather, she never would’ve taken the chip…
‘Fuck!’ I thought, ‘Just fucking stop it, John.’
I guided her around to the side of the bed, reaching around her to pass the machine behind her back so she wouldn’t be lying on the mess of wires, and set it on the bedside table. “Just sleep, Raven. You need –“ I sucked a sharp breath through my nose and felt a tear escape despite my best efforts. I wasn’t even the one dying here. “You’ll think clearer in the morning.” My voice still wasn’t my voice and when she sat back on the bed I didn’t think before slipping my hand under her knees and lifting them up onto the bed, like I had with Luna downstairs.
I pulled away quickly and muttered.
“Sorry.” My eyes meeting hers for a second. “Sleep, okay? Nothing is going to happen to you tonight.”
Raven
Not knowing if my words had rung home for him, but they were my truth. I’d said a lot of things to him these last few days, but this now. This was as open book as he was ever going to get from me. I didn’t know if it was the wine, the lack of sleep or just the fact that he was in the right place at the right time.
I couldn’t keep myself on my feet, I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I felt him taking a hold of me by my arms and helping me to the bed. I sat there unsure I even had it in me to move the little I needed to for my head to hit the pillow.
He was helping me to lay me down on the bed, and I saw the look in his eyes. It’d been such a long day, so much had taken place. So much had been done and said between us that I didn’t believe there was anything more left for us to say.
I heard the whisper come from him again ( Sorry ). And it took everything in me, every last ounce of energy left in me to whisper back “Please don’t be.”
I curled myself up into a ball, I didn’t know if I believed when he said tonight wasn’t my time to go. As the soft calls of sleep took me drifting into the darkness, I hoped I’d have another day to open my eyes and have the ability to help my friends.
〄 〄 〄 〄 〄 〄
Not knowing if my words had rung home for him, but they were my truth. I’d said a lot of things to him these last few days, but this now. This was as open book as he was ever going to get from me. I didn’t know if it was the wine, the lack of sleep or just the fact that he was in the right place at the right time.
I couldn’t keep myself on my feet, I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I felt him taking a hold of me by my arms and helping me to the bed. I sat there unsure I even had it in me to move the little I needed to for my head to hit the pillow.
He was helping me to lay me down on the bed, and I saw the look in his eyes. It’d been such a long day, so much had taken place. So much had been done and said between us that I didn’t believe there was anything more left for us to say.
I heard the whisper come from him again ( Sorry ). And It took everything in me, every last ounce of energy left in me to whisper back
“Please don’t be.”
I curled myself up into a ball, I didn’t know if I believed when he said tonight wasn’t my time to go.
As the soft calls of sleep took me drifting into the darkness, I hoped I’d have another day to open my eyes, and have the ability to help my friends.
John
I see her instantly start to drift into sleep, but my eyes fall to the brace on her leg. I leaned over her as quietly as I could, and pulled gently it the clasps; one at a time until each one was undone. I slid my hand under her leg, between her and the metal parts of the brace and lifted it until I could pull the device from under her. I set it on the floor next to the bed and pulled a blanket that was folded at the end of it, over her. Then I plugged the machine into the wall and it flashed to life.
I crossed the room and fell silently into an armchair. I could still make out the numbers and lines on the ECG if I focused; it beeped in a soft rhythm that slowed a little by the minute; until the pattern was unmistakeable and comforting. I tried to sleep, but as I drifted off and the sounds started to fade away I was dragged back suddenly. What had she meant by the last thing she said before she fell asleep?
I was so tired, but sleep kept pulling away from me. Everything Raven, Abby and Luna had said to me today was replaying in my mind. Raven’s loudest of all. Eventually I found myself sitting on the floor with my back to the side of the bed, my head leaning back against the mattress, close to Raven’s feet. It felt like hours before everything went quiet and I wasn’t shaken awake by the silence.