Oso kik thru ogeda.... ( We survive together )

It's all about the War of Their Hearts! #The100 #The100RP #OKTO

[oktorpg]

Welcome to OKTO!

From the land, they were born until there was no way to survive.

To the skies, they looked for a chance for man kind to live.

Until the land called our names, and we had no choice but to answer.

And now we pay for their mistakes once again.

ABOUT US

Welcome to Oso kik thru, ogeda. ( We survive, Together ) We are Twitter based Role-players, building an Alternative Universe ( AU ) in The 100 fandom. This is a world in which the people do not know what a day without fighting for their life would feel. We are a First and/or Second person writers, and due to there being dark themes in our stories as well as mature content, we will not accept minors to follow any of our stories. If there are any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Our Carrd site:

OKTO

OKTO

Find us on BlueSky

ᖇᗩᐯEᑎ ᖇEYES ( ᖇEY ) (@littlebirdrey.bsky.social)

Perfection comes by making mistakes | #Stargazer #ZeroBullshitBallsyBitch #Parody | Home Base: #OsoKikThruOgeda | 25+ | #BlueSkyRP Website:

John Murphy (@tolduidsurvive.bsky.social)

Broken, isn’t the same as unfixable. #Watcher #ReysBitch #Fake #Parody. Oso Kik Thru Ogeda. #the100rp

Our Leaders Are:

ᴀꜰꜰɪʟɪᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴅɪꜱᴄʟᴀɪᴍᴇʀ

ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴡᴇʙꜱɪᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ/ ᴏʀ ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴀꜰꜰɪʟɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀɴʏ ᴘᴜʙʟɪᴄ ꜰɪɢᴜʀᴇ, ᴄᴇʟᴇʙʀɪᴛʏ, ᴏʀ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴᴇᴅ ᴏʀ ᴘɪᴄᴛᴜʀᴇᴅ.

ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴀ ʀᴏʟᴇᴘʟᴀʏ / ꜰᴀᴋᴇ ʟɪꜰᴇ ꜱɪᴛᴇ/ ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ ᴏɴʟʏ.

ɪꜰ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀɴʏ ᴄᴏᴘʏʀɪɢʜᴛꜱ ɪɴꜰʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴꜱ, ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀᴄᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ʀᴇᴍᴏᴠᴇᴅ.

[oktorpg]

Where The Light Takes Us – Book 3 – Chapter 7 - Storyline 12 – Together

ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɢʜᴛ ᴛᴀᴋᴇꜱ ᴜꜱ

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 12

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @littlebirdrey.bsky.social & @tolduidsurvive.bsky.social

       ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜᴘ

            ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: 7 ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

               ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

〄   ❝Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ❞

            -George Bernard Shaw

•— Raven —•

The nightmares have begun to ease their hold on me, if I had to predict the cause of it I wouldn’t. Why you ask? Because that would be giving a certain friend of mine, too much power. And let’s face things, he doesn’t need a bigger head.

Yes. I’m a strong believer in not handing another soul the responsibility to hold such a strength over your head. However, it would be a lie if I didn’t give people the benefit of doubt. And it’s also called turning a new leaf. So, for now. Knowing that my nights have been much calmer since John Murphy and I have found our friendship again, and Luna and I have forgiven ourselves and our sisterhoods. I feel like myself again.

‘Rey. Wait up. Slow down will you!’ The voice makes me turn, my ponytail swishing behind me. Falling over my shoulder as I smile at Monty Green.

“Come on Monty, if you can’t catch up to me, you have more things to be worried about than your breakfast going cold.”

‘Are you kidding? I’d kill for a hot breakfast. Those leftovers from the stew Murphy used to cook us back at home.’ That word… ‘Home’, it made my heart flutter. With pain sure, however the fact that Monty also thought of our time on Becca’s Island as home gave me joy. (Now there is a feeling nobody saw coming this morning.

“Yeah, he spoiled us with his skills in the kitchen. Who knew the man could have us all licking our fingers.”

‘Okay, that sounds so wrong.’ Bellamy hit his shoulder into the side of me as he fell into step.

“That’s what you get for eavesdropping, jackarse.” I teased.

‘Yeah sure, but Green will agree with me, it’s all in the delivery of the line. And you talking about finger licking—’ His smirk and the eyebrow dance made me roll my eyes.  Until the sound of someone coughing, spluttering, and choking stole our attention.

“Lizzy. You, okay?” We all joined her at the table. Bellamy moved around to rub her back while she cleaned her mouth, setting her glass down.

‘Uhmm… Yeah… all… good…’ She coughed some more.

‘It was the fingering talk, wasn’t it.’ Bells teased making her cough again. ‘See, Rey. It’s your dirty mind at work again.’ This got him a punch in his chest over the table.

‘Bellamy… Raven… what is going on here.’ All joking got pushed to the side.

“Nothing, Marcus. Bell’s was just…” I didn’t know how to finish it off.

‘I was just helping the girls here with some questions they had about performance.’ He winked at me and then smirked towards Monty and Lizzy.

‘I don’t even want to know.’ Marcus gave us all a Grown up, look. The one that told you, you are in trouble. But then the little smile that said. Maybe next time.

“That’s the best decision you made this week. Trust me.” I tell him taking my seat setting the rations down before me.

‘Anyway. I’m glad I’ve bumped into you here. I wanted you to know.’ His eyes were on me; however, he stopped to look at the others before speaking. ‘We are looking into the cargo holds. When you are done here, I was hoping you could send me a report of your findings. Just so we can all have the same information to share.’

I sat up a little straighter. “Sure, I can send it now.” I moved to pick up the tablet on my tray. However, Marcus set his hand on my shoulder.

‘Eat first. I’m going to do the same. We can work once we have something in our stomach.’ Nodding to everyone on the table he left to go get his rations. My eyes followed him until Monty’s voice drew me back in.

‘Is that about the… you know… Booms you and Murphy found?’ I nodded my head. ‘What do you think they will do with them?’ He asked Bellamy.

‘Keep them safe until we need them. Or at least that’s the consensus right now. It could help us rebuild when we go back.’ Talking with his mouthful.

“If they know what’s good for them, they will float the majority. Nothing good can come from having so much of it.” I muttered for their ears only.

‘Let me guess, that’s Luna’s way of thinking.’ Bells asked taking a drink of his small glass of water.

“There’s nothing wrong with her way of thinking. You were with me Bells when we took the bridge down. Those people who are dead… Those lives are on my hands.” My fingers fisting as I spoke. He set his glass to the side. Placing his hand over mine.

‘Rey... you saved a lot of lives that day too.’ His eyes locked onto mine, making sure I heard him clearly. ‘There is no good without bad, and we cannot keep the demons away. I know. I see them too. But… There is light. There must be. Otherwise. Why were we tested to such extremes?’ 

I had no answer to his question. Because, sure the darkness had been set back for a while. However, I knew we all had to face them at some point. Right?

•— John —•

‘You can’t still be mad John.’ Emori huffed at me from where she sat on a prep station in the so-called Kitchen of the mess hall. All it was good for now was the storage of freeze-dried rations and the machines used to prepare the nutrient packs.

“I’m not mad,” I said, unconvincingly.

‘You sound mad.’ Jasper said, his lanky body sticking out of the hole in the wall that looked like an air vent but… wasn’t. Something sparked inside and Emori kicked him in the knee. ‘Wear your goggles Hai Skat!’ (Stupid boy) She scolded him.

‘I know what that one means!! Rude!’ Jasper griped but I could tell from the way he shifted he; fixed his goggles. ‘So… why is our boy mad exactly?’

“NOT MAD!!” I yelled over the sound of the machine that recycled the foil that the ration bars were packaged in.

‘Luna took Raven’s bed out of our room and moved it to the grounder dormitories.’ She explained.

I had arrived back at the room I shared with Luna and Emori this morning, to find the space we saved for Rey in case she wanted to join us here; was empty. Nothing left but the radiation-proof duffle that I had gathered up the things she loved most in the mansion. Her reply when I questioned her was that Raven had made her choice, and we needed to respect it. The bed was needed elsewhere. And that I should not have much issue with it considering the little time I spent in the room lately. That comment was enough for me to end the conversation. Afraid that talking about it would bring about the end of it.

That was probably an issue I should work on in therapy… but probably wouldn't. While I was lost in the memory, Jasper and Emori continued their conversation. ‘Doesn’t Rey have her own room with all the parts and tools in it?’ Jaz asked… he knew. I rolled my eyes.

‘Exactly why Luna moved the bed.’ Emori said, like it was that simple. Maybe it should be… but it wasn’t!

 The machine hissed and a hatch popped open, I opened it the rest of the way and pulled out the shiny roll of foil. Not making any comment on what they were saying.

‘Sounds kinda reasonable, Murphy.’ Jasper said as a tool whirred, and another small spark lit up the space his head was crammed into. But the way Jasper didn’t flinch I guessed that spark was expected.

“I’m not mad guys… it's just…” I used the heat sealer and sealed a square of the recycled material, filling it with the nitro used for long-term ration storage and sealing the last edge, creating a little gas-filled square that I then squeezed and tested for any leaks and weaknesses. To make sure the roll was high enough quality to use.

Apparently, this had been a huge issue on the Ark… but that was after ninety-seven years of recycling the same materials, so not a problem I would need to worry about in my lifetime. This batch was fine.

I never finished my sentence. I moved to the next machine on my daily routine and fitted the roll into it. The rest was easier. Line up the rock-hard tasteless blocks and pull the lever and the machine folded the foil around the bar, sucked out the air and heat-sealed the whole thing. I wasn’t sure how… but it worked so I didn’t really care. I grinned… Raven would want to open it up and see how it worked… or… she would already know.

My smile dropped. This was the same as cooking. Even preserving the meat in the smokehouse, we built at the dropship camp was more than this. I repeated the process.

Jasper flailed his legs like a madman as he shuffled his way out of the hole. ‘By golly, ay think ay done it Governor!!’ he said in an accent so ridiculous that a laugh broke through both my mood and the drudgery of the task I was performing.

He fixed the grate back into place, and wires fed through the grate were plugged into a tablet that he had compiled all music files we had been able to find on board the ship, from any Skaikru or Eligius crew devices we had found. ‘Would you like to do the honours?’ He asked. ‘It was your idea after all.’

Before I took the tablet he held out, I checked my own. Scanning for a name. Raven’s rations had been claimed… but was she still here? It wouldn’t be unlike her to take her meal with her and get right to work.

I asked Emori in trig to go and see if Rey was still in the mess. It only took her a moment to call back that she was still out there… with Bellamy and Monty. Blake wouldn’t be impressed; he would see this as a waste of time… but these people deserved more than mere existence. They deserved music! Comfort… even if it wasn’t their language.

I knew the song I wanted to choose when we pulled this off. “Are we ready?” I grinned and asked them.

‘Wait! I wanna see their reactions.’ Jasper rushed out to stand behind the counter that the ration crew and I used to pass out everyone’s meals. I had searched for the song already and when I saw that he was standing in his chosen position I hit play. The music filtered gently through the PA system in the mess hall, and the low hum of conversation started to fade away… it was a little crackly… but it was working! I beamed. “Let there be music!” I winked at Emori.

‘Go on.’ She elbowed me. ‘Get out there and see your plan in action.’

“Not without you.” I held my hand out to her and to my surprise, she took it without argument and let me drag out into the mess hall. Kids were staring at the ceiling, and Skaikru was grinning. But there was only one reaction I wanted, my eyes sought out Raven in the room, finding her in seconds, even in the same jumpsuit as half the people in here… I always found her.

Music: Shawn Mendes - Look Up at The Stars

•— Raven —•

Lizzy got up about to leave to start her day, she gathered her things when I threw a rolled-up wrapper across the table at Bells. He caught it in one hand of course, telling me to do better next time. My witty reply was cut off with the sounds coming from above us.

‘What have you done now Rey?’ Monty and Bells asked together.

“Me?” I frowned. “Why do you assume it’s me, when I’m sat right here with you?” Then we all realised what was happening.

‘Is that music?’ Monty whispered looking around and then I followed his eyes to the three people with glee on their face.

I wasn’t sure what the first reaction was. The smiling, the joy, the knowledge that we hadn’t lost sounds we’d found on the Island, or that I had friends who knew the right time to let it flow. The song made the tension creeping up my spine dissipate in a blink. The soothing melody confusing some of the faces I could see glancing around us, until the music kicked up a gear. Making Bells jump up and round the table.

‘Come on Rey, let’s show them how it’s done.’ He took my hand while I was busy smiling over to Jaz, Emori, and John lifting me from the bench carefully to dance.

“You need to pick a better dance partner Bells, I’m—” He cut me off by slowly dunking me down and then lifting me up. He took gentle steps, movements, taking it at a steady pace, making me laugh. I glanced around to see Monty had taken Lizzy’s hand and they were swaying to the sounds too.

‘Oh, hells… No… I didn’t need to see my brother dancing before my first glass of water in the morning.’ Octavia walked in with her guard following close behind. Indra raising her unimpressed eyebrow at us. 

‘Are you sure, O? I think you just want your big brother to spin you around the dance floor.’ I stepped out of Bellamy’s hold, telling him to go dance with his sister.

‘What dance floor?’ She groaned backing out of the way, but she didn’t fight him when he took her hand and pulled his little sister in closer. Here and now, he was Bellamy, and she was his sister O and nothing else. Nothing required other than to make each person smile.

‘You people have too much time on your hands.’ Indra huffed from beside me. The others watching, some smiling, some frowning trying to comprehend what they were seeing.

“It’s never wrong to make time to appreciate what we have, Indra. Sometimes it’s these moments that give us the strength to carry on… it’s the small wins” Wow… I’d not had a reason to say those words in a small while. And here it was.  

My eyes found John’s baby blues again, and from across the hall I mouthed. “Thank you.” Smiling and lifting my invisible hat to him. Because I knew… He was the brains behind this beautiful moment.

•— John —•

I watched the mood shift in the mess hall… a few Skaikru even tried to explain to the grounder adults that it was music that had been recorded. They knew what music was… but, of course… they only heard it as people played musical instruments or sang, a recording was a foreign concept. The kids though, they started to shuffle around excitedly.

Bellamy dragged Raven to the spaces between the tables and had her dancing. It made me laugh softly. ‘If that was Shaw you be ready to burst.’ Emori said to me in Trig. I scowled because she was right. But…. This… watching her dancing and laughing with Bellamy, teasing the new grounder queen. It was nothing like the way I felt when Shaw was near her. Damn… that sounded… obsessive! The scariest thing about that is, that it was true. I had no right to feel like that.

The kids spotted me and some broke away from their parents and guardians to come towards me. They were asking what the words meant.

I had to think about it to translate a few words for them. When I looked back to Raven, she was standing there watching… Bellamy danced with his little sister while she pretended to hate it, and Indra scowled. When Rey thanked me, I shrugged like I had no idea what she meant and pointed to Jasper. He almost immediately disappeared into the kitchen again, stating he was picking a song they could dance to.

Lizzy was giving me a thumbs up too and Monty looked around like he was planning one of those epic illegal parties that he and Jasper used to throw. I laughed, and the song changed.

Music - Youngblood Hawke - We Come Running

‘You did a good thing, John.’ An all too familiar voice said from next to me. Doc Lite was a sneaky little bastard when he wanted to be.

“Jasper did it. I just mentioned that a little music would be nice… he did all the work.” I explained. Okay, it was more than that… I had gathered up all the devices I could to create a large selection of music and made sure they got back to the owners. Most of the tracks came from the players I had salvaged from the mansion. Then convinced Jasper to figure out how to wire it into the PA system in the mess.

‘Oh…’ Jackson leaned on the counter separating us. ‘In that case, I take it back.’

I just smirked and shook my head, glancing back at Raven, making sure she saw me flicking my eyes at the doctor and then rolling them as if to say, 'This fucking guy!'

‘I saw that!’ He scoffed, then held his hand out to me. ‘Come on then… even if you had nothing to do with this… let's see some of those epic moves you had in the kitchen.’

Now I scoffed and walked around the counter. “Is it even appropriating for a therapist to dance with a patient?” I teased.

‘It will be if you can manage to keep your hands to yourself, Mr Murphy.’ He didn’t miss a beat. Taking my hands and spinning me under his arm. We danced awkwardly and hilariously… Like origami, dancing was not in his skill set.

Before I knew it, I was swamped by kids and Jackson was dragging Emori from behind the counter too, taking her covered hand without a second thought or glance. Jasper reappeared and jumped the counter. Reeling in his best friend, while Lizzy looked on and laughed. Monty played along like he was a fish on a hook.

•— Raven —•

“Small Wins.” Smiling at the sight before us. I’d taken my seat once again with Indra joining me. She had no plans to join in the madness, and she didn’t have to stand on ceremony when her new Heda was in the arms of her brother. “It’s the small wins like this, which will make the difference. Moments like these are the ones we want everyone to cherish and want more of.’ Pointing towards the other tables, where the children of the clans had stood to dance. “They aren’t looking to stay segregated in this moment. They see the light-hearted entertainment this is meant to be and are part taking. A lot of this is thanks to Luna and Harper with the classes they run, and others like Jasper and Monty with their need to have fun. And then there is John.” My hazel eyes moving over each element as I spoke until landing on John. “He thinks about the way to break the silence, to bring some form of happiness to those around him.” Now I laughed at the way he and Jax danced. Freely. Without a care of who was watching.

‘We never had time for this.’ She began. ‘However, I do miss the fire stories.’ Now she had my attention.

“The fire stories?” I asked interested to learn more.

‘Yes. Our elders would tell us stories when we were younger, until we were old enough to bring our own to the fire. It is how we shared history, told of great battels, and dreams of peace.’ Her eyes remained on Octavia and Bellamy; however, I could tell she’d been transported back to a happy time.

“That is exactly what we have here.” I told her. “And you know there is no reason you can’t have fire stories here.  Go see the children when they are in their classes, share your knowledge with them. Well… maybe without the actual fire. But you know what I mean.” Laughing as I said it. “A fire on the ship isn’t the best idea.”

Indra nodded once. She didn’t say she would, however she also didn’t say she wouldn’t. 𝙨𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙨 Small Wins!

I knew the clans kept their stories to themselves. It meant a great deal to them. But with such a small number of humans still able to learn up here. It would be the only way to ensure that nothing was lost with time. 

Cheers drew our attention across the hall. The men were moving a few of the tables out of the way, as Jasper and Monty lined the children up, with one of the others giving them a few steps to try.

Cheers drew our attention across the hall. The men were moving a few of the tables out of the way, as Jasper and Monty lined the children up, with one of the others giving them a few steps to try.

•— John —•

Nathan came to steal Jackson, giving me a wink behind his back that was all too obvious. I just smiled and let him cut in. “I watched the crimson steal into Doc Lite’s dull bronze skin… the bland rations here really were taking their toll on everyone. No one was losing an alarming amount of weight or anything like that, but the nutrition additives clearly weren’t nearly as effective as the fresh seeds, berries, fruits and roots we had access to on the island… and the fish and rabbits, obviously. I picked my way around the outskirts of the room towards Raven; without getting caught with whatever the dynamic duo was up to in the middle of the mess, with the kids. But I noted how parents, guardians and clan leaders stood and watched. They let them speak to and instruct their children. Some of the older people were teaching what looked to be traditional dance moves to the Skaikru adults. They laughed together when they messed up each step.

I just thought music would be fun… I hadn’t expected this.

I had almost made it to Rey when Delano stopped me in my tracks.  ‘Yo don sola diyo, yomreinseda,’ (You did a good thing young leader) He said putting a hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head trying to translate the last word.

“Young… rank... teacher?” I puzzled it out in Gonasleng.

‘Young Leada...’ He mispronounced the word leader. And I shook my head.

“Oh… no. I’m not…” I swapped to Trig in respect of the Trishanakru leader. “Ai nou bilaik reinseda.” (I’m not a leader) I explained, and I pointed to Jasper. “Ai lukot dula disha. Ai nou na lan Tek op” (My friend did this. I can’t use technology)

‘Sure, you are.’ He continued, still in Trigedasleng. ‘The power we do or do not hold does not change what we are. A leader without power is a true leader of the lost.’ He pointed to the kids copying Jasper and Monty’s dance moves… Were they teaching the kids to high-five themselves? Then he pointed to other groups mingling between clans and Skaikru; like all the tension and anxiety had left the room. ‘And they are less lost than they were yesterday.’

He patted my shoulder and walked away to watch Dela dancing, she was right up front of course taking Jasper’s hand, which he gave gladly.

I finally made my way to Indra and my Stargazer as they watched it all. “I told you Jordan was ready to get back to work,” I said instead of a greeting. “What do you think?”

People were making their way out to get to their assignments and there was notably less trudging than usual.

•— Raven —•

Indra and I spoke in low whispers, she even cracked a small smile. When I tried to point out the fact she told me it was just her way of burping!

BURPING! That was her story, and she was damn well sticking to it! I huffed out a laugh, shaking my head and rolling my eyes all at once at her. -

Even though I watched the whole ship and the people in the mess hall come to life. Music, laughter, these were things that… John’s voice brought me back from my rampaging thoughts of how we could maybe make something good up here too.

‘Madness.’ Indra started with that dismissive attitude she thought we couldn’t see past.

“What Indra meant to say is… we think it’s brilliant how everyone has this moment to hold on to. How they are smiling, laughing, learning, and enjoying themselves.” I dared to nudge her in her side. Earning me a scowl from the woman.

Okay… I may have pushed my luck with her. But she wouldn’t kill me, right? Not when she knew I had skills to keep the ship floating.

She narrowed her eyes at me. The look saying, ‘not what I was saying your stupid girl.’ But I chose to read it as ‘that’s exactly what I was going for.’ Stage whispering to John, fully expecting Indra to hear me. “If you find me dead tonight. Know that I died happy knowing I got under this warrior’s skin.”

It made her scoff at me. ‘If I were to kill you, it wouldn’t be over this.’ Now she rolled her eyes.

“Ahh…. See… you do like me…” I teased.

•— John —•

I chuckled at the warrior and tilted my head. “Didn’t Lexa have a song written about her coalition and had it performed at every formal gathering of the clan leaders?” I asked her, knowing that it was true. Not that this was the same thing.

But the grounders saw value in music… maybe it was a little much for Indra right now. Eric Fucking Jackson! He was turning me into someone who noticed and cared about other people’s comfort. I did not approve.

The way Indra looked at Rey when she corrected her was hilarious, but I still stepped closer… not worried that the woman would hurt her… little much for Indra right now. Eric Fucking Jackson! He was turning me into someone who noticed and cared about other people’s comfort. I did not approve. The way Indra looked at Rey when she corrected her was hilarious, but I still stepped closer… not worried that the woman would hurt her… at least not with anything more than words. But even the idea of that made me feel… something. Something that urged me to be nearer to her.

I tried so hard not to flinch and not to vividly recall the flashes of my nightmares of finding Raven dead, drowned or anything in between. I knew I failed when Indra’s eyes settled on me, widening a little instead of her trademark narrowing. She tilted her head at Raven then looked between the two of us. ‘The boy dislikes it when you joke about your death…’ She fixed her gaze on me for a silent second and I had the sudden need to swallow.

'Interesting…’ She enunciated each syllable. ‘Weren’t you meant to be the one that only cared about himself?’

I cleared the tightness in my throat. “What can I say…” I forced a shrug. “I’m growing as a person.”

‘I will tell the leader of Trishanakru I agree you will be a good Seda for the children. I am undecided about the last Natblida.’ She said and then walked away before I could reply.

“Wait… what? Who?” I looked at Raven. “What the hell just happened?”

•— Raven —•

All I could do was burst out laughing so hard that tears formed in my hazel eyes. I wrapped one arm around John’s shoulder and patted it as Indra walked away without looking back.

“What just happened? I think she saw the new you and liked what she saw.” Still laughing at the shocked expression on face.

The fact that Indra pointed out how John has grown to care about others, at how I messed up by joking about my death to him. I wouldn’t point it out. We were friends. John has spent a good amount of his time on the island trying to keep me alive. So, of course jokes about my death weren’t welcome. Right? Yeah… of course… yeah….

‘What’s got you laughing so hard?’ Bells and O danced past the two of us.

I pointed to John’s head. “Indra just gave John Murphy here a new title…” they both looked to John and then me. “Seda…” I mouthed.

I could see Bell’s smirking and O… she looked from John to Indra walking away and then nodded her head. As though she agreed with this new idea.

•— John —•

Rested my hand on Raven’s back out of habit when she put her arm around my shoulder. Applying light pressure just to see how much of her weight she was offsetting. Before I had a chance to tell Raven the new me still hadn’t finished school and never mind teaching others… and teaching them what exactly? Bellamy and Octavia came over.

Bells wasn’t the best trig speaker but surely, he had heard this term… I was sure that Octavia called Indra Seda often. The new Grounder Queen seemed intrigued. “You can put a stop to whatever that is right?”

‘Should I?’ she asked like it was not big deal at all.

“I didn’t even finish school Octavia… I’m not teacher material.” I insisted.

‘I never went to school and now look at me?’ She smirked. She was amused by this! ‘And I don’t think it's that deep, Murphy. They just want you to teach the children English.’ I could tell she didn’t really believe that.

I was kind of doing that already… it didn’t sound too bad… unless they wanted me to do proper lessons. ‘You’ve already done that, right? The last time I visited the classroom the children showed me how they could count in Gonasleng.’

‘Wait… Murphy taught the kids English?’ Bellamy was grinning.

“Not really I just taught them to recognise the numbers on the lift buttons and the rooms, so they could find their way around better,” I admitted… because that was really all I had done. “Harper did the rest and Luna.”

‘But who taught Harper to count in Trig?’ Octavia asked.

“There’s a dozen people on this ship that could have done that better than I did.” I scoffed.

‘But no one did… right?’ Bellamy tilted his head curiously. ‘No one but you.’

  I scowled and Octavia laughed. ‘Honestly, I’m not sure why the clan elders are talking about you like this… but so far... I see no reason to put a stop to it. Just try not to cause a political disaster… Until then… ‘She shrugged. ‘I’m going to let this play out… but I gotta go now.’

She smiled at Raven, said goodbye, and followed her mentor. Bellamy looked Raven and me up and down for a second and excused himself too. I laughed and looked at Raven again. “Stars! You play a little music and the whole ship goes insane!” I laughed. “It’s not just me, right? That was fucking weird.”

•— Raven —•

Standing here my head moved from person to person, following the conversation as well as keeping an eye on our surroundings because… well… I was banking this all for a time when the dark wanted to drain me.

I felt John place his arm around my back, it was kinda normal for us to stand like this. Well, I didn’t mind the physical touch, nor did John... not from me anyway.

So, when the others walked away, I clasped his face in my hand. Turning him to look me in the eyes, smiling at the way his lips made that ‘O’ shape between my thumb and fingers squeezing his cheeks.

“Why in the name of hells are you fighting this?” Lowering my voice so this remains between him and me.

“You said you were lost without a reason for being helpful, and here it is… handed to you because you are so good with the little ones, and you’re looking for excuses not to step up? What the actual fuck, Watcher. Why can’t you see yourself... The way we can see you… The way I see you?”

I knew I was going off on a tangent now. But I wanted to shake him until he woke up to this momentous revelation.

•— John —•

I had no idea how, but she managed to take me by surprise when we were standing so close, but she did. She grasped my face and squeezed a little to pucker my lips and make me laugh… but then she started to talk and nothing she said was a laughing matter.

I rested my other hand on the back of her head, her silky ponytail sliding between my fingers as I ran it down the back of her neck. I touched my forehead to hers for a second and took a breath. My hand came to a stop on her shoulder, and I pulled back to see those bright hazel eyes. “Okay… okay. I’ll let this play out and see where it goes… but I’m not teaching a class like the ones we had… and the first time someone makes a Charles Pike jokes I’m done.”

A throat cleared nearby, and I bristled. ‘Am I interrupting?’ Of course, it was Officer Shaw. There was no place I could have a conversation with her, without him showing up at some stage. Not unless it was in her room.

“Yes actually… you are.” I spoke. “Your ration group isn’t due for ten more minutes.” I reminded him but he knew.

‘I was hoping to catch you,’ He spoke to Raven. ‘I had a few observations I wanted to go over with you from my night shift.’ He ignored me but I refused to step away from Raven… she knew if she gave any hint I would give her space.

“Thanks very much, Murphy. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of anyone else accessing their morning rations.” I rolled my eyes. Then turned back to Raven. “Did you eat? And don’t forget to grab your water allowance on the way out.” I reminded her. Soldier Boy wasn’t the only one who could ignore people.

•— Raven —•

What was happening? A shiver ran down my spine, the small hairs on my arms stood up, my heart picked up a few beats, and my lips parted with the feel of fingers in my hair and then down the back of my bare neck. Why had such a normal action, elicited such a reaction? Why did it take my breath away? I couldn’t find my thoughts or even figure out what to say.

“No-one… is going to call you by his name... or even joke about it.” Did my words sound breathy? No... I was imagining it. I had to be, right? The clearing of a throat beckoned my attention, taking my sight away from John to find the dark brown eyes of Mile searching mine for something.

Blinking away the sensations growing in the depths of my stomach. Telling myself It was nothing.  So much time had passed since another person had touch me. I was…. It was just… he was just…. “Oh… observations… of … course….” Shouting at myself to snap out of it! And then their response to one another did it. “Would you two behave yourself?”

Turning to look at John, only now noticing that my hands were on his cheeks still, and his arms were holding me in.

“I’ve eaten... and I will take my water with me.” Nodding once before letting my hands drop. Clearing my throat. I turned to Miles. “Where would you like to speak?” I asked. “Pointing to the table I had been sat on. And then the door. “Unless you want to walk and talk?”

They were both now clearly acting like the other didn’t exist. ‘Here is fine. I don’t believe we will be in anyone’s way all the way over here.’ That had to be in reply or a dig at John’s comments.  

Rolling my eyes. I took a step out of John’s hold, giving myself a minute to collect my thoughts before making my way to the table.

•— John —•

I was quietly stunned… her voice was… how I dreamed it sometimes. It was… hell! Why did my throat feel so tight? And of course, Miles was right here to destroy this tiny sliver of a dream that has become reality.

Everything had felt right in the world until he showed up. When Raven told us both to behave, I felt a smug satisfaction. But then I was very aware of the fact that I was breaking my promise to be nicer to the Officer… Lieutenant. I dropped my hands, happy to let her step away, she was oblivious to his feelings as she was to mine… not that I would ever keep her from finding happiness… okay… well maybe if it was with him? My stomach turned, no… not even then…. But I would harbour some dark thoughts.

“Don’t give it away… I can tell. And you know it.” I teased her. The subtle hints of dehydration were so clear to me in her, her eyes dulled, her lips were less rosy, and her pain was always more pronounced. “I’ll find you for your lunchtime rations.” I headed back to my station…

The music was still playing but the dancing was slowing, most people just talking now as they made their way out to make room for the next group.

Music: Best I Can · Art of Dying

Many of the grounders greeted me as I passed, speaking in Trig until I was tackled by a tiny… shockingly solid grounder child that ran right into me and clung to my leg. A mother rushed up and apologised, I recognised the kid as the boy that insisted on being carried for our little tour. I told her it was okay and picked him up, I had no idea if he was even old enough to understand the things I was saying to him.

I was fighting the urge not to look back at where Raven was with Shaw. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he had gotten into my head again. That got easier when I spotted the woman holding a ration bar with only one bite taken from it. I explained to her that she needed to finish her food here. Also, that we had the rule to make sure no one gave their food away and became ill from not eating enough. I left out the whole black-market trading of rations. All of this was part of my deal with Abby before I agreed to take the job. I wasn’t going to be victimised by illegal ration trading like so many of us were on the Ark. Raven and I among them.

She explained that it was her sons ration, and he wouldn’t eat. I settled him on my hip and took the bar from her trying to hand it to him. He squirmed and tried to get away from me… or… the bar? He kept repeating ‘En’s laud, en’s laud!’ (It hurts; it hurts!) And a lot of grounders were looking at me, trying to figure out if I was hurting the kid. I set him down as his mother told me he’d been saying it for two days.

“Weron bilaik laudnes?” I asked. (Where is the pain?)

The kid pointed to his cheek and winced at the contact. I had an instant flash back… cringing at the remembered pain of a tooth ache. I had him open his mouth and I could see the angry gums.

Shit! I waved Jackson over. Picking the kid up and carrying him to the ration counter, setting him up. Jackson pulled out a light and other tools… because of course this little nerd had a med kit at breakfast. I translated for them both. Until Jackson huffed a little.

“What is it?” I asked.

‘This kid was intubated when he came on board, it looks like the scope cracked his tooth… it happens sometimes’ he said.

“Can you fix it?” I looked between him and the mom.

‘Up here… luckily yeah… on the ground… something this simple could be…’ Doc Lite stopped. ‘Bad. But He’ll be fine, he’ll need anaesthetic though. I’ll take him right away.’

I explained as best I could what he said, but there were no trig words for some of what he had to say. I told her the doc needed to give him medicine to make him sleep so they could fix it without hurting him. The mom looked panicked. Jackson started to lead them out, while I assured her it was all okay. Jax stopped when he realised, I wasn’t following… ‘John… you need to come.’ He told me.

“I can’t. I still have two ration groups and my deliveries to make.” I explained.

‘I need a translator for this procedure… for the child and the mother.’ Was he pleading?

“Get Clarke?” I said and he shook his head. “Kane then… or Octavia?”

‘Leadership meeting… It must be you, John.’

“It can’t be me… I have dozens of people to feed Jackson… I can’t…” I was torn. The kid was hurting… but I still had a job here.

‘I’ll do it!’ A stern, familiar voice came from my left and I turned to see my best friend. Then in trig she said. “I will translate for the healer.”

The mother began to protest. ‘Nou dis Friek---' I stepped in front of the mother all empathy lost for her now. (Not this Mutant)

“Shof op!” (Shut up) I said harshly, not letting her finish the word. I turned to Emori then. “You don’t have to do that Emori.”

‘Someone does, John.’ She spoke. ‘And you need to be here. I can do it, right Jackson?’

‘I would really appreciate it Emori… but if you aren’t comfortable…’ He started.

‘Oh, I’m perfectly cosy… Let’s go.’ She repeated it in trig, walking passed the woman confidently.

I swallowed hard as they all walked away. Jasper came up beside me. ‘Did she call her…’ He didn’t say the word. I nodded curtly. Looking at the two grounders that worked with me as they brought out the next groups rations, torn about what to do. There was a hand on my shoulder then. Jasper. ‘I’ll go with her. It’ll be fine.’ He assured me.

“Jordan!” I called after him as he walked away. “Don’t leave her alone.”

‘Not for a second!’ He called back.

“Shit!” I huffed to myself, walking back to the kitchen. “Shit, shit, shit!”

•— Raven —•

I moved to stand, and a hand grasped mine pulling me back down to the bench. ‘You gotta give them space to find their feet and build the trust. If you keep trying to find the answers, Rey… You are doing them a dis-service.’

Slowly I found myself taking my place at the table. However, my eyes following those who were parting ways. From where we sat, I couldn’t hear the full conversations taking place, however I could read faces, and I could read their body language. Something was not right.

‘Rey?’ Miles rubbed the back of my hand to draw my eyes back to him. ‘They are all capable of finding their answers. You need to give them space to grow.’ This made my head jerk back to him.

“Are you saying I’m stifling their growth?” My lips tight, back straight, brows pulled into a frown as my hazel eyes burrowed into the man before me.

He took me in, without flinching away from my gaze. I had to admire his ability to stand his ground. ‘You tell me?’ Crossing his arms over his chest, Miles raised one brow. ‘Think about what I’m saying, don’t react, just think about it.’ His voice remained calm, giving me time to revisit the period on the ship. Trying to see each situation from another point of view.

Miles must have seen something on my face because his body moved to lean in closer. ‘It’s not a bad thing. You love those in your circle. You want to be there for them. To find them ways to stop hurting or fix everything and everyone. But…’ He glanced around the mess hall. ‘How are you helping them to learn, to grow, to find their own ways out from the mess?’  

My eyes dropped to the metal table, because I felt them burn and the one thing, I wasn’t going to do was let anyone here in a happy place see tears. ‘I grew up with a lesson, my grandfather used to say it all the time.’ Miles placed a hand over mine again. ‘Give a man a fish and he will eat for one day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat and feed his family for a lifetime.’

I knew there were times when I jumped in to find the answers. Hells wasn’t that one of the reasons I ended up with A.L.I.E’s chip in my head? “So, I need to let them learn to fish.” My voice broken as I pulled my hand away.

‘Rey… No… you—’ I stood up carefully making sure I didn’t fall over my own feet.

“It’s okay. I get it.” Clearing my throat. “I just remembered, I promised to get some data over to Marcus before the leadership meeting. Can we go over your observations a little bit later.” I didn’t give him time to say anything before I walked out of the mess hall keeping my head down.

‘Rey… Wait…’ His voice cut off as the doors closed behind me.

“Fuck!” Muttering the words I punched the wall sideways; I knew that was a bad idea, the moment pain shot up my bloody elbow.

What was I doing? In the name of helping, had I been hindering those I love? I rushed towards the elevators. I needed to get myself to my workshop… I needed to find a place to think about this.

•— John —•

As soon as the breakfast shift was over… I left the others to clear up. After working with me and seeing Emori regularly the grounders on ration duty with me had started to see her as a person and not someone who should have been killed at birth. So, they didn’t mind me leaving them to clean up.

Abby told me I was supposed to delegate…. But honestly, it wasn’t as easy as you would think it should be. Maybe I wasn’t used to people listening to me… let alone looking to me to know what to do next.

As I left the canteen, I noticed that Raven hadn’t collected her water ration. Of course, she hadn’t, she had rushed out of her like there was a fire somewhere. What the hell had Officer Handsy said to her? Yeah, I had seen him take her hand and lean in across the table. My fingers clenched around the container in my hand, Rey’s ration number stuck meticulously straight to the metallic surface.

I had to prioritise… it had only been an hour since Raven left without her water… but Emori had left with grounders an hour ago, with only Jasper Jordan as protection. While I trusted that he would do everything in his power to protect her… I had little faith in the power that skinny whip held.

I had to check on Emori. I took the water, along with the ration deliveries I needed to make to the people in the dorms who couldn’t make it to the mess hall yet and the people in the med bay still. At least that was where Emori should be; so, I shouldn’t need to go searching for her. I stopped at the rooms on my list that were on the way there.

When I walked through the scuffed white doors, I was sure were once glossy. I heard… laughing?

Emori laughing. Then I spotted her, sitting cross-legged on a chair and Jasper sat close… he had lanky legs out to either side with his chair pulled up right in front of hers and they were playing…. Slaps? No. There was no way.

Emori would never let someone touch her deformed hand…. but there it was, right in front of me. Jasper’s hand resting on top of Emori’s gloved and bare, normal hand. He was griping about how she was better than him at a game he had only just taught her. I laughed and they looked up, shushing me. Clearly, oblivious to the noise they had just been making, Emori pointed to the bed where the boy with the toothache was sleeping.

“Wait… is it done already?” I asked and Jackson stepped out of the treatment room wiping his hands dry like he had just washed them.

‘It’s a simple procedure. And it was a milk tooth so the kid would get his molars like normal and won’t have any gaps. It was a good catch, John.’ He grinned. ‘The kid will be just fine.’

I looked at the kid, his mom sat next to him. I wondered if his father died in one of the wars or maybe the Deathwave? “Did she behave herself?” I scowled at the woman who almost called Emori a foul slur in Trig that the grounders used for those mutated by the nuclear apocalypse fallout.

‘She was frightened—’ Jackson started, and I whipped back to him.

“Don’t make excuses for this, Doc.” I shook my hand. “Not this.” Jackson dropped his eyes.

‘John… she didn’t say anything else. She hardly even looked at me the entire time.’ Emori explained like that was better.

‘Talk about gratitude.’ Jasper scoffed and still took the chance to get a slap in that outraged Emori.

‘I don’t need gratitude, I’ll take the smug satisfaction of knowing I’m kinder and more useful than she ever will be on this ship.’ Emori said in trig to make sure the mom heard her; she dodged the next slap and made a teasing sound of victory. ‘Not to mention, prettier and cleverer too.’ She got a slap in. ‘And reflexes of a natstoka.’

Jasper looked to me for a translation. “Panther,” I told him.

‘Oh! That is so going to be her new nickname!!! OW!!!’ Jasper got slapped again. ‘John boy! Start spreading the word.’

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll get right on that… but I’m going to start by spreading these rations first.” I lifted the basket I carried.

I passed the rations around the med bay and reluctantly left Emori in there with Jasper, in case more translation was needed. I made the last few drops and then started for Raven’s workshop. There was no guarantee she was there. She fixed things all over the ship, but it was the only place I knew to start. And there might be a clue on her tablet what her plan was for the day… unless she took that with her. I chuckled… she was a hard woman to pin down.

That thought might have sent my mind spinning down a distracting path… Of course, there was so much more to my attraction to her… but I was only human too.

•— Raven —•

My body slammed into Abby pushing the both of us off our access. It took me a moment to wipe my eyes, straighten up before plastering a fake smile on. “Hold your house there Abby, what’s the rush?”

She chuckled tilting her head to the side, however it wasn’t hard to note that her gaze remained in place. ‘It’s Hold your Horses... the saying…’ Chuckling again. ‘But… You tell me, here I stood minding my own business. And then boom. Raven Reyes is trying to take me out.’ There was a hint of humour in her tone, but her motherly gaze wasn’t missing a thing.

“Oh, you know how it is. A million things to do….” Trailing off before my voice gave too much away.

‘Hmm… I guess, but it’s unlike you to be lost in thoughts. Is everything okay, darling?’ Damn this woman and her caring tone. Add to that the hand she placed on my shoulder rubbing the spot slowly.

“Yeah…” I replied off handedly and scoffing for good measure.

‘Rey…’ She returned a strong tone. ‘Tell me. It feels like I’ve not seen you for so long. Tell me what’s wrong.’ Taking my hand to guide me out of the elevator and towards a side where we wouldn’t be in the way, and no one would be able to overhear.

“It’s—” she cut me off.

‘Before you say it’s nothing. I know better. So just tell me.’ Cupping my face, she brought me in closer, with redden eyes lifting to meet hers. I didn’t know what power this woman held over me. Taking in a few deep sighs before I gave her the gist of what was upsetting me.

As soon as the last word left my lips, I felt like a weight had been placed on my heart. I’d hoped speaking those concerns aloud would make the feeling dissipate, however it remained.

‘Okay…’ She started tapping my cheek softly while I watched her closely as her mind allowed the information to permeate... ‘Okay… I can see where Miles may feel he has a good understanding of the moment, and the advice isn’t the worst I’ve heard.’ Something crossed her face in a flash. One moment it was there and then poof, it was gone. ‘However, Miles hasn’t lived your life or walked in your shoes. What may seem overprotective to him, to us it’s how we have adapted to life. We always have one another’s backs. Because we understand a different set of dangerous from him. Maybe?”

I wasn’t sure how to feel, or what to say so I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t want to be the reason for anyone to fail. And the more I think about it, the more I’m concerned that I am doing everything wrong. I just cannot seem to make the right decisions even when I’m trying to.”

Abby rubbed a hand down my back. ‘Yeah… and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing in our life has come with a playbook. We are all learning as we go along. Friendships. Family… Strangers… being back up here, in a ship we don’t know a lot about. It’s hard. We will all take time to learn the new meaning of life in space again.’ Smiling now she kissed my forehead. ‘You aren’t the reason for your friends not growing or learning. But you are the reason they... we… are all alive. Hold on to this fact when the darkness comes calling.’  

•— John —•

Once I was freed of my burden to deliver the rations those incapable of coming to collect theirs; I picked up the pace. This ship was huge, and Raven could be literally anywhere in it or outside of it… though as far as I knew; she had yet to take a spacewalk since we got up here.

I turned a corner and almost walked right into Monty Green, his arms loaded with parts and tools. ‘Wow… where are you off to in such a rush?’ Monty said, trying to save his load from toppling. I reached out to do the same.

“I’m looking for Raven… did you just come from the workshop? Is she down there?” I asked.

‘Um… no. I mean, yes I came from the workshop, but she wasn’t there.’ He answered.

“No chance she happened to say, where she was going today at all?” I asked hopefully.

‘Sorry, I haven’t seen her since breakfast…’ He said and then his brows knit. ‘Didn’t you see her at breakfast too?’

I held up the bottle. “She left without her water ration…” I shook my head. “One second she was talking to Soldier boy and then she was rushing out of the place like an airlock was malfunctioning…” Then my brows knit. “Wait, it wasn’t something like that was it?”

‘NO!’ Monty scoffed… ‘I’m an engineer… I would know if it was…’

“Aren’t you an apprentice?” I asked.

‘Well… Jaha is the last qualified engineer we have… I’m not sure he’ll be teaching me from the bunker… so. Engineer.’ He didn’t look confident. Thank the stars for Raven. ‘How do you even know that’s hers?’ He asked. “It’s her ration number,” I replied like it was obvious because… it was.

‘The ration numbers are seven digits. You memorized hers?’ Now he had a teasing grin on his face.

“I spend my whole day looking at lists of names and numbers… it’s not that weird.” I rolled my eyes.

‘What's mine?’ He challenged.

“I never said I memorized them all… Raven… has a habit of not picking hers up… so after all the times I had to find her to her eat and drink…. I guess it stuck.” Was I defensive?

‘Right.’ Monty smirked and dragged out the vowel. ‘Well, sorry John… I can’t help you… you could use a workstation and check the work orders. But our Rey gets sidetracked and tends to take little jobs between the ones on her list, so she could be anywhere. But she does mark her orders as done as soon as they are completed, so that should narrow it down.’

I huffed… I just about knew how to file the ration logs and send a repair request through these bloody tablets. But Monty was already shuffling away, and I didn’t really want to ask him to show me how to do all of that and reveal yet another failing on my long, long list.

In the lift, I leaned against the corner and tapped at the screen. I searched work orders… and all that came up were the kitchen shifts. Those were work orders. I searched mechanic, I searched a million things and then her name… maybe this stupid thing had a way to track hers? Was that creepy? The message Insufficient Clearance flashed up several times.

Insufficient… sounded like me….

Nothing. I headed to the workshop because… she had to come back at some stage, right?

I sat at her preferred workbench and booted up the screen, her user ID blinked and it requested a password… there was no way it was the same as her door code. I typed in a few guesses.

Incorrect Password

Incorrect Password

Incorrect Password…3 Attempts Remaining

I typed in BFanko2025.

Incorrect Password…2 Attempts Remaining

“Shit” I grumbled. I wondered what would happen after two more tries… I thought harder this time and started to type. She had no reason to believe anyone here would use her password to see what she was working on… she wouldn’t make this complicated. I typed, Dysfunctional family. As I did Lizzy walked in…

‘What on Earth are you up to?’ She walked up to where I sat as the screen flashed.

Incorrect Password…1 Attempts Remaining

“We aren’t on Earth…” I said sardonically… thinking… Okay, she wouldn’t complicate the password, but she would change it every few days. That would be a habit for her by now.

‘It's an expression…’ Lizzie chastised, and I chuckled. ‘But seriously… what are you doing?’

“Trying to figure out Rey’s password,” I admitted like it wasn’t a big deal… because it wasn’t I just wanted to see what was on her list for today.

‘Dude!!’ She tried to pull the screen toward her. ‘You can’t do that!’

“Why not? I just need to see where she was due to work today. It’s not a big deal.”

‘Yes… it is. I get the whole infatuated thing… she’s one hell of a woman… but this…’ She motioned from my head to my toes, encompassing the whole workstation. ‘Is red flag behaviour!’

“Why? I guarantee that she knows exactly where I am right now… or could find out if she wanted to.” It was a genuine question and statement.

‘Doesn’t that freak you out?’ she asked.

“Why would it? There are exactly three people that would notice if I vanished… I want all of them to know exactly how to find me at all times…”

‘You people are so fucking weird.’ She muttered, but there was no bite to it… sympathy maybe?

So, if she was changing her passwords frequently then it was probably something recent… something others wouldn’t think of as obvious.

I took a shot making sure Lizzie didn’t see me type. Papercrane

Access Granted

‘How the hell did you do that? I thought you were shit with computers. And now you're a hacker?’ She was stunned.

“Ew… no… I just… guessed.” I said. “If she wanted it private, she’d have made it harder. Now will you stop acting like this is some sort of white flag and show me how to find the work order.” I said.

‘It’s a RED flag, and it means creepy alpha male behaviour.’ She rolled her eyes, and I started pressing random buttons. ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’ She pushed me aside. ‘Fine! But if Raven asks, I’m telling her everything.’

“Fine by me…” I leaned in next to her. “What’s an alpha male?” I asked.

‘Jesus Christ…’ she navigated to a few screens. ‘Hopeless.’ She muttered similar sentiments as she found the work orders screen and they started to populate.

•— Raven —•

After Abby left, I recalled that I should have given her the data Marcus has requested of me. “I can’t seem to do anything right.” Muttering it to myself rubbing the side of my head as I advanced towards Council rooms. Only stopping when a warning flashed over the screen of my tablet.

Unauthorised attempts to login.

“What the hells?” I’d stopped to frown at the screen, in the middle of the corridor when someone bumped into the back of me sending the tablet flying across the floor.

‘Fuck. Shit. Sorry.’ I didn’t recognise the voice, or the feel of the man as he held on to me to stop me from toppling forward or falling. Once certain I’d regained my footing, he moved around me to gather my tablet, wiping it with the corner of his jumpsuit with the Eligius Corporation logo on it, before handing it back over. ‘I’m truly… sorry! I need to start looking where I’m going. Are you okay?’

Nodding my head while taking the tablet offered back to me, I didn’t have time to reply. ‘I never give myself enough time to get to my shift. You’d think after being asleep, or frozen for over a hundred years, I’d be over the whole Love of sleep thing right. But nope. Not me.’

Tilting my head to the side I couldn’t help my lips curling up slightly. He was funny, and now really looking at him I could see that I did indeed recognise him. It was the Pilot Officer of Eligius IV.  Whereas Miles Shaw called himself a "cocky space explorer," who was willingly joined a mining mission to uncover the "secrets of the universe."

Fritz Jacinto had a kind and easy going demeaner. Taller than me, with dark black short hair, a square jaw, with open and honest eyes. Fritz had joined the Eligius IV crew after being discharged from the UK Air Force. It hadn’t been a long-life dream, his file stated that it was just the next step in his career. He’d flown the skies in the name of his country; So, space was beckoning his name.

“Flight Officer Jacinto.” Dropping my chin once in greeting.

‘Please… It’s fritz.’ He corrected me with a wave of his hand. Looking down at me through his dark eye lashes. I couldn’t help the voice in my head asking why men always had such long eye lashes? ‘Where are you off to Miss Reyes, could I accompany you part of the way, if not all the way?’ He asked taking a step to the side, sweeping his hand out in a gesture to go first.

“Didn’t you say, you were running late for your shift on the bridge?” Asking with a soft smile now. Setting off the way I had planned to before I bumped into him.

‘Shit… Yeah… See… My mum raised a gentleman, which means I will always ask to accompany a beautiful young lady to her destination. Which is most likely why I never made it up the ranks now that I think of it.’ His accent one I’d only heard in the music John would play back at home. ‘Could I ask for a rain check?’ Bending down at his waist with his two hands clasped together.

“Of course, because I’m not known for needing someone to accompany me, I’m normally the one who is setting up the road so it’s safe for others to walk.” Pointing around us. “Not that there are any dangerous things jumping out at us up here. And let’s face it… I’m also not going to be the reason you do not make it to your shift in time.” I told him just before he laughed, winked and then set off running again.

‘Yeah… I’m learning that women in your times… they are bad arse!’

Stopping I watched him going until the doors of the council room opened to my right, and I heard the calming voice of Luna, speaking to the men in the room.

‘We need to start with respect, no matter who it is we speak of. This is meant to help all of us. Not just the chosen few.’ She silenced the rowdy room at once. Her eyes lifting to me with a kind smile when she saw me stepping inside.

•— John —•

Lizzie opened the work orders, and it showed the jobs that Ravan had already done today. I shook my head and grinned. “That woman is going to work herself into the med bay…. Again.” I muttered to myself. But Lizzie was close enough that she heard.

‘What do you mean by again?’ She asked.

“It’s a long story…” I had no idea what Lizzie knew about Raven. “And it's not really mine to tell.”

‘I’m guessing it has something to do with why you are a little… obsessed when it comes to Raven?’ She asked, seemingly having a light bulb moment.

“Raven and I have had a lot of life and death experiences together… I think a little obsession is to be expected… right?” I smirked… I shook my head, shaking away the images of me firing into the floor of the dropship, not knowing who was under there. The image of Rey pulling the trigger on me after the dropship camp battle… We were past all that. But the scars remained.

‘Yeah, the end of the world can do that I suppose.’ Lizzie looked pained.

“Oh, there was plenty that had nothing to do with the end of the world.” I laughed darkly. I clicked on a tab that read SCHEDULE. Lizzie stayed quiet. I was glad. I really didn’t want to tell those stories right now.

“Dammit,” I muttered.

‘Looks like she was scheduled to talk with the council… easy… it’s a few floors up and the lift close to the room they meet in… what’s the problem?’ She asked.

I sighed. “I just don’t want to be anywhere near that room.” She gave me a look. “I have an issue with authority.” I also had an issue that Luna agreed to advise them… It was dangerous. She was a Nightblood. I knew Octavia was one of us… but she went all Skairipa in Polis. I wasn’t sure I trusted her not to kill Luna to keep her position.

And I wasn’t sure I trusted Indra and her zealot daughter not to try and force an ascension on her.

Lizzie looked from me to the bottle I had sat on the workstation, while I hacked, as Lizzie called it (but seriously if she didn’t want me to know she would have made her password random), but guessing and hacking… not the same thing. ‘You know… It is just a bottle of water… you could give it to her at her lunch rations.’

I was about to glare at her when I realised that she was right… Raven wasn’t moments away from death. “If you knew how awful Rey was at looking after herself you might have a different opinion.”

‘Or if I was…’ She cut off as I glared at her. ‘Never mind!’

Then she heaved a sigh… she grabbed the bottle. ‘Fine. Leave it to me Loverboy!’ She jumped up from the stool and headed out. I logged out of the workstation… I knew at least that much, then followed her.

“I’ll head as far as the med bay with you. I’ll have time to check on the kid before I go back to work.”

She had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained as we walked. ‘You know that isn’t your responsibility, right?’ She quirked a brow and hit the button for my floor and her. I just shrugged… unsure what she meant. ‘I mean… well done figuring out what was up with the kid before he got an infection or something. But… that’s medical’s issue now.’

“And that would be true if anyone else there could speak Trig,” I said like that was the perfect comeback because I believed it was.

‘Isn’t that why Emori went? I have spoken with her… her English is fluent.’ She shot that argument right down. ‘And don’t say it’s because you don’t want her alone because of the whole we kill the kids with birth defects … because she has your buddy Jasper with her.’

“I just need to know they are safe… and before you ask. That means Raven, Luna and Emori. I know people from your Generation think it's weird that my closest friends are all girls. But Emori was my first real friend ever… Luna… well she didn’t give me a choice and Raven… is Raven.”

‘That is some serious trauma bonding right there!’ Lizzie shook her head.

“I have no idea what that means.” I laughed, but it wasn’t hard to guess. “Weren’t you a soldier in a war? I’m sure you have been in situations like that too, right?”

Of course, she had, but she changed the subject… ‘So, teach me something in this crazy language you learned in like three months.’

“Like what?’ I laughed.

‘Loverboy.” She smirked. I thought about it for a second and told her.

“Fanas.” (Sexy) With a straight face. Then the lift dinged for my floor.

Before the door slid shut, she called after me. ‘I’ll find you after I see… let you know they’re safe.’

Dammit! It was hard to not like this girl… but honestly, I had stopped resisting liking her a while ago. How long had we even been on this ship now? The doors closed and Lizzie was gone again. I checked the time once more on my tablet and picked up speed to go and check on Emori before the midday ration shifts started.

•— Raven —•

“What in the hells was I thinking coming here in person?” sideways glancing at Griff who’d come to join me by the back wall looking over the large circular table everyone sat around.

‘Uhm… Was it the fact that you didn’t want me in here suffering this madness alone?’ She teased. Smiling at the look of discontent on my face. ‘Okay. Maybe not.’ Pushing her elbow into my side. ‘Hey… Are you okay?’ Her eyebrows pulled together.

“Yeah. Fine. Just been a long morning so far.” Damn these Griffen women and their ability to sniff out B.S from a hundred feet away. 

‘That’s never been an issue for your overachieving arse before. In fact, I’m sure you thrive on it.’ And I knew she was right. But I also wasn’t in a place to talk about it again. Not until I’d had time to work it out too. Both our heads turned back to the table when we heard another argument breaking out.

“Why are we still going around in circles here? Didn’t the council already agree on the pods and the timeline we would put everyone to sleep?” She nods her head. The both of us listening to the conversation before she spoke to me again.

‘Yeah, we did come to an understanding, but now the issue is with who is going in.’ she saw my eyebrows lifting. ‘Yup… I know.’ She clearly read my mind. ‘They are saying that at least ten warriors from each clan should stay awake, or at least five. Some of them have this notion that once they are all asleep. We could float them.’ That sent a chill down my spine.

‘No... you are not listening to the fact. We need a skeleton crew onboard awake, people who can keep this ship going. We do not have the rations to keep so many people alive for the mount of time needed.’ Marcus said in trig. Holding his hands out towards me to step forward. ‘Rey has the data right here; this will show us all what the impact will be.’

Stepping forwards their eyes were burning holes in my face. (At least that’s how I’d imagined it). But I was used to this… Speaking the truth and sticking to facts. Nothing could go wrong, right? I send the data from my tablet to the screen they were all turned towards now, and begun breaking down the figures for them in a way that they could understand.

〄           〄           〄           〄

By the time the meeting had ended, I was ready to jump out of the airlock without a suit on and hope for the best. The same arguments were being had repeatedly. The same points of contention, the same outcomes. And then we were back at square one.

‘Aren’t you glad you came to this meeting?’ Griff asked as she, Luna and I departed the room together.

‘Rey was needed. Even if they weren’t willing to listen at first. Seeing the impact in a few years to those who will stay awake, helped in the end.’ Luna placed a hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t understand how you both put-up with-it day in and day out. Damn Luna, I’d punch me if I were you.”

They both shared a look before laughing. ‘Chomouda? (Why?)’ She asked.

“If it wasn’t for me and John. You wouldn’t be in there.” She laughed some more, shaking her head.

‘Luna loves it in there.’ Griff joked rolling her eyes. ‘Really… She’s always so zen. I’d truly feel embarrassed for the others and their red faces when Marcus told them to listen to what Luna has to say.’ Griff answered as we all came to a stop.

‘There you are.’ A voice we weren’t expecting came up to us.

“Lizzie? Who are you looking for?” I asked with a smile on my lips.

‘You!’ She waved a bottle of water in front of my face. ‘Fanas, said you need to get your water intake up...’ She stopped speaking when she saw Luna, Griff and I share a look.

“Fanas?” The three of us questioned at once.

‘Yeah… Fanas.. You know… John Murphy.’ She gave a questioning look before the three of us burst out laughing.

‘Oh…. My… Hells…! John Murphy and Fanas?’ Griff was ready to fall on the ground. ‘Did he tell you what that means?’

Lizzie crossed her arms, fighting back her own laughter, guessing that she had been played. ‘He said…. Never mind… Will someone tell me what that word means… Please?’

It took us a few minutes to come to terms with what we had been asked. It was Luna who gathered herself first. ‘It means Sexy.’ Lizzie’s mouth dropped open making Griff and I laugh even harder.

“I’m guessing that’s not the word you were looking for?” wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

‘No… But I’ll get that little… so… and… so back.’ She cracked finally shaking her head and laughing too. ‘Here, please take your water bottle, woman. He was worried you wouldn’t drink today if someone didn’t remind you.’

•— John —•

When I got back to the med bay Jackson was explaining to the mom (through Emori’s translation skills) that he wanted the kid to stay the night. I had a feeling if it had been a Skaikru kid they would have sent him back to the dorms. But grounder parents probably weren’t well-versed in post-dental care. He was just being safe. He told her he could set up a bed if she wanted to stay with him or she was welcome to go back to her bunk and rest. But she took the offer to stay, unsurprisingly.

I told Emori to let her know she couldn’t stay here all night to help her communicate, and again… unsurprisingly… she was fine with that. So much for gratitude. Even though this woman sat lovingly next to her child I knew in my bones that if this boy had been born with a defect… she would have left him out to die.

Later, walking back to the mess with Emori and Jasper, I told them my theory and Emori bit her lips. ‘You can’t say that… you never know until a person is in that position. She might have done the right thing. But I’m glad she never needed to make that decision.’ She said.

“You’re too forgiving.” I scoffed.

‘Not forgiving… just. Over it. They don’t have the power here. They can say whatever they like. I’m just choosing not to let it rule my life.’ She shrugged.

I slung my arm over her shoulder at the same time as Jasper and we smacked elbows. “OW!!” I protested. He recovered faster and got his arm around her, tucking a laughing Emori under his lanky arm.

‘HA!! She’s all mine now John-boy!’ He teased and we walked into the mess; the music was still playing but at a lower volume.

The place was empty, closed when it was unmanned, only the ID codes of the workers and people with clearance unlocked the doors, and they closed and locked behind us until the first midday ration slot started. The tables and floors had been cleaned since this morning, and I saw the grounder assigned to this duty already counting ration and nutrition packs.

Emori heaved a sigh. ‘This is starting to feel really repetitive… you know?’

I just laughed. “Yeah, that’s kinda life in space. You could go and work With Raven today? She is probably finished with the council meeting; they are all on the first ration call, so they have the same schedule for meetings and stuff. So, after she collects her ration, you should go with her… she has quite a few jobs on her list today.”

‘How do you know what is on her list today?’ Jasper asked.

“I saw her work orders when I was looking for her earlier.” That had him narrowing his eyes at me suspiciously. I just continued without clarifying anything. “You could go too… I’m sure she could use the help. And we all know that she would never ask.”

‘Yeah… I think I will. You have all the help you need here, right?’ Emori asked.

“Yeah, me and my grounder crew have got this… you two should go help keep this tin can in the air.” I laughed. I almost heard Jasper roll his eyes.

‘There’s no air in space John!’ He scoffed.

“Nerd!” I coughed the word. He let go of Emori for the first time since he put his arm around her to crack me across the back of the head playfully.

“Well since you guys are here now… you might as well help set up.” I chuckled and we set into the routine… Jasper wasn’t as familiar with it as Emori was and mostly, they browsed the music, then helped a little… Then got distracted again… but it was fine. He was making Emori smile. Hell… Jasper was smiling. There was no downside to this.

•— Raven —•

With my water bottle in hand, I made my way to my workshop, needing to stop by to pickup some tools and spare parts for my workload today. Luckily, I had completed one of the bigger jobs in the morning before being side-tracked by breakfast and the council meeting.

‘Rey?’ Bells’ voice made me turn my head as he jogged up from behind.

“All, okay?” I asked coming to a stop only when we came to the elevator bank. Which reminded me… I needed to investigate the lighting inside. I could swear it was flickering when I last used it.

‘Yeah… As good as things can be up here.’ He pushed the button to call the box.

“Okay… did you need something?” because from the way his eyes were darting everywhere but at me. He so did.

Looking around to make sure we were alone he lent down to whisper. ‘Please could I ask for some help?’ this made me smirk.

“Okay… Help with what?” I whispered back.

Once again, his eyes shifted around us before he continued. ‘Uhmm… It’s not anything big…’ Looking around again.

“Would you just spit it out Bellamy!” Huffing at him as the doors opened making the both of us step inside.

‘Okay… okay…’ Waiting until the doors were closed before speaking. ‘So…’ He coughed.

“What the Hells did you break?” I asked now with my hands on my hips. I knew that look in his eyes too well.

‘Hey… How do you know I broke it.’ He asked lifting his hands palms flat in defence.

“There… That… you just admitted to it.” Pointing a finger at him.

‘No… I just asked a question.’ He snapped his teeth at my fingers as I normally did.

“Bellamy…” He covered my mouth with his hand.

‘Okay... okay... But I didn’t mean to break it. It just stopped working.’ He whispered to me. ‘Don’t get mad, okay? I’ll tell you.’

I did as he asked, standing there with my eyebrows pulled together as he broken down the damage he had unleashed. “So… Let me get this straight. You and some of the OG crew on the ship, thought it was fun to try to link the main screens on the flight decks to play games? Games you don’t even know how to play, you just thought it sounded cool? Am I getting this right? And now… those screens won’t revert to the main displays they were designed for… and are playing a hundred-year-old porn with the sound on full blast?” Rubbing my temples as I spoke. “How in hells are we even friends? And Who the hells even watches Porn?” He said nothing, his face bashful, and yet there was still a smirk on his lips.

‘Is it any better if we call it research?’ He asked. To which I punched him in the arm. ‘OW!!! Rey!!! That Hurt woman!’

“No! No, It’s Not.!” Shaking my head. “I should leave it like that to teach all of you a lesson. That will stop you from fucking around.” Sighing. “Come on… We need to go to my workshop first, then take me to the screens.” I could go on my own, sure. But I was going to make Bells’ carry all the tools. Those I need, and those I would add to the list just for pay back.

•— John —•

Raven didn’t show for her ration slot… I wish I could say that this was unusual… but it was far from it. And at least now I had a very valid reason for looking for her earlier, even if the army nurse thought that I was being overprotective.

By the middle of the rotation, she still hadn’t shown, I added her rations into the ones I had to deliver later. Suddenly, Lizzie cut the line to slap me across the back of my head. ‘I have a bone to pick with you!’ She glared, but there was no fire in it.

“OW!” I exaggerated. “What was that for!?” I knew exactly what it was for.

‘Oh, please! Sexy! You know exactly what it's for!’ She was grinning through her mock outrage.  ‘Luna told me what that word you taught me really means.’

“Yeah… she’s not much of a practical joker. My money was on her or Clarke to rat me out.” I chuckled.

‘Oh, Griffin and Rey thought it was hilarious too!’ Lizzie exclaimed.

I laughed hard. “Clarke Griffin laughed. Damn… I didn’t know she had it in her.”

‘You two have history, don’t you?’ She asked, and I just looked at the line behind her; she nodded, understanding that this was the place. It wasn’t a story I was planning on telling, but it stopped her from asking about it for now.

Miles didn’t come in until close to the end of his rotation. ‘Hey… Do you know what happened with the kid you were talking to today?’ He asked me. I did a double take. Was he being normal?

“Oh… he’s fine. Just needed some teeth pulled.” I told him. “I’m sure he is hurting, but better to hurt now than die later,” I answered. Shaw laughed.

‘People don’t die from cavities.’

I looked at him to see if he was kidding. He wasn’t kidding. “Wow… you really think that’s true, don’t you?”

‘I mean… sure… but only if you don’t get it treated for weeks.’ He shrugged, and I scoffed. ‘No one will wait that long without seeing a dentist.’

“Oh yeah, sure… look around. These people clearly have been spending their time building medical schools.” I scoffed. “Even on the Ark, people died because of dental issues, and we had doctors.”

He just rolled his eyes. But I wasn't going to get into an argument with him over it here when I listened to the guy in the cell next to me groaning in pain and screaming from fever dreams for two weeks because, they wouldn’t waste rations on a prisoner.

‘Look, John… I get that you guys had it tough. But nothing you say will make me believe the Ark withheld medical care from kids.’ He scoffed and tore open his rations.

“Next time you see Abby, why don’t you ask her what she did when I was sick at age ten and my medical allowance ran out?” I wasn’t sure if the crew knew that almost all the Arkadians on board aged eighteen and under were criminals, so I wasn't going to confirm it for him. “You ask her if she looked my parents in the eye and told them to prepare for me to die while doing nothing but provide what they called compassionate care. Then get back to me.” I said in a neutral, dispassionate tone.

He looked like he was about to say something, but I called out to the next person in line, offering her a big smile; she didn’t need to suffer the consequences of my bad mood.

Miles moved on and went to sit with other crew members. When I saw some of Monty’s other friends… ones that did other nerdy stuff on the computers, I asked them if they knew where Raven was. Hoping I wouldn’t have to try to find her through her workstation again. They all burst out laughing and told me she was on the flight deck.

Why the hell was that so funny?

The third rotation seemed to last forever before I could get out and do my rounds again. I planned on finishing them at the flight deck so I could lecture Rey about forgetting her water and missing her midday rations. Emori tagged along, hoping to find Rey and ask if she could shadow her for the rest of her shift.

But when I arrived there, I stopped in my tracks at the door. Emori spun around and looked away. ‘What the hell!? Your people made videos of…. THIS!!!!’ She punched me square in the funny bone, sending pins and needles all the way to my fingertips. As if I were the one who made this… movie?

Bellamy Blake was standing… watching a tiny, perfect form half pint under a workstation… even in a sea of similar jumpsuits, I would recognise her. “Blake!” I called over the moaning and slapping flesh blasting from the overhead speakers. “What the hell is going on in here?”

‘That’s a long story, Murphy.’ He gave a half-amused and half-anxious smile. ‘Raven is trying to fix it now.’

•— Raven —•

“They wanted to play in a group with the so-called entertainment on the big screens” Shouting the reply over the sounds I’d become immune towards now. “See, the story wasn’t that long, Bells.” I could feel eyes on my arse making me add. “I swear if I find any one of your eyes on my arse. I will set the boom sticks to go off when you least expect them.”

There were murmurings coming from above me, however I didn’t care enough to listen to them. Pulling out the last of the connections, I let out a sigh of relief when the flesh pounding sounds stopped and I could hear nothing more than the noises of shifting bodies and the ship’s humming. “That’s better.” Muttering while shifting the weight off my hips and legs to stand myself up. I had to hold onto the desk for a few minutes when my head spun from the shooting pain, and the blood rush all hitting at once.

‘I always miss the fun when I don’t work the night shifts.’  Fritz Jacinto joked. But I knew in all the time the movie had been playing, he’d kept his eyes on his screen. “Hmm…. Sure…” finally turning to see all the relief on the faces looking back at me. “People in your times… Bloody nuts if you ask me.” I told him half smiling, and then I saw them stood by the door. John and Emori not looking so impressed they hadn’t come in completely. “Not your kinda fun guys?” I had to laugh. Because I was past being pissed now.

•— John —•

I smirked at Raven’s comments… not feeling the sting of her words because my eyes weren't on her arse but on the angle of her leg brace and the slight tremor in her thigh muscles. And okay sure! Her arse. But I knew that her pain radiated all the way up from her leg to her hip and back. I ignored the groaning about not checking her out in front of her psycho boyfriend and hoped it was far enough across the room from her, she hadn’t heard. By the way Bellamy’s eyes shifted to me, I figured he wasn’t sure if they meant him or me either.

She was going to be hurting today… and there wasn’t anything I could do in this room. The screens flicked to black. It was a relief… because the fact that it was extremely poor taste… it still… had an effect.

When she started manoeuvring out of the hole, I had to plant my feet hard to stop myself going to her. I could see Blake having a similar thought. At least that would keep the porno generation guessing.

I could see she was hurting, and I was completely unable to do anything about it that wouldn’t cross a line I knew she wouldn’t want to be crossed. Then her question snapped me out of it… Emori was finally looking back into the room. ‘I will never understand you Star Dwellers… you get weirder by the day.’ She shook her head.

‘Star Dwellers?’ The guy that had been speaking to Raven asked. I was sure I recognised him. ‘I like it… but most of us were born on earth. Like you, right?’ He was addressing Emori. And correctly too, as she was the only person in the room that wasn’t part of the crew that had been born on Earth.

‘Maybe on the same planet… but an entirely different world.’ Emori teased. The officer nodded, conceding to her point. I hoped to avoid commenting but then Blake looked at me and smirked.

‘Not a fan of twenty-first-century adult entertainment, Murphy?’ He asked.

I shook myself free of my thoughts and stepped fully into the room, reaching into my basket of rations. “I’m not sure that even the people making the entertainment were fans… everyone involved just looked angry. Like they would rather be anywhere else.” I replied, handing Bellamy his ration. “You missed your rotation…” Then I turned to Raven and smirked. “And shockingly! So did you!” The sarcasm dripped off every word as I handed her the silver packet.

Emori took the basket and offered to hand out the rest. When I told her it was fine, she reminded me that these people didn’t care about her hand… They might stare a little or be curious. But no one here would think she should die for a mutation caused by radiation. So, I handed it over and let her do it so I could check in on Raven.

Raven, who was holding onto the workstation for balance. All the chairs here seemed to be bolted in place so I couldn’t just pull one over for her. “Now that all that racket has stopped let’s take a break… I don’t know about you guys… but I haven’t had a minute to sit down all day.” Then I smirked. “Except for when I logged into Raven’s workstation… but that hardly counts. Cute password, by the way.” I grinned at her, fishing my own midday ration out of my pocket.

•— Raven —•

Bells took his food rations sliding himself on to the desk I’d been leant on. Smiling as he ripped it open. His eyes darted to John and then to me. ‘Why were you logged into Reye’s workstation? And how did you know her password?’

Setting my own ration down beside him, I took out a rag to wipe my hands. “Those are some good questions.” Raising my brows at John. “And now the unauthorised loggings make sense to me. Of course it was you. I should have bloody well known it. Who else would Ben trying to break into my account.”

There was no heat or malice in my words. It was a matter of fact, coated with some humour.

“Did you at least find what you were looking for?”

Picking up the packet and using my teeth to rip it open. “I would have come looking for my food at some point.” I continued quietly. “After fixing this one’s mess.” Nudging Bells

‘Hey!’ His grin growing just before his arm came around my waist pulling me up on the desk beside him. ‘I knew you’d help, and it wasn’t just me you know… the others were curious too… And I owe you one.’

•— John —•

I smirked at Bellamy and shrugged like I wasn’t going to answer, taking a bite of the rock-hard biscuit between my teeth. “Fuck, I miss my kitchen,” I mumbled. Then I just grinned at Raven. “It is really breaking in when you make it so easy?” I teased her, knowing she had layers of passwords for the things that mattered. I looked at Bellamy and answered his question… “I guessed… I could probably guess yours, too, Blake.” He just shook his head and laughed.

When Blake helped Raven to sit up on the workstation, I was relieved… Talking to Lizzie today had made me start to question if I was hovering too much. But honestly… I didn’t know how else to be. There was another mutter behind us, about how it was impossible to keep track of who was dating whom in Skaikru… It made me look back to Bellamy and Raven… but he’d helped her to sit and then removed his arm from around her.

What was I missing here?

Emori was deep in conversation across the room, and it seemed… comfortable. “And yes,” I said to Raven. “I did find what I was looking for… it was you. How do you think Lizzie found you with your water ration?”

Bellamy laughed. ‘Wow… you keep us guessing, Murphy, that’s for sure… Chef… Nurse… Good Guy… and now Hacker?’

“Guessing is not hacking… it's…. Typing.” And some seriously intense observation skills… but that was just survival. Then my brow quirked, and I looked at Bellamy.

“You were curious about twenty-first century porn?” I asked. “And decided that a group setting was the best place to indulge this?”

‘No!’ He shook his head. ‘We were looking for computer games and someone opened the wrong folder… but all the screens had been linked already and… shit got weird.’ I just burst out laughing and shook my head.

Emori joined us again and leaned on the workstation beside Raven. ‘Hey… would you mind if I shadowed you for the rest of your shift? I promise not to get in the way.’ She asked.

‘Wow… the world's first grounder mechanic? And they say we can’t all get along.” He grinned.

This caused both Emori and me to drop our gazes… it wasn’t that long ago Bellamy slaughtered three hundred sleeping warriors because he believed exactly that.

•— Raven —•

I smiled at the eye roll I saw taking place behind John’s shoulder, with an audible mutter. ‘Sure, right now he called it seriously intense observation skills. But back in our days. People called it stalking.’

Even the cough which followed the comment didn’t cover it from my ears. It really didn’t annoy me. Like John has said, maybe I’d made it easy, so it was breakable?

“Really, we shouldn’t have passwords, what if I decide I need to take a spacewalk and never come back? How is everyone here going to get into the systems?” Thinking out loud, but hells. It was a good point…  Of Course… Not the space walk and not coming back… but you know… people die… we knew this better than anyone.

Emori pulled my attention back from my thoughts and i nodded my head at her. “You got there before me… I’ve been meaning to catch up with you and ask if you still wanted to help. And it sounds like you do… so… yeah… please… it will get great to get some company on this ship… talking to myself is starting to get old.”

Did I mistake it or did Emori smile and look at me a little sheepishly? Her agreement came with a vigorousness out of her head. ‘Yeah… I’m still up to it… and I’m free for the rest of the day. If… you know… that’s not too much?’

Reaching out I squeezed her arm. “Rest of the day. We have a lot to do.” Shifting to move myself off the desk as I spoke.

‘Hey, where are you going.’ Bells held up my Ration. ‘At least stay long enough to eat?’

His question made me stop and think, but then Mile’s voice rang in my head. Would this count towards me holding my friends back? It couldn’t, right? If I was willing to show Emori how to learn something new… I’d be helping her to progress?

•— John —•

These people were really something. I just let the comments roll off my shoulders; few opinions mattered to me, and in this room, those were Emori’s and Raven’s. Bellamy’s wasn’t a concern to me… as long as he didn’t want me dead… again, we were cool.

Raven's jokes about her own death didn’t cut as deep as they used to, now that she had fixed herself. But the biggest thing was her promise to never leave me behind again, death by spacewalk… well, that would break her promise. Raven didn’t break those. But still… I couldn’t stop the flinch. “Don’t worry… I’m sure the crew have plenty of ways into the systems.” I still couldn’t bring myself to trust these people… not until I knew what really happened to the prisoners on this ship.

I watched as two of my favourite people bonded, and it was like a safety net being thrown out under me while I walked a tightrope. I knew that Raven would protect Emori like she was one of us. But Emori… the only person she trusted was me… and Luna to an extent. But I knew the more time she spent with Raven, the deeper their bond would be. I had learned the hard way that no one could survive alone in this world, and I was all she had… at least in her mind. And if something happened to me, she would need Raven. She would need someone else she loved, and I knew that was something she could have with her, someone other than me, who would die for her, and who would do the same for her. Raven could be that person, just like she was for me and for all of our people. And Emori could be that same thing for her.

I was grateful to Bellamy for telling Raven to stop and eat… As much as he had teased me about constantly reminding her about these things, he must have started to notice that there was, in fact, a good reason why I paid attention to this.

‘Yes, please.’ Emori smiled, glancing at me first. ‘I really don’t need to hear the lectures from John about skipping rations and all the math he had to do to work out the recipes for these…’ she held up the ration and wrinkled her nose.

‘Things.’

I laughed. “Oh, please, I have seen you mash up bugs in honey to eat them!”

‘Oh, you mean the thing that saved your life when you almost died of fever in the woods?’ She cocked her head, and I laughed again.

I looked sheepish and chuckled again. “I almost forgot about that…” We had gone through a lot in the few weeks we were alone in the wilderness after splitting from Jaha and his chipheads.

‘Honestly…’ Emori took a bite of her ration. ‘Honigraun’krola sounds so good right now.’ She swallowed thickly, and I offered her a swig from my water ration.

“Honey bugs.” I translated for Bellamy when his brows lifted higher than I would have thought possible.

‘And now I miss when John had a proper kitchen, too.’ Bellamy added with a fake gag.

My eyes moved up to Raven… after giving them a good, hard roll at Blake’s comment. “Have lunch with us, Stargazer. Then you drag this one off to do whatever it is you need to.” I winked at her. “I’ll have dinner waiting when you are done.”

•— Raven —•

What the hells…. The words… a thought, as I stood my eyes narrowing as I tried to think back as to when that would have happened.

John and my paths were very different back then. There was no love lost, or even the desire to be amicable. I didn’t let my heart or mind dwell on the fact that once upon a time I’d wished death on him, or how he must have felt the same about me. But right now, hearing that he had come close to death… something we all had… but hearing Emori joke with John about it… something deep in my body disliked the idea.

Okay… maybe honey bugs weren’t on my list of ‘Must try.’ But then again with our time on Earth, we’d all eaten whatever we got to survive.

“Hmm?” Bells, and Emori were looking at me with a concern. What had they seen? So, when I glanced at John, noticing how his baby blue had dulled since being up here. I nod my head once.

“Yeah… sure… I can finish lunch before we set off.”

Nodding my head once. This time leaning on the table beside the others. My hazel gaze moved around the room as some of the guys had left, and those who were due to work were getting on with it.

•— John —•

I could see her mind working and wondering about all the things that happened while I wasn’t at the dropship camp. I wondered what happened to her there, too…  I knew she had her heartbroken and saved every one of them… a lot. That was a time that I didn’t know her, a time when I hadn’t ever hurt her or caused her pain. Yet I couldn’t stop the feeling that this was better, knowing her… everything it cost to get here. It was better… and I think that Raven felt that too.

I smiled… I could tell it was going against her workaholic nature to stop when she was used to eating on the run.

But here she was, trying anyway. I smiled at her as we ate but shuffled awkwardly when some of the people came and went, said hello or goodbye, almost all of them addressed Raven by name, and a few said the same to me. Bellamy laughed at my awkwardness. ‘People tend to learn the names of those who feed them, Murphy.’ He shrugged.

That was when I squeezed myself between Bellamy and Raven to put a buffer between me and them. “I think I need a new job assignment,” I muttered, taking the last bit of my rations and washing it back with water.

‘Where?’ Emori scoffed. ‘You think the infirmary would make people like you less?’

“Maybe…” I teased. I elbowed Raven gently. “I managed to drive this one crazy.”

•— Raven —•

“Hey!” The last bite of my food was about to fall out of my hands until I caught it. “You didn’t dive me crazy… you drove me insane. There is a different.” Winking as I chewed on my small mouthful.

‘Yeah… I don’t get it. How the hells didn’t the two of you kill each our down there?’ Bells laughed.

‘Trust me, they tried.’ Emori scoffed, but it was in a joking manor.

“I take offence to that comment E….” Teasing her right back before my eyes landed on John again. “And he knows it. If I really wanted to kill him… I’d have found a boom stick and written his name on it.” But even as I said it, a small voice disagreed. Luna and John had made a place in my heart. One that wasn’t going to end without a fight.

TO BE CONTINUED....

[oktorpg]

The Moon or The Stars - Book 3 – Chapter 6 - Storyline 11 – Together

⊚ John ⊚

Coughs…

“Who said that?”

✭ Raven ✭

“Aww… John Murphy! Are you becoming all sweet and stuff for your little grounder love? Such a cutie.”

⊚ John ⊚

Confused...

"Wait..."

"My what now?"

✭ Raven ✭

Considering what I said. Seeing nothing wrong.

“You know…” Winking a couple of times. “Everyone knows, John.”

⊚ John ⊚

A little lost… “Everyone knows….”

I mean… Everyone knew, apparently! Everyone but Rey. “Everyone…”

Oh!!! Oh… fuck!!!

✭ Raven ✭

Looks at him with my smile falling a little.

“Yeah… Everyone… you know… about your crush…”

Trying to keep it all light and fun.

⊚ John ⊚

Crush… wait she knew!?

“You…” no… she said grounder? What?

Did she mean Luna or Emori, like Bellamy and the others teased me about?

“Have you been listening to Blake and his fan club?”

✭ Raven ✭

Laughing, and nudging him with my elbow.

“Chill, Watcher, no one is saying anything bad or anything like that. And they weren’t really telling me. It’s just hard to not overhear things sometimes.”

⊚ John ⊚

I visibly relaxed… nudging her right back.

“Well, you know… listening to what you overhear isn't the best source of information.” I grinned. I couldn't tell her there was no crush…. Even if crush wasn't a nearly strong enough word. “There’s no grounder. People just talk because I live with two girls.”

I shrugged.

“It's not like I planned for all my friends to be girls… it just happened.”

✭ Raven ✭

“Are you saying I’m on the outs with all the good information around here?”

Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me. I liked to keep my head down and get on with what’s important. Talk and gossip weren’t high on my list of priorities.

“And please! You live with kick-arse girls. Who could crush anyone with just a look.”

I’d didn’t occur to me until now what his circle of chosen friends would look like to others.

“There is nothing wrong with your choice of friends. Who you see as your family. Don’t worry about what’s being said.”

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed... “Oh hell yeah!! But not because they are keeping things from you… you just tend to concentrate on stuff and focus on what’s important.” I nudged her. “And I don't mean your work... You focus on people individually.”

I shrugged. “Hey, I have no issue with it… I honestly never thought about it until Blake brought it up.” I lowered my voice.

“Have you noticed the crew have this weird thing about gender? Like if a guy and girl are close they must be sleeping together or wishing they were?” Genuinely curious about the gender discrepancy I noticed.

✭ Raven ✭

Nudging him right back, I laughed with him until his last comment hit some kind of a chord in my head.

Pulling my eyebrows together recalling…

“You know what. Yeah. I noticed it with some of them looking at Jax a funny way too.” It didn’t phase my friend or me. “It’s as though they expect us to conform to a certain standard.” Thinking about Luna and Harper's bad-arse shooting skills. “Miles joked about it all, one night. How a guy and a gal cannot be friends. What rubbish. Look at us.” Nudging his shoulder again.

⊚ John ⊚

“It's weird… I mean we saw that stuff in movies, and they talked about it in earth history… but meeting people that lived through it is strange…” I was glad to change the subject.

“Lizzie told me all about coming out to her parents about dating girls… she nearly cried when I told her; no one does that anymore... Not grounders, not Skaikru. That we just fancy who we fancy and hope they like us back.”

✭ Raven ✭

“She did?” My heart sank even thinking about the kind-hearted woman who had been tricky to deal with at the start. However, when she opened up herself there was no going back.

“Could you imagine needing to do something like that? To tell people who you love and why?”

⊚ John ⊚

I could see the heartache in her eyes... so I didn't fill her in on the things Lizzie filled me in on... like entire nations getting to vote on who was allowed to marry who and so on. Like it would affect the whole world if two people married and had the same parts. It was baffling.

"I guess it's a silver lining right? Now she can experience a world where she doesn't need to explain herself to anyone. She said she fought for equality like that, all her life. Now she sees that she won... made a difference. Even if the world had to end first."

✭ Raven ✭

I couldn’t gauge the difference between now and then. Sure, it was astounding when movies from the past only showed love in a certain way. Songs were only written for a specific audience. But it wasn’t something we had to fight for. We loved who we loved, and no one had a problem or a say.

“It really boggles my mind, the audacity of people to believe they have a right to tell another person who to love and be with. I… yeah… silver lining…” shaking my head.

“Did you ever think we would see a silver lining in our life now?”

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed and shook my head. Sure, the silver lining wasn't really for us... Lizzy might have been the only one left from her generation who could possibly understand it... but still. It was something, right?

"Honestly.... and you probably won't believe me... but, yeah. I did." I chuckled... shocking myself at the truth in the statement.

"When people like you... Luna, Emori... Abby... even Harper still exists... there will be silver linings to find. Not easily but they are out there."

Okay, sure I was pissed at Abby right now... but it is still true.

✭ Raven ✭

Rolling my eyes like the pro that I was at it. I nudged him with my shoulder.

“I’d tell you to shut up, but we both know you’re right… we are the silver lining to all the promises that are made in our dysfunctional family.”

Half teasing, and half kinda owning up to the fact that the girls in our group were very happy to help wherever and whenever it was needed.

“So, what’s my prize? I don’t have anything to show for this new title.”

I hadn’t forgotten about his comment, but. I could wait for him to tell me himself.

⊚ John ⊚

I rolled my eyes harder and laughed. "That was not what I meant!" I teased her... but I kind of did. "I just meant that people like you find the silver linings! The fact that I noticed this was a fluke. I'm sure my regularly scheduled pessimism will resume any minute now."

I tilted my head and thought about it... "A prize?" Then I had an idea. I pulled out the journal Jackson was still making me write and slipped a loose piece of paper from between the pages.

I pulled on the flattened folds gently and it took shape with ease. "Jackson makes me make these sometimes. Says it calms the mind." I handed her the little paper bird. "Your prize!" I grinned.

✭ Raven ✭

“That’s what you say now? Back then you were all. ‘Oh Raven, keep it up so I can reaper stick your arse.” Laughing at the way I attempted to sound like him.

“HOW MANY did you make?” The words came clobbering out of my mouth. Brows shoot up in surprise. I mean it didn’t look hard to make. But there must be some trick to getting it so crisp.

“Uhm… I mean I can see how Jax may have a point. You were cooking for everyone. Making things we never heard or thought of before. So… yeah… I get it.”

Eyes back on the little bird resting on the palm of my hand. “Creating something so.. fragile.. it gives you time to stop. Think. And maybe even appreciate each fold.”

⊚ John ⊚

I raised a single brow at her impression of me. Then I grinned. “You know… it was always more fun to threaten you, than when I actually had to use them on you.” I laughed. “Not including the first time… that was just…” Terrifying. But I didn’t go there. She only remembered it as a passenger. Which was probably even more terrifying.

“Well, I mean that depends on… if you mean how many looked like birds? Or how many looked like THAT bird… because if it's the last one then… I guess, I made one.” I chuckled remembering the pile of papers Jackson and I cleared away, trying to think of how they could be recycled. But ultimately it was Jackson’s problem. And it had been a pretty fun session too… that didn’t stop me from leaving him with a stack of crumpled papers to figure out what to do with, though.

 I started to think about the process again, how when I slowed down and took it one crease at a time; I created the little figure… and now here it was… making someone smile. Just like my food did. “Fuck’s sake!” I muttered. “If you tell Jackson he was right I’ll deny it to my last breath. This stays between us.”

✭ Raven ✭

“Oh… oh… I see now… I see how it is between us... John Murphy… revenge is best served cold. Or so I’ve read.” Giving him the very same eyebrow as he gave me.

When in truth, I knew. I knew that he and Luna had done everything in their power to stop me from killing myself. And my heart knew I couldn’t repay them for it. Their hard work and dedication kept me alive long enough for me to finally find a way out of the mess I’d been plunged into.

Seeing a glint of something close to … I wasn’t sure what. Maybe fondness? “No… they all count.” Holding my hand up, with the little bird.

 “We know better than anyone, that perfect doesn’t mean anything. All the ones who have something broken are the ones who we should love and cherish a little more.”

Hells… none of us were perfect in any way. Then… I burst out laughing so hard, I felt my chest opening, joy filling it, with tears in my eyes.

“Blackmail materials?” I wouldn’t ever use it against him.

“What’s it worth? Keeping your secrets?” I’d do it for free. It wouldn’t go any further.

⊚ John ⊚

“Maybe I’ll nick one from Abby’s medical bag and use it on you just for shits and giggles… I think that would be way more fun than when you were possessed or seizing.” I teased her. “I bet I could even find a grounder or two to give you a great big tattoo while you were out cold.”

Then there was that laugh… the one that made my heart stop for a moment before it lurched and beat harder than before. The gold in her eyes brightened and all those constant hints of pain vanished for a while. “Just my undying love and devotion,” I said… like it was a joke… like she wasn’t the only reason that my heart could still beat, never mind race the way it was now.

“But now I kind of feel bad that Jackson took all the broken birds to be recycled.” I thought about what she said. I knew she wasn’t talking about the actual folded pieces of paper. And I knew that nothing I said to her would be turned into a weapon against me… That was something I never had to fear with her.

✭ Raven ✭

“Hey!” Punching him playfully on the arm. “You don’t need to go threatening me like that. Friends are meant to be… you know… nice!”

If we ever changed this dynamic between us I would take us both to the med room for a full check-up. Something would have gone wrong! Seriously wrong!!

He made me laugh again. “Undying love, and devotion? Is that what we are calling it now? I’m sure if I gave it some thought, I’d find a list of other things to name it.”

My laugh became a smile. “True beauty is found in the broken and the cracks.” Something I was learning.

“Do you know that for centuries the people of Japan believed in not hiding what was broken.” Moving my hands in a circle before me keeping the bird held between my fingers.

“If a bowl broke. They fixed it. But they didn’t hide the cracks. They enhanced them, by painting them gold.”  Trying to remember what it was called my eyebrows pulled together.

“They called it Kintsugi…. Or … Kintsukuroi… it’s in one of Becca’s journals… it looks beautiful… to show your broken but on the mend.”

⊚ John ⊚

“Nice… When have we ever been nice? Brutally honest… outright angry… empathic… sarcastic… understanding…” My eyes moved to hers. “Protective.” I chuckled. “All words I would use. But Nice? Maybe I did Reaper-stick you a few too many times.”

I said nothing… I just let her assumptions sit… let her believe it exactly as I intended to. Once again… my cowardice crushing my own heart. When she spoke of gold and mending things I felt like the life support system was malfunctioning the way it had on the Ark. That feeling of breathing in and filling your lungs only the air was oppressively thin, not enough oxygen. But no one else was alarmed. I figured it was in my head.

I laughed, then… her nerding out filling the room with oxygen again and the mention of gold had me leaning closer and looking into those gold-flecked hazel eyes. I couldn’t help it, there was an immense feeling of happiness. That feeling that our friendship was no longer mending… but fixed. I felt like I was on a cord.. swinging from one mood to the next.

“They used gold to repair things… hmm…” I watched her eyes brighten. “I wonder how many times you have mended yourself then? All that gold. Beautiful and unbroken.” My fingers twitched, wanting to touch her cheek… her hand… anything.

✭ Raven ✭

“All those things mean 𝐍𝐢𝐜𝐞 in our love language, John Murphy.” Giving him the mother of all eye rolls. “That’s the joy of naming and building your relationships… you… Luna… Harper…. Jax…. All of us… we all have a special mix that makes us who we are.”

Pushing my elbow into his side. “You and Emori. You guys have your own mix that makes you guys who you are to each other. Bell and I have our own. Griff and… well you get it, right?”

It wasn’t until I felt him leaning into me, that my eyes moved to see how he was looking at me. I was uncertain, about what he was seeing, or was he in a serious search for something in my features? So, I waggled my eyebrows at him.

“Keep coming closer, Watcher. You’ll be stepping into my boots soon.” Laughing at the fact the man wasn’t in personal space with me at that time. Nodding my head slowly, because I could swear I saw a flash of fear in those sea blue eyes of his, and I didn’t want to push him away from our friendship at all.

“Well… not gold… Gold-coloured paint. I mean they did use gold once upon a time. But then it became too expensive.

⊚ John ⊚

I chuckled. “That’s exactly what I just said!” I teased and poked her. “Just with less fancy words.”

I chuckled at her lacklustre reaction to my invasion of her space. If it actually bothered her she would simply move away. But She didn’t… she hadn’t moved away from me in a deliberate way in so long that I could hardly remember. Was it the night she split my lip?

I mean, she had clearly moved away from me… but it was never about getting away from me… she was moving across a room… or going to work. “I think we gave up on personal space the second time I had to revive you, Reyes.” Then I smirked. “Besides if I was really annoying you… your eyes would be much darker.” I smiled and gave her a little space… well, okay… it was for me too. Before I did something silly I couldn’t take back.

✭ Raven ✭

“No… that's what I said and then you disagreed with it.” Crossing my arms in front of me when he moved back away.

“We are adding no space to the life of things we now do in this friendship, watcher?” Eyeing him closer than before. But then my eyes dropped.

“My eyes don’t do that do they?” The doubt creeping its way in now. Did he really know so much about my eyes?

“Reyes? Did you just call me Reyes?” My hands flew up to my neck. “Not Raven. Or Rey, or even Stargazer? I feel betrayed!” Teasing in my voice, I didn’t mind the names.

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed and gave in. Because she was probably right, and I was far too distracted now to come up with a nearly coherent rebuttal. “No more space…” I said with a smile. “I do better with you calling me out on my bullshit.” My words tumbled out far too fast. Shit! Should I have said that? It wasn’t fair to put that on her shoulders. She had enough to deal with without being made responsible for my shitty decisions.

“You’re the one that nicknamed me The Watcher, for noticing these kinda things… So…” I smirked. “If you think I'm wrong… then I guess that's kinda like admitting you were wrong about it too!” I teased her.

I laughed at her exaggerated offence. “You forgot about, Pigeon.” I laughed. “I have a few other names I could call you too…” I smiled… because she would always and forever be my Stargazer. My stomach tightened at the memory of the night by the pool. Her feet were in the unnaturally blue water, the ripples on the surface casting shadows on her face in a way that made me examine each of her features in the shadow and the light, while she told me all about the constellations and the stories humans made up about their origins. I was still too afraid then to even take off my boots.

✭ Raven ✭

“Too right I would. I’ve tried letting you work out the BS from the not-so-BS, and look where that got us.” As soon as I said it, my heart dropped, and my hands fisted.

My head flashed back to the way I was told he had been locked up on this ship, at the way I ran knowing how being locked would make him feel. With the guilt of leaving him to fend for himself. And then… his eyes behind the bars. The way he looked, and tried to hide his fear, and then it all came rushing out.

A cold shiver took hold of me, and I shook it off. Just picking up on the rest of the conversation.

“We both know I’m not wrong often, so let’s go with the fact that I was right in this incident.”

Arching my eyebrow at him, I shook my head. “Pigeon…” my heart sank again. “You haven’t used that one in a long while. I’d figured it was gone.” Smiling a little. “Do I even want to know which other names you have saved up for me?”

⊚ John ⊚

I smiled at her. “I promise I will learn to make good choices alone… but it's just… taking a while.” I shook my head. “I think my problem was that when I only cared about me… I made selfish choices. Then when I found people I cared about… I only cared about them. Protecting them… and… according to my shiny new therapist, I do that in the most extreme ways. And damn the consequences.”

 I took her hand and smiled at her. “Raven… you didn’t do anything wrong… you were angry. I disappointed you. I disappointed myself… I did a stupid thing, it scared you. Clearly scared myself too. Maybe we both made bad decisions that day… but mine was the cause of it all.” I shrugged a little. “And maybe it was for the best… at least now I have a name for it. Right? It’s a start. I remember how mad I felt sometimes when you risked your safety, your health…

I chuckled then… “Well, I might have used the lab computers to look up a pigeon… and they were not pretty. So, it didn’t suit you. But Raven’s… they were mysterious, and they apparently symbolise insight and prophecy. And that…” I squeezed her fingers again. “That suits you much more.” Then I pointed at the paper bird… “But this one. This is a crane, and they are a symbol of good fortune and immortality.”                                       

✭ Raven ✭

“Well… Hells… John. You kind of took the wind out of my sails there.” My hazel eyes took him in as he spoke so well about the journey we were both learning to navigate. “I bet Jax would be proud to hear what you just told me. It’s a long road you are walking. But Hells. “You’re working damn hard.”

I couldn’t and wouldn’t disagree with his statement, but it was on both our heads at best. But then again, he wasn’t the only one who had some learning to do.

“I will cherish this little one. It will take a positively prideful position.” Even if I hadn’t ever seen a pigeon in my life. It was John Murphy handing out the nickname. I never expected the bird to be some beautiful creature. It had to be something that didn’t match up to a Raven.

“Whatever the name, it’s the hope and enjoyment it gives you that counts in the end. So, a Raven, a pigeon or a crane. They all symbolise something good about our lives. At least that’s how I see it.”

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed… How did this woman manage to make me feel better about being so reliant on her when she was all about her own independence? “Oh, I’m sorry! I will continue to be a constant burden to you.” I said it like it was a promise. But I knew it wasn’t truly what she wanted from me.

I smiled at her… was she seeing a change in me? She saw me like no one else… she called me out and didn’t let me hide behind my sarcasm or let me away with not pulling my weight because people assumed I was useless. If she thought I was getting better it had to mean something.

“I mean it was fun… more fun than the ‘Tell me about your mother’ sessions.” I half chuckled and half sighed. “But seeing your reaction to it was even better. You’re always so…” Hell! There were too many words. “… Gracious.”

✭ Raven ✭

Waving my free hand in the air. I wanted so much for him.

I wanted mostly for my friend to be safe and healthy. I’d seen the dullness in his eyes, seeing what the fear of being left behind did to him… and I didn’t want to see that pain in those eyes again.

“Please, we both know better.” Rolling my eyes once before half smiling.

“There is nothing gracious between us. It’s more of a…” trying to find the perfect words. “….Well, it’s more the fact that… like you said… it’s good to keep your arse from getting into trouble.”

⊚ John ⊚

I rolled my eyes right back at her because sometimes ten-year-old logic just made sense, and I had already given her a few nudges today and I didn’t want to overtax her hip. I smiled at her then though. “But seriously… I never felt like I had anything of value to give to another person before… but you… I could hand you something that means the world to you or a piece of paper… and you… just…” I didn’t have the words. What was it?  Grateful? I mean, yes she always was… but it wasn’t that. It was something that came from me, not her.

“Make me feel like I have something worthy to offer… I never felt that before the island.”

✭ Raven ✭

I turned away from John and began walking. Standing in one place for too long hurts after a while. With no destination in mind, I listened and nodded my head.

“I guess it has more to do with the intention..” thinking about my words as I said them. “That intention is where the true value of an object comes from. Or at least it does for me.” Holding up the small paper bird. “Be it this, or a rock, or a tab with books to read, or music, with a jar of hundred-year-old chocolate spread.”

Glancing back to see if he understood me.

“We have nothing to share but what is in our hearts, John. It would be heartbreaking if someone didn’t approve or appreciate a gift.”

⊚ John ⊚

I thought about what she said… not following her until I knew if she was just pacing to keep the blood flowing or if she truly needed to move. The list… it was all things that I had given her… I smiled. “I guess having nothing to give was a good thing, I never had anyone reject a gift either.” I started to follow her then when she was still moving. “Let’s go find a room with a view or something,” I suggested, knowing those rooms would also have a place to sit.

“I think you might be the only person I have ever given anything to, now that I think about it… I mean other than food… but I don’t think that counts… and I suppose Emori when we were stealing to survive.”

I chuckled to myself then… her words replaying in my head. “You remember all of those things?” I smirked. “I really am living rent-free in your head aren’t I?” I teased her.

✭ Raven ✭

That earned him a roll of my eyes. (It was becoming a reoccurrence with his comments.)

“Rent-free?” Giving him a questioning look as I pushed the button on the door waiting for it to slide open.

“Just because I about had my brain melt away, doesn’t mean I don’t remember.” Pushing my hands into the pockets of the jumpsuit I wore.

“You don’t need to get a big head. I also remember the things other people gave me too. If you want me to list them, I can.”

He was something, his cheek was coming back which I took as a good sign. “Also, food counts. You didn’t need to step up and do anything. But you chose to take the task that gave people hope, health, and joy at times too. Feeding us when we didn’t know what we were doing… it counts.”

Walking in the silent corridor, the sounds of the ship keep us company for now.

⊚ John ⊚

I quirked a brow at her eye roll. It was a good thing… it was normal. Well, no… nothing between her and I had ever been 𝕟𝕠𝕣𝕞𝕒𝕝… but it was how we had always been. At least, how we have been after we stopped fighting one another and started working together to keep her alive. She was hiding her pain again… she hid her hands… a habit I had noticed… but I wasn’t sure if it was to hide fists clenched against the pain or if it was because they shook. I was still working that out, but given the work she did… I was betting it was the former, if there was one thing Raven knew how to do it was to keep her hand steady. We stepped through the door she’d opened. I followed her.

I set that thought to the side. “I wasn’t actually shocked you remembered… I’m just… I guess I’m not used to being noticed.” I chuckled darkly. “When people do notice me… It normally means they want me dead? So, I got really good at not being noticed.” I realised then I was following her, not paying attention to where we were heading. I still wasn’t as familiar with this ship as she was, but I was committing what I could to memory so I couldn’t get led somewhere I really didn’t want to be. I was letting my guard down… Was that a good thing? No… I needed to be more aware. I had to be to keep her safe. I straightened, taking note of where we were, the empty hallways, and how many doors we passed.

“Yeah… it was strange… seeing the change in everyone… their faces mostly. Especially the girls… but…” I sighed. “These rations… I’m already noticing people losing weight. Harper… Abby…” And of course… Raven. But she knew that all too well as well. I knew we needed to conserve the food… when we finally got back to earth there might not be a natural food source. We would need to feed people while fields were planted… while shelters were built and hunting parties sent out. But it felt wrong to me… I had been spoiled on the island.

✭ Raven ✭

That comment stung, even though it wasn’t aimed at me. A flash of a time before I cared to know this boy flicked in my memory. Biting on my lips I kept my eyes on the corridor ahead.

“People have their own ways, but when you feed someone. It’s a sure way towards trust. I mean, think about it. If you wanted to... You could have poisoned us all. You could have played with us and made us sick. But you didn’t. And everyone who sat around that table to eat with you. They had to trust you. Otherwise… they would have found and cooked their own food.”

It was as painful and simple as I could consider the facts.

“Hmm… yeah… it’s not hard to notice the change. After the… well the pace we had on the island… it’s harder this time around.” We had all been spoilt.

Stopped at a crossway, I went quiet trying to recall where that small hold with the view of the earth had been. I’d taken John there once before. And then I remembered.

A few more steps, to the elevators. “Level 3,” I whispered, looking up at the arrows above the doors.

⊚ John ⊚

 I laughed. “And let the poisoned throw off my perfectly balanced flavours?” I  honestly had no idea what that meant. But I had read it in one of the cookbooks in Becca’s kitchen. The first thing I tasted on earth was half charred panther meat and at the time… it was the best thing I ever tasted. Even if it did take a whole day just to chew my chunk. My skills developed rather quickly once I learned how to catch my dinner and not dig for it under rocks.  But by the time we reached the island… my murdering days were behind me. Not that I wouldn’t have killed to protect the others and myself… but that didn’t fall into the murder category in my opinion.

I waited with her, examining her for more signs of pain… maybe once we were inside I could let her lean on me again like the last time. Let her have a small break from the pressure on her leg. I had missed which call button she pressed though. Not that it mattered; I trusted her.

When the doors opened I exhaled too loudly. Shaw was inside with a crew member whose name I still didn’t know. So that plan was out the window.

“Good evening, Officer,” I smirked and saluted him. Dammit!!! So much for trying not to be a dick to him.

✭ Raven ✭

“Of course.” I was smiling, listening to him and hearing his truth. It gave me proof of how much we had all grown to care for one another.

When the doors opened I stopped myself just before tumbling into Miles.

‘Watch your step.’ He smiled down at me.

“Sorry! I didn’t expect  to find anyone on the elevator at this time.” I told him.

I followed his eyeline to John and frowned giving John the eye. The one that shouted; ‘𝘽𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛!’

‘Good evening, Raven. Are you heading up or down?’ He chose to speak with me. I’d guess he’d not appreciate the salute John gave him. He stepped back into the box making room for me beside him.

I smiled at the other crew member before answering. “John and I are headed up.”

Stepping inside, I reached out and grabbed a hold of John’s hand pulling him inside too. Miles places his finger over the number panel waiting for me to give him a number.

“Three please.”  He pressed the button smiling.

‘We are just heading up to the bridge to take the night shift.’ The crew member said.

⊚ John ⊚

Raven gave me her evil eye and I winked at her… mostly because I knew she would take it as a sarcastic comment. But Shaw? I grinned to myself, that was a different story…

Before I could comment on how I always go down first; Raven had told him the opposite. And she had taken my hand, tugging me along with her and making me forget there was anyone else present. My thumb brushed across the back of her knuckles with ease until she spoke. Then, I remembered we weren’t alone. I leaned against the wall and pulled her next to me, resting my arm and shoulder against hers so she could lean on me before the lift did that thing that made your stomach rise and fall when it started. These lifts were pretty smooth from her hard work on them… but it was an unsteady moment for most, so I tried to wordlessly tell her to lean on me if she wanted to. I still had her hand… the other crew member glanced at them, then looked away again. The people from their century had a serious thing about physical contact between males and females. No wonder Lizzy hid the fact she liked girls for so long.

“A night shift with Miles?” I said to the other guy. “Did you pull the short straw?” I teased and then stopped abruptly. What the hell was wrong with me?

To my surprise, the guy laughed and then stopped as abruptly as I had when he looked at Miles. He cleared his throat. ‘I didn’t think the kitchen staff worked this late… don’t you have to start your shifts really early?’ He would know that I worked there… everyone on this tin can had received rations from me. And I knew I had delivered some to the bridge to this same man when there wasn’t anyone to relieve him for his assigned meal time. ‘Where you headed?’

“I was never much of a sleeper and I’m just following our genius mechanic to wherever she wants to go.” I smiled, a petty part of me wanting to lift our clasped hands. But the part that loved Raven more than I hated Shaw won. Her hand in mine was not a weapon or a tool of spite. It was her hand…. in mine. Mine in hers.

  ✭ Raven ✭

The moment the elevator moved; my stomach rose into my mouth. But I liked it. There was a small thrill when the motion began and stopped.

Leaning into the pull which came from my side, knowing without the need to glance that John had done his normal move. Where he gave me ways to take my weight off my body without making a show of it. And even with it being an unspoken action. The No explanation needed kind. This was part of our friendship before the shit hit the fan.

I had to smile to myself looking between the three men. Only then noticing Miles's smile had dimmed when his eyes moved over me.

I frowned arching my eyebrow in question. But he averted his gaze. Without saying anything.

The frown line on my forehead deepened as I tuned into the conversation taking place between the crewman and John.

⊚ John ⊚

Just because I didn’t react to her leaning on me didn’t mean I didn’t notice… it gave me that warm sensation in my chest. I leaned close to Raven and whispered. “I could learn to like this one.”

The number four above the door lit up and I slipped my hands behind Raven in a gesture no one would really notice… well… an Arkadian wouldn’t but Shaw’s generation were seemingly hyper-fixated on physical contact. The elevator stopped at three and I added a little pressure to my touch, just to support her pushing off the wall… she was capable of the rest. This was just what I could do without anyone paying attention. “Reshop yo.” (Goodnight you two.) I said as we exited the lift without really realising I had slipped into Trig. “Um… I mean… Night. Don’t work too hard.”

‘You think it’s simple keeping this thing in orbit?’ Shaw asked and I was completely unable to read his expression… wasn’t it maintaining orbit on its own before Ray woke them up? I had a feeling that saying that would not fall under the category of trying not to be an arsehole, though.

“Um… Then work very hard I guess?” Shit… that was arsehole-y, right? But then the doors were sliding closed. Thank the Stars for that!

“Was it just me or was that awkward as fuck?” I asked Raven.

✭ Raven ✭

The other crew member gave us a quick good night. However, my eyes lingered on Miles. He gave me a pained look. One I couldn’t quite understand. It’s not like any look Luna, or Abby, or even Bells would give me. Those I knew right away.

However, before I could ask. The doors closed, leaving me and John on the other side.

“Yeah…” the crease in the middle of my forehead deepened as I contemplated the last five minutes. “That wasn’t…. Uhm…. Normal?” Was ‘normal’ even something we could have any more? Maybe… someday….

“Do you think I should go and offer to help them?” I asked before I could stop myself. And then quickly shook my head. “No… they will be fine.” I had plans. If sitting on a view deck with your friend was classed as ‘Plans’ at least.

⊚ John ⊚

Miles didn’t look happy; I knew it was because Raven hadn’t let go of my hand in the lift. His people… his generation… it was hardly my fault that the assumed physical touch meant intimacy. But his wounded pride wasn’t misplaced, our closeness was proof that our relationship was a whole lot deeper than anything he built with her in the days he’d known her. Then there was everything we had survived together… he would never know her like I did… even if she did pick him.

Not that it was really picking because she had no idea either of us had feelings for her. I squeezed her hand. “If you wanna go help out I’ll walk up there with you…” I told her… the words came easily because I would rather her be where she felt she should be. Even if it made my stomach churn. I meant it, I would take her up there… but I wouldn’t stay… I would only be in the way. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to control my sarcasm in front of Shaw. “But it sounded like a pretty routine shift. And you’ve done more than your share today.” I stopped walking and stepped in front of her, stopping her too. “Where do you want to be right now Rey? There’s no wrong answer.”

I meant this too, I had spent so long telling her where she needed to be, when she needed to sleep, take a break, eat… drink… all in the name of saving her life… or prolonging it at the time. That was done. She could be herself now… make her own choices. She hadn’t gotten to do that for so long, I wasn’t about to make her feel guilty about ducking out on me to be productive.

✭ Raven ✭

I stopped abruptly, my free hand reaching out to hold myself from falling into John.

“Jeez John! Give me some warning!” Smirking as my hazel eyes met his gaze as he asked me the question.

I felt taken aback at the soulful expression in his blue eyes locked onto me. Why did it feel as though there had been more to this question than had been voiced?

Was I imagining it? I must have been.

Tilting my head to the side I narrow my gaze a little. “I thought I had just told you the answer. I want to be here.” What was I missing? Something…  it seemed to be a running joke these days with me. Missing the clear line drawn in the sky, I saw nothing.

“Unless…” wait… shit! “Unless you have plans… in which case you go… don’t worry about keeping me company.”

Wait… wasn’t it me who was keeping him company?

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed a little and took the hand she had caught herself with in my free one. “Steady now Stargazer… and all this time, you claimed to be immune to my charms and yet here you are… swooning.” I teased and stepped backwards still holding her hands.

I shook my head at her and laughed. “This little trip was my idea remember?” I quirked a brow. I know that look in her eyes was about this imaginary girlfriend she thought I had. Even though I probably should have let her keep thinking that; I couldn’t… besides in Raven’s view; the greatest wrong a person could do was lie. “No plans… no one is missing me. Well, other than this last-minute plan with you. But I know you’re a workaholic and I know I was joking about needing constant supervision. But I…” I exhaled heavily… maybe I should lay all bare… or almost all, at least. “I spent a lot of time on Earth taking away your choices. And I don’t want to do that anymore. If you feel like you should be doing something else… then I want you to know you can tell me.”

✭ Raven ✭

“Wh… ho…. Oh…. Like hells! Swooning my arse cheek! You wish I was all up in your… well.. whatever you think it is you pull on the females… and some males too.”

It was my turn to tease because I knew him well enough to know when he was trying to get a reaction out of me. Well. That was until John Murphy decided to tell me what he was really thinking.

Curling my fingers into his, with a squeeze and a tug to make sure he was paying attention.

“Hey. It’s okay. I’m sure someone, somewhere is waiting on you.” Winking with a shake of my shoulders.

“And don’t do that.” Tugging on his hand again. “Don’t hold the actions you took, to save me from myself, and weaponize them against yourself. Because I really don’t hold them against you in any way. I’m here, alive, and ready for the next crazy situation.  All thanks to the things you made me do.”

⊚ John ⊚

I chuckled at her. “Nah… your immunity is fading more and more every day. Another year and you will be under my spell.” I waggled my brows at her.

It’s okay. I’m sure someone, somewhere is waiting on you.

That sank in deep… but it didn’t cut like I would have thought. “I don’t think I want to think of it like that… like waiting… that sounds… lonely. Things will happen or they won’t.” I knew I was on a pathway to being alone… at least in the sense, she was talking about right now. But I could be okay with that. I had Rey… not the way I dreamed about, but I had her… I had Luna and Emori… things could be a whole lot worse.

I smiled when she essentially admitted I was right about her needs on earth… Yes! That is basically what she said. I was right. “Don’t get me wrong… I’m not sorry… I don’t regret it. And if it ever comes to it…” I locked baby blue eyes on hers. “I would do it again. But right now… I don’t need to, you are safe… and we can just… Let you do what you do best.” My smile turned cheeky. “Boss everyone else around.” Then with just a hint of seriousness. “For real though… I’ll never stop you from trying to get your work done… I’ll judge you… mock you… and bug you relentlessly. But I won’t stop you.” Okay, so the serious tone petered off there at the end.

✭ Raven ✭

“We are all on our own and lonely at some points in life. It’s just how it is… And some of us.” (Me!) “Are meant to be.”

I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but there it was. The truth of being on your own with people who always seemed to find others to share their nights with. Nodding my head once as we walked. I knew he was right about not ever stopping me from working.

“Yeah, I know. But now in hindsight, I get it. Even if I cursed you at the time. A little.”

Walking in silence the whole loneliness conversation stuck with me heavily, and unexpectedly.

The lights in the ship had been changed. I had worked out how to change them from chasing a person to going dim. Then for them to sense someone before they even came down a corridor. It saved energy, and wouldn’t give those suffering nightmares from the dark. When we came to the doors we wanted, I pushed the button. These doors slid open with ease, with no heavy noises to wake the dead.

Making me smile because these were small things I’d been working on after everyone went to sleep.

⊚ John ⊚

Okay, that burned… and I knew… I knew that she didn’t mean I was meant to be alone… she was only ever casually cruel to herself… but at the same time… I knew I WAS meant to be alone. Otherwise, why would be in love with the one person I deserve the least in this tiny subset of humanity left alive on this ship?

As the doors she halted before opened, I looked around… “Wait… did you…” I watched as another section of lights behind us dipped but didn’t go out… I hadn’t imagined it. “Did you fix the lights?” Okay, they were never broken… but they were creepy as all hell. “Jeez… Rey… Do you ever take a day off?” It sounded like a normal conversation… but I was worried… had she done this on every level? Was it a coding thing or did she physically reconfigure each section on each floor by herself? I squeezed her hand again… trying to ease my concern with her presence.

✭ Raven ✭

My hazel eyes dipped to the squeeze at my hand, before glancing back over my shoulder to the corridor we left behind as it turned down into energy saving.

“They weren’t broken, John.” Toning the conversation down as if it weren’t a big deal. “It was upsetting some of the people onboard. The little ones especially.”

Not a lie, they didn’t like the way the lights chased them. And nor did he. But I knew, he wouldn’t be happy if I told him I didn’t because of the fear I witnessed in his eyes. It hurt like a stab in the chest. “Nah… Sleep is for the weak.” Chuckling a little before stepping into the observation deck.

The lights in here remained dim, it was the best way to look out into the vast space before us.

⊚ John ⊚

“I know…” I said, too fast… too… shaky. Here I was making promises not to tell her how and when she should choose to work. But now all I could think about was taking her back to her room and playing music until she fell asleep… watching to make sure she stayed that way… one hand on her back between her shoulder blades to keep the nightmares away.

“H—how?” I swallowed thickly wanting to clear the worry from my voice. “How… um… does it work… is it computerised or something?” I mean I was sure that was still difficult, but nothing like the other option. I knew what she meant… it was upsetting for me… and I didn’t know what was stronger; the warmth it caused in my chest or the stress that coiled in my stomach that she put herself under pressure like that for me. I knew she was right… I hadn’t witnessed it, but of course, it scared the kids.

I stepped inside with her. The moon was huge… the lights in here stayed low and the soft, almost blue glow of the moon was the main source of light in here. The door slipped closed and the only sound it made was a soft swoosh of air. I wrapped my arm around her waist and walked over to the seating closest to the window.

✭ Raven ✭

“I wish it was that simple, these old ships don’t have the central core aspect. It’s much older than the tech Becca had too.” Half smiling. “But I worked it out. Patting myself on one shoulder.

“I needed to go to the mains on each of the decks. To swap things around. The first one took longer. But then the rest were easy when I was on a roll, and knew what I needed to do.”

I pulled the zip down on my jumpsuit to my waist continuing to walk over to the bench by the windows. Tying the arms around me to keep it in place before sitting down.

Relief made me sigh, and close my eyes. I really needed to take my weight off and sit. Shrugging my shoulder to ease the muscles. I pulled at my ponytail. Rubbing my lap because of the tension.

⊚ John ⊚

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “See here I am making all these promises not to be a controlling arsehole and there you go…” I sat next to her and instinctively reached out and rubbed her shoulders as she started to roll and stretch the muscles there. Like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. “… Making me wanna lock you up in a room with nothing but a bed in it.” I chuckled. My thumbs pressed into two matching knots at the base of her neck. “I know that you don’t need help, Rey… but maybe you should start asking for it anyway. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if other people could learn to do some of the things you do around here? Like Monty and Jasper… they’re already pretty good with the tech stuff… right?”

✭ Raven ✭

Pure relief is the only way I could describe the feeling when John began rubbing my shoulders. Sure, I had to laugh softly too.

“Damn Watcher, if you keep doing that.. I’ll let you tie me to that very bed.”

Dropping my head forward, relaxing my back and shoulders as I let out a soft hum. The sound caught me off guard, but I went with it. It was a natural response to the sensation.

“Uhmm… I know…” I added when I could control myself to speak. “However, Monty is working on a long-term solution to our situation onboard this ship. Even with us working on Cryo. Each day the new council doesn’t come to an agreement is a month's worth of supplies being used. So, I don’t want to take his energy away from that. And Jaz.”

My eyes were closed as I saw his face flash before me. “I don’t want to put any pressure on him before he’s ready.” Then I asked.

“Do you think it would help him to have a goal to work towards? Because I feel like that might break him?”

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed at her words and teased. “Kinky!” Because I wouldn’t let giving her this small amount of relief be anything other than a friend helping a friend. Anything else felt… like a violation… “The overachievers are always the wild ones.”

But that sound… I shifted a little bit… I was only human after all.

“If you think we need to… I can talk about reducing the rations with Abby… Right now, everything is personalised to each individual. But we could go to stricter rationing like the Ark?” I thought about what she was saying about Jasper… about everything that he’d gone through.

“I wasn’t ready to take care of you… but I did… Jasper made a choice. He chose to live. I think we should let him.” Then I smiled. “And make it interesting… Emori makes him smile and she’s pretty quick at learning the tech stuff too, for a grounder. I’m sure that she could be helpful.”

My fingers slipped up the back of her neck, pressing lightly on either side of the scar along her spine. I rubbed away the tightness, soft at first and then a little more pressure.

✭ Raven ✭

“No!” The word came out too loud for the quiet around us, and a little too quick too. “Please don't change anything yet.” I didn’t want that. “Have you seen the kids? And some of the adults too. They need some nourishment to survive what is to come. We will work out a way later. If we need to.” I would bloody starve myself before cutting the rations for another person.

“Uhmm…” The relief his hands gave was mind-boggling. I didn’t even know I had so much tension I was holding onto.

“Okay… okay.. both are good points. The two of them do seem to have a good friendship. And they help the other’s tendency to run away stop. So… maybe that’s what we need. Make them a team, and they can take some of the easy work off my shoulders?”

It would be worth it to see them both flourish. Until I remembered. “I’m not sure Emori is really a fan of me. We’ve kind of patched things up. But I still feel like she would float me if she could.” Not that I blame her for it.

My body tensed up when his fingers moved to the new placement. I was riddled with scars some still delicate to touch.

⊚ John ⊚

I stopped the neck rub I was giving her, my first reaction being fear that I had hurt her just with how quickly that word came out, but then I realised that she was talking about the rations. “Okay, okay… I won’t, but it is an option, and you know I would always make sure the kids have what they need.”

But I started rubbing again because I was starting to feel like the tight spots were loosening. “It is worth a try, and we can keep an eye on them… if it doesn’t work out we can try a different tactic.” I felt her tense and moved my thumbs to the soft spot behind her ears, right below the back of her skull and just pressed slow, soft circles against her skin. “Hey, it’s okay… you’re safe here. If something hurts all you need to do is say so… and it stops… okay?”

✭ Raven ✭

My eyes had dropped to the ground, opening and closing them depending on what sensation I felt by his touch.

I let out a low, deep sigh, my head lolling as I lost myself in the moment now that I knew the food wouldn’t be impacted.

My breathing hiccupped when John’s finger found that spot below my ear. Making me shift in my spot.

Clearing my throat, before speaking.

“This was meant to be about making you relax and stop thinking. And here you are… taking away my tensions. When did this role reversal take place?”

⊚ John ⊚

I laughed a little, she was getting better at not spiralling into problem-solving mode when something came up. I mean sure sometimes she’d run off to fix it right away… but not always. It was a part of who she was, and I knew it wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t want it to. But it was nice to know that once in a while she would put herself first.

I moved my hands back to her shoulders and gave her a little shake. “This actually is what relaxes me,” I said honestly. “Sitting around, watching the moon. Talking… seeing you rest for a minute. Not a lot of people ever trusted me enough to be close to me like this, so being able to ease a few of your aches and pains… I like it. I never had any… well… friends. Not real ones anyway… just people I survived with sometimes. You know?”

✭ Raven ✭

I couldn’t help it. One hand reached over my chest to rest over one of his on my shoulder. Squeezing it.

“They don’t see the parts of you that Emori, Luna, and even I do. If you let them in… which you kinda started to on the island…” My heart sank because  I wanted to say home. “… Don’t close them out. It’s all I am saying.”

And I knew it was hard on him. I knew how it felt to be in a world full of people, and still feel alone.

“Well, I’m glad I could be your reason for relaxing. And you’re welcome to relax like this any time you want. My shoulders will always be willing to sacrifice themselves for your needs.”

Lifting my gaze to the glass windows before us. To see the moon, but smiling at the reflection of John and me there too.

⊚ John ⊚

I knew what she was saying was all good things… but… why did it make my eyes burn? I wasn’t hearing anything I didn’t like… fuck! This therapy thing was fucking me up…

Wait, no… that wasn’t fair. It was taking the fucked-up things I was normally able to keep inside and dragging them out into the open. Could someone please remind me why this was a good thing?

Maybe I should have gone with the drugs after all.

Then I felt her hand on mine, and I was sure the sting would turn into more. FUCK! I touched my forehead to her hand… partly to hide my face and partly because… I had no fucking idea. “Thanks, Stargazer.” I could feel the heat of my own breath coming back onto my cheek, the curve of her neck reflecting it back, but I was so… caught up in this… easy acceptance that she always gave me, to pick up what other implications this action might have.

Then because I was completely emotionally dense I joked. “Always so selfless, Raven.” It was both true and utterly sarcastic at this moment.

✭ Raven ✭

Watching him through the reflection of the glass my heart ached for the way he hid into my touch. I kept my mouth shut so as not to scare him away.

Stilling there with a small smile curling my lips at his sarcasm. I didn’t retort. This wasn’t the time.

Taking in a few slow breaths, I moved my hand to cup his cheek resting my head sideways over his.

Keeping my eyes forward so that he didn’t feel the need to hide. I wouldn’t embarrass him, or give him shit for being in his mind and thought. This is exactly why we were here after all.

⊚ John ⊚

I felt her hand on my cheek, and it was like my world cracked open, and all that possibility of a life with family and friends flooded in, in technicolour, filling the void. I wrapped one arm around her, it was a little awkward logistically, with me sort of next to her and sort of behind her… but felt like exactly the right thing to do at the moment.

I held onto her and appreciated the way she didn’t question my weird as fuck reaction. She didn’t make me feel like I needed to apologise for the sudden onset of inappropriate emotion…

But was it though? I mean yeah it was sudden but was it inappropriate? To be a little overwhelmed at the prospect… no, the fact that I had friends and family that picked me? That came back for me, risked harm for me. Eric fucking Jackson!!!!

“I mean it… Stargazer. Thanks for sticking with me.” Then I let her go and moved my hands back to her shoulders. “And for showing me all the best places to watch the moon.”

✭ Raven ✭

Only when he moved away did I do the same and sit up. Tapping his hands over my shoulders to let him know it was fine.

“You don’t need to thank me, Watcher. It’s what we do for our dysfunctional family. And don’t you forget it.”

Clearing my throat,  half turning my head catching him in my peripheral vision.

“You can stop, John. I’m okay. You don’t really need to keep massaging my shoulders for me to show you, my hideouts.”

Whispering the last part as though it were a secret. When, in reality, it was anything but. The deck was open to everyone. It was just that people didn’t feel comfortable enough to go exploring the ship.

⊚ John ⊚

I smiled and left her be… Maybe I was getting a little too comfortable with the physical touch. “I know I don’t need to… the massage and the thank you… I think I say it because I don’t know how else to say that I’m grateful for you and everything you do.” Then I thought about those words. “And not just the things like keeping us all alive… flying in from outer space to rescue me like a certain half-robot princess we won’t name. But the friend stuff too… like making me laugh, instant forgiveness when I nearly kill you because I had a bad dream. Worrying about me… which shouldn’t be a good thing but… somehow is a really good thing. Staying close when I sleep… I never had that before. At least not after Dad…” I shrugged. She knew that story. It was her story; we were mirror images of each other.

✭ Raven ✭

Without thinking my hand reached out to his and squeezed hard enough to say. ‘I’ve got your back.’ While he spoke. Because this wasn’t the first time he said these things to me.

The location had changed. We were back in space and not on the island with our feet kicking water, with a bottle of wine in our hands. But the sentiment was the same.

Lowering my voice I arched one eyebrow. “If I’m the princess that came to save the world, are you saying you were the Emperor of the island?” Laughing a teasing laugh. “I’m going to miss her.” Those stories had become my safe space to become lost. But I had her in my mind, I could see myself asking ‘What would she do in this situation.’ And smiling.

“That’s what family does, John. We show up for the other when it’s needed, and however it’s needed. And you do the same for me too.” He didn’t need to finish his sentence. I knew how his life changed after his dad. It wasn’t that different than mine. I just had someone who had my back.

“Is it okay…” I stopped to think for once. Would my thoughts hurt or help?

I shook my head. “Never mind.”

⊚ John ⊚

“Emperor might be a bit of a stretch…” I chuckled. “How about, devilishly handsome head chef of the island?” I arched a brow. Then I smiled at her… Did she not know? “Miss her? Why would you miss her, Rey? We have the tablet we were reading from on the island.” I smiled, delighted to give her this news.

I tilted my head when she stopped herself speaking. “You don’t need to censor yourself around me, Raven. Plus, I just spilt all that mushy stuff. So, whatever you were going to say can’t be half as embarrassing.” I was joking. I wasn’t at all embarrassed to tell her this stuff, nothing I had told her ever made it any further than our conversation… unless the purpose of the conversation was about telling another person… whatever it was. She had never betrayed a confidence not even when she was mad at me.

✭ Raven ✭

My hazel eyes were on him now. “We have the tablet with all the stories on it? Here? On the ship? How? When? How?” I shook my head in dismay.

“When did you even have time?” When would this man stop shocking me? He was fighting for this life, while at the same time packing a tablet that couldn’t help him or anyone in any way?

Sobering up a little from the pleasant surprise he just gave me, I chewed on my lip. “I’m not censoring myself… it’s just…” giving up because this is what we did, we just said things out loud and hoped for the best.

“Is it okay for me to think… to wish… we’d been closer on the Ark. maybe if you had a friend like Finn. No matter how bad things were… you could have known you weren’t alone?”

What if I’d been thinking for a long while but never said it? “What if we had all been friends… how would things have changed for us?”

⊚ John ⊚

I smiled at her… “Yeah I actually meant to give it to you before now, but I was reading it to Dela when she was in the med bay. Then I put it back into your bag and totally forgot about it… but it didn’t take any time… Rey. Even after you cured yourself… The habit of keeping the things close that you cared about and that brought you peace… was a second nature. And it was easy, you weren’t exactly high maintenance.” I chuckled. “Since you cured yourself though…” I teased her. “Total diva!”

 I was momentarily stunned by her words. She’d thought about this too? How differently it could have been… if... “Of course, it’s okay… at least, I hope it is. I’ve thought about it a few times. But I don’t think Finn had enough rations to keep us both alive.” I chuckled and wrapped an arm around her, I knew it hurt when she thought about him sometimes. He wasn’t just her boyfriend; he was her family and her best friend too. “I would have been different… very different. But I’m not alone anymore, so even when I do think about how different things might have been… that’s what I focus on.”

I pulled her back to lean into my side, my eyes on the moon as I resisted the urge to rest my cheek against her hair.

✭ Raven ✭

“Wait. I saw you reading to Dela! But it didn’t occur to me it was….” Shaking my head. “So, much is happening that I fear I’ve lost the plot.”

Letting John guide, me back half smiling as memories new and old. It hurt sure, but it also brought me to a place where I used to be happy. Lowering my voice to match the peace this place brought with it for me.

“I would have shared. Rations, a safe place to sleep, and to learn.” I told him the truth so easily. It wasn’t a secret I needed to keep.

“But.. yeah.. you’re right again. At least we have found this moment.” Thinking for a breath. “But I’d never want to change you. All your past is what makes you my Watcher.”

Falling silent contemplating the choices, we all had to make to come to this moment. Glad the moon in all its imperfections was here to stay with us.

[oktorpg]

Partners in Crime – Book 3 – Chapter 5 - Storyline 10 – Together - Part 2

Continued from part 1. Click Here

•— John —•

“I’m a survivor!” I smirked. “I see a chance at a shield, and I’ll take it! Also... I expect everyone else to do the same thing even if it means I’m the one in the firing line when they call in their chips. And look… here you are, throwing in a bonus favour just because you can!” I chuckled. “You really are too good for me, Reyes.” Those words… They slipped out as a casual joke… but they cut as they came out. Because the truth of those words… it was sharp.

I rolled my eyes because, of course, she did. Or did she? There had to be something on this ship that he didn’t give her full access to… but probably not a physical part of the ship; that would be too obvious… something in the computers maybe? Records… what happened to the prisoners. Like she was reading my mind she started talking about the ship's logs.

“Score one for Griffin and common sense,” I muttered. “Remember Mount Weather?” I knew she did. “I was never there. And you weren’t there until after everything went to hell. But Jasper told me it was the same thing… they were told they had free reign right up until they started sucking out their bone marrow.” I tilted my head as the doors started to move… “Was there anything in the computers you couldn’t access? It’s possible they gave us full access because they didn’t think there was anything wrong with what they did?” I leaned in closer… these doors were louder than anything else on the ship so far. “Have you seen the cells yet?” I was talking about the level I wanted to avoid… but if she needed to see it to start asking the right questions… I would take her there.

“The people in Mount Weather knew their treatment was coming from other human beings… and most of them… Clearly believed that it was okay to kill them so they could stay alive.”

•— Raven —•

My feet were frozen on their spot, had I heard him correctly? Or was it my impression of what had occurred between us when he came to free me from the mind games of A.L.I.E?

I hadn’t asked to be saved, but I was grateful he had done so. Even if I’d fought him at the time. However, was this his way of saying I didn’t appreciate him or have his back? And then bringing up Mount Weather?

“Do you think I’ve brought you and all the others into a situation where your lives could be in grave danger?” My voice was low over the sounds of the opening doors.

“I’ll be honest, I haven’t had time to look at everything there is on this ship, physically or within the systems. I’ve been working as hard as I can… as fast as I can…”

Pointing to the space we were occupying.

“I know I joked about taking time out but even this is me trying to find answers.”

Fuck! Maybe I wasn’t giving it my all. First Griffin and now John? I was frowning now too.

“We’ve been using the screwed-up philosophy of shoot first, maybe ask questions later. I know we joke about everyone we meet wanting to kill us but think about it.. we always live and them… not so much…”

My arms dropped and I pushed my hands into my pockets.

“I killed two people on this ship… two crew members… and they still choose to help us… maybe I’m wrong, but shouldn’t we start having some faith in humanity?”

Did they all see me as some immature gullible person? Because it was beginning to feel like it.

•— John —•

“What… no… it was this or die… the bunker was no longer an option… even if it was… this is still preferable.” I scoffed. Even with Officer  Shaw on board, this was far better than a hole in the ground. “If we weren’t here Raven… we would be ashes right now.” Then I looked her in her eyes and told her honestly.

“I just think that you are too fast to trust… And I know… four days here with him, trying to figure out how to get back and save everyone. It must have felt like weeks. But some questions need to be answered… and it's not about the cryo chambers.”

Did I want to mention the dog collars and the fact that not one prisoner survived, to her on her one day actually relaxing?

“I’m not saying that you aren’t working hard enough or fast enough Raven… in fact, you are doing that thing you do where you work so hard you forget to eat… sleep and probably even drink. What you are doing isn’t what’s in question.”

I nodded… hearing what she was saying and then my heart cracked…. She killed two people. “You… Rey… I didn’t… you never said anything…” The fact they were crew members wasn’t a shock; I had a feeling that all the prisoners were dead before the remaining crew were in the cryo pods. I knew what it was to carry that… but this was Raven… it likely was not a shoot-first scenario with her. What I had done was straight-up murder. Even if it was… it wouldn’t change how she felt. I reached out and touched her arm. I ached for her…. Her pain was so much more than just her leg and the trauma she carried that I knew about… the whole time she was bearing this. And I was blind to it. “This isn’t one of my ten questions… We don’t need to talk about it. But I hope you will… What happened, Stargazer? I’m here… I’m listening.”

The wide-open doors of the cargo hold loomed before us and only one stretch of hallway remained illuminated where we stood. But all I saw was her.

•— Raven —•

“You didn’t need to know…” I started. Shock, horror, and indecisiveness all washed their way over me.

Burning Hells! I said too much at that moment! In the vast clarity of me speaking my mind, I told John something I didn’t want to put on anyone else’s shoulders. Bellamy told me repeatedly. It wasn’t on me. Reminding me, words are easy when the guilt doesn’t weigh on your shoulders. This is why it still haunted my nightmares.

“We didn’t have time…” I continued. “We weren’t talking…” Which wasn’t a lie. “Things all... well they were happening so fast. I…” Shit! How was I going to get out of this? He did say we didn’t need to talk about it. So that was my out, right?

“It’s…” Kicking myself internally when his hand reached out. John’s ‘out’ came with the hope, that I would choose him. Choose to share something I did. But would this change the way he saw me?

My feet stopping me from moving forward into the dark hold, I brought my attention to him, to the way his eyes were searching for answers, I didn’t understand myself yet. I noticed how his baby blue eyes lost the sheen from the island. Showing me how my mind couldn’t hold onto its train of thinking for long. Finding myself baffled at my first thought when he caught my eye. Then I couldn’t help but miss those moments we shared. Full of comfort we found on late nights under the stars, speaking, sharing wine, crackers, and chocolate.

“I…” closing my eyes, because I didn’t want him to see the killer hiding in the dark pools within them. “I thought I knew what I was doing. I was so sure of myself.” Scoffing at the clear over-exaggeration of my own abilities.  “I studied those instructions several times. It was so simple... at least it’s how I deciphered it.” Feeling my hands trembling within the pockets I hid them in. “I brought them back… the captain… and the first mate… Bellamy thought it was better for us to speak with them before we woke the others…” The terrible sensation of dread filling my chest made my voice shake too.

“I messed up… Brought them back too fast. Their body couldn’t keep up with the shock. They took a few breaths, opened their eyes…” That was it, my voice cracked with emotion. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, and as I relived the exact moment, they both took their last living breaths, play-by-play.

“I killed them… My hands… my actions… I killed them both.” Dropping my head as my hands came up to cover my face. Hiding the monster who took the life of others. “I see their eyes… Every night… I see them.” Tapering off with nothing more to share.

•— John —•

Just when I thought that my heart couldn’t shatter anymore she proved how much she’d healed it over the last few days. Because it disintegrated all over again… for her this time, for her pain, her guilt, and the suffering she went through while I was hundreds of miles away. I should have been there for her. If I had gotten my shit together before this; then maybe she would have confided this to me already and we could have talked about it.

“Oh, Stargazer.” I brushed away a tear. “I’m so sorry.” I saw the way her hands were shoved into her pockets, hiding how they shook when emotion overwhelmed her. “I do not doubt that you did everything and learned everything you could, Raven… but cryo… it wasn’t intended for use for those long periods. It was only theoretical that it could be used for that long…” I was spending too much time talking to Lizzy… and she had never told me this. That earned her a token of respect in my book. “This isn’t going to make you feel better Raven… but…” I took a breath. “There was no one left on earth to know that this ship was up here. If they were all still asleep when you got here then clearly there was a malfunction, and the ship couldn’t wake them up when they reached the final destination. So… everyone in those pods would have died when the ship ran out of fuel or was struck by debris or a million other things that can go wrong on a totally unmanned ship.”

The tears were flowing freely now… and the bunker sounded like a far better plan. It would have saved her this pain… this awful responsibility. She dropped her head into her hands and that was when I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled her in and held onto her. “I wish I could tell you it will all go away Raven… but I don’t know if it ever will… not completely. But you can’t give in, okay... you were trying to save them and save us all at the same time, you can’t carry that burden alone. You’ll find a way to keep the faces at bay… not forever, but there will be nights… certain things you can do or focus on. Hell, I’ll sit with you every single night if I have to.” I released her, tugging her hands from her face and tilting her gaze up to mine, cupping those tear-streaked cheeks in both hands.

“I know you won’t believe me if I tell you that you did nothing wrong… But I believe it, Rey. I believe you did everything you could to keep those people safe. And the fault is with whoever the fuck waged war and set off explosives on this heaven-forsaken boat. I believe it, Raven because I know you. And I would take all of this hurt away if I could.” I looked into those pained eyes, darkened with grief.

And I would, I would take it all into myself if I could and suffer for her… She didn’t deserve this… here she was, in the arms of an actual murderer sobbing for two people she tried to rescue. Two people that haunted her… at least I deserved my ghosts.

•— Raven —•

  I don’t know where it all came from. It felt like I had a hold of myself, knowing when and where to allow myself to think about these faces, as well as all the others back on earth I’d failed. But with John pulling me into a hug I fell apart.

What in hells was happening? This was meant to be a way to keep John from falling into his darkness, however now he was consoling me.

My chest constricted, with my arms holding onto him for dear life. Even my late-night conversation with Miles hadn’t allowed me to freely express my emotions as they did with, John.

Of course, I heard everything John said, some part of me even understood. However, my emotional intelligence wouldn’t let go of the feeling in the pit of my soul. I had been the reason those men died, and that would always be on my conscience.

When we moved out a little and John’s hands cupped my face. Something like a bolt of reality came crashing down. Once again my friend didn’t back away from seeing that evil in me. As much as anyone wanted to believe in my innocence at this moment, I had a million reasons to despise myself and my actions.

His blue eyes were so hard to gauge, but I knew there was nothing but love, support, and affection in them for me. Rightly or wrongly, I knew that he was my guardian from my own heart.

I closed my eyes, my hands moved to rest over his with my chest full of dry heaves. The pulsing pains behind my eyeballs are evidence of the tension held inside of me.

“I wish my faith in me would become stronger… but…. Me… and this place…”

Another dry heave came out. I couldn’t talk. All I could do was squeeze those hands holding my face.

•— John —•

There were moments… too many moments… when I thought: Maybe. Maybe I could be everything she needs. Maybe I could be enough.

Moments like this. When she clung to me… when she let me hold her up when the world tried to pull her under.

But they always passed… because just enough… that was far less than she deserved.

Her eyes met mine and I refused to let that heartbreak show, only my faith and my belief in her. I pulled it all up to the surface. “I know… I don’t know if it ever will for either of us.” I felt her hands on mine. My heart straining behind my ribs. “But until we figure that out… we’ll have faith in each other… I’ll keep yours. And you keep mine. And hopefully, someday we will find our own again.” I shrugged, smiling the best smile I could muster. “Or not… Because I reckon we have a pretty great arrangement right now…” I brushed away her tears with a swipe of my thumb.

“Maybe it can be… enough… at least for a while.” Hell! That word was so inadequate.

“But you can’t lock up all this stuff, Stargazer… That’s how you end up on Jackson’s couch. Say it… scream it if you have to… or cry until you can’t anymore. But… come find me first?” It wasn’t supposed to sound like a question. “Because you can’t forget I’m holding onto your faith.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes couldn’t meet John’s, so when he attempted to make eye contact, I set my gaze on his nose and lips. Following the way, they moved with each word sending sound to my ears.

This was exactly what I didn’t want. Closing my eyes to stop myself from shedding any more tears, hiding myself from his sorrowful glance by resting my forehead on his shoulder. Emotions yawning and battling my own demons.

“It’s… It… It doesn’t feel that way to me… John… I… know how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life. Because it doesn’t matter what I say.  You listen. You help. Even after I tried to blow you up… how many times?”

Fine, the last part was filled with several empty threats. But it counted at the time.

But I had to ask myself again. What had I been trying to achieve here?

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting all this crap in your lap. Not right now. Not when…” He wasn’t even sleeping due to his nightmares. “There is nothing wrong with being with Jax. If it helps. We all should be there.”

Swallowing back the fresh tears because I didn’t want to tell him. There was no one left on earth now who knew we were here. Had I thought this plan through? When I fought them all to come up here, to make it our only chance to survive. Did I blindly bring my family, and all the others along, just to die up here slowly and over time?

“Griff and you were right… I needed to think about this decision… work out an exit plan… But no. Once again. I came up with a plan, without understanding the long-term impact. There are children, older people, and people who look at us as if we have the answers. And where are we?”

Lifting my head to look around the hold before us. “We don’t even know if we have enough fuel to keep this ship in place for the time we need to make sure we can return to Earth.”

My eyes still did not meet his. “You place a little too much faith in me, John. I have nothing to do but disappoint everyone by failing them.” Well… Hells! That was a lot of truth vomiting out of my mouth, for someone who thought it best to keep all that crap locked up inside.

Then something occurred to me, what John said… it was niggling.

“You know… this place… It was the crew who were in cryo alive...” Why hadn’t I questioned this or even said it out loud?

“Miles told us there was an issue onboard the ship, that all the living souls had to be placed into the pods before it was planned. That…” That’s all I knew; I hadn’t listened past it. Because I was too busy thinking about finding a way back to get the others and to see if this ship could keep us safe until we had a better plan.

This is how I understood my part in this. My hands were covered in blood, how much more was still to come?

•— John —•

I moved my arm around her when she rested against my shoulder. I knew that move… it was one I used often; something you did when you didn’t want to be seen. And I let her, I rested my other hand on the back of her head, fanning my fingers through her ponytail.

There were a lot of things I couldn’t be for this woman, but I could be a safe place, a place to hide until the moment passed, a soft place to land when the world crashed down. A Shoulder… a friend.

“I know, I’ve been on the receiving end of words just like those,” I said quietly. “I know that hearing them doesn’t change how you feel, there’s no way to know if they will ever change. But knowing you had faith in me anyway… that changed a lot… it meant… everything. And you have all my faith, Stargazer.” I kissed her hair and smiled a tiny smile that she couldn’t see. “Even when you threaten to blow me up.”

I held her a little tighter when she said she shouldn’t be telling me things like this. “I don’t want you to think that, Rey. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me, not the people I care about.” I paused. “Not anyone. I don’t want any of you to think you can’t lean on me… because I need to lean on you. And treating me differently just because I’m… whatever I am.” I avoided the word crazy; she didn’t like it. But I needed her to treat me the way she always did. I just got her back… I wanted her, not a censored version of her. “It would make me feel like more of a burden than I already am.”

“Raven, this was the only plan… the bunker was still closed. The death wave hadn’t even hit yet, and people were dying of radiation sickness. There was no way that door was opening before we were all dead. There wasn’t any other plan. It was the same with the space stations… they were made to sustain life for generations. When the world ends; you do what you have to do to survive. And because of you, we survived. Those kids survived. We just need to ask the right questions now that we are here.”

And I had plenty of questions… like how was it that not a single prisoner survived? What happened to the crew that didn’t make it to Cryo? What the hell happened on the prison deck? And who set off the bombs that damaged the ship enough that a twenty-five-year trip took them a century instead?

•— Raven —•

“You… John Murphy… are not a burden… not on me… not on anyone. We couldn’t have done it without you on the island. I couldn’t have! Abby needed to work... Jax too. You were the only person and Luna.. putting up with me and keeping me alive. You kept all of us fed. You helped me whenever I needed someone… That is not a person who is a burden.”

I hated that he felt this way once, and I regret my choice of words. Even if they came from a place of love and care for my friend. It clearly backfired.

I kept still, it had been so long since someone consoled me, or held me and made me feel…. I stopped myself from contemplating what was going on with my mind.

Tightening my eyes closed, I could see all those faces. The ones who didn’t come with us, the ones who chose to stay rather than trusting us to keep them safe.

“We didn’t even try. Maybe if Jaha saw all of us at the door of the bunker, maybe he would have opened the doors.” That’s when I heard the sardonic laugh from myself. “Okay. Maybe I’m putting a little too much faith in his humanity. But.. you gotta have faith, right?”

There was one man. “I don’t think ill of many. However, the next time I come face-to-face with him. I’m going to blow him up!”

Finally lifting my head to set my hazel eyes up to see him. “You know Miles is happy to answer questions about the ship, he and the others have been open with us. I… well… I’ve not really asked. I’m sure the others know, right?”

Frowning at myself, the numbers onboard this ship flashed before my eyes. 300 inmates, 25 guards and 12 crew…

•— John —•

I couldn’t tell her that yes… on the island… for the first… the only time in my life I was… useful, worthwhile… Keeping Raven alive was the first time in my life I had contributed to our cause. But now? Now, I was back to where I started. Only I had Raven now, and Luna and Emori. I had thought that Abby would use me in the med bay… I wasn't like Clark or Lizzy, but I could look after patients, monitor vitals… clean vomit… but once the place emptied… she shipped me out.

I smiled though because I knew that she would never think that and that it was… mostly…in my head. But there were a lot of people who would agree that I was non-essential.

“Raven… they were trying to open that door for days. And let's say we used the ship, threatened them or something and they opened the door… the Death Wave was too close. The transport ship has massive loading doors. The bunker was a single-person hatch. There’s no way everyone would have gotten inside. And who knows how many would have been trampled trying. That’s on Jaha… not you. And the next time we see him… I’ll bloody hold him down while you light that boomstick.”

I was still holding her, and my racing heart wouldn’t let me forget it. “There was no time for the questions before… we just needed to live, we needed as many humans as possible to live that we could, you have saved so many, Stargazer. And not just people. Cultures, traditions… customs… a whole new language that would have been lost. You saved tribes, funeral rites… religions, folklore, legends, songs and histories that no one ever wrote down. Every day all of those things still exist because there are people left to remember them… is a win.” My arms tightened around her. My cheek against her hair and the scent of her… it was unmistakable.

“And we will make it to the ground again Raven. Because I promised you another night under the stars.” I whispered into her ear. “And I expect you to do everything in your power to help me keep that promise and every faith that you can do it.”

•— Raven —•

I knew I shouldn’t, but that comment about holding Jaha down while I blew him up, it made me sob and laugh.

“Okay…” Holding onto my friend, my hands fisted the fabric on his back just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

“That’s a deal.” My heart still hurt; I knew everything John said to be true. But hells, I still feel as though I let the side down somewhat. “I knew we were friends for a reason.”

My lacklustre attitude toward what we were told, was part of the issue, wasn’t it? Being so trusting?

“I know… I know… however, we should have started to ask questions, right? In the days after?”

I couldn’t see his face, but he held me making me feel safe. What I wanted more than anything, was to make him feel comfortable and not alone.

“When they started fighting over Luna, or who was onboard. We should have asked, what happened here. To make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

This time I close my eyes, listening to the reminder of a promise once made between two friends. Even though it felt like centuries ago, it wasn’t.

“I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to help you keep that promise but make sure. Make sure you don’t break it this time, Watcher.”

Pulling back enough to set my eyes on his.

•— John —•

I chuckled softly; the darkness of the moment lightened a little. She gripped the back of my jumpsuit, tightening it across my chest… It was fitting better than it had when I first came on board. We had all gained weight on the island while experimenting in the kitchen. But being stuck in those suits took its toll on us. And slowly people were gaining it all back on a decent set of rations. But if we didn’t put people in cryo soon we would need to half those.

“Everything was insane… but now with a routine kicking in and the RAS patients discharged from medical… I think it is time to start asking the hard questions.” I couldn’t deny the feeling of having her pressed this tightly against me for so long… but it was strange… it wasn’t desire that I felt. It was…

Safety.

It was pride that she saw me as a person that she could lean on, literally and figuratively.

It was dangerous… so dangerous. I could easily imagine this becoming my life… with her. Hopefully with less crying. But… crying was okay… it would be nice to have the scales tipped in favour of happiness. That's what you did with people you loved right? Let them see when you are vulnerable? I would never tell her not to cry. I knew she loved me… but in her own unique way.

Like she read my struggle and wanted to challenge my resolve… she moved and looked up at me. All I could see were the tears on her cheeks, the faded gold in her eyes… and the way her lips moved to make sounds… words… she was saying words. I licked my lips… thinking about…

No… I can’t go there.

I smiled. Because either way… she was here. With me. Right now, Raven Reyes was all mine. “Good… because I have no idea how to get us back down there when the time comes… but I promise to be your biggest cheerleader when it does. Then you can leave the rest to me.” I grinned thinking of my stashed bottle of wine.

I still wasn’t letting her go… something I had heard her say before… to never be the first person to let go of a hug, because you have no idea how badly the other person needed it… and I remembered that feeling she was having right now.

While I knew those deaths weren’t her fault, she believed that she had taken lives. Would a hug have stopped me from going off the deep end after Charlotte? Would it have been different if someone held onto me until I couldn’t stand to be held anymore? Would I have been different? Would I be someone this woman would choose?

•— Raven —•

“So…” moving closer to rest my chin on his shoulder, I closed my eyes. “Where do we go from here?” Letting the question sit in the space around us.

Because for once, I didn’t know what steps we should be taking to learn about the history of this ship. Of course, sure... I knew I could go read all the logs I had access to. But… if I had access to them… didn’t that just mean there was nothing in there to find?

That voice came knocking again. ‘If you still had the code in your brain, this could have been a snap of your fingers to find.’ But I pushed it back, tightening my eyes closed. I could do this. Without the thing in my head trying to kill me!

“We’ll work on it together…” whispering it to him. “When the time comes. We will do it together this time. I’m not going to leave you behind.” A flash of seeing John, Luna, and Jasper in those suits played like a 4D image.

It couldn’t have been possible, but I was still holding onto John. Hugging him tight, without letting go. So, I did just that. I left my findings slowly open to let the fabric of his jumpsuit go first, then I pushed my head up, and then my arms dropped from around him.

“I’m sorry…” shaking my head. “I didn’t mean to hold on for that long.”

•— John —•

She shifted her face, and it was only then I felt the dampness from the tears that I hoped had stopped flowing for now. “Big picture… I’ll go wherever you go, Stargazer. I think we do better together.” I admitted… and my heart raced at the meaning she could take from it. I knew I felt better when I was with her, and I hoped she felt better with me. And then she said it too and I thought that my heart might explode… not the same thing… but wasn’t it? In her own way. Telling me she wouldn’t leave me behind? “I know,” I told her softer than ever because I believed her with every fibre of my being, and it wasn’t just because I knew she never lied.

“Right now…” I tilted my head and looked toward the doors; her hair brushed against my cheek. “I think we should go through these giant arse, creepy as fuck doors…” I gave a little chuckle. I pulled back a little to see her face after she dropped her arms. I shook my head with a little smile. “Raven… you literally sat with me for hours… after I almost stabbed you… just so I could sleep without needing to hold onto a weapon.  You can hold onto me for as long as you want… anytime you want.”

My gaze was definitely lingering on her mouth, and I needed to stop. I was thinking far too many things I shouldn’t, like how soft her lips would be if I brushed my fingertips against them. But this was so not the time to think like that, she had just confided in me something that she believed made her a killer… no one else would believe it of her. But all that mattered was that she felt that way… So… not the right time to think about her lips, Murphy!!!

I glanced back down the hall we had walked through. The dark was only about twenty paces away, and the section we were standing in, remained lit: the ship detecting our presence somehow.

“And you made me forget that the darkness was closing in.” Saying it drew my attention to how rapidly my heart rate had slowed once again. Being this close to Raven Reyes… I smiled… It was a fucking rollercoaster.

•— Raven —•

There was a smile on my teary face now. “Of course, we do better together. We’re partners in crime, John. It’s not as good when you get one without the other.” Thinking for a second before continuing.

“It’s like seeing Monty without Jasper. Anyway. Your beauty would be wasted without my brains. And we all know your pretty face can get us all into big trouble.”

I was attempting to tease him now. I needed to take our minds away from the places they were in.

“Thank you. You may not see how much you saying that means to me.” Leaning up on my toes I kissed John’s cheek.

I knew he was trying to do the same for me, as I had been for him. “Don’t worry, Watcher. I’ll keep the lights on for you. The darkness won’t ever catch you.” Stepping back away from him, with my hazel eyes trained on him.  

“Okay.” Nodding my head once, telling him I was ready to do this, I pushed in the master code to open the large doors before us. With a groan and creek. The sound echoed in this ship, ripping through the silence and the darkness behind the two of us. “We are so Ready to face our demons together.” Holding my hand out to him, palm up to see if he takes it.

“We do this as one.”

Hells… I was so lucky. This was my second chance to keep our friendship alive. And I won’t mess with it.

•— John —•

I smiled, the darkness was fading from inside of us both. I knew it wasn’t gone forever; it probably never would be. But that was okay as long as we had each other; to shine a light into the darkness day by day… we would be okay. “Yeah, Yeah and your brains would be wasted without my quick thinking and knack for mischief.” I tapped my nose and winked.

I nodded to her. She knew that I meant it, anytime she needed me all she had to do was call out for me or find me and I would drop everything for her. I knew what she was doing, and a traitorous part of my mind told me to tilt my chin towards her and her lips would brush mine and not just my cheek… but now I stiffened to keep myself from indulging the impulse. If we were ever going to share a kiss like that it would be freely given. Not stolen by a cheap tactic… not even if that cheap tactic was likely the only way I would ever feel her mouth on mine when I wasn’t forcing air into her lungs.

The giant doorway was dark for a moment as the door gaped wide then with more of those loud, ominous clunks, lights began to flicker to life. I was reaching for her hand at the same time that she held hers out for me to take hers. She wouldn’t have pulled away had I taken her hand when it was hanging by her side… I knew that much… but when Raven Reyes reached out for you… that was a special feeling, every time it was like a sacred moment. Whether it was to help you up when you had fallen low… or to pull you free of a spiral that would lead you astray or times like this… for comfort, for closeness… it was an indescribable feeling.

I took her hand and smiled. “Let's go find an adventure, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

As the doors opened the first thing to hit my senses had been the smell. This section of the ship like the others had been closed for one a hundred years, but unlike the rest of the ship, the air down here was much more musty.

Covering my mouth, I coughed as dry dust coated my nose and throat which had me breathing in through my mouth, trying to save my nose from the barrage of smells hitting me all at once.

“Hells… someone needs to look at the ventilation down here.” Of course, that someone was me.

I squeezed John’s hand, a silent acknowledgement that we were doing this together.

As the lights flickered to life, some coming on and others clearly had given up over time, I stood there watching with wide eyes as the rows and rows of tall cladding became visible.

“So….” I said when I saw the lights had stopped and no others were going to come on. “Remind me again. Why didn’t we just stay up top with everyone?”

My heart was racing, I’d be lying if I said it was just excitement and adrenaline. There was a mix of fear amongst all my feelings too. I took a step into the room, then another and another. Reminding myself that we were not alone, we could get this side of the ship covered and identified in no time at all.

•— John —•

I lifted my free hand to my nose and mouth and grunted at the smell coming from the cargo bay. “Damn! Smells like the Mech Station storage room.” They kept the oxygen low in the rooms they stored parts in to keep them from rusting, or to at least slow it down. Then she had me laughing and sucking in a lung full of the musty air. I coughed once and smiled. “Isn’t that someone you?” I asked… but we both knew the answer was yes.

“Because we are brave explorers.” I rolled my shoulders like I was limbering up for a fight, still holding onto her hand. “C’mon Stargazer… where’s your sense of adventure?” I said… even as I gulped and stepped tentatively into the huge space. They were rows of corridors, with thick walls… No not walls… I approached one.

“Are these…” I knocked on the steel. It echoed hollowly. “Containers?” I was gobsmacked. “They are bigger than the living quarters on the Ark!” I craned my head up… they were stacked three high, and each one seemed to be numbered. “Are there any records of what is stored here, maybe these numbers can tell us what’s inside?” I circled one until we came to what looked like an opening. It was painted with three symbols, fire, a skull and crossbones, and the Trikru sigil… which was, of course, the biohazard symbol.

“We shouldn’t let the grounder see this… not without explaining it first at least. You saw the way they reacted to the Infinity logo from Becca’s company.”

•— Raven —•

“Always the Wisearse, it’s a good thing I don’t want you any other way.”

My eyes adjusted to the lighting in the hold, following John’s lead with my feet but letting my eyes wander further away until I couldn’t really see.

“Hmm?” Turning my head to gaze at the simple symbols, John had pointed out. My eyebrows pulled together.

“Yeah, you have a point. Even if we know what most of these mean, trying to share our information with the clans needs to be in a gentle manner.”

We’d come across these and other symbols on the ground. Inside Finn’s hideaway, at Mount Pleasant, when the guns were found.. the list went on. But the explanation of them with the clans had been… well testy was an understatement.

“They look to be holding something in them.” My knuckles knocked against the wall of the one beside us. Then I stepped back to glance up. “Do you think we can get into it?”

Looking around the area for a moment. “There has to be a database with information. The question is do I need to go to the bridge, or is there an access point here in the room.” There had to be one here.

I let go of John's hand and moved around the containers again with a new mission in mind.

•— John —•

I laughed, I wondered what the original crew would have done if it wasn’t for Raven… they all seemed to have very specific fields and then no abilities outside of that. Okay, that was probably an exaggeration… but also… I had yet to see evidence to the contrary. Officer Shaw seemed to be the jock equivalent to Raven… an overachiever… only he had an attitude about it. Raven was confident, sure… but it suited her… she wasn’t arrogant.

I nodded. “These symbols started to mean something a lot different to them over the hundred years since the bombs dropped. I don’t think it’s our place to tell them they don’t mean what they believe.”

My eyes widened when she said she wanted to find a way inside. “Inside?” I repeated. “Oh sure! Let’s open up the giant box of certain death! Sounds like a party!” I rolled my eyes, but I knew that Raven was completely serious about it. “I mean it worked out so well in that story about the panther with the box that they weren’t meant to open and all the evil in a world escaped or whatev…” I tilted my head… “Wait… was it a panther… or was it a girl? Panther’s box? A girl named Panther? Who the fuck cares… either way… they opened the box and bad shit happened. So, let’s just… you know, not.”

I followed her when she started to walk around, her pain almost forgotten now as she tended to, when she was onto something. I looked in the opposite direction she was because I knew she wouldn’t stop until she found something. I might as well try and half the length of time she would be running around this maze. I flexed my hand until I realised I was missing the feeling of hers in mine… I stuffed it in my pocket as if signs that I missed holding her hand would be etched into the skin and she might see.

Then I let out an audible sigh. Inset in the wall, two units down the row; there was a rack holding the most intense-looking hazmat suits I had ever seen and a workstation that looked to be booting up. “Fuck me sideways.” I huffed. Then called out to Raven. “I think I found what you are looking for… and I’m really starting to wish I hadn’t!”

•— Raven —•

Okay. Fine. I was the kind of person who had a one-track mind at times. So, I may not be listening to the best of my abilities, but his response to my comments made me smirk.

“A panther? Box? Evil? What in hells are you talking about, Watcher?” Shaking my head “How would a panther open a box? They don’t have thumbs.” I would have rolled my eyes but then it occurred to me.

“Wait… do you mean Pandora? Pandora’s box?” It had to be.

“I should be grateful you paid enough attention in class to at least know the mythological story. Or a part of it anyway.”

I stopped in my tracks turning back in the direction I heard his voice.

“What do you mean?”

Starting back towards John, pushing myself to pick up a little speed. When I came to a stop right behind him I clapped and nudged John with my shoulder. “Well… well… look who found a toy for me to play with!”

Moving past him towards the workstation, rubbing my hands together seeing that it was in the process of booting up. There were a couple of stools before them, and I happily took one of them to sit myself down.

Turned my head back to where John stood, only now noticing the discomfort in his face.

“Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

•— John —•

They don’t have thumbs…

I couldn’t pinpoint why but this phrase had me in fits of laughter…. Not just because she had a point, which she did… but it was a story… like the movies, they showed as a treat in the run-up to Unity day… some of them had talking animals… so was a panther opening a box really that strange? No… what was strange was how much thought I was giving this. “Pandora?” I wrinkled up my nose gathering some control over my laughter. “No wonder humans destroyed Earth with parents naming their kids things like Pandora. Panther is badass at least.”

“Actually, my Mom told me that story.” That last part came out without any conscious thought or intention… Shit! I didn’t mean to bring her up right now.

She was beelining for that workstation… I was looking between the part of the storage unit that looked like an opening,… not exactly a door… it was like the whole short end opened out; meaning it was long and narrow inside, then my gaze went back to the suits that were nothing like the radiation suits we had worn, but not quite an EVA suit either. I raised my brows at her question. “Not yet but I have a feeling you and I are gonna end up haunting the shit out of this ship in the next few minutes.” I stood next to her ignoring the other stool for now. I propped my elbows on the worktop. “You really want to go inside?”

•— Raven —•

“Of that whole story, the name is the part you have an issue with John? Really?” My attention was drawn to him and the sound of his laughter.

“Hells…” muttering to myself. How long had passed since I heard him laugh so openly, and freely?

All of a sudden, my focus shifted from the workstation and the cargo to my friend and his blue eyes.

He didn’t bring his mom up normally, or talk about things they did before….

“What else did she tell you? I mean what other stories.” My hand rubbed my thighs without thought. “No… I don’t want us to die. Would you stop holding on to my first comment?” Rolling my eyes up at him.

He stood next to me, looking down and around. Clocking the suits he seemed fixated on.

“Don’t worry Watcher. I wouldn’t make you go in if something is interesting in there.”

After hearing him laugh and start to get our ruthless rhythm bad again. I’d make sure not to endanger him or any of my friends again.

•— John —•

I grinned… “Oh no… not just that. The entire story is a shit show of creepiness… I mean what kind of sadist gives someone a box and says ‘By the way this contains all the evil in the universe… so don’t open it’…” I wagged my finger like a scolding parent. “It’s twisted.”

She was suddenly not interested in the screen anymore, her eyes were honey-coloured again and fixed on me… she wanted to know the stories Mom used to tell me? I remembered all the stories Raven had told me… about the stars… where the constellations had come from (not really… but it was stories… not science)

I tried to accept the whole we won’t die today thing… because it was Raven and if she wanted to kill me she would have something grander in store. I smiled at the thought. Obviously, she wouldn’t… but she would definitely threaten it… with that sexy little shoulder wiggle, she does… STOP!

“Um…” I refocused. “She told me one about a boy who fell in love with a Princess from a land where no one grows old… and he followed her there. They were happy there for years… decades. But he starts to miss home, so the Princess gives him a horse and lets him go home… because she loves him too much to keep him if he is sad. She told him to never get off the horse because if he did he would age quickly. After all, he was on mortal land again. But he gets off the horse when he learns his Father died years before… and he… dies… not right away. He tells people about the land of youth and then… learns of his father’s heroic deeds… and then dies. All alone… No family left, away from the place that became his home, the woman he loved… who loved him… they were both just… alone.” 

I laughed then… “She was kinda dark.” I shook my head. I never remembered her stories as tragic… but hell!! “Or maybe I’m remembering it wrong. I think I was ten the last time she told me a story.”

•— Raven —•

“You’re telling me. Also, who gives evil as a gift too?” I motion to shoot myself in the head.

Tilting my head to the side, my eyebrows pulled together in concentration as I followed the broken story.

Some part of me watching it playing out in my mind. Seeing the two in love. The princess and the boy, find one another from different worlds and still find something that makes them fall in love. Filling the devastation. In the princess's heart to know she wasn’t enough for her love, that he wasn’t happy with her and the home they made together.

A thick lump grew in my throat as I imagined her waiting for his return. And he never came. Leaving her alone and wondering what happened to him….

Clearing my throat because John’s laughter pulled me out of those thoughts.

“I haven’t heard of that one before. I don’t think.” I wasn’t trying too hard to recall the bedtime stories from my childhood. Because they stopped the day I lost my dad.

“Hmm.. yeah. That was a little dark. But a good lesson.”

•— John —•

I hadn’t ever thought of the evil box story like that… “I always assumed she was being punished or cursed when they gave her the box.” I tilted my head and wondered about all the ways stories unfolded differently from person to person.

I could see it again; the story opening up in her mind… becoming her vision of the words. I wanted to know what lessons she saw in it… because mine? Well… I never had any… not until right now. Not until I heard it again. I heard Jackson’s voice in my head, urging me to give up a little of myself to help build closeness. I did that with Raven long before he’d spoken these words to me… but not about love… not the kind of love the boy and the Princess shared. But now… with these fictional characters to put front and centre…

Maybe…

I looked down at my feet for a moment and then up again. “Yeah… I guess… When you find the person you love… and they love you too. Home is where ever you can be together. Maybe even if they don’t…” I trailed off before saying love you back. Because just loving someone in secret… well… it was better than never loving anyone. Right?

•— Raven —•

“Maybe…” reiterating John‘s last sentence. “Even if they don’t love you back.” Half laughing now softly at how close to my truth this story had come.

“It’s like following the boy you love to a planet which was meant to be dead. And then... Finding him… In love with someone else?”

And still, no part of me was bitter about it. Maybe at first, I had been. But it didn’t last long, because I came to terms with the truth… no one could love me and live.

Shaking those feelings and thoughts away. I turned my attention back to the screen booting up before me. The monitor was so old, the keyboard had been overused, and some of the keys faded.

My hand rubbed my thighs as I sat there. “I know it’s a scary place to be.” I finally figured I should tell him. “But I was only joking about going into the big cargo box things, blind, I’ve learnt my lesson since we went searching for answers on Becca’s island.”

•— John —•

No matter how my feelings for Raven had grown and changed, listening to her talk about Finn, cry for him… miss him. It never stung; it never made my stomach ache like it did when I saw her with Shaw. She had chosen to leave Finn… even if she never stopped loving him. She had decided she deserved better than he could offer.

“I don’t think that was love, Raven. At least, not any kind of love I would want someone to feel for me… I know he believed it was. But I don’t think love is meant to destroy things… and that… whatever it was… it destroyed Finn and Clarke.” It was true… Clarke hadn’t been the same since, even if she’d survived it. Finn’s obsession had killed him. Is that how I love her? Was it destructive? Would the way I love her wreck her? “But I don’t think he ever stopped loving you… maybe something in him broke when he thought he lost you on the Ark… I know how that feels.” The last part came out too fast… too easily. And that was what I got for letting my guard down.

I laughed at what she said. “Oh hell!!! Did I just become the boring one? Needing to know all the details and plan everything in advance?” I hoped that my outburst would distract her from my slip.

•— Raven —•

I couldn’t agree or disagree with what John had stated. Because only those who were in that relationship knew trust.

‘But I don’t think he ever stopped loving you… maybe something in him broke when he thought he lost you on the Ark… I know how that feels.’

Had I loved Finn? Yes. With all my heart. As far back as my first memory. Finn was there. The boy next door. The boy who had taken care of me when no one else saw I was hurting. Had he loved me? At one time, yes. But then…

What he and Clarke made. I wasn’t privileged to that information. And Clarke wasn’t the sharing kind.

My mind came back to:

‘ … I know how that feels.’

John knew how it felt? Who had he left behind on the Ark? He’d never shared that with me. But the swift change in subject told me, he didn’t mean for me to hear him. He wanted to keep this secret to himself, and I wasn’t going to drag the truth out of his heart. “Yup! You are officially known as the boring one. Boring McBoredFace.”

Waggling my eyebrows at him as I bit my lip.

“Who is going to believe me when I tell them how mature you have become? They are going to lock me up and throw away the key! Because there is no explanation as to why or how it even happened!”

Was that enough to put him at ease?

•— John —•

She didn’t say anything else about Finn, but because I knew she would talk about him when she felt the need… or he was on her mind for whatever reason… I didn’t push. I hoped she would talk to me about it anytime she felt the need or even the want to. I mean, they had good times too, right? It wasn’t all cheating and surviving.

“Really?” My brows went so high my eyes might have bugged. “That’s what you’re going with…” I laughed. “I prefer to go by Survivor FitzHardToKill if you don’t mind!”

I pulled up another of the rickety stools. “Come on then…. Let's hear it… what’s in these creepy arse boxes, Reyes? Besides the ghost of my inner child, and three hundred inmates!” I teased her about her maturity comment.

•— Raven —•

“Hey…” nudging his shoulder when he came to sit next to me. “I was a little chuffed at the nickname, thank you very much.”

Pretending to sulk at how unimpressed he seemed to be. “I know I haven’t lost my touch. So, it is definitely you who has lost his funny bone.” Laughing as I turned my attention to the flickering screen waiting for a command to open the world of information this little baby was holding.

“Well, as you are so curious, the least I can do is help you find yourself.” Typing the search code for us to bring up a list of all the folders. “Interesting.” Muttering as I moved down the page with the tab key.

“Looks like the numbers of these files correspond with the numbers on the containers.” Gazing back over my shoulder.

•— John —•

I laughed… she was far too much fun for someone sitting about ten feet from a giant box of hazardous materials. I nodded… “Damn… I guess you must be rubbing off on me, overachiever!” I watched her concentration face as she typed in commands I couldn’t begin to understand.

I looked over my shoulder and read her the number on the container, when she said the list had the numbers of each box… “I don’t think that we could ever search all of these… if they kept supplies here surely some of them would be empty, right?”

Then I was thinking out loud… “If they have mining equipment on board it could probably help us when we get to the ground, right? Like clearing ground for crops… building and stuff like that? I mean it's not very likely there will be a lot of buildings left after Praimfaya.”

•— Raven —•

My eyebrows pulled together, a tinge of that frustration attempting to show its face again. The slowness I could feel in me when collating the data. But I pushed it back quickly. Reminding myself. That code was killing me. And I was alive to help these people. Dead Raven helped no one.

“Uhmm…” nodding my head slowly. “You’re right, and yes they have equipment.” Pointing my hand to the far side of the hold. “It’s packed away from over there if things were replaced in the correct positions. Which let’s face it, to run a ship like this, they would have to be.”

I kept tapping down the list. “And some are empty. Where supplies have been used. There are damaged goods too.” I could see them labelled on the lists. “Looks like they didn’t leave anything behind when they were mining. Which is a good thing.”

But it was the container with the hazardous warnings I wanted to find. Not that I would tell him. But John was right. We needed to know if there was a chance these things could harm people or the ship.

•— John —•

There it was; that irritation… the mild resentment at the loss of the things that the Bitch in the Red Dress had given her… claiming her life as the cost. But Raven chose her life. She chose what she called her dysfunctional family, and the memory of that hit me, warming my chest because in a way… she’d chosen me too. It was a small way… but I was part of that family she held together with her loyalty and dedication. I put my hand on her knee and whispered. “You chose us… don’t forget that.”

I watched her and not the information that was scrolling on the screen. But I heard everything she said… When she mentioned damaged equipment I fixed my gaze on hers. “Don’t even think about it,” I told her. “I know that you will want to get to it all later… but you already have so much to do with the ship alone Rey… you can’t take all that on too. And the grounders on board have plenty of building skills for when we get back to the ground… anything in this room can wait.”

I knew she was still looking for the container that piqued our interest close to the entry, but I didn’t want her adding broken equipment to the long list I knew she had in her head.

•— Raven —•

My lips parted and then closed a few times. Of course, he had read it in my face, was I that transparent? Or had my friend learnt to read me like a mirror? I wasn’t going to deny what I had allowed myself to think and feel for a fleeting moment. Because that would be disrespectful to his intelligence, and a lie. Which I wasn’t willing to accept in our friendship. We’d suffered from lying in the past. We weren’t going back there again.

Then I felt him staring at me like I would do something stupid if he took his eyes off me for a second. Which of course his next reaction sealed the deal.

“Hells, watcher! Would you stop looking at me like that? And stop trying to read my mind. I wasn’t…. Going to do it now… maybe in a few days… or once everyone was in cryo.” The last word goes up an octave to make it sound like a question. Which we both knew I had the right answer to.

“Those of us still awake will need something to keep our time going. I’m just…” Daring to look at him from the side of my eyes. “Making myself a little list of tasks. That’s all.”

Not a lie… it was what I would do. I think. Maybe.

My glance moved back to the screen, and I stopped my finger from hitting the button below it. The numbers flashing before me were the once’s we were looking for.

•— John —•

I nodded, feeling more relieved than I probably had a right to be. “Hey, if you wanna revisit it all after everyone is asleep I’m all for it… but you have more than enough on your plate right now… and don’t think I don’t know you stay up nights working on those parts you have in your room.” Maybe I would find a way to stay with her tonight… at least until she fell asleep. I wonder if there was more of that ice cream stuff that seemed to get us a little high and then completely crash.

Thinking about what I would do when everyone was in cryo was stressful. I knew there was no way to argue that I was essential personnel. I know Raven had promised to do everything in her power…

Maybe I could talk to Jackson about it too… I was just starting to have a life that was about more than staying alive… Surely that was a good reason not to press pause for five years and lose the common ground I had built with all of these people? Right?

I glanced back at the container and then at the screen, leaning in a little… this screen was weird. It wasn’t like the tablets or screens used on the Ark. It kinda looked like glass. “Isn’t that the one we’re looking for?” There was more data beneath it that seemed like it was in a different language.

“So… do we know what the mystery surprise is? Is the skin about to melt off our bones?” I shuddered…. Shit!!! Was it? I mean we’d seen that happen! I scanned what little skin Raven had on show… She looked fine.

•— Raven —•

“I swear, John Murphy. I don’t know why I promise never to hit you again. Because sometimes when you talk, I want to smack you upside the head.” Giving him a side eye, with a playful smile.

“Keep talking like that and I’ll think you actually like me, and it isn’t an act to get some more of that ice cream block.” I knew he was worried about me overdoing it. And he was bringing up some good points. None of which I would voice. There was nothing worse than a big-headed John Murphy.

Hunched over the screen reading the list of contents as I spoke to him. “I think I’m going to start biting you. It’s only fair if you’re going to try to stop my fun.” He didn’t know for sure I was staying up. But he had a thread if he kept pulling it. The truth would come out.

“Uhmm…” Engrossed in the information flicking before me. “Yeah… this is the one.” Frowning as it slowly came to me.

“Hells!” Sitting up straight again, mindlessly rubbing my thighs.

“It’s full of explosives. Some brainiac thought it was a good idea to put them all in one container right at the front!”

Looking back to John. “It’s what they used off planet for the mining.”

Sighing heavily. “We need to look in there. See how safe it is… but…” trying to think this through. Imagining all the faces of the innocent souls onboard. 

“We need to tell the others first. It’s fine right now. But… who knows until we have eyes on what is left in there.”

•— John —•

 I chuckled at her and shook my head. “Just not the face and I’ll give you a free pass.” I knew she wouldn’t… I remember how badly she’d reacted to my split lip after she hit me when ALIE was still eating away her mind. And then just as it was healing we caught that planhacka (bastard) grounder on the island that had bashed my face in a few times before we got the better of him. That hadn’t helped her either.

“You need someone to share that stuff with! Being that high alone is no fun at all!” I laughed remembering the feeling and the hangover… that wasn’t quite a hangover… but was. My brow quirked and I tilted my head when she mentioned biting me. “Kinky!” I teased then muttered for her to hear. “It’s always the quiet ones.”

I stood up protectively… like putting myself between her and the container of whatever made her react like this would do anything at all.

“Explo….” I dragged my hand true my hair. “There are one hundred and fifty-year-old explosives on the ship containing half of the remaining human race?” I wasn’t sure the people in the bunker qualified as human after what they did… but they were there all the same… if it survived.

“I could run back up top and get the engineers… and Abby… But I really don’t want to leave you here Rey. I didn’t bring a radio. Can we communicate with other parts of the ship from here?” The idea of leaving her here was unacceptable… but dragging her back to Level One and back here again? That was just as bad.

•— Raven —•

“Easy there, Watcher.”

I held my hand out to tell him to sit back down. His demeanour changed in a blink. One second he is all about the pretty face, and highs of sugar rushes, and we won’t touch base on the kinky comment. Because let’s face it, I’d make his face turn rose-red! And then… this… he stood between me and the contractor holding the really big boom sticks!

“It’s not going to go off unless we mess with it.” Rubbing my hand over my face. “Which we are not going to do. Not now. Not ever.” There were too many souls on this ship we needed to keep safe.

“We need to look inside. But we are going to do anything and everything to make sure that we have the explosives stable.” Chewing on my lips thinking about the fact that we were going to be able to get out of here without any problems.

“I think our little excursion has come to its end. We need to touch base with the others. Marcus and Bells will want to come down and take a look for themselves. As will Griff.”

•— John —•

“Sorry… the whole bombs and explosion thing… still triggers me a bit…” I didn’t mention that the bomb that blew up the bridge on the ground had resulted in my having my fingernails ripped out. They didn’t believe me when I told them I had no idea anyone at the camp was a bomb maker. I didn’t even know Raven was on the ground then, and if I did… There was no way for me to know she was capable of building a bomb in a tin can. No one could have known the grounders had me and I didn’t want her torturing herself over it.

“And you shouldn’t tell the grounders either… not until we know they are secured.” I was secretly hoping they would float the bloody things… but that was wishful thinking. They would claim they would be useful back on earth… building… clearing land, and gathering materials. When we all knew it would end up as weapons. But I was worried about with the crew of the ship would do if the grounders got restless.

I nodded, she was right… “Okay… c’mon… let's shut all this down… I’ll walk you back to your room. How many people have the code for this room? Do we need to find a way to lock it, just in case?”

There wasn’t really much I could do but wait for her… once again I was sitting and simply watching her work. Although… now, I think she was comfortable with it instead of feeling like her space was being invaded… And that was… progress? Right?

•— Raven —•

“Don’t apologise, I know it’s something we need to be careful with. On top of it all, we don’t want to cause any unnecessary trouble with the council. But keeping it from them?”

Frowning as I kept reading the lists on the screen. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Keeping secrets, and lying, that’s what got us all in this situation in the first place. We need to be open and transparent. I feel that Everyone needs to have the full information, then we can all make the best decisions.” Turning to face him once I was reading to leave.

“We have to do it right this time, John.” Leaning forward to place a hand on his knee. “If we’re looking to do better, to make life for everyone more than what we had before, we have to be honest.” My hazel eyes took in what I saw. Fear? There was fear in his eyes. “Let’s go, we can think about it. And right now, everybody is too busy with the council and trying to settle on the ship to think about down here. You and I are the only ones who came down here.” Getting up I felt a sharp shot of pain, but breathing through it I smiled nodding to the door.

“It’s been a long day. You’re right. We need to think about things first.”

[oktorpg]

Partners in Crime – Book 3 – Chapter 5 - Storyline 10 – Together - Part 1

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 10

Partners in Crime

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

       ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜ

            ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: 5 ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

               ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

•— Raven —•

“You know what… I feel like being nice today.”

•— John —•

"What are you plotting?"

•— Raven —•

“Me? Plotting? As if I would?” Smirks.

“Also, why aren’t you offering to help? And you call yourself my friend.”

•— John —•

“Please!! We all know when it comes to plotting, I am the genius! You are the one that needs to make my crazy ideas  possible!”

•— Raven —•

“Excuse Me!!” Poking him in the chest with narrowed eyes. “Correct me if I’m wrong, however I’ve had a big hand in the last two or three plots we worked on!”

•— John —•

“You did… but like I said…. My plots… your genius inventions! I’ll split the credit 50/50.” Holding out my hand to seal the deal.

•— Raven —•

My eyes linger on the outstretched hand. I shook my head. “More effort goes into the execution of a plan. 80/20 sound better from where I stand.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head, like I might be pondering her offer. “60/40?” I countered with a smirk.

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head slowly, biting my lips.  “70/30. If you ask nicely.”

•— John —•

I swallowed… what the… my heart did a thing. And I felt like I would give her anything she wanted at that moment. But that would give me away.

“65/35” I pressed leaning form added a little, turning light blue eyes up to her.

•— Raven —•

“Deal!” Reaching out I took his hand in mine. Shaking it before he changed his mind.

“I would have giving the last offer if you pushed, Watcher! I win!” Winking at him with a shoulder nudge.

•— John —•

“Did you though?” I raised a single brow?  “You accepted my offer… sooooo don’t I win?”

•— Raven —•

Dropping his hand to wave his outlandish claim off. “Yes, yes I did. I’m not a novice, John. I know when a deal is ready for negotiation and when to call it.”

•— John —•

I gasped, loud and dramatic! “You took advantage of me!?! I’m horrified!!” My very poor attempt at not laughing failed miserable.

“So who are we prancing today?”

•— Raven —•

“You’ll get over yourself.” Rolling my eyes at him, with a lick of my lips. I pointed to the door with the window in the middle of it.

“We are not prancing. More like…” tapping my chin as I thought. “Making things fun.”  On the other side of the door say Harper and Luna’s  class of children of all ages. “There is a box of the ice cream to make up for whatever we do.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head looking at her…. “Okay fine…. But after the we can do a real prank right?” I couldn’t play a joke on those kids; they had been through so much…

“Maybe we try make a game of leaning some of the Tek on board. I know a lot of the grounders are struggling with  lights and even doors. Kids pick up these things faster.”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my hands together. “I knew you would be the perfect partner in crime for this. And yeah. That’s sounds pretty good to me.”

Waving my hand towards the door. “I was thinking about a light show in the observation room. However, learning is the more important thing to do.”

•— John —•

“That would be a good reward… something for them to look forward too if they work hard?” I smiled… going even if they didn't work at all she would still do it. “I know most of the kids are well-recovered, but this place is still very strange to them… showing them it can be pretty, and fun could go a long way to helping when it's time to go to cryo.”

•— Raven —•

Biting on my lips I let my eyes moved away from John. How did this guy always hit the nail on the head? “Uhmm… yeah… yes. Of course.” Shifting off one foot to the other.

“Some part of me feels guilty.” Blurting it out. “You know, they had a life on the ground. They were allowed to be kids. But here… we are going to freeze them in time. I feel like I’m going to steal their childhood or something.” My logic mind knew the truth, however my heart… it had another story to tell.

•— John —•

“Raven… a lot of these kids lived in poverty, or started working the land as soon as they could hold a rake.” I told her. “They would be dead on the ground... And not because of us… Because of the toxic death traps humans built 100 years ago. Here, they are medicine. Their  families… and soon they'll go to sleep, safe and warm.

They won't know hunger, or rationing…. Solar flare hideouts, or water shortages. Then…when they walk up, they will be home. And it will feel like the blink of an eye. They'll all still be the same age; they won't lose a moment of innocence.” I stepped closer to her. “You might feel like they are losing time… but it's not true… it's just because you'll be watching them through the glass.”

I knew she wouldn't go into cryo. She would stay and make sure everyone was safe. “But to them… no time will pass. And I'll be right there. On the other side of the glass with you. The whole time.”

•— Raven —•

“It’s cold…” the words came out without a thought. “The Cryo… it’s cold… not warm.” Swallowing back the floods of emotions which rared its head out of nowhere.

Of course, I knew John told the truth, but guilt came with no rhyme, nor reason. It liked to sit on my chest  free of charge.

And then it hit me. “What did you say?” Frowning a little. “Why aren’t you going in?” Lowering my voice so I didn’t disturb the class of children.

“John why wouldn’t—“ it hit me. Why would he? The realisation did not stop the anxiety of what it would mean if he didn’t go in with the rest.

“John….??”

•— John —•

“Oh…” I mean I knew that but… “They… um… won’t feel the cold, will they?” I knew that too. I mean, they weren’t literally frozen… I didn’t understand the science, but I knew that much.

“I can’t, Raven… I just… I’ll make myself useful. I will but don’t ask me to go  in there if…” I stopped myself from saying -if you’re not.-

“Besides… do you really think I will let you have years on me? You’re already smarter than me. I won’t let wield age over me too.” I laughed.

Would it truly create an age gap between us? It wasn’t something I  prepared to risk... The few days I had lost her were like a living hell. She would live a life for five years while I slept. I wouldn't even know her when I woke up. Wed be strangers again.

•— Raven —•

How was I going to break this down? First glancing around, because I didn’t need an audience.

“We don’t have enough sedation for everyone.” Keeping my voice low. The children will be the first to be given it, so that their experience is as smooth as possible. Then the clans heads are assigned to tell us who is likely to need what is left.” Rubbing my forehead, I shifted to rest my shoulder on the cold metal wall. “This is something they are trying to work out in the council room. Well. One of the things.”

Dropping my gaze to the floor I sighed  “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to John. I’ve learnt my lesson when it comes to that. However, I need to you understand what you are asking. The fact that everyone but a skeleton crew will be sleeping. Dreaming I hope of a new world where we can make  better choices. Be better people. They will all be waiting for this world… and five years…. It’s an incredible amount of time to be left with your thoughts up here.”

His mental health had to come first. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. And I promise not to hold my wisdom and years over you.” Half smiling, I gave him a nudge.

•— John —•

I shuddered. Not at the idea that there wasn’t enough sedation… grounders were tough they would handle it. As long as the kids were looked after. It was the dreaming… five years locked in my head with my monsters? I’d rather float myself…

I knew she would be there… or I hoped… who would she be by then? Who would stay awake with her? Would they be her family? Would she fall in love?

My heart squeezed. “You’d be a stranger.” I blurted out…. “Five years… you… it’s…” I stopped and took a breath. “There aren’t a lot of people that ever cared about me… or that I cared about. I can’t… I couldn’t… wake up and they won a care about the most was a stranger… how..” I stammered. “And what if….” I stopped. What if she was right and we dreamed for five whole years. Five years in hell, running, dying alone, watching her die again and again. 

“I need to be on that crew, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

My feet took me towards the shadows in the corridor. I could have him witness the entire scene on my face while he spoke, and my emotions made themselves knows.

My heart sank at the thought of becoming a stranger to him. But wouldn’t that be true for them all? Everyone who went to sleep?

“What about Emori, of Luna. You know they need you to be there for them too. I’m not worth giving up time for John.” Hearing him use the Nick name he himself gave to me, made something in my stomach twist.

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t feel is correct. I just….” Tugging at the ponytail on my head. “I just need you to understand the meaning of staying awake. Of the responsibilities on your shoulders, what if something goes wrong ? What if you and I mess up and fight, and you never want to see me again?” the fact came as I said it. If he came to ask me to put him to sleep. I would do it for him. No questions asked.

•— John —•

I wasn’t sure #Luna would be willing to let herself be put under… #Emori? Maybe. She was a survivor. But she might just choose family after the regrets of choosing the leave the island.

“I don’t know for sure what they will want when the time comes.” I admitted. “But I know what I want. And it not just because if terrified of those tiny little coffin….” I shuddered. Then, I can out and said it. “I want to be where you are… I want to work on all my shit…” I rubbed at the side of my head. “And be the person I thought I was becoming on the  island, before we back down there. I see him more clearly when you’re around.” Then I chuckled.

“But if you think we’ll last 5 years without a fight? You’re delusional. But…” I closed some of the space she made between us. “There’s no world where I never wanna see you. You are a lot of… fun…” I quirked a brow. “… to look at.”

•— Raven —•

My heart in my chest did something, as did my stomach. Because he wanted to be with me. He was picking something no one had done since….. pushing that thought away before I needed to think it to the end. Rolling my eyes, which I was certain he couldn’t see. I slapped him up the side of his head.

“And you were doing so well there, Watcher. Had me thinking you were all feels… but then you’re a teasing little shit.” However, I closed the rest of the space hugging him. Hiding my face from him. “You’re an arse.” Then curious to ask.

“This isn’t because of the island and boat thing. You are going for a long nap isn’t the same thing… and we are over that misstep in our friendship John.”

•— John —•

I laughed; I knew I had broken her tension. I rubbed my head where she slapped me... not because it hurt. She hadn't laid a hand on me to cause me pain since the night she split my lip, and subsequently promised to never hurt me again.

 Then she hugged me, and I was frozen. I hugged her back after two heartbeats. She smelled like she always did, like machine oil and sparks... like home.

"No, it's not about that, it's about this." I squeezed her "It's about family..." Maybe the other would choose this too? I thought to myself. "I think this is how I heal, Stargazer. On the island, there were... less people. People I learned to trust. Maybe whatever crew stay awake... I can learn to trust too. But I need you... to call me on my bullshit and remind me to do better. And I really, really... need to know you're alive."

•— Raven —•

Something tightened in my chest. His letter flashed before my eyes where he asked me to stay alive.

Shaking my head, I pulled back and mustered up the courage to smile. “Okay. So It’s for our small dysfunctional family. This I can get myself behind.”

Still hoping he wouldn’t ever end up regretting making this choice. “And if you are mad at me, the ships big enough for you to never have to see me.” Squeezing his shoulders.

“Okay. So.” Looking around “Brains of the Universe. What are we going to do for a little fun for the kids?”

•— John —•

I smiled, still holding onto her... and wondering how long was too long.

"Yeah, that... and maybe more selfishly for myself. I think this is my chance to... get my head on straight." I put a small amount of distance between us, enough to see her face "#Luna has already agreed that the next time we fight she will lock us in a room until it's fixed or there's only a single survivor."

I let go of her when she reverted to her plan for the kids. "I think the first thing to do is maybe teach them what not to do.... like accidentally opening an airlock."

•— Raven —•

His eyes, those deep-sea blue eyes. They ones I’d seen so much in has lost some of their brightness, however I was determined to bring it back.

“As long as it is my cabin, or work space we will be fine. You know I’m all about the multi-tasking when I’m angry.”

Breaking a hug  wasn’t how I did things. I licked to give the other person the time they needed before pulling away. But the sliding sound of door behind us caught my attention.

‘Hello you two. What do we owe the pleasure too?’ #Harper stood there what a child on her finger and a smirk.

•— John —•

“Hell no!!” I laughed. “Neutral ground… you already have an advantage… I’m not adding all your tools into that as well." The door opened too soon, Raven was doing that thing where she was watching my eyes and that, of course, meant was staring.

Then Harper was there, and my  face burned like a child caught sneaking out during their station's sleep cycle.

I cleared my throat. "Um..." I looked at Raven. "We thought we have the world's greatest and possibly only mechanic... Give the kids a crash course in how this place works."

•— Raven —•

“Hey! I’m not doing it all by myself!” Smacking him up the side of his head before letting go to turn and face #Harper.

Her eyes lingered on John and then me, and back again. “Harper? What do you think?” Clicking my fingers to gain her attention.

‘Oh. Yeah. A field trip should good. We should plan it out first right? Make sure the place is safe for the little ones?’ Pointing to the young one on her finger.

“Between all four of us, and I’m sure we could ask others to help next time too, we should mange it. What do you think Watcher?”

•— John —•

“Really? What do you have against my hair?” I teased dragging my fingers through it. “I mean it’s kids how hard can it be?” #Harper’s eyebrow quirked. I figured that meant very.

‘They are good kids. But they hardly speak any English…’ Harper explained.

“Consider me your  trusty translator.” She gave me another look. “I might not be as good as #Clarke but I can speak Trig.” I told her.

‘Oh I know that… but… how do I know you won't fill their heads with mischief? Because I hardly speak any’

I smirked. “I’ll make that easy too. I absolutely  will fill their heads with mischief.”

I walked into the room, recognizing many of the kids. “Yungon Kru!” (young one clan) I called to them. “Gada raun hir.” (gather around) I held out my arms like a Shepherd herding his flock and they gathered. Sitting in the floor around  me. They were fascinated by a Skaikru speaking their language. “Finally.” I sighed, smiling at the two women. “The respect I deserve.”

Harper muttered something, grinning.

•— Raven —•

‘Of course, he is at home with the children.’ #Harper muttered to me as the two of us stood beside one another watching John take centre stage for his first performance on the ship.

“Don’t knock the free help here, he is giving you a break from the madness.” She was smiling and shrugged her shoulders.

‘You know Rey, I’ve trained to be a perfect marksperson. They put a gun in my hand, and I took to it. But this.’ Lifting her chin towards the kids. ‘This gives me peace… you know?’ And I did. I understood what she must feel. “Maybe this is why I keep looking for ways to help these children? To make up for some of the bad I’ve done on their world.”

We both were smiling now. Watching from the sideline, Harper proud of the kids, and me proud of the Watcher.

•— John —•

I spotted #Dela in the group and grinned, looking over to see if Raven had seen her yet. She was looking good. Her eyes were still dark and her skin a little pale, but she seemed to have as much energy as all the other kids.

Rey was talking quietly with Harper.

I explained in Trig to the children that we were going to take a little walk around the ship and stopped…#Dela was Trishanakru… they had led the anti-tek attacks in Polis.

I walked back to the two women. “#McIntyre… do you know how many of these kids are Trishanakru?”

I couldn't  help but worry. Dela’s father had been kind to me when I helped his daughter. Would we start a conflict with them teaching this to the children?

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I both turned to face John at the same time. 

‘Trishanakru.. Uhm… yeah, we have six in the room right now. The others aren’t really allowed to come yet. Luna is working on it.’

She turned her attention to the room point them out as she spoke. ‘We have Dela….’ I could hear another word. My eyes found the little girl who I had carried onto this ship. Her smile found me, and she came running over. Opening my arms for her I held on to her for dear life. She was my saving, Grace. The one thing I had gotten right in so long. She was still a little pale, weak, however full of life.

Emotions filled my with a lump in my throat, tightening in my chest. But I knew. They were of the good kind.

When I asked her how she was, the girl began to tear up.

‘I…I.. kiss you?’ I stood stunned. ‘Miss…’ #Harper corrected. ‘I missed you.’ She smiled at #Dela. The girl nodded her head, saying again slowly to ensure it was correct.

I beamed with pride. “Yu dig mou snap.” (You learnt fast). Combing her hair off her face. “I missed you too.” Smiling I remembered Johns question. “Why are you asking about Dela’s kru?”

•— John —•

I counted the number of kids in the room… six from TrishanaKru… that was likely a majority… but that made no sense. With clothes being shared, especially for the children (the prison uniforms weren’t an option) and with every tribe came in all colours and shapes (even if a  few did have a clear majority of skin colour.) The girls all were too young to need to cover their hair if they were Sangedakru and they were all too young to have any tribal markings or identifying tattoos.

“Six…” I muttered. “That makes no sense.”

I chuckled at #Dela’s mixed-up words… but she was learning. “You have a fan, Stargazer.” I said to Raven quietly.

Then I stepped closer to the girls, sticking to English now. “#Illian was Trishanakru and he led all of the Tek raids in Polis after the City of Light fell… they are or at least, were… anti-tek… but up here… #Dela’s father is the elder… an if he has encouraged parents to send the kids here…. Maybe…” I trailed off… trying to figure this out. “We don’t want to cross any lines and hurt the chance of the Clan working with us.”

I got down to #Dela’s level. “Chit don yu Nontu tell yu op hasta komb’ir raun hir?” (What did your father tell you about coming here.)

#Dela looked a little nervous. “En’s ku, Dela. Osir jos gaf gon tich yo hasta…” (it’s okay, Dela. We just want to) Shit! There was no Trigedasleng word  for spaceship…. I looked up at the others… Raven learned her Trig from me and #Luna. I wished the Zen Master was here.

‘Skaidon?’ #Dela provided. ‘Luna Kom Flokru tag on….’ She motioned all around us with large movements. ‘Skaidon-de’ (Skyboat? Luna of the Boat People  calls this the sky boat.)

I told her; Yes, we want to teach the children about the sky boat. And she explained to me that her father told her to learn everything Skaikru taught them because they knew more about our new home.

Then I came back to the two women again. “Dela said Delano told them all to learn anything we can teach them. I think he’s more open-minded than the previous leadership. I think we should do it.”

•— Raven —•

“I’m a bloody rockstar. You are the only one who doesn’t drop at my feet, Watcher.” #Harper coughed to hide her laughter at the two of us.

My own attention moved to the small girl and how she looked while speaking with John. I could pick up the gist of the conversation, however felt a little lost too.

“Delano? Why would he stop us?”

#Delano, #Dela’s had been a kind man. Someone is spoken to a few times now. He was thrust into a position of leadership for his people who had followed him and his wife onto the carrier that day of evacuation. #Dela’s mother had pleaded for help, her daughter lay dying in their - arms. Just the reminder of the day made my stomach churn.

#Dela slipped her small hand into mine and I didn’t hesitate to close my fingers around it. If she needed my touch right now. I would give it. “Delano is a kind man, and he’s seen what we can do to help his people.” Smiling down at the girl. “He came to the med bay and stayed by his daughters side. He was watching, learning, and listening. I can’t see anything wrong with the child’s learning about where they are living now.”

The way #Harper glanced around the room and then to John told me I was romanticising my outlook at little?

‘I don’t know guys, John’s making a good point. What if we take it in small groups? Leave the TrishanaKru children until Luna is back?’

“Also, not a bad thing I guess.” My attention was back on John again. “Why did you say this didn’t make any sense? Before. When Harper told you there are six kids here?”

•— John —•

“I know… But under #Delano’s leadership, the Clan are opening up a little more.” I said to her. I couldn’t help but be stunned that #Harper was taking me seriously. That wasn’t anything against #Harper, she and I never had any real issues. In lock-up, I may have made a few  inappropriate comments to her… playing up to the crowd, but she never seemed to hold it against me. It was simply the fact that anyone was taking me seriously… #Emori had been the first and then Raven and #Luna… I thought that #DrGriffin had started to as well… but I had  just been the most convenient person for the job she needed done.

“I feed all of these people… I know exactly how many children are on this ship… there are thirteen clans. Trishanakru has nine minors… three are teenagers. So essentially all their kids are here. Maths  isn’t my strong suit but based on the number of kids in the room… it’s a huge majority. It’s like the clan has made a complete U-turn in their opinions of Skaikru.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper’s eyes were on me; I could feel them so when I met them it wasn’t a surprise to see the shock. All I could do was shrug my shoulders to say, ‘Yeah, it’s him… John Murphy… stepping up and taking notice.’

We turned our attention back to him, well… #Harper did, mine  moved to the room and the children.

“But are they really?” Lifting my chin to the room. “There isn’t much tech in here. It’s not even a real class room.” I’d been here a few times now, helping #Luna and #Harper when I could. Being around the hustle and bustle of the youngsters gave me a sense of purpose and peace.

“Luna tells then stories, she’s kinda good at it, and Harper here plays with them. Teaching them some of our language and learning theirs.” I could feel her nodding. ‘Luna and I gather things from around the ship we feel could be of help to them. So, they aren’t completely lost. However, we don’t force them to go against their clans in any way. It’s kinda one of the main reasons some of the children aren’t allowed to come. Luna says we need to build trust, not betray it.’ #Dela let go of my hand and run off to play with some of her friends, making my heart dance. “But I see where John is coming from. Six out nine children… that’s a high percentage.”

#Harper shifts towards John. ‘What am I missing. I still don’t understand why it’s worrying. Isn’t that a good thing?’

•— John —•

I looked around the room again. Okay, so they have a point… there's not a lot of technology in here. Would a prison ship have a classroom? Should I ask or was that a stupid question? No… it was definitely a stupid question.

I smiled at the mention of #Luna’s storytelling. “I mean… not much else to do on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean.” I chuckled fondly.

“You’re right… it is a good thing… I think.” I dragged my hand through my hair. Now my mind was racing with so many other thoughts now. My distrustful nature was sneaking back in. #Delano is a good man… isn’t he? I had thought the same about #Bellamy once and he hung me…

“No… Yeah… It’s a good thing. Hopefully, the rest of the clans will follow suit.” I said. “Okay… come on. Let’s do this thing. See what happens.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I exchanged looks once again. I knew him was clearly holding something back. And I could see from the look #Harper gave she thought the same. The question was should I push him to just say what he was thinking, or do I wait for him to feel comfortable enough to say  it by himself?

This friendship had just come back to some form of stability, and I was ashamed to admit to myself I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Telling myself John would tell me if he felt it was important. But then a part of me wanted him to just say whatever  was on his mind. Not to hold back. And I knew it would take time.

‘What are we doing? This was your brain wave.’ #Harper questions.

“We were thinking it would be a good idea to show the children the rest of the ship. Where they can go, where not to go because of danger.

You know safety measures.” I told her, still stealing gazes at John.

•— John —•

I saw the way Raven glanced at #Harper… Could she see the anxiety underlying my thoughts? I could tell her later without Harper and several sets of ears listening in. Damn… Was I so paranoid that I thought one or more of these children were faking not speaking  Gonasleng? Fuck!

No… #Delano is a good guy.

Right?

“Why don’t we take a walk and then anything you guys think is relevant we can stop and explain?” I looked between the two women… kids and lessons weren’t exactly my strong suit… but at least for this lone afternoon I was useful, I could translate.

It might only be for a few hours but feeling useful again… felt good.

•— Raven —•

“Let’s do this.” Rubbing my hands together with a smile.

“Right, who’s up for an adventure?” I asked in trig, and got it so wrong that;

1) the kids looked at me confused.

2) they whispered to one another. And 3) they slowly burst out in laughter. However, it didn’t cause me embarrassment nor that  uncomfortable feeling. I just laughter with them too.

“Opps…” loud whispering to John. “What in hells did I just say to them?”

#Harper began gathering the youngest of the children, guiding them toward the door however not opening it just yet. Finding myself watching her I couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been for her if choices were allowed and circumstance hadn’t changed her path.

“You’re so good with them Harper. And they really like you. I can tell.”

•— John —•

I chuckled a little at the mispronunciation. “You just ask if they wanted to get cooked.” I pinched my brows and tried to control my expression from teasing her. “Wom op… is to cook. And wona of is adventure or…” I tilted my head because as far as I knew there  wasn’t actually a Trig word for adventure. “Exploring. But you were close… on pronunciation at least.” I reached out and touched her arm, without thinking… like it was the most normal thing in the world to do.

It should have been hard to reconcile the expert marksman that  was #HarperMcIntyre with the Harper McIntyre in front of me now. Making children who could barely understand her smile, laugh, and follow instructions… But it wasn’t, it seemed like the perfect fit for her. I repeated what Raven had tried to say, in Trig, and the kids all looked up at us excitedly. I leaned into Raven and whispered because I didn’t want to steal #Harper’s thunder.

“Hey, looks like I’m pretty good at this too.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

“I know you are, who knows… maybe you’ve found another calling without expecting too?” The way these kids reacted to both these people had to be astounding. #Harper and John? Children whispers? Who would have thought, not me that’s who!

#Harper asked me to stand at the door, for John to stand in the middle about foot feet away from me, and she took the back with the last two kids.

Telling them to stay in the line, to hold the hands of their, ‘Buddy’ and to look after on another.

“Damn Harper, is it wrong that I’m a little turned on by the school teacher thing happening here?” Waggling my eyebrows, I shook my shoulders trying to tease her. And it worked, her cheeks and ears turned a Beet red making me laugh so hard.

“Okay Crew, you are the young officers of this ship, and it is your responsibility  to know and understand how to keep safe and look after those who cannot help themselves. So, let’s go and see what we can find!”

Opening the door, I turned to smile at John. “Hey Watcher, do you want to take the lead in exposing and explaining it all? My trig is No-way as good as yours.”

•— John —•

I laughed so hard I snorted. “Nope!” I shook my head vehemently. “Rare occasions like this are fine… but when it comes to kids; I’m a small doses kinda guy.” I shuddered remembering the few days I was forced to spend in the care centre after my mother died.

“Damn, Reyes… who  knew you were into blondes.” I chuckled.

I translated everything Raven said as best I could… taking up the position that #Harper asked me to as we filed out the door. I looked at Raven when she asked me to take the lead. “Um…” I looked at the kids and then around the ship… I had no idea how any of this stuff worked beyond the most basic function.

“I wouldn’t even know what was worth pointing out or not… How about you point, I translate… and if I think there’s anything else worth telling them about you can help tell me how it works?” I  raised a brow. “You know… teamwork and all?”

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes, “if only you knew all my kinks Watcher.” A mischievous grin on my face.

‘Rey! Children! John Do Not Translate that for them.’ #Harper shook her head and still smiled with a blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Okay… okay… we can do this. Team work.” Team works my arse… I knew where my strengths lay, and giving kid a tour wasn’t up in that list.

I was the nerd, the overachiever who thrived on knowing the consequences of all the action I planned to take. But this one? Well, it’s becoming clear I didn’t think it through at all.

Taking my jacket off, I wrapped it around my waist. Pulled and tugging at my braid trying to cool off my neck.

“Okay. Let’s head starboard, we can go to see the main deck. The main deck is where we pilot this ship from. Even if we are standing still right now. However, you can see the views of the stars from there.”

Walking ahead I felt a small hand lacing its way into mine. #Dela smiled up at me and I squeezed her to reassure both of us.

•— John —•

I help my hands out to #Harper in an 𝕆𝕙 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 gesture. “Oh, c’mon! Even I’m not that stupid.” I rolled my eyes and smirked. “Like I would air her kinks so openly when I could save them for use as blackmail later.” I laughed. #Harper gave me a look like she would wallop  me if she was close enough… even with the prying eyes of all the kids here.

Raven said starboard… I wasn’t unfamiliar with the word. I knew it meant a side of the ship… port and starboard, left and right… but which one was which? Was there a Trig word for starboard? My mind boggled while I tried to figure out if it was left or right. A cough came from behind me as we all followed Raven like little ducks in a row. I heard a cough from behind me that sounded like the word “Right.” I flashed #Harper an appreciative smile over my  shoulder.

“Rasad.”(Right) I said out loud… but then stopped and translated the whole sentence Rey had said. I shrugged at her. “I don’t know ship words.” I chuckled but I made a note to ask #Luna later. #Emori might know either; she knew her way around a vessel… but not  like The Zen Master did.

•— Raven —•

“Personal note, punch him in the arm. Just for the fun of it and payback.” Of course, I wouldn’t. The promise I made him and myself never to hit him again wouldn’t allow me, (not even as a joke.)

Listening to John translate, I felt a little impressed at him and myself. Who knew we could be a good team when it came to talking to the young ones.

“Crap, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you use your two brain cells. I’ll keep it simple from here.” Pointing to the corridor, coming up to our right. “We will be going right here. However, if you look ahead.” Pointing to the closed doors. “This is where the security room on this floor is situated. If you ever feel unsafe, or need help, or are lost, there will always be someone in there who will be willing to assist you.” As I say the words, the doors slide open to reveal #Nate and #Jasper coming out.

‘Hey… what’s going on here?’ #Jasper asked in a singsong voice. ‘Is there a party we didn’t get an invite to?’ Winking at the kids. The youngest of the group holding #Harper’s hand hid behind her. All we could see were green eyes from behind Harper’s leg.

‘There you go scaring that little ones, Jordan.’ #Nate rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, he scares me too.’ He bent down and smiled at the kids.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at her. “Hey, you’re the one in need of my mad skills! Sorry if my brain cells are full because I learned an entire language in the span of a few months.” I rubbed it in.

“Dison hir bilaik faswogeda-de.” (This is the security room.) I translated for her… then  continued with everything else she said.

I moved to the back of the line while one of the boys at the front traced the Ark logo on #Nathan’s shoulder. I asked the little girl hiding behind #Harper.

‘Gona.’ (Soldier) She whispered, pointing at the guys.

“Nou.” (No) I told  her, offering her my hand. “Emo… Bloka. Chilkepa. Emo kep oso klir.” (They are Guards. Peacekeepers. They keep all of us safe.)

The girl finally took my hand and came with me to the front of the line. “Naithon… Jaspa…”

‘Bloka?’ She looked at me and I nodded. Then she  touched Nathan’s shoulder too. ‘Kep oso klir.’

‘What did you tell her?’ #Nate asked.

“She thought you were a soldier… Gona… I told her you were a Guard or a Peacekeeper.” I wasn’t really sure that he would like that, but we need these kids to know that we weren’t their enemy, or their jailers.

#Jasper grinned. ‘Clever.’

“Not just a pretty face.” I grinned at him. Then I turned to all the kids and asked them in trig to repeat the words after me in English. Guard and Security Room.

•— Raven —•

Both #Harper and I found ourselves witnessing a gentle side to the boys. We hadn’t had the opportunity or the chance to need it before. However, when push came to shove here, they were.

#Jasper moved into the fray of things, showing the kids how to juggle pens! “Jas, you will have one of their eyes out with those things flying in the air!”

‘Nope, it’s all in the skill of my fingers.’ He wiggled them in the face of a child making then laugh. Causing me to roll my eyes and laugh all at once. “If you harm one of them, you’ll have to answer to Luna.” This made him stop.

‘Party pooper, Rey.’

‘Okay, okay.’ Clapping her hands to gain the attention of everyone. #Harper pointed to the corridor on the right. ‘We should keep moving, less questions that way.’ “Good point, well made.”

Thanking #Nate and #Jasper, because of them all the children seemed more relaxed.

•— John —•

I was preoccupied with the kids and #Jasper’s show. But I still noticed the attention the girls paid to us and not just the kids. She gave me that nickname for a reason after all. But Rey was smiling, I never knew she liked kids so much… then again, maybe she didn’t either.

Children were rare on the Ark, most of us were only around kids when we actually were kids.

The kids seemed to understand the request to move on easily. “They really are picking up on English fast.” I said the Harper and Raven as they led the way. I chuckled thinking of the Skaikru members that refused to make any effort to learn Trigedasleng. A superiority complex was the real enemy of survival.

“Where next captain?” I asked Raven at the head of the line of chattering children. It was strange that she was so relaxed working with a large of children around a century-old spaceship.

•— Raven —•

“Captain? Are you trying to promote me without a hint of negotiation, John Murphy?” Pointing ahead. “Let’s go this way.”

This wasn’t on my list of things to do today, but it wasn’t selfless. These children needed out, to feel some freedom, they weren’t made to be locked away unlike us. We knew what it meant to be confined. We did it without a question (well mostly. Maybe. Okay fine. We were bad at it too. However, not the point I was making to myself!)

Great! Now I was fighting with myself internally!

‘Are you okay Ray?’ #Harper called from the back. When I turned to see all those eyes on me.

“All good here. I’m still thinking we head to the main deck; the bridge is where we flight this ship from, the windows—” cutting off mid thought.

“Shit!” Shaking my head. “Don’t translate that, John!” Keeping my  voice even. “I didn’t think this through.” Shit… shit… shit….

 “Air locks… let’s go to the lower decks, show the children the works of this place, I’ve been working on the transport ship.” How could I be so single minded! Foolish!

•— John —•

I laughed. “The last thing you need is an ego boost like that. And I think our fine Lieutenant…” The word was filled with sarcasm. “Would be very put out by that.”

I stopped when Rey mentioned the main deck… Wouldn’t we need permission for that? I knew Raven could come and  go as she pleased, but surely it was off-limits. It was probably a great thing to show the kids though, but maybe we could see if it was something we could do another day.

Raven was kind of freaking out… my brow pinched as I watched her. But I didn’t want to ask her what was wrong in front of #Harper and the kids. “Okay… I won’t…” I assured her.

“Airlocks it is…” I kept my eyes on her. There was always a constant sense of unease when I didn’t know if she was okay or not. I told the kids to follow her and looked for an opportunity to ask her what was going on inside that head of hers.

•— Raven —•

Now my mind flew through this plan we came up with. I came up with. Was it really a good idea? Should we be walking these around a ship that wasn’t even ours?

Then again, seeing the change in the children after seeing Nate and Jasper it was worth it. So, this was right. I needed to stop second guessing myself.

“Okay… I know it’s not much to look at but trust me when I say that this ship is full of exciting surprises that are beautiful. Pressing a code into the security doors for them to open. “These doors are in place to keep each part of the ship safe in case of an emergency.” Tapping the heavy doors as I walked by.

‘Rey, we need to work on your idea of what is an exciting surprise for a child.’ #Harper called out from the back.

“What do you mean? This is good stuff I’m showing.” Okay, maybe I needed to work on how to make others as excited about these things?

Feeling a tug on my hand my hazel eyes dropped to the small boy. Leaning down when he motioned, he whispered in my ear in trig. I’d picked up enough to know he needed a bathroom.

“We are going to make a small detour.” There was a small officer den ahead of us.

Once at the door, I pushed in the Mater code waiting as the doors slid apart. “Bathroom break, if anyone wants to go, come on in.” Walking the boy in, he stopped outside the door of the bathroom hopping from foot to foot, however he wouldn’t go in.

“It’s okay. It is safe in there.” I told him. Opening the door to show him.

•— John —•

The kids were distracted, looking around at the ship. I heard one of them ask why there weren’t any trees or grass. I was about to translate the question for Raven when #Harper spoke. “I mean… Sure they need to have fun.” I interjected. “But the kids  need to learn that they should steer clear of the airlocks too.”

#Harper seemed to pause for a moment. “It was different for us… we grew up around this stuff. These kids have no clue that stepping out into space can --- “ I made the universal Kill you motion.

‘You have a point.’ She admitted.

“Let’s let Raven do the nerd stuff and you and I figure out how to make it fun.” I said to her, and she nodded.

We detoured to the bathroom, and I was not about to take a bunch of little kids to do their business. “I’ll wait out here with the others.” I offered quickly before they could ask me to take the kids in there.

•— Raven —•

‘Oh, so you’ll help just not with the hard stuff, huh?’ I could hear #Harper teasing John before she came inside to join me as the children with me too turned to visit the restroom.

‘It’s so nice to see them happily using the bathrooms now. It’s took Luna a lot of exampling  for them to stop thinking they would be endangered if they say on them.’

She elbowed my side to gain my attention. ‘Hey, are you okay?’ Lifting her chin to the door. ‘Out there before, you seem to have been…’ she didn’t need to say it, I knew what she meant.

“Yeah, not my finest hour.” Shaking my head stepping back to lean on the walk to take some of the pressure off myself. “I was thinking of taking them to see the views and experience the flight deck.”

‘Yeah, I know. I wasn’t there when we made the plan.’ She looked confused.

“Harper… the flight deck... it had a front row seat of their home… earth… which is being consumed and ravished by Praimfaya right now. I don’t want them seeing that… witnessing the end of the only home they know. That’s…” I shook my head.

‘Oh… shit…’ she whispered. And I nodded my head.

“I’m an idiot… what the hells was I thinking!”

•— John —•

I winked at #Harper. “You may be a sharp shooter #Harper but you aren’t quick enough on the draw!” I teased.

The girls disappeared into the bathroom with a few of the kids and in the meantime… I was left alone in the hallway with most of them. The kids asked me questions about Raven. I explained her job to them in Trig as best as I could until one of the children asked me where Skaikru’s children were.

I squatted down to their level and explained to them our clan only had one small child… the rest were older. They had a whole lot of  questions about it. But I didn’t think that explaining to them that, most of them died in the sections on the ark that burned up when it crashed to earth or in the sections that didn’t land right. So I told them that living in space means you have limited space and food; so people were only allowed to have one child.

Then I asked them who had brothers or sisters. Some of them raised their hands and I knew by the looks on their faces that their sibling probably hadn’t been in Polis when they evacuated. It was unlikely that many of the siblings made it on board unless they were soldiers. Or one of the babies.

Then I explained to them that no one in Skaikru had brothers or sisters… other than the new Heda Okteivia… while I knocked on the door for the girls to hurry up.

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I stood in silence as we listened to John, a lot of what he said had been missed. However, the parts I could understand made it clear what the children were asking.

I told #Harper in a low voice what the topic of discussion was with a solemn look on my features, which she mirrored.

‘They haven’t asked me about this, unless Luna explained it, maybe?’

I shrugged my shoulders, “John speaks their language, they are relaxed now and maybe feel a connection?”

She scoffed. ‘We all know, John is a big kid.’ And I knew she said it to  Lighten the heaviness in the room, however I shook my head.

“You know, Harper… in Becca’s time… you and I would have been classed as young ones too.”

With the last of the children washing their hands as #Harper has taught them; we heard the knock on the door from John. Opening it I smile. “You know better than to rush someone who needs to go, Watcher.”

Letting everyone out, and back into their line we began to walk towards the elevators. “Could you let them all know we are going to in this, and that it’s safe. I’ve tested them all now, so if they want to use them. They can around the ship?” I asked John.

•— John —•

I couldn’t hear much with the kids still asking questions and speaking to each other. I grinned up at her when she opened the door. “The questions were about to get really awkward out here.” I chuckled. “I needed the backup.”

I followed her to the elevator, and I started to  explain it to them in Trig. “Disha hir Tagon Vieda.” (this is called an Elevator) Then I repeated the word in English, asking them all to say it. In trig again I told them, “This takes you up or down to all the different levels of the ship. One of the kids shouted out about  the lift in the Commander's tower that was raised and lowered by a pulley system and two men.

“He wants to know if it's like the one in the Tower in Polis… it's kind of famous.” I told the two women with me... Mostly #Harper. Raven’s trig was getting better by the day. I  told kids it was like that one, but this one was powered by machines, and it was very safe. I explained the button. “Gyon op.” For the up arrow and “Gyon daun.” For the down arrow. Then I exhaled.

“We might need to teach them how to recognise numbers, so they know if they need  go up or down.” I said but I was mostly talking to myself.

‘Can you teach me to count in Trig? And then I can teach them?’ #Harper asked me like it was a perfectly normal thing to ask. I looked at her a little shocked that she would ever think I could teach anyone anything. She cleared her throat a little awkwardly. ‘I mean… you and #Luna could teach them… but you both have other duties, so I just thought…’ She brushed her hair behind her ear, only there was nothing to brush back because her hair was braided tightly around her head. ‘Never  mind… Silly idea.’

Then I realised my expression was probably hard to read. “No… It’s not. In fact, it’s a good idea. I can definitely teach you and I’m sure Luna will help too when she can. It makes sense… you’re with these kids more than anyone. We should teach you the language.” I said, shifting my expression to a genuine one. #Clarke and #Kane had the best command of the language out of all of Skiakru but they were too busy to teach anyone anything. So, I didn’t see why #Luna and I couldn’t help. I was sure Emori would help too; she taught me most of what I knew.

•— Raven —•

New words for my trig vocabulary, my ears perked up while I pushed the code to keep the doors open for the elevator. The younger children at first felt a little dubious about the square box, while the older ones were excited, stepping on and off.

I could make out enough to know they spoke about the lift in the tower. I hadn’t seen it, because #Clark hadn’t let me on the missions taking place in those walls, I knew I’d slow them all down, so I didn’t push to go. I had other messes to clean up anyway.

When John confirmed my trail of thoughts I half smiled. “Okay. Come on young ones, it’s time to take a ride.”

It’s when I saw the exchange taking place between the other two ‘adults’ at the back. But I didn’t prying into their business. A few of the children joined me inside, some small one clanging onto #Harpers hands, and leg.

“Well, it’s going to be interesting to see how you move.” I told her.

‘John! It’s clear Rey isn’t going to help; please could you carry this little one and I’ll take the other.’ She handed the kid in her arms over to him. ‘Just go slow for them. This is all new for them all.’

“Why would I help?” Lifting my chin to all the children in the elevator with me. “Come on, we can’t go without you.”

•— John —•

A couple of the kids were still dubious of the lift; a few were clinging to #Harper for protection. I chuckled, Harper managed to waddle, shuffle, and drag her way into the lift with all bars two of the kids. I crouched to their level and asked them in trig if it was okay if I carried them into the Elevator. The boy pushed out his bottom lip and said he was afraid to go into the wall. The boy was clever… it looked like a wall before the doors opened. Especially if you had never seen one before.

“En’s nou wo… en’s…” I couldn’t call it a room  really. “Vieda…” (It's not a wall, it’s… an elevator.) I explained.

I looked at Raven. “Close the door for a second, don’t go anywhere… just show them it opens again.” I had the kids watch as the door opened again. Their expressions relaxed a little more when the children  reappeared. “Kom op?” (Coming up?)  I asked the kids again and they let me pick them up and carry them into the lift. One on each hip… The taller child made my gait a little lopsided. #Harper was grinning at me.

“What?” I asked with pinched brows.

‘You’re kind of a sweetheart, John Murphy.’ She smirked.

“What? Ho—Wh—Where did you get that idea?” My face heated. Sweetheart? Ew… Me? Never!

‘You could have just picked them up whether they liked it or not, but you asked. That was sweet!” She smirked.

•— Raven —•

#Harper saw in John what #Luna and I knew for a while now. His attitude towards those who need his help had always been well hidden in plain sight.

He has been the same with me, to the point that I had punched him in his face, and in response he’d asked if I’d felt better. “He wouldn’t do that.” I answered for John. “He believes in giving the choice, and then follow even if he disagrees with the outcome.” Somewhat true, even if there were times when he hadn’t given me the option. But then again, my mind had been melting before his eyes.

So, he could be forgiven.

My attention moved towards #Dela as the elevator began, its descent. She whispered to those who were beside her to trust the three of us in trig. She then curled her small hand into mine smiling up at me. This did something to me. My heart fluttered with a warming feeling; one I hadn’t felt for a long while.

The bell like sound indicated we had arrived on the correct floor, frightening some of the passengers in the small box. “It’s okay… it’s an important sound. This sound tells us we have arrived on our chosen floor.” Pointing to the light above the door as they slide open right then.

•— John —•

I smiled at Raven... She was wrong. She was right too… In this case, getting these kids into an elevator wasn’t life and death. I looked at Raven in the distorted reflection of the lift doors. I had done it to her though… violated her trust and her personal space, drugged  her… restrained her… all because I was trying to keep her alive, but I did it nonetheless. And somewhere deep inside I knew I would do it again, if I had to, if it would save her.

I wasn’t sure what that said about me.

The kid on my left… the smaller boy; flinched at  the ping the lift made when the lift stopped and clung to me while I was distracted by watching Dela and Rey… the pair had clearly developed a bond, and I wondered if the child understood it was Raven’s actions that had made sure she’d gotten on this ship before the Death Wave took Polis. She had been so sick… and I had been trapped in the quarantined area because I was too sick from exposure too.

Tiny arms locked around my neck, and I got a face full of dark curls. “It’s okay kid…” On instinct, I spoke English. But this child was probably  no more than three or four years old and normally only warriors learned English. He’d probably only heard the language here on the ship. I remembered how afraid I had been in the prison camp the first time I heard Trig… having no idea what they were saying unless they were interrogating me. So I comforted him in Trig but I had no free hands to offer any other kind of comfort.

The other child reached across and patted his back, telling him to be brave. The other boy's skin was deep, rich brown compared to the younger boy’s light freckled complexion… they likely weren’t even from the same village and here they were.. offering each other comfort.

When we stepped out of the lift, I stooped to let the boys down. The younger one tightened his grip around my neck. “Okay… Looks like you’re staying put.” The older  boy climbed down but stayed close.

‘Wow…’ Monty laughed, appearing from wherever he had been working. ‘That’s a new look on you John Murphy.’

“Hey… I have many talents…” I glanced at the kids. “Apparently.” Then I immediately turned to search for Rey and Dela.

•— Raven —•

‘There’s nothing wrong with having hidden talents when it comes to these little monsters.’ He growled laughing.

Because as soon as the doors opened, and the children saw #Monty they rushed out towards him. He had come down to his knees catching them, wrestling with a few of  the boys while the girls stayed waiting for John to disembark with the youngest one and then #Harper too.

‘Hi… They’ve missed your visited to the classroom.’ #Harper told him.

‘Hey.’ He smiled up at her. ‘Things have been crazy with the farm. I was on my way up now, but looks like you all have other plans?’

#Harper filled #Monty into why we were all coming down here, and the plan to show the children around the ship to help them adjust.

‘That’s a great idea, can I tag along? Another helping hand?’ He asked us all.

I smiled nodding my head down the corridor still stood in the elevator due to the commotion in the corridor before it. “Hells, yeah. More the merrier. And you can help with the nerdy stuff. I’m not exactly making this a fun trip.”  Laughing my eyes met Johns, frowning a little my brows lifted in a silent question. Asking if he was, okay?

•— John —•

I moved closer to Raven as the kids swarmed to #Monty and #Harper filled him in on the day's plans with the little ones. She’d seen that moment of darkness in the lift. Of course, she had. This was Raven… somewhere along the line, she’d learned to tune into my carefully guarded tells. I swayed to one side, brushing my shoulder against hers, giving her a small smile that said; I’m Fine, or… maybe, Later … Both? I couldn’t be sure myself. But if she wanted to know where I’d gone for that moment, I would tell her… later. Just her. The brush of my arm against hers was easier… not plagued with that feeling of invading her space, no dark whispers telling me I had no right to be that close to her. It was simple, natural… like it had been at home… in the mansion. After our breakthrough when I was a  friend not her unwanted nurse and before… before I destroyed us. But this was Raven Reyes; she’d never met a broken thing she couldn’t fix… and she had taken my hand. Taken it and held it while we slept.

So later… I could tell her. I was guilty of the things she said I  wouldn’t do… I was sorry I had done them to her, But I would do it again in a heartbeat… to save her.

“Where to next captain?” I stifled a grunt as the kid on my hips started swinging his legs to get let down to join his excited friends and narrowly missed kicking me in a  place I wanted very much not kicked! I set him down and he ran into the melee of tiny people.

•— Raven —•

My elbow nudged John right back, softly in reply, saying without speaking. ‘Okay… Later it is.’ Because I was done… I wasn’t going to let him walk alone. We were all going to be there to support one another from now on.

I heard the question and pointed up the  corridor with a smile. “To the room of Magic of course, the only place where anything can be fixed.”

Both #Harper and #Monty nodded their agreement, and #Dela tugged on my hand telling me to hurry. She wanted to be in the middle of all the mayhem.

Leaning down I smiled. “Go on ahead. I’ll be right behind you.” When I stood upright again, I saw her looking longingly towards the other children and then me. “Go on. Lead the way.”

When I glanced to my side, the shock of witnessing John’s near fatal accident made me wince. “Ouch… his foot was  way too close… Rather you than me.”

Tugging on my ponytail, setting off behind the others.

•— John —•

I smiled at her; she got it… she knew there were only a small circle of people I shared things with. I wasn’t one to spill my thoughts in front of anyone. But I could tell her. I watched the way she looked at #Dela… encouraging her to go and mingle with the other kids. I  wondered if it was hard for her. She had been in the med bay the longest of all the children. So, I wondered if had been hard for her to join this group after they’d begun making friends. It was something I had noticed in my short stay at the care centre… kids that age met someone and that same day they were best friends.

I chuckled at her… “Please you have laughed your arse off. The kid will understand that pain in about eight years.” I watched the kids again. “Do you think #Dela is adjusting to all of this?” I asked her as we walked towards  the place where the magic supposedly happened. “She looks… healthy… maybe a little skinny but that can be fixed over time…” And who knew how skinny she was before she came on board? “But she looks… happy? As happy as you could expect at least, right?”

•— Raven —•

“Hells yeah, I’m not even going to attempt to lie. I would have been rolling on the ground with tears coming out of my eyes…. Only after I asked if you were okay, of course.” Nudging him with my elbow with a cheeky smirk.

My gaze followed his to that beautiful little girl, who has been to hell and back. I saw past her healing scars. Some which she would have for the rest of her life, and some which would wither away with time.

Bearing witness to Singh before us with #Dela hovering around the children playing and teasing #Monty, he noticed her and brought her into the medley of madness.

“She is strong, with a willing to keep fighting. It’s a testament to her standing here today. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But look at her… She will be fine.”

She was small for her age, or at least that was what #Abby  had said. Then again, we could see all the kids were the same. Some more so than others.

“Harper was saying… she wants to stuff them full before we place them into Cryo. And I get it. It will help them. You know… I wish we could keep them up a little longer…”

•— John —•

I shook my head at her. “Harsh, Reyes. Harsh.” But I knew she would… and she might not even laugh. At least, not until a few hours later. Seeing people in pain wasn’t something she coped with easily. I watched the kids again; the youngest boy who had almost kicked me was  weaving in and out of the crowd of them. I noticed #Harper watching him and #Dela even more closely.

I nodded, I understood where that was coming from. “I get it… I mean….” I dragged my hand through my hair. “When was the last time you saw this many children all together? At least of this age range… there weren’t even that many in the care centre.” I stopped abruptly… it probably wasn't the best time to talk about that… and it wasn’t like I was there for long. “But I do think it’s a good idea to save the rations we have for when we get back  to earth… even if we find good land to start out on… it will take time to get farms producing… If they go to sleep, they don’t need to learn about rationing… or hunger and thirst. It sounds like a good deal… if it wasn’t for the…” I stopped again. I didn’t dare speak negatively of the cryo chambers in case the kids heard.

I knew my anxiety behind them was illogical, but all the same, it was there, and it was real. Raven knew my fears and the other reasons I didn’t want to go to sleep. “Plus, the sooner people go to sleep the less chances  there are of tensions between the clans.”

•— Raven —•

Twice…. As we walked twice, he stopped from saying what he was thinking. Making me question the reason. Looking around, looking between the two of us, and the company we were in. I got it.

This hadn’t been the same as on the island. He wasn’t stopping because he didn’t want to share, it wasn’t the right time. Just like before I told myself he would tell me later. And I believed it too.

‘Rey!’ #Monty’s voice cut in before I could answer or question John anymore. ‘The door is locked. You need to punch the code in.’ Nodding my head, I allowed one last glance at John telling him we’d talk more later before slowly catching up to the others.

“Okay, are we really?” And children with excited and eager. I didn’t know how #Monty and #Harper had done this. I pushed into the code to my  workshop which was the same as my room code. And with a general hiss the doors slide open.

“Welcome to the overachievers workshop.”

#Harper laughed and picked me. ‘Rey, there nothing in here that could injure or kill a kid, right?’

At the question being asked, my mind began to wander around what I had open. “Oh hells. Uhm… give me one….” I was already, hopping, running and skipping to the far side of the room where the industrial cutters were laying out.

•— John —•

I knew how much she hated it when I held stuff back… especially now that we were back on track again. But I wasn't really holding back, there were kids everywhere and #Harper. #Monty now too… I would tell her… but when it was just her and I. I just hoped that she saw that promise in the smile I gave her, I didn’t want her to think there was still a wall between us. I translated for the kids, but they seemed to read Rey’s excitement about where we were heading.

I couldn’t but get excited at how excited she was. Maybe it was a little bit of the  kid's excitement too… maybe. When Harper asked the potential for injury in the room, I turned the kids and told them to wait in Trig then I distracted them when Raven hopped off to retrieve a wicked-looking tool that she’d left out… Shit… she must have been in a lot of pain if she didn’t put that back in its place when she last used it. I told the kids that this was the room where Raven and the other mechanics and engineers fixed things and made sure everything, we needed to make the ship run was working. They didn’t ask many questions… they’re  understanding of Tek was slim to none.

•— Raven —•

I never left things out of place; it was well known by everyone that;

1. They could borrow anything they needed, as long as they returned it.

2. I had a place for every tool. (Reason being if anyone did ask to use something. I could tell them where it was kept without needing to go to it.)

3. I always left my work space ready to go for the next time.

All of which had gone out the ship’s windows with the next to no sleep and working on empty. But now I’d had a good couple of night of sleep, which meant I had begun to feel like myself again.

Hens why this trip to show the children around felt right to do today.

“Okay…” closing the metal cages on the far end of the space I dusted my hands off. “All is safe and sound now. I’m happy for the children to walk around and look over anything.” Pointing to the windows out the back or the work space. “These windows are safe for them to see the stars; we are facing away from earth here.”

Leaning back against the metal cage. Taking some of the weight off my hip and leg, I crossed my arms smiling at them all.

•— John —•

I watched her hobble around the room, something in me ached just knowing she was in pain. The kids started to walk around looking at things but not touching unless they were told it was okay. Which is what I had translated for them. #Monty showed some of the more curious kids the tools and #Harper watched the others who were fascinated with the windows. I pushed over two work stools next to where Raven stood, off to the side.

I knew she wouldn’t like it if I drew attention to her pain, so I sat on one and held the spinning top of the stool steady  for her to sit without worrying about it slipping beneath her. I said nothing about her hurting. I would add that in later with the other things I hadn’t said today. I glanced around making sure the others were distracted.

“Hey.” I said softly. “Why did you axe the trip to  the bridge? It sounded like a great idea… the windows there are even….” I stopped.

She said that the windows here were safe. Shit! “Oh!” My eyes widened. “Damn….” Of course, she thought about that… about the trauma of seeing a whole planet ablaze. “Maybe we call ahead  another day… have them close the curtain.” I offered her a smile.

She’d made the right call; they didn’t need to see any of this. It was another reason they should go into cryo. They didn’t need to grow up here. The earth would heal, it would heal, and we could take them home and let them grow up in the real world not a tin can with water recycling and artificial atmosphere. With real sunlight and not UV therapy. With grass and weather and places to run.

•— Raven —•

I could feel my friend’s eyes on me. Of course, some part of me knew what John Murphy thought, saw, or even felt, when he witnesses to me moving. The boy knew me too well since our time on the island had been spent with #Abby making him my watchman and nurse. This is why I didn’t question or fight the fact he wanted me to sit down beside him.

Relief coursed through my muscles the moment the weight eased from my hip and leg. It had been making my back all tense and sore too.

My hazel eyes dulled with the lack of sleep, glanced all over the room, while John answered his own question.

“They deserve better than the nightmares we all grew up with. They all have family and friends who were left down there. I don’t want them witnessing the place which had been  their home, now becoming a death pyre for those who were left behind.”

Shaking my head, at my stupidity. “I hadn’t I thought the plan through. I should have foreseen it before mentioning it to them.” Rubbing my fingers over the bridge of my nose. “These children deserve a chance to make it out of this thing, without even more scarring.”

•— John —•

I smiled at her, but I knew that she would see the concern in my eyes… she never missed a thing. Even the relief on her face when she sat down wasn’t a comfort to me, all it meant was she’d been hurting… more than I could help with by offering her a seat.

I nodded. “You’re right. They don’t need that at all… But you could talk to Officer Shaw…” I neglected the rank I knew all too well he had. “Plan a day for them to visit and have them close the doors on the window? I still think they would have a good time seeing how things run.”

She was punishing herself again, it was a habit ingrained so deep in her that I didn’t think she would ever cut herself some slack. “All that matters is that you remembered before I had a chance to translate it.”

I watched the kids around the room… Monty was making whirring sounds and playing with a tool that clearly had its powerpack removed (for the safety of the kids, I figured) and handed it the some of the older kids and repeated a word I was pretty meant 𝕕𝕣𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕘. I laughed at the kid's confused faces as one of them started tapping a spanner she had been examining the leg of the table… like… well like it was a drum.

“I’m guessing that tool #Monty is showing them has nothing to with drumming… Right?”

•— Raven —•

I saw the way John’s gaze turned upon me. “Oh, stop it.” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.” I also wondered if he had it his way, would the ripper stick me to slow me down? Because he’s done it before, and for some crazy reason now it made me chuckle, even if I wanted to kill him at the time.

But now I was the one watching him. I knew full well what he was doing, however I still couldn’t understand why? What had passed between him and #Miles for this… rivalry?

“𝗟𝗶𝗲𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁…” emphasising, his correct rank.   while knowing full well, John knew this too. “Miles Shaw would be happy to help. I just…. I should have put this plan past him too.” Moving my attention around the room and smiling when I saw #Harper.

“A little foresight and warning, and you’re right. The children would love seeing things from up there. Especially since they are so… engaged down here.” Nodding my head to #Harper and three of the young ones. Sat in the floor in a circle. In the middle lay a greasy engine part.

“They look more impressive by the greasy.” The. I turned my gaze back to John. “Drumming? What the h—” I heard it then, the sound of my tools hitting the leg of the tables, and work benches.  “Monty! What are you teaching them?”

•— John —•

“Stop what?” I asked nonchalantly. “If you want me to stop checking you out you have to stop checking me out first.” I teased her quietly. I just rolled my eyes at her correction. “Yeah, yeah.” I sighed. Then I laughed.

“Yeah, I noticed that… Grounder kids. They love… dirt!” I chuckled. “I remembered them jumping in puddles and digging in mud for no reason, in some of the villages I passed through. And the adults just acted like it was totally normal.”

More kids chimed in with the drumming and #Monty looked up at Raven with a little fear in his  eyes. ‘No idea.’ He admitted. ‘We might need a translator over here.’ He turned his eyes on me, pleading. I laughed and patted Rey’s braced knee once, gently.

“Okay, okay I’m coming.” I laughed, but I was smiling at Raven until I stepped off the stool and made my way to the  looked more confused than ever. “You’re going to have to show them how it works,” I told him, after I got them to stop drumming with #Harper’s help.

•— Raven —•

A scoff and the mother of all eye rolls were his gift. “You wish Watcher.” Waggling my eyebrows and giving a smirk.

Not really say anything else, just making a note to ask him about his travels. How had we not had this conversation? I wanted to see more of the planet we had begun to call home. However, we didn’t have time. Consequently, fighting to live, to survive, and to thrive had consequences. It was all consuming.

Sitting on the stole, speaking to the children who ran past me asking them to be care with a kind smile. My eyes focused on my three friends, watching how taking care of these small souls came so easily to them. Once again, I thought of how much had happened in so little time, how we had failed these young ones. How they wouldn’t play in puddles or in the dirt for years to come.

And my eyes stung.

Turning my face away, to blink those uncontrollably heavy feeling back until I could let them flow when alone. Now wasn’t the time. When my hazel glazed returned to the group, they were all sat on the ground with Monty showing them what to do (other than play the drums!)

•— John —•

I glanced over my shoulder after translating for #Monty. I could see she was lost in thought, but it almost looked like she was about to cry… it made my chest ache. Not in the way it did in the Brig… this was different…

#Monty passed out goggles to the kids closest to him and told us to keep the others back a little, while he drilled a hole into scrap metal to show them how it worked. They were fascinated by the sparks and how the tool whirred. But when I glanced behind me again to check on Rey, I caught sight of the littlest boy (the one that almost kicked me in the family jewels)… hands clamped over his ears but still looking like he wanted to be part of the action. I spotted a pair of ear protectors on a workbench… quickly looked up at Raven again, like she might have vanished in the last ten seconds. I smiled at her before I picked up the yellow headset, mimicked putting it on to show the boy how it worked, and then popped them on his ears. They looked ridiculously large on his tiny head. I chuckled and he whipped his head around at the change in what he could… or rather couldn’t hear.

Then he held his hands up to me, fingers opening and closing…. My brows lowered. I looked around for a little clarification. #Harper caught my gaze and imitated picking him up. I gave her a look over the noise in the room that asked 𝗠𝗲?

#Harper’s brows arched, and she planted one hand on her hip and returned a glare that had me instantly picking up the child and turning back to give Raven an eye roll… This woman was a whole lot tougher than I gave her credit for.

She was watching everything from her place on the stool… After #Monty was finished with the kids, and I was done playing translator I put the boy down. Or... I tried to… he made a keening sound and tucked up his legs, refusing to put them on the ground. “Okay, okay…. Message received.” I chuckled… doubting he understood. He made the same sound  when I tried to take the ear protectors off. When I looked at him it looked like he might fall asleep any minute.

So… keeping hold of him I made my way back to Raven. “Hey… Do you know if they are meant to sleep during the day at this age…” I hefted the boy higher on my  hip. “This one looks about ready for bed.” I want to ask her where her mind had gone just now… touch her… not in a creepy way just to offer comfort. But we add all of that to the growing list for later.

•— Raven —•

With my head back in the here and now, the rollercoaster of emotions had been hard to keep at bay this afternoon. I knew not sleeping well did this with me, it played with my head and heart. However, I’d had a good sleep finally last night, so I had no excuses. Witnessing the events before me I could help but let go of the sadness and embrace the view of #Harper and John.

#Monty had been lost in his little show and tell, but the other two were enough of a sideshow that I found myself chuckling to myself.

Wishing someone sat with me to see it all play out too. And maybe place a bet on if the little kid got the target of Johns Crown Jewels this time or not. But to my surprise, John made a friend?

The kid asked to be lifted, to be held and not to be set back down. What was this world coming to? “Why or how would I know? He looks pretty tired. Maybe we should have kept it to a short trip?”

#Haprer moved closer to us, and I asked her the same question.

‘Yes, the little ones do have a nap in the classroom. We have a few small  mattresses Luna found, and some  blankets, Miles brought us for them.’

She glanced at the youngest of the group. ‘Maybe we should head back. They will need some lunch soon too.’

Nodding my head, I held my hand up for #Monty to notice, making a sign to round it up. “Okay. I guess John is the little people whisperer now. He picked up on their needs.” Giving him a smile of gratitude.

•— John —•

Raven saw everything, I named her Stargazer because she was a dreamer and because the first time, we made a truly deep connection I caught her literally looking up at the stars. Then she told me the stories of the constellations. She was watching everything, and I hated that sometimes her pain kept her on the edge of things. I tried not to let it happen, but this was another moment that I had dropped the ball.

I nodded when she mentioned short trips. “Yeah… I guess with the kids being such a range of ages we need to think more about the little ones. I mean like Harper’s idea of teaching them numbers to use the lift.” I tipped my chin to the kid almost nodding off on my shoulder. “It's not like this kid will be riding elevators on his own anytime soon, you know? it might be a better use of time to focus on teaching  it to the kids who need it.”

I held back the eye roll at the mention of him… but it was cool that he thought of the kids. I laughed but tried to soften it a little in case I provoked the wrath of the crotch-kicker on my hip. Like it was on cue the kid yawned a huge, face-stretching yawn. “Mean it’s not rocket science when you read the signs.” I bragged. “Should we round them all up or just take the little ones back?”

•— Raven —•

‘Ah… You’re under selling your skills again John Murphy.’ #Harper teased him at not being a rock scientist.

Then he asked another good question. “Uhm… Harper?” Taking my lead from her as she knew these kids better than we did.

‘Oh… I’m not sure it’s a good idea to split  the kids up. The little ones have grown accustomed to being around the older ones. And the older kids don’t really let the young ones out of their sight.’

The thought warmed me and saddened me at the same time. “Talk about having to grow up too fast... they are protector  when they should be children themselves.” But I got it. Wasn’t it the same for us too?

‘So, what’s the plan guys?’ #Monty walked over to ask.

My hazel eyes moved over the room, and all the faces. “I guess we are all heading back for a nap? Unless Harper do you want me to go grab the lunches? I’m happy to do it so you have some down time too?”

It felt right to offer, I’d been sat here on a stool while they did all the hard work.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind, or have any else to do?’ She asked. I had a tone of things to do. “I’m hiding out, seeing how long it takes the others to come find me. So, all of your head back. I’ll go pick up the food.”

•— John —•

I laughed at #Harper. “Yeah well, kids are crappy judges of character.” I was sure if these little people had any clue of the things I had done, they would be terrified of me. I thought about what Harper said and looked around… these kids were all from different clans… I  would have to remember to look at the list of minors and see who was from which clan. “Even the kids from different clans?” I asked.

‘Kids don’t see clan allegiance; they just see new friends. Especially after… everything.’ She cleared her throat and brushed the hair away from the little boy's eyes.

I had to say I agreed with Raven… “It wasn’t any different on the Ark. How old were all of you when you were selected for your apprenticeships?” I looked from #Monty to #Harper to #Raven… “Fourteen? Younger? You made it to Zero-G at eighteen.” I said to Raven. I, on the other hand… they planned to assign to maintenance or janitorial or something else suitably useless. “Maybe in a few decades, kids can be kids again.”

I grinned at Raven. “Wait….” I gave her a shocked look. “You tricked me into turning your day off  into a field trip! I feel so used Raven Reyes!” I had to tone down my usual theatrics due to the sleeping crotch kicker… but my smirk said it all. Then on a serious note. “Maybe someone should go with you?” I glanced around. I would have volunteered… but for some reason, I thought that would be…. I had no idea… we had been together all day. I was hard to be around on a good day.

“One person can carry the rations… but the water too? And today is nutrition packs for the minors too.” I had made the schedule based on the nutritional needs Abby  laid out for the kids and adults… those with injuries. It gave me a headache just thinking about it.

‘I can go with her… can you get them back with just too?’ #Monty asked.

I looked at the kids and asked in Trig. “Who’s ready for another ride in the elevator?” None of  them seemed to show signs of fear this time.

•— Raven —•

It was such a tender touch, the way #Harper moved the hair out of the boys eyes. Once again, I had to remind myself how things could have been different for us all of our life’s had taken an unexpected turn.

Of If I hadn’t messed up, if we had stopped the nuclear meltdown, if the stars were set on destroying everything we were trying to save?

I had to tell myself to stop… I knew where these dark thoughts took me… and it wasn’t anywhere good. Positive energy, one foot in front of the other… and small wins!

“Who? Me?” Giving John a shocked face with a hand over my heart. “I don’t know what you mean. I would never.” Winking at the children even if they understand the conspiracy I was bringing them into.

I was going to describe in detail the plan I had about accosting a trolly to bring everything back. But #Monty was always good company.

“Thanks Green, I’m going to accept your offer to help. So, shall we?” Realising, actually I hadn’t gotten up from the stool.

Not sure what #Harper saw in my face, but she began gathering the kids who John had excited with another ride in the elevator. Taking the attention off me, so that I could slowly stand myself up.

Hiding the shooting pain, making me freeze for a breath or two. And then I was on the move.

•— John —•

That little spark of mischief played in those hazel eyes, the ring of gold flashing for a moment when she gave me her cheek. I saw it dim and sputter out when she stood up. Then I was suddenly hit with all the flaws in this plan. Would #Monty recognises her pain? Would he slow down and take it at a speed not so slow that she’d know what was happening, but slow enough that she had time to breathe through the hurt? Would he ask her about it? No one who was in pain wanted to be constantly reminded of every detail of those pains and draw attention to it, bringing it into sharp relief in the forefront of their mind. Would he know to just stop for a moment if she needed to and let her catch her breath before offering to help her when she was more than capable of helping herself?

‘You coming, Murphy?’ It was #Harper, I realised she was at the door with the kids, two little ones still milling around my feet.

“Right behind you,” I told her. “Just making sure we don’t have any stragglers.” She nodded and started to lead the kids. I focused my attention… or my eyes at least on the kids, this  wasn’t a place to leave a child behind, there were airlocks and tools everywhere.

#Harper began counting heads as they filed into the lift giddy and excited, and a few sleepy yet fascinated faces. Plus, the little one that was out cold on my shoulder. #Raven was gone from my  eyeline now. I stepped inside and exhaled. She was fine. She was a grown woman, and she did not need my meddling at all.

I knew this… But it still didn’t help.

‘She’s okay, isn’t she?’ #Harper asked as the doors slid closed.

“Raven?” I asked… Blinking. “Of course.”

#Harper’s reply was a look; pinched brows and a stern expression. It suited her… this mother hen look. “She is… she’s just… working too much… but I’m working on that…” I was trying to. But between my shifts in the mess and the therapy sessions with Jackson, I hardly knew where to find her half of the time.

‘And you? Are you okay?’ She asked next. Now I was really confused.

“Yeah… sure…” Then I remembered, she was there… in the brig. “I’m fine… better. I have Raven, #Luna and #Emori. I’ll be fine.”

‘You have the 100, John… any of us that are left.’ Harper said and the doors pinged. We ushered the kids out and I rolled my eyes. #Harper looked hurt at that.

“Sorry, that wasn’t aimed at you. But we both know that’s not totally true.” I explained.

‘What’s not true?’ I audibly groaned as #OfficerShaw stepped into the corridor. #Harper beamed though and so did a few of the kids. I fought back yet another eye roll.

•— Raven —•

Walking down the corridor I knew what I needed to do. It’s all about mind over matter. Or at least what #Sinclair told me. ‘You can do anything you put your mind to Miss Reyes. Don’t you ever forget it.’

My lips curled up into a soft smile, heading his voice in my head wasn’t  the same at on #Becca’s Island, but I had a good memory of it still. Even if it felt a little fogged.

‘What are you thinking about?’ #Monty asked from beside me. He walked step to step, like a perfect mirror of my actions.

“Something Sinclair used to say to me.” This made his heart turn, but her didn’t speak. Waiting to see if there were memories, I was willing to share. “He used to tell me I could do anything I put my mind too. That the only people or person to get in my way... was me.”

#Monty chuckled but still didn’t speak. “I’m starting to think the man had a point.” I said as we moved to the side, some of the guys from camp and some grounders were working together, carrying cleaning supplies and equipment.

‘I may not know it all, but I knew better than to disagree with what Sinclair said. So, yeah...’ He nudged his shoulder into mine chuckling again.

“Careful, Green. I may get myself a big head or something.” This earned an eye roll.

‘It’s not easy, Rey. What we are all trying to do up here. But the fact that so many people are here and breathing….  What is it you used to say…. Small wins? Yeah. Small wins. We will take them until they build up into something substantial.’

This time I moved closer to him. My friend warmed my heart.

‘Now… are you going to tell me how he is?’ The boy didn’t miss a beat while opening  the doors to the mess room.

“Who? John?” Arching my eyebrow.

‘No, Bellamy… you picked John.’ That mischievous look was back making the both of us laugh together.

“Funny… so bloody funny! But he is getting there. It’s going to be fine. He isn’t alone.” This time I truly believe what I said. John wasn’t alone. He had people he cared about. And maybe had someone special who will help keep his demons in check, even if he still hasn’t told me about them.

‘Come on, Rey. Let’s get those children feed.’ Leaving me standing in the middle of bustling mess, he rushed to find a trolly we could use.

•— John —•

We were so close. Two minutes earlier and we would have missed him. “It’s not true that your ears are your worst feature… Officer. Personally, I think they are adorable. #Harper disagrees.”

I watched his jaw tick like he was biting the inside of his cheek; I felt a swell of  pride. ‘You are so lucky you have a baby in your arms or I would smack you, John Murphy.’ Harper whispered as she passed me by and spoke normally. ‘Want to help us wrangle this gang back to the classroom?’

‘Sure thing.’ He smiled. ‘I have some time.’ He tried to take the  hand of the kid closest to me, but she looked up at me and I said without even twitching a finger. “En’s ku… Teik ai meika.” (It’s okay. Take my hand.) The little girl reached out and took my free hand. #Shaw bristled.

#Harper rolled her eyes and started to head down the  hall calling to the kids to follow. “Hos of, yongons.” (Move along, kids.) The stragglers started to move and Shaw did seem to making sure none of them wandered.

‘It’s a good look on you Murphy… maybe you’ll make a good mommy someday.’ Shaw smirked like he just landed a killer insult.

“Wow, gender base insults.” I laughed. Fuck! This kid was getting heavier by the second. There was no way I would show any hint of weakness around him. “You’re about a century too late… we wiped out that toxic bullshit a few years after the missiles  launched.”

‘Foul language in front of the little ones?’ Shaw acted horrified.

“They don’t speak English in case you haven’t noticed. Only the warriors learned English on the ground.” I said like this was common knowledge he should know.

‘So, I’d heard… why is that  exactly?’ He asked and I smirked.

“Because the people that lived in an American military base kidnapped their soldiers, turned them into drug dependant cannibals and fed their addiction when they brought them live grounders that they kept in cages and used their blood as  medicine.” It was true… and also a nice dig at the country he’d decided to fight for.

His face twisted up as he processed the information. “See that girl up there…” I waited until #Harper was far enough ahead. “The descendants of your government locked her in a cage so  small she had to curl into a ball… drilled into her and drained her bone marrow until she almost died. Then they strapped Raven to the same table and tried to do the same thing.”

‘Was that before or after you shot her?’ He looked at me smugly.

Bellamy fucking Blake! That man had no idea when to shut the hell up. “Ask Raven.” Was all I said back. Rey and I were long past that… even if I still refused to talk to #Jackson about it. It would not go down well if he confronted her about it.

He laughed and stroked his chin. He knew that was a bad  move. ‘Any particular reason you’re suddenly interested in these kids?’

“Oh, you mean the kids whose burns I treated and vomit bags I held when they came on board? Whose entire meal plan and nutrition requirements I calculated and prepare rations for every single day on this boat? Yeah… pretty unexpected that I took an interest…” I rolled my eyes. “Or maybe it’s because I’m one of about ten people from the Ark that bother to learn their language. Pick which one you like best.”

Finally, the double doors to the schoolroom appeared before us. And we went inside. #Harper pointed me to the cots and I lay the sleeping toddler down, easing his tiny arms from around my neck as Harper tucked a blanket around him. ‘You need to stop antagonising that man.’ She whispered to me. ‘Raven trusts him, we need to trust him too.’

“Oh I trust him,” I said and she looked bewildered. “I trust him to keep this boat in orbit and the life support running.... but I don’t trust him with these people.” I tipped my chin towards the kid. “This was a prison ship.. and none of the prisoners survived? Isn’t that a  little convenient? We were prisoners too Harper… I’ve seen those cells. They wore shock collars… Do you really think they couldn’t have subdued any of them? Isn’t it weird that only half a dozen crewmates survived? If anything goes wrong up here the grounders will be the first to go. Or worse.”

‘Worse?’ she asked, her brow knitting in confusion.

“They still have the collars on board.” Her face dropped and she shook her head.

‘Please don’t do anything stupid, John. Raven needs you.’ It sounded like she was pleading. But Raven didn’t need anyone, not really. ‘Let me talk to #Clarke about this before you do anything, please?’

I blinked. “You believe me? Just like that…. Without proof?” She kissed my cheek quickly and smiled.

‘Just like that, John.’ And she shuffled off to the next kid, leaving me crouched by the little one. I looked over my shoulder and #Shaw was managing to get the little kids to lie down. I… fucking… hate… that guy.

•— Raven —•

‘Raven Reyes!’ The voice came from behind as #Monty and I loaded the last of the food ration assigned to the children for midday.

‘Busted!’ He chuckled looking over his shoulder to the person who owned the voice.

‘People have been looking all over this ship for you. Where have you been?’ #Clarke came to stand right beside me now. Her arms crossed over the chest, sending out the subliminal message that she was not to be fucked with.

“I couldn’t be hiding so well. Look you found me.” Saying it while struggling a little with the box of water.

‘It’s not a joke Rey. We need you. We need to make sure the council understands every step of the process. That are all so close. I can feel it.’

She was frowning at Monty.

‘Shouldn’t you be working on the plan on what to do when this all runs out?’ She pointed to the trolly.

“Back off Griff. He has been working damn hard. And he hasn’t stopped. Right now, he is helping Harper with feeding the children of the council. So… just bad off.” She looked out of sorts, and I didn’t care. I was fine with her telling me I was slacking. But she wasn’t going to say it to anyone else.

‘I… I’m sorry… it’s just a lot riding on this.’ She frowned looking away.

“Yeah, we know. It was kind of our minds coming up with the lists of everything we needed to do.”

#Monty placed a hand on my forearm, telling me to stop. ‘As soon as we deliver this food, I will get back to work on the algae farm. I’ve begun to find a way I think will make the most sense in a short period.’ The boy was super intelligent and if anyone could, it would be him.

I couldn’t help the pride I felt for my friend right now, as he went into great detail on how far the process had come. I knew what he was doing. Taking Clarke’s attention and anger off me.

•— John —•

#Harper’s easy acceptance of what I told her was still not sitting right in my mind… I couldn’t stop my inner monologue running through what her intentions might be. Was she going to use this against me? Would she tell the crew that I knew they had the collars? Would she think  I was crazy?

I knew what Raven would say. She would tell me to trust my family, my friends… but fuck! That really wasn’t easy. Harper was trying to settle a fussy child, singing to her and trying to keep the older kids quiet. They were clearly too old for naps and none of  them appeared to need one. I searched the room and found a tablet.

“I got the older ones, Harper. Try to get her to sleep.” I took the older kids to the other end of the room and gathered them up in a circle sitting on the floor. I pulled up a blank document on the  tablet.

Ꮻ ʜᴀʀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴄɪɴᴛʏʀᴇ ᴘᴏᴠ Ꮻ

I held the little girl draped across my lap… it was the only way she’d sleep and now I was afraid to move because she never slept well… I think she had bad dreams. I had let my humming fade out after her eyes closed. Now I was  watching John… speaking Trig to these kids like he had used it all his life… #Shaw was watching him too from the other side of the room. He caught my eye when I looked over and then came to stand next to me.

‘What is he saying to them?’ He asked me.

“I don’t know word for word. But he is teaching them to count in English and what each number looks like.” I replied, catching as many words as I could.

‘Why?’ He asked, brow furrowed.

“I think it's so they can use the elevators on their own if they ever need to, or get lost,” I told him without  thinking about whether or not I should answer the question.

‘Is that a good idea?’ #Miles asked, and there it was… I should have thought before I spoke. ‘What if they go back to their parents and teach them?’

I shifted to a little to face him and said matter-of-factly. “Then their parents will be able to move more freely around the ship.” My tone made it very clear that this was a good thing.

‘Oh yeah sure… I just meant that… they don’t understand life on a ship… We don’t want anyone accidentally stepping out into space.’ He replied  quickly.

•— Raven —•

〄 ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜɪᴘ’ꜱ ᴍᴇꜱꜱ

‘Rey, are you going to come and join the meeting? They need to see you there.’ #Clarke looks frustrated.

“Grif, I’m not a team mascot. If you need me there to explain what I am doing, or how things are working. Fine. But I’m not going to stand there just to make people feel comfortable. My time can be better spent.’

#Monty had stepped away to give the two of us room to speak. And some part of me thought I would have loved to walk away too.

‘You, know you are much more than a mascot. I don’t know…’ she rubbed her hand over her tired face.

“When was the last time you sat down, ate something, slept?’ Placing my hand on her shoulder. “Today I’m learning to stop and look around. To enjoy the sad wins we have.” Our eyes moved over the people in the  Mess with us. “All these people, they need to see us, to trust us. To understand we are here working to make sure their safety and security is what we are all working towards.”

Her shoulders sagged, but the fact that she wasn’t dragging me or herself out of here, it meant  she saw where I was coming from. ‘I guess…’ she began. ‘You have a point.’

I knew I shouldn’t joke. “Can I have it in writing?” She nudged me smiling.

‘Go, feed the masses. Do your thing. You’re working ten steps ahead of me.’ My smirk was all the answer she wanted.  But she pushed me playfully. ‘Shut up! And Go!’

•— John —•

〄 ʙᴀᴄᴋ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʟᴀꜱꜱʀᴏᴏᴍ

The kids seemed to get one to five down quickly, but I could see frustration starting to creep in. So I put away the tablet and started to ask them their names and tribes… they started to ask me about being born in space… that was harder.

On the ground, I never had much cause to talk about being Skaikru in their language since I spent most of my time trying to hide that fact.. other than from #Emori. It was impossible to translate words like 𝕆𝕣𝕓𝕚𝕥, 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕥𝕪 and 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕖𝕟𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘.

Plus trying to navigate the conversation around the fact that I was locked up for attempted murder, arson, burning two days' worth of breathable air and potentially endangering every life on the Ark just by lighting one fire…. Well yeah. That was difficult too.

The eldest two kids had asked me why they hadn’t been given a job… they were probably only eleven… but clearly, they were used to contributing. So I approached #Harper, letting the kids just hang out and relax. She still had a sleeping child on her lap. ‘That was amazing John…’ She smiled. ‘Who knew you would be the teaching kind?’

I laughed. “If #Pike could see me now right?” #Harper winced. She was there the day he attacked me in our Earth Skills class. “I just speak their language is all.”

‘You do… and not just  literally… you understand them. They can tell and they respond to that.’ She smiled again and I shuffled uncomfortably. Having people not hate me was a strange sensation.

“Speaking of understanding… the eldest kids… they were asking about having a job… helping out? I  think they are used to helping out at home.” There was no such thing as laziness on the ground, everyone spent their days surviving… working, and making sure they had what they needed to survive the winter or the dry season.

‘Oh… um… I suppose I could have them help out a little more with the kids… but I don’t think there's a lot they would be able to do. If they were off in the ship they would need to be supervised and that would take someone else away from a job…’ She was rambling now, thinking out loud… “You know who would be best to help with that?… #Luna. When she’s back we’ll talk to her about it.’

She was right, #Luna had everyone on the Oil Rig pitching in and that wasn’t much safer than this ship for little kids. She had to have ideas for safe ways for them to contribute. “Yeah… you’re right. I’d  bet she would think of something.”

‘Are you really thinking about putting kids to work?’ I hadn’t paid attention to #Shaw’s presence.

“We aren’t talking about slave labour here. We’re talking about letting them feel useful. These kids aren’t used to being idle. They are tending crops and raising farm animals from the time they can walk…” I left out the part about training to be soldiers from before puberty. “They just want to contribute.”

•— Raven —•

The doors slide open to #Monty and I seeing #Harper, #Miles, and John huddled to the far side of the classroom. Some kids sleeping and the olders one’s relaxing and speaking in hushed tones.

‘That doesn’t look good.’ #Monty uttered.

“What doesn’t?” I asked curiously as I saw nothing wrong with the sight before us.

‘John and Shaw. In the same room as children. They could kick off at any moment.’ Something passed in his mind because his body language changed.

‘Raven. There you are.’ A bright smile and a salute came from across the room.

“Hey Miles. I wasn’t expecting you to be down here. I’m sure the kids are loving the attention.” We pulled the trolley into the classroom and let the doors close behind us.

‘You know I’m always up for showing my support.’ He came over to take my side of the trolley. ‘Let me help with this.’

My hazel eyes settled on #Harper and John. And the small one fast asleep on her lap.  Smiling at the two of them before the older children we up on their feet making their way across.

‘Who’s going to tell them to list up?’ Miles asked. Pulling my attention back to him

“Mi….” Before I could even say his name, #Monty replied frowning.

‘No one.’ #Monty replied. ‘They are kids, not prisoners. They can help themselves to anything they want from here. Because they know how to take care of rationing food.’

Before his sentence was over, I saw how the oldest looking of the kids stepped up. One handing the younger ones their fair share of food and water. Before even thinking of serving themselves.

‘See…’ #Monty said looking proud of them. The girl took food and water over for Harper, the baby, and John too.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at the salute… didn’t anyone tell him America was over? I scoffed when he asked who was going to tell the kids to line up for rations. It had been ten minutes since we talked about the fact that I was one of the few people from the Ark who spoke their  language.

I smirked and turned my attention to the child and #Harper’s lap to try and hide the grin when #Monty called him out. ‘John Murphy, you wipe that smirk off your face.’ #Harper whispered; she leaned in close. ‘Raven is allowed to make new friends. Don’t be jealous…  it can’t compare to what you did for her.’

I inhaled deeply. “Raven might be blind to it… but we all know it's not friendship he wants.” I whispered back.

‘All that matters is what our Rey wants, she will only do what she wants to do.’ #Harper replied and I flicked my eye to the side watching the kids help themselves to their fair share and passing the packet to the young ones that were awake. Saving some for the little ones still sleeping. I smiled at the little girl and took the rations from her. “Mochof.” (Thank you.) I told her.

‘How long are you going to wait, John?’ She asked and I was stunned. I busied myself opening her rations and giving them to her because she only had one free hand. Was I that transparent?

“As long as she needs me too,” I whispered, not able to look at her now. But I saw her roll her eyes in my peripheral vision.

‘You don’t get to decide what she needs, John… this isn’t the same thing as her working herself into an early grave.’ Even though she was clearly calling me out… her words were kind, like she was giving me advice, maybe even encouragement…  instead of telling me off.

I looked her in the eyes now. “I can’t lose her.”

•— Raven —•

‘I .. Uhm… I fucked up again. Didn’t I?’ #Miles stepped into me to whisper in my ear. However, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the packet in my hands. ‘I’m sorry Raven. This is all new to me.’ And I knew it was.

“Yeah… Miles... you did… but at least you know you did. That’s a start.” I half smiled. Hearing a scoffing sound coming from #Monty’s direction before he went to join #Harper and John.

‘I’m trying. It’s not easy thinking the way you do. You are so trustful and open… I’m... well… I’m messed up.’ I knew what #Miles was going through. We’re had a number of night time conversations when he’d wake up from nightmares and knock on my door.

I smiled and nudged him with my elbow. “I am far from perfect. Just like to think we need to survive together, without the trauma every single one of  us has lived through. You, me, and everyone else on this ship. Each step we take has to be with humanity in mind. Not a power trip or thinking less about anyone else. You know what I mean?”

He nodded his head, giving me a hug and whispering in my ear again. ‘I want to be Raven Reyes when I grow up.’ This made me laugh, patting his back and hugging him too.

“Keep with me kid, and I’ll show you how it’s done.” Stepping back to look up at him. Placing a hand on his cheek. “Just show them the side of you, I’ve seen. Your kind, bull headed, but this...” My hand moved to his chest and heart. “This is what matters, when every person around you is fearful and lost.”

Looking over his shoulder I saw John speaking with Harper, it made me smile. He too once told me no one would love him and now look at him. He had a family. Even if he didn’t recognise it yet.

•— John —•

Now I had sunk so deep into those feelings, I thought I had done a good job of keeping to myself today. I was a good friend today, wasn’t I? Helped her with her pain when I could and kept her company… even if I wasn’t so successful at having her take a break… walking the ship with the kids was far less difficult and physically taxing than her day job… and now here I was grasping at those mental threads, trying to stuff them deep down again.

Would it ever get easier?

I wasn’t sure I wanted it to… on one hand this hurt… on the other… it  was a reminder that I was capable of feeling. If it got easier… if I forgot… Would I turn back into the version of John Murphy she hated?

Just so I had a reason to not watch the exchange between Rey and #Shaw I ate my ration, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

But then he hugged her and the movement in my peripheral vision was too much to ignore. My gaze flickered up… I couldn’t see this… I couldn’t look away.

I needed to see this. I needed to know that she had far better prospects than me. Even if it was this douchebag… He was  making her smile… making her laugh. She touched his face and the crack in my chest was what I needed to look away, back at #Harper. I forced a smile that failed to wipe the pity from her eyes. Great! I was pitiful again.

‘John, it doesn’t mean…’ She started to tell me that what I saw meant nothing. But nothing Raven did ever meant nothing. Time was too precious to her. Everything she did was about making things better.

“It’s fine… I’m fine.” I lied. I hadn’t promised #McIntyre I wouldn’t lie to her. “All that matters is that she’s happy, that’s all I need.” Another lie, this one stung me. I looked around the room at the sleeping kids, the older ones eating or helping the little ones that had woken open the little silver packets.

“Do… um…” I cleared my throat, there was a lump there that the words got stuck on. “Do you still need me here? You have soldier boy now and I should go check on the canteen… my grounder assistants still struggle with the tablets to record the rations that were collected.” Truth. Sort of… They would manage… but still, the half-truth eased the guilt a  little. Raven really was rubbing off on me if these little lies were weighing on me.

‘Um…’ Harper looked around and swallowed thickly. ‘John, you don’t…’ she seemed to think about what she was about to say. ‘We’ll be fine. You should do what you need to do.’

I didn’t give any other explanation as I made my way to the door as subtly as possible. Until the eldest child in the room called out. ‘Seda, yu gon raun?’ (Teacher, you’re leaving?) I wasn’t sure what stopped me. The fact he’d announce my departure to the room or the fact he called me Seda. It was not a word the grounders used carelessly.

•— Raven —•

#Miles handed me a chunk from his now opened sliver packet, holding it out to me with a smile. Of course I didn’t need help to open my rations. But it was the gesture in the moment, an olive branch as they called it on earth in his days. So, I went with it. Showing him that just because a mistake is made didn’t mean the end of a friendship.

We all did it from time to time, making mistakes, saying things we didn’t mean, or just having a bad day. It didn’t mean doors were closed on you forever. The room had been divided into three sections, each of which was busy with those around them.

 #Monty, spoke in hushed tones with a boy showing him how to open the rations in a clean way. And once again when my eyes went to #Harper and John, they were speaking to each other still.

Wanting to give John space, to build his relationship with the others, I went to sit down beside some of the children on our side of the room.

We needed to give all of them the same amount of attention no matter their age. (Or at least that was my belief.)

#Miles of course, joined me, giving us an opportunity to introduce him to them. We needed to keep trying to build some trust between the young ones. They were told to fear people who dressed like us, and as grown-ups it was our responsibility to break those walls down.

#Miles’s eyes widened with shock when he heard my broken trig. ‘I didn’t know you spoke their language too.’ He asked.

“You know it’s the same language as we speak, just with the evolution of over a hundred years.” This made him smile.

‘Are you going to teach me some too?’ he asked with an elbow to my side.

Parting my lips to answer, I stopped, seeing another opportunity to build something lost. “You know who taught me?” Nodding my head to the other side of the room to where John was. “John Murphy. He has a talent for picking up speech.”

I swear I saw something in #Miles’s eyes before he shook his head. ‘Guess I’ll be using sign language with the kids for a while.’

Everyone stopped speaking at the same time, with all our heads turned to  the door and John. He looked lost, caught out, as though he stopped from doing something he shouldn’t be. But more so. It’s what I saw in those baby blue eyes of his.

No one spoke for a moment, he didn’t answer the child, and it began to feel awkward. “Bilaik seda, na na bakon.” (Your teacher will be back.) I told the child waving them over to where we were sitting. “Kom op, bilaik dina ste hir.” (Come here, your lunch is waiting.) Beckoning them over.

They glanced back to John and then to me, ultimately choosing  to take a seat beside #Miles. I gave them what was left in my packet, telling them to eat it and share it with their friends if they were full, and then stood up.

Smiling at all those who had allowed me to join them for lunch. I told #Miles, I’d find him later. His eyes moved to the door, and he nodded his head in understanding before I turned and walked slowly towards John.

When I stood facing him, I smiled tilting my head to the side. My hazel eyes locked onto him. “You weren’t leaving without me, were you? No… It couldn’t be…” Pushing the button on the wall to open the door I asked.

“Where to next, Watcher?”

•— John —•

I said nothing… I had no idea what I should say… Seda? No… I couldn’t the grounders would not like their children talking to Skiakru like that. Then Raven spoke instead. That was when I noticed the kid was looking confused.

But… Raven… she crossed the room to me. “Oh…” I smiled. Those glinting hazel eyes instantly switched my rapid heartbeat from frantic to… whatever the hell this was. I didn’t care because it was infinitely better. “Um…” Honesty. Raven respected honesty. “Well I was going to go check on the guys in the canteen… but…” I stopped how could I turn this around? “It's my day off… and since I’m trying to set a good example for a certain workaholic, I should probably rethink that plan.”

I looked around the room quickly #Harper was murmuring to the kid on her lap as she stirred awake. Captain  Whatever and #Monty was talking to the kids. And Raven… She wanted to stay with me. It did funny things to my insides.

“Wait… does this mean that I’m the workaholic now and you’re the slacker?” I teased her. “Maybe you should pick what we do next instead. How does the great Raven Reyes relax?” Then I stopped. “If there’s math I’m out!”

•— Raven —•

Of course, he got the mother of all eye rolls. “Like I would try’s you with my math.”

Taking his hand, I pulled him out of the room letting the doors slide close. “We don’t want to let the young ones out, or wake those still sleeping.”

This was better, the darkness in his eyes had lifted,  it had only taken a few moments. I wasn’t sure what had caused it to occur in the first place. However, the fact that he didn’t allow himself to spiral into the depth of darkness for too long, meant he was trying to get himself better.

“You didn’t tell me it was your day off; I wouldn’t have dragged you around the ship if I knew.” Or had he and I forgot?

Nudging him with my shoulder. “I’m a quick learner. You’d be proud to hear, I even dodged Griffins attempts to get my arse into the council meeting to go over the same questions for the millionth time again.”

Glancing up and down the corridor, I was lost. “I really don’t know what we should be doing. Maybe I should walk you back to your room, and then get my arse back to work.” A Guilty feeling began to emerge from using his free day, which we didn’t have many off.

•— John —•

I let her pull me out into the hall and remember her taking my hand before she fell asleep. “I haven’t had many but the ones I have had I spend wandering the ship anyway… This is a strange place… I figured the best way to get comfortable here was to know my way around.” Then I quirked a brow… “What did you think when lunchtime rolled around, and I didn’t run off to the mess?” I chuckled. “Losing your edge there, Reyes.” I teased her.

I raised my bros in shock at her turning #Griffin down. “Wow! Really? I’m so proud!” Then I thought about it “Isn’t that more the Docs forte anyway… the effects of cryo on the human body and blah, blah, blah.”

“”Shh!!” I pressed one finger to her lips… mushing them into a funny shape and laughing. “No work talk… days off are to be spent with friends… so…. Come on! What’s next?” I smiled… I felt… lighter… and it was so easy. It was always easier near her.

I started walking down the hallway, it was selfish… but I didn’t want #Shaw to decide to tag along. Even if I was certain he had a way to find whoever he wanted on this ship if he really  wanted to.

“Come on, Rey… you have to know all of the best spots to have fun around here.”

•— Raven —•

“Okay fine, it’s a good question. But in my defence. I wasn’t looking around much in the mess. If I had stopped to think. I’m sure I’d have worked it out.” I hoped to myself at least. But his chuckling sound was worth the brain fart moment.

I was smiling too, nodding my head  and laughing a little when I spoke.

“I didn’t think she would let me off the hook so easily, but she gave in when I gave her my ‘don’t make me boom you, Griff’ voice” I didn’t. Or at least I don’t think I did. But it was worth a little elaboration. Sighing and nodding my head as I began to speak, but….

My face felt mushed, and my lips… his finger was on it! I was going to bite it, or lick it, or…. Well… I stopped my mouth from doing something awkward and laughed instead.

Following John down the corridor  wasn’t difficult, I’d been the one to pull him out, and inserted myself into his day.

“Anyway….” Pushing my hands into the pockets of my jumpsuit, catching up to his stride for now. “That’s my point… with Abby and the council meetings. I’m the ‘doer’ not the brains behind the how and what if. Sure I can’t talk about the details of the machine but do they need to know it? The worries I would have if I were them…. Is it safe, has it been tested, will our families be safe. The science… you know?”

I knew I was on a tangent. Sighing again I stopped looking at the back of John. Recalling one of his concerns about the ship.

 “I don’t know this ship like the back of my hand. So… want to go explore with me?” Watching him for his reaction.

•— John —•

I chuckled and smiled at her. “Nah... it’s a good sign… it means you were enjoying your time with the kids.”

I kept my pace slow; she was already hurting, and I didn’t want to make it any worse. “First of all; you are always the brains… but second… can’t you just trot out the screws and tell the people they were in the chambers for almost one hundred years? And they've been in and out of them a few times, right? On the way out to their mission and again on the way back. Show the living, breathing, walking, and talking results of the chamber.”

She stopped and I kept going a few steps... thinking she was hurting… but she always caught up… I knew she hated it when people slowed down for her. But when she asked her question, I turned with a grin.

“Now you're speaking my language, Rey!” Then I tilted my head and took a step in her direction. “I wanna add one thing though! Remember that bet we made… I still have ten questions. I want to ask one today.”

•— Raven —•

My brow furrowed considerably, John always seemed to act as though he didn’t understand or care about the situations around us. However, he had changed. Taking comments and actions into consideration, and even giving his opinion on the matter too. Part of me thought I’d lost this side of John. That I wouldn’t see it in a long while as he readjusted to our new life, but more so the people.

I stood pleasantly surprised and proudly proven wrong. “The council have met Miles, Lizzy. The others weren’t up to the  challenges to discuss their time in the pods and tell you the truth I don’t blame them. Waking up to so much change and losing all that time.”

I empathised with the others who woke up. I started to catch up to John, nudging him with my elbow.

“There you go, trying to weasel your way in by being charming. But… also factual. I am the brains.” Laughing until he reminded me of his win.

“I’m not going to lie. I forgot about it.” My hazel eyes turned their attention on him, trying to gauge the severity of  these questions. “But it’s only fair. We agreed to ten questions. So… you have ten questions.”

Gesturing for him to continue walking towards the elevators. We’d need to pick a level we hadn’t seen previously.

•— John —•

I couldn’t lie… I hadn’t really thought about that… that they’d woken up in an entirely different world. But then again they had accepted a mission that had them in cryo. “Isn't that kinda what they signed up for, though?” I asked, genuinely… “Obviously not the apocalypse…  how long was the mission meant to be originally… Twenty-five… fifty years? No one could be sure what you could come home to after that long.”

Sure, It was still a shock… but the planet was in a major climate crisis… there were wars everywhere. Did they really expect to  return to the exact same world? Had they lost any more than the first generation of Arkadians? But one thing was for sure. Being born in space… seemed like a better option to me. Considering everything I went through… that is saying something. At the Ark was always the Ark... Well, until it wasn’t.

I stepped into the lift with her and smiled. “So… where have you not been so far?” I asked her, figuring she'd probably seen more of the ship than me… with the repairs she’d have carried out. “Let’s go exploring somewhere neither of us has been yet,” I mentioned nothing about the question I was going to ask… I would find a moment later. As long as she didn’t pick the prison floor… I had zero desire to go back there, and I honestly didn’t want Raven to see it… even if the chances were she already had.

•— Raven —•

“I don’t know John.” I began walking down the corridor again towards the elevators. I had some insight into the minds of the crew through #Miles, but would it be breaking of his trust to bring it up? “The only way I can say I understand it, even when you know you make a choice to do the work and job they did. They knew their friends, families, people they knew were living a life, growing old, dying with a full life.”

Pushing my hair back over my shoulder, recalling the  loss I had felt in my life. “But to wake up, find out they are all gone, and why? Knowing there is no one on the planet you called home, who was even related to them? It’s a lot.”

Coming to a stop before the metal doors, I pushed the button with the down arrow. “There is some part of their story which resonates with me. I’m not sure how, or why. However, I feel for them, John. And I don’t want them to relive their memories if it cases them pain.”

Stepping from foot and foot, I gave up and lent against the wall. Pointing my finger down.

“I say we do it the way we did on Becca’s Island? Start from the bottom and make our way up? If you are game?”

•— John —•

“I get that… But maybe they just need to see that people come out as healthy as they were when they went into the bad.”

I knew the feeling… I had been there a matter of months, and I could barely stand to look at the burning planet. I watched her little shuffle, and I knew she was hurting. “Sounds good to me,” I said, I leaned back against the wall next to her, set my feet about a foot  away and braced myself back against the wall. I reached for Raven. “C’mon… no one is watching, lean on me,” I told her pulling her over to rest her hip against my thigh. Almost like sitting on my lap but not. “I’m a little more comfortable than the wall.” I chuckled. “Take  the pressure off, it’ll take a minute to get all the way down.” I wasn’t sure it felt different to touch her when we were alone… It felt like a violation when others were around… like they might guess my feelings for her and see something more. But when it was me and her… most of the time it just felt like she was my friend… she was in pain, and I could help. Of course, there were moments… but if I let myself think of those I would never get out of that loop.

I paused for a moment and then finally said it. “Can we skip the prison floor?” I asked. “I checked it out already and I don’t really want to go back… plus I don’t think you need to see it.”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah, I get your point for sure. I’ll bring it up with Marcus, Abby, and the others when I see them. It can’t hurt if we stick to the facts and don’t ask questions.”

John didn’t wait for me to reply before pulling me into his side. The moment i allowed the weight off my hip  I felt a rock life up and off my chest. I didn’t move away or fight him. John Murray was one of the few people in my life who had seen me at my worst, and still he stood here. No matter our issues, our problems, our ups and downs. We were going to rebuild our friendship.

Pain had become my not to silence partner in life. But I’d learnt soon after the fact, that the more space I gave it in my thoughts, the less it would let me live. So, it was always the case of pushing forward until I couldn’t take anything more.

“This reminds me of the evenings at home…. I mean… in the mansion, when you talked me into leaving the lab for the first time.” Resting my head to the side I closed my eyes before opening them again. “No matter how tight of a hold the pain had on me.

You found a way to take the pressure off a little.”

I took a deep breath, turning my eyes on John. I knew why he didn’t want to go to that level. And I wouldn’t push him to tell me more until he was ready.

“Sure, deck eight isn’t the vibe… we can go straight down  to deck ten. So much more to see in the waste disposal system anyway.” Elbowing him to say. I got you. Don’t worry.

I recalled a moment in my workshop, where John had said he would share his thoughts me later. But I pushed that away. If he remembered, he would tell me. I was sure about that.

•— John —•

Raven didn’t even hesitate about moving to lean on me… Was this it? Were we back to where we’d been in the Mansion?… I smiled thinking about it, keeping my hand on her waist I was sure that just like the Ark; the lifts of this ship were prone to sudden stops or jolts on occasion… they were all at least a century-old after all.

“It was a lot of trial and error. And ducking.” I teased. “But you’d be surprised by the number of ways you can turn a human body into a temporary chair.” I chuckled. “And you can call it home… I promise I won’t have a breakdown.” I didn’t want her censoring herself because she was worried about how I might react. “It was home. But we’ll make a new one.”

I turned to thank but she was looking at me and I swallowed hard. Remember those moments I was talking about? Yeah… “There they are,” I smirked, covering. Those little gold stars were showing in those hazel eyes again. “Feeling better?”

Then the rest of what she said hit me. “Wait! Waste disposal…. Is this the part where you float me and tell everyone it was a system failure?”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah? Maybe you need to start making a list of all the ways. See how far we can get.” Thankful for the opportunity to find some form of support right now.

“You are maybe able to hold on. But John. I can’t make the same promise. It… it felt like home…. You are right…”  I knew he would make a comment about me acknowledging him being right. However here we were. “After so long… we found a place to stay where nobody wanted kill us each night… well… kinda…”

Frowning a little, I tilted my head. “There who is?” What had he seen that I hadn’t? And then I burst out laughing so hard!!

“Oh… please! I wouldn’t float you. Where is the fun in that? Keeping you with me is a way better way to torture you.”

•— John —•

“Vital medical research.” I nodded, very serious. Then laughed.

I let out a breath… “I’m not too sure I believe it just yet. But I’m trying… and as #Lizzie says… I have my girls.” I chuckled, poking my fingers into her waist indicating she was one of the girls the army medic so easily called 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕖. “And… I’m trying.” I said it again… because… well there wasn’t anything else to say. It seemed like there was no end to the trying, no matter what #Jackson told me.

I ignored her question with a cheeky grin… knowing that another conversation about her eyes might send me to that place again. She was having fun…. Hurting, but having fun. She had to learn how to feel both at once; because one of those things wasn’t ever going away.

“So kinky Reyes!” I teased her when she mentioned torture. “I mean…  they always say the nerdy ones have the wildest streaks… but you just take it too far.” The red number nine scrolled by on the screen above the door. I wrapped my arm all the way around her and held on a little tighter as the lift clunked down to ten and stopped with only a light jolt.

•— Raven —•

“Your girls?” I asked with a raised brow. He had girls? When his poked me it clicked what #Lizzie must have meant, making me laugh.

There were times when the woman had watched the closeness of our group, and I had caught the moment smiling. Proud that we are a people could  still relate to the realisation of having someone to care for, and who cared for us.

Laughing I shimmied in his arms. “We only have our kinks to keep us company on dark nights, John… don’t knock them until you try some.” Giving him comedic kissy lips laugh. This was us… where we had come… the distance we had travelled together as friends. We were finding our way back!

His hands around me, brought my face to him and then above the doors, seeing the ride down was coming to its end.

Taking a moment to breathe and gather my willpower. “Here we go. No don’t go screaming if something jumps out at you.” Warning him was funny too.

Straightening up once the elevator came to a still and the door slid open.

•— John —•

I mushed her lips again when she pulled that face and laughed… Just in time too… Sure I was trying hard to be her friend… but wriggling against me like that? I was only human after all. But that face was so comical I laughed… seeing her have this much fun was long overdue.   Today… the night we shared the ice cream… she was smiling again. Laughing. Living. And doing it while taking her pain in stride.

It was all I wanted for her. Well, that and some kind of miracle to take away her pain, at least the pain in her body… the other kind; I wasn't sure either of us would ever fully be rid of that.

“Oh!! So that’s what you do at night?” I teased her. “You volunteering? Because I have roommates… I’m not sure they would appreciate the  𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 part.” I laughed. Because it was what we did… the weird, utterly  ridiculous pseudo-flirting.

I put a hand on her back until she was on her feet, then let her be. “If something jumps out at me Reyes… I’m tossing you at it and legging it.” I laughed. We both knew there was no way… we were well past that… but I was much too good of a joke not to use it. I had literally been shot at trying to save her from danger… which was kinda fair… considering… well, you know. I actually shot her.

But in the Spirit of… jovial cowardice… I waited in the lift and motioned to her.

“As always, Rey.” I winked. “Ladies first!”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. Volunteering for what exactly?” Looking towards the door and then him. Recognition dawned upon me the moment I said the words, making me grin.

With a flat palm to his face, I playfully pushed his face to the side. “John boy…. You wouldn’t survive the night if I did. So, let’s not pretend you wouldn’t have the time of your life trying to stay alive.”

Pushing off I took two steps back before facing the long dark corridor as the lights began to come on with a loud switch sound as each one came on.

“Now… that’s not going to be a problem at all. I was planning of tripping you over. I don’t need to be fast, just faster than the slowest person. So, good to know neither of us needs to live with the consequences and guilt if the other person is knocked off.”

I knew it was far from the truth. I wouldn’t leave him alone. Not again. Not ever.

“Come on slow coach, we had a ship to explore, and monsters to banish.”

•— John —•

I laughed and licked her palm when she pushed me, trying to bite her finger before she pulled away. “Stop threatening me with a good time, Reyes. We both know you’re all talk.”

“Ouch!!!” I clutched my chest like I was wounded and like I hadn’t said the exact same thing to her. I followed her out of the lift… I froze. The flickering lights along the hallway were a little too like the dream where I was running to find her, and the hallway never seemed to end. I shook my head… I was awake… Raven was right there walking and talking.

I knew that  neither of us would ever leave the other behind again… and despite the vast difference in our feelings for one another; this was for the exact same reasons… we’d come through too much. It wasn’t because I was in love with her that I couldn’t leave her behind… it wasn’t because I kept her alive that she wouldn’t leave me behind. It was because right now… we were keeping each other alive.

I clapped my hands together, swallowing my idiotic thoughts and matching her speed. “Let’s go be monster hunters!” I laughed.

“So, I never saw the waste  disposal on the Ark…. Is it just a giant airlock?” I needed to keep my mind busy.

•— Raven —•

“Shut up, Watcher. One of these days you’ll learn how I’m not all talk. And then you’ll wish it was all a joke!” Giving another once of my shoulder shakes as I walked down the corridor. “Clearly forgotten about the Manson pranks I helped with.” 

Giving him the ‘I’m watching you.’ Gesture with my fingers…

Coming to a stopped I glanced over the doors to either side of the hallway, wondering where to even begin. Until I remembered. “My note book!”

Patting my jump suit, I found it in a back pocket pulling it out. “ Waste disposal? You weren’t even assigned down there? Big shock.” Shaking my head as i thumbed through the pages.

“They wouldn’t have let anyone without hight levels of Clarence down there. Because…” looking over towards him as I spoke. “They turned Trash-to-Gas. It was a good way to use a thermal degradation process to, convert waste items into a gas that the crew could either reuse onboard or dispose of via gas venting overboard the spacecraft. It meant we used absolutely everything and didn’t go  polluting space where possible.” Not adding the fact that they floated people like we were disposable by the end of our life on the Ark. 

Finding the page I was looking for.

“Here we go. Right so on this deck we have:

Transport drop.

Waste disposal  

The Shuttle Control Room

A Landing Pad

Some Workshops… oh I so want to see those…

An Escape Pods and the Cargo Bay… think there may be some more of that ice cream stuff in there?” I asked.

•— John —•

I laughed. I would have said prove it… but she wasn’t what someone would call shy. If she called my bluff I had no idea how I might react. “I’m still hearing nothing but threats of a good time.” I teased. Teasing was safe, teasing was our thing.

I gave her a sultry twirl when she the 𝕖𝕪𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕟 𝕞𝕖 gesture, giving her a nice little arse wiggle as I did too. “See what you're missing out on Reyes!” I laughed harder now then I coughed. “Geek!” and patted my chest when she took out the notebook.

I scoffed. “They put me on janitorial for my internship, Raven… not that it mattered, I was in the skybox a year later.” I chuckled at her revelation… thinking back on the old movies, they would show sometimes. “Do you think people from before the Cataclysm ever imagined that waste disposal would become a high-security job? They threw everything out all the time.”

I rolled my eyes… because before she mentioned high-level clearance waste disposal sounded like the most boring thing on this level. “But you’ve gotten me all worked up for waste disposal now! You aren’t a tease are you, Rey?” I waggled my brow like I wanted her to say yes and grinned.

•— Raven —•

I didn’t know if John had a death wish, or the need to poke at the bear. But I so wanted to smack his arse when he shook it at me. You got lucky that I was out of reach, and couldn’t be doing to moving in closer just now.

“I’m a proud Geek, thank you so much for  recognising my potential.” Bowing my head, because there was no way I could do a full curtsy.

Closing the notebook, I folded it in half pushing it back into the pocket it came out of.

I actually thought about his question.  “I mean they must have been thinking around it at some point, right?”

Glancing around and then back at him. “There were those, who tried to consume less, and pollute the planet less. They would be happy to see we managed to do more with waste production?” Pointing up.

“I’ve been looking over the inmate files for here... Some of them on here were what they called activists. They went to the extreme to bring action to the dangerous situation the planet was in…. So… you know…”

Shrugging  my shoulders, before I stopped all I was doing and saying, stepping into him with a deadpan expression.

“Oh… John… Murphy… I’m the biggest tease you will ever see.” Poking my tongue out at him and laughing my head off. I knocked my shoulder into his.

“Come on…. Let’s keep walking.”

•— John —•

I knew she going to say that. She was proud of how hard she worked to get where she was and proud of it; as she should be.

“Yeah, I’m sure there were a lot of people trying to fix it. Just not enough of them I suppose…” I scoffed a laugh. “Figures, doesn’t it? Locking people up for trying to save the world.” I shook my head.

“Careful! If there’s a solar flare your face will get stuck like that.” I repeated the thing the grow-ups used to tell us on the Ark when we pulled faces. I followed her down the hallway, there weren’t any doors for a long way. So the rooms down here had to be pretty big. Unlike the other levels with a door every few feet.

“Did you say there was a cargo hold… Like supplies… or whatever they were mining? It would make sense for the mined material to be down here, wouldn’t it? Easier to unload when they land on Earth. My head stayed on the swivel… then moved to Raven to check on how deep her limp was… but when she was in adventurer mode, she seemed to forget her pain… and I wasn’t sure it was a good thing… it had to catch up with her eventually.

“Slow down a little, Rey… this isn’t a race. Unless you're that eager to get out of my company?” I teased; I knew it was ridiculous. She’d decided to go exploring with me at the very bottom of the ship. She had plenty of chances to politely part company… but she had chosen to spend her free time with me.

•— Raven —•

“I’d still be beautiful and more importantly intelligent.” Tapping the side of my head. “Maybe not as intelligent as I was on the island… but I still have a few boom sticks to prove my point.”

Of course… I wouldn’t use explosives on board, and no… I didn’t bring any with me… but the threat was just funny to use now.

Rolling my eyes and slowing my step. There was an underlying sense of urgency whenever I set out to achieve something. Planning… Creating… or exploring. It brought out my inner child.

I smiled remembering how #Finn would go out of his way on days my mom was having a bad time. Finding silly things, he could turn into something mysterious or adventurous, just so I would take him on a hunt around the Ark to find the answers.

Reaching out I curled my arm around Johns, walking step in step with him.

“I don’t know what they kept down here, which is why we’re here. My search so far hadn’t been successful in finding the contents of the hold. But my thoughts were going down the same direction as yours. They were a mining company ship… they were on their way back… so… I would expect a full load?”

I turned my hazel eyes to look at him, playfully punching the arm I held onto. “Sure, this is how I act when I want to get away from someone?” He knew better. He had witnessed me running away! Even joined me at times.

•— John —•

I stopped walking. “Rey… you are way smarter now than you were with the code in your brain… You’re surviving. Not trying to kill yourself in search of some other cause. You are fighting for all of us, but for yourself too. And whatever keeps you alive, will always be the smarter choice.” I shook my head at the words that spilled out without my consent. “Because if you die we are all fucked… And we both know you're beautiful.” I winked at her so she would believe it was just more flirty banter.

Then the last part of what she said dawned on  me. “Let’s not play with boom sticks on the century-old spaceship… at least not until the planet is fit for human habitation again.”

I smiled when she linked her arm around mine and patted her arm, half teasing, half affectionate. “Good plan… you don’t know how to take it easy. This way all you have to do is match your pace with mine.” She explained what she had… or rather hadn’t learned, about the cargo hold. “Damn, now I don’t know if I want to visit the highly restricted waste disposal or the mysterious cargo bay first.”

There were those  bright gold rings around her iris again, beaming at me. I smiled. “It’s my animal magnetism.” I chuckled. “You can’t help but want to be close to me. It’s not your fault… I’m just so gorgeous that you can’t control your subconscious.” I chuckled and we walked until we were  faced with a sign. ‘Cargo Bay with an arrow one way and ‘Waste Disposal’ with an arrow in the opposite direction.

“Decisions, decisions, Reyes… What is it gonna be?”

•— Raven —•

“I know I’m intelligent, Watcher. I… well... you know. I wish I was as fast as I was down there.” Holding my finger in the air. “However, not missing the so-called naps, and the reaper stick.” Laughing now that he’d given me the exact reaction, I’d expected about setting  off the boo. Sticks.

Giving him a deep low and soft sigh before bursting out in laughter. “Animal magnetism? Aren’t you the one who was about to be eaten by the monster in the water? That’s how much the animals were supposedly attracted towards you.”

Right away I buried all of the flashing images and emotions coming rushing at me at 100 mph. What was I even thinking? Actually, this is proof that I wasn’t thinking! Being with him always made me relax, to the point where I didn’t have any guards up, which meant not being able to think clearly.

Shaking my head. “Scratch that… i really don’t want to hear any jokes about you becoming monster bait.”

“Is it really even a debate?” Pointing in the direction of the cargo bay. Come on, John. You want to see what is in there? Think about all the stories a trip in you could inspire you to tell all your new friends?” Those kids were intrigued and besotted by him.

“You know we can see if we could find more treasures and treats!” Why was I even trying to entice him? I just began  dragging him down the corridor, with the lights going out behind us, and more coming on in front.

•— John —•

This was a sentiment that we didn’t share… on the island, the code; it terrified me. “Well, I’m sorry that you miss it… but I can’t pretend I do… every time you came out with another brilliant, unthinkable plan, it frightened me… I thought… this will be the one…” The one that kills you… those words were left unsaid.

I rubbed my arm at the mention of that creepy sea creature. The scar was still thick and gnarly. Not that it was the only one I had… or even the worst. “Yeah, let’s put a hold on the nap talk too, we can save that for a wild night and a sugar crash.”

Before I could even get a word in, she was dragging me down the hallway. I laughed and looked back at the clunks behind me. The lights were switching off behind us. “Well, that's not ominous,” I muttered, looking back. Then I turned my attention  back to Raven. “Cargo bay it is! I laughed, matching my pace to hers… then slowing it, she was practically running again. “Will you slow down for once in your life, woman!” I teased her.

“Also… about that... the kids, I mean… I'm not so sure that we should encourage them to call me Seda.” I remembered the moments before we left the classroom. “It's a term of respect… an honour to the grounders. I don’t think that they would like their children using it with Skaikru… The kids just see someone teaching them numbers they don’t realise the depth of it.

Lights flashed to life ahead of us and I had to blink away the images of my dreams once more. I tightened my arm around Raven’s. I'm reminded myself:

I'm awake.

She's here.

We’re both alive.

She’s here. She’s here.

•— Raven —•

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪…

He didn’t have to complete the sentence, for me to hear, and understand where he is coming from. I knew I messed up the moment I said it. I had been selfish in a way to give life to that thought which I knew was ridiculous. I was on a path towards death when the code was in my head. Each day could have been my last, #Abby had placed John in charge of looking after me while I worked. So, he had a front row seat to the decline of my capacity to maintain my sanity. And now, now I was telling him I missed that time and the opportunity to use the code like some lost lover? What was wrong with Me?

“I’m, sorry! I didn’t mean to romanticise what happened to me. I just….” Then I shook my head. I wouldn’t justify my mistake. So I said “I’m sorry.”

Glancing back with him again, “it’s to save power. It’s one of the main reasons why this ship is in working condition right now. Without anyone away to keep it afloat, things like that.” I pointed back over my shoulder. “Helped the ship going.” Once again, my voice had a note of surprise. “And with such basic coding and software too…. Amazing how it all words together.”

Without realising I’d sped up my pace, but John was right there to slow me down so that I wouldn’t injure myself. I did as I was told, because it would all still be there,  even if it took us five minutes more to reach it.

“Wait… why?” I asked. “Seda means teacher... and if you are teaching them something, then why…” Then I remembered. John had spent more time with the grounders. “You didn’t ask them to call you Seda, John. The children  bestowed the title upon you. I don’t believe it’s disrespectful. But... you tell me. Why do you feel this way?”

Then without warning his hands tightened. “Hey… Watcher…” Placing my other hand over his. “ I’m right here with you… We are together…” Whispering with slow calm breathing.

“Tell me what’s going on?” Concern filling my eyes.

•— John —•

I shook my head. I was ridiculous. Wasn’t I supposed to be learning to do better in my head-shrinking classes… I mean… therapy sessions. “No… I’m sorry, Raven. It happened to you… not me. You should be able to process that in any way you want to.” I pulled myself together. “I was there for most of it, you should and you can talk to me about it.”

“Hmm…” I had turned back to the darkness behind us. It was at least ten feet behind us so it really shouldn’t have mattered… right? I processed her words, at last. “Oh yeah, I know…” She was nerding  out again and I tried to watch her and not the light clicking to life ahead of us and vanishing behind us. I focused on the word #Seda.

“It’s just… It’s used with respected members of their communities, leaders and elders… seasoned warriors that take apprentices… some  like Delano may be okay but others might not take it so well.” I tilted my head. “I’ll talk to #Luna about it… see what she thinks.” She would have the best instincts. “I know the kids don’t mean to disrespect their own people… but the adults might…”

The clunking of the lights slowed as we did. My heart wasn’t as quick to slow its pace.

Her hand was on mine again and… my heart stopped… just for the span of a few beats… or maybe my brain shut down? That seemed more likely because there was my heart again, still hammering away. “Um… did you remember the medical level in the bunker… the room with the…” Where the tank was. Just say the words!

“The lights in the corridor… they were like this… turned on in front and off behind you… My… eh… Sometimes… most times. In my nightmares, I’m in the corridor but the lights just keep flickering on and on and there is no end.” I told her all of this without hesitation… But I couldn’t give her more horrors to add to her dreams, the image of her half-frozen dead body. She had plenty of her own trauma, she didn’t need mine.

“But I’m  okay… Or… I’m almost okay. In my dream I’m alone… I’m now, I’m awake… you are proof of that.” I touched her arm, wanting to assure her that I was going to be fine. “Just keep having your geek attack about energy efficiency…. It's oddly comforting.”

•— Raven —•

I didn’t tell him not to apologise, there was no point. We’d been here before; John and I both knew how to handle guilt. As in we held on to it hard! This was no different. We’d end up giving in and paying lip service, and I didn’t want that for our friendship.

We were going to do this right. It was a promise I would keep and bring him along with me.

When I came out of my thoughts, my eyebrows pulled together at how John’s demeanour had been affected by… what? He was looking over his shoulders. So, I did the same. Glancing back, but no one was there. Nothing looked out of place.

“Uhmm.. yeah…” I agreed with him. “Yeah. Luna would know how to deal with this situation without being offended by what the children have said.” Okay, I understood now where his trepidation stemmed from. I couldn’t handle it anymore; I’d been about to stop him walking. To ask him what was wrong or ask him if there was something down here giving him some form of anxiety. However, John began sharing of his own accord. Without prompting, or questioning, or even threatening  him with a boom stick!

But this is when my heart sank. My feet slowed even further as he spoke and came clean over what was going on in his mind. I was stunned into silence. Parts of his fears came freely, he was sharing, and I was listening without any judgment.

I wanted to drop his hand and draw John into an embrace, to hold my friend and show him I was here. Instead, I squeezed the hand he’d motioned towards. Half smiling, thankful I had made the correct decision when following him out of the makeshift classroom.

This is where I was meant to be. Because I was one or the reasons for this fear of his… Hells!  “I’m not going to give you false hope and say it will pass. But I am going to say… as long as I am breathing, you’ll always have me, and my geeky brain to help draw you free from your nightmares.” And I would do something about these lights, as soon as I knew what and how to work it all.

•— John —•

She stopped and listened, she heard everything I was saying. She always made the time to hear me out. She was going to draw a parallel with that corridor and her crazy, reckless, miracle cure. I didn’t need to add the thought of me finding her body into the mix of her own nightmares.

I gave her a smile and a chuckle. “What more could a man ask for?” Those gold flecks had dulled again, and I shook myself, making a silent promise to light them up again. I knew I couldn’t tell her that she gave me more hope than she knew… that she kept the nightmares away. It wasn’t fair. She had chosen to take a room to herself, she needed her space… because of course, she did, when she was sick, she was monitored twenty-four-seven… By me and the very people I had become dependent on. The people I found myself struggling to survive without one or more of them with me. Raven… alone with her… that was different.

So, no… telling her that she was my human dreamcatcher? Not an option, I couldn’t take her hard-won independence from her. She earned it. She wanted it.

Without thinking I leaned in and brushed a light kiss to her temple and whispered. “I’m glad I have you to rely on.” Because ‘Thank you.’… no, she wouldn’t accept thanks for this, she wouldn’t want it.

But my heart was racing again. And the lights still clunked. We started to walk again; her hand still  in mine, I might have my proof I was awake right here with me… but I wasn’t about to stand still long enough to let that encroaching darkness catch up to us.

‘You know you can always come and find me too, right?… if… the dreams are… well you know.” I squeezed her hand and brushed it with my thumb. “Or maybe we should scrounge up parts for those walkies you made at the drop ship.” I tilted my head… “Would they work in space?” and then I added against and distracting from what was likely the awful idea of that kiss… “Oh my god! You are turning me into a geek now!”

•— Raven —•

I knew there was something else unsaid between us, however I trusted John enough to know when he was ready, he would tell me. Maybe it was the grounder he had feelings for?

Shit! The thought only came to me now? Maybe what John had been trying to do was go see her? And then I tagged along and here he was. In the belly of a ship, in a dark corridor reminding him of his nightmares.

Fuck! I was messing up his life before I could even strengthen our friendship again. Why the hells couldn’t I think without my heart taking over when it  came to him and #Luna?

And I was holding his hand? What if this unnamed girl saw us? Okay.. fine.. she wouldn’t down here.. but what if she saw us in the main ship? What was wrong with me?

My mind was like an apiary, without the honey with just the bees with their stings  out to hit! (Or at least that’s what it felt like from all the information in the archives I gathered.) but who really knew? Miles’s name and Lizzie came to me now……

All the craziness and the thoughts went silent when my friend kissed the side of my head. Making my head go quiet to regroup. My words were my promise to him. I would have his back from this moment forward.

“I know… I know I can come find you and Luna.” But I wasn’t going to. We all had our nightmares to live with, but Luna and John They had such a hard time with theirs. I’d never add to that darkness.

I decided to turn the conversation in a different direction. “You know how I said I got you… there’s a caveat… if you mess with Abby… you’re in your own… I’m not going to get my arse grounded to my quarters because you gave her lip.” Nudging him again as we walked.

“Oh please, you were inducted into the geek squad the day you decided to help me build the distillery back at home. And you know you loved every minute of that day too. So don’t you dare deny it now.” Smiling, because somewhere there he’d found a way to bring me back.

“Well… Technically, yes walkie talkies should work up here. And now that I think of it… Maybe they actually might work somewhat better in space than on Earth, because up here in space there are far few  obstacles obcuring line of sight between the two radios. In essence the sound waves should travel better.”

Coming to a stop before two large metal doors, which looked as though they hadn’t been opened yet. Reading the words out loud.

“ＣＡＲＧＯ ＨＯＬＤ”

•— John —•

She was doing that overthinking thing again… but it was much less scary without that sword dangling over her head. She could think all she wanted and the worst-case scenario was a headache. And possibly her working herself till she fainted… but it was easy to guilt her into eating by telling her she was setting a bad example by skipping rations.

I was about to say that this was completely fair, but then I thought about it… “No deal, Reyes!! I went up against Abby on your behalf a few times! I should get at least one credit for a major screw-up  with Abby.”

I rolled my eyes so hard I swear I heard the muscles straining. “That was just working with my hands… following instructions.” I chuckled. I remembered that day… it was a good day… easy. She was happy, still working but not on something that was going to fry her mind. I wasn’t worried… or I wasn’t as worried as I had been… I just enjoyed being with my friend. “That was a great day…” I smiled… The nightmares were pushed deep into the recesses of my mind by the memories.

“The crew of the ship must have had some kind of communication system other than those tablets, right?” I was thinking of the one Abby gave me for the rations… and how there was a way to send messages between them, the doc had sent me a few regarding changes needed in nutrition for her active patients who were still  recovering.

I stopped in front of the doors with her… “Wow…” They were huge… like tall enough for two people to walk through with one standing on the shoulders of the other and the entire width of the hall.

“What the hell were they keeping in here that the needed doors this big? They were mining on a meteor, right? They were hardly using heavy machinery…” I was thinking out loud now. I motioned to the keypad… “Do you have the code?” I knew she did…she had all the codes.

•— Raven —•

My lips curled up into a big smile. See… we could do this… we could find our way back to the good medium we had reached in the manor.

“Why do you always want to fight me and batter for everything I’m not willing to give you, Watcher?” Rolling my eyes to pretend like I was  actually thinking about it before offering… “fine. One major screw up and as a gesture of goodwill, I’ll throw in a minor repair if you mess up too?”

Nodding my head. “Yeah, there is still a lot of techs we haven’t had a chance to look at. We were on kind of a time crunch.” And that still has taken me too long to get back down to my friends and the people on Earth. I pushed those thoughts down. They were for my nightmares. Not now.

“You do know me, right? Of course I have the codes.” Waggling my shoulders and eyebrows teasing him. For a moment, we needed to take the laughs where we found them. Or at least it’s what I told myself.

Shrugging my shoulders at his question on, what was on this ship. “The full picture was painted for the curiosity of the council, and sure I’d done some digging when Griffin wasn’t happy to trust the crew who survived. But I didn’t find anything out of the ordinary… well… in the official logs anyway.” However, there was a growing sense of concern growing in the pit of my stomach.

“Why do we always expect the worst from these situations?” I asked before stepping up to the keypad to punch in the master code #Miles has shared with me.

“If anything was off, we wouldn’t have been given a free run to do what we like on this ship, right?”

Continued in part 2... Click here

[oktorpg]

Sugar Rush  - Storyline 09 - Book 3 – Chapter 4 - Together

Did Raven just say John made the right decision???

@ToldUIdSurvive & @LittleBirdRey

#Stargazer & #Watcher #OKTO #The100 #The100RP #RavenReyes #JohnMurphy

•— Raven —•

“No COMMENT!”

•— John —•

"Hey!! You said it and I have proof!"

•— Raven —•

 “I think you are hallucinating.” Nodding my head once.

•— John —•

“I mean…. Kinda sounds like something I’d do… but in this case, I'm certain I'm right.”

•— Raven —•

“Are you? Are you absolutely certain though?”

•— John —•

"Absolutely!! Without a doubt!"

•— Raven —•

“Still feels like you could be wrong.”

•— John —•

“Just give me the win on this one Reyes!”

Flashing the baby blues at her.

•— Raven —•

“Where is the fun in the easy win, Murphy?”

Batting my lashes for the laughs.

•— John —•

Laughing.

“Can't blame a guy for trying.”

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head.

“Sure we can. Want me to start right now?”

•— John —•

Cocks my head to the side and leans against the wall with a shrug.

"I've gotta a little time... Go ahead. Get started."

Smirks, not watching that sexy little wiggle she had going on at all.

•— Raven —•

“Hells, John. You just took all the fun out of it. What’s the point when you want me to do it.”

Huffing with laughter.

•— John —•

I cupped my hand around my ear and leaned in her direction…

“0h… did you here that! That was the sound of a John Murphy victory. Stargazer!”

I laughed along with her.

•— Raven —•

“Whoa there in a moment! How is it a victory for you, Watcher? I’m standing here trying to be nice. And you’re stealing my kindness for a win? Rude!”

•— John —•

“If you were being nice you would have given me the win when I asked for it! But I made you laugh… so now I win anyway.”

Nods matter-of-factly.

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head. “No… if I had handed you such an easy win. You would have doubted it. Because when have I ever let you win without a fight? So… see.. I was being nice.”

•— John —•

“Now you're just flirting, Reyes.”

•— Raven —•

Blinks. “What? Me? No!“

Groans. “Nope. Not even a little.”

•— John —•

“Oops..." Smiles. “My mistake.”

•— Raven —•

“Glad we clarified it.” Noting the smile.

“You can stop smiling because you know….”

•— John —•

“Oh me too.... But my way would be far more enjoyable.”

•— Raven —•

“Because you’re planning on stripping for everyone up here too?”

Thinking back to a night in the mansion when we all had a little too much wine.

•— John —•

“Nah... But if you'd like another private show....”

Waggles my brows.

“Just say the word.”

•— Raven —•

Raising my eyebrow, and elbowing him in the stomach.

“Now who is the one flirting? All talk and no action.”

•— John —•

I nudged her right back with my shoulder. “I told you… if you want another look at the goods… you gotta ask!”

•— Raven —•

Blinking at him. “Excuse me. I never took a look the first time. Eye contact was maintained at all times.”

•— John —•

“Well... That’s a shame!”

Smiles... “But... I can't blame you... I've been told I have great eyes.”

•— Raven —•

Stepping up close making sure to maintain eye contact I soften my voice.

“Uhm.. you know what… wow… you’re so right.”

•— John —•

I made a point of not breaking eye contact.

“Am I?” I leaned in a little closer. “Do you need a closer look to be sure?”

•— Raven —•

Hells, was this backfiring on me?

“Uhmm… it can’t hurt, right?”

Tilting my head up acting like I needed a better look.

•— John —•

My fingers twitched by my sides, wanting… needing to be pressed ever so gently to her cheek… which of course was out of the question.

“They say eyes are the window to the soul… so maybe it could.” My voice was too soft. “Or maybe it’s where we find each other's broken pieces.”

•— Raven —•

Why in hells did what he just said make my cheeks burn? Taking in a slow deep breath, I bite the corner of my lips.

“You need to be careful, we wouldn’t want those windows broken.”

Swallowing, I made myself take a step back to punch his arm hard. “Your arm, however. It’s a game.”

•— John —•

I was pretty sure mine were well and truly shattered. But I chuckled when she punched my arm.

“Are you blushing, Stargazer?”

I smiled... Feeling a little victorious she looked away first.

•— Raven —•

“Me? No…are you?”

I stepped away from him to turn my back and rub my face with the back of my hand.

“I think we are coming back to that hallucinating thing again.”

•— John —•

I chuckled softly, yeah... she was blushing.

"Me?" I mirrored her answer. "Absolutely, yes. But hallucinating? I don't think so... not this time."

•— Raven —•

I turned back to face him with my eyebrows raised.

“Wait a minute. Why are you blushing?” Was that a thing now? John Murphy blushing?

•— John —•

I smiled and gave her a quick wink.

"You started it... So you tell me?"  I teased.

•— Raven —•

“Me?” Placing my hand on my chest in surprise. “What did I start?”

•— John —•

“All of it.” I chuckled

“You brought up how pretty my eyes were... You moved in for a closer look... You blushed first... It's all you Reyes.”

•— Raven —•

“I…” frowning while trying not to laugh. I lower my voice into a slow sound.

“But your eyes are so pretty… like the ocean without the sea monster.” Fighting the curve of my lips.

•— John —•

I laughed at the sea monster comment but never looked away. “See... That's just not fair...” I licked my bottom lip.  “I can't say anything like that about yours because they’re trying to be three colours all at once.”

•— Raven —•

My attention flicked for a breath to his lips before returning to his eyes again. I tilted my head a little because they looked a different shade of blue now.

“Who said anything about being fair?” My cheeks flushed, why the hells would he pay attention to my eyes? Closing them and covering them with one hand.

“I know, You cannot tell me what colour my eyes are.”

•— John —•

I bit the inside of my cheek, there was no way that flicker of her eyes was what I thought it was. No way. I was imagining things.

I laughed softly... If I had an inkling of artistic talent I could paint her eyes from memory. But I couldn't tell her that for the same reason she couldn't have looked at my mouth a second ago.

"Mostly they are brown, they get darker when you're angry or in pain. When you're inspired or emotional they brighten and there are little hints of gold right in the centre and when you're happy... like right now, it looks like there is a ring of amber around the edges that make it look like there's a light been switched on behind them."

I smirked keeping my gaze fixed on her where our eyes would meet when she dropped her hand. "Am I close?"

•— Raven —•

It was my mouth which dropped before my hand fell too, leaving me gazing back into his baby blue eyes now.

“That…” my mind worked to find the words and then I gave up and laughed. “Was a lot of information… things I’m sure you’ve made up just to make yourself sound intelligent. How in the burning hell would I know if my eyes changed colour when I was in pain, or angry? And I didn’t have a mirror to see what colour they were right now too.”

•— John —•

And there they were again, those bright, stunning eyes, a shade more gold now that her mind was racing to figure out if I was right or not.

“Maybe we should ask and independent party...” I quirked a brow. “Should we go find Jasper?” I chuckled. I wasn't about to mention #Shaw. “Or Monty! That would make him so uncomfortable and it would be fun to watch him squirm.”

•— Raven —•

Narrowing my eyes at him, he was doubling down. Or he was telling the truth? Either way, I needed to know.

“The first person we see.” I say walking backwards towards the door. “There has to be someone walking these corridors other than the two of us.”

Waving my hand. “Come on”

•— John —•

I chuckled and followed her. I little concerned about the walking backwards thing... "If you're trying to call my bluff it's not gonna work." I smirked.

When we were in the hall I gripped her shoulders lightly and turned her to face the direction that she was heading. "Because I'm not bluffing."

•— Raven —•

Turning to face the correct direction, I pulled a face at him. “You know there's not much I wouldn’t believe…”

Missing a step I rubbed my hip, correcting myself without an incident. “However, now you are trying to mess with my head.”

Was he calling my bluff, his bluff, our bluff? Are there any bluffs here at all? “Hells. I don’t even remember how we got here, but we are seeing it through.”

•— John —•

I noticed the small stumble and even though something inside me cried out to wrap my arm around her waist and take some of her weight, the rest of me knew that she had this. She was tough and independent and she didn't always need help.

"Trying..." I scoffed. "Please... you're running through the hallway looking for a stranger to ask them what colour your eyes are..." I smiled at her. "I'm not trying... I'm winning.  I have your head totally spinning, Stargazer."

•— Raven —•

Halting my foot steps I spun to face him. “Ahah! You are messing with my head. You just admitted it! John Fucking Murphy… You’re starting a war you know I will not give up on.”

Pointing down the corridor where I could hear foot steps. “And right there… there comes a non-biased individual who I am sure will help us.”

Okay fine, my inner demon who loves to win was awake now.

•— John —•

“It wasn’t my goal...” I snickered. “Just a pleasant side effect of the truth.”

I heard the footsteps... And I knew it was going to be #Shaw, there wasn't a doubt in my mind... When I saw the military uniform my heart sank.

‘Well, well.... Look who finally made up!’ A woman’s voice drew my attention to her face.

“Lizzie!!!” I breathed a sigh of relief. “You have no idea how good it is to run into you.”

‘Aw... I know... But I've told you before sweetie... Your pretty but you’re not my type...’ She winked. ‘Why do you two look like you’re on a mission?’

•— Raven —•

I gave John a push to move out of the way, smiling as I did so. I hopped up to #Lizzie’s side and squeezed her arm.

“Don’t listen to him, I am the one on a true mission.” Not commenting on her evaluation of our walking together as making up. Because we had, right? -- ‘okay…’ she glanced between the two of us.

“I need you to look into my eyes.” Pulling her into me, and pushing my face up close and personal to hers.

‘Raven, back in my day. A girl asked for dinner first.’ She was laughing and looking confused.

“You can have my dry food okay? Now look into my eyes.”

She glanced to John as to say, ‘what’s  going on?’ Before looking at me.,

‘Do you have something in your eyes? Do you need me to help—‘

“No, no.. what colour would you say my eyes are? Do you see them changing? Are they.. well, you tell me!”

•— John —•

I stepped to the side… maybe she had given me a nudge too…. maybe. I chuckled at a #Lizzie as she looked at Raven like she was losing her mind.

‘Um…’ Lizzie looked at me… looking to be saved, I shook my head. I wasn’t going to give her any hints. ‘Okay… you two are weird. I can work with weird.’ She shook her head and leaned in to look at Raven’s. ‘Eh… Hazel… You know, funny fact, people always say Hazel eyes are brown and green but it's actually a polygenic anomaly that means you can have brown, green, amber… all at once.’

“Nerd!” I pretended to cough to cover the word.

#Lizzie punched my arm. Hard! “Ouch!!” I glared at her.

‘Alright, then lover boy… what do you see when you gaze into her eyes…’ she raised a brow and folded her arms over her chest like she had me over a barrel.

I just smiled and said. “Stars…” Pausing for effect… “Dozens of little gold stars.”

Lizzie took Raven's chin and tilted her face up to look again… ‘Whoa…’ She looked fascinated… ‘Yeah… I…’ then she looked at me. ‘Why do all the good ones have a Y chromosome?’ She sighed.

•— Raven —•

What… was going on? How had things gone so head over tits without me even seeing it?

Polygenic anomaly? What was wrong with Hazel? Simple just like me. I have hazel eyes. But the two of these had other plans.

And then I heard it ‘Lover Boy’, wait. John was seeing someone? -- Hells that boy worked fast, he had been acting all put out by the number of souls on the ship, meanwhile he’d been working his magic?

It made me smile a little. He deserves it… right? That was what I felt? Yeah… hundred percent. My friend deserves happiness.

“Wait.. what did you just say?”

Pulling myself out of the thoughts.

‘He said Stars… he sees stars in your eyes.’ Her eyes were still trained on me. Then She pulled back reaching over to pull at one of his cheeks. ‘Yeah… you both are weird. A good kind.’

•— John —•

I chuckled, not answering Raven’s question until I’d smiled at Lizzie. “You've been very helpful Lizzie, thank you.”

She nudged me with her elbow and gave me a go-get-em tiger wink before she walked off waving one hand without looking back. ‘See you later, weirdos!’ she said and I knew it was a compliment.

“See... That one I like.” I smirked at Raven.

“So... I guess that means I'm right, right?”

•— Raven —•

“Wait….” I called out “do they change colour?” The sound of her laughter came, one more wave, and she turned the corner out of sight.

“Hells…” rubbing the side of my head, my hair was up too tight. “Uhm? Oh… do you really? You don’t like anyone!” My eyes remained on the spot were she had disappeared.

“No… She just said…” he had won. #Lizzie had said the same as he did, in a round about way.

“Fine. Fine. You win this one.”

•— John —•

“I mean… don’t tell her I said that…” I shrugged. “It was a tough start but she’s growing on me.” I grinned at Raven again her eyes a shade darker now, but still bright. “And there are a small few I like.” Then I started walking again glancing back to see if she was going to follow.

“So… what’s my prize?”

•— Raven —•

“Guess I didn’t make the cut.” Muttering it to myself with a half smile. We found ourselves on a rocky road, however someday. We would maybe find the way back to what we once had, right?

Crossing my arms over my chest, my eyes followed as he began to go in the same direction as #Lizzie.

“Well, as we didn’t agree to the prize first. You get to ask for it. What do you want?”

I didn’t have much up here to give, but I was certainly sure he would find something he wanted from what we did have.

Rubbing my hip, slowly I started walking after him.

•— John —•

I strained to make out what she said. But if she'd wanted me to hear it she would have made sure I did.  I slowed to a stroll when I saw she was hurting.

"The mind boggles..." I smiled mischievously at her and turned to face. Standing only inches away... My eyes were on hers, again.

They were darker now... and only minutes ago; she'd been happy and joking. It stung something deep inside me. The smile faded to a more serious expression. "I want ten questions, and they all need to be answered fully, unguarded and without holding back." Asking for honesty was unnecessary, that was hardwired into Raven even when it shouldn't be. She was uncompromising when it came to the truth.

•— Raven —•

My body came to an abrupt stop, the tips of my boots stopping shy of hitting him, managing to keep my body from slamming into him too.

My eyes found him looking concerned. The explosion which had been light and bright now much darker.

What was he about to ask for? I wondered. There it was, the John Murphy I’d grown to know. My lips curved a little into a smile.

“This isn’t a prize, John. When have you known me not to be honest, and unguarded? I’m sure you have witnessed me being told to learn to hold back a little.” I shrugged my shoulders as I spoke.

“However, fine… ten questions… up close, true to their core, honest and without holding back.”

This prize I had no issues with this. How bad could these questions be? And what could he possibly want to know, that he didn’t know after our time on the island?

•— John —•

I chuckled a little deviously. “I know it sounds easy but just remember you need to answer completely, to the point of overkill… let’s pick an example… Say I ask you how much pain you are in… you’d not only have to tell me why you’ve been rubbing your hip for the last ten minutes but if you have a headache… stubbed your toe… or if you have a hangnail that’s been bugging you.” I kept my gaze on hers, waiting to see if the depth of my request sank in.

•— Raven —•

The look on his features should be setting off alarm bells, anyone with half a brain cell would turn and run.

“Hang nail?” That had to be a joke, right?

However, if we face facts. This is John Murphy, the Watcher… details were the one thing he didn’t miss. Wait… realisation, dawns on me. He’d been watching me? I hadn’t even thought about rubbing my hip, or about the pain that was a daily occurrence. But he had. 

“Hells…” I whispered….

“How many questions did I agree too?”

•— John —•

I smiled… watching the realisation sink all the way into her always busy mind. It was then that I realised I needed to use these questions in a way that wouldn’t be abusing her trust or taking advantage of her.

“Ten.” I answered her… “And I plan on saving them for when I need them the most.”

•— Raven —•

“Saving them?” Of course, John Murphy found a loophole.

“Wait, that wasn’t the deal. You can’t just save them for when you need or want them!” There were no rules set to say otherwise.

“Hells! You’re going to keep them for years! Aren’t you?”

•— John —•

I laughed and shook my head. “Please! Like I have years ahead of me?” I was highly likely to be floated before we ever made it back to earth...

“But I’d say it will last a few months or so.”

•— Raven —•

I looked over at him in confusion. “Why have you gone and made plans that the rest of us need to worry about?”

Was he joking and pulling my leg now? Or had I missed something else?

•— John —•

“No plans.” I patted her shoulder reassuringly. “But we never know how much time we have, right? No point in letting it slip away...” then I smirked “At least... Not too much.”

•— Raven —•

I elbowed him in the side as he patted my shoulder. “Could you for once, just - I don’t know… make plans for something more than a day or a week away? Give us something to live for, maybe?”

•— John —•

I smiled at her... "Okay... First night back on earth..." I made a strong effort not to say if we get there. "We slip away and find somewhere to sleep where we can see the stars. It won't be the rose garden... but we can remember that night. That's worth living for isn't it?"

•— Raven —•

My heart felt a joy and a stab all at once.

“You remember the rose garden?” Uncertain why, however, I didn’t think it would be the first thing he’d say.

I looked across to him, nodding my head slowly. “It’s a deal. Shame we won’t have any of that wine Becca had hidden away.”

•— John —•

I smiled and chuckled softly. “I’m the one that brought you there remember?” The gold was back, glinting in her eyes but there was still a darkness there.

But I had a way to lift that. “But I wouldn’t be so sure about that last part.” She really should have looked through that bag I had shown her stashed under the bed we kept ready for her if she ever chose to come home.

•— Raven —•

“Of course, I know you were the one to bring me there, I just didn’t think it was something you would remember.”

So much had happened between us, to us. I didn’t think… well… you know… but it was safely locked away in my bank of memories.

The memories which came to an abrupt halt.

“John… Murph!” My eyes light up because something in my soul lights up like the northern star. “You didn’t have time to pack away bottles of wine! Did you?”

•— John —•

"I'll never forget that night Raven..." I laughed, remembering how was snuck through the mansion like misbehaving children playing spy games. We knew that no one would care... I honestly couldn't remember a time before that I had 𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕪𝕖𝕕 like a kid...  at least not after I got sick and caused the deaths of my parents.

"I had four days, Rey... we kept those lights on for you for four nights, or three and a half... but I told you. I searched the house and packed some things I knew you would want to keep. They're under your bed... in the bag, I had your music player in."

•— Raven —•

The smile that had begun to show on my lips disappeared abruptly.

Four days…. Hells…. I had left them there to wait for four days before I could make it back.

My stomach turned at the thought, of how #Jasper, #Luna and he had been when we found them.

“Yeah… I guess.” pushing the sensation of heat stinging behind my eyes.

“The music player was a good catch.” Swallowing back the bile rising in my throat, while trying to sound easy.

•— John —•

I saw the darkness creeping up on her again. "Raven." I planted myself in front of her and put myself directly in her line of sight.

"We've talked about this. You did what you had to, to save all of the people on this ship right now. You have to stop torturing yourself..." Then I smiled. "And you're totally missing the point... I saved a bottle of wine from #Becca's Mansion... and a few things I know will put a smile on your face if you ever want to take a look at it."

•— Raven —•

It was hard to avert my gaze when those baby blue eyes were giving me no place to run.

“I…” swallowing again. “I know we have, but..” I shrugged my shoulders trying to put it into words. “It’s not easy. To let go of it. Not when I saw the three of you.. that way.”

His smile made my hand move but I stopped it. What in hells was I about to do?

Shaking my head. “You were busy gathering all that time?” Part of me wanted to know what he had thought I would want to save.

“Just give them to me as we go. When you think I need it the most.”

•— John —•

"I think you need to talk to #Luna and #Jasper about it too, Rey. None of us would change how it happened. It was the only way to save as many people as you did." My eyes flickered at the way her hand moved... normally I would think she was going to push me away... But this wasn't that kind of conversation.

"In that case..." I smiled. "Come with me."  nodded towards the hallway leading to our room.

•— Raven —•

It was on my list of things to accomplish. I hadn’t expected that he and I would be the first to mend our broken bridges. Yet here we were.

“Yeah I know, I’d planned on it. But I just haven’t managed it so far, with Jasper helping Monty out. Add keeping Luna clear.” My gaze moved to the corridor he now led me towards. “What is this, walked a length of the ship day?”

Yet I turned in the direction he pointedly started down.

•— John —•

“#Luna doesn't do that... But what does do... Is wait. Patiently.” I chuckled. “It's fucking annoying.”

I kept my pace nice and easy. “No, today is give-Raven-a-gift day. So stop complaining and get curious.” I flashed her a cheeky smile.

•— Raven —•

Parting my lips, because that came out wrong. But then I stopped myself. There was no point now.

Shaking my head. “Now… Get me, my gift, Watcher. I’ll even smile when you give it to me.” I joked, making myself smile now.

•— John —•

She was keeping something to herself... but hadn't we moved past all of that? I let it go, just because it was #Luna and I knew that everything there would be fine, As soon as the two were stood in a room together.

"And now look at who is impatient!" I laughed and opened the door to our room (It was Raven's too... even if she wasn't sleeping here).

"But no peeking since I now have permission to pass this stuff out on an as-needed basis." I knelt next to her bed and reached under it, opening the bag without pulling it out.

•— Raven —•

“Is it impatience though? Why can’t it just be excitement, or dread, or irritability, or…” The list was endless, however watching John push the code to open their room door made me stop.

I wasn’t encroaching on the three of their privacy. He’d told me the code... well, more like he had made me guess it. And they had set it to the same digits as mine… 6 5 8 6.

Following behind I came to a stop just inside the doors letting John move freely around their room.

My eyes drifted to the bed he had told me was mine… they had; even after everything made space for me. But I couldn’t… I still couldn’t step back into that place.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to trust them. I did. With my life. But my heart… it had too many knocks to deal with any more just now.

I turned myself to face the door. “See I’m not going to look. Now come on man.”

•— John —•

I had noticed how she lingered by the door, but I wasn't going to tell her again she was as welcome here as Luna, Emori and I were. It would come with time.

I hoped.

"A little dread is always advisable." I chuckled and pulled out one of the books. Then I looked up at her stood there facing the hallway and pulled out the rest of the leather-bound books. some of them were identical but there were a few that were bigger, thicker... a mix of black and brown. All in various stages of wear and tear.

I walked back across the room and closed the door from where I stood behind... close enough to catch the scent that made my mouth go dry, the scent of her.

"Turn around." I said and held out the stack of nine journals.

•— Raven —•

“Of course, you would say that, if you don’t feel some form of dread in the day, had the day even begun?”

Teasing him little heartedly; gave that sensation of how things used to be on the Island. When we’d help one another, and annoy the crap out of each other too. The doors slid closed, and I turned around smiling and then stopped.

I froze in astonishment.

“Those….” I hadn’t moved but my eyes had widened as they moved down and counted nine… “you… how???” How did he know? “John?” My voice cracked I was still frozen in place. John Murphy, at a time when death knocked on his front door, had gathered nine of #Becca’s journals.

These books had become a comfort to me over the time we had been on the island. Reading her words had given me the confidence to fight, to learn and to… well… know that she was exceptional just as I’d imagined her to be.

“John—” my voice was but a whisper. I held my arms out for him to place them on me.

•— John —•

"See!!" I laughed. "You get it!"

I watched her reaction taking in every expression and blink of those incredible eyes... how her mouth moved when she was lost for words... Nope!!! I had to shut that down.

"This was all I could find in the mansion. I'm sorry I didn't think to bring the ones that were in her office in the lab... once we got back to the mansion I just..." I couldn't face going back there without her. I smiled. "I didn't want to be underground and miss your triumphant return," I said instead... but that was also true.

"I know we never quite agreed on #BeccaFranco.... but I know how much she means to you." At some stage after I handed over the books I had wrapped a strand of hair that had come to rest over her shoulder from her signature ponytail around my fingers. I dropped it quickly and stuffed my hands in my pockets before I did something really stupid.

•— Raven —•

I shook my head, repeatedly still in the midst of processing what it was he gave me. The weight of the books in my arm broke me out of the delusion that this could be nothing more than a dream.

“Please… don’t apologise…” finally my words came. “This is the best gift… you could have given me. I thought these were lost to me for good. My mind is… it’s blown.”

With the books in my arms, I attempted to shuffle them to one arm and half-hug John with the other.

“Thank you… thank you so much.”

•— John —•

I laughed a little when I realised she was trying, awkwardly, to hug me... "I'm glad." I put one arm in hers supporting the weight of the books as I returned her one-armed hug.

"You're welcome, Stargazer." I whispered, resting my cheek against her hair for a second. Then I moved back and found her gaze. "I was going to give you one at a time... but that seemed cruel considering how fast you read."

•— Raven —•

His laughter was contagious, soon I found myself in the same state laughing along with him.

When our eyes met I gave him the most genuine smile. This man had given me a gift that would keep me occupied for the entire time we were up here.

“I’m not sure if you would have been able to. You know after you handed over book two, I’d have worked out you have more. And we know I’d have found them.”

I waggled my brows at him, clasping them all now in both hands.

“And it doesn’t matter if I’ve read them all, I will read them again and again.”

•— John —•

I chuckled again... the light in her eyes holding my focus. Okay, maybe that smile pulled my focus every few seconds.

"Damn... If I'd known it was this good of a gift maybe I should have saved it and used it as blackmail somewhere down the line." I smiled, wondering if she knew that there wasn't a single thing in that bag I would ever leverage to her. It was hers anytime she wanted it and it would be here waiting for her if she decided she wasn't going to wait for me to give her whatever was left.

"I have no doubt you'll have them read twice over in a week."

•— Raven —•

Still smiling my eyes narrowed, moving the books onto one arm I punched him in the arm jokingly.

“And you were doing so well until then.” He would, or at least the John on #Becca’s island wouldn’t have done so. And I wanted to believe that he was the one here who stood before me.

“Really, Watcher. Thank you.” Hugging the books to my chest I took a few steps towards the door. “These have made my day. I’m going to get them back to mine before I drop them.”

•— John —•

I shrugged like I was accepting defeat. Should’ve stopped while I was ahead right?” I teased. But her eyes were still bright, so I knew I was still doing this right… for once. Finally.

“Do you need an escort? For all we know there are all kinds of untold secrets in those pages. I don’t mind playing bodyguard.” I grinned, teasing. But the offer to walk her to her door was genuine.

•— Raven —•

“Next time, Watcher you’ll know when to stop.” I now laughed shaking my head.

My hand pushed the button to open the door and it slid open with a little pull on the mechanism. Making a note to come back to fix that for them.

Half turning my head back at his offer. “You are in your room, John. I’m not going to ask you to walk all the walk across to mine. You nee—” Stopping when what he said about being alone came back.

“Where are the girls? Will they be back soon?” I still needed to memorise everyone’s schedules once they were tied in.

•— John —•

"Nah." I quirked a brow. "Where's the fun in that?"

"I don't mind walking with you if you..." I instinctively glanced back into the room. "Oh, They'll be around soon... They haven't been assigned a work detail because of the tensions with the grounders. #Luna spends her time with #Harper, helping out with the kids and #Emori goes on work detail with #Jasper. I don't like the idea of them being on their own when I'm working." I tilted my head then... realising what she meant.

"They don't leave me alone for long. So I'll either be walking you back or... I'll go find one of them."

•— Raven —•

Keeping the smile on my face but my heart kind of hurt. How did I not know any of that? #Emori, fine. We weren’t really so close. However, #Luna?

They had all found their place, and I truly was happy about it.

“Okay.” I said keeping my voice light. “Well, thank you.” Holding the book up. “These will be great company.”

I would have something to do when the night got too dark and sleep-deprived.

•— John —•

I realised she hadn't answered my question... because I hadn't actually asked one.

"As long as you don't forget to sleep." I teased. "So... Stargazer. What's it gonna be? Want me to play the big strong bodyguard? Or just take care of the heavy lifting and you can protect me?" I motioned to her stack of books.

•— Raven —•

This earned John an eye roll. “Sleep is priority number one.” Okay, the sarcasm came out a little stronger than planned.

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?” Handing over half of the books in my arms. “How about we do a little of both jobs? Because let’s be honest—” thinking things through, I knew it was unlikely however…” On second thoughts..” setting all the books in his hands. “You carry them, if needed you can run to my cabin because you’re a few steps faster. And I’ll fight off the army of… unknown warriors..” The tongue and cheek of it all, had me fighting back my laughter.

•— John —•

I laughed and took the books. “Sick of YOU? Is that even possible?” I grinned and stroked her ego (Well.. if she even had one… maybe when it came to her intelligence, but not much else.) I knew that she struggling with sleep… so was I.

I chuckled again and took the rest of the books.

“You want me to abandon you and protect the diaries?” I coughed to cover the word “GEEK!” And patted my chest like it was a real cough.

•— Raven —•

I rolled my eyes at his so-called attempt to hide his contention.

“Really? We are dipping so low now? You’re stroking an ego that is non-existent? Where are the snappy comebacks putting me in my place?”

I elbowed him a little softly at the badly hidden word. “There is nothing wrong in being a Geek I will have you know. This geek for one is damn proud.”

I wasn’t going to use the joke I had on Earth. It would be about the number of times I saved his arse… but now… it left a sour taste in my mouth.

•— John —•

I laughed, really laughed. Again! It was getting easier and easier now... “It was a test.” I teased. “The fact you didn't immediately answer ‘yes of course it is!’ means you failed.”

I knew the prospect of a fail grade even as a joke would bug her. I doubt she ever got less than one hundred on a test.

“You should be proud; smart people are sexy as hell.” I said without stopping to think. I waited to see if the compliment threw her as I followed her to her room.

•— Raven —•

“Hey… Hey… Hey…” following up with my hand in the air. “That’s just going too far now. I have NEVER failed in class and Nor do I plan on it.” The teasing there, kind of. I mean it was true and the thought of failing maybe doing things to my tummy.

Then I heard it, his laughter filled the corridor. The smile on my lips grew after seeing and hearing him. The twinkle in his eyes had returned. It hit like the air on my face the first day I landed on earth.

Snapping myself out of it I laughed with him too. It was contagious to the point when two whispering grounders rushed by, I just waved at them. I earned myself a grimace, and I didn’t care.

“Hells yeah we are, we are as sexy as they come. You should see how we party!”

Tugging at my ponytail and dusting my shoulders off I did a little dance.

•— John —•

There it was! I laughed harder. “It’s so easy to rile you up sometimes.” I teased her, not giving her a break at all. She was laughing with me and It was so clear that we had both needed it, but I didn’t let myself linger on that thought in case the reasons why, became intrusive. I chuckled at the confused grounders. “I guess some people are just determined to be miserable.”

I watched the sexy little wiggle and tried to hide a riot in my stomach by clearing my throat loudly. “So humble.” I continued to tease her. “Is that an invitation, Stargazer? How could I possibly say no?”

•— Raven —•

“Shh…” tugging to pull him along. “They may hear you.”

I continued to laugh because it felt so good. Being with a friend, being able to joke, tease, and know that nothing would come of it but the happy tears rolling down my cheeks right now. Hells, I missed this and him. “An invitation? To what? My sorry one person party with a stack of books?” Shaking my head. “You can do better I am sure. You’ll be making friends with the young grounder girls soon enough to really party hard.”

•— John —•

I laughed and let her pull me down the hallway faster. Her cheeks were damp but applied from her wide smile, those tears didn't cause me any pain.

"Rude!!" I gasped, jokingly. "Threatening a guy with a good time and then backing out when he accepts?" I quirked a brow. "Tease!" I used the arm she tugged me along with to turn her around. Wiping away those happy tears with my free hand, without saying a word about them.

"I have more girls in my life now than I ever had before... And that is more than enough thank you very much."

•— Raven —•

I spun on my feet to face him, my eyes glazed with moisture and laughs still escaping from the joking.

“Fine. Fine. Come. Party. Let’s see how much fun it will be with just the one jar of shine that is meant to last us five years, or until Jasper does his thing.” I was certainly expecting a new batch to show up if that boy got his way.

Smiling as I wiped at my face I gave him an eye roll. “Sure sure. You say that now.” I didn’t push the topic. We all had way too much on our plates. At least I did. Work was all I needed right now.

•— John —•

I laughed and shook my head. “Unless he can use MREs to make it I don't have much hope.”

I said nothing about her comment... Relationships needed trust... Fuck that... One-night stands needed trust, just less of it. But there was no way I was letting anyone else in... And no way I could tell her that there was only one person I could ever trust in that way.

“C’mon.” I started walking towards her room again. “Let's get this precious cargo delivered safely”

•— Raven —•

“Are you saying you don’t have skills? I think our poor Jas would be highly disappointed in your assessment of him.”

Without thinking I started right after him. “Yes, we need to hide the precious cargo. I still cannot believe they are really here.”

The rest of the walk I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Hells I couldn’t understand how I actually remembered to do it.

•— John —•

“Actually…. You know what… tell him!” I laughed. “Might be the motivation he needs.”

The rest of the walk is quiet but… happy. The smile on her face… hell! Every time I tore my eyes from her I found them wondering back.

At her door I almost reached to type in her code… or, 𝕠𝕦𝕣  code... If, in fact, she’d chosen similarly. I stopped myself. Not my room. I leaned casually against the wall by her door and waited for her to do it herself.

•— Raven —•

Not until we turned the corner towards my room did nerves begin to present themselves, but why? I had no explanation at all.

My fingers pressed the digits on the key pad. 6586.. and waited for the doors to smoothly slide open without a sound.

Shifting on my feet, I felt the need to explain myself.

“When I can’t sleep, I’ve been working quietly on fixing things up.” Pointing to the door as I waved him to come on in.

He’d been here before, right? I couldn’t remember. And it wasn’t some aftermath of the code, it was the lack of sleep playing with my head.

I stood to the side, shifting again. I knew I had been given one of the officer's rooms, as much as I’d fought the fact that I didn’t need the space, it somehow now sat full of different piles of equipment.

Some things were fixed waiting to be returned and others waiting in clean areas for work to be done.

“You can place them on the table beside the couch.” I said.

The room was in order and clean, however, it looked like a workspace and not a home like he, #Luna, and #Emori had somehow managed to make theirs feel.

•— John —•

I focused my eyes on the top journal as she punched in the code. I hadn't planned to go in, I knew she needed her own space these days. But when she waved me in I couldn't resist the temptation to see the space she was living in.

"Whoa..." I looked around at all the things... Literally all the things... "Are you sure these parts shouldn't be in the ship... you know... keeping us alive?" It was obviously a rhetorical question. She would never remove something vital from the ship.

I set the books on the small table she told me to and turned in a slow circle.

Everything in the room was neat and even the machine parts were clean. "Have you slept at all since we've been on board?"

•— Raven —•

Pulling the zipper to my jumpsuit down to my waist, I slid my arms out and tied them around me to keep them up. Pushing the vest I had on down at the same time.

I didn’t mean to watch him, however my eyes kept returning as he took in my room and his surroundings. Pulling my hair down out of the ponytail. I let it all drop freely, the instant relief had been heavenly.

“Have you?” The question came out before I could stop myself. Maybe a little defensive. “I have had some. When I can.” I answered.

•— John —•

I looked back at her just in time to see her hair falling free from her usual ponytail... hell!

I cleared my throat. "Um... yeah, I mean... I try but I never know how long I'll sleep before..." I rubbed my chin, she knew... she'd seen it.

"How often does when I can come around? Once a day? twice a week?" One of the first things I learned about Raven was; that you have to ask the right questions.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my neck, and rubbing the back of it. Now he had me in a tight spot. But we said… we promised.. no more lying.

“I’m not even sure any more.” The nightmares were intense when they came again. And they always came.

“I’ll get some tonight.” It wasn’t a lie, it was a  hope really. I didn’t want #Abby to find out. Because she would medically make it happen.

Shifting on my feet, my eyes were back on him. “You know it’s hard. And being up here. I hoped it would…” I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

•— John —•

It didn't exactly answer my question… but I got it. I had seen her nightmares, they were as volatile as mine. I had witnessed her injuring herself more than once.

I swallowed hard and looked around the room which all of a sudden looked like a potential death trap. If she woke up in one of the states I had seen in the past there were a lot of things in this room that could cause harm.

I set that aside for a moment. "I thought being up here would be like the Ark... but it's not. Everyone is mostly treated equally, the food is better... I mean not as good as my cooking but those MREs are way better than the rock-hard biscuits we got. There's enough drinking water... But it's taking some getting used to. We'll get there." At least I hoped we would. I didn't want to go into those ice coffins. That wasn't today's problem.

"I can sit with you, you know... if you want. So you can sleep. Anytime..." I took a few steps towards her.

•— Raven —•

Taking a step around my fingers played with a part, moving it from one place to another, and then back again.

Eyes moved sporadically to see what his had fallen on, noting how he took my room in.

“It’s nothing like the Ark. and if it were… we’ve failed.” My voice was low feeling myself tensing at the reminder of life before Earth. Then I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Those packs do not hold a flame up to the food you were cooking.” Clicking my fingers, I rubbed my forehead attempting to recall. “The soul thing… with the roots brought in. That… that…” My mouth began to water at the memory. It made me laugh once again. “It was the night I caught you dancing.”

And I remember how worry-free and happy he seemed. “You don’t have to chaperone me, John.” And as I said it. I wanted to hug him and accept the offer.

•— John —•

I laughed trying not to focus on the dangers in this room.

"You mean the night you were fortunate enough to walk in at the exact right moment?” I quirked a brow and grinned. "And you are welcome for the show by the way.”

I did like to listen to music when I cooked. It was probably what I missed the most about the island, I didn't have as much access to music up here.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes. "It’s not charity, Raven. I know that you would do the same for me."

We had both played the role of protector for the other while we slept. I didn't see any reason we couldn't still do that; now that we had fixed the rift between us.

•— Raven —•

Hearing the sound of his Laughter made me join in too. “Oh. Fortunate? Is this what we are calling dinner with an added floor show?”

Something clicked in place, and I slowly moved to the far side of the room and my bed. Opening the drawers to take the player he had once given me.

“Here, you’ll get more joy out of this. I’ve worked on the electrics on it, so you can now charge it in the power ports up here.”

Returning to his side, I held it out. I bit my lips as I nodded my head. “Napping partners again? As long as we share the shifts, okay?”

•— John —•

“Oh yeah! I'm multi-talented I can dance, I can cook…. I can…” I tried to think of a third thing. “Speak trig!” I laughed.

I smiled and closed her hand back up. “#Jasper is on it. #Monty is, inhis spare time, too. A lot of the officers had music collections… Jasper is copying it all to the central…. Thingies… And Monty making it so it's accessible to the whole ship.” I had no idea what they were talking about. But I knew the were making it so we had music.

“Besides this one was from Becca’s house. It means more to you. And I know it helps you sleep.”

•— Raven —•

I blinked a few times at him as he told me what the rest of the guys were working on. I closed my hands around the player and brought it to my chest.

Shaking my head slowly the words were out before it registered. “I’ve really messed up with everyone haven’t I? I used to know everything. What was happening, what was needed? Now…” rubbing my forehead. “Without the code… it’s all…” I didn’t know what.

Shaking my head again, I laughed it off. “If you’re sure. Then fine.” Turning to head back to where I took it out from, I returned it. “The offer is there. And now you know where it lives.” Patting the top of the drawers.

•— John —•

"No Raven... I don't think that’s it..." I smiled. "I think they're hoping to surprise you with it. They don't know I brought that bag up for you..." I pressed my lips together.

"Everything I put into that bag was something I knew would mean something to you. I want you to have each  and every item in it..." I smiled at the idea of passing them out to her one -by-one.

"I know you don't measure things in material value... but every single thing I put in there was to show you that I see you... and I care... I know I hurt you before you left. I know it's all so much harder. And I know stuff won't make up for it. But I chose every single thing to show you I knew what mattered to you... And gathering them all up while you were gone and keeping them near, made me feel like you were closer."

The words just kept coming and I knew I was skirting a dangerous line. But, I thought I saw a flash of hurt when I refused her gift, but music could never give more comfort than knowing that she had music in her life gave me.

•— Raven —•

In all those words, there were so many things to unpack that I wasn’t even aware of where to begin.

Slowly walking back to where John stood, I motioned towards the couch before sitting down myself.

“Why would you care enough to gather all those things?” The first of my thoughts. “And how did you even know where to start the search?” The next.

I slowly began to unbuckle my brace, the discomfort had reached its peak for me.

“I don’t understand why you would do all that, want to feel close to me…. And I know we’ve moved on now, but then. Then I was someone who hadn’t listened to you. You begged me to bring you up here with us. and I didn’t. And you still kept the faith that I would be back?”

My fingers worked the buckles one at a time until it slipped off from around my leg, allowing me to set it down.

•— John —•

I headed to the couch and stopped before I sat down and crouched next to the couch when she started unbuckling it. I started at her ankle, we could make it half the work if we met somewhere in the middle. And it had become a kind of ritual between the two of us, her showing trust... me showing her I cared. "Because I care about you... And that mansion was the only place I ever saw you happy. Even though you were in pain... I just want you to have... something... Of Becca's because I knew you looked up to her." I shrugged and looked up into curious hazel eyes.

"I just looked in the places you spent the most time. And I understood why you couldn't bring me... At first, I was going to pick one thing. I didn't think I could bring the journals, I wasn't sure they could be decontaminated. But #Jasper gave me the radiation-proof bag… and I just... kept going. I never lost faith that you would come if it was possible. After, but there were moments... dark moments... where I thought you were stranded. You had fuel for a one-way trip. I thought you were dead or dying and I..." I shook away the burning in my eyes, she was here, she was alive. I took a shaky breath... "So I just kept searching because I couldn't sit still and let those thoughts take over."

•— Raven —•

Slowly we were falling back into the normality of being friends. I watched him work the buckles I couldn’t easily reach.

His blue eyes were misty making me push forward sitting on the edge of the couch.

“You were so close to dying now there, and you were worried about me?” How was this the same boy who once told me he only thought of himself and no one else?

“I told you and Luna I would be back. I wasn’t going to break the promise.”

My eyes remained on him.

“Thank you... I never thought I would see those books again. I’m speechless. Really.”

•— John —•

“Were in the same position as everyone else, Stargazer, only we had suits. I knew nothing would stop you from finding a way back… unless you were...” I let out a shaky breath. I wouldn't let that feeling back in. I took her hand and squeezed.

She was here, alive... Warm and so fucking soft. Without thinking I turned her hand over, her palms and fingers were calloused from her work but the back of her hand? That was soft, I smiled at the contrast.

“But those moments… when I... When I thought you hadn't survived… I was terrified. I hadn't lost anyone I…” I stopped, swallowing.  “Since my dad… so I'd find something else… add it to the bag…” I chuckled. “Then you had to come back… right? Because it was rude not to accept a gift?” I dragged my hand through my hair.

“It sounds ridiculous… but it's what got me through it all. You don't need to thank me, Raven. I'm just really happy I can give you a little part of home… to help to start building our new one here.”

•— Raven —•

Of course, he was correct, everyone on that planet had the same problems. They were in a better place. So, did this feeling in my chest that kept me from sleeping most nights, mean that I had been selfish? Then in all reality, I hadn’t thought of the good of the planet and all they people. I thought of my own first. Hells. Maybe I was no different to Clark. And I had been all righteous about how she handled situations like this?

“I’m such a hypocrite.” Saying it when I meant to only think it.

I watched him closely, my hands in his, and he really was enthralled. Before I could say anything, John continued and so did I.

“There’s nothing ridiculous about the situation. We all find ways to help us believe. You found yours. And I of all people am the one who benefits from it.”

Squeezing his hand back.

•— John —•

“I'm not one hundred percent sure what you meant by that so I won't tell you that's not true…” I smile are her, not sure what had gone through her mind to cause her hypocrite remark. “But I will say this… we’re all hypocrites sometimes, and there's so much worse we could be.” My thumb brushed the back of her hand again without me really having decided to do so. “If it’s true... And I don't think it is… it's an easily forgivable offence...” I kept talking to stop her from spiralling into what that dark place was. Probably to distract her from the fact I was still memorizing every bump and line on her hand.

“Looking back… knowing you survived... Being here now. I'm glad you left without me. Because now, I know what it feels like when someone comes back for me…” a new kind of tear threatened to fall now and I laughed. “You still came back. That…” I shook my head… “Means more than you'll ever know.”

•— Raven —•

I just shook my head, closing my eyes and pressing the palm of my free hand into my forehead. I couldn’t ask others to make better choices if my own had been tainted by selfishness.

Had I done any of this for the greater good? Or had it all been for me and mine?

Hells! Just as I begin to dive into all my decisions his statement brings me back.

“What? John. Of course, I was going to come back. It doesn’t matter how upset I am. I’m not going to take that out by leaving you to die.” A deepest frown fixes itself in place.

“It is a part of this thing we call friendship. No matter what. We stand up and by one another.”

He still held my hand. I could feel his fingers caressing gently.

•— John —•

“I know.” I said too quickly. “I mean… even then, I knew you would never do that… it’s one of the things that makes you so special.” I reached out to grab the top journal, and set her hand on her lap like it was a delicate thing… It wasn’t, of course, she was tough as nails.

But to me… she was too precious to be treated otherwise. “Most people wouldn’t risk that for people they loved. Lie back.” I handed her the book and scooted away from her on the couch. “And you… you would come back even for the person who betrayed you. It’s just who you are.”

I lifted her legs onto the couch, and sat them on my lap, pulling off her boots.

“But even though I knew death was the only thing that would keep you from returning… it’s different… you know.” I started at her ankle, working my thumbs into the soft tissue where her brace buckled. “When I saw that ship… that feeling…” I couldn’t look at her, in case the true depth of those feelings showed through. “It was… I honestly couldn’t describe it. But it's not the same as knowing. If that makes any sense.” I laughed at myself and moved up her calf in light sweeping motions, easing through the tightness in the muscle first… before getting to the part I knew hurt a little now… and helped a lot later.

•— Raven —•

“Love…” I said, “people they love…” There were no past tenses here.

It occurred to me why I hurt so much when I saw Luna and John at that dock. Why it hurt me each time I thought I’m forgiven them, and then. When I saw a flash back, that hurt grew deeper.

The protest began to slip, however he was speaking. Letting me in, seeing the other side of my failure as it happened.

So, I lay back pulling my hair to the side. Not taking my eyes off his face as he did something that wouldn’t have made me think twice about on the island. Whenever we sat at the end of the day, he always knew somehow where my discomforts were, and tried to help by rubbing them.

Relief curled it’s way through me, I felt my shoulder, back, hip, leg and foot shift and relax. All the while stopping myself from tearing up as I heard him.

“You had a lot of faith in me.” I closed my eyes before opening them.

“I didn’t even know if it was going to work. Or if I was bringing the guys up here with me for us all to die. Some part of me… I didn’t know it at the time… but.. some part of me thought maybe you were safer here.” It had been the first time I let those thoughts come out in words.

“Hells!” Wincing at the stab of pain, my fist flew up to my mouth so I could bite down on it.

•— John —•

I smiled but  I wasn't sure I was in the category of the people that she still loved... I was back in the dysfunctional family category... she'd made that clear. That meant I could probably get back into the love bracket soon...

Whatever that entailed... whatever way she might love me at some stage... I would take it. I would cherish it. And I would keep loving her.

"Having faith in you was the easy part... The hard part was trying to stop the thoughts that you were..." I swallowed. "Dead... from taking over." I thought about her idea that we were safer on earth. It made sense... in a way that made no sense at all the radiation was going to get us either way. But...

"Sorry..." I winched at her outcry. I rubbed that same spot again with a firm flat palm soothing before I pressed my thumbs against her calf again and dragged them up the stiff muscle. "I'm sorry... but it helps." I followed each deep stroke with a softer one. Telling myself each one would be closer to a little relief. I distracted her by talking.

"It makes sense... I mean... I always thought that you were safer in the mansion than in the labs. You worked less, you never had a seizure... you rested a little more. But the code went everywhere you did. There was no logical reason for me to feel like you were safer there. But I did, and I felt better when you were there. So can I understand why you would believe that."

•— Raven —•

I knew it was all helping in the end. I had to work through the discomfort before I would be there. However, with John’s help, I knew it wouldn’t take long.

“You’ve said that a few times now.” I knew what he was doing, and I wouldn’t foil his plan. “You thought I would die. Up here. Without seeing you all.” Closing my eyes as once again his thumb rubbed a tight knot.

“I guess we’ve all had our moments with fear. The mansion was the one place…” I pushed the thought of the grounder who had made it to the island out of my mind.

“It was the one place where we could rest our heads and know the next day we would wake.”

I knew there was something drastically incorrect with our thinking. However, it helped us to do what was needed.

“I wanted to come up here to die.. it had been my plan... but not with the guys with me.”

•— John —•

"I was terrified of it... It was like one of my nightmares... only it was real." I said quietly. My hands moved to her knee, I was gentle here... the deep pressure only worked on muscles, and on her knee, it would only cause pain and bruising.

I swallowed hard at her words. "I know... I remember finding you building that suit." I repressed the shudder that ran through me. "I hated it... but I know how much pain you were in. Not that you aren't now..." I moved my hands to her thigh, pressing the heal of my hands into muscle, firm but not as hard as her lower leg. "I understood... but still couldn't just... maybe it was selfish. I want you to stay and keep fighting it. But it was how I felt... how I feel... even though I understood."

I kept rubbing, slowly... "You don't have to tell me... But do you still feel like that?"

•— Raven —•

Opening my eyes, I glanced down towards him. Watching as he continued to help me. He didn’t need to do it. But I didn’t need to tell him that. He knew.

My hands moved to rest over my face. Covering the look of uncomfortable pain while he did his thing. I moved them away once he’d moved on. The placement of his hands on my thighs made me still and then I shook it off.

“It wasn’t… I… it…” the words all sounded mixed up. “It was difficult John.” My lip trembled at how I had lost my way.

Tapping my forehead as I spoke. “My mind was giving out on me. I couldn't see any other way out. I didn’t want to become unresponsive, to steal resources, or to become a burden out of some lost sense of purpose or responsibility. I never had the choice of our life when it began. However, I wanted to go out on my own terms.” I needed him to understand I hadn’t made those choices without thinking them through.

“But, no. No, I haven’t.”  And now I moved my hands out of the way. “Do you feel like you need that out?” I asked quietly.

•— John —•

Kept my hand busy, and when I felt the last of the knots in her muscles uncoil I let my hand rest flat against her leg. I attempted to rub away the pain I caused but I knew it would only do so much, the temporary relief would only come with time. And rest if she was so inclined.

“I know… I can’t begin to think what it was like for you.” I gave a dark laugh. “I know this might not exactly paint me in the best light… but I wouldn’t have let you live like… that…” I shuddered. “Kept alive by machines. I would have… done… something.” The others might have killed me for it, but it was crystal clear to me now that I would have had nothing to live for if I lost her.

If I couldn’t survive an hour in a cell without a panic attack; there was no way I could endure a loss like that. My heart would just… stop.

“No… not anymore. I decided on that beach… I can’t control when or how I go… but I can control… that it won’t be me. I won’t be the one…  It’s not the same as the situation you were in… your control was taken from you.”

•— Raven —•

Slowly I pushed up with the strength in my arms. Moving and guiding my legs so that I could sit up next to him.

The vivid memories of the beach came rushing through. And I knew it had been a moment in his life I should not have witnessed. But I couldn’t find it in myself to walk away at that time too.

“I was there… when you threw the gun into the ocean.” I said in a low tone. “I saw how much you were hurting, how that place broke you. And I still...”

Working my fingers I closed my burning eyes. “… I didn’t mean to leave you in the cell.” I had to say it again. “I didn’t see the bigger picture… I let my anger and fear of losing you… losing my friend cloud my judgment…. I thought—“ shaking my head. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Wiping my face I opened my eyes. “And now you tell me, you would have placed your own life in danger to give me what I wanted.” Half turning my head to catch sight of him.

“If I didn’t feel like a crap friend before…. By the Hells, I do now.” Leaning over I placed my head on his shoulder, resting it there.

•— John —•

I couldn't decide how I felt about her witnessing that moment... It wasn't like I had been subtle about storming down the beach to the shore. But she'd never mentioned it before now. I had assumed she had seen it at the time... but after a while I guess I thought she'd walked away and waited for me to finish my dramatics... it seemed to be a pattern with me.

So much for being invisible.

I shook my head... "You never planned on leaving me there Rey, I know that. You just weren't going to be the one to unlock that door... I get it. I let you down again. No one could have predicted... that."

I laughed now.

"Wait... I just told you was I planning to kill you? How the hell are you the bad friend in that scenario?" Okay so that was an exaggeration... the plan was to turn off her machines if they were the only things keeping her alive.

But it sounded better my way.

•— Raven —•

Lifting my head off his shoulder I shook it from side to side. This boy… he wouldn’t let me feel anything bad about my actions towards him.

“Because you just told me, you wouldn’t think of yourself, how you would have to live with the consequences of doing something you knew were my wishes, John. Do you understand how that would give me peace? To know if I wasn’t capable of making my own decision, I know you would have my back?

All my fears of how I didn’t want to live. You just told me. You would see me to my end.”

And he would live with the consequences of it for the rest of his life, however long or short it was.

•— John —•

I reached my arm around her, not wanting her to move away. Making it like one of those one-armed hugs we shared so often now. These little deceptions were forgivable, right?

She was thinking of the consequences of the action if it was one l ever needed to take. But the only consequence I would care about was how to continue in a world where l had eliminated any possibility of ever getting Raven back. I doubted my heart would remember how to beat in a world that didn't have Raven Reyes in it.

"Seeing you in Arkadia... When A.L.I.E. had control; I knew, I couldn't leave you like that. But I knew you'd been looking for a way to fry the chip. I knew there was a chance. l just needed the get you to someone smart enough to understand what you were trying... But that wouldn't have been the case if..."

I shook my head. "But that's not going to happen."

•— Raven —•

Moving back into his side, I placed my head back on His shoulder. It had been a few days since I sat for long enough to feel my body, adding to the fact he had helped my muscles. I, for the first time in days felt, myself… ish.

“I know it wasn’t easy… being my friend… it’s not easy on anyone.” Easily joking, however, it seems to be a fact too. “So, I appreciate you. And the fact that you still try.”

Turning my head, I placed a kiss on his shoulder. “Okay.” Slapping my things a little and straightening myself up. “You do want your mind blown?” We needed to change the topic of discussion unless we began down a path which would have his mind thinking of all the darkness.

•— John —•

“It’s the only reason being your friend was ever hard for me was because I didn’t know how I’d cope if you…” I stopped. “When you died… because back then… we we all certain you had weeks at best. The hardest part was stopping you from killing yourself faster.” I shook my head. It was a miracle she was here at all. As she leaned in I couldn’t stop an intrusive thought crashing into my mind. Would there ever be a time I could press a kiss to the top of her head? Keep a hold of her like this for longer than a moment. But before I could even squash that train of thought in my head she had pressed her lips to my shoulder. My heart raced and heat flashed down my arm. My fingers coiled but she had lowered her jumpsuit and tied it around her waist; so my fingers brushed the bare skin of a bicep that still held onto some of the muscle she’d gained when I was responsible for feeding her… all of them. (By choice… because it made me feel… good enough.)

My mouth dropped when she jumped up. Was it possible that she was totally unaware that this was likely a gesture of kindness, maybe a thank you for easing a tiny amount of her suffering had blown my mind beyond any comprehension. Maybe that small kiss against her hair wouldn’t be so far-fetched after all? That was a dangerous path.

“Nah…” I teased and sat back. Feigning disinterest. I laughed and stood up too. “C’mon then you made me curious now.”

•— Raven —•

I didn’t say anything more about why and how we found ourselves here. How things between us just felt right. Would it mean I would get on his last nerve? Yes. Would this mean he would get on mine? Hells Yes.

I squeezed his knee, letting him know he had been heard. And then I stretched over the edge of the couch towards the small locker beside it flicking the lid open and taking out a small silver package.

“Okay. So, when we came up here, Lizzie and Miles gave us all these packets. Kicking it on the table to break it. Tearing the top off where  I had been shown too.

“They said they loved these on their long mining voyages, and… well… I’ve not gotten around to opening it.”

The truth was, I really had wanted him to try it. He was the guy who loved to cook and taste things.

Pulling the inner clear packet out of the bag which says. ‘Freeze-dried ice cream block.’ I held it in my hands.

“It is hard so you can’t bite a chunk off. It’s why you break it. They say it’s sweet, and meant to be as good as the chocolate?”

•— John —•

Still trying to calm my idiotic heart, I repressed the urge to flinch at Soldier Boy's name. My gaze followed her, and my gaze narrowed on the S... That was no way… “Is that…. No... It couldn't be. “Is that… ice cream…. like… from milk?”

Even on Earth, the largest animal I ever saw was a horse… but I only ever saw goats and sheep being farmed. On the ark, we always thought cows were extinct. But once we landed we quickly learned that we were wrong about a lot of things.

“Are you kidding me!?” I laughed and sat on the edge of the couch. All of what's-his-name forgotten. I couldn't help the excitement, food… good food… had become a thing of joy for me. Both because I wasn't hungry anymore and because… I was good at it.

“You had this since you came up here and you haven't even tried it yet?”

•— Raven —•

He knew what it was, of course he did. My lips curved up in a big smile, by the reaction; this made John happy. Food did that for him. And I loved that I had a reason to make him this joyful right now.

Shrugging my shoulders. “They say there is a right time for everything.” Pushing it towards him. “And now is that time.” I had another one I would save for #Luna. “They have more, however with everything going on, I guess sweet things haven’t been on the forecast in the meal plans.

I can see someone taking those and maybe doing something for the kids up here? Maybe something for Harper and Luna’s classes even?

•— John —•

She didn't say it... But she waited for me?  This had hope blooming in my chest... not that selfish kind that I had felt too often lately... just... gratitude that this woman would allow me back into her life after everything I had done.

I picked up a fragment of the broken block, starting with the brown colour. "Chocolate?" I asked her. It didn't feel anything like the sticky paste I found in jars in the mansion. It smelled different too... but I could smell the sweetness.

"C'mon on then, Stargazer." I smiled at her. She looked the happiest I had seen her in a long time. "You've waited this long, it's only fair you get the first taste."

I didn't let the mention of the fact they had more, linger in my thoughts. I had thought all the food on the ship had been handed in for inventory and rationing... but I didn't think this stuff had much nutritional value.

•— Raven —•

Turning the silver foil package around in my hand, I spoke while reading.

“Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavoured.” Curiously, glancing at the block again.

“Strawberry? I know I’m a geek, but I don’t remember what that was.” If it didn’t have anything to do with mechanics, I let the information slide into the dark realms of my mind.

“Okay. We are really going to do this? Eat something that’s been around longer than us?” It wasn’t really a question. We’d done it so many times by now. However, it was good to check, right?

Picking up a square of the brown part too, I clinked mine to his.

“If I die, let it be known it was worth it.”

There was a powder residue on the square as I took a bite into the hard, crunchy block. It was something new, I’d not had this sensation in my mouth before. Chewing on it.

•— John —•

"Strawberry... I imagine that will be sweet. Most of the berries I ate on Earth were sweet... other than ones that made me sick. Or mu..." I stopped I had a feeling she'd get what I meant from context.

I chuckled at the hesitation in her words. "You know the wine and chocolate in Becca's Mansion was from before the Cataclysm too, right?"

I narrowed my eyes at her... Playful and a little serious. "No more death jokes today."

I followed her lead and bit the shard of the powdery brick. I couldn’t reconcile the flavour with the thick creamy chocolate I knew. The chunk crumbled a little more with each chew. "It's definitely sweet, but not as chocolatey as I thought. What do you think?"

•— Raven —•

Making a face, because I remembered some of the kids in the camp had gotten unwell due to poisonous berries. But at least we knew this was safe to eat. I’d seen #Miles eating it like it was the best thing he had.

“Okay, no more death jokes.” Holding my hand up to cover my mouth chewing on the crumbling block turning into a chewy consistency.

Rolling my eyes, I mean everything in the mansion was as old. However, I tried not to over think those things. Not when we all had full bowls and stomachs.

“Uhm, it’s sweet. And I can pick up on the chocolate it’s there in the back. But it’s nothing like the chocolate jars. You’re right.”

Pointing to the pink block. “You should try that one next.”

•— John —•

I sniffed a piece of the pink. It was strange to have so many different scents coming out of the same package. "How come the rations we had on the Ark were odourless? When you can smell your food it just enhances everything.”

I took a bite this one was sweeter and had much more depth of flavour. There was a pleasant tartness over a smooth powdery bass.

"This one is good." I said enthusiastically. I chewed as the crumbly block became soft and creamy. "Mhm!” I nodded approvingly. "I think we have a winner here.”

•— Raven —•

Tilting my head, I was smiling without knowing it. Witnessing this boy in his element had always made me stop and take it in.

“Oh... really?” Once my mouth was empty I picked up a pink block, following his lead by bringing it up to my nose. Sneezing when the powder was inhaled.

“Oh… that’s” sneezing again to the side, covering up with my elbow. Wiggling my nose to stop the tickle inside.

“Let’s try again.” This time I bite into it crushing it gently with a burst of flavour I’ve never tried before. “Oh… wow… it’s… good.” Nodding my head.

•— John —•

I laughed when she sneezed and froze a little - in wonder - when she wiggled her nose. It made me want to reach out and trail my finger down the bridge of her nose… it was… adorable. Hell! What was happening to me?

I didn’t, of course, at least I had that much self-control. “Told you!” I chuckled. Shaking out of my reverie.

I picked up a triangular chip of the white part. I wasn’t excited about this one… it was the colour of the nutrient-pack sludge we had on the Ark only this was hard and left powder on your finger instead of being oily and semi-liquid.

I popped it into my mouth and waited for it to start to soften, at first it tasted mostly like sugar… but then… “Whoa.” I mumbled with food in my mouth. It was a mix of sweet and spice without the heat. And a hint of some of the edible flowers #Emori had shown me.

This was… I swallowed what was left. “Wow!!! I take it all back. New winner.”

•— Raven —•

Watching with intent to steal the triangle piece in his hands, only because it would be funny. I stopped myself and let him take the first taste of it.

I waited with bated breath to see what he would think of the final flavour in the packet.

My lips were smiling once again seeing him this way, it was indeed heart warming.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You don’t need to sound this shocked.” Sitting back I rubbed on my thighs still watching him eat it.

“You know what. I feel like I could run the width of this ship ten times over right now.” Eyeing up what was left of the block. We’d only had half of it, so I leaned forward to take the pale-coloured one. This time; not smelling it. (I’d learnt my lesson there.) biting of the small square block. It was difficult to taste at first the strawberry lingered and then it hit me. “Oh….” My eyebrows lifted in pleasure.

•— John —•

I was so excited by the prospect of new flavours that I almost missed the way she eyed the piece in my hand. Almost.

"See... that's what spending time with me does. I'm energising!" I chuckled... now that I thought about it there really was a frantic kind of energy alongside my fatigue.

Her expression changed and I forgot that fact for a second while I grabbed an imperfect cube of the white. "This one was called what again? Vanilla?? I bit into the cube... "It's... so... I mean... it's exotic... it's complex... It just... so fucking good!" The frantic energy was building.

"Damn... that run actually sounds really good right now... Pity there's no fair competition around!" I smirked at her deviously.

•— Raven —•

“Yeah…. Exotic… it’s… it’s…. Fantastical…. You know. This vanilla… it must have been sought after. Do you think people began wars over it?”

My feet and hands needed shaking out, and I bounced in the spot where I sat. Laughing and then I understood what he had actually said. “The hells! Are you saying I couldn’t beat you in a race?”

True facts. I couldn’t. But still. It was the principle of the matter.

“I could beat you, you don’t know how a race could end John Murphy.” I knew he would win and I would kick myself for dreaming. This time I took what was left in his fingers and popped it into my mouth. Crunching it and letting the flavours take me over with a burst of energy I couldn’t explain.

•— John —•

"Van-Nill-Aah...." I tasted the word... "It even sounds.... fancy... I bet the rich used to gatekeep this shit! Post-cataclysm people started wars over everything... if they didn't fight over this, they were stupid." I laughed a slightly disjointed laugh.

"Of course..." I rolled my eyes. "That's exactly what I meant." Then without missing a beat. "You know what we need! We need music. I know you've found a way to play it without the earbuds!"

•— Raven —•

“Remind to check the data banks for it. We can find out if anything out there can tell us something more about where this flavour comes from. Or we could ask Miles?”

Nodding my head, point back to the bedside locker and then the the table on the far side of the room.

“Could you get it and then connect it to the speakers there? The wires are attached there.” I wasn’t in the mood to put the brace back on just yet.

•— John —•

I chuckled. “Nerd!” but honestly it was kinda… sexy and admirable. The way she always wanted to know the facts.

“You are a genius, Stargazer.” I jumped up and retrieved the player from the drawer she’d put it in earlier. “I could just kiss you!” I connected it to the speaker… she had made it idiot-proof. Which was good because…. Tek wasn't my strong suit.

My inhibitions waned similarly to when I drank wine on Earth. Did this stuff have alcohol in it?  “I'm sure sold— #Shaw has more important things to do.”

“Any requests?” I asked sensing that she was happy without her brace.

•— Raven —•

“They broke the mould after I was created, Watcher.” Smirking at him with a waggle of my brows. “Kiss me? More like you’d kiss me to distract me from you stealing the rest of this.”

Sitting forward I took a cracked cube of the brown one again. We had to give it another go, we’d loved the chocolate jars back at ho—

I stilled when the thought abruptly stopped… “Home…” I said it underneath my breath. “Home…” my throat swelled shaking my head.

“No.. just whatever you fancy.” Answering his question while I lived the feelings of being on the island.

•— John —•

I nodded in agreement. "They did indeed, you are one of a kind."

I selected the song and returned to her. "Hey, after the amount of times I fed you, you better save me some of that!" I sat next to her, careful not to jerk the couch cushions. Then I smirked. "And I will kiss you anytime you want Reyes... you just have to ask." I teased, it was never going to happen.

I reached across her and snagged a piece of the chocolate and vanilla, my curiosity about the combined flavours was high after everything I taught myself in the mansion.

•— Raven —•

Arching my brow. “That… wasn’t the reply I expected. Sarcasm…. Telling me the mould was broken because I’m a pain… or anything along those lines….” I sat back with a bit of the pink ice cream in my fingers. “Where is John Murphy? And who are you?”

My attention went to the song. “I love this one.” I told him rubbing my thigh and chewing on the next piece.

“Sure, until I tell you to kiss my arse. Then you’d never do it.” Elbowing him wondering what he was doing with the two flavours now. “I am saving you some, I saved the whole thing!”

•— John —•

I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. "Don't worry, Stargazer. The John Murphy you know and tolerate will be back as soon as the goodies run out." I smirked, quite proud of the turn of phrase.

The combination of the chocolate and vanilla wasn't anything special. "Pre-cataclysm Musicians weren't half bad at all." I agreed. I did love this song... sometimes music said things you didn't know how to say.

"Wow, the overachiever is showing all of her dirty little secrets tonight..." I shrugged. "It's not really my thing... but they say don't knock till you've tried it. So..." I flashed her an evil grin and tapped the side of her thigh lightly and continued. "Turn over and drop your pants." I laughed, I knew how to call a bluff.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes at him I shook my head. “No…. I think I like John Murphy as he comes. You can never tell which one you will see.”

My head moved side to side with the music and I sang badly along for a few words. And then my eyes flew to him.

“Don’t even joke. I will make you kiss my arse!” Pushing my thumb into the tired arms of the jumpsuit around my waist, I pushed it down just a smidgen. Laughing.

“Well? How is the combination working out? Try or pass?”

•— John —•

"Always threatening me with a good time." I chuckled. "And never delivering.” She was almost dancing, relaxing and taking a break.

Why did that flash of skin at the hemline of her shirt, above the knot she'd tied in her jumpsuit make my mouth go dry? I'd seen a lot more of her skin. Always in the course of trying to keep her alive.

I cleared my throat. "Um... It's a little bland, to be honest... But we should always try everything at least once, right?”

I tried the strawberry and the chocolate together... Distracting myself until I could get a  grip on my overactive imagination.

•— Raven —•

Morning changed in him, making me tilt my head and frown but I didn’t push him. I took the time to replay the conversation, wondering what I’d said to change his tone however, nothing stood out.

“Oh yeah. Considering you were the one cooking back at home, and we didn’t know half of what we were eating. I’m glad to say I’m happy to try anything once.”

I took the vanilla chunk with the strawberry one, breaking them smaller before trying them together.

A couple of chews and I knew this was the one. However, I didn’t say it to him just yet.

•— John —•

I chuckled; remembering everyone's faces when they tried my food for the first time. The shock, and excitement at eating good food. Then the guilt at the assumptions that I couldn't have done anything right.

"Well, l am happy to take all the blame for you being brave enough to try new food.”

I closed my eyes when the flavour of the strawberry and chocolate hit my tongue. "Oh wow!!” I grabbed another piece of each and held them out to her. You gotta try this.”

•— Raven —•

Without thinking, leaning into him my hands clasped his wrists gently. My lips touched his fingers as I took the offering from his hand directly chewing on it.

“Oh wow. That’s…” chewing some more before I let his hand go to try mine. “Okay, you need to try this.” I gathered the vanilla and the strawberry together holding them out to him.

“This is as good.” I said still into the burst of excitement that was flavour in my mouth, causing me to salivate.

•— John —•

My world stopped briefly... her lips brushed against my fingers and my mouth went dry. Then I forced myself to focus on her reaction. To stop this foolishness before I destroyed what we both worked so hard to salvage and rebuild.

But when she held out the vanilla and this one is good too!" I looked down the fast dwindling block you know there is only one thing left to try now don't you."

•— Raven —•

“All.. At... Once!” The excitement in my voice had been a little too intense. I knew it the moment I heard myself. However, could I stop myself? No!

“It has to happen. We have to experience all three in one go. You know we do.” I made the universal gesture telling him we were both on the same page.

“Do you think…” my voice cut off as I began to break up what little we had left into equal amounts. “Yeah, we do.” Answering my own question.

Pushing three pieces in front of him, and taking three myself. “Do you think we are crazy for doing this?”

•— John —•

I nodded in agreement. Actually, nodded far too much that undercurrent of energy was still skittering along my bones. "It has to happen!" I said after her.

If there was one thing that Arkadians knew... it was how to split rations. And Raven knew this just as well as I did.

"Not crazy ... Just curious." I tilted my head. "But then again... curiosity killed the cat... and only crazy people do things that might get them killed."

My eyes met hers. "And I feel a little crazy.... like my insides are moving faster than my outsides." I looked at the six pieces she'd laid out for us

•— Raven —•

“Right…” I touched the tips of my finger to my cheeks which were heating for some reason. I hadn’t even moved from the spot. And it felt like I was running. “It feels like we should go for a run around the corridors.”

From somewhere underneath the words a giggle escaped my lips. My hand shot up to hide the fact, but then came another.

“Okay… okay..” I cleared my throat, shifting a little further forward towards the table.

“You know what. I never understood the meaning behind that phrase. I have said that curiosity is what kept the cat fed. You cannot find the next meal if you’re sitting still.”

My eyes found John, smiling at him with some excitement in my eyes. Nodding my head to the surface of the table.

“Let’s do this.”

I picked up the three pieces before myself, gathering them the best I could. In they went.

•— John —•

I grinned at her and barely resisted the urge to poke those pink cheeks. "Nah! That's just my presence making you blush!" I chuckled and picked up the three pieces. That short, high laugh did something to my stomach... Or was that the ice cream?

The song changed just when she picked up her pieces.

"Let's do this!" I echoed her words and tossed the pieces onto my tongue. But, I kept my gaze on her face for her reaction.

It hit me then... maybe this ship wouldn't be so bad after all. Not if there were new firsts for her to experience here. Especially after weeks of fear that at any moment the sword over her head could finally drop and her life would end too soon.

(Music: Summer Feeling · Matoma · Jonah Kagen)

•— Raven —•

The music changed at the same time as the flavours exploded on my taste buds. My eyes turned Wildly excited for all these taste sensations to form some kind of a…. a…

I lost my train of thinking as the bloom of flavours evolved on my tongue and engulfed my brain. “Hells!” Covering my mouth.

I couldn’t help the laughter and the flourish of my shoulders. I was dancing!!! Well…. Sit down dancing….. however, it was DANCING! The song was catchy, the lyrics would become wrapped in my head for days. I could tell.

•— John —•

When the riot of flavours hit my senses my eyes widened. "Now it makes sense why they put all three flavours in the same package." I chewed and savoured the flavours as they blended on my tongue.

The music was better than moonshine, and the song immediately had her letting her hair down. She was dancing from where she sat and I smiled as I watched.

I hopped up from the couch and pulled over the wheeled chair tucked neatly against a work desk. "You call that dancing?" I scoffed at her and scooped her up off the couch so fast she couldn't protest and sat her in the chair. No way was that brace going on her leg right now...

She was happy, smiling... this moment was going to be as pain-free as possible. I grabbed hold of the back of the chair and spun it around.

•— Raven —•

“HOLY SHIT!” The words spluttered out before I even knew what exactly had gone down.

“What are you thinking?” Then it was obvious and I loved it. Should we have been more careful? Yes, yes we should. However, the entire point of this night was to show him life up here would be different this time.

Laughter echoed in my new quarters as the room spun around me. I let my head fall back watching it all meld together into a giant spiral.

Humming to a song I didn’t know the words to. However, it still spoke to me.

“Faster! Spin me faster!”

•— John —•

I couldn’t help but laugh. Normally when I lifted her she protested, at least when she was conscious. But… not today. Today she was all smiles and giddy energy. Something I never thought I would see again after the first time I saw her happy drunk.

I did as she said and spun her around again, dragging the chair to the centre of the most open spot in the room. It wobbled a little to one side and I caught it before it tilted more than a few inches.

“Some mechanic you are!” I teased and spun her again. “Lopsided chairs in your quarters that you  haven’t fixed.”

•— Raven —•

“Careful!” My hands darted to hold onto the chair when it became unbalanced, sending a small jolt through my body.

“Excuse me, it’s my night off. And I’m not spending my time in here fixing my room up just yet.” However, the chair went onto the list of things I did want to fix in here if I had some downtime. Knowing it would be a while I laughed.

“You know they say not to trust a mechanic whose house isn’t in order. So, it’s all on you…. Weeeeeeee” Laughter filled me with a feeling of inner peace and warmth.

•— John —•

I laughed, still making sure the catch and steady the chair between spins. It was so, so good to see her laugh unrestrained like this. The song changed and I stopped spinning her, my hands on the armrests so she was facing me.

“You have bigger things to worry about.” I rolled her chair over to the couch and helped her back onto it. “I may not be a mechanic. But I bet I can fix this chair.”

I smirked and tilted it to lie on its side. To my immediate relief, the cause was instantly clear. The screws that attached the chair to the base were loose. Easy! I hid my grin. I found a screwdriver with ease… Lined up in a neat line on a table. I picked the one that looked like the right size and sat cross-legged next to the toppled chair. “Easy peasy!” I smiled at her, wondering as I tightened each screw, if anyone had ever fixed anything for her before.

•— Raven —•

Smiling, the odd laughter still breaking out when he helped me cross back over to the couch. However, instead of sitting there, I lay down. My back on the couch looking over to watch him.

“Leave it, John, I’ll take a look….” But he was off. The chair was on its side, and John Murphy had a reason to do something. Slowly shifting my entire body to its side, I propped myself up on my elbow.

“It’s easy when you know how John. Who knew you had become so handy.” Laughing again now listening to the new song. I liked this one too, more than anything else I liked the fact that I had my friend back.

•— John —•

She shifted to lay down while I tightened the first screw. “Careful Reyes! You're starting to sound like a procrastinator.” I teased her and moved on to the second. “Besides when was the last time anyone fixed something for you?” I quirked a brow in her direction.

The last screw tightened and I grinned. Setting the chair upright and giving it a shake.

“Solid as a rock!” I boasted and went to sit on the floor with my back against the couch. Like I had so many times when she slept in her room on the island.

I leaned my head back and turned to see her. “Thanks for not dying, Stargazer.” I smiled. “I might never have tasted ice cream if you did.” I tried to keep a straight face.

•— Raven —•

“Never gonna happen.”

His question took me by surprise because I didn’t have an answer off the top of my head.

“Uhmm… I got some help with the leg brace.” Did that count? It must, right? The fact that I could bend my leg was thanks to the help in the design of it. His coming to sit on the ground beside the couch made me smile. I closed my eyes feeling the rushing blood inside me.

My hand close to him, moved into his hair. Stroking his head softly. When I breathed in, I felt it jitter a little, and then a tear rolled down the side of my eyes and into my hairline.

“Same right back at ya, Watcher. Not sure if have been I’d the mood for ice cream if you turned into crispy meat on me.”

•— John —•

“Okay… I suppose it does... But haven’t you redesigned it twice already?” Her fingers in my hair… it was strange… comforting… and a little tingly.

“Just a little charred around the edges.” I gave her a soft, sideways smile. I saw the tear reach up at an awkward angle to wipe it away.

She deserved a long and happy life. She was the best of us.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm… yeah…. I have… maybe more…” My eyes closed now feeling heavy, my body relaxed at his sweet touch, making me smile.

Turning my body towards him I curled up on the couch. Taking his hand and lacing my fingers into it I brought it to my chest.

With a sleep-filled voice, I muttered.

“You aren’t allowed to go anywhere… you are my Watcher… I need you… I need your friendship, John.”

My lips and mouth felt dry. However, I was being engulfed by sleep for the first time in so many days.

•— John —•

She took my hand, normally she only did that when she was trying to keep me from having one of my episodes, or dragging me somewhere to show me something I would have to pretend to understand until she remembered who she was talking to.

I shifted so my shoulder was against the sofa so I could rest my chin on the cushion. I smiled… Was Raven Reyes actually relaxing? I heard a little hoarseness in her voice and having spent far too long next to her hospital bed to not know what that meant I moved, stretching awkwardly to the table her water ration sat on.

“See…” I smirked, squeezing her hand. “I’m not going anywhere.” I held the cup close to her. “Take a drink, Stargazer. You just ate half a block of the tastiest chalk ever.” I didn’t mention ‘before she fell asleep’. The minute she heard that word she would snap back to attention… I wasn’t sure where the sudden tiredness came from… but I was feeling it too. The frantic energy burning too hot to last. But who cared? Raven was here… asking me to stay.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm?” His voice sounded far away, like an echo in the forest on the island. One I whisper back to. “Yes… stay… we still have… more… time…”

Eyes fluttering open I saw the glass at an uneven angle, slowly recognising the fact it was me who was at the wrong angle. I lifted myself onto my elbow. I took the water; sipping it, I wasn’t going to drink it all.

“Chalk? I’m planning on getting some more of it.” I had another package of the sweet treat. However, I was saving it for #Luna.

“Here.” Giving the water back to him. “Drink this and move off the ground. It’s cold and hard down there.”

•— John —•

I squeezed her hand again so she knew I was still there without having to say much. "Tasty chalk." I corrected her and made a show taking a swig of the water too... I didn't exactly want to drink from her ration, but I knew refusing would make her wide awake to tell me off. She looked like she might drift off any second. I had learned the hard way that every moment of sleep was precious when it came to her.

"Okay, I will. Lie back down.." I set the cup down and guided her back down to the couch with my free hand. But I had to free the hand she held to move to sit on the couch. I carefully lifted her legs and slid under them, draping them across my lap then immediately seeking out her hand again like it was my own missing limb. "See, still right here... and all cosy." I whispered and tried to stifle a huge yawn.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm…” smiling a little (or at least I thought I was).

“Cosy.. Uhm… yes…” The space between us had been cold, however, when he moved to join me on the couch I instantly felt comfortable. My limbs relaxed and the muscles which always seemed to hurt tuned out.

“Uhm…” The sound of the music became a distant hum, and…….

•— John —•

I said nothing, just brushed my thumb across the back of her hand. She had been taking my hand a lot lately… it was becoming difficult to stop myself from overthinking that fact. Buy there was no space for that right now… all there was, was Raven and this sudden wave of… I was stunned for a moment. It wasn't exhaustion… it was just… sleepiness. No draining all-consuming need to sleep. No aching terror at the thought of sleep.

Because I wasn't going to sleep. I lay my cheeks against the back of the couch. I rested the hand not clasped in hers on her leg, in case she turned in her sleep and sent the damaged limb sliding off my lap. That would cause a lot of pain without her brace. I watched for a long time, seeing the change in how quickly her chest rose and fell as she drifted off.

She was sleeping… I let my eyes close just to rest them for a moment. That was all… I would make sure that no nightmares would find her tonight.

“I'm right here…” I whispered. “You are safe.”

I was just resting my eyes.

[oktorpg]

Mending Hearts and Souls - Part 2 - Solo by Raven Reyes

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 - 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐓𝐰𝐨

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: #LittleBirdRey

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3

      ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

          ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

I woke up with a hangover from the burning depths of hell, and no one on this ship could change my mind about it.

‘You look like it was a good night!’ #Jasper’s grinning face greeting me when I looked up from the table. ‘Are you going to eat that?’ He sat himself down before pointing to my open (but untouched) ration pack. I pushed it towards him with a groan.

The sense of relief at seeing him walking around the ship these last few days had only been made better by the fact that he was eating a healthy portion of food. I’d seen the others giving #Jasper a little extra from their rations, to help rebuild what he had lost in healing from the radiation poisoning.

‘Thanks. You’re a life saver Rey.’ Even with the pounding head these words stung making everything else melt away. Biting my lips, I sipped my water. ‘So, have you been partying without me? And what are you taking? Come on Rey, I’ve got some catching up to do here.’

I placed my hand over his arm when he propped his elbows on the metal table towards me. “Jas do you really believe I have time to party with all the work there is to do on this ship?” He waggled his brows. “I don’t know what it was, maybe an allergic reaction to the hundreds of years old ice cream block thing, John and I were trying.” Rubbing the back of my hand over my forehead as I spoke. “It’s crazy how I felt this rush of energy when we were eating it, and then all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball to sleep.”

Shaking my head as I thought about sleep, it had been the first night since leaving earth behind where I hadn’t woken up more tired than when I closed my eyes.

‘Sounds like a high and then a crash to me.’ #Jasper said as a matter of fact. ‘It’s when the mind and your body are overly stimulated, and then… you know…’ With his hand he gestured making the sound of a firework going up, followed by a bang, and a sputtering sound of it coming down again. ‘What goes up, must come crashing down.’ Laughter erupted from him as whatever reaction he must have observed in my face. People having whispered conversations on the tables around us all turned to look, making me hunch and hide myself.

#Jasper was unphased by the looks we were given, making me smile internally slightly. He was back. Jasper… our Jas… he was coming back to us slowly. The scars of his time on Earth had made deep indents on his body and soul for all to see. One look into this boys’ eyes told you how much he had endured and survived, and he sat here before me now smiling, joking, and still wanting to eat. I reached out my hand palm up, and without a beat or thought, he placed his free hand into it. Squeezing, lacing his fingers into mine.

‘Don’t… Don’t say it… I know… I overheard you and John when I was in the med bay. You don’t have to say any of that again.’ Tears burned the back of my eyes. ‘Hey...’ Squeezing my hand to bring my gaze up to meet his.  ‘I’m just pissed, you and John’ he emphasized John’s name. ‘Had a high without me, that’s just plain and simply wrong.’ He squeezed my hand once more, not letting it go as some of the others began to join us.

Just like that, I’d been forgiven for everything I’d done. This boy didn’t want explanations, he wasn’t even going to allow me to say Sorry. He just kept a hold of me, telling me, our friendship hadn’t broken.

[oktorpg]

The Diary of John Murphy - Solo by John Murphy

Entry One

〄 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙈𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙝𝙮

╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @ToldUIdSurvive

   ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: YEAR 2150

      ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda  ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

     ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

I was sat at the table in the room that I shared with #Luna and #Emori. The notebook that Doc Lite had given me sat on the table. The slightly shiny Eligius IV logo winked up at me in the harsh lights. How the hell did you even start one of these stupid things? On the rare  occasion that farm station was granted a movie night I had heard about the idea of keeping a journal on paper. In the Sky Box, I knew it was one of the favourite therapy methods of the doctor treating the really crazy inmates… But they were digital, audio or video. I guess I was one of them now. But at least I was no longer an inmate.

#Jackson had told me to just start. I flipped open the notebook and picked up the pen.

I tried to remember why I was doing this… for Raven; so I could keep my arse out of lockup long enough to see her truly happy  (for more than a moment)… for #Luna and #Emori so they didn’t have to see me like that again. “Raven…” I muttered her name and remembered everything we had been through.

Then I wrote:

“Dear Raven.”

That was less crazy than Dear Dairy. My handwriting looked like  it belonged to a child. But it wasn’t like we had much occasion to write on paper on the Ark. I was typing long before I ever used a stylus on a screen to learn how to form the letters by hand. But paper… I’d never even seen it until I found the books in #Becca’s bunker.

There was a library on the Ark… but everything was in oxygen-sealed chambers you had to get approval to access it. It all seemed like a lot of work, so I had never bothered.

‘Just start.’ Jackson had said. So, I wrote again.

“So, I started… Now what?”

Then I stared at the page for who knows how long.

Entry Two

〄 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙈𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙝𝙮

   ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @ToldUIdSurvive

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: YEAR 2150

        ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

      ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

       ╰ᴱⁿᵗʳʸ:2

I was sat in the canteen, feeling…. Hell… good? Is that what this was? The notebook sat open on the table, my first ridiculous entry staring back at me. I was sure this wasn’t the kind of thing that #DrJackson had in mind for my therapy. But at least it was a start.

I stopped spinning my pen between my fingers and wrote:

“Dear Raven,

I feel… weird today. And a little hungover, are you sure that ice cream stuff didn’t have alcohol in it?”

I laughed and scratched my forehead with the pen. That stuff gave a mega energy boost and then it  just… crashed.

“It’s a good weird though. Like I finally got some sleep. Did you feel the same way? Did you sleep better too? Or was that just me? I hope not, I hope you slept too and feel better. I know it has something to do with you… Like on the island, maybe. We were  so used to each other's company, that maybe it just felt a little more like home, being together. I don’t know. But… I don’t ever remember you taking my hand before falling asleep…

Maybe it was just the ice cream… ”

I sighed and closed the book. I had to stop… I needed to be happy with having her in my life at all… wanting more always led to pain. And I knew the pain of losing her, that was unacceptable.

TBC...

https://x.com/ToldUIdSurvive/status/1703188954520977820?s=20

[oktorpg]

Mending Hearts and Souls – Solo by Raven Reyes

〄 ꜱᴏʟᴏ - ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬

╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: #littlebirdrey 

╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3

╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ 

╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

“There is no dishonor in owning your mistakes, or to apologise for them. The humiliation comes when you knowingly refuse to act on your behalf when the oversight is highlighted.”

                            -Samuel Reyes 

Time was a luxury; one we didn’t have, ever since we left earth, to return to space, and make a semi-permanent home for all the souls we’d saved on Eligius IV. We came here to survive where once we had run from, with the hopes that this time we wouldn’t fail those whose lives we had taken into our hands.

This had been my mission ever since I docked the transport ship. I knew I was someone with a one tacked mind. That once I had a goal set, all my energy had to be spent resolving the problem. And we all know what dilemma faces us right now. Survival!

〄 〄 〄 〄

‘Anytime now, it’s okay. I know you have no plans to call it a night. But if you don’t mind, after close to two nights of working with you nonstop. I want to see the inside of my room.’ #Bellamy had offered his hands over dinner a few nights ago. He’d been watching me fight with some of the cryogenic beds, and “Took pity” on me. (Or so he says) Something told me that he needed some down time from the politics of the clans.

“Who here is stopping you? You know where the doors are, and what the codes are too.” Waving my hand in the direction of it. “Get out.” Speaking from under a half-demolished bed.

The best way to learn how something worked was to take it apart slowly. Seeing it with your own eyes, feeling the parts assisted in understanding the components clearer.

‘And leave you in here on your own? No way.’ He pulled me out from under the bed with my leg. The wheels on the roller underneath me shifted, leaving me exposed to the blight of the overhead lights. ‘Rey, come on. We are calling it.’ He looked at the time. ‘And lunch is being served right now, we can eat something, shower and then hit our bunks hard. Because my actions in about ten minutes will be induced by hunger and sleep deprivation.’ #Bellamy made me smile, he still sometimes called the beds ‘bunks’, even when we were sleeping on forest floors.

“Fine, okay. You head out to the mess, and I’ll be right behind you.” He wasn’t past man handling. And he knew me better. He knew as soon as he left, I would roll myself back to work, and he wasn’t going to let me go.

Bending down, he took the tools out of my hands, setting them to the side. He took a hold of both my hands, pulling me up and onto my feet. ‘Now Rey… we are leaving right Now!’ Pushing me over towards the door with his fingers poking me in my ribs.

“Okay, okay, however would you at least let me put my tools away?” Trying to turn back was futile at this point as he had one foot out the door.

‘Good try, and no, there is no point. Because we both know you will need the same tools later tonight when you come back.’  

〄 〄 〄 〄

We parted ways at the mess, #Bellamy stayed with me until I completely consumed my ration. Each bite I swallowed had been difficult, especially when I knew there were malnourished children on board the Eligius IV, who hadn’t had a full meal in months. #Bellamy’s logic had been the same as others onboard. ‘If you aren’t feeding yourself, and looking after your health, then we all die, when this piece of crap falls out of space and goes crashing to earth.’

(I didn’t think it was the appropriate time to correct him by clarifying. Because didn’t we all knew that if the Eligius IV malfunctioned, then it would either the ship’s momentum would continue to carry it on its current trajectory with the constant speed it has now, or it would explode and shatter into a billion pieces and be scattered around the orbit of earth. However, Like I said. It wasn’t the best time to have said conversation.)

〄 〄 〄 〄

Making my way back to my room had become a mission on most days. I always seemed to end up anywhere but there.

As I walked through the bustling corridor my mind went to how the people onboard had worked so far to uncontaminated the ship. Corridors, rooms, the mess, the med bay, all cleaned. A few people had even come to the landing bay and workshop where I spend most of my time, attempting to help there. However, I’d thanked them and asked them to leave it to me. I knew where things were meant to stay to make my working life easier, in my workspace, and having someone else tidy objects they didn’t know or understand would take me twice as long to retrieve eventually.

The ship was slowly coming to life… And this thought made me smile. Maybe #Bells had a point, taking a walk around would help me see the impact we are having on these people. It would remind me of the mission, and why we were here in the first place.

Singing voices brought me to a jolting stop in front of a set of doors I’d not been inside of. The two glass panels in the doors gave me the perfect view of what was occurring behind them, making me smile even more.

Children of all ages were in the room, some sitting on the ground in a circle, some on chairs, others on benches, some by the windows which had been covered, and a small group of three or four running around the circle of their friends. While in the middle of them all, sat cross legged was #Luna with her arms open in a welcoming gesture to the children.

It’s then I remembered John Murphy had told me about what she and #Emori had been doing on the ship.

“They haven’t been assigned work details because of the tensions with the grounders. Luna spends her time with Harper, helping with the kids, and Emori goes on to work detail with Jasper. I don’t like the idea of them being on their own when I’m working.”  He had said.

The moment our eyes met I knew I had been found out. #Luna had seen me before I had her. She tilted her head to the side, waving for me to come in. Shaking my head and taking a few steps back from the door, I hadn’t planned on going inside at all. However, the doors opened with a whoosh with all eyes on me.

‘Hey Rey, it’s so about time you to dropped in to see these little monsters.’ The teasing voice of #Harper said. She stood before me smiling with a toddler clinging to her hip whilst she held him close.

“Hi…” Waving to the room in the most awkward way possible. “I was walking by and heard the laughter and singing.” As though it would do as an explanation.

#Luna continued to watch before she spoke to all the children in trig. Telling them who I was, what I do on the ship, and how I was the one to pilot the drop ship to collect them. Those who first looked apprehensive, visibility relaxed, and some even asked questions of her, and she in turn guided them to me. The #ZenMaster, held her hand out to me asking me to take a chair a teenaged boy brought forward for me while I answered some of the questions in trig, and others with some help with #Luna.

I hadn’t even known that these two amazing women had opened a school like environment for all the children who were allowed to come. #Harper has whispered to me that some of the grounders were still untrusting of #Luna, so wouldn’t send their kids at all. Something they were working on. They didn’t ask for my help, or need any guidance, they were just sharing this achievement with me. The two warrior’s woman in our group were the ones who were taking care of the next generation with love and kindness. It was incredible to observe.

〄 〄 〄 〄

I stayed there in the classroom until it was time for the children to go. Helping where I could, and watching when I wasn’t needed. Soon the children had all let their walls down, welcoming me into this small safe world. They didn’t have a concern about the hours they were there. They were permitted to be children, to sing, dance, and learn. All the things we maybe took for granted on the Ark.

‘You took your time to come find the peace.’ #Luna finally said once all the children and #Harper left for the day. The were no classroom supplies, however the girls had been on the hunt on the ship for things they could use clearly.

“I didn’t know I was in need.” Setting the chairs away to the far side of the room. Refusing to turn to make eye contact with her.

‘We all need peace at some point. Just depends on when each individual recognises their need.’ She stood herself right behind me, leaving no place to hide from her deep brown eyes. ‘Stop this. You have nothing to feel this guilt about.’ Keeping her voice low and her trig slow, ensuring I didn’t miss a word. ‘You always do the best you can and somehow find a way to kick yourself for not doing even more.’

“What can I say? I’m just a glutton for punishment.” This earned me a stern look.

‘No, you care so much that you forget you are human. That you cannot kill yourself to save others.’ She cupped my face in her hands to bring my misty eyes to hers. ‘You did this. You saved all these people who no one would have. Every person and child on this ship, all here because we had you.’ That was it, the tears fell in a stream with no end in sight. ‘Raven… little sister… I love you… and you must know I’ve been here waiting for you to see the truth. It took you long enough. Now we move forward.’ Kissing my forehead, she held me in her arms.

 “I didn’t think you could forgive me, not after what I did.” I sobbed into her shoulder, holding her for dear life.

‘What you did? You found a way to save us. There is no reason for forgiveness.’ Her voice was soothing to me.

“I left you, Jasper and John to die.” I managed to let out.

‘No, you promised to come back for us, and you did. We had faith in you. That’s all.’ I shook my head, making #Luna held me closer. ‘Stop this now. You aren’t responsible for the world burning. You are the one who saved lives.’

She held on to me until the tears dried, until she could tell that it would be safe to let go of me, and only then did she draw me towards the door. ‘Come.’ She smiled; her wild hair bounced as she pulled my arm.

“Where to?” following her without stopping.

‘Our new home, you need to see how well #Emori and John have been keeping your space clean. It’s nice in there, it’s just missing you.’ We were at the door when I drew my hand back to still myself. ‘Raven?’ she asked questioningly. I had seen it; John had shown it to me.

‘Come, let’s go’ I shook my head once. The smile on her lips fell. ‘Why not?’ She turned to face me. ‘Why won’t you come home with me?’ she asked again when I hadn’t answered her.

“I… I.. I cannot… I just…” biting down on my lips my eyes fell to the ground and my feet.

‘Please... tell me why.’ Once again #Luna cupped my face to bring my eyes up to meet hers.

“I just can’t.” but she pushed when fresh tears fell down my cheeks. How could I explain this to her. That it was for me that I couldn’t… Pulling my will power together, I took a deep calming breath. “Luna, all my life I have lived with someone. My parents, Finn, and his mom, the 100, with You and John… and then Emori too. At each phase in my life, I felt like my world was pulled out from under me. Sometimes because of what I had done, sometimes because it was done to me. The only time I had full autonomy over myself were times I slept with my work. Where I couldn’t let someone down, and they couldn’t let me down.” This was difficult to say out loud for the first time. “I’m not ready to hand over that power over me. You are the one who just said, I give too much of myself… And I sometimes forget just because someone is my priority, it doesn’t mean I am theirs.”

My mom had been the first person to teach me this lesson, however I didn’t learn. Then Finn… and again… I didn’t learn. But this last lesson came with a burning planet. If I still did not listen to the universe. My heartbreak was on me.

‘I thought you had forgiven us?’ she asked as her hands dropped away.

“I have… this isn’t about you. This is about me. Me needing to understand that if I had to survive. I could.” My eyes pleaded with her to hear and understand me.

Tentatively nodding her head, she kissed my forehead again. ‘Until the time comes when you feel it in your heart. Know that I am always with you no matter what.’ Dropping her hands, she smiled, stepping away to give me space to leave. To go where I knew I could be until I could trust myself.

[oktorpg]

Finding Their Way Back  - Book 3 – Chapter 3  – Storyline 8 - Together

•— Raven —•

“Well…” Coughs on my moonshine.

•— John —•

"See something you like, Stargazer?"

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head, pointing to the metal glass.  “Just a strong batch”

•— John —•

Smirks. “I'd be more inclined to believe you if you shared?” Quirking a brow.

•— Raven —•

Pulling my cup away and shaking my head.  “Oh. No. I’ve only just had a sip. I need two more before I share.”

•— John —•

I laughed and tipped the bottom of the cup up toward her lips. “Drink up then! A man could die of thirst here.”

•— Raven —•

Frowning with a smirk I take a sip.  “Someone would think you want my drink more than I need it.”  Taking another sip, then holding the cup out.

•— John —•

“Need it? To turn the frown upside down?”

•— Raven —•

“Turn what? Huh? Frown? Why would you do that?”

•— John —•

“Isn’t that why we drink moonshine? To…”  I raised my brow. “Enhance our moods?”

•— Raven —•

“Enhance?” Pulling back the extended hand. “I do not need any Enhances thanks. I’m perfect.” Tongue and cheek with the sarcasm dripping.

•— John —•

I reached out for the cup as she pulled it back. “Really? So… what are we drinking to?”I took the cup and sipped. Just enough of a taste to draw a line heat down into my stomach.

•— Raven —•

Letting my cup go, even if I didn’t want to. “Not dying today? Isn’t that worth a little something?

•— John —•

“So, you’re celebrating? Because I hate to be the one to tell you….” I leaned in close and whispered. “You’re doing it wrong! Celebrations normally come with smiles.”

•— Raven —•

Pulling back just enough to look at him. “Do you know what else is done with a smile?” Taking my glass back for a sip again. “Taking Dick to your foot and seeing how long it takes you to walk again. Shall we try it with a smile?”

•— John —•

I surrendered her glass without a fuss. “If it will make you smile... I might even stand still for you while you do.”  My expression was blank, not giving away if I was serious or not.

•— Raven —•

“Sure. Waiting a minute. WHAT?” My eyes shooting up in shock. “Tell me it’s not so? The survivor is willing to go down without a fight?” Handing the glass back.

•— John —•

At least that seemed to pique an emotional reaction from her. “I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me, Stargazer.” I took the glass an took a big swig this time.

•— Raven —•

“You know what. You can keep this glass.” Pointing to it, before looking around for another. “Before you really start to give up hope.”

•— John —•

I shook my head and smirked.

“Don’t worry too much Rey…” I chuckled darkly. “People might start to  think you care.” I winked at her. She cared… she cared about all of lives… I didn’t understand why… but even when she hated me, I was counted among those she cared for.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes at him. “Don’t let your imagination run too wild there, Watcher. Some of us do think of others.”

•— John —•

I nodded and took sip. It stung… lately it felt like every time I tried to think of others, I made things worse or was punished for it.

“And some of us just suck it I guess.”

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head. “Nope. Some is us are just misunderstood.”  Shrugging my shoulders. “I hope.”

•— John —•

I laughed darkly and dragged my hand through my hair. “You sure know how to confuse a guy Reyes… I’ll give you that.” I drowned the last of the shine.

•— Raven —•

Watching him out of the side of my eye pulling the jar of shine out from under the table.  “You sound shocked. It’s like you don’t even know who I am.”

•— John —•

I laughed again this time a little less self-pitying.  “Okay… touché… I’m not on my A-game right now.”

•— Raven —•

“Not enough shine will do that to even the best of them. Let alone a survivor back on a ship.”  Pouring myself a fresh drink now.

•— John —•

I glanced out the nearest window at the still-burning planet below. “Better up here than down there.” I refilled my glass. “What think the chances are of the nerd squad figuring out how to make moonshine out of algae?”

•— Raven —•

Glancing out the same window at the burning planet that had been home for a little while. “Hmm?” Shaking my head and the. Nodding. “Hmm… if we know them. They are working on it as we speak.”

•— John —•

“You mean working on the bunker?” I asked her… I mean even when the planet stops burning, I will still be five years before we can survive on the ground… right?” I filled the glass again. “I just hope when we go back…. we land nowhere near Polis. I don’t think I have it in me to survive another war.”

•— Raven —•

The glass that had been meant for my lips stopped midway and hovered there as his words sank in. “Land nowhere near Polis?” I whispered.

“We wouldn’t have a say, five years is a long time. And we would have to watch everything to see where we could bring again.”

I was talking to myself. Maybe. “I…. Maybe… it’s…. Possible?”  I didn’t know if it was right now. “Hmm… time will tell.”

•— John —•

“How many beginnings have we had already?” I laughed... Because what else could we do but start again. “Maybe Sangedakru have the right idea... Just keep moving... That you can't ever lose a home.” Too many memories of the mansion... allowing myself to feel like I was home... allowing myself to believe I had been accepted by the people there. It was painful to think of it now.

I shook away the thoughts of it and drank, burning the feeling away. “You know the grounders won't just let it go... That Jaha and the great of Skaikru stole the bunker.”

•— Raven —•

“That’s not that answer. I refuse to believe it is.” The mansion had become home. “Home is where we can make it work, for however long.” Taking a sip from the jar as he had stolen my glass. “So, it’s up to us to show them we aren’t all the same lowlifes to do as the others did.”

•— John —•

“I never really had one before... Not since...” I shook my head I wasn't going to go there. “We knew the Mansion wouldn't last... And we-- I...  let it--” I turned my gaze to her realising she was drinking from the jar and offered her the glass instead. “Could you really do it again? Let a place be home knowing you'd lose it eventually?” the question was genuine. I wanted to know... To see if it was possible for me too one day.

•— Raven —•

Turning to face him again, my hazel eyes a little damp from the memories that would live with me until the final sleep closed my eyes.

I took the glass from him, setting the jar down to have a drink and then looked to the burning planet once again.  “It is. It has to be. otherwise, I would have given up fighting and died a long time ago.”

My freed hand moved to rub my hip without thinking about it.

“Home is people, John. Not places. Maybe we gave too much emphasis and forgot the truth? So, yeah. We can make it happen again. I will make it so.”

•— John —•

Dragged my hand through my hair... Just so could hide my face while I tried the swallow the limp in my throat at her watery eyes. I was afraid to have hope... So, all I said was. “You called me, John.”

I followed her gaze to the window, then moved it down to her hip when she rubbed it. “I bet you miss the pool though.” It was the only time I remember her at complete peace.

•— Raven —•

Our home was burning up before our eyes. The last time it happened we weren’t even alive.  Sighing and taking another sip from the glass before holding it out for him.

“It’s your name.” My voice was low. I knew what he was saying. “A person’s name has their identity in it. I don’t want to take yours away from you.”

Reaching over to lean my shoulders on the side of the window I closed my eyes. “I am going to miss those nights. Looking up to the stars. And the floating. But we have ZoneGs up here.”

•— John —•

That chuckle slipped past my lips again and I silenced it as fast as I could. “I suppose it is.” but we both knew that John and Murphy we're two different people.

Only days ago, I could have put an arm around her and taken some weight off that painful hip... But today I had to let her lean on the window. I swigged from the jar.

“Not sure we could justify a spacewalk in place of a fistful of pain meds.” this chuckle was more... Amused. “Is the anywhere inside the ship without gravity? Only the rotating parts of the ship have it right? Like on The Ark?”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my eyes, I took another sigh as I reopened my eyes. My mind trying to concentrate however it had been a while since sleep was had, and the shine was doing its job.

“You’re a buzz kill. And here I thought it was my job to do that.” One last glance out the window before I turned back to look at him.

“I’m not sure yet. I still have a lot to learn about this ship. This ship is much older. Have you seen the wooden benches and the way they are bolted to the ship? I mean it works... however, unlike anything I’ve seen in my training.”

•— John —•

"Really? That's a first?" I chuckled. I could honestly say that was one thing no one had ever called me.

"Oh yeah, I got up close and personal with them in the brig." I turned to her and smiled... "I'm sure there's a way to figure out where the ship has oxygen and zero-g right? I mean... you are Raven Reyes after all?"

•— Raven —•

“There’s. First time for everything.” Shifting while leaning on the window at remembering him in the bring and how I left him there, I took a gulp from the glass emptying it.

“I will work it out. Just not the first priority on the million things on my list of things I need to work out.Every ship in space has a Parabolic chamber. A place the oxygen can be reduced to the atmosphere within,  to hit an internal zero gravity. It won’t take long to find it and simulate the exterior of the ship.”

•— John —•

I smiled, shaking my head. “I mean sure...I have no doubt... But aren't you the only mechanic in this ship right now?” I sipped on the moonshine.

“Seems like a priority that the only person with the skills to keep this tin can in orbit, should be right up there on that list... And if her pain relief can come in the form that isn’t drugs that will knock her out...” I shrugged.

“Just seems logical.... But i’m just the delivery boy.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

Straightening up the moment he pointed my pain out. Crap! I hadn’t been thinking how my standing here would look to others.

“The ship in standing, and it has been for hundreds of years. I’ve given it a once over. My priority was to get back and save your arse as well as everyone else.” Did he think I was slacking or not doing my job?

“I’m doing the best I can Murphy. Right now. Making sure people don’t die up here when and if we put them to sleep, is the highest priority. Sorry if I’m not working fast enough for you.”

Frowning I set the glass down to the side. “I guess my break time it over. I should get back to work.” Shaking my head, what was I even thinking? He was right. I didn’t have time to stand around daydreaming.

•— John —•

Shit! That took a nose dive… fast. “Rey, wait!” I held out my rm in front of her… still making sure she could step around me if she wanted to. “That’s not what I meant… I just…”

I pulled my arm back and dragged in through my hair. My fingers clenching a bit. “Remember when we could talk and actually hear each other? Understand…. Each other.” I stared at the floor. “It wasn’t that long ago it.”

•— Raven —•

Stopping before I walked into him my eyes moved all over so that I didn’t have to made eye contact with him.

My heart sank thinking of those times. When we could sit in one another’s company, not say anything and know it was fine. And when we did speak. It all just made some form of sense. Even if we didn’t see eye to eye.

“Doesn’t seem like we still have that… connection anymore.” I finally said. And I missed it.

•— John —•

I managed to look at her now. And it hurt, it hurt to see that this fact caused her pain. I’d caused her too much pain already.

“But just something is broken… just because I… broke it…” I cleared my throat when it constricted. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable. Right?” I gave the best smile I could call up when I quoted the lovable Android from a book I had given her once. It really much of smile, my would felt heavy again.

Would she remember? Had she even finished that story? Did she know how broken I was?

•— Raven —•

My heart stopped beating for a second or two, thinking of the droid who said that. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable…” I so wanted to curl up and read that book again. It had become one I went back to since he gave it to me.

“It doesn’t, however somehow, we keep ripping the bandage off before the scars are  healed. And each time… the wound is deeper.”

He wasn’t the only one… I broke us too. I had a hand in it. “I… mi…” shaking my head, as my throat closed. If I said it… I wouldn’t be able to take it back.

•— John —•

I couldn't let myself linger on what she might have said. There were too many things it could be... there were too many things that she could say to me and all of them would cut too deep. And deserved to say all of them to me after everything I had done.

"Every time I try to... " I clenched my jaw and cleared my throat. What was going to say? Make excuses for the stupid things I'd done... thinking they would fix things? Or at least start to... what was the point?

It wouldn't change the fact I'd done them. "I'm just... sorry."

•— Raven —•

Tilting my head to the side I watched him now. As in really watched. Was this the same as the last times? Where we would apologise to one another, and tomorrow would become another day when we betrayed the friendship we hoped to rekindle?

Or would this be the start of a new form of that friendship we shared on the island? Where we could sit and talk the night away. Eat crackers and chocolate sauce. I shook my head. Not raising to that hope in my heart.

“Actions Murphy. Not words. We both have a long path ahead of us.”

•— John —•

My eyes burned and I dropped my arm, I mangled what was going to be a sob into a laugh… “See… that’s where I just can’t seem to shine. I couldn’t cut it in the med bay… I tried to keep us all together and failed miserably at that… I tried to protect Luna and… well that was shit show.” I tapped my fingers reflexively on the sides of my empty cup. “It’s been so long since I cared about anyone but myself…. Maybe I just always sucked at it.”

I hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. Shit! I put the cup down. “I guess I…. I should get back to work too.”

I puked out two foil packets from my pocket and slipped them into hers. “These are the last two meals you’ve missed. No one is losing out because I gave them to you. Please eat… so at least I can say I did one thing right. Even if it’s just being a delivery boy.”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. You know what. Let’s agree to less action from you.” He was making a good point here, whenever John Murphy went to action. Things backfired. His face was proof of it. I pushed the two packages back towards him. “Give them to someone who hadn’t had as much as me over the last few weeks.”

Our time on #Becca’s Island had been good on those who were there. “Some of the kids look like they could do with extra. Please give it to them. I’m okay.” Pocketing my hands into the pockets of the jumpsuit that had now become my uniform.

•— John —•

"The harder I try the worse the outcome." I tried to make my chuckle sound real... but I wasn't sure if I succeeded. I shook my head and looked at her. "I um... I can't... if people think that I'm willing to break the rules or play favourites... It would cause problems." I cleared my throat.

"We'd up like we were on the Ark... using rations to trade power and influence. For as long as I'm on the code to that door... that's not going to happen again."

•— Raven —•

It surprised me that I could still see through the mask he sometimes put on... no... he put that mask on all the time. The only time I saw it come down was on the island, and now it was back in place.

My eyebrows pulled together, why hadn't I thought of this myself? of course if people saw the rules were bending for some, they would find ways for it to work for them.

Taking my hand out of my pocket I took the package from him. "I didn't mean it like that. I don't want things here to turn out like the Ark. I'm working as hard as I can to make sure this ship doesn't end up like the last one. But I guess I'm failing these things." Holding up the food packet.

•— John —•

“No… Rey, you’re not failing. I just… I..” I sighed and dropped my gaze to the floor. Again.

“I’m trying to do something right. And as much as o would love to give more to the kids… or the pregnant lady from Trikru… I can’t.” I looked at the package in her hand. “It just can’t be me. If they think Skaikru is being unfair with food… then…”

I didn’t need to finish that sentences she knew that all hell would break lose. “I’m trying not to fuck this up. I really am.”

•— Raven —•

My feet twitched to move a step closer towards him, however I stopped the impulse. It wasn’t my place anymore. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, the frown deepened on my features.

“No… I get it. I understand… they can’t see the one who is in charge of the food paying more attention to one person or clan. It could begin a clan war when we only just got them to sit around a table without wanting to kill one another, or us.”

I hugged the pack to my chest. “I shouldn’t have asked you too. I should have known better than this.” He was trying to do better? That meant he was thinking about his actions and their reactions. That was new, wasn’t it?

•— John —•

“I’m just… I’m trying to do this right. I know that they will all likely be sleeping soon. But I understand the impulse, especially with the little kids, some of them were half starving before the radiation.” She looked…. Shifty… this conversation, all our conversation now so awkward.

“But I promise you, I worked hard on the meal plan. I did everything I could to make sure everyone got what they need. The kids and the pregnant woman get extra protein and nutrition packs. They’re getting everything they need… other than flavour and feeling full.”

Just like on the ark. When we actually received our ration, we were well nourished… but never satisfied.

•— Raven —•

Taking another heavy sigh. “Well nourished… however… never satisfied.”

Those memories felt like nightmares for those who didn’t even receive their allocation. How things had been for me too before #Finn and his family had stepped up for a girl who didn’t belong to them. “I know. I know.” And some part of me did know. “It’s the one thing the council actually agree on. That everyone is receiving food. That there is no division involved when the food is shared.”

And now I found myself half smiling. “It’s nothing like the food we ate at home.” clearing my throat the moment the word had left my lips. “I mean… on the island..”

•— John —•

I was sure that some people were sharing rations or maybe even going without so their kids or elderly could eat better… but I was the face they all saw handing out the food. I couldn’t be the one breaking the rules. Even if it was helping someone with a greater need.

“It’s okay.” I told her. Letting the subject of rationing go. “I still call it home too:”

•— Raven —•

My eyes shot over to John, for him to admit that he thought of a place like home couldn’t have been easy. Or was that just me? Sucking in a deep breath through my teeth a shiver washed over me as my eyes turned back to the window. “Our home is burning.” That thickness in my voice evident.

“It feels like a dream now.” Finally admitting the sensation of dread growing inside.

•— John —•

I heard the shudder in her breath and the sadness in her voice… “Yeah.” My voice cracked. “I know you say home is where your people are… but… the place. Even with the luxury and the beds… the showers. It’s not even all of that…” I cleared my tightening throat.

“It was not being hungry. Not flinching are every footstep behind you… not being treated like…” I stopped. It hurt her when I used the word cockroach… but would it still? Or was that how she saw me again?

•— Raven —•

My body tightened waiting for the word I knew he would use at the end of this sentence, the dislike of it ran down to my core.

However… it didn’t come… turning my head slightly to bring him into my sight line I watched him with some hesitation. And still it did not come. “A place where you do not need a knife to sleep, or a gun? Where you finally could remove your shoes because you knew you were save and sleep wouldn’t be filled with nightmares.”

Saying the words with the memory of a knife being place to my throat because of his nightmares.

•— John —•

The watched the planet burn… I could feel her gaze on my cheek. But I couldn’t lol at her… I was afraid of what I might see in her expression. Judgement was never her style…. Disappointed, though, that was impossible to hide. Had the girls told her about my makeshift alarm? or how badly I missed my handgun? All our weapons had been taken when we disembarked from the transport ship. The only thing I managed to keep was my hunting knife.

I flinched… I remembered how close if come to killing her with that knife… I never kept it near me when I slept anymore. Did that mean her dreams were getting bad again? We’re they as bad as mine?  “I’m still really sorry about that… but the nightmares… you they weren’t as bad when you weren’t alone… on the island at least.”

•— Raven —•

Resting my forehead to the glass I waved him off. “You don’t have to be sorry for that.” I knew that he was thinking of the same night.  Certain that the reflection of the burning planet could be seen in my irises I left no space for anyone to see them.

“I’ve been alone for a long time, Murphy. The island was just a nice illusion. A moment in my life that I wished could be true. But then, it what always happens. I see the light in the darkness when the world tells me there is nothing. And now….” Would I give up? No. However, it just took longer to stand up again.

•— John —•

“Oh…” I blinked stinging eyes… there was so much in her words I should focus on but there two the stood out starkly… Murphy. I was Murphy again… and ‘I’ve been alone for a long time.’

“I… uh-“ I swallowed hard. Had she felt alone the whole time on the island? Had she never felt even a small amount of what I had… like someone believed in them… cared… like we were… a team at least, maybe just maybe friends? Had I been stupid to think she’d ever think it was possible?

I clenched my jaw to keep it from quivering. “I guess… ultimately we’re all alone.” What else could I say. That I was there, I was fighting for her to live, trying the make the last days of her life more than work and pain and survival. I couldn’t… because I had tried to leave… and now none of that meant a damn thing.

“At least, it was a pretty illusion… for a while.” I touched the glass… and wondered if it would have been better if I’d stayed. If I’d burned to the ground with the illusion of home and belonging. Death seemed more peaceful than the death of hope.

•— Raven —•

“Yeah.” The word thick in my throat. There were so many images and things flying around my memories.

#Luna returning with meat the first time.

#Griff and #Monty trying to learn how to sit still!

Everyone sat around the table eating, talking, laughing.

#Bells getting locked in the basement.

#Abby and #Kane smiling while sat watching the madness that was us…

John… teaching me to float in the pool…

John… sleeping at the end of my bed when I woke from my darkness…

John… showing me the rose garden….

John… breaking down on the beach.

John… who never really wanted anything but to survive. And that’s what he was doing. It was his truth, and he was proud of it. He had shouted about in loud and clear. So, really, I was the fool who thought he could want anything different.

“And now… this is our reality.”

•— John —•

The despair in her voice was too much to bare. The urge to hug her and tell her over and over I was sorry for letting down was too much... The only reason I was able to stop myself from doing was that I knew it would drive us further apart.

“I really hate this, Raven...” I said then realised she might assume I meant being on the ship considering what she had said last.  “Not out new reality... Though that kinda blows too... But it's better than the alternative. I hate this...” I pointed between the two of us... “We were... Friends? Or... Something? Right? And it wasn't easy to get there... For either of us. Is there a way back? Is there any hope? Or am I just making it all worse when I try? I know that it's my fault I do... I just... Do you want to get back to how things were there? Or do you me to stop?”

I felt like anytime we spoke, it ended in tears or unshed tears. And I didn't know if I was just torturing her at this stage or if I should let her go... I wasn't sure I could let her. If she wanted me out of her life I owed it to her to try.

“Am I making everything worse?”

•— Raven —•

Pivoting on my feet I turned so fast that it cased pain to shoot up my hip and into my back. Biting down on my lips was the only way to keep myself from letting it show, but my hand shot out to steady myself on the cold ship wall.

His words were on a repeating loop. with the realisation on the attempts, he was making. Whenever we took at couple of feet forward, we took ten back. When I felt like we were getting to a place we could balance some form of communication it impacted our relationship harder.

Shaking my head as I thought of his questions. But the true question he wasn’t concerned with. Why would he want to be friends with me? Why would he want to go back to what we had before?

“Maybe you should stop…”

Pushing off the walk I straightened my shoulders. I’d been getting him nearly killed every step of the way. People had shot at him, sea monsters had attacked him, I’d left him to die of radiation poisoning….

“Friendship with Raven Reyes is a bad idea. You will do better without it, Murphy. You don’t need me in your new life up here. It’s for the best.”

•— John —•

I laughed... and dark, twisted, incredulous and kind of manic laugh. A terrified and confused laugh... terrified, because of what she'd said... and confused because of why she said it.

"Rey..." I wiped the sleeve across my face. "I've never you what you'd be better off with or without in your life have I? With the exception of more sleep... Food... water and occasionally a little more fun, right? Which we both know you'd have forgotten about if I'd let you."

I started walking towards the ledge at the base of the window, hoping she would follow me and sit down too. I could see she was hurting.

"Because you... you don't need any help making choices about who should be in your life. If you don't want me to part of yours... I'll try to respect that. But don't think for one second that I'll be better for it. I don't want a new life. I couldn't have one even if I did... I don't deserve one, I have caused pain, I've taken lives... I failed to save lives anytime I had a chance to." I looked up at her.

"Every time, Rey... except for one. And that's why it won't be easy to just..." I shook my lungs felt like they were being squeezed.

"Walk away... because I'm kind of invested in trying to keep you alive. Even though I know you can do that all by yourself. So, there's no world where it's best for me. But if all I do is cause you pain... then... I'll... keep my distance. I'll try... I'll get another room and you can move to the room with the girls, you should be with them... they miss you and you'll sleep better. If I'm the reason you're staying away; I can... I can do that."

•— Raven —•

I took a step back because his words hit like a slap in the face after a ice cold shower.

Which world had he been living in all this time? Hadn’t he seen the way the rest of us took to him the moment he opened up? How everyone came home for dinner because of him, how they all had memories from the island, because of the atmosphere he had created?

He’d went to sit, it for some reason felt like he wanted me to join him? After what I’ve just said, he still wanted to talk to me? To be here, to tell me that he wasn’t better off without me? this boy had to be a glutton for punishment. There was no other explanation for it, right?

Walking over tentatively, I took a seat beside him facing forward. Thinking about my own words before replying.

“Not a single one of us has clean hands. Not one of us can hold out a hand and say, ‘I’m clean of any wrong doing.’ Well… maybe Monty….” Shaking my head before my was digressing now.

“You keep saying that you don’t deserve things. And yeah. I’m the first one to tell you when you fuck up. And Murphy… you royally fuck up every step of the way.” Now I turned my head to look at him.

“I am not taking your room; I’m not taking you from the two people who are keeping you safe. And I’m not staying away because of you… I’m staying away….”  I couldn’t say it.. I knew he’d fight me over it. But it was true.

•— John —•

The was a deep satisfaction when she came to sit down. Knowing that in some way she still responded to me, even if she wasn't sure why. That there were still small ways I could look after her without knowing I was doing it.

It I was giving myself too much credit and she just felt like sitting down. It was a comforting illusion for the second it had lasted though.

“That's not the point Rey... You know that... Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will. But that doesn't let off hook for the things I did. I have to pay the price for it... Whether I'm locked up or not.”

I turned when I felt her eyes in me. “You wouldn't be taking anything... I'm offering it willing. And #Luna and #Emori could use the deep with me...” I shrugged... I hadn't meant to let that slip.

I lightly bumped my shoulder against hers. “It's okay. You don't have to tell me. But... I wish...” I inhaled deeply and blow out the breath. “I really wish that you 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 to Raven.” Something deep in the pit of my stomach burned. I wanted to know...

I needed to know why, to know if I could fix this. To know if it was because of Miles Fucking Shaw.

•— Raven —•

‘Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will.’

Did John Murphy know just how true his words were right now?  However, I knew he believed it was him who didn’t deserve the redemption. When in truth…. It was me.

The bump to my shoulder catapulted me back to the night he hidden the good bottles of wine and brought them out for me to drink by the pool. How he had made me sit with my feet in the water so that the pain would lessen.

I shook the memory off. “It’s not the want…. It’s the burden of something no one needs.” Rising my eyebrows at him. “What do you mean?” Where his nightmares back? “Are… your... nightmares back?”

•— John —•

“It’s not a burden Rey... But I would like to know why nothing seems to be able to bridge the gap between us... And I know that made it, but...” I shook my head, why we're words so fucking elusive?

“I know I haven't earned it...” I knew what needed to do... I needed to lay it out there. Like I did that first night on the island when I screamed at her to just let me help her.

Thankfully I didn’t need to scream this time, I was just too exhausted. I was always exhausted lately. “I miss you... If you aren't staying away because of me... Then you're either staying away from me or for a reason I can't fix... And I don't know what to do if that's the case.”

I dragged my hand through my hair. Flashes of the dreams; finding Raven dead in a tank... Or not finding her at all... I flinched.

“Yeah...” I nodded slowly. “Aren't you?” I knew they were. I had seen it myself.

•— Raven —•

Leaning back, I dropped my head onto the cold inner wall of the ship. Closing my tired eyes thinking how or if I even wanted to share. We were so bloody broken… all of us… that I didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t move when I heard him say he missed me. Because that was like saying he missed death.

“I just need space. I had a mission, a reason for being. I had…” opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling. “I had an end date. And then… everything got taken out of my hands. Every wrong step I took brought us back up here.”

My chest felt tight. “I’m not a good person to be around anymore. It’s better for everyone.” Frowning my eyes moved to him. “It’s this place. Being up here. It’s the reason they are back. And I brought you up here.”

•— John —•

Another dark light escaped me... “Yeah that's another conversation we need to have... I thought we had a deal, Reyes. I let myself start to care about you, won't can you alive long enough to save us all... And then you were supposed to die...” I shrugged at how ridiculous it sounded... But at the same time it rang true. But I had let myself fall too far.

“But here we are... I did my part and you...” I laughed now not so darkly. I knew I could get slapped for it, but I tugged on her sleeve and shifted closer to her. Letting her lie against my arm instead. “You’ll hurt yourself... But you have to realise how insane that sounds right? You brought us up here because Jaha tried to kill us all.

Again.

We’re both here, we’re both alive. And I know for a fact that you are wrong about being a bad person to be around. you aren't wrong often, Raven. But when you are... You do it thoroughly... Which is classic Raven Reyes style.”

•— Raven —•

“Sorry to disappoint you. What can I say? We all knew how much of an overachiever I was born to be. I even won the race against death itself.”

When he tugged me closer, I allowed it. Because that was something I recognised, a conflict between the us now versus the us before this shit show went to hell.

“Insane?” Shaking my head slightly because was it really? “Sometimes the most important parts of us can feel insane, but then… the truth is something everyone still don’t like to see.” He didn’t see me in the same light I saw myself. But then it was the same the other way around too.

I rubbed my hands down my thighs gripping on at the mention of #Jaha. That man… he’ll wasn’t going to be his final destination.

“Overachiever,…. Remember…. If I plan to mess up… I will do it royally.” Sighing I rubbed my leg again. The fact that the two of us were sitting here. Talking…. Listening…. It was a start, right?

“Why is it you see the good in me when I show you the bad and the ugly. But… you refuse to see the same in yourself?”

•— John —•

I chuckled. She was so stubborn. But she wasn't shoving away from me. “You didn't mess up, Raven.” I said quietly. “All the people I love would be dead if you didn't save yourself. You’re the reason I still have family.” I didn’t add that there was part of that family missing because it was pathetic and a guilt trip she really didn't need right now.

“I had started to...” I had started seeing myself through her eyes. “And then... I just...” blew it all up? Royally! “I don't know... Maybe I was deluding myself. But there's nothing ugly about you, Raven.” I smirked. “Unless you count the way you drool when you're in a coma.” I made a mock hissing sound. “Not a pretty sight.”

•— Raven —•

That…. Hurt…. Like a BITCH!

Because in all honesty if he truly felt as though he was deluding himself, that meant the John I grew to care about and call a friend…. He never existed.

Stinging began to prickle behind my eyes, and I laughed turning my head away to hide until I could be sure I was under control.

“I wouldn’t have let anyone keep you and your family apart.” Swallowing the lump in my throat. “They know you and care for you.” And maybe it was all for the best. Had I made him act differently to survive? Was that all his way to make sure he stayed alive?

I laughed again. I couldn’t blame him, and I wouldn’t. "Jok of, Mofi…. I do not drool. And if I did… it would be sexy at hells.”

•— John —•

I she was shifting against my arm, making me newly aware of how close we were again. It was one step close to how things were, and maybe it wouldn't last beyond this moment... But maybe it would. Just in case... I memorize every detail.

"Raven." I whispered. "I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you... but in the interest of honesty... which I think is what you want from me..." I took a breath. "With this space between us... my family s apart. And I'm not saying that to get you to come and stay with us or anything like that, not unless you want to.  I just mean this... broken... whatever the hell it is between us. I know everything is different here... but I also don't believe that the only reason we were able to become friends was because you thought you'd be dead soon, so let yourself get close to me."

My chest tightened, had I said too much? But it was true... I knew it was possible, but if I let myself believe it was true then there was no hope of ever having this woman back in my life. I wasn't ready to accept that.

•— Raven —•

Blinking my eyes while I couldn’t believe I heard him correctly right now. He hadn’t meant that, right.

“You keep trying to cut yourself off from your family.” I told him. “Family doesn’t have to be liked. We all just show up for one another. Until you discard them.” taking a deep breath. “It’s what I’ve been telling you from the start. But you never trusted me enough to believe me.”

Rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“I really need another drink.” Thing time I looked to him. “I didn’t mean that our friendship was only due to the fact that I was dying. I mean. I’m sure there were times you wanted to bring my death closer, and I couldn’t blame you for it.”

•— John —•

l opened my mouth to talk, but I wasn't sure what to say, she was right. "I know. But... It's not intentional, I think I'm doing the right thing... I think I'm protecting the people I care about. Next thing I know I'm being thrown in the Brig, reading graffiti about #Shaw snitching on his crew."

It was low blow, but it felt good. I cringed when it sunk in. I’d just done it again. "And I just can't seem to stop." I scoffed at her statement about a drink. "I hope #Monty and #Jasper finds some time to make a still soon. "

I paused thinking about those moments on the island when it felt life, she was trying to make me crazy. "Maybe not kill you... " I chuckled. "But I won't lie, the temptation to reaper stick you was hard to resist sometimes.”

•— Raven —•

“You know it’s why our friendship worked down there. You told me your crazy ideas and I talked you into doing them a better way…. Except for Monty’s room. I’m not giving you any credit for that.”

Adding a joke into the equation happens naturally as it used to on the island. “Speaking of.” I turned to face him now. “What did you think was the end game with that move which got you in the brig? Did you even think that plan through?”

Should I tell him I had been told what happened to him in there after I left? “I’m… sorry… I pushed to the point where only a reaper stick was the answer.”

•— John —•

I laughed. "We really did have some good times, didn't we? And I can give you the credit for that one you elevated that prank to the next level. All I did was crack his password."

I looked down at the floor and tried not to smirk... "Oh I thought it through.  I was just going to hold up somewhere defensible and wait for you to save the day. I thought that was obvious."

I nudged her again with my shoulder. "I wasn't serious Raven. Apart from a time or two when I thought that you would never sleep, But I never would have done really... apart from the seizures." I didn't want to bring up ALIE.

That had been the ultimate violation, she didn't need a reminder of it.

•— Raven —•

“Wait…” Frowning as I let that little information settle into my mind. “Your big plan of action was to get a weapon, and hide up with Emori and Luna until I fixed the mess?” Okay. It wasn’t the best plan he had come up with since I knew him. “What part of that plan was about taking over and attacking everyone on this ship?”

Why had I been told and believed that he would take things into his own hands? He was just trying to hide until the mess with the others was cleaned up?

Shaking my head. “Payback. It’s a bitch and she is coming for you. I don’t care if you were trying to make me sleep.” I didn’t really care about the reapers. Well, not now. At the time, I wanted to kill him when he stuck me with one.

•— John —•

I and ran my hand over my face… hearing it asked like that made it sound even more ridiculous.

“None of it.” I laughed. “But Lt. Soldier Boy -“ I gave a mock salute. “Started throwing around the word mutiny and tossed me in the cell. Jackson and Harper were there… they’ll tell you exactly what I said. They thought I was an idiot… but they also tried to stop #Shaw.”

I shuddered a little. I didn’t want to think about it. “But…. I didn’t hit him… so I get points for that right?” I was pathetic that the easiest part or that memory was being man handled through the ship.

•— Raven —•

Pushing his hand down from the so-called salute he was attempting, the crease between my eyebrows was prominent. “This makes no sense at all.” Muttering it to myself as I let the parts of the two stories fall into place.

 “Miles isn’t the type to run off on the deep end.” and yet I believed what John was saying. The fact that he wanted to take over the ship was the side that wasn’t connecting for me.

“And the bloody in the cell?” I asked him. “If you didn’t hit Miles… he hit you?” Again, I was missing something here.

•— John —•

"How well can you know the guy really?" I raised a brow and started again before she could answer. I really did not wanna know the answer to that question, and I had no right to it either.

"All I know is the second that I started looking for #Jasper he twisted my arm behind my back and boom I'm locked up."

I cleared my throat... the blood... shit...  how did she?... "You went back to the cell?"

•— Raven —•

“You know how well I know him. We were the ones to wake him up. To break the news how much time had passed since they were in there… we were the ones who lost part of his team… he is going through a lot…” Sure, I felt guilty about the lives we lost, and everything #Miles and #Lizzy had lost. And they were still helping us.

“Of course, I went to the cells. As soon as I heard I went to the cells… but..” I worked my fingers. “I was too late again…” I was failing him and the others so much these days.

•— John —•

I hadn't realised there more of the original crew member in cry than the ones that were still on board... “I'm not so sure he was best friends with his crewmates. Not according to a graffiti in that cell...”

I sighed... I knew that if it was #Shaw that told I was certain heard a cock-eyed version on the events.

“The blood... Wasn't a big deal. I cut my hand.  But I’m sorry... I know you had more important things to do than run around after me.” my eyes were on the table between us. I couldn't meet her... An uneasy sense of shame wound it's way around my chest and squeezed.

I knew their plenty of things about me for people to dislike... Even hate... But this new addition of me being crazy was one I hoped she wouldn't need to see.

•— Raven —•

“You don’t have to like someone or be liked by them to feel their loss. They all went through something in their time, on this ship. Together they loved it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly too.”

I hadn’t expected John to be so judgmental. Making a note to check the cells put to see what was written in there.

“Please don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have left you in there. I shouldn’t have turned my back and walked away from you like that.” My eyes watched closely as I spoke now.

“You just cut yourself? In the cell? And there nothing more to it? And here I thought we were being serious about honesty between us.”

•— John —•

I shook my head... I had nothing good to say about Miles right now, so I let that comment go.

"That's not..." I stopped myself. "Look, I won't lie... at the time that's what I thought you were doing. But I wasn't... I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm not going to lie to you, But I didn't want you worrying or thinking..." I didn't say I didn't want her to think I was a total nut job.

"I had a bit of a panic attack, and I ended up cutting my hands. But it wasn't a big deal, no stitches or anything. It's not gonna happen again so there's nothing to worry about.”

•— Raven —•

Another slap In The face. That’s what I was feeling now. At this rate there wasn’t going to be anything left to heal and fix.

Maybe he was right, maybe there was nothing left between us to be fixed? I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame him for what he felt. Fuck. It’s what I felt “By you said not to worry, it does the opposite. You know that, right?”

Shame filling me light a led balloon in this moment. “A panic attack? As strong as the one you told me about in the bunker? The one of the island?”

•— John —•

“I know.” I combed my fingers though my hair. “I remember being on the other of that line…” My gaze fixed on her. “So, I know how it feels. But I’ll… do  what I have to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Even if that meant therapy sessions with #Jackson. I shook my head then. “No… it was nothing like that.” Should I tell her? She was worried anyway… maybe the unknown was scarier to her than anything else. “It was… like I couldn’t breathe, almost as though someone was squeezing the air out of my lungs and…” I ran my hand over my chest at memory. “I think I was afraid it was a heart attack or something crazy like that. I thought I was going to die, and I was afraid to… in the bunker I wanted to… but now? I have too much to lose.”

I locked my blue eyes on hers. “Raven, you know that I know you’d never have believed you’d leave me in there, right? Not if I wasn’t freaking out… it was… it was like some else took over my though thought process and no one in the world was on my side.” It was how I left when they hung me, when I was banished… when the grounders caught me. “Even when Luna grabbed me, I thought she was going to hurt me… until Jasper… I don’t know what he did. But he stopped it.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes stung listening to what he went through. The image of watching him on the beach by that small bunker, the celerity I witnessed without him knowing. It all came rushing back to me.

Swallowing the humongous lump in my throat, my voice broke when I spoke. “I’m so sorry that I allowed you to be in a place where you felt this way.” Dropping my eyes, because I couldn’t face him seeing the same exuding from mine.

“You say you didn’t believe it, however the darkness in you did. So… some part of you lost faith… faith and trust.. the two things that are the most important things in our lives. The two things we work so hard to protect.” I had fucked up so badly. I really didn’t have the right to ask him to forgive me.

•— John —•

“I never would have known to call it a panic attack… not that I hadn’t ever heard of them. I guess maybe it felt like admitting weakness.” I sighed I wanted to reach out and lay my hand on hands.

“I guess maybe I am small idea what it was like from having this thing in your mind. Twisting the shape of your thoughts against your will. I mean it’s different, you mind was violated… mines just… broken. But I know you Raven, when my thoughts are mine, I know you wouldn’t do that. So, I’m the one that should be sorry, for letting my faith in in you waver.”

•— Raven —•

Damn. I knew these feeling so well. Reaching out finally I told his hand closest to me, curling my fingers around his and squeezing tight. Letting him know I was right here.

“We’ve had so much happening to us in our short lives, that it would be a miracle if someone came out unbroken.” Allowing myself to think before continuing.

“However, broken isn’t a word I like. Being violated… is a good way to explain it. When you feel like you are a bystander in your own life, with your own actions. When you can hear and see, but the doing is out of your hands.” I squeezed his hand again.

“You have nothing to apologise for. We… I… you….” Shaking my head again. “How can I help you? You were there in my times of darkness, you held me and stopped me from hurting myself and others… let me do the same for you?”

•— John —•

Breathing was suddenly easier, even if he acts like her taking my hand. She had been tortured too... But it was much worse than what happened to me. They used her own memories to hurt her, every painful thing that happened to her all at once.

“I wasn’t there for the worst of it. But... I’ll never regret dragging you out of that bed in Arkadia.” I ran my hand over my face and reached out with my free hand to clasp hers between both of mine.

“You’re already doing it, Raven.” I squeezed her hand like shed squeezed mine. “This gapping hole between us makes me feel hopeless... But when we can talk like this... I feel... Maybe... Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can... Be... Better.”

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes were on our hands. The fact that we sat here holding one another together without needing to feel anything that was pure was a new chapter.

“Maybe you should, would have saved yourself being punched, kicked, shot at, being eaten by a sea monster, and shot at some more.”  Mentioning the torture was just too dark for this moment.

“Can we…” I started but stopped. “Remember when I told you on the island you need to be better for yourself? Not for anyone else? That still stands.” Dragging my eyes to meet his again.

“Can we…” I tried again. “Can we… try again?”

•— John —•

“I would don't all again, Stargrazer...” gave her a real smile, even if my soul still felt heavy. Easier to bear in this moment... But heavy.

“Only because I can take some of get credit from saving the human race... Because if you died there, we all be dead now...” I was teasing but it was sort of true... Not that I would ever claim credit and mean it.

“And... It is for me, Raven. It is... It's what I want, it's who I want to be, but I can't do it without your help. I've tried... I'm trying but every decision I make is the wrong one.” My blue, stinging eyes locked on hers.

“That’s all I want Raven… I know it’s too much to ask, but if you can forgive me and try this again… I swear I’ll prove myself. I won’t let you down again.” The corners of my vision blurred and the fought the to blink, knowing it would cause the tears to fall, even though it made my eyes burn.

•— Raven —•

Knocking my shoulder into his, my lips curled up into a smile even if it didn’t reach my eyes.

“No, you wouldn’t. You would never take credit. It would show people you care, and you cannot have that out in the ether.” I saw him, at least I thought I had. The boy on the island cared for others. He just needed to see people cared for him too.

Shaking my head, a little as I listened to him. “You’re not making the wrong decisions, it’s… we’ll… it’s just the way you try to execute the plan. Saving those you love. Good thing… making others think you want to leave them to die. Bad choice.”

My eyes darted across his face, watching, telling him in. He wanted the same. “Let’s close the door on what happened?” It would be damn hard for me not to think I let them down. But I would try. “A new chapter, with both of us making better decisions?”

•— John —•

"When people know you care they start to expect things from you.” I chuckled.

It stung to hear that but, I knew it was true. "I never wanted you or anyone else on that island to think that. That was why l got Jasper involved. But I get that it looked like that... And looking back now all can think of was that I probably would have gotten #Emori and myself killed.”

I squeezed her hand again. "A new chapter." is mined at her. "I don't think anyone's ever given me that chance before."

•— Raven —•

“Is that why you did it? Because you thought I expected something from you?” Did I? Did i expect him to give me something? Was I the one who pushed him to becoming whatever thing has become between us?

My eyes drop to our hands, we still held one another in place. But neither of us had let go. “It’s the least you do for those how cared for you. For those you call a friend. Second chances with no stings. We do our best. We fight, we make up. But we never give up.”

There it was… is given up a little…

•— John —•

"No... I mean... I don't think so..." Honestly, looking back I had no idea what I was feeling back then. All I knew now was how overwhelmingly stupid I was. "#Emori was really... really afraid. And she's like you in some ways, you know... I'd never seen her afraid before and I just wanted her too not be afraid anymore." I tightened my grip a little because it soothed that feeling in my chest of remembering how scared she had been.

I chuckled a little. "I'm glad to hear that... because I know I just told you I would leave you alone if you really wanted me too... But honestly... I don't think I could have. So, thank you... for saving me from breaking another promise to you."

•— Raven —•

Nodding my head I understood. The why he did it was never the issue for me. It had been the how. And sure… maybe some part of my hurt to see them all try to leave by leaving me a four line ‘Don’t die’, note after I had just died and saved my own life.

Sucking in a deep slow breath, because thinking of it all brought feelings and emotions back to the surface I didn’t want to think about.

“Well.. you know I’m here to serve. Whatever all of you need. I will deliver.” Giving him a small two finger salute with my free hand.

•— John —•

I watched my mind cycle into the dark and back out again, I knew I had hurt her… but now, seeing how much I hurt her… meant she had to have cared about me more than I had known.

“How come you get to do the sarcastic salute and I don’t?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. She still hadn’t pulled her hand free. “Not serve, Stargrazer. Save. You saved me… and not from Priamfaya or… not just from that. Long before then.

•— Raven —•

“Because I came this look damn good.” Knocking into his shoulder a little. “Why else.” Shaking my head. And then nodding it.

“Aren’t they one and the same? To server is to save when it comes to our now ship full of people.” Leaning forward a little I shifted myself.

•— John —•

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “You may be right… but you can right and full of yourself at once you know!” I teased her. Feeling lighter even as I turned pale blue eye on her.

“No, Raven… no it’s not the same. You choose to save people; you don’t do it because you should or because you have to. You are human… that means you are capable of choosing to only help yourself…. But because you are Raven Reyes… you choose to Damn near kill yourself the save as many people as you can. That’s not  service, it’s heroism.”

•— Raven —•

My heart quickened, mouth dried and eyebrows pulled to show that v indent between them. None of what he said felt real. He wasn’t talking about me. No… no… no. I had made so many mistakes, so many people had died because of me. And I was selfish. I had removed the code from the fear of death, when it could have helped me… maybe… find another way, where we weren’t up here.

But I didn’t say anything. Because this was John. He saw something I didn’t. So, I half smiled. “Raven Reyes… Stargazer!” Correcting him. “Don’t forget the stargazer.”

•— John —•

I made my way around the table and stop next to her. Only releasing her hand when l could put my term around her shoulder and squeezed. Feeling braver now.

"You'll always be the Stargazer to me, always."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes followed his steps around the table. Feeling the coolness once our hands came apart. Only then remembering how I’d been holding his.

Half smiling and then laughing a little. “Sure thing, Watcher. Nothing will stop us from here.” Winking as his arm held me.

•— John —•

There it was. That nickname she gave me after I’d revealed too much of myself, choosing the people to come with us to rescue Octavia and some of her (new) people. Showing her how I had everyone marked for their strength and weaknesses.

There it was.

Hope.

The thing I only felt standing at her side… metaphorically… and I supposed figuratively right now. “Have faith, Stargazer… because I do.”

•— Raven —•

“Did my ears hear your correctly? Did John Murphy just say he has faith? Cut me off the moonshine.” Well, soon there wouldn’t be any left so it wouldn’t be difficult. Half smiling, I let my head drop forward. Gazing down at the ships floor.

“Jokes aside… we need to do better.” Something has been saying since coming to #Becca’s island. “I know it’s hard for the two of use to trust and say what we think. But we need to do better.”

•— John —•

I laughed, even smiled at her. "If you can forgive me for all the shit, I pulled... Then anything is possible, Raven." I took my arms back and leaned on the table. This was still how, and l wasn't ready to break it again by pushing boundaries.

"It's not hard to trust your, Raven." l said softly. "It was at first. Not because of anything you did.“ It wasn't a lie to say that we had both done things to the other that would justify mistrust. But that wasn’t the difficulty I had.

“I lived my life with nothing to lose… nothing other than my life… and allowing myself to trust someone… meant I could lose that trust… or worse that person.” I turned my pale gaze on her again. “But if you can take the risk of trusting me again… I can have a little hope.”

•— Raven —•

My gaze caught his and didn’t let go, I needed him to know I was sitting here with all my cards face up on this table. That I was all in if he was. And that I knew it wasn’t easy, what I asked of him.

“It doesn’t have to happen overnight. If you need your space and time. “I’m not going anywhere.” Pointed around us. There was nowhere to go from here. “I don’t want to be that pushy person who wants everyone to get alone, it doesn’t pay off in the end.” I’d learning that lesson.

“So, take your time. Trust that you will be fine, and that losing someone, as hard as it is. There is a way to go on. We’ve all done it here.”

•— John —•

“I'm not so sure about that, Stargazer... I was pretty pushy, and it seems to have paid off.” I chuckled. Feeling a little lighter by the second. “I think too much space was our problem... We seem to work best when we're under each other's feet....” I nudged her with my elbow. “Or at each other's throats.” I laughed.

“I haven't lost anyone for real since... Well, I never let myself have anyone to lose until you and Emori and Luna... I almost lost you while you were still standing right in front of me... So no, I don’t want space or time... I just want to make up the time we lost.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes found his face again. He was using the Nick name now. That had to be progress, right? “More like under my skin.” It was said  tongue and cheek of course.

Because in all honesty I knew he was correct. “Space doesn’t do us much good.” Nodding my head and nudging right back. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

He was the one to say he didn’t want space. So…. “Where do we go from here?”

•— John —•

"You'll have to wine and dine me if you want under my skin, Rey." I chuckled... but I knew that she would never mean it like that. But it was how I had always teased her and I right now her friendship was what I needed most.

 Offered her a smile. "We don't need to go anywhere, Raven. We've come home."

I laughed a little... looking around. "It's not as pretty as the last one." I put my hand on her back and led her out of the room with a view of the burning planet to the other side of the ship... Down two hallways and into a disused room... the window here was large too.

"But it has a pretty nice view... if you know where to look."

•— Raven —•

“You wish John, I’m not sure I could afford to wine and dine you.” Scoffing at him. I followed him as he led me away from the window. But not without taking one last glance back over my shoulder. The ship was quite, no one watching us or wondering what was happening,even if I knew some would be happy to see the two of us in the same space without fireworks going off.

“Where are yo—“ My words melted away with the big window came before me and my feet took me right to it. My eyes stung a little.

“You somehow always find the beauty when I think there is none.” He has done it the day I was mad at him on the island for upsetting #Luna. And he showed me what #Becca had hiding in the gardens.

Those statues and roses locked away in my memory banks. “It’s beautiful.”

•— John —•

“Not sure we’ll ever see wine again...” I chuckled. But that wasn't entirely true. I ignored her protests and just grinned.

“I like to know my surroundings.” I smiled... “Unfortunately.... Most of the room on this ship are locked... But I did find this little gem.”

I stayed quite a while and let her enjoy the view.

“I knew that you’d appreciate the view.” I spoke softly and told myself I didn't notice the way the moonlight lit up the gold flecks in her hazel eyes and cheekbones... Her features had softened on the Island, her cheek filling with the healthy glow of not-starving. It was fading again... Faster than she had regained it.

Before I knew it, I was gently brushing the back of my fingers along her cheek. “I need you to start eating again, Stargazer. Not more than you share, or anyone else... Just the rations everyone else gets. Please?”

Baby blue eyes lifting to meet hers.

•— Raven —•

The darkness was never ending, one in which I had spent the first part of my life living, but not I knew a different world, a different view, I’ve breathed air that hadn’t been recycled.

And yet… there was a familiarity up here which I hadn’t felt down there. The moon felt closer, as though reaching out to it would be possible. When I felt his presence closer, I broke my gaze away to find him looking at me. Really… looking. Before I could ask what was wrong his fingers touched my face and I froze.

His eyes were lost somewhere seeing me in a way I couldn’t translate. But the way in which he looked had my chest constricting. I parted my lips to speak, to answer a question but it wasn’t the one he asked. And when his baby blue eyes found mine. I just nodded slowly.

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” I whispered, “I just forget, or don’t feel hungry.”

Not saying that I was worried that I was going into some form of depression. Or Hyperactivity where the world around me stops existing. And after effect of living with the code in my head for so long. It was life. I just had to get on with it. I didn’t have time to question it.

“Can I trust you with the master code?” I asked taking a step back. “To the doors…”

•— John —•

“I know.” I whispered. Pulling my hand back, slowly, unwillingly. “That’s why I’ll remind you… when you do forget.” It was the least I could do after everything she’d done for me.

There was more… so much left unsaid. But I had no idea what it could be. Eating was only one thing. I knew she wasn’t sleeping either. But at least now I could try to help her.

“I don’t think Officer #Shaw would like that.” I chuckled, accepting the change in subject because we were both so tired now. And fully knowing he was a lieutenant. “He likes you… that probably works in favour of everyone you saved. I don’t think we should risk pissing him off. He definitely doesn’t like me.”

•— Raven —•

Letting out a small sigh, there was the other topic I needed to touch. However, I’d not planned for it to happen tonight and not here. But now was as good as a time of any. “Lieutenant Miles Shaw, Watcher. And you damn well know it.” My voice even and calm.

“Are you going to let me into the secret or not?” I asked. “What has Miles done to get on your bad side?” He had been nothing but kind to us, I’d taken over his ship, demanded we save all these people, people he didn’t even know. And he didn’t once think twice. He was kind hearted. But John and he just clashed. But why?

•— John —•

I chuckled... "Does it even matter? The United States stopped existing two hundred years ago." I smiled at her a little glint in my pale blue eyes. The moonlight was still making her skin glow faintly.

"Other than throw me into the brig?" I laughed and found a grate to pull over close to the window so we could sit on it and watch the universe go by.

I froze when she asked me my secret... telling her that now would be the end of all the progress we had made today. I knew that she would never feel the same about me... I was making peace with that. I just needed to be part of her life... and I would do that on whatever term worked for her. As long as I was part of her world. Then she clarified... I shook my head and laughed.

"That's not a secret, Rey... I don't like the way he looks at you... He's a creep... And... before I found you here, I went to your room, and he was lurking around in the hallway... I don't trust him, Raven. I can't explain it, but there's something about him... I know that you trust him, and I don't want to come between the two of us. I just want you to be careful around him."

•— Raven —•

Moving to take a seat, thankful that he found something we could use and still remain close to the view. I wasn’t ready to leave it behind just yet.

Rubbing my forehead, before I shifted to remove the jacket, I was wearing to cushion myself a little and settling down. “John…” that was so much to break down. And where was I even going to start?

“Firstly I’m sure Miles wasn’t lurking.. his room is the one next to mine. Like the next door. So, of course he would be there.”

But I felt a pang of guilt. “He was there?” My eyes moved to the door. Because that would only mean one thing. And I couldn’t tell John about it. It wasn’t my story to share.

“You don’t trust anyone right away, and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to become best friends.”

My face flushed as well. “And how does he look at me? I’ve noticed nothing wrong or untrustworthy from him since I’ve met him.”

Reaching out I patted the space next to me. “Do you think all of this… it’s just because Miles is new to the crew? How can I help you trust him more?

•— John —•

It took all my self-control not to burst out laughing when she said his room was next to hers... I let out an audible sigh. "Of course, he gave you the room next to his." I shook my head holding back laughter. that's..." annoying, frustrating... intolerable... frightening? "Fine..." I barely managed to say without gritting my teeth. I didn't get to tell her what kind of relationships she could have with anyone... even if it did make me want to break his nose.

"But I just think he has a hidden agenda... with you and with Skaikru and the other clans. Until I know what it is I don't think trust is on the table. But I'll make a better effort to not piss him off... for you."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes widened with the shocking realisation of what was happening here. It couldn’t be so…. It at least I kept telling myself that. “John…. Murphy….” Saying his name while pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration.

I wasn’t going to ask… because I knew it really couldn’t be the case. “Let’s play a game, shall we?” Tuning my body to face him again.

“The game is called. Just say it as you see it. And the rules are, we can’t lie.” Sighing I rubbed my hands over my thighs. “I will ask the first question…. What is it you think a man who has been in cryo for over hundred years could possibly want from us?”

•— John —•

I waited for it... braced for it... for her to tell me to mind my own business and say I was jealous... which I need to do and I clearly was, no matter how hard I tried not to be.

I sighed when she asked the question... glad she had said 𝕦𝕤 and not 𝕞𝕖. I stopped in front of the crate. Unclipping the buckles on her brace and loosening them but not removing them... "Might as well take a little break from this... this game could last a while." I chuckled.

"I don't know... but I wouldn't be quick to put the lives of these people in his hands the man did turn on his own crew after all."

I loosened the clasp at her ankle and sat beside her. "My turn... what do you think a man that been in cryo for 100 years wants from the gorgeous woman that woke him up and he subsequently had her move in the room next door to his?"

•— Raven —•

The moment flashed back to the mansion, to John and I sat by the side of the pool and where he always helped to remit and put my back on. Maybe we were truly on the way back to how things used to be?

I didn’t stop him, the moment the buckle was loose and relief was felt. Like the weight of the world had been removed. My lips parted, mouth opening and closing, okay. Maybe I wasn’t imagining things?

“Maybe he wants someone to be a friend. To talk to, to listen? Not everyone thinks with the brain between their legs.” Okay, most men did.

“He didn’t assign the rooms. They were first come. I wasn’t first up.” Frowning a little. “Do you think the only reason I have a room like mine, because someone wants in my pants?”

•— John —•

I smoked a little... She didn't tell me to get lost. We were finally on the right track. I chuckled... “It's entirely possible. All I can speak to is my instincts and usually when guy starts telling the other men in a woman's life to stay away...” I tilted my head and sucked in a breath. “He... Has other intentions. And I have no clue what kind room you have.” I teased. “I haven't been in any good the staterooms.”

I leaned my shoulder against hers. “But if the lieutenant is smart... He wants a whole lot more than just what's in your pants, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

Still frowning, I turned my eyes to the view as I thought over the interactions I’d shared with #MilesShaw. He has been lost, kind, listens to me when I needed to talk over my findings, came to talk to me about his experiences and concerns. But never once had he tried to act inappropriately.

“I think you are reading too much into things.” My body moved by his nudge bringing my eyes back.

“My room is t that different to the others. It just had a couch and a works desk in there. Helps me when I need to keep working on something.”

I’d taken tools and parts back to my room to work on when the others thought I went to sleep. It was also something for me to do when the nightmares became too much to handle. “Oh, so you are pumping me out to the new guy? He is cute and all.” Waggling my eyebrows at him.

•— John —•

I shook my head, either she didn't understand what I was saying... Or she like this guy so much she didn't want to. “I'm not sure how I could more into being told to leave you alone... But you trust him. I'm not going to tell you who you should or shouldn't trust, you're more than capable of making your own choices.” I sighed. I wasn't going to be like #Shaw and try to make those choices for her.

“Ha ha!!” I deadpanned. “No... But... He’d be stupid not to realise your much than a gorgeous woman, Raven... You're intelligent, brave... And   selfless to the point of self-destruction. I could go on, but I wouldn't want to stroke your ego too much.” I chuckled.

•— Raven —•

“Okay.” He wasn’t joking. This was the second time he’d said it. “When did Miles tell you to stay away from me? And why?” Why would Miles do that? I couldn’t grasp the reasoning behind such an act. Not on a ship where there was no getting away from people.

Now I was looking John in his eyes. “That’s an in-depth list you have there. And it’s fair to say the ego is taking notice.” Shaking my head. “You’re being overly nice. I’m nothing more than someone who is a workaholic. The rest just happens.”

I hadn’t known that John had been keeping notes. but why was I surprised? I had giving him the nickname of ‘the watcher.’ He saw it all and forgot nothing.

•— John —•

“Just before I found you.” I explained. “And you’re clever enough to guess why Rey… he knows we’ve known each other a long time, he knows I took care of you when you were sick… and he knows that you came from me before the other hundreds of people you saved.” She had to see what I was getting at. “He wants to make want to make sure his path to you is clear… and he thinks I’m in the way.” I chuckled; it was ironic. Because as much as I wished I was in the way; I knew I wasn’t.

“That’s actually not even half of the things I could say about you.” I laughed.

“Stubborn, sarcastic, ornery, lacking in all senses of self-preservation…. Shall I continue?” I teased.

•— Raven —•

Now he was asking for it. So, I reached out and playful smacked him up the side of his head.

“Stop over thinking so much, I don’t see what you are saying. And not to any other reason but what is before me. John. They have been asleep for so long. They have lost everyone and everything that they knew. We are the first people they have met….”

Biting my lips to stop myself. Because I was walking a faint line now, I couldn’t betray Miles’s trust. And I needed John to know that I trusted him too.

“Two people can be friends, John. Without anything else. But…. If there were anything else. Isn’t that my business? Don’t I have a say in who does or doesn’t have that part of me?”

Why would he think he would need to be out the way? That part didn’t make any sense to me.

•— John —•

“So violent!” I teased her rubbing the spot she smacked. It didn't hurt... And she knew how to throw a punch if she really wanted to.

“I know that Raven... All I can tell you is what I see... I'm telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Just that I think there's more to this guy than he's letting on. I don't want to see you hurt. My only intention was to let you know that this guy who barely knows you thinks it's okay for him to decide who should or shouldn't be allowed the speak to you... I told you were more than capable of telling me to fuck off all by yourself if that's what you wanted. I'm not trying to tell you what to do... I'm just worried about you.”

•— Raven —•

“Just the way you like it.” But the mocking was gone from my voice. I could see where John was coming from, but some part of me kind of hoped I was half good at judging a person’s character?

Okay, I may have messed up a little in the past, but… you live, and you learn right? “Hold your run-away imaginary outcomes here. Nothing is going on. I need you to hear me when I say, thank you for your insight. However, nothing is going on.”

I hadn’t thought about #Miles in that way. “As for why he told you to stay away. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here, huh?”

Shifting a little as I said the next part. Not to hurt him, just to point out the facts. “Maybe Miles thought he was being a friend. Looking out for us, making sure we don’t blow our friendship up even more than it is… was…” He’d seen a lot between us, since waking up.

•— John —•

I shook my head again. She was willing to allow this man to speak for her? It baffled me… She just didn’t want to see any possibility that this guy was up to something. So, I just nodded… “Sure… I’m positive he was only looking out for my best interests and yours too.” I chuckled. “I just wanted you to know the guy seems… dodgy… to me. And now you do. But… not giving people the benefit of the doubt is what’s kept me alive. The last time I did that, the guy I believed kicked the crate out from under me when they put a rope around my neck.”

I rested my hand on her bad knee, gently. “I just want you to be happy… or as close as possible. And I know you’re not right now… but you will be. I promise.”

I didn’t say even that was with him… or on her own. I just wanted to be there to see it.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing the bridge of my nose to hide a small wince I felt shuddering over my body, and my hand. But I stilled myself as soon as I realised what was happening to me. I wasn’t there when he was hung, but I’d heard the story from enough people to understand how messed up it has been. However, it was the fact that he still couldn’t understand me of where I was coming from. So, I lowered my voice and whispered.

“Not giving people the benefits of the doubt … it what broke us.”

It was the truth, if he had trust in us, in me… we wouldn’t have broken to the point where i was certain we couldn’t come back from.

“I hear you; I understand what you are saying. I’m not defending Miles; I’m not saying it was right of him. But what do you want me to do?”

Opening my eye when I felt his hand on the back of my knee. “Would you rather I go in all guns blazing and demand he never speak for me again? Or start accusing him of things? Or …. Or…. What?” My tone so even as I locked eyes with him.

“Tell me what you would like me to do?” I was so tired. So drained. I wanted us all to do better that the mess we had caused by going to earth. This was a new start. The only chance we had to survive.

•— John —•

"It was different with us... we earned it. And I know that we lost it for a while, but I'll fix that. I will." I squeezed her knee gently. more of a rub really because I knew she was hurting.

"I don't think you should do anything... I just..." I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair. Maybe I was doing exactly what Miles was doing, He tried to drive a wedge between her and I. Was trying to do the same to her and him? I certainly sounded like a  classic Murphy move. "I... I shouldn't have said anything."

I took my hand from her knee and took her hand in mine. The one that had been sharing a moment ago. "I want you to tell me what this is about... what's going on with you?" I folded my other hand over the top of hers. "You don't have to tell me... But right now, that all I want to know or... How I can make it better.”

•— Raven —•

My dull hazel eyes were tired or was it that I was tired. Was there a difference? Who even knew anymore? I dropped them to our hands. His fine hand, clasped around my almond bruised and cut one.

He was doing it again. “Please don’t say that. Keeping things from each other, it’s a path I don’t want to walk about. You aren’t the only one who needs to fix things. And not saying your mind won’t help us.”

Slowly my gaze roamed it way back up to meet his, confused at the question he had asked me just now. “What do you mean? What is what about?” by now there were so many things we were juggling in the air. Which one in particular did he want further elaboration on?

•— John —•

“I don’t mean hide it from you… Just… maybe you didn’t need to hear my personal feelings on the guy. I just don’t want to see you hurt.” I remembered how she screamed when #Finn was killed. Our friendship hadn’t begun… in fact, hours before she pointed a gun at me and wanted turn me over instead. But When I heard her scream… part of me wished if had been me tied to that stake instead. A payment for the pain I had already caused pain her.

I lifted my hand to so the bruise on her. “You’re hurt and you’re shaking… even when the pain in your hip and leg are hurting badly you never tremble like that.” I fixed my pale blue gaze on hers. “Please don’t keep anything from me when it come to your health Raven… I looked after you when I thought you were dying, I can handle whatever it is. Please.”

•— Raven —•

We were doing this. The honesty we asked for had to be a two way path, I couldn’t ask it of him and then not give it right back. “You should always tell me what you think. Good or bad, I want to know.”

Shaking my head, a little our eyes met. “You know I won’t get hurt, I’m stronger than you give me credit for.” Of course, he’d noticed, I hadn’t hidden anything.

“It’s nothing.” That was a lie. “I’ve just not been sleeping, I don’t have an appetite, and my friend and I were fighting.” Nudging my shoulder into his. “I just need a little down time.” But it was a luxury I didn’t have time for.

•— John —•

I laughed a little and nodded. "Okay... I promise. So, to summarize. I can't stand him... He's cocky, superior, and I don't trust him... and possibly a little sexist... which I thought only existed in movies and books.I know that you are strong, but that doesn't mean I can't try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about and finished what I had started with her brace and took it off entirely.

"Time to get some sleep, Rey." I knew she didn't want to. The last time I convinced her to sleep she had a bad dream. It was my fault. I knew she slept better when she had someone touching her, holding her hand or touching her shoulder and I let the rift between us keep me from doing that. "It will be okay this time. I promise."

•— Raven —•

Stunned… listening, lol we l because I’d asked for this. However, I hadn’t expected the list to be so long. How much time had these two been spending together anyway? It sounded like this was one of those. ‘Dislike at first sight.’ Situations, maybe? But how could I get to the bottom of it?

“Thank you for your honesty.” What else was there to say? “And yeah… sure… a friends prerogative is to protect. But it’s also to allow your friends to grow too. Maybe we’ve forgotten about that part?”

“What are you doing?” I asked however his actions began to paint the picture while I sat here watching him.

“John…” I shook my head, waving my hand to say ‘No’. “I can’t. This was meant to be a short break. I need to get back to testing each and every one of those beds. We can’t use them without knowing they work.” the make shift bed looked so inviting. The relief of the brace being removed mixed with the pain rushing up and down my leg and into my hip. It would love nothing more than for the weight to be taken off.

And for a moment, in my mind. We were sat by the side of the pool on #Becca’s Island. With a dark sky, everyone asleep. With John kneeling before me removing my brace so he could teach me to float.

“I cannot…” the two words a whisper.

•— John —•

"If you feel like you need to get to know him then I won't get in the way... not that you would let me if I tried."

I chuckled and lifted her legs up onto the makeshift bed, leaving her brae within easy reach. "Raven." I stayed on my knees but straightened up to my full height, so I was eye-to-eye with her. I crooked a finger under her chin. "You are the only person on this ship that can keep it running. Please don't jeopardise that by refusing to take of yourself. There's no emergency. No one is in immediate danger. But what if an airlock fails in two days and you faint before you get there?  " I looked over my shoulder at the moon.

"It's just like the pool." I smiled. Lying on these crates was nothing like floating in the pool. "Looking up at the moon and stars." I sat on the crates and put me arm around her, pulling her down so her head could rest on my lap.  "Just watch the stars, Stargazer. It's the only thing you need to right now."

•— Raven —•

The minute after he lifted my legs up onto the makeshift bed, relief began to pour over my limbs. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility that my legs were going intensely stiff.

“John..” protesting his idea that I had time to waste by sleeping, but then when he pulled me back, spoke of looking up at the moon and starts. I couldn’t help myself. The view from this deck was incredible.

“Resting… for a little while… no sleep.” A yawn escaped and I covered my mouth. “It’s really beautiful here.” I didn’t want to talk about #Miles now. I’d need to work it out, but later.

•— John —•

I chuckled at her yawn the moment she began to consider rest I could see it all racing to catch up with her. "If you insist on no sleep there's nothing, I can do about that." I rested my hand on her arm If she did drift off, she would know without a doubt she wasn't alone. Not Like the last time.

"I don't have any reaper sticks handy." I chuckled, my thumb stroking her arm. I knew even with the coats between her and the hard surface she couldn't be very comfortable... but it was the view that made it perfect for her.

"Just watch the moon pass by Raven. Just the moon and the stars, nothing else matters." I stroked her arm again and whispered as low as I could. "I've got you."

Nothing else existed, no #MilesShaw... no panic attacks, no burning planets. Just the moon, the stars and the Stargazer.

•— Raven —•

Good he understood, I would rest with my friend. A short time. I would lay here watching the moon and the stars and I would just rest. My eyelids began to grow heavier, and heavier, I told myself I would sit up in the next minute and that I would get right back to work. I closed my eyes to blink, and they didn’t open again.

My body hurt, but I felt some warmth coming from him. And I could swear he said ‘I’ve got you.’?

‘Did I need to be protected?’ Was the last thought I had and then nothing.

•— John —•

Tension started to leave her body little by little, sometimes coming back all in a rush, when she was fighting  against the sleep, she insisted she didn’t need.

She was her own worst enemy, even now without the code eating away at her brain she was ready to work herself into an early grave. I had to find some way to her from destroying herself.

I rubbed her arm softly and lifted my hand to brush away a stray strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. My hand came to rest on the place on her upper back, the one spot on her body that I knew wasn’t littered with scars from her life on the ground.

I watched the moonlight shift over her features and begged the universe to keep her nightmares away.

[oktorpg]

New Beginnings with Old Memories- Book 3 – Chapter 2 - Together - SL 07

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 7

𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐁𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜᴘ

        ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

    ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

〄   ❝ 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘴𝘵. ❞ ― 𝙄𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙖 𝙂𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙝𝙞

•— Raven —•

The room was no longer one I wanted to be in. looking from side to side for a walk out however all paths were blocked. The War room of Eligius IV had been converted to accommodate the people who were here to make the key decisions. These were the people who would make or break the time we had to send up in in orbit for the next five years, and it was safe to say that I had less confidence in them now, and I have hope two days ago when we had works so hard to save as many of them as possible.

The conclave had made it so that all those who once wore the mantel of Leader was gone, leaving those who weren’t fit to make choices for their people, and who wouldn’t have been in this room otherwise. Some of them couldn’t see past their own noses to know how-to live-in pace, and a number of times strong words had ended with #Nate and #Bellamy jumping into to set those who threw fists back down in the chairs. Reminding them that their invitations on the table could have been as easily revoked as it was extended.

‘How long will they do this for?’ #Miles stool with his back against the wall just as I was.

I refused to take a seat at the table, I wasn’t going to take away a seat from someone who could end up bring peace to all those living souls on this ship. I wish I could have said the same for #Griffin. #Marcus, #Abby, #Clarke, #Octavia, and #Monty.  all seat around the table. And in my eyes that was four more than the Grounders were being given.

“Hells if I know, it’s not like they have all been living in pace while they had ground beneath their feet. So, if I were guessing. This could take a while.”

Right then #Monty’s voice came from the far side of the room. He pushed up to make his voice travel. ‘We are not trying to hurt anyone. All I am saying… until the farm is up and running, until we can test what is produced, we will not be able to make the supplied starch for too long without people beginning to question why we have come up here. I need time.’

#Indria stood next, with the voiced all trying to speak over one another as translations were being made. ‘They are trying to save all our people. We are all one now. Oso souda kom op ogeda. (We must come together.)

A clan man looking to be in his late 50s stood up in uproar. ‘And you want us to trust these people? They want  to make our people? No… We will not let them kill us up here. We would have been better off on the ground.’

Those words hit me hard like a slap in the face. Had I done wrong by these people? I knew that coming to space, taking their feet off the ground would take some time to adjust. But there were talking of death over a cryosleep?

I was unaware of my reaction until I felt a squeeze on my clenched fist. ‘Breath Raven, he doesn’t know what he is talking about. You did the right thing, and as soon as this guy works it out.’ #Miles whispered it into my ear. ‘Let’s go, we can tell them we have some work to do.’

He tugged my hand out from behind my back and began to push to clear a path for us to leave.

•— John —•

“I hate this.” I murmured, walking the corridors with #Luna and #Emori I thought it was a terrible idea, the so-called Friekdreina and the Blood traitor. But #Luna insisted that we could not hide away between performing the tasks that had been set for us. That if they believed  we were afraid they would target us with more than stares and slurs.

Even I was getting dirty looks from some of the grounders now. I was the reason that their kids were hungry. Only the children of the soldiers and Sangedakru seemed to understand hunger. Someone hissed and purposedly bumped into #Emori. Deliberate and hard, he hissed… actually hissed like a snake. My hand shot out and fisted the front of his shirt yanking him towards me as I through my head and back to head-butt him.

But before I felt the inevitable burst of pain someone grabbed a fistful of my hair and twisted my arm behind my back, pinning me to the wall. “What the fuck #Luna!?” I couldn’t see her. But no one else could move like that.

‘Ban ou.’ (Leave) #Luna said cooly to the man as his friends watched. These people were not warriors, Trikri maybe… but not fighters.

She let me go when the left. I rubbed my cheek where she had plastered me to the wall. My arm didn’t even twinge… I wasn’t sure how that was possible. But my scalp smarted like a bitch, I dragged my hand through my hair. “I thought the whole point of this little parade was to so them we aren’t afraid.” I caught my breath.

#Emori laughed. “You think it's funny.”

‘Hilarious actually… she tossed you like a rag doll.’ She teased.

“Oh yeah, it's really cool when the lethally trained warrior starts pulling hair.” I couldn’t help but laugh with her.

‘We don’t just show them that we are not afraid, we show them how to walk a better path.’ #Luna’s Zen Master routine returned. She turned to #Emori and took her covered hand in both of hers. ‘Yu ste yongon kom sanas… Yu nou muka kom foutaim. Yu’s yuj gon oso aftaim.’ (You are a child of the sands. You are not a stain from the past. You are the strength of our future.)  #Luna told her.

#Emori pulled her hand back. ‘Damn right I am.’ She smirked.

“Oh right… now she gets all  deep and wise… where was that wisdom when you were pulling my hair like a little bitch.” I teased her, keeping the mood #Emori had set. She hated the deep, zen stuff too.

‘All is fair in battle, John.’ #Luna walked on leaving #Emori and me to roll our eyes at each other and follow her.

‘Do you think the meeting is over yet?’ Emori asked.

“No way… they’ll be at for hours. Cryo is the only way… There’s no way an algae farm can sustain us all.”

‘Explain it to us on more time, John?’ Luna asked and I sighed but tried again to explain it  in the simplest way I could which was pretty simple, because the extent of my knowledge was that it preserves your body exactly how it was… and in theory, it could be done indefinitely. I knew very little about the science but all I knew was that when you woke up you felt  like only moments had passed… if you were wounded or sick you would wake up that same way.

•— Raven —•

‘Rey? What are you doing out here, is the meeting over?’ #Harper and #Jax came rushing up the corridor towards #Mile and I.

“No, it’s still going on. I’ve just had enough of it all for now. And it’s not like I was needed in there.”

The exchanges a look, one I didn’t like the feel of. “Why, what’s going on?” They did it again, making the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.

‘We didn’t see it all, but we’ve been told a lot of it by those I have been healing in the med  bay..’ #Jax started. ‘They are simple people, some of them are trouble makers however not them all.’

Holding my hand out, this time #Miles and I were the ones to exchange a look. ‘What are you trying to tell us?’ He asked #Jax. Who gave  the pilot a head to toe glance.

“Jax?” Frustration, quoting my voice now, it had been a long day as it was.

‘ There was an incident just now. With some of the grounders and…’ her looked to #Harper who finished off the sentence.

‘Some of the grounders aren’t being respectful to Emori and Luna. They won’t take the rations if Emori has touched them. They are spiting at Luna’s direction and calling her blood traitor. Calling Emori Friekdreina.’

“Fuck!” Rubbing my  throbbing forehead. We knew there were chances of something like this happening. But there was a hope that togetherness and the fact that we all survived together would have won out on their biased.

‘That’s not all, Murphy was about to  get into a fight. But Luna stopped it before it got out of hand.’

“It just keep getting better and better. I have to go back into the meeting. Marcus has to put a stop to this.” A plan was hatched in my mind as it turned and walked towards the door I had just come out of.

•— John —•

People started to give us a wider berth whispering to each other as we passed. They whispered and looked away… glancing wearily at #Luna. Well, this had gone differently than expected… but if this trend kept up it might just be problem  solved… But still, I didn’t know how long it would be before I could let either of them leave the room alone. They could both handle themselves in a fight, especially #Luna. But there were so many things up here that they didn’t understand… in a fight with another grounder all it would take is for some the hit a wrong button and we could all get sucked out into space.

We turned another corner and stopped in our tracks. #Emori bumping into me. Raven, #Jax, #Harper and #Miles was huddled in conversation. Raven looked pissed.

‘Looks like that meeting didn’t go very well.’ #Luna whispered.

Raven started the walk away and the three of us rushed to the group. “Hey…” I called out. “Is the meeting over? What   happened in there?”

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ ꜱʜᴀᴡ‘ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

Watching Raven Reyes walking away from the rest of us felt wrong, even if she looked like a bat out for blood. I had known this woman for so little time, however I could feel a connection towards her.

You had to be blind now to see her passion for those she cares for, and her need and desire to learn whatever you were willing to share with her.

But right now, her back straight, her hands clenched into fists, they limp in her step was not a handicap. It was a weapon just like the rest of her.

‘𝘐𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦?’

I didn’t recognise the voice until turning around to see the one they called Murphy Stradling up, with  the two women you could never find him without? Arching my brow, and making a note to ask Raven what the deal was there. Were this three in some kind of polyamorous relationship? Was that still a thing?

‘No, it’s not over.’ #Harper whispered to him. ‘And would you keep it down!’ She then hissed. Beckoning the three over.

The taller to the two other girls with the big curly hair asked something, but it was a language I did not understand. With one with the head scarf on spoke too. And again I had no idea what was being said. So, with my arms crossed over my chest and my legs slightly parted I stood there watching them all.

#Harper looked uncomfortable. ‘Shaw would you mind repeating what Rey said before?’ She gave me a half smile.

“Uhm. Yeah. Sure. I can give a summary.” Trying not to look at the Murphy guy, something was off with him. “The groups. Clans? As you call them. They are all fighting for their own groups. The Blake  girl.”

‘Octavia’ #Jackson corrected me.

“Right her. She says that she leads all the clans now. That they are all one.”

Shifting on my feet. “But as we left, I could hear what was being said once Raven left ahead of me… Some of them.. the clans said that there is a true… dark blood?”

‘Night blood’ This time #Harper helped.

“Right. So they want a… fight or something between the two. That only when could there be a true ruler of all.”

All eyes turned to the curly haired girl and then there was silence. My eyes moved up the corridor where she had vanished. “Raven doesn’t want to be in there with all those people fighting. And now.. She’s gone in again.”

‘Why?’ The curly haired one asked. My eyes moved onto her.

“Because she was told that you three are being treated unjustly.” I said dead pan. She had gone back in there for these three.

•— John —•

My blood boiled at the way he watched Raven… He had no I what he was actually seeing as she walked away. Her passion to do what was right, to protect the people she cared about. Her determination and her unwillingness to compromise her moral code to achieve it. She would always find a way that didn’t involve slaughter or abandoning people to die, because to her that was the same thing. And pain… the subtle hints of pain in every single step that wrenched at my guts.

I looked around when Harper told me to be quiet. “Sorry, McIntyre I forgot we're back under Kane’s dictatorships again.” I chuckled. Good luck to him enforcing that with the grounders following Octavia. Who would have ever thought that the butterfly girl/psycho assassin would be a step up?

‘Jon, hod op.” (John, Stop.) she told me and turned to Emori. ‘Yu vout Reivon gaf bak kos yumi? Som op skechi?’ (Do you think Raven has gone back in there because of us?) She asked.

‘Sha… Em’s go  wortrie. Em be get in oso kik raun dison.’ (Yes… She’s on the warpath. She should know that we can take this.) Emori said back and the utter confusion on Miles’ face gave me a spark of joy. #Harper and #Jax had very little Trig, if any at  all, but they weren’t phased by others speaking it anymore.

‘Oktieva Kom Skaikru na dula Lexa Kom Trikru flashpa bilaik fousen…’ #Luna whispered to herself.

I didn’t have to respond before I stepped in front of #Luna, rage seething below  the surface. “Fuck no!” I shouted over their conversation… #Luna’s earlier question was confirmed. “No way! They aren’t throwing her into a death match they can have #Kane.” I knew #Luna could take #Octavia in a conclave…. But she would, she  would die before raising a blade.

‘John calm down.’ #Jackson helps up a placating.

“#Harper? Where are #Monty and #Japser right now?”

‘Monty is in the meeting and Jasper is probably watching the first Algea culture. Why?’

“Fine… Just  Jasper it is then… Let’s go.” I started walking… they followed, even #Shaw, probably out of curiosity.

‘What’s the plan here, John?’ #Emori asked warily… knowing the look I get when I’m plotting.

“Jasper Is going to hack the armoury  locks for us and #Shaw here is going to tell us where the most defensible room on this ship is. And we are keeping them away from Luna until Raven works her magic.” I explained, still walking.

Shaw chuckled darkly and stopped walking. ‘No, he most certainly is not.’ He crossed his arms and I turned to face him, returning his shit-eating grin.

•— Raven —•

With the doors opened both #Clark and #Bellamy looked at the door and my return with worried explanation.

#Octavia banged get fist to the table sending ripples through the room. The jolt of which even made me stop.

What had I missed? Should I have left? They were all fighting over such nonsense, that I knew I could be doing better things with my time. And yet.

‘O, stop. It’s not happening.’ #Abby and a#Inda both said. One in our tongue and the other in trig.

My gaze moved around the room, #Marcus, #Monty, no one would meet my eyes. “What is going on?” I broke the silence.

All the eyes turned in unison upon me. And then the whispers began.

‘She is with her.’

‘They are close. Like sisters.’

‘Use  her, to make it happen.’

My last nerve was being tested. And then it clicked. They were talking about Luna? The moment it dropped, Clark rushed over.

‘It’s not happening Rey, we will not allow it. Luna will not be made to fight.’

“No  fucking way! You people are you going to touch a hair on Luna’s body. And before you think of using me. Remember one thing. I will float myself before I become a weapon in your hands.”

My eyes landed on a face I knew too well. It was the  father of the girl I helped to bring on board. “We are here to live, to survive and not even twenty-four hours into these five years we have to live together you all started this bull shit again? You need to be BETTER! You have to become  BETTER! This is not about life and death up here now. It’s about how WE ALL help to make it to the end.”

I was looking with my hazel eyes locked in him. I was speaking with them all. But I didn’t look away from him.

He stood up to calm  those who were shouting over me now, telling them to sit. So, that meant he has some power.

He asked me in trig. What I would do.

“I would have faith in the people who brought you here. I left those I love to die to make this work. And here we are. Trust in knowing that up here. Like O has said. We are all ONE PEOPLE TOGETHER. Oso Kik Thru, Ogeda!!”

He stood looking at me. Nothing was said for a long while. And then he whispered. ‘Oso Kik Thru, Ogeda.’

•— John —•

I threw my hands up just in time to stop myself from faceplanting into the wall. Something heavy and metal clanged behind me.

‘#Shaw!’ Doc Lite yelled… with more authority than I had ever heard from him. ‘You’re taking this too far.’

I  turned to face them all through the heavy bars of the officers’ brig. ‘Too far?’ He chuckled. ‘Are you serious? He was literally plotting a mutiny, or have you all conveniently developed amnesia?’

‘It was hardly a mutiny… he was just pulling a Murphy.’ #Harper said… was that in my defence?

‘He just wants to protect #Luna.’ #Emori said plainly, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘The people in that room want her to fight to the death with one of their people… maybe even  the other clan leaders.’

#Miles looked from me to Emori to Luna, confused… maybe even a little concerned. ‘He was still plotting a break-in to the armoury… he can stay here until all of this is sorted out. And count himself lucky he isn’t  in the prisoners' cells.’

He turned to leave and slammed my hands against the bars thunked and hummed a high-pitched noise. “Shaw!” I barked. “If anything happens to her because I’m in here… even if she wins… I’ll fucking kill you!”

“SHUT  UP, MURPHY!!” #Harper and #Jackson said in unison. #Emori and #Luna mirrored the sentiment in Trig.

Soldier boy just glared at me. ‘I’m going back in there to find what this insanity about a deathmatch is… Then we can deal with this shit show.’ He waited at the door, wanting the others to leave. No one moved. I smiled to myself.

‘I don’t think you understand how this works… He is in custody He doesn’t get unsupervised time with his potential conspirators. Unless you’d like  to join him in the next cell?’ #Miles condescended… but his logic was undeniable… not that I would ever admit to that. Emori stepped up like she was about to volunteer… or punch him so he would arrest her too. That would have been a sight to see!

“Emori, hod op.” (Emori, wait.) I said. “Ste kamp raun Natblida-de. Ste ogeda.” (Stay with the Nightblood. Stay Together) I didn’t want to use #Luna’s name. Just to confuse the good toy soldier. “Hon Reivon daun… Ste kamp raun em. Bilaik kilr.” (Find Raven. Stay with her. Be safe.)

They were all tilting their hands now. #Luna and #Emori nodded. They filed out slowly, #Miles muttering something about how an idiot like me learns a whole language in such little time.

•— Raven —•

#Marcus, #Abby, #Clarke and sat at their sides of the table. Each one of them on one side, while #Octavia tried to place herself in a neutral zone. She was the commander now, well she was until the grounders all saw #Luna alive and well on this ship.

My hands were against my side fisted up and it wasn’t until I felt the callused hand taking one, in theirs with a whisper in my ear saying. ‘Breathe Rey…  Have a little faith in your plan. This will work out.’

I hadn’t meant to show my emotions, however, it was now clear that I hadn’t hidden my annoyance? #Bellamy had moved himself around to the wall beside me, unfurling my fingers and curling his into them. ‘I’m here. I’m with you.’ He told me and I knew what it meant. If this came to blows, then he would fight beside me.

Time was moving fast and slow all at once as rules were being made to be in place. Until the last one was sat on the table (metaphorically).

‘All people on this ship will be treated as equals.’ They all liked the idea of it. ‘We will all vote and all actions will be taken together.’ #Kane added. Some part of my mind went to the times gone. When this was meant to be how we all lived on the Ark. However, by the time we left that place. People were being floated for any reason.  

One of the leaders who had been in my eyes, made a face. He had been unhappy with a lot of what had been agreed here. And now he had an issue with this rule too?

‘Emori.’ #Nate whispered to #Bellamy and Me. ‘I bet they are all thinking of her.’

‘They can think all they want. I will float them… he stopped feeling me stiffen. ‘I won’t really do it Rey, just feels good to say it.’

The doors opened to the side and #Miles walked in with a stride and a deadpan look on his face. ‘What’s going on?’ #Bellamy asked.

Leaning in he whispered to the three of us and I closed my eyes. “Hells, what is wrong with that boy?” I glanced over the table seeing #Clarke’s eyes on us. The girl noticed everything. She nodded as #Bellamy mouthed to her that we had to go. Leaving #Nate in here with a few of the others he trusted to protect the backs of those who were our family.

〄 〄 〄 〄 〄

Everyone had so much to say in the corridor, they all had their own ideas and their input. Finally, I asked everyone to stay out of the brig as I pushed the door keypad, listening for the sound of the click and the doors open before stepping inside. Stopping just on the brink of the brig I looked and found him behind the locked bars too fast. He kind of looked at home. And that was saying something.

“We aren’t even up here for that long John Murphy. And you are planning a mutiny? Once again, all about your actions, with no faith on what the rest of us are trying to do here I see?” My arms were crossed over my chest, and I held him in my gaze.

•— John —•

When everyone left there was no sound apart from the eerie machine hum… I hated it. This ship didn’t sound at all like the Ark and I missed the sound of wind and rain… Even in the Mansion, you could hear the sounds that a world made just by  existing. Here it was all whirs and clang and occasionally rattles. And any deviations in the patterns could spell death for all of us on board…

That may have been alarmist thinking… but there were logical thoughts in my head too. Like… “We’re in space John… it was only a matter of time before you found yourself in lock up.” I said to myself, I sat on the bench that was shockingly wooden and attached to steel brackets. I paced. I lay on the bed… only one…

“Hmm… officers got their own digs even in lock-up? Fancy.” I turned into the wall and there I saw…

M.S con sympathizer

Scraped into the wall above the bed… “Well, Well… #Shaw ratted out his own men…” I smirked, that was good info to save for a later  date. Minutes stretched by too slowly… there was nothing in here to mark the passage of real-time.

I paced and walked, I sat and stood and paced some more. I knew it was only minutes that went by… it felt like hours. My skin was crawling  like it was covered in eighty-nine days of filth… the air started to smell like stale wine and body odour.

It wasn’t real.

Then just as a voice in the back of my mind replayed the eerie robotic voice… ‘Too many people.’ And my  chest was about to explode the door beeped and swoosh open.

“Raven!” I gasped and rushed to the door of the cell… it was still locked of course. I tried to squash my anxiety as best I could.

“It wasn’t a mutiny I just wanted somewhere secure to hold up with Luna until you found a way to stop this conclave death match bullshit.” I said in rushed, quiet tones. “We both know #Luna preaches peace because if she doesn’t… if she has to fight to defend herself, she will… She’s  conditioned to, she won’t be able to stand there and let them kill her. She WILL kill Octavia and the grounders will make her Heda. It’s her worst nightmare.”

I pushed against the bars.

“Do you think Clarke and Bellamy will let Luna live  if she kills #Octavia? Even if the psycho-assassin agreed to the match. I won’t watch her die too, Raven! Not in a match and in some convenient airlock accident.”

•— Raven —•

The anger that had gathered up in my chest disappeared the moment I saw his face, something was wrong and with a blink of seeing where he was and how he felt about ben locked up. The facts dropped. His eyes, the fear the look of a trapped man in a cage, all his nightmares came to life when he was like this.

Taking a few steps forward, my fingers slipped into my pocket and around the key card that would open the locked bars from around him. Until that is, when he started to speak.

It was light in here, there was nowhere for me to hide the hurt and the fear and the stupidity of this man before me.

“John…” Rubbing at my temple trying to find my words.  “You still haven’t learnt your lesson have you? You still have no faith in the rest of us. You think you are the only one who wants to save Luna, and you think by getting the guns out from a locked safe place is the way to go about it. This is day ONE!” My ager seeping out at the last word. “We have five years of this to go. And you the first opportunity you got. You had NO FAITH that we could control and fix this.”

Taking a step back from him and the locked cage he was stuck behind. “You just went and repeated the same crap you did on the island here. And you think you are trustworthy.” Backing out of the room I pushed the bottom for the door to open. “I’m so done with you Murphy. I’m done with being seen as the enemy.” Because that was what he saw us as. Clarke, Bellamy, Nate, Me… who knows who else he had no trust in.

Backing out to the room, pushing the card into Luna’s chest. “He is all yours. You can do what you want with him. I am done.”   She took a hold of my hand to stop me.

‘Jon ste trana gon sisen, ai stasis.’ (John is trying to help, little sister.) She squeezed the card back into my hand, telling me to go back and free him. ‘Seingeda mour yuj ogeda.’ (Family is stronger together.) she whispers.

Closing my eyes to stop the now deep thudding in my head. “Family also trusts one another. He doesn’t.” This time I pushed the key card back into her hands and started back down the corridor.

‘What does this mean?’ #Jax called out from behind.

“It means, that John Murphy is a fool. Luna and Octavia are safe. And I have work to do.”

•— John —•

(#TriggerWarning: PTSD, Anxiety)

She thought I did this because I didn’t believe in her… But that was the farthest thing from the truth. I did it because I didn’t trust anyone else… “No Raven… you’re not understanding… There are hundreds of  people on this ship and there is only a small handful I trust… I just wanted to keep Luna out of their hands until you could make them see sense.”

She was so angry… I could see it in her eyes as she walked away. When she told #Luna she was  done she meant it. I had burned down the last bridge. I dug my fingers into my hair and muttered to myself. “I was just trying to protect my family.”

When I looked back up she was gone… I squinted through the bars as the room start to tilt  to one side. “Raven… You can’t let them leave me in here!” I rattled the cage door as much as I could, which wasn’t a lot. The bars were solid. #Jasper and #Emori rushed forward.

‘No one is leaving you in here, John. Relax.’ #Jasper said.

Relax? Were they insane? How could anyone relax when all the I was being sucked out of the room until your lungs ached? The world tilted and rocked, my chest was in an invisible voice and there was screaming in my ear blocking out the voice I knew so well with complete strangers.

【 𝔼𝕣𝕚𝕔 𝕁𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕤𝕠𝕟'𝕤 ℙ𝕆𝕍 】

⤷

I saw it start before it happened Murphy’s face flushed, and his chest started to rise and fall too fast. His pupils dilated so wide that the pale colour of his eyes was almost gone. Veins distended in his neck and at his temple. He started mumbling about he couldn’t do it again, he couldn’t survive as he paced the cage I swore I heard him say something about pulling the trigger. I turned to  #MilesShaw “You need to let him out of there.” I told him, I wouldn’t find out until later that he didn’t have the key.

‘No one is letting him out of there like that… The guy is insane!’ He watched John all but break his hands on the metal  bars. The others tried yelling at him to calm down that was when I saw Luna flash a card over the touch panel. ‘Hey stop! You can’t let him out of there like that he’ll hurt someone.’ #Shaw tried to be heard over the others. #Luna was  fighting to restrain John now he wasn’t even forming words anymore. She was trying to keep him from injuring himself.

“He has PTSD… Lieutenant!” I spat a little harshly. “You’d think a former soldier would get that.” He stepped backwards twice But I was rushing into the cell now #Jasper and #Luna were trying to tell him the door was unlocked and he needed to calm down so they could take him out. But he was fighting them, even Luna was struggling to hold him. He was deep in the grips of a panic attack. There were red welts on his cheek from him hitting himself before we got to him. His lip was bleeding… like he might have bitten it. All minor, he had survived much worse.

‘Uh, Jax…’ #Jasper said to my left as I  knelt in front of him. ‘He’s bleeding.’

I was about to tell him not the worry about it until I saw that he wasn’t talking about his lip… blood dripped from his clenched fist, and his fingernails were digging into his palms. “Dammit John. Look at me!” Shouted to get his attention. “You need to breathe, This is a panic attack at will pass, just breathe.”

‘I… Can’t…’ He wasn’t angry anymore he was afraid.

#Jasper shoved in between us and I huffed in annoyance. ‘Hey… listen, John.’ He grabbed one of his hands and leaned in. ‘It feels like a heart attack and like you're drowning all at once, right?’

Murphy nodded, tears on his cheek gasping for air.

‘I’ve been there… but there's a way out. Just look around… Tell me three things you can see.’ John didn’t respond. ‘Trust me John, anything at all you can see.’

He took a breath so he could gasp the word. ‘Bed.’ And looked back to #Jasper. ‘Cage… door.”

‘Good. Now three things you can smell.’ John seemed the stop fighting while his mind scrambled for an answer. ‘Recycled air.’ It took a while to get the words out. ‘Sweat.’ I pressed my fingers to the pulse at his wrist. John inhaled through his nose, his pulse started to  steady. ‘Antiseptic.’ John said… it was probably off of me.

‘Brilliant… Almost there. Name three things you can touch.’ Jasper demanded now. John was sucking in deep, long breaths now.

‘Floor.’ He unclenched his hand and wiped ad bloody  smear on the floor. He looked at #Luna still holding him even though he wasn’t fighting any more. ‘Luna… crappy prison uniform.’ He touched his jumpsuit and we all laughed a little at that.

#Luna helped him sit up and he buried his face  into his hands, unknowingly leaving streaks of blood on his forehead and cheeks. The cuts on his hands were already starting to scab.

‘Better?’ Jasper asked and John just nodded. ‘Good because #Jackson was about to reaper stick you. So I was really hoping that would work… Ready to get out of here?’

John agreed and we helped him up. ‘Where’s Raven?’ Asked like he couldn’t remember.

‘I can go get her if you want?’ #Emori’s voice was smaller than normal.

‘No!’ John answered too fast… ‘She doesn’t need to… I don’t want her to see this. She has enough to do without dealing with my shit too.’

He moved out into the corridor, and I noticed #Shaw was gone too. It took me a long time to convince John to come with me to the med bay… but it was time… this kid was broken and if we didn’t help him soon, we could lose him.

He walked ahead with #Emori and #Jasper, I turned to #Luna with a heavy heart. “Farcry from the boy that stole medicine to save a little girl.” I whispered.

‘No.’ #Luna shook her head, never looking away from them. ‘That is exactly the boy who stole medicine to save a child.’

•— Raven —•

『    ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ ꜱʜᴀᴡ’ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ    』

“These people are crazy! It’s as though I’ve woken up in the twilight zone with no way out.”

Coming to a stop outside the doors of the engineering deck I could see in through the glass windows. To anyone who didn’t know what to look for, the place would seem deserted. But in the days, I’d gotten to know her I could see the tell tail signs that Raven Reyes had gone in and was now working under the transport ship. She had learnt to work around all the equipment and the tools on the deck that I didn’t even know the names off.

Just as I tapped the keypad opening the doors, I had to react fast and duck out of the way because there was a spanner coming for my head.

‘Hells! Why is everything working against me today?’ She was upset, angry and taking it out on whatever came to hand.

“What did the spanner do to upset you?” She stopped in the middle of rolling out from under the ship. Giving me a quizzical look.

‘It’s not a good time Miles.’

I liked the way my name sounded on her lips. The way she unlike everyone else didn’t call me Shaw. There was a friendliness to seeing her beautiful hazel eyes, full of honesty when I could tell everyone else was hiding something from the crew and me.

“I know, I can tell from the way tools are flying.” She looked sheepishly towards the door.

‘I’m sorry. I’m being rude and I don’t mean to be. Its just…’ her eyes were red, as if she had been crying.

“I get it. It’s a lot to deal with, and that Murphy guy isn’t helping himself.

Raven looked lost in her thoughts before she went back to work. ‘He means well. Most of the time. He just doesn’t always look at the consequences of his reactions and actions.’ Now she was defending him? What did he have on her? As I thought it I knew that it was just how this girl was. She would defend anyone to the death.

“Raven, the guy is messed up. He doesn’t know when to stop. Guns on a ship? Could you imagine what could happen if one went off? And now, he is acting like he has PTSD? And he is still willing to walk these close quarters, trying to kill and scare people?”

I wasn’t watching her, but at some point she’d stilled, rolled back out into the open and pulled herself up onto her feet. ‘What do you mean?’ Her voice was clipped now, with a nerve pulsing on her forehead.

Should I tell her? Would this upset her more than he had done so already?

『    ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ’ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ    』

Pushing my way past everyone who walked the corridors, I moved as fast as my leg would allow me. I needed to return back to where I had left John and the others. #Miles had reluctantly shared what had taken place once I left the cells with John still in there. Sure I was mad at him, sure he had once again acted without thinking, But wasn’t that just what John Murphy did? I had been the one in the bunker with him. I saw and heard all his fears. I had witnessed the lost boy on that beach breaking down his walls and I had left him locked in a jail cell on this ship. What was wrong with me?

‘Raven, he isn’t there. They must have taken him out by now.’ #Miles walked beside me having caught up in no time.

“You don’t get it Miles; this is so messed up. I am so messed up.” Pulling at my hair tied back  to keep it out of my way.

‘No, no you didn’t. He was the one who was acting all crazy.’

“He is NOT crazy!” The word came out harsh and to the point. Making #Miles stop before he continued.

‘Okay. Okay. Fine. I get it. But this isn’t on you.’

The doors opened and just as #Miles had said, the cell was empty with no one left behind. The way it should have been when I found him locked up in here. Finding the door of the cell open I stepped inside.

“I messed up. I so messed up.” Closing my eyes, looking up to the ceiling with a feeling of light headedness coming over me. I was tired, I had been fighting for so long on so little sleep. That I couldn’t see John clearly in his moment of need. How was I any different to #Jaha? Hadn’t I just done the very same thing to him?

‘Raven. Please stop.’ #Miles stood outside the cell looking in.

“No Miles. I…” I stopped speaking as I dropped my head and opened my eyes. Looking at the metal floor of the cell to find bloody hand prints. “Was he hurt? Where did this blood come from?”  

•— John —•

[[#TriggerWarning References to PTSD, Anxiety attacks, and torture]]

I was sitting in the chair in the small office #Jackson had claimed after cleaning the cuts on my hands, they were nothing cuts really, they had just bled a lot more than  you’d think looking at them now, with not much more than a band aid covering them. My lip was swollen and there was definitely a lump coming up beneath my left eye, it was throbbing. But not enough to have accepted the painkillers that Doc  Lite tried to make me take.

#Jackson set a cup of water next to me and started talking in the super soft voice that he used on the kids and the dying. I flinched at the sound… remembering how people spoke to me when I was ten and left me to die in the med bay with minimal care.

‘John… do you know what just happened?’ He asked and I laced my fingers together to keep from shaking him and screaming at him to stop talking to me like I was a child. I wasn’t sure I could scream; my throat was raw. So, I kept my gaze on the floor and nodded, yes.

‘Can you tell me what it was?’ He pressed.

“You… said… panic attack.” I answered only because I knew #Emori wouldn’t let me leave until #Jackson gave the okay. She had been  shaken by everything that had gone down.

‘That’s right… Has anything like that ever happened to you before?’ He asked and I looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

“Of course…” I scoffed like he was stupid. “It happens to everyone. It's  over now. I just never had a name for it before.”

‘No, John. No. It doesn’t happen to everyone.’ #Jackson said, and his tone concerned me. ‘Can you tell me how many times it’s happened to you?’

I shrugged… how the hell was I meant to  answer that? I didn’t keep count. “I have no idea… let me check my journal.” I rolled my eyes. Jackson was sipping from a cup of water, and it made my throat feel dry. Was this some kind of subliminal psychology shit?

Dammit! I picked up  the cup and drained it. It was working. Jackson stood to refill the cup. “More than two?” He asked and walked back with the cup.

I nodded.

‘More than five?’ he pressed. I nodded again.

‘Ten?’

I shook my head. “I… don’t know-- I don’t  think so.”

He wrote something down... It pissed me off. Was he psycho analysing me? ‘Can you tell me about the first time? Or the first one you remember.’

“Not really… it wasn’t exactly… legal.” I flashed a smug grin.

‘I’m not interested  in busting you for anything, this conversation is protected by my doctor-patient confidentiality.’ He sipped his water again.

I cleared my throat! Fuck! I picked up the cup… again. “I had been to the drinking farm station moonshine, I  needed to find somewhere to crash because I wasn’t welcome at home… I can’t remember the particulars, but I woke up in a storage unit… it was locked and I couldn’t get out.”

‘So, this was before you went to the Skybox? You were fifteen when you were confined.’

“Before Mom died so I was thirteen… maybe fourteen.” I admitted dully. I couldn’t… I couldn’t talk about Mom. My knee started to jump up and down rapidly. “Do we have to do this right now?… it's not helping.”

#Jackson picked up the tablet and swiped and tapped it for a few seconds and held it out to me. “Look at this and tell me the man in that video doesn’t need any help.” The was a camera in the Brigg and me yanking on the doors. There was no sound… I  tensed as I watched… The door opened and I didn’t stop. “Why didn’t I stop?” I hadn’t meant to whisper those words.

#Emori didn’t come into the cell she pressed herself back against the wall and watched with her good hand clamped over her  mouth. “Shit!” I muttered.

‘That’s one way to put it, John.’ Jackson said still too soft… still too…. Caring.

‘No… not m—” I held out the tablet. “#Emori looks so scared, I need to talk to her. I must have freaked her out.” I stood to  leave but #Jackson held a hand up and all the softness vanished so suddenly that it stopped me in my tracks.

‘That was what stood out to you in that video?’ He said firmly enough that I gave the respect of replying.

“Look, I get it… I  fucked up. I’m sorry… I’m a bad, bad boy and it won’t happen again. Can I go check on my friend now?” I mimicked slapping myself on the back of my hand as I spoke.

‘Do you think you're in trouble, John? Do you think you’re here to be  punished?’ He looked genuinely offended.

“I mean… yeah.. kind of.” I admitted and immediately felt stupid. He was a fucking doctor, not a torturer. “No… maybe… I don’t—” I ground my teeth in frustration.

‘Sit down.’ He said and to my own surprise, I sat.

He kept asking me his head-shrinking questions… but he (thankfully) never brought my mother or father up. I told him about the other attacks I could remember. When I was locked in the dog cage in the grounder camp… trying to escape the drop ship after I had hung #Bellamy... how I didn’t find out until later that one of the bullets I’d shot into the floor had hit Raven… most of them had happened in the bunker… But I knew there were probably others I couldn’t  remember right now. Maybe in solitary on the Ark?

‘Most of these episodes seem to happen when you are trapped or locked in… would you agree with that?’ He asked.

“I guess… But who wants to be locked up, right?” I shrugged.

‘Have you ever heard of Cleithrophobe?’ He asked.

“Oh yeah… sure have! I had it for dinner yesterday.” I rolled my eyes, #Jackson remained surprisingly stoic. I was impressed by how he’d adapted from mushy Doc Lite to this take-less-shit version of  himself, so I humoured him. “Is it the thing where people are afraid of elevators and shit?”

‘Claustrophobia? No. But it's close. It is the fear of being trapped or confined.’ I shuddered when he said it.

“Awesome! I learned two new words today… can I please go now?” I wasn’t liking where this was going.

‘John…’ Jackson leaned forward, making me lean back. ‘We can help you with your anxiety here, the med bay is well stocked. We can help you cope with all of these things. You were  tortured… you were locked up without any human companionship for three months. You almost died more times than you can count. No one survives all of that without serious Post Traumatic Stress. We can treat you and help you sleep.’

I shook my head fervently, and locked my hands together again… “Absolutely not… No. No way.”

‘There is no sha—’ I cut him off.

“You think I give a shit what people think?” I snapped. “You think this place is well stocked… enough to keep me medicated for five years?”

‘Maybe… depending on –‘ I cut him off again.

“And when we get back to earth and I’m good and dependant on what you were giving me? Hmm?” I sniffed. “Let’s say there’s enough of these meds for five years… then  what?”

‘We can explore other therapies in the meantime John… teach you ways to cope and manage this condition. The medication is just….’

“To make me compliant?” I snapped again.

‘No… to make you feel better, to minimise your anxiety and help you sleep.’ He had gone all soft again.

I stood up… feeling tremors moving over my skin. They wanted to lock in my nightmares now too. “No!” I said firmly.

‘You need…’

“All I need is for you people to stop fucking locking me up!” I screamed at him.

•— Raven —•

‘Rey, we need you.’ The voice came from behind as I attempted to rush to the med bay.

“I will be there shortly. I really ne—” I was cut off.

‘We need you right now. We are making some head way with the council; however, no-one is going to agree on the next steps until they actually understand the what’s and the how’s of the plan.’ I knew this was important, but my hazel eyes moved down the corridor I’d bee headed down.

“Griff it’s not rocket…” I stopped myself. I knew that this would be coming, and this was why I had been trying to understand the way this ship worked from the moment it had become a feasible plan. My feet slowed to a stop as I turner to face her. She was showered with freshly wet hair, wearing one of the jumpsuits we all had been given. “When are we planning the little show and tell?”

#Miles moved from my side to squeeze my hand. ‘I’ll go to see what’s happening.’ He asked with Clarke giving the two of us a look.

‘See what’s happening where?’ She asked confused with what she was missing.

“Nothing at all.” I  told #Clarke, then to #Miles. “No, we need you to help with the showing of the ship and it’s facilities.”

‘Okay, let’s get over to the sleeper deck.’ A name given to the deck that housed the cyro beds.  ‘I told them all I would bring you down there.’

All I could do was nod my head, my heart crying out that I was failing everyone. The harder I was trying to make this all work, the faster and hard my downfall came.

‘He is in good hands.’ #Miles whispered into my ear. I knew he was right. John with those he trusted, and I knew I would be the last face he wanted to see right now.

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇʀɪᴄ ᴊᴀᴄᴋꜱᴏɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

This boy in front of me was so broken… and the worst of it was that he just accepted everything that had happened to him. He didn’t want the sympathy or the help he deserved; he didn’t feel victimised. In John  Murphy’s world, imprisonment, torture… fear, pain and trauma were just facts of life.

And yet this was the boy that stole medicine to save a little girl… then sat and waited to see if it worked, knowing he would be caught with whatever else  he’d pilfered. The boy that carried a completely unconscious Raven Reyes through a hail of gunfire… some of those bullets were fired by my own hand. I was too young to remember when his father was floated, I was only a few years older than  most of the delinquents sent to Earth. But I had completed his physical after he was arrested and read in his file about how his father had stolen the same antibiotics that he had already failed to respond to. He had been malnourished and slightly dehydrated… it had clearly been ongoing for quite some time, and the fact that he had started drinking illegal alcohol at the age of twelve hadn’t helped the problem.

He bounced back quickly in the Skybox when the was no one  trading away his ration points for booze. He seemed to almost thrive in there for all the wrong reasons… He was a survivor.

But this boy stood over me right now speaking to me like I was the enemy… he wasn’t surviving. The only person he  was a danger to was himself. I looked at the notes in my hand… If I wrote that down I would change his life forever. The only option up here would be forced medication or confinement. Both those options were going to send him into a spiral.

I cleared my throat and stood up… ignoring his anger. I pulled open a drawer and pulled out a blank notebook… paper was so rare… but just like in the mansion; there seemed to be a notebook on every single desk on the ship; if not  several.

“Okay.” I shrugged. “No medication…” He started to speak, and I cut him off this time. “If! If you agree to write in this once a day… about your thoughts… feelings… anything that makes you anxious, even your dreams.”

He narrowed  his ice-blue eyes. ‘I was joking about the journal thing, you know.’

“Frankly, I think it was a brilliant idea. Every day, John…or I will have to recommend medication to the Chief of Medical. And I want to meet with you every three days to  see how you’re doing.”

He looked at the book. ‘Are you going to read this?’

“Only if you want me to.” I said honestly. I was just trying to start a journey of self-reflection here.

‘I wouldn’t know where to start.’ He laughed self-deprecatingly.

“Start by writing about the things you did during the day… it might take a while, but things will start to come. At least one page, every day.”

‘And no meds….’ He eyed me like I was slowly backing him into a trap.

“I  can’t promise that… not without cooperation on your part John. But if you try… really try. I’ll help you stand your ground if it comes to that.”

‘So, if the panic thing happens again… It’s not something I have control over.’

“It’s not about  the panic attack John… it’s about you are making irrational decisions and hurting yourself.” I explained in that unemotional tone he responded to.

He laughed out loud at this. ‘You think I want to hurt myself? Have you met me? Everything I do is about survival.’

“It used to be… Now. Everything you do is about the survival of three people, and you aren’t one of them.” This seemed to strike a chord with him. I tapped the book in his hands. “Every day.” I jerked my chin to the door  letting him know he could go if he wanted to. He did… “John.” I stopped him before he opened the door. “Don’t let anyone else read that… Like I said… I will read whatever you want me to and it won’t ever go any further. But no one else. Not even Abby, understood?” I felt instant guilt.

John nodded and waved the book at me as he left, and I stood where I was; wondering if I’d just made a huge mistake.

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴄʟᴀʀᴋᴇ ɢʀɪꜰꜰɪɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

My mom, #Marcus, #MilesShaw, and Rey worked together walking the heads of the clans through the key points of cyro, my eyes were solemnly following Rey. Thinking to myself that she hides it well, the girl thought she was talented at hiding herself in plain sight. However, it was as far from the truth as we were from the sun.

Her and the pilot #MilesShaw had been whispering together all the way here to meet the others, and even now they shared looks when they thought no one watched them. But I was watching. Something was a miss here on the ship.

With the grounders… Sure we knew the clans would follow the winner of the conclave. But things changed the moment they all lay eyes on #Luna. On one side there sat a true nightblood. One they all knew to be a traitor, however still one of them. And on the other hand, there sat #Octavia the champion who won fairly. And still some of these people weren’t willing to let go. That was until Rey spoke to them in a language that touched hearts. But still they had a tension that we couldn’t break.

#Indra and #Octavia were both hanging back, they were learning as well as watching the grounders closely. I have to admit that #Indra was the best mentor our #Octavia could hope for. With Marcus on one side and #Indra on the other side. I could see this working.

‘Do you think they will trust us?’ #Nate and #bellamy were stood watching everyone with me.

‘They have no choice but to.’ #Bellamy said.

“This has to be their choice. If this is going to work.” Speaking low. “We cannot bulldoze them into doing this. O was right with that point.” #Bellamy looked shocked. “I do listen to what is being said you know.”

‘Yeah, but that doesn't mean you will agree.’

Lifting my chin over to Rey, I ask them both. “Does Rey seem okay to you both?”

#Bellamy replied first. ‘She’s not sleeping, she has a lot on her shoulders, and I believe she is beating herself up about the timeline of our return to Earth. So, no. I don’t think she is okay.’

‘She does seem to have built a friendship with #Shaw. Maybe that will help. Someone new to talk to?’ #Nate added.

Rey climbed into one of the pods, laying herself down for the others to see. Explaining how it will feel when people are put to sleep.

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I sat in the medbay waiting while John spoke to the doctor. I had seen him have nightmares and he’d told me about the bunker; but seeing him like that… the fear in his eyes and hearing the way he gasped for air like a dying man, hit me hard. It was the first time I had truly seen how deep his scars ran.

When he finally came out he was holding a book and looked… better in some ways and worse in others. His eyes were still bloodshot and there was a red  bump on his cheek, his lip was swollen... again.

#Jasper made his way over to him. ‘Oh man… he gave you homework too.’

John gave half a smile. I wondered for a moment what the hell homework was and quickly decided that it probably didn’t  matter. Half of the things that came out of #Jasper’s mouth made no sense. He reached for John’s shoulder, pausing mid-motion like he was gauging his reaction before touching him… like you would with an unruly stallion so you didn’t get  bitten. He must have decided that John wasn’t going to bite because he set his hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake.

‘You’ll be okay…’ #Jasper told him. I noted how he made a point not to ask if he was okay.

John nodded and  then walked over to me, he gave me that half smile and then he hugged me. ‘I’m sorry I freaked you out.’ He whispered, but I still heard how strained his voice was, from screaming or the panic attack; I didn’t know.

“It’s okay… I just didn’t know how to help.” I whispered back.

#Luna put her hand on his shoulder and turned him to face her. ‘John… Look at me... I need you to focus and hear this.’ John nodded and she continued. ‘Raven never planned on leaving you in that  cell. She gave me the key before she left.’

“I know.” He replied. “I know… I just…” He scrunched up his nose. “I know that now…” Something in his pocket beeped. He pulled out the screen he carried at all times now and exhaled. “I um… I  gotta go to work… the rations won’t pass themselves out.”

#Luna and I were both about to protest and tell him; No, the others could take care of it today… but Jasper spoke before we could. ‘No guys… Let him go. He'll be fine.’ He smiled at  John. ‘Right? Back to normal… whatever the hell that means.’

The boys clasped hands. ‘Whatever the hell that means’ John said. They smiled like it was an inside joke. I had spent a lot of time with these guys, and they had never made a joke like this before. Jasper told him he would stay with us... and I knew that was for John’s sake, that he would feel better if someone from Skaikru was with us. Because our safety was the real source of all his anxiety.

I waited for him to  leave, and I turned to Jasper. ‘Find out where Raven is. I need to talk to her. Now.’

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

#Miles broke the news to us about Murphy’s last plan, and sure a part of me got it. There wasn’t a stone I wouldn’t turn, or a person I wouldn’t fight to keep #Octavia safe. And I had done my fair share of stupid things to keep my kid sister safe in the past. But… I would never have gone looking…. Wait… Who the Fuck are we kidding right now. If I wasn’t in the room where everything was going down. If I didn’t know that we had this all-in hand. I would have been right next to Murphy, looking for those weapons to keep #Octavia from fighting again.

Wait… Was I really agreeing with him now? I guess I was. But it didn’t mean I needed to tell anyone about it.

‘Well, what do we think? Will that be enough to stop the tensions on the ship? And will they agree with us on the path that needs to be taken?’ My sister stood with her legs apart and her arms crossed over her chest. Speaking with the others.

#Indra seemed to be considering her answer before saying anything. ‘Mebi em , Oso na souda hod op en ai op.’ (Maybe, we will have to wait and see.)

‘They need a little time; this is all a lot for them to comprehend. We gave them so much information to consider.’ #Abby moved towards the doors now with the others to leave and catch up with the grounders. Except for Raven. She had a deep worried look in her eyes.

“Rey what are you doing?” I asked her while watching her tired body moving slower across the room.

‘I need to change the door codes for each door leading up to here. As much as I want to trust every member of the new council, we know it would be a mistake to trust anyone until we have their answer and their word.’

I wanted to tell her she had more faith in the people on this ship than I did. And if she wasn’t fully sold on the fact that we could become one people up here. Then all bets were off.

‘Don’t stay too long Raven, you need to go to your room and get yourself some rest.’ #Marcus told her and then we all left.

I would have stayed with her, it looked like she needed a friend right now to talk to. But I couldn't leave my sisters side. Not right now.

We weren’t even half way down the corridor when #Jasper came running at us. ‘Have you guys seen Rey?’ He asked #Nate and me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

‘Nothing, I just need Rey.’ He was out of breath. So, we pointed to the cryo room. But instead of running towards it. He ran off back the way he came.

“That boy has lost his mind.” I shook my head.  

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴀꜱᴘᴇʀ ᴊᴏʀᴅᴀɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I didn’t have time to explain myself to Bellamy… #Emori was hot on my heels, and it looked like she was on the warpath. I need to give Rey the heads-up. I typed in the code for the sleeper deck; the display beeped and flashed green, and I moved inside. I typed the next code into one of the sleeper rooms… but the display buzzed angrily and turned red. “What the…” Down the hall, I heard shuffling footsteps.

I made my way towards them and saw Rey with a tablet and an open locking panel… “Are we changing the codes?” I asked in confusion. “Never mind… #Emori is looking for you… but there’s something you need to know before she catches up… about John.”

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I made my way  to the mess hall, the two grounders assigned to help were already setting out the rations and the water bottles. I set the new journal on the table that separated us from the people coming to collect their evening meal.

Breakfast was a thick sludge-like excuse for porridge, it was packed with essential vitamins and minerals, and it tasted of nothing… which I suppose was preferable to something unpleasant. Dinner consisted of rock-hard but slightly sweet biscuits and  nutrition packs. These contained a paste with a nutty, slightly salty flavour. The children and one pregnant grounder woman on board got one of these with breakfast too. Each package was opened when it was being passed out to prevent the establishment of trading or sharing of rations that might lead to people going hungry to feed weaker family or clan members. After the assigned meal time was done, we delivered rations to those that weren’t able to make it to the  mess.

People began to trickle in, and I took names, marking them off of my list and they proceeded along the line where they were passed their ration and a small cup of water that was part of their larger daily ration. I blinked my  still-stinging eyes and shut out everything but my job. No fears. No emotion… no weird head-shrinking therapy session.

“Name, move along, next. Name, move along, next.”

Teaching the grounders to use the tech up here was complicated, and I wasn’t in the mood right now, I would teach them. But today… Each repetition convincing me I was burying all the feelings that were threatening to make me eject my stomach contents just like the radiation sickness.

•— Raven —•

Work, it was the only thing left for me to do up here. As much as I wanted to look for a way back down to earth, I knew I would have a fight on my hands. My eyes moved from the tablet in my hands to the windows, witnessing the plant we had began to call home burning before our eyes. And still I could see that the fire hadn’t consumed everything just yet.

There was still an area that could hold life, however my mind knew the facts. Even if the prime fire hadn’t reached that point, the radiation would have. No-one could survive the death which came with such agony.  

“Work” Whispering the word over and over again.

I had to trust in those who were working on peace on this ship, I had to trust in my judgement to bring others up here with us. These people were given a choice. Just as John had…

“John.” I closed my eyes taking a heavy sigh.

That boy, he wasn’t ever going to trust me. Not that he did now. It was clear. Whatever faith we had gained on the Island had been lost. But it felt like we were pushing and pulling. One moment, he would explain himself, he would look worried and concerned. And the other night, when he asked me to rest with him, showing me his, Emori, and Luna’s room. Asking me to trust him. To have faith. To rest my eyes while he watched over me.

He made me feel like we could rebuild what was lost. That maybe it wasn’t gone forever. And then he still went and did something like this. His actions telling a different story to his words.

Why did it hurt my heart so much? I knew why. ‘Because a friends betrayal stings deeper than that of a stranger’. At least this was what my mentor’s wife and my friend #SkylarSinclair used to say to us often.

The sound of the door opening behind me pulled me from a memory, and my eyebrow arched as #Jasper came rushing in.

“Uhm… Yeah.. We are—” He cut me off before I could explain why I was changing the door codes.

“What.. are you talking about? Why do you think you need to warn me about Emori coming?” His face was flushed, his eyes darting to the door.

‘Do you think you could change the lock on this door in the next sixty seconds?’ Was he joking?

 

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

#Jasper had run off ahead of me… he was supposed to be helping me to find Raven. But it was easy enough to keep track of him. I just followed the trail of bewildered people he left behind as he speed-walked the hallways of the spaceship we called home now. #Luna followed me speaking trig and trying to tell me to stop and think. To calm down.

But I had done nothing but think about this, watching John and Raven avoiding one another since we made it up here.

They were both their own worst enemies, it was clear that they needed one another but for some reason, they were just doing everything they could to push the other further and further away. I knew why John was doing it… he was punishing himself.

I heard #Jasper and Raven talking just ahead, but I didn’t wait for an opening. “Raven!” I rounded the corner and put myself between #Jasper and Rey.

‘Shit… too late…’ Jasper whispered.

“What is wrong with you?” I continued speaking to Raven, ignoring Jasper. “John is drowning, and you just keep walking away. On the island If he’d walked away when you were pushing him away… sometimes literally…”

His current swollen lip was reminding me of the one she’d given him once. Not that she could be blamed for that any more than John could be blamed for what they were calling a panic attack.

“And if he had walked away from you like you keep doing, you’d have died long before you cured yourself. He made one  decision that you disagreed with and what?... You just cut him out of your life? He needs you.”

I was a little breathless by the time I finished. I hadn’t really known what I was planning on saying to her. And once I started talking everything just rushed out too fast. I had told John, again and again, to talk to her… not to tell her everything about how he felt because I knew that would end well for either of them. But they still needed one another… the bond they’d  grown on the island was strong… and even though neither of them would admit it; they were stronger together.

‘Um…’ Jasper cleared his throat. ‘So… just some context… John had a panic attack and I’m pretty sure #Jackson has blackmailed him  into starting therapy.’ Then he took two long strides backwards and I glared at him.

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʟᴜɴᴀ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I was too late; I should have known better. Nothing good would come of the anger that had been bubbling under Emori’s skin. However, I did not see this coming.

My eyes were trained on #Emori burning daggers into her back as she spoke to Raven. But it wasn’t until I saw something in those broken hazel eyes, that my heart broke for the second time in the same day.

Witnessing John destroyed and frightened in the brig had felt like a knife to my heart. And again now! I knew no other in the room had noticed but I did. The moment #Emori’s words sank in, Raven stumbled back just before catching herself. Those expressive eyes of hers, which once lit up any room, and all the hearts around her when she smiled, were glistening with pain, with regret, with remorse. The same pain she had been living with since her return to find #Jasper, John, and me still on the island.  

I stepped up in between the two girls.  

“Daun nou ste ridiyo!” (That’s not true!) “Raven did not walk away—”

#Emori cut me off. ‘Yes, yes, she did. You saw It too. you saw what leaving John in that prison did to him.’

‘Emori, John wasn’t alone. We were all there.’ #Jasper tried to say. But it was Raven who I was looking back at.  

“Ai Stisis?” (Little Sister?) I whispered to bring her back from wherever her mind had taken her.

Raven just stood there, with her eyes dead to the world that existed around her. I couldn’t even see the darkness that once would have been telling me everything I needed.

“Ai Stisis?” (Little Sister?) I whispered again this time turning my full body to face her. “Dison laik nou ona Yu.” (This is not on you.) I knew that nothing I would say could help her now. My eyes dropped to her hands clasped around a tablet so tight that the whites of her knuckles were showing. The only sign that she was still here.

“Raven?” the hand I placed on her bicep jolted her out from wherever she had been.

‘Emori.’ Her voice was calm. A little too calm. ‘What is wrong with me?’ Her eyes were locked on the girl behind me as she stepped around to face her. ‘I am sick to death of people who only think of themselves asking me that question. What would have come of me if he had let me die? I would have been at peace now.’ The way she said this and then looked out the window down to our burning home, sent chills down my spine. ‘Will I cut him out of my life?’ She stepped closer to Emori as she whispered low, but I could still hear. ‘At least I don’t act like I am his friend, have him risk the life of everyone to save me, and then on the first opportunity that arose, leave him to die alone on a island he should never had been left on.’

Raven pointed to #Jasper and then me. ‘They were the only ones who were there with him. I recall collecting you from Polis where you were saving your own arse. So, as much as I know you both think you are some hard nut survivors. I am not. I cannot forget that those I love were put in danger, I cannot forget that those I cared for, were left to pick up the mess that is caused time and time again because He and You still don’t understand that you are a part of this family. So, maybe… just maybe… I am done trying to show you. I am broken, and I am the one that is realising that maybe I was wrong. That you and he don’t want to be in our family. So… Maybe…. I am giving you and him… what you both want…. To be free of all that comes as part of me thinking of you both as family…. Maybe… I am….’

She didn’t finish off her words. Just walked away without looking back.

#Jasper and I stood there letting Raven’s words sink in. #Emori followed Raven with her eyes. ‘Raven! Wait!’ but I took a hold of her arm keeping her in place.

“Wochas ona riskiwe, Emori. Krei nopro na drop yu trei klin nami. Em  na fleim au Yu en em.” (Be careful of the dark, Emori. It’s too easy to lose your way. It will burn you and her.)

•— John —•

I scrolled through the list of names, there were many that I knew were still sick or injured and unable to make it here to get their rations. But there were so many others today skipping meals. Of course, Raven was among them. It wasn’t the first time either… It was worrying how many meals she’d likely missed. And who knew if she was eating what was being dropped to her room or not?

Adding onto that #Luna, #Emori and #Jasper were no-shows today too. On top of the usual  suspects that I was beginning to think we’re happy to believe I was a delivery boy. #Octavia was a bloody grounder Queen and even she could show up and collect her own rations. But #Clarke and #Bellamy? Apparently, they were too important for  that. But today I sent the grounders to drop off most of the rations.

The last place I wanted to be was back in the med bay. I wasn’t sure where to find her… so I went to Raven’s room… Since I had no idea where that was, I had to check the  list in the database that I was only allowed access to because I was responsible for the food. On the way to her room, I spotted #Shaw walking towards me. I kept walking with my eyes glued to the tablet… hoping that I could just walk by as  if I hadn't even seen him. I wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with the guy that locked me up.

‘Are you looking for Raven?’ He looked around the hallway like he was an Alpha Station privy and I was a Farm Station grunt that didn’t know my  place. But I wasn’t going to let him think he was getting to me by walking by him when there was no chance I hadn’t heard him.

“I’m looking for a lot of people actually… including you.” I reached into the pack I was carrying and handed him  his rations. “Your shift cycle put you on the last pick up and you didn’t show. I’m not a delivery boy. Next time you can go hungry.” I took a step to keep going. He cut me off.

‘Actually… I’m pretty sure delivering rations is in your job description.’ He was far too smug, thankfully I was so exhausted right now that I didn’t have the energy to be angry.

“For the medical staff and the wounded. You are neither. If you don’t mind… I have drop-offs for people that actually  need it.” I tried to move again, and he stopped me.

‘Like Raven…’ He was still smirking. ‘She’s not in her room, but I can take it to her.’

“I can handle it… thanks.” The thanks stung a little.

‘I really think you should just let me do it… and just leave Raven alone. I have no idea what the history is with you two… but it's clear she wants it to be done. And I think it would be better for her if you just… left her alone.’ He looked so superior and all I could do was laugh at him, imagining what Raven would say to him if she heard him trying to speak for her.

“I know you haven’t known her for very long… But I’m sure you know that she has no problem voicing her own opinions… and trust me she has several opinions of me… She’s made that extremely clear.” I tried again to get passed him.

‘Or… maybe she’s worried you’d… fall apart if she told you to kick rocks… or… you just can’t take a hint.’ He put his hand on my chest to stop me… I  clenched my jaw.

‘Is there a problem here?’ A gravelly voice that was all too familiar came from behind us and I groaned.

‘Not at all.’ #Shaw stood straighter, and I smirked. What a kiss ass.

‘John?’ #Kane’s brow rose.

“Just trying to  get to work… But Officer Shaw here was worried his pants made his ass look fat… I was just reminding him that all bodies are beautiful.” I smirked and #Kane rolled his eyes.

‘It’s Lieutenant actually.’ #Shaw spoke through gritted teeth.

“Cool.” I smiled. “Ever kill a guy?”

‘Have you?’ He bit right back and smirked.

I just fixed him with a stare.

‘I think that’s enough of that, don’t you both have work to do?’ #Kane moved between the two of us and Shaw backed off.

‘Yeah… I have better things to do with my time.’ #Shaw said as he walked off.

I waited until he got a few feet down the hall and called after him. “Hey, Lieutenant…. That ass though!” I winked and blew him a kiss.

#Kane gripped my arm  and turned me away, walking me further along the corridor. ‘What is wrong with you?’ He hissed quietly. ‘You know our lives depend on these people, right?’

“Thank you, Jaha.” I grumbled…. “And no, they don’t; we have people that can run this ship with no problem.”

‘You need to get your act together, son—’

“I’m no one's son… I’m sure you remember that, right… you were right next to Jaha when he floated my father, weren’t you? Oh, and wasn’t you that ordered me placed into that pathetic excuse of a care centre after my mom drank herself to death on the moonshine you failed to stop the illegal sale of?” I smiled again. I had no idea where all of this was coming from… but the run-in with #Shaw had me on edge and my defences were razor-sharp. I just couldn’t stop it. “Thought so…”

I really wanted to stop it.

‘All of this anger is going to kill you, John… What were you even doing here before you tried to pick a fight with our pilot?’ I bit my tongue…  telling him that the soldier boy had approached me and then consistently stopped me from walking away was a waste of breath and I was just too tired.

I told him I was looking for Raven and the others because they had skipped yet another meal. He told me where to find them.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I was dumbstruck… this was all my fault. I was the reason she could hardly stand to look at John. All because he tried to save me… Had I truly been the reason that John lost the woman that he loved… even if he could never have that kind of relationship with her.

I was the reason that they couldn’t even be friends… I had driven the wedge between the two of them and stolen the finite amount of peace they gave each other. Not that either of them knew it. But #Luna and I did, the only time they ever got a moment of sleep worth having, was when the other was close by.

I just stood there… unable to speak or think…

Until a door swished open, and someone  stepped in. “John…” I said, stunned. His lip was still swollen but the mark on his cheek seemed to be less red and angry.

‘What the…’ He blinked and looked around. ‘What’s going on?’

•— Raven —•

‘I didn’t expect to find you here?’ #Lizzy’s soft voice broke me out of my daze as I sat on the spare chair beside #Dela’s bed.

“I hadn’t planned to come here. I wanted to be in a place where I could see something that has been done right… something I had done that was for the good of someone.” Replying without breaking my eyes away from the girl. “My feet carried me here.”

‘She’s a special young lady for sure.’ Taking #Dela’s vitals #Lizzy wrote them down.

“How is she doing now?” The young girl looked so small on the bed; her dark hair matted to her forehead as they kept her as comfortable as they could.

‘Our Dela is a little fighter, like I tell her parents, we will take each day as it comes.’ It was as good as it was going to be. ‘Now, shouldn’t you be in the mess hall having your dinner?’

Shaking my head. “I’d rather be here. Somewhere I cannot mess things up.” #Lizzy paused before leaving me to it.

Uncertain of the amount of time that had passed before I began to speak to the girl. “I don’t know if you can hear me in there. But I want you to know you aren’t alone.” Taking out the tablet I brought with me. “I remember reading somewhere that listening to music, or hearing people speaking to you can help. So, I hope you don’t mind me reading you a story.”

Retrieving the book that I have read three times by now on the tablet, I began to read from the title page.

“Cinder by Marissa Meyer.

Chapter 1 THE SCREW THROUGH CINDER'S ANKLE HAD RUSTED, THE engraved cross marks worn to a mangled circle. Her knuckles ached from forcing the screwdriver into the joint as she struggled to loosen the screw one gritting twist after another. By the time it was extracted far enough for her to wrench free with her prosthetic steel hand, the hairline threads had been stripped clean. Tossing the screwdriver onto the table, Cinder gripped her heel and yanked the foot from its socket. A spark singed her fingertips and she jerked away, leaving the foot to dangle from a tangle of red and yellow wires. She slumped back with a relieved groan. A sense of release hovered at the end of those wires--freedom. Having loathed the too-small foot for four years, she swore to never put the piece of junk back on again. She just hoped Iko would be back soon with its replacement.”

A sound from behind me had me sit up in the chair to look around as to where it had come from. #Dela’s father stood there in the shadow of the med bay smiling.

‘Beja dula op nou hod op.’ ( Please do not stop. ). ‘Dela loves stories from the imagination of others.’ He stepped forward so that now I could see him in the dim light.

“Oh, uhm. This isn’t my story. A lady from the year 2011 by the name of Marissa Meyer wrote and published it.” Saying as I pointed to the device in my hands.  “It’s a story of a young girl,  who is brave and strong. So… I thought Dela may enjoy it.”

‘Just like our Dela.’ He whispered stepping around the covered bed, placing his hand over it as close to touching her as was possible for him at this time. His eyes glistened with unfallen tears, however his lips still smiled even if it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘You are a brave girl too Raven. Intelligent, and strong.’

I didn’t say anything, because right now I felt none of those things.

‘The way you took your time to explain the… bag gon ridop raun?’ ( Beds to sleep in? ) Confusion across his face.

“The cryo beds.” I helped him.

‘Yes. The cryo beds. My people will need a little time. But. I am sure it will be something we will agree to.’ Only now did I notice the changes on his face. #Dela, her mom #Spring, and her dad #Delano were all of the Trishanakru. These were people of the Glowing Forest who believed in the land as their provider. Tattoos on some of their foreheads told of their beliefs and the ranking of their place in the tribe.

#Delano’s soft smile and the light touch to his forehead told me he saw the recognition. ‘My people have named me as their voice. As their...’

“Their ambassador?” I finished to help again, and he nodded his head.

‘So, you see. With everything you and your people have done for us. for our Dela. I am indebted.

“Thank you, Ambassador Delano. For believing in what we are putting forward.” I stood up and he waved me to sit in the chair.

‘Chof gon bilaik don dula gon Ai fyucha, en Oso kru.’ ( Thank you for all you did for my baby, and our people. ) #AmbassadorDelano, left me to read to his daughter. Telling me that it would be an honour to let me sit with #Dela while she healed.

Closing my eyes, I let the tears that I’d been holding back fall. Finally, maybe just maybe I could do right by some of the souls on this ship. Opening the tablet, I continued where I’d left off.

“Cinder was the only full-service mechanic at New Beijing's weekly market. Without a sign, her booth hinted at her trade only by the shelves of stock android parts that crowded the walls. It was squeezed into a shady cove between a used netscreen dealer and a silk merchant, both of whom frequently complained about the tangy smell of metal and grease that came from Cinder's booth, even though it was usually disguised by the aroma of honey buns from the bakery across the square. Cinder knew they really just didn't like being next to her.”

•— John —•

Emori told me everything… including all about how she’d come to the conclusion that it was all her fault. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t convince her that the only thing I regretted about all that had happened on the island was, that  I didn’t keep looking for Raven until I found her; to tell her my plan. And that I would do it again if I believed it was the only way to keep her safe.

She eventually relented but I knew I hadn’t changed her mind. Maybe time would?

She and #Luna returned to the room, and I went to look for Raven. I didn’t go back to her room… I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be there, and that I would run into #Shaw again nearby… like the creep I was starting to see he was.

I knew what Raven did when she was trying to keep herself from spiralling… she took care of people.

On my way to the med bay, I met Dela’s father. ‘Ah… the young healer.’ He spoke to me in his own language. And gripped my forearm in the way of his  people.

“Not anymore… now I just pass out the food.” I chuckled.

‘In my village… in the winter, things were hard. If we didn’t preserve enough meat before winter people would go hungry. We began pooling our resources as a community. The  person chosen to assign those resources was highly respected… trusted.’ Delano said, but I didn’t let the words sink in. I was the only person that spoke Trig and wasn’t one of the elites… hence… delivery boy duties.

“Maybe.” I gave a smile. The Trishanakru man placed a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in until his tattooed forehead touched mine. Another tradition of his people… a high honour from someone appointed to his status.

‘You are a healer… you saved my  little one. You will always be a healer.’ He said quietly and stepped away. ‘The clever one is inside with Dela… telling her a story. You know who I mean… the pretty one?’

I laughed softly. “Sure... I know who you mean.”

I moved to the  door of the med bay and saw Raven sitting there… reading from the screen, I listened for a moment and stepped inside. “Just so you know… she’s heard this one… It was my sloppy retelling… but… I like to think I did a good job summarising the story.”

I moved further inside and stuffed my hands into my pockets. “I’m sorry… that #Emori blew up like that. She just… She’s worried about me and she… she thought she was protecting me. I guess we all do crazy shit when we think we’re protecting the people we care about. But It’s my fault… not hers. It’s hard for her here. She’s afraid.”

•— Raven —•

Stopping mid-paragraph wasn’t acceptable for me, so I continued to read until the end, all as a barrage of emotions consumed me. Questions filled my head while I attempted to take in the story I wanted to tell the sick girl.

How had he found me?

Was he looking for me?

Why had he come after what I’d done?

What was I even going to say to him?

All the while I didn’t dare to glance up from the tablet in my hands, because I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to step out of the silo I’d created with #Dela, #Cinder, and myself. And yet here he stood.

“You gave Dela your version, and I gave her the correct one.” My eyes moved over to the girl who lay there as if she were fast asleep and not forced into a medical induced coma . “Now she has a choice of which one to believe and dream of.”   Finally lifting my eyes up towards his direction.

The swell of his lips hadn’t disappeared, the bruises still visible, the mark on his cheek not as red however, it was still noticeable from where I sat. Add to it that he looked weak and tired, all the glow and the wellness of our time on the island slowly vanishing before my eyes. How much I had failed him now resonating deeper within my soul, the facts, and the internal turmoil I had been drowning in before he stood here escalating in me.

I wanted to ask him so many questions. I wanted to shout at him, to shake him. But none of that belonged between Reyes and Murphy. Those emotions had been the heart of a friendship that belonged to John and Raven.

With this realisation, I set the tablet down on the side, pushing myself up from the chair. “I’m guessing you came here to spend time with Dela too. I won’t keep you from her.” Only now noticing the rations he was carrying along with him.

Frowning my eyebrows pulled together making me feel the ache in my head more prominently. Rubbing my fingers into the bridge of my nose I kept my voice low as I asked. “Please… Please tell me you aren’t stealing rations because you are planning to do something stupid again?”

•— John —•

I pressed my lips together to stifle a chuckle. It was such a Raven thing to do; it had been a shitty day… so I took the small moment, as Raven would say. She ignored me and kept reading. I stayed leaning against the door frame until she was  ready to speak with me. My temper and impatience and restlessness seemed… More manageable around her. I would like to say that it disappeared… but it was still all there, looming in the back of my mind like a dark cloud.

“I didn't have a copy of the book.” I let out that chuckle now. “I had to improvise.”

I chewed on my cheek and looked at the floor. “I um… I haven’t been around much…” I looked over at the office doors where #Abby and #Jackson were likely sequestered; working… I couldn’t remember the last time I saw them not working… much like the woman standing before me. “They don’t want me here anymore.”

I saw her eyes drifting to the bag in my hand… and her words… there it was. That dark cloud, threatened to take me over again. Not like the panic attack, it was anger… fear. The irrational thoughts of what could happen to me if I was caught stealing… even though I knew Raven would never truly accuse me… or even report me if I was guilty. But there it was; the image of my father outside the Ark… floating. My too-vivid imagination drew me into his place. I took a breath. I wanted to ask her if she truly thought so little of me. Where did she think I could go? But I  quelled all of that... a feat that would be impossible if I was stood here with anyone else.

“These are yours actually… you missed your evening rota again. The others are for The Docs and Lizzie… the patients that can eat solids… they  normally can’t leave the med bay for long, so I bring their rations here.” My pale blue gaze settled on hers. I handed her one of the packages. “Twice a day… every day. The same for the elderly and the wounded in the dorms or staterooms… Same for the Arkadians and Alpha Station prigs that think they are too good to come and pick up their own food just like everyone else.”

I clenched my jaw and let the self-hatred pour into me… “I was doing well there until the end, wasn’t I?” I pinched the bridge of my nose.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my hands over my face I stood there. And there it was again, that vast crater that had come in between the two of us had just grown some more. Why did I do this? Why was I so certain that whenever I saw him, he would be up to no good? That voice in my head telling me that it was because he was always up to no good, that’s why.

However, that wasn’t the truth now and his answer hit me like a slap on the face. My hand lifted and reached out to take the packet he handed over to me. Seeing that this was something he did? He walked around the ship handing people their food so that they didn’t miss out of any of their food rations.

“Yeah, your explanation was even believable up until the last part.” Is that what I was now? “Thank you for taking the time to bring this Alpha Station prig her meal. But so you know… I’m not from Alpha station. And I am not hungry, which is why I didn’t come to take this today.” Holding the packet up, out of the corner of my eyes, seeing an older lady a sleep looking so weak as though she hadn’t eaten in weeks. She would be the one I would leave this pack to. I told myself.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to accuse you…” Did I? No! that hadn’t been my motivation. No matter how it sounded like… I had wanted a head start if he needed to be taken out of the brig again.  “I just needed a heads up in case you planned…” I couldn’t finish that thought. Because I didn’t want to think of the things this boy could be planning in his head. And there was no way, I wanted to feed his ideas.

“What did you mean by they don’t want you in here? I cannot imagine Abby, Jax, and Lizzy saying no to another set of hands in here?” with my gaze moving over the sleeping forms in the med bay I could see how they could run out of hands if things weren’t managed well.  

•— John —•

I groaned and squeezed the bridge of my nose even harder. Shit!! How did I manage to fuck so much up with one damned sentence?

“No… Raven. Not… you’re Mech St---” That point was totally irrelevant. “I mean #Griffin and… okay #Bellamy was Mech station too, but he’s basically one of them since he joined the guard. Even #Octavia can make it to the mess to pick up her own food and she’s the damn grounder queen. I don’t mean you… unlike them; you don’t just expect me to search the ship and delivery you yours twice a day.”

I set the bag on the nearest table and sighed. I couldn’t blame her for thinking the worst… I hadn’t given her any reasons to think any better of me. But did she really think I was planning on  stealing from the stores? It was probably just a matter of time before I did something stupid like that. I dragged my hand through my hair… what the fuck was wrong with me? I mean… other than the things Doc Lite listed off earlier.

“As soon  as most of the patients were discharged and they didn’t need anyone to clean wounds or translate; they couldn’t get me out of here fast enough… I guess they don’t need to settle for me anymore now that they had Lizzie.” I said the last part  a little softer… it was likely #Lizzie was in here somewhere; I didn’t want her to think I was talking badly about her. Despite our rough start, she was actually kind of badarse… now that I’d gotten to know her a little over puss-filled boils and while cleaning various bodily discharges. “It makes sense… but, apparently, I’m still bitter.” I gave her the best sarcastic smile I could muster.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my forehead now I dropped my head. What was wrong with us? What was wrong with him? “You think Griff and Bells want you to walk around the ship looking for them?”

My voice remained low because I was out of steam, and I wasn’t about to shout at him. Pointing to the door while speaking. “They are stuck in a room full of people who could start a war on this ship. And if you haven’t noticed, if blood is spilled up here. We are all screwed. They aren’t out to get you or show you your place, Murphy. They are trying to keep the clans calm until they fully cooperate under the leadership of Octavia.

You know how they reacted when they learnt Luna was on the ship. This is all taking time, and Marcus wants it done behind the closed doors, so not to spread misinformation or mayhem through the people on board.”

However, now my concern grew. “But if you can think like this, I wonder what others are thinking, saying and doing?” This I said  more to myself. “Discord is contagious...”

Shaking my head. “Also, don’t do that. Don’t kick yourself in the arse. You did it down there. And you are doing it again. You bring a lot to the table. And maybe Abby saw that you didn’t want to be in here. Have you thought of it that way? She never stopped you from helping on the ground. But things up here…. We all are returning up into space with our own baggage.”

My voice had a shudder in it, so I cleared my throat before speaking again.

“You have a job that someone can only do if they are truly trusted. You can speak to everyone, your trig, the way you talk to the young ones, it all makes you someone they all trust. So… don’t… just don’t… not believe in the work you’re doing.”

Holding my spare hand out now. “Hand me the meals for the others, I will go find them and give them out. And I will come take their meal pack from now. So, you don’t have to go looking for people you dislike so much.”

•— John —•

“I don’t think they give me enough consideration to want anything from me. They just expect it.” I murmured the words… I knew how it sounded, but I also knew it was mostly true. “Maybe that's the problem… maybe they aren't the people that  should be in there…” Then I stopped… I blinked and shook my head as her words sank in. Was Raven Reyes telling me to fall in line and follow the lead of others; even when I disagreed with the way they made those decisions?

“Discord? Do you  really believe I have any influence over what people think?” I dragged my hand over my face, I kept my voice low for two reasons. One… I was not pissed off at Raven. Two; #Dela looked like she was sleeping. Though I knew with the cocktail of drugs they had her on, I could shake her and she wouldn’t wake up. “I’m not trying to start an uprising, Raven. I’m just trying to…” I stopped… and didn’t say; Talk to you… about the things that made me want to be Murphy instead of  John… And that she was the only person that made that possible. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t planning on letting them shove me into some glass coffin for five years either, but I was hoping it might not come to that.

“#Abby knew I wanted  to stay here, she said if I was needed, she would call on me… but with #Lizzie and Clarke I wasn’t needed and they had formal training.” I rolled my eyes #Clarke’s interest in the medical field had died with #Lexa. “My language skills were  needed… or so I was told… the Princess could hardly be expected to hand out rations.”

Part of me supposed that learning Trig could be the one thing that kept them from floating me at the first second they deemed me disobedient. I sighed  heavily… I knew that it was pointless… “Baggage… yeah. Give it another week and I’ll be mopping floors again. And I’m not asking you to do the job for me, Raven. But you’re…” There was no point in telling her what it was like… she knew the  disrespect Farm Station got… it was no different from Mech Station. But Raven had made herself useful from an early age, she was clever… she had skills. I wasn’t intelligent, I wasn’t particularly strong… I had started to think I had a knack  for the med bay… but I was just in the way now… “Right… I need to just remember my place.” I managed not to add Before they lock me up again.

What #Delano said to me in the hall came back. But this wasn’t the same. Trust? People didn’t trust me… They would be stupid to trust me. “No one trusts me, Raven… Maybe Emori… But she shouldn’t. I’m sure it's only a matter of time before I let her down again too.”

•— Raven —•

“Griff has no interest in being in here, we all know it and have witnessed it…..” I started but then found myself stopping because my voice had raised a little.  

For the fourth time in as many minutes, once again I was asking myself…. What was happening to the two of us? We had never been ‘Friends’, on the ark. I hadn’t even said more than a few words to him before he stopped coming to classes, because he’d been locked up. When I’d come down to earth, I’d even tried to send this boy to his death all in the names to save #Finn. But even then. We had somehow accomplished something on the path to familiarity while we were on #Becca’s Island.

Sighing my hazel eyes stung from the flow of emotions from the memories brought back. The late nights full of conversations, the helping one another with whatever was needed, the joking and jabbing that was never taken in malice. And now… Now we cannot even pass one another without leaving in some form of hurt or pain.

Looking around the room I saw the small area #Jax and #Abby used, taking Johns arm I pulled him the best I could.

“Come with me, we cannot talk here.” I told him. Setting the packet in my hand down on the bed beside the older woman asleep two beds down from #Dela I didn’t stop until we were in the small space, and I partly close the door.

Still keeping my voice low while I took my jacket off and set it down on the table. My hands moved to tighten my ponytail, before turning to face him.

“I am not saying you are about to start anything here. I am not telling you what to say or do. I am not even saying don’t ask questions. All I am saying is… Why… why can’t you wait until there is some form of alliance in place?” Biting on my lips I wasn’t saying what it was I was really feeling.

“You know what. No… I’m not even saying that… You know what I am saying….” I took a step closer to look him in his blue eyes.

“I am saying I am sorry….I am sorry I left you behind when you begged me to bring you… I am sorry that I didn’t unlock the brig the second I saw you in there. Because I know what causes you pain… I knew where your fears are… and I messed the fuck up! I am saying… Why are we so broken that you have just stopped yourself a number of times mid-sentence instead of just telling me what is happening in your mind… We used to talk before we were broken…. And I don’t like this…. I don’t like being broken from someone who stayed up nights to keep me alive… someone I once thought of as a friend….

That’s where Emori has the upper hand… She hasn’t given up on you. She will never stop trusting you. She cornered me to let me know how shit I am. And I have to agree with her.”

The words came in a torrent that had no plans of stopping until it had all been shared.

•— John —•

She was right about Clarke… as soon as #Abby landed #Clarke had stopped acting as the medic, and even I could see at the time that she was needed elsewhere. Her bond with #Lexa made her essential in the leadership of Skaikru… at least until the #Heda abandoned our people in Mount Weather.

I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I was indispensable in the medbay… but there was something about it that had spurred me to want to learn. When I was looking after people other than Raven. When #Abby and Lizzie were teaching me more than the very specific tasks I needed to help Raven when she was seizing.

A new desire I hadn’t felt before had taken root, a desire to learn more. But that was out of reach now.

When she took my arm there was no question that I was going to follow her. It reminded me of the many times I had taken her by her arm or her wrist and guided her to bed… her bed in the Mansion or the bio bed in the lab when she was close to death. I said nothing about the rations she slipped next to the older woman, there would have been no point… and something told me that she needed  to feel like she was helping another soul… even though everything she did ensured the survival of everyone on this ship.

I let her speak… lord knows that I had bombarded her with far too many words when I had started this conversation. Guilt swelled in my chest, I remembered… begging her -with tears pricking my eyes- not to leave me behind, because when people left they never came back. I knew I had nothing of value to offer the mission, my motives were based on fear. A fear of dying on the island where I had been imprisoned, entirely alone for three months. Because that island… without Raven… was nothing more than the prison that forced me to put a gun to my head. Without Raven, it wasn’t home. Tears threatened as I remembered giving her the bullet I had taken from that gun to never forget.

She had said so much I didn’t know where to start. My heart was struggling to beat like it was being squeezed. It was so clear she was in pain. And I didn’t mean her leg.

So, I started with the problem that was preventing us from talking about all the rest of it… the broken  friendship.

“I hate this too Raven. I miss you… I miss the way things were with us… The reason I keep stopping myself from speaking is because all I want to do is ask you to forgive me for all the stupid things I’ve done, and I know I don’t have the right to do that.”

I stepped closer to her.

“And #Emori doesn’t think about you like that… I scared the shit out of her today. And All she knows is that I’m… Better … around you and now… She just doesn’t understand that you are being part of my life isn’t going to fix the fact… That I’m  actually insane. Please don’t hold it against her, it was me… I…” did she know what had happened to me? She’d mentioned not unlocking the brig. Had someone told her about my panic attack? “I frightened her… and she took it out on you, which was shitty, and I told her that. But she didn’t say all of that out of malice.”

I took another deep breath and stepped another half-step closer to her, locking onto those hazel eyes of hers, the hints of gold hidden in their depths had dimmed out of sight from exhaustion.

“You don’t need to apologise to me, Raven. Yes, you left… Yes, I had begged you not to leave me behind. But you…” My voice failed and my throat swelled almost completely shut. “You came back. No one has ever come back for me, but then you… came back from outer fucking space, for me.” I knew that she’d  come back for all of us… but the second I saw the streak of fire in the dusty night sky all I had felt was that she was coming for me. “And all I want; more than anything else is for you to let me prove to you that it wasn’t a mistake. I’ve tried… and I fucked it up. I can’t do it without you, Rey.”

•— Raven —•

“Of course, I came back for you… I told you.. I promised I was coming back.” My hand went into my jumpsuit pocket and came out curled around the one thing he gave me before I left him on earth. Reaching out I took his hand again, setting the item in his palm and closing his fingers around it. “I promised… I promised…”

John Murphy… He’d just said he missed me? Did that mean that there were still chances for us to save this tattered friendship? I don’t know how it happened, or when. The only thing I know is that I took another step forwards, wrapping my arms around his neck. Resting my chin on his shoulders I hugged him so tight; I didn’t want to let go. With my eyes closed I just held him to me.

Time passed; I wasn’t even certain how long it was before my dry lips formed words. “I missed you too. You and Luna… you became my world on that island. Without the two of you, I feel like I’m lost… like I’m missing my arms as well as my heart.” Telling him the truth was the only way we could heal. The only way we could move on from everything that has occurred here.

“Don’t be mad at Emori, she is looking out for you. I know what she said was true, I don’t have a leg to stand on. She saw something that… like you said… She was terrified of what she saw… Of what happened when I turned my back on you…”

Still holding on to him for dear life. “It was shitty of me to do that. No matter if I didn’t mean it. That Leaving was my way to make sure we didn’t say anything that would break this… us even more… However, I get it. I get that you needed me to step up for you… To question why you were in there…. And I failed you.”

Lowering my voice now still holding on to him. to I hoped my friend. “Will you every forgive me? Can we rebuild, or is it gone forever? I don’t want to do this without you… without my friend… Without my sister… Please, John… Can we try to fix this?”

My eyes stung, I didn’t realise  my breathing had become sporadic the more I thought of the way we used to be, to the way we were now.

•— John —•

I didn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t need to, to know what it was she was closing into my palm. It felt heavy; like the weight of it could drag me to the ground. She didn’t understand what I meant…. She thought I hadn’t believed she’d come back. But what I meant was that  when people leave… they die, and you never see them again.

I was about to tell her as much when she pulled me into a hug. She smelled like machine oil and sparks… and Raven. It silenced me, and my arms came around her and I held onto her as tightly as I thought I could  without hurting her. She was close enough that I could feel her chest rise when she took a breath. I remembered so many nights with that comforting, monotonous beeping that became my lullaby… watching her chest rising and falling just to know that she was still alive. Now  that breath was warming my skin through the stiff, utilitarian fabric of the jumpsuit.

I didn’t dare say a word in case I said something stupid that would ruin this. She didn’t pull away.

She. Didn’t. Pull. Away.

I let out a breath that almost sounded like a sob, when she  told me she missed me… every emotion possible flooded me. “You were never lost Rey, never. I – “ I corrected myself. “We never lost sight of you, not for one moment. We were there, just… at a distance. But always there.” My hand moved a little on her back, about to rub her  back in a gesture of comfort… but… would that be, okay? I had no idea. So, I stopped myself.

“I’m not mad at her… and you shouldn’t be either. She just didn’t know what was happening and she blamed you. She knows that she shouldn’t have… but I think that is something for  you and her to talk about.”

“You couldn’t have known… if I hadn’t been so worked up, I would have seen you pass the key to #Luna. It’s not the kind of thing that I would normally miss. And I’m sorry I couldn’t hold onto my faith in you to know you’d never have left me in  there. I knew that… I did… but it's like something locked away everything logical in my mind and I couldn’t reach it.”

Her voice had lowered, and it made my chest ache because it sounded like she might start to cry any second. My hand clenched; I could feel the bullet there  making an imprint on my palm. “There’s nothing to forgive, Raven. Nothing. And we don’t have to try…” Her voice was breaking, and I held her tighter. “This can be it; this can be what fixes everything. We get to choose that, don’t we? We get to choose each other over anything else that’s happened if we both want it, don’t we? Because that’s the only thing I’ve wanted since we made it up here.”

•— Raven —•

As much as I would like to have stopped them, the tears began to roll freely down my cheeks, and I now resigned myself to them. Never had I been one to hide myself and my emotions from the others, however these tears felt like they were leaving me naked on the periphery of a path there would be no turning back from.

But this is what we needed. Both John and I… we needed the truth to come out because the alternative would be the end. And end there would be no coming back from.

Listening to him speaking had kept me from spilling over my emotions even further, however each word weighted heavily on my chest. Even now, even after all the turmoil I had caused him and the others. He… they still had some form of faith in me?

One question looped over and over again in my mind. ‘How is this so?’

Emori… I knew that I would need to have an open and honest conversation with her too. “I understand why she said what she did, and I think I understand…” I cut off feeling the lump in my throat doubling in size. Clearing it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. So, I gave myself a moment before continuing. “I will talk with her.”

It was now that I noticed that I was still holding on to him so tightly, and I couldn’t let go. He was giving me an easy out, however I wouldn’t forgive myself. “You couldn’t have seen clearly at the time John. It is a lot to experience all at once. And then on top of it...” Pulling back now I cupped his face, with my eyes searching his out. “Logical? It’s the last thing to expect from yourself at a time like that. You have nothing to apologise for, you said sorry before, I just couldn’t accept it because I couldn’t see how I could face you and all that happened.”

Letting my hands drop I took a step back allowing myself a moment to face the boy I had wronged and allowing his forgiveness to soak into my soul. Some part of me still disbelieving the fact that I had brought us in here to go head-to-head. With the knowledge if we couldn’t solve whatever it was keeping us apart, the five years on this ship would be spent attempting to never cross paths with him. And that… I couldn’t live with…

Stepping back in, I hugged him again. “This is it… this is what fixes it… I want it, John… I want my friend back.” I hadn’t been paying attention to the sounds outside of the office, so when the door flew open behind me with the sound of a gasp.

‘I’m…. sorry… I didn’t know the room was occupied.’ #Abby stood with her gaze travelling from one face to the other. ‘Does this mean there is a truce once again?’ Her eyes and shoulders relaxing as she waited.  

•— John —•

Holding onto her was both the easiest and hardest thing I had ever done. I felt the front of my jumpsuit growing damp… and wanted to tell her not to cry. Everything would be okay… but I couldn’t know that. And if she needed to cry then why the hell shouldn’t she? I couldn’t deny the tears on my own cheek either. I rested my chin on the top of her head. Hoping that maybe she wouldn’t realise that teas rolled over my cheeks too.

“It’s okay, Stargazer.” I whispered… as though keeping my voice low would hide how it shook. “I won’t let it happen  again.” I meant it for both… the panic attack and losing faith in her… even if it had been involuntary at the time. But that was just one more reason not to let that weakness beat me again.

But like it was toying with me that pitch-black fear crept in the second she stepped  back. Like a shadow haunting me and waiting until I thought I had fortified myself against it; to strike and show me just how broken and undeserving I truly was.

But her slight form was back again and holding onto me sending the shadows running again. Then the shadows in the  room around us ran too. #AbgailGriffin stood in the doorway, and I didn’t know if I should curse her or kiss her… A few more moments of being locked in and embrace with Raven Reyes and I just might have done something exceedingly stupid.

I cleared my throat as best I could  and smiled. “A truce?” I looked at Raven convincingly confused. “Do you know what she’s talking about, Reyes?” I looked back to #Abby. “Was there a war? Am I so late with your rations you’re delirious with hunger?” I grabbed the bag and handed the doctor the little silver packet and one for #Jackson too.

•— Raven —•

With the back of my hand, I wiped my cheeks, the stream of tears may have been dried away. However, the puffy eyes, red nose and cheeks still gave me away. I really wished I wasn’t one of those people who showed their emotions for all to see, but at the same time. I know it was something that was a sign of strength. The not caring how others perceived me never mattered.

“Nope, no idea what you are talking about. There was no war, no white flags, no need to kick him.”

#Abby gave us both a telling look as her hand  reached out to take the rations which were owed to her.

‘Uhmm… you young ones think I don’t have eyes, just because the world is going to hell around us.’ She moved around us to go and sit behind the desk.

‘But as long as you are speaking. There’s nothing more I can hope for.’ I lifted my jacket off of her desk and then glanced out of the side of my eye at John.

‘Well? Are you both planning on taking the night shift here in the med bay?’ She waved her hand for us to leave.

“Before we go. Is there any news from the…. Clans? Luna and Octavia?  The Cryo? Are we ready to move?” She frowned leaning back in the chair, her gaze moving from John to me and then back again.

•— John —•

I brushed my finger along the back of the hand Raven hadn’t lifted the wiped away her tears. Letting her know I was still here… even though she probably didn’t want or need the gesture. But that didn’t take away from the fact that I meant it.

I chuckled at Abby and gave her a  subtle nod, hoping she’d realise everything was okay. Or on the way to okay, at least. I bit the inside of my lip when #Abby joked about taking a night shift… it stung, and I fought the urge to tell her I was more than willing. But I knew that was the bitter side of me rearing its ugly head again. I flicked my eyes to the side, to Raven’s side profile next to me… I twisted my wrist letting the back of my hand brush against hers. Bolstering myself to not let her down already… I took a breath and pressed my lips shut; letting the urge pass  by.

I turned to leave… moving slowly… waiting to see if Rey would follow. But her question stopped me in my tracks and I looked back at the doctor in earnest.

‘There will no… solo go…’ #Abby’s brows knit together.

“Sologonplei.” I offered her. “Single combat… it’s a grounder tradition. A fight to the death.” I couldn’t help the edge in my voice. I still couldn’t quell the feeling that no matter what way the fight went… #Luna’s life would be lost. Even if I was wrong and they let her live after she killed the red-blooded #Heda… She  would be forced into a lifelong role she never wanted.

‘Yes… They’ve agreed there will be no fight if Luna will nearly and pledge loyalty to Octavia.’ #Abby already had her hand raised to calm me before I said anything. I clenched my fists and winced in pain from the cuts on my palms from earlier. ‘Octavia hasn’t accepted the terms… yet. But she might not have a choice. Nobody needs to overreact until we hear #Luna’s opinion on the subject.’

I scoffed and pinched the bridge of my nose, taking deep breaths and trying to remind myself this  wasn’t all Abby’s fault before I said anything I might regret.

•— Raven —•

Twice, I felt John, gentle touch to the back of my hand twice. Things had been different between us for so long what it stilled me until I remembered how his touch used to calm the darkness in me on the Island. I pushed the thought back to unpack latter, right now my attention and eyes remained on the doctor.

“Luna will take no pledge of loyalty. None of are going to be made to take such a pledge of loyalty, so nor will Luna.” Holding my hand up to stop Abby before she could speak. “Luna went without thinking, without caring about the outcome to her own life with O called for help, that action in itself was witnesses by all those who were with Octavia at the time. They saw how Luna fought to save their lives and that in my eyes and in the eye of all who are here should be enough. Add to it the fact that she never wanted the so-called crown in the first place. That is all. We cannot make this work on the back of one woman… All those so-called grownups in the room, need to start learning the meaning of kindness and honour.”

#Abby’s eyes went to the door behind me, and I felt them before I saw them, turning around slowly I saw #Octavia, #Indra, and #Bellamy standing, but I didn’t care if they heard me, I hoped they did.

“Did you hear all of that, or do you need me to repeat it?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘I heard it all Rey, and I agree with you. However, you know the ways of the grounders.” She looked at #Indra.

“We are not on the ground, and this is not a place where we should be continuing with the ruled, they set on earth. I could have left them all to die.” Even saying it killed a fragment within me. “But we all risked our life to make the journeys to save those who wanted to come. If they wanted to come, they need to learn to find a middle ground.”

‘Dula op nou chich op Oso Heda… raun dise!’ (Do not speak to our Heda, in this way!) #Indra took a step forward, and I stood my ground.

‘Indra, NOU, hod op  em!’ (Indra, No, Stop it!) #Octavia placed a hand on her arm. ‘Rey is correct. Things need to be fair for all. It can’t be the rules of one people if we do not listen to all the voices.’

•— John —•

I was only a little shocked at Raven when she defended #Luna’s right to remain independent of the way the grounders ruled. I wouldn’t have doubted it before this… but up here… tension like this could destroy the entire ship. Our life raft.

She defended her with a passion that made me want to take her hand and squeeze it. But I resisted that impulse. She said it way better than I would have. If I hadn’t bitten my tongue I might have just offered colourful suggestions of where the council could shove their pledge. Raven’s was better.

Then she  turned on the Rouzblida Heda (Red-blooded Commander). Raven was back… my Raven was back… I only let that thought invade my mind for a moment. She was many things, but she would never be mine.

#Indra took a step towards Raven and I took a step forward in return. “Look… I’m sure #Luna will keep to her agreement of peace as she had with #Lexa. She won’t interfere with #Octavia’s rule and in return, Octavia can leave her be. She will take on duties like anyone else is expected to and pull her weight. But It's going to be #Luna’s choice… And the fight to the death needs to be entirely off the cards.”

‘Those terms won’t be acceptable to the grounders, Murphy and you know it. Flokru is gone… Luna is just one person now. But there will be no more conclaves. The time of the Flame has passed.’ Octavia’s hands were  turned out to us like she was trying to show us she was unarmed.

‘We can go round and round about this in circles… but you can’t discuss #Luna’s position when Luna isn’t here.’ #Abbly sounded frustrated. ‘There’s a meeting scheduled for after morning rations tomorrow.

John… Can you extend the invitation to #Luna?’

“Invitation?” I turned to #Abby, almost ready to laugh. We all knew it wasn’t an invitation. Glares were levied and sighs filled the room. “Fine… We’ll be there.”

‘John… you won’t be in the room. This discussion will be  about whether or not Flokru will join with Wonkru.’ Octavia almost sounded apologetic.

I laughed now and looked at Raven. “Okay then.” I squared my shoulders and placed myself in front of #OctaviaBlake. “Ai, Jon Mofi… badan kiln gon Flokru. Ai na teik badan raun gon lanik-de. Ai badan raun gon gaf in chilnes.” (I, John Murphy, swear loyalty to Flokru. I swear loyalty to the Sea. I swear to seek peace.) I didn’t shout, I wasn’t threatening in anyway. My voice was steady and even my heartbeat remained calm. I knew I could never live like Luna did, I knew that… But I would die for her right live her way.

Octavia took a step back and lifted a hand to stop an infuriated #Indra from advancing on me. ‘John…’ Octavia shook her head. ‘What the hell did you do?’ Her voice was dangerously quiet.

“As one of only  two surviving members of Flokru, I have a right to a seat at that table.” I dipped my chin in deference. “Heda.”

•— Raven —•

What had he done? John had gone and taken an oath to a clan that no longer existed but for their leader. And I wasn’t sure I knew how #Luna would feel about it when (yes when, not if) she heard about it.

This was one of those things I always told John about. The boy never learnt to think before acting. And he justified it by saying he wanted a seat around the table.

As the thought assembled my lips curled up into a smile. “This is brilliant!” The words slipped from my mouth and I didn’t stops them.

Without thinking I reached  out and took Johns hand squeezing it tightly.

“He is right, Luna no longer stands alone. Not that she was alone…. But in the rules which the grounders will understand. She now gets a seat at the table too.”

I knew she would hate it. #Luna despised the ways of these people, and to bet told she needed to sit with them and listen to their voices, would be tough. But it was better this way.

#Abby muttered something underneath her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose.

‘This boy is going to be the death of me.’ This time I made it out. ‘Tomorrow Murphy.’ #Octavia gritted her teeth. ‘We will address this all tomorrow.’ Turning on her heels, both #Indra and #Octavia left the med bay.

‘Well?’ #Abby had her arms crossed over her chest now. ‘Which one of you is going to tell #Luna?’

My free hand pointed  to John. “He is, it’s his bright idea.” Before she could tell us to get out. I tugged John out of the office.

“John… Murphy… What in the names of all the hells were you thinking? Damn you! I could kiss you! That was the best idea and I never thought of it myself!!” The moment we were in the corridor I hugged him so tight. “Why didn’t I think of it! But you’re still an idiot… and you’re really telling the zen master.”

•— John —•

I knew I had fucked up when Raven said 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵! She was being sarcastic… right? I turned to look at her to try and decipher her expression.

Everything else happened so fast. Had I just put a target on my own back now too? Had I made things harder for  #Luna? Luna and #Raven were always telling me we were stronger together. Then again… when had 𝕀 ever made anyone stronger?

I was being dragged out into the hallway and my chest was getting tight again. No… no, no, no. This was not going to happen to me again. But then she was speaking… and was I having a hallucination on top of everything else? Did she just say…?

“Huh?” The sound was all that came out. Then she called me an idiot and I laughed. This wasn’t a short laugh, it just kept going. And going… and going, until I had to put my hand on the wall to keep myself from doubling over. The cuts on my palm stung at the contact, not painful really… but it caught my attention enough to get a hold of myself. I looked back at Raven. “#Octavia’s gonna kill me.” I said a little breathlessly. She’d said I had to tell  #Luna what I had done. “#Luna’s gonna kill me!” I dragged my hand through my hair. “You’re going to come with me when I tell her, right?” My pale blue gaze pleaded with her.

•— Raven —•

The smile on my lips grew tenfold as I stepped back to take him in. John Murphy didn’t laugh so openly often, but when he did... his face glowed, his eyes glinted, and the sound he made, it would warm any heart.

I couldn’t imagine never hearing this sound ever again in my life and here I had been a hour ago readying myself to say good bye to him for good. If that was what he wanted, I would have given it to him.

Tilting my head to the side, my brows pulled together as he gathered himself.

“Oh, trust me, once this news gets out. There will be a  line of people who will want to kill you.”

Taking the hand he had places on the cold wall, I turned it palm side up. Shocked at the injury I found. “What did you do to your hand? Why didn’t you tell me it was hurt when I squeezed it?”

Shaking my head “shit… does it hurt? Do we need to go bad into the med bay?” The barrage of questions under themselves one after the other.

“Of course, I will go with you to talk to Luna…” but as I said it I paused. “Well… I’m not sure if she would want me there… but I can wait outside for you…” Then I shook my head my eyes still on his hand. “But first we need to fix you up.”

•— John —•

I knew she was right, Clarke would be furious that I just put a thirteenth clan back on the table… I didn’t let myself stop and think about whether or not that made Skaikru or Flokru the thirteenth clan now. Of if there was a hierarchy between the first twelve; other than  which one had a ruling Heda.

My heart stopped when she took my hand. As in it actually stopped beating for a few seconds... or at least it felt like it did. “I’m okay, Raven… it's just a scratch.” I resisted the urge to close my fist… We were past hiding from each other.

At least, I really hoped that we were.. and I guess that started with the cuts on my palms. I shoved the other into my pocket and dropped the bullet she’d pressed back into my hand in the med bay, into it. Then I held up the other hand and uncurled my fingers showing the matching bandages on that one too.

“#Jackson already looked at them. When I… when it happened I guess into dug my fingers into my palms. It’s really not that bad. Just stings a little sometimes. But I swear that I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.” I locked my gaze on hers. The fact she’d given that bullet back to me meant she was thinking about the time we spent in the bunker and maybe remembering how close I’d come to ending it. But I didn’t want her to think I was in that kind of dark place. Because I couldn’t protect her if  I was dead, or #Luna or #Emori. Those three women were all I cared about now.

“To be honest I had totally forgotten about it until just now… But look.” I fished out the bundle that #DocLite had given me, a fresh bandage and wipes to clean it. “#Jax said to keep it clean and  change the dressing in the morning. It’s all…” It was just then I realised I was reassuring her. That meant she was worried about me. If she was worried… she cared. My heart that was stopped moments ago pounded now.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Raven… Or…” I corrected myself. “At least, you don’t need to worry about these cuts, anyway… I’m not sure about everything else.”

I didn’t know what to say to her about #Luna not wanting to see her. That would never be true, she was family to Luna. She would always, always want to see her.

•— Raven —•

Why did it feel like I had just over stepped? That he didn’t want me to help or even know about the injuries he’d suffered?

Maybe the bridge we had broken still had some mending to do, because before John would have gone out of his way to milk anything to the furthest point for a little kind hearted sympathy.

I let his hand go, I didn’t know what had fully occurred. However, the picture #Jasper and #Emori has painted for me had been graphic enough to make my heartbreak with  angry at myself and my part in it all. “Okay. If Jax has looked you over and is fine with you looking after it yourself.” I took a step back.

The trauma he had  lived through, everything that’s arsehole #Jaha has done to him….. I pushed those thoughts out of the way for now.

“Give it time, maybe if this place…” My eyes wondered over the corridor. “…begins to feel like home. The everything else… it will… well… you know.”

Nodding my chin towards his hands again. “Just please take care of those. We can’t afford for an infection to settle in. It would be a shame if I have to cut your hands off.”

Okay, the last part was meant to be funny. However, there was an element of sarcasm and fact there too.

•— John —•

I wiggled my fingers when she let go of my hand… it felt a few degrees warmer than the rest of me. “I’m sure #Jackson will be keeping an eye on it… he’s making me see him three times a  week or…” Should I tell her? Would letting her know I was diagnosable crazy, be a deal breaker for her?

Even after #FinnCollins lost it and shot up a whole village, she still never gave up on him… But she had known him all her life. Loved him all her life, as friends… as more than friends… and I was pretty sure #Finn had never shot her either… I definitely couldn’t tell her my choices were this talk therapy stuff or forcible medication. She would find him and ring his neck for going back to the Ark Survival Method. “He… um… said a lot of things… to me, that I’m not totally sure I understand.”

I looked around as we walked to  the room I shared with #Emori and #Luna. “Home… maybe… I mean… you and #Luna says home is where your people are right?” I smiled. I was trying to see the upside to all of this, I was really trying. “My people are here… But…” That was the problem though… people that weren’t my people were everywhere too.

“You know what the hardest part is? Remember on the Ark…. You couldn’t turn a corner without passing a dozen people. Everywhere, all the time… too many people…” I shook my head. “I know we were only on the ground for a few  months but there was so much space… There were times when I walked and walked for days and never once encountered another person. It was shocking how fast I got used to that. There’s just…” I stepped aside as a group of people bustled passed us. “So many people. And I’m  not… I know for a long time I was a thorn in everyone's side… but I thought for a while there on the island that I was… useful. Up here… I don’t have a purpose anymore. It leaves too much time to think.”

•— Raven —•

He was doing it again, holding back when before he wouldn’t have when we spoke. Or at least it was how I recalled our conversations.

I took another few steps, then he kept going. Coming to a stop before I continued walking by his side. This was still for a moment I didn’t  want to say anything, just to listen, and allow him to say whatever was on his mind.

“If you don’t understand, ask him to explain it better. And ask again and again until you are sure you have a grasp of what is happening or being said.”

I kept up with his set pace down  the corridor, moving to the side as others passed us by, none of the men giving me eye contact. The women and the children smiling or nodding their heads.

“Who knew you actually heard and retained the impression from our words.” A little teasing in my voice. A small girl came running into me while playing with her brother. I lent down and caught her setting her on her feet.

“Kefa.” (Careful) I smiled rubbing her arms, she ran off playing again.

“I hear you, and I understand what you mean.” I did understand, “however at the same time I’d found ways to carve out time and places for myself on the Ark.”

My brows furrowed as I heard what he meant, and how this change would impact him. Had anyone listened and took his worries onboard? Most likely not.

“I’m sorry if you do not feel that you have the safety we had on the island. It was the only time we felt like someone wouldn’t kill us in our sleep.” I got that. “But I couldn’t leave people to die.” Stopping my arm reached out as more people rushed past us.

I turned to look at him. “If you want…” was I really going to offer  this to him, know how he disliked what I did.

“I could always do with a helping hand down in pits of the ship, it’s a big beast… and I know it’s not what you like doing…”

Shrugging my shoulders, I turned to walk again. “The offer is there, if not to work you can go there to hide and have some alone time whenever you like?”

•— John —•

I nodded, she was right… but something inside of me wanted to resist that, it felt like participating in the therapeutic process. I knew it was ridiculous, but everything in me screamed at me to resist it. “I will… I mean, if I have to sit with him three times a week I should  probably know why, right?” I laughed… I knew why. I was insane… but I suppose knowing to what degree was probably a good place to start.

A real smile slipped through when the child bumped Raven, even as one hand reached out ready to steady her if it had knocked her off  balance. “I was always by myself.” I admitted. “Even in a room full of the rest of the rejects… or with three bunkmates in the skybox. I was still alone, even surrounded by people.”

I watched the siblings playing. I remembered the boy, he had been in the med bay, but luckily, he was one of the first discharged. Seeing children was still a wonder to me. I had seen kids, of course, just not many… and I wasn’t sure I had ever seen a baby before and now; it was possible there could be a newborn on the ship in a matter of weeks. Depending on what  happened with the cryo plan.

“There are some upsides to more people though… sometimes.” I smiled… The kids disappeared around the corner.

Raven's words sank in; my eyes widened a little and I looked at her, trying not to look stunned. “Oh… Rey… No… You did the right thing. That's what we were doing on the island right? Trying to save as many people as possible… you did that. One person feeling better isn’t worth even a single life, never mind hundreds.”

Something stirred in my chest when she made her offer. “You want to work with me  again?” I teased her, feeling genuinely lighter and a little exhausted from the constant swinging of my mood. I felt like for the first time I was struggling to keep pace with her. “I’ll give you an extra set of hands anytime you want, Raven… But Alone… No thanks… Is it  too much to ask to not be alone all the time and not be surrounded by strangers all at once?” I knew it was… it even sounded ridiculous.

•— Raven —•

The smile on my lips brought on by the little girl faded away as John’s words began to reverberate in my mind.

“Wait..” frowning a little. “Three times a week?” He was seeing #Jax three times a week? Something prickled a memory or a thought. Stopping I placed a hand on his arm, having him face me. Looking back over my shoulder to wait for the space around us to become clear so that no one else over heard. Not because there was any shame in the question I was about to ask. But because it was private to him.

“Has Jax put you into therapy?”

As I asked the question it all began to fall into place. He was talking to #Jax, writing in a book, talking about the heartbreaking experience of being alone when you were surrounded by others. Telling me there were too many people onboard one moment, and the next saying he didn’t want to be alone. I’d seen these signs before.

Add to it the aftermath I witnessed with my own eyes in the cell. And the beach… the bunker on the island… the way I had seen him gazing  out into the sea… And then there had been the pain in those eyes of his, when he begged me to bring him up here with me…

Hells! What was wrong with me? Why had I missed all these signs?

“Please tell me… has he put you on meds?” The hand on his arm curled a little tighter. The old way of doing things hadn’t worked. It had just made people addicts, without the knowledge of what they were doing in the long run.

And what would happen to John when the drugs ran out. Because we all knew it was all going to run out at some point.

I didn’t want that for John. Not now, not ever. Hells I would find #Jax and punch his light out! What the hells… what was he thinking?

•— John —•

I nodded, looking around as the hallway began to clear… it was getting late, and most people wanted to be in their rooms or dorms with their families or clans; after whatever work detail they were assigned to was finished. “Yeah.” I admitted; it was easier than I expected… but I wasn’t sure that would apply to everyone… But this was Raven, and I wanted to tell her everything. I yanked the folded notebook out of the pocket of my jumpsuit. “Homework… talk sessions or whatever you want to call them…” The way her eyes darkened at the mention of  the medication… Like she was as terrified of the idea as I was. “He wanted to… but if I’m a good boy and do as I’m told… He said he won’t recommend it.”

I tilted my head; her posture had gone rigid. I recognised this; it was how she contained herself before she raged… not that her rages were particularly explosive. They were controlled, measured and scary as all hell when you were on the receiving end… and the worst part about it… she was always fucking right.

“Rey… it's fine… I’ll do the stupid diary. I’m doing the therapy…” I reached out and put my hand on her arm, keeping my voice down, just in case anyone else came along. “Whatever the hell is broken in my head. I’ll either fix it or figure out how to convince them I fixed it. Maybe this will even be a good thing… I actually…” I shuffled from  foot to foot. “Think it could be good… maybe… Not a lot of people ever wanted to take any kind of time to help me… I think #Jackson believes this will… maybe after a while, I’ll even get a full night's sleep and #Emori won’t be falling asleep during her breakfast.” I gave  a self-deprecating laugh. “I swear… I will not fall into that vicious cycle.” As I made the promise, I hoped with every shred of the sentiment I had left that it was one I could keep. I would do everything I could to make it happen.

She’d watched as she lost #Finn to whatever madness had taken his mind, and I know her love for him hadn’t been the same as it had on the Ark when he died. But I would never forget how she screamed that night, how even then… not knowing how I would eventually feel for this woman, it made me wish I had taken  his place like she wanted, I knew she still loved him. They had been like family. I wouldn’t make her watch that again… especially not after everything we had, just moments ago, put behind us.

“I won’t do anything that will take me away from you…” I waited too long before I added. “Or #Luna or #Emori. We’re family, right?”

•— Raven —•

Reaching up i place my hand on the one he held up with his notebook in it. “You keep that book close to you. This is private and no one has the right to see it.”

I didn’t want anyone using his inner thoughts as a weapon against him. We all had dark moments and feeling, which out of context could be interpreted in the wrong way.

“Therapy is what people call it. And it can help, it can really help if you don’t play around and really give it a shout.” My eyes darted toward the corridor which would lead down towards the Med Bay. Could I find #Jax in there?

“I don’t give a crap if you’re good or bad. Meds aren’t something anyone can push on you without your permission and consent.” Had no one on this ship learnt their lessons? My eyes were back on him. “No John, it’s not fine… not if you aren’t sure what to expect… I mean no one knows what will could out when they start this journey, however some understanding would help to gain your trust in the process.”

His hand came to rest on my arm, until which time I hadn’t noticed just how rigid I’d become.

“Crap…”

There were so many directions I could feel myself being pulled. #Luna, the ship, the clans… our future and survival, and John…

Placing a hand over his I squeezed. “Who on this ship isn’t broken, John? You at least have agreed to take the first step towards healing, I’m proud of you.”

My eyes prickled a little searching his, when I thought he had just said I was family. That the two other girls in his life and I were family? This was the first time he’s said that up here. That we all belonged.

“It doesn’t matter to us if you mess up. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it all. Just be careful, and honest with yourself. The rest w— huh… I will deal with.”

I had lost the right to say “we”, #Emori wasn’t a fan right now, and #Luna? I’d pushed her away.

•— John —•

I nodded. “I plan on it.” I said, tucking the book back into my pocket. “Jackson said it was up to me if I wanted it to be something I shared with him or something private… I guess we’ll see what happens when I start it.” I already knew I probably wasn’t going to share it…  mostly because I wasn’t expecting anything particularly poignant or worthwhile to spill from my head onto the pages.

#Jackson told me that if I cooperated and didn’t become a danger to myself or others he wouldn’t force the issue of medication, but if I told her that would  she think I was dangerous? Would it change everything we’d just resolved? I didn’t think so… but there was still a bite of fear that it could risk us.

“I won’t let that happen. I’ll do everything he asks. But… I know you say that we're all broken… So… why isn’t…” I stopped… how could I say this without sounding like a child? “Why am I the only one that can’t hide it like the rest?” I was far from the only one… but right now I felt like I had a huge target on my back and all my weak points had been exposed the everyone that witnessed what happened in that cell… and everyone that #MilesShaw would eventually blab it to.

But then she…. Did she really just say that? I made a sound of disbelief. The last time I heard those words was when #Abby said them to me after I handed her the meds for #Adria. And I don’t think I ever heard them before that. I had no idea what I was supposed to say to that. I was stunned into silence. Her eyes told me she meant it… the gold flashed through the darkness, and I hated that the darkness was my doing again.

“We…” I cleared my throat. “We should get to #Luna and #Emori before they hear my declaration from someone else.” Her hand was still on mine and I couldn’t bare to be the one to break the contact, so I didn’t.

•— Raven —•

My heart broke a little more in this moment I shared with John, I could see the anguish in those eyes. The sadness of what happened in the past and the uncertainty of what was yet to come.

We all felt it, sure we did. How could you not. But John…  “We will go find them.” I said finally. “However, we are going to make a stop. Come on Watcher.” Tugging his hand and him with it.

I started up the corridor and then took a startling turn into a door I knew would open up into a small cabin. It was unoccupied but it had a  small round funny shaped window to it.

“You just asked why you right. How others can deal with it all.” I took him up to the window before letting his hand go to point out.

“Do you see all those stars Watcher? From here you see them like a sea of light, but if you look closer, and really pay attention. You’ll see how some are brighter, some are smaller, some seem rounded, and others look like shards…”

The words dried up, giving the two of us time to really take the sight before us in. It was beautiful, the silence, giving your mind a chance to slow and to stop thinking.

“What I’m trying to say…” once I remembered why I brought him here. “We all deal with things in different ways, John. Some of us will have certain reactions to one thing, while others will not be moved at all. No two people are the same. So, don’t judge yourself based on what others do. Set your expectations based on your own personal experiences.”

•— John —•

Yet again I had my hand in hers and I was following her lead. It still startled me; how easy it was to step into an enclosed space with her and not instantly check my person for the most readily available weapon… even though all of mine were gone now. Save the knife I still  kept in my boot… but with her… I never felt the need to reach for it… or even shift my foot to assure myself it was still there.

My eyes turned up to the odd little window and I smiled. Not a single hint of the smouldering planet below us. I felt the absence of her hand  like her letting it go was akin to having mine dunked in ice water, and as she pointed out to the blue and white points of light, I found myself looking only at her.

When she stopped talking, I turned my gaze to the sea of light she had been watching, I let the silence spread  between us. Waiting until she was ready to continue.

I swallowed hard when she did, everything that she said made sense. But it only served to comfort the thoughts that 𝕤𝕙𝕖 didn’t see this thing that went wrong in my head as a weakness. She wouldn’t judge me for it… but she was wrong about everything else. It was a weakness, a vulnerability. Tears stung my eyes and I fought to keep them from falling.

With my gaze still fixed on the universe outside, I said. “But how will I judge myself if it happens again and I get someone killed? If we’re  in danger and I lose control like that, and you get hurt because of me… again.” My voice was tight as I tried to control the shake in it.

Fuck! So much for my resolve that I would never let it happen again.

“I never want to be any part of the reason that you or the others get hurt. Not even indirectly… this thing… is a liability.” I felt a tremble run through my jaw. “I’m a liability.” I took her hand and focused my eyes on it. “And I’m far too selfish to walk away from you even though it might be the only way to keep you safe. Something in my broken, shit show of a mind still thinks that we are stronger together… and everything else is telling me I’ll get us all killed if I don’t let go.”

Despite the fight I put up; a tear broke free. I swiped it away with my free hand and looked up to meet her eyes… Real stars reflected in them now. I squeezed her hand. “But I don’t want to let go. I never wanted that.” My voice was embarrassingly pinched now, I  couldn’t bring myself to care; it seemed like such a small concern in the scheme of things.

•— Raven —•

If our world wasn’t burning beneath us, I’d scream out that seeing John this lost and in excruciating discomfort shattered my world.

I didn’t pull away from his hold, if my friend needs my hand, I would give it to him, if he needed me to listen, I would hear him out, if he needed to scream or shout… I would let him. But John didn’t do anything but open his heart out to me. Before me, stood the boy I’d seen when we were on the island. Someone I thought I had lost forever.

“John…” My own voice broke while tears welled in my eyes,  witnessing this boy break in such a manner overwhelmed my heart.  Cupping his face with my free hand I bought him closer. Resting my forehead to his I watched him, not closing my eyes for a second.

“That’s when you need to believe in this dysfunctional family  of ours, to believe in Emori, and Luna.. in Jasper, Monty and Harper.., in Abby and Jax..” Reeling out the names I knew he had built a bond with over time. “They will catch you, watch you, protect you.” Biting on my lips as the first of my tears fell freely.

“I don’t want  you to let go, didn’t we say we were going to be there for one another? We are going to fight, and scream, and shout, but in the end, we will always be there when we need one another?”

My voice was a whisper, and I squeezed the hand he held onto. “You, John Murphy, are not a  liability. You had faith in me when I’d been one. And you showed me how when someone had trust in you, you can fight anything. So, now I need you to understand. I have your back. I will not leave you, so fight this thing…. However, not by yourself… We are with you… I am with you… Even if it means I need to sit up all night long  just so you can sleep.”

Wiping his cheek with my thumb I closed my eyes just breathing with him. Letting him know that I.. Raven Reyes, I wouldn’t fail him or our friendship again.

•— John —•

I had brought tears to her eyes again and I instantly felt the guilt that came with it. Did I really have any right to unload all of this onto her? I was losing my mind… but it didn’t compare to what had happened to her. The code had been stealing hers from her along with her  life.

It broke me that she excluded herself from the list of people she viewed as part of my family, and she did it with her hand on my face, my breath hitched a little and I had to fight to hear her over the raging urge to lean into that touch. “I’m not letting go.” I whispered. I knew I should, I knew it would be better for all of them, but I was going to do all of those things she was talking about to hold onto them. And hope I didn’t get them killed. I would catch them, watch them, protect them.

Her words sank in and again the tension in my chest and jaw started to ease, there was something about her that soothed all my rough edges. It wasn’t the feelings I had for her that resurfaced every time I tried to bury them. It came from Raven, this intrinsic ability to make me feel like maybe… just maybe  I could be whole again, with her help.

She brought me right back to that night when I almost disembowelled her… and her reaction was to sit with me while I finally got some sleep. I pulled her in for a hug… That was okay, right? She’d hugged me earlier… Hell!! I  wish I could make a decision without instantly questioning it. I wanted to tell her that I knew she had my back; because I did. But I could never seem to block out that voice that told me she was here out of pity or obligation, even though I knew it was bullshit. I had given  her every reason and every chance to cut me out of her life and she was still here.

“You were only ever a liability to yourself, Stargazer.” I whispered, my arms wrapping around her narrow frame easily. “Thank you… because I don’t think I can do this without you as part of that dysfunctional family that you are talking about… And if you’re going to sit up all night then you have to let me do the same.”

•— Raven —•

I filled him with more questions than answers, or at least this is how it felt to me. I couldn’t believe my tears had flowed so freely, not when I had meant to be his support while no one else could be. With my emotions taking control of me, I was sure John would feel the need to take care of me when it hadn’t been my attention at all.

“That’s not true and you know it, Watcher. You saw it all. Everything. Even when people wanted things to remain hidden. It’s why I gave you the name… remember…”

My arms slipped around his neck without any hesitation, this boy had been there to keep my upright in times when my darkness had threatened to consume me whole. So, right when my friend needed me. I would not pull away from him. Or, had he taken me into his arms because he felt I was the one who needed him to be strong and hold me together? Hells… This friendship think had come so easily to me with him before. Now I found myself questioning all my actions and discussion with him.

“I think that defeats the goals.” Resting my cheek on his shoulder, my eyes looked to the wall. “I need you to not hold back in any way, and sleep is the first step which is in your power. At least until with help you learn how to keep the shadows from taking over.” Uncertain if my words were of any benefit, I knew that I would want things to go unsaid in the fear.

I closed my eyes remaining still, letting him take the time he needed. Somewhere in one of #Becca’s fictional books I’d read a character say:

‘Never let go of a person when they hug you, if they came in for the connection, allow them to be the one to say when they were done.’  

•— John —•

“The things you couldn’t control weren’t your fault.” I whispered. “That would be like blaming a patient for being sick… you can’t deny that because… as you said, you gave me that nickname for a reason.” I knew she was thinking of the times she’d hurt me. “I would do it all again, I would not change a single thing that happened… even when I screwed up royally… because it was all a step on the road to you getting better.” If I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t… not even if it fixed the mistakes I regretted to the core of my being, because any change could alter the path and Raven could be gone.

She had put her arms around me so easily and it wasn’t like before… On the island we hadn’t hugged a lot… but she had always seemed to move towards me, not away like everyone else. And that was back. I remembered holding her after her violent awakening from her comas, trying to stop her from hurting herself. During her dark times trying to beat back the shadows and keep her from hurting anyone else, knowing how hard she’d punished herself. Holding her when she was  fitting… terrified she’d die in my arms, but even more afraid to let go so she wouldn’t die alone if it came to that. Those small touches that let her sleep at night just a little more peacefully.

Then there were the times when she did hug me.. when she’d squeeze my arm or my hand just before I did something stupid. Sometimes standing next to me, holding on in support of whatever stupid thing I was doing. Pulling me out of a room before my temper or my anxiety got the better of me. And so much more… More than I could let myself get lost in the  memories of right now.

But these hugs… these were different. Like we were propping each other up; like neither of us had the strength to stay upright but together… we could lean in and brace ourselves.

I laughed a little, my hand rubbing down her back, stopping midway. “No… a few hours each is better than where we are right now, isn’t it? Unless we sleep together… see how that works—” I stopped and pulled back enough to see her face… I had just kept talking because I hadn’t meant it how it sounded and it took a second to sink in. Shit!!

“Okay… that sounded way different in my head.” I gave a short laugh, hoping she’d brush it off as a slip of the tongue. I had watched #Luna and #Emori share the bed in our room, they always seemed contented. Comforted, by the presence near them. That was the picture on my  mind when those poorly chosen words slipped out.

“I promise… I’ll do this… I’ll… do whatever it takes to be better. To make sure they don’t try to medicate me.” I moved my hand up her back and to her forearms… “Okay, we need to get a hold of ourselves before we face  #Luna…” I took in the streaks on her face where tears had fallen… I was sure mine were the same. I wiped them away with a light brush of my fingers across her cheek “Or before we dehydrate ourselves with all these tears.”

•— Raven —•

His face when I finally saw it said a million and one things, all which I couldn’t fully understand or appreciate. However, the words he did say made my back stiffen and then I burst out in such high laughter.

It came from nowhere, unexpected, however much needed. My cheeks hurt a little by the time I could pull myself back together, stepping out of his personal space once he pulled himself at arm’s length to look at me.

“Oh. So let me get this straight. You’re willing to try anything to get better, just not sleeping with me? If I were any other girl, John Murphy. I’d take offence to that.” Punching him on the arm laughing again, before I wiped his face the way he did mine. “It’s a good thing I know you. And I know you’d never want to sleep with me like that.”

Shaking all the sudden, what had that been? A pang of emotion I pushed away. Shaking it off. I tugged on my ponytail, tightening it before nodding my head from side to side.

“As long as you fight for yourself, then the rest of us won’t be fighting against you.” Nodding towards the way we came. “Come on, I believe you’re ready, let’s face the music and see if the Zen Master is about to lose her crap on you.”

Stepping backwards still keeping him in my eye-line. “With all honesty, so you know where I will be if she wants to kick your arse. The sidelines. Watching, and learning, from her badarse moves.”

Trying to joke and lighten this mood before he felt it was too much for him to handle.

•— John —•

I laughed… probably far too hard… the entire time along this fucking crazy road to learning my feelings for her; I never once thought about anything getting to that stage. I had barely moved past wondering what it would be like if we could ever even be friends again. Those  kinds of fantasies… well that was it, wasn’t it? It would be a fantasy. She was never going to see me as anything other than a member of her dysfunctional family. Just being in her life was all I could ever ask for.

I could tell my slip had made her extremely  uncomfortable… I bit my tongue and shook it all off. She was here… she had let me back into her life. I knew how to be that guy… the one that made her laugh and distracted her from the discomfort she lived with every day.

“Well… hey now… Let’s not get too hasty  here…” I smirked, falling back into that friend mode that was still one hundred percent genuine, something I would never give up with her… not even in my wildest fantasy. “Five years is a long time, Stargazer.” I exaggerated the O. “You sure you can resist me for that long?”

I shook my hand at her and took her hand. “I have no idea what to expect… but good luck with the sidelines plan. I’m not above using you as a human shield… and I have two good legs… so the odds are in my favour.”

Before she could retort I tugged her from the room  at a reasonable pace for her, glancing back to make sure she was keeping up easily.

•— Raven —•

“Arsehole move, Watcher… Arse…. Hole…. Move!” Laughing, I punched him in his arm again as we started down the corridor. The laughter and teasing I’d missed, but more so it was the friendship. He and #Luna had made a place for themselves in my world, my family, and When I lost them from it. I felt hollow in my soul. However, now. Now I had them both back.

“Jokes aside, have you thought how we are going to tell her?” Pulling on our hands to bring John closer as a group of grounders came down the hall we’d just turned down. This part of the ship had come to life. There were whispered, the sounds of footsteps, young children playing and rushing. It was miles away from the ghost ship we had found.

“Personally, you know she’ll read it the second she sets eyes on your face. The girl had an uncanny way to read you. You really cannot keep anything from her.” It was #Luna’s eyes. She could see through anything, it didn’t matter the kind of wall your attempted to build, they all came crashing down when she stood before you. Half of the time, she wouldn’t even have to say a word. The look was enough.

•— John —•

“If you meant that you would have punched me harder.” I laughed. “I knew you can hit harder than that, Rey.”

I slowed a little and still held onto her hand, I had a valid excuse for wanting to keep her close and I was going to use it for all it was worth. “Um… No…” I  admitted chewing on the inside of my cheek. “Is really cowardly that I’m half hoping she knows already, and she can just scream at me in trig.”

I knew that it was. But honestly, I had no idea what to say. “Maybe I should make the ‘#Flokru pledge to her? I mean I know swearing  to the #Heda kind of trumps everything… Unless the red-blooded thing is going to be an issue. Or…” It dawned on me, and my eyes widened… “Or if #Luna decides to banish me!” Shit!! Shit! That was a typical way that grounders lost their Clan. #Luna’s people were peaceful. I was a murderer… Shit!

“I never even considered that… Shit!” I hadn’t meant to say that thought out loud. I had just opened myself to yet another rejection… Why would she want me of all people, to be the only person in her clan? The wildest of wildcards.

I turned to be a murderer… Shit!

“I never even considered that… Shit!” I hadn’t meant to say that thought out loud. I had just opened myself to yet another rejection… Why would she want me of all people, to be the only person in her clan? The wildest of wildcards.

I turned to  Raven. “I have no idea what to say to her. I know she cares about me… but I doubt she wants someone like me in her kru.”

•— Raven —•

His walk slowed and I knew it wasn’t for my benefit this time. His features construed. And he was muttering to himself and maybe to me. 

All sense of humour disappeared from between us, and this time it had nothing to do with our friendship. He seemed to be consumed by his fear of what #Luna would say any think. However, he went to the extreme. 

“Hey… John… hey…” I tugged on his hands so that he would look at me. To see the genuine smile on my lips. 

“This is Luna, you know… the Zen Master, our shadow, sister…. Will she be upset? Yeah. You and I both know she will. However, she’s not like us. She doesn’t react without learning the full story. She will listen to you. Listen to how this all made to be, and then she will see the love, and the concern this action feed out of.” 

Biting my lips, I wasn’t sure if I should say the next part, but it wasn’t a dig at him. It was the truth. “Please learn from the mistakes you and I both made. Not having trust, not communicating, not asking for help… that’s what broke us… and She was the one telling me at least to look at the bigger picture. To talk to you. But I didn’t. And we know where we ended up.” 

Slowly I tugged him by the hand he still held, we weren’t far from their quarters now. “She is steps away. We will go in, we will tell her everything, and we will take whatever she says or doesn’t say. Okay? We… you aren’t alone… I’m right here with you…” 

•— John —•

Fuck!!! She was comforting me again… why was I such a mess! This was exactly what I meant by being a liability… I was making her feel like she needed to protect me. She had much bigger things to worry about. She tugged me two steps closer to my doom…

Did Raven understand what it means to pledge yourself to a clan? Did she know that now; the grounders would no longer consider me #Skaikru? #Abby and #Kane would be violating any agreement made with the red-blooded Heda by claiming me. If #Luna wanted to put an end to #Flokru… we would both be  clanless.

She tugged me two steps closer to my potential future in no man's land…. Or worse. No… this was #Luna. Raven was right… She wouldn’t leave me at risk like that. I had just made myself her burden for however long I lived. Four steps closer.

Five. Then we were at the door. I let out a long breath and squeezed Raven’s hand, I couldn’t make the words come to ask her not to let go. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to. But everything we shared today was enough for me to know that she wouldn’t. I punched in the code and the door swooshed open.

#Emori and #Luna rushed forward and hit me with a million questions about what happened and if I was okay. I stepped inside and pulled Raven with me. It was time to face the Zen Master’s music.

•— THE END—•

[oktorpg]

In Orbit – Solo by John Murphy

〖 𝕀𝕟 𝕆𝕣𝕓𝕚𝕥 〗

☌ #The100 #The100RP #AU

☍ An @OsoKikThruOgeda  Story

☌ #JasperJordan POV

It was two days. Two days in space, kept in bed constantly feeling like I was about to throw up. But whatever meds the Doc was giving me seemed to be working;  because no matter how nauseous I got… nothing else came up. But #Abbie finally told me I could leave. The pretty nurse called #Lizze showed me where Harper and Monty were staying, saying they’d asked for a room big enough for the three of us. She told me that almost everyone else had chosen to take a room for themselves, other than #Luna, John and #Emori. The only thing that shocked me about that was; she never mentioned Raven staying with them. I didn’t think anyone could break up that foursome.

#Harper and #Monty weren’t in our room… they were working on setting up the algae farm… there were too many people on this ship and the supplies on board weren’t going to last. The pressure was on my boy to provide. But in the meantime, I was off to get my protein ration for the day, when I walked into the mess hall I saw #Emori slumped over a table with a silver packet clutched in her good hand… licked clean. The rest of the place was empty.

I set my hand gently on her shoulder. “Hey… Emori.” I said quietly. “Are you okay?” She bolted upright like I had just slapped her. I pulled back and held my hands up showing her it was just me and I wasn’t going to hurt her.

“It’s just me… Are you okay?” I asked, taking the seat next to her. “Why are you sleeping here?”

‘I’m okay… I’m just tired… Sleeping has been… difficult.’ She ran her hand over her face. ‘But look at you!’ She forced a smile. ‘Finally, a free man.’

I didn’t let her change the subject though. “We’ve had two nights with real beds and nothing trying to kill us Emori… Why aren’t you sleeping?”

She shook her head and stood up… ‘Come on… I’ll show you where to get your grub before this place really wakes up.’ She said, crossing the room to the table where the rations were laid out. At the end of that table, John was there laying things out and then tapping something into a tablet in front of him. It was seeing him that made it dawn on me. He looked awful… he was clean… he wore the same guard uniform jumpsuit that I did. He was freshly shaved… his hair was still a little wet so he’d showered. He was doing a really good job at playing it like everything was fine. But he was pale, his eyes were dull and even a little bloodshot, not to mention ringed with dark shadows.

“It’s his nightmares isn’t it?” I  asked her, keeping my voice low. The look she gave was all I needed. “I know... The mansion was big but not that big.”

‘It's not his fault.’ She said defensively. It had been hard to work them both out, but on the island, it became clear that they had become family after whatever happened in the desert. I had briefly wondered if John Fucking Murphy was in love… but this was something else. I mean I was fairly sure he had; but not with Emori… The only problem with John was figuring out if it was love, obsession or a survival tactic. I had ruled out the last one when we stayed at the mansion and waited for Raven to come back.

“I know… that’s not what I meant. But… why don’t you stay in our room for one night? I can’t see your roommates minding. You need a night of sleep…” She looked at me like she  was thinking about it and then… guilt flooded her expression. “Think about it.” Then I gave up on keeping my voice down. “So… how come John got this gig?” I pointed. Clearly, he was given the job of managing the rations.

‘I was unceremoniously volunteered once most people  had their burns and sickness treated and my use in med bay ran out.’ John stared at #Emori.

‘What!?’ She laughed. ‘You were the one feeding everyone on the island. It made sense.’ She shrugged and John slid me a package and tapped what I assumed was my name into his  tablet.

‘Except on the island, there was such a big stash that I didn’t need to tell people that they couldn’t have any more.’ John shook his head. ‘Handing out packets isn’t exactly cooking.’

I noticed a few people behind him moving boxes and counting. I didn’t recognize  them. ‘Grounders.’ John explained. ‘A lot of them don’t speak English so anyone that speaks Trig is being grouped with them.’

“Are you okay with that?” I asked, he didn’t have the best history with grounder… I mean, none of us did really.

‘They are Shallow Valley and  Rockline… I never had any problems with them.’ he added. His tablet beeped and he looked at his friend. ‘Wake up call.’ He told her. Emori looked at me and asked if I wanted to take my breakfast to go and she’d give me a tour.

As she showed me around, she explained to me that she had been helping John, but people… especially Sangedakru (Her people) refused to take their rations from a Freikdreina. I wanted to say that those people should have been let go hungry, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t exactly be helpful.

So, John had given her a  heads up so she could get out of there before people began arriving. She took me to where Monty had started his algae farm, but he wasn’t there. Only #Harper was.

‘#Kane and #DrGriffin are having a meeting with the Grounder leaders to make a survival plan…’ Harper said, uncertainty in her voice. ‘#Bellamy and #Clarke were invited… #Octavia too… and #Monty… since he’s probably the best choice for the Algae farm. All the Farmers were in the bunker with #Jaha. I think Raven was invited too…’

‘Clarke is making decisions again?’ My  brows pinched and my stomach started to churn.

This was going to end badly.

[oktorpg]

It's Your Burden to Bear - Rey's Solo

The sky turned from the dark night into the early morning yellow, which then turned into a grey start of the day. I wasn’t sure what time it was when I slipped out of the lab in need of some alone time, but I do know that my feet had carried me to the docks instead of the mansion I had been aiming for. Some part of me knew that maybe I would never see that mansion, or the rose garden with the baby rabbits again. That it was time to say good bye to a dream that I had created on a crumbling timeline.

I knew when we set off to come to this island that I wasn’t going to live, that I had hours or days to help those I caried about to survive. However, being the stubborn person that I was born as. Not only had I lived longer and cured myself. I had managed to save #Abby too. The family we had grown to become on this island had fractured for me, however they remained intact with one another. In a blink of an eye, I had become an outsider amongst those who I had promised my last dying breaths too.

The sound of a broken branch hit my ears before she spoke, the moment I realised who it was I understood that she made the sound so that I knew she was here with me.

‘Hanch mou gou Yu geimbreika gon hon daun?’ ( How much more time are you planning to take? )

“Time?” I move my eyes from the white stone obelisk, and rested them on the boat again. I had spent the morning hours counting the number of bullet holes in the side. Wondering how and why I thought it was a good idea to leave this place without all the hands we needed for help. “Time for what exactly?” I finally asked her as she came to sit beside me on the sun-bleached fallen log.  

‘Yu get in, gon chit.’ ( You know, for what. ) I still refused to look away from the water and the dead fish littering the  rocky shoreline. #Luna hadn’t told me about this, that things had become so bad so quickly.  

‘Sen ai op…’ ( Listen to me ) She placed a hand on my shoulder, slowly turning me to face her.

‘Ai get in.  Ai ge em.  Yu bash op.  Yu nai bastab y skwad.  Ba that’s Oso life.  Oso gon daun opleis deyon gon huk in em  gon  nes.  Emo gaf Yu.  Ai gaf Yu.  He gaf in Yu. ’

( I know. I get it. You’re hurt. You feel betrayed by a friendship. But that’s our life. We fight every way to make it to the next day. They need you. I need you. He needs you. )

My eyebrows pulled together as it took me a few moments to translate all that and then understand what she had been trying to tell me.

“That doesn’t help. And I am over it.” I was far from over anything, it was all weighting me down to the point that I had questioned my own worth to this group, now that I didn’t have the brain waves to help as fast as I once could have. Everything now took twice as long to complete.

When she saw the confusion in my eyes. #Luna started to speak in my tongue. ‘We both know you just lied to me. And you said they would be no lies.’

“I don’t have time for this conversation.” Picking up and throwing the ball sized rock into the sand. Anger spiking and making my blood rush up into my cheeks.

‘You will make time. Did you hear what I said to you? They all need you!’ #Luna stood up and placed herself in my sight line. ‘You are going to come back to the lab with me, you are going to show them they can have faith in you.’

My mind flashed back to the lab where they all would be around #Marcus as he awoke from the coma that #Jax and #Abby had placed him in.  “Just because they need me, doesn’t mean I lock myself down and just show up. I am only human Luna...”

‘Yes. It. Does.’ It was the blunt truth that only the #ZenMaster could give me.  ‘This is what our life is about. We all have a role to play. And have our responsibilities. Yours is to keep their hope alive. This is your burden to bear. And you will do it Rey, because of who you are…’

“It’s not fair Luna.” My eyes were burning because I knew it was the truth she showed in the mirror of her brown eyes.

‘Ai get in.’ ( I know. ) She bent down on her knees before me, placing her hands on both my heated cheeks to wipe away the tears rolling down them.  

“Why should I always be the beacon of hope for them all? Even when I have lost my way?” My voice broke into a million shards that no one could place back together. And I hated myself for it. After #Finn, I’d promised myself that I would never break again. That I would become as strong as this planet, who came back fighting each time people tried to break it.

‘Yu na nou bak daun en yu don bilaik hofli wan op!’ ( You cannot back down and have your hope die! ) #Luna’s forehead came to rest on mine.

We both sat there in silence, only the wavering sounds of my breathing breaking those moments from time to time. We stayed that way with her supporting me, until I knew that it was time.

“I will do whatever it takes to keep their hope alive… I will be what they need me to be. No matter the cost.”

[oktorpg]

We Can Survive – Book 3 – Chapter 1 - Together - SL 06

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 𝟨

"Wҽ ƈαɳ ʂυɾʋιʋҽ."

      ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

             ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜᴘ

                    ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ʙᴇᴄᴄᴀ'ꜱ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʟᴀʙ

•— John —•

"Jon!" #Luna burst into the bathroom while I was relieving myself, making me almost piss all over my newly acquired boots. The acid rain had eaten holes in my old ones; luckily it hadn't burned through to my feet. I found these on the housing level of Becca's underground facility. "Yo gaf in chich Reivon op." (You need to talk to Raven.)

"Fuck Luna!!!" I hastily zipped up. "Nou na gona drein wei na chilnes?" (Can't a guy take a piss in peace?)

‘Em's gon koken nodataim, Jon! Em nou na wan daun.’ (She's gone crazy again, John! She won't stop.)

"Em nou haken nou longa, Luna. Em's ku." (She's not sick anymore, Luna. She's fine." I moved to the sink and washed my hands. The Zen master growled in frustration, not so Zen at the moment then. I knew that she was mad that we had done something so dangerous and left her behind.

"Please... just get her to eat and drink something?" She asked. I wasn't sure if she was more convincing in Trig or English.

"Did you bring what I asked you for?" I raised a brow at her and she continued. Informing me the last trip to the mansion for supplies had left everything I asked for in the break room.

So I got to work.  #Luna was impatiently pacing and then leaving to check on Raven and coming back to pace some more. But if my plan was going to work it needed to be perfect. The smell was already drawing in anyone who passed by to see if the soup was ready yet. No one but Luna dared to rush me.

Raven had gotten right to work after we returned, the elevator doors opened on a beaming #Monty; who immediately stole her and started to reel off all the information he had gathered from the satellite in the time it took us to descend the Tower of Death and hike back to the lab after she had repaired it.

When the soup was ready, I dished it into a bowl and took one of the slightly misshapen bread rolls, baking wasn't my best skill... it tasted fine. But they never looked like the pictures in #Becca's books when I was finished. I tried not to let in the sadness this would likely be the last thing I would ever cook. I didn't know where were we going to end up... back in space? In the Second Dawn bunker? Dead and cursed to have my soul wander this island for eternity?

No matter where it was... the likely hood that I would ever lay my hands on fresh food again was negligible. "It was nice while it lasted." I murmured to myself as I grabbed the food and a bottle of water. #Luna rested a hand on   my shoulder, ‘Don’t worry, John. You’ll find a new joy.’ She was some kind of mind reader, then she moved to follow me.

"Seriously? You think ganging up on her is going to help?" I raised my brows at her. "Make sure none of the others take more than their share." I jerked my head at the large pot of steaming soup. I knew that they likely wouldn't... but I need her to stay here.

When I found Raven she was bent over a workstation and not in the pod... thank fuck for that. My food was good but I wasn't sure it was good enough to lure her out of there. But setting it on the desk under her nose... that should certainly work. She would keep working... but she'd reach for a few spoonsful at least, or dunk in a few chunks of bread as she planned... whatever the hell she was planning. I had a feeling she wasn't going to clue me in, but I know that I had lost that right. Had I ever really, had it?

"Hey, Rey-ven." I made the subtle switch from her nickname to her name, another right I had lost. "I know you have a lot to get done so I figured I would bring this to you. I set it as close to her as I could with the tablet and tools, she had arranged all around her. Her fingers flew over the screens. The sight did set my nerves on edge, it was like the anxiety and panic of watching her like this, with the spectre of a stroke or a seizure hanging over her head, had left a wound that was reopening.

'She's not dying, she's not dying.' I told myself again and again.

'What about me?' Monty asked from the next station, and I crossed my arms glaring at him. 'What?' He continued, shrugging. 'I mean you were coming over here anyway.'

"Did you just climb a thousand-foot tower?" I deadpanned.

'Don't be so dramatic, Murphy.' There was a playful note in his voice.

"Get the hell out of here Green. Food's in the break room." I shook my head. I think #Monty and #Jasper are the only people left here that smile at me now. I had hated it when it started to happen... now its absence was felt like I had lost a limb.

"It's the same soup I made the first day we got here." I was speaking to Raven again; #Monty was already halfway across the lab. "I think that’s the first time I've ever seen that nerd run." I laughed. It was entirely untrue... but funny as hell.

•— Raven —•

“Go away, Murphy.”

I didn’t have time for him or anyone else right now. The constant interruptions were starting to grate on my last nerve. Some part of me now wishing that I had gone and hidden away in the small lab I had claimed for myself, while I was working on the space suit and then fixing my brain melt.

However, something told me that they would somehow manage to find me there too. I knew they were all looking for answers, but they needed to understand that having people always checking for updates or asking me questions wasn’t helping... Thinking that by telling me that the death wave was building and becoming stronger was also not helping!

You know, because I couldn’t read the data from the scans, I had set up myself!

There was a list in my mind, and it was on a loop until I could tick off the tasks.

I needed to read the fractions, but they weren’t falling into place.

I needed to fix the last of the landing gear on the pod, but then again was I going to make it back? So, was it important?

#Clarke and #Bellamy wanted me to put all the seats back into the pod. The ones I had taken the time to remove, back when I thought #Abby and I were heading up to make the night blood.

But that was all more time and Time was the one thing we didn’t have.

“I don’t have time for you or your so-called humour. Monty maybe a nerd, but so am I. And we are the ones trying to formulate a plan here.

I didn’t take my eyes off my screen, the list of things I needed to understand and calculate had been growing to an astronomical level.  I was ticking the numbers off as I thought them through. Even with the scent of the food from the bowl set beside me trying to draw my attention.

‘You Do Not Have Time Rey!’ I stated internally.

Shit!” I had let myself become distracted. This was why I didn’t want to be here in the middle of the main lab where people could see me.

These figures… they weren’t adding up. Looking around the desk of the workstation I grabbed the tablet before pushing myself back away on the stool and getting up.

He was stood right there in my way. “Jeez John, give a girl some space.” It wasn’t like he had any reason to care anymore.

Despite  our differences, we had worked hard together to climb the satellite tower, and somehow managed to live to tell the story. But now, just as I had promised myself, I wasn’t going to care about all that had gone down.

“Go feed the others, Luna, Emori, I bet Jasper needs you.” I for sure as hells didn’t.

My eyes darted to the big screen on the wall, the data constantly scrolling from images of the drones to the information they were picking up. And then it occurred to me.

“I got this.”

I hop jumped my way towards the pod. If I could get the sums to work, then I knew I could make things happen and give us all a fighting chance.

•— John —•

I had been expecting this... or having hot soup dumped onto my head. But Raven wasn't one to waste food. "Everyone is taken care of, there's plenty for everyone. #Luna is seeing to it now. You want to get up to the space ship, right?"

I  raised my brow at her. "How long will it take you to get the pod ready? A few hours? A day? and then you're in Zero-G?" I sat on the stool she had just vacated. "Now... I'm no expert... and I'm I certainly have limited experience with  zero-g... exactly once to be exact." I leaned my back against the workstation propping up on my elbow, facing her. I opened the bottle of water I had brought her and drank. "But since you're a seasoned pro... why don't you explain to me what  it feels like to go from gravity to no gravity with a full stomach?" I laughed. "Because when I was in lock-up with #Monty, he told me some pretty hilarious stories that he'd heard when he was recruited by engineering."

I twisted to the  side and pushed the spoon in her bowl around. "Something about a twenty-four-year-old #Sincliar and an EVA suit that had to be recycled because they couldn't get the vomit smell out?" I laughed. Tearing a chunk of bread and dipped it into her bowl before I popped it into my mouth. Still watching her, still smiling.

"How long has it been, Raven? Since you were in zero-g... I mean. If it was me... and like I said I'm no expert, but I would think that now would be a good time  to eat. Meaning the G-Force of the launch wouldn't make me pass out because I hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours but also long enough to let that food digest, so I don't end up floating around in a spacesuit full of floating vomit bubbles." I stood up.

"But hey... you're the expert here." I held up my hands as I made it like I was going to walk away.

"Ai jos liak randzi." (I'm just the cook.)

•— Raven —•

My feet stopped beside the pod, opening the external source panel before I realised that I left the screwdrivers by the workstation as well as my tablet. “This is a good start.” I faintly said to myself. Even If I could blame Murphy for it, and let’s be honest I rushed away from where I had been partly because of him.

My mind was still in a spin with more information being fed to me as my eyes kept darting back to the monitors on the walls. Some part of me wanted to turn them off and other parts didn’t want to miss anything.

“Hmm?” He was talking what about? Zero-Gs? What was it about this boy. Why couldn’t he shut up? “If you stop talking to me, I could be up there before the end of the night.” That was a tight deadline to set myself, with half the brain capacity I wasn’t even certain it could happen.

“What?”

Now I turned, walking back the way I came. Frowning when I saw him in my seat, but then not only was he drinking my water, but eating my food too? I stopped a few feet away as ideas and conversations floated in my head.

“Monty has a big mouth and should know better than to talk about Sincliar in that way.” But my lips curled up into a smile. “He knew better, but he also loved his food too. He said it was because it was the highlight of his break. He used to close his eyes and imagine it was food from the twenty first century.” He had made me do it with him when he knew things were hard for me at home.

My nose crinkled up and the memory of that smell. A small heave came from my chest, and I covered my mouth. “I wasn’t going to wear that thing, and I was so glad I was smaller than him.” Not that I had a choice, if you wanted to walk, you put on whatever safety gear you had.

Out of the side of my eye I saw him stood there at the far side of the lab. His hands crossed over his chest, his curly salt and pepper hair a little over grown. And he was smiling at me.  Before I knew it I was smiling back at him. Knowing that he was always watching over me. Until the moment broke by John’s words again, and the reality dawned on me.

“Fuck.” I took a step back. Was my brain fried again? I asked, however when I glanced back #Sincliar was gone.

Shaking my head, I continued to my workstation. “I know what you are doing Murphy.” But watching him eating the soup made sounds roar from my stomach. How long had it been since I had eaten? I couldn’t remember, which couldn’t be a good sign.

Giving in I lifted the bread, it wasn’t that soft warm one he used to make when we were at the mansion. Or maybe it was, I just hadn’t noticed. Breaking a chunk off I dipped it into the soup.

“For a cook, you have a lot to say.” And a lot of ways to manipulate someone I thought as I chewed on the soup covered bread. Fuck! It was good. I was going to miss this. The food, and the calm. Even in this madness, there was still an element of togetherness in me.

•— John —•

I couldn't help but laugh at her comment about not wearing the suit. Who could blame her, really? When I looked back at her over my shoulder, I saw her smiling at empty space, and my first instinct was to go to her... to get ready to catch her when she fell, to make sure she kept breathing through the seizure I was still convinced was coming.

 Three steps, I had taken three long strides towards her before I remembered she didn't need me anymore. She had never wanted my help... she certainly never admitted she needed my help, but I knew she had. And I knew now; that she never would again. I wiped the momentary look of panic off of my face as fast as I could.

"I'm just trying to do the only thing that I'm good at Raven... which is apparently limited to feeding people." I sighed. But she was eating... and that was something. "Just take it slow... you haven't eaten in over a day. If you want more... just say... I made a lot, all the fish that was left... I cooked it." I didn't want to tell her why. That, when #Luna went to pull in her nets the beach was littered with dead fish from the approaching radiation.

"If you need help taking the seats back out of the pod, I can do it... I  helped you with it the first time... I could do it so you have more time to do whatever you need to do." I dropped my gaze. How could I ask her for anything? After everything that happened?

•— Raven —•

My mouth was full now as I chewed on the soup-soaked bread, looking back at the pod, Taking the time to let my eyes linger on the spot where I had seen my mentor smiling at me. Telling myself my mind was playing tricks. That no sleep and not eating any food would do this to a person. And yet I couldn’t stop. How had I gone a day without food? It was easy when I was lost in my work.

Then turning my attention towards the kitchen. I could hear the conversations coming from the small breakroom we had all made into our sanctuary, within the cold walls of this underground lab. It wasn’t like sitting on the dinner table in the large kitchen, with the tall glass wall with a view on the pool and the green outside the back of the mansion. But it was still a place we all found some solus in.

 “Hmm…” He was feeding everyone, and that wasn’t a small task. However, I wasn’t going to stroke his ego. “This is fine Murphy; I don’t need to eat more than my share… But, you owe me a chunk of your bread.” Like he was going to get away with eating the best part of my meal.

I lowered myself into the stool again and started to tap the keyboard with one hand as I fed myself with the spoon with the other. “I don’t need to take anything out.” Pointing my spoon towards the break out room. “If I listen to them, I have to add it all back in again. But the extra weight…” I stopped myself looking up at him and catching his baby blue eyes looking back. “Why am I explaining all this to you anyway. I’m the genius, right. I can work it out myself.”

•— John —•

She was eating, I kept the thought rolling around my mind. Trying to squash the thoughts of She’s eating something I made, because that really didn't make a difference. She would eat anything she was offered and thank you for it. But I could see she was enjoying it and I couldn't help it if that made me feel some small sense of accomplishment.

She hadn't stopped working long enough to even realise she was hungry until she started to eat, she really was at the bottom of her own priorities lists. That fact terrified me. Her eyes moved from the empty spot where she had been staring earlier to the breakroom where I could hear the others now. Not words or anything... just the tell-tale sounds of a singular moment of peace in the middle of the chaos. The low rumble of multiple conversations... #Jasper saying something that made them all laugh. A moment of silence I knew that #Luna called for; to give gratitude to the sea that brought us this food.

"It's not more than your share. It's not like we can take it with us. We will be gone soon, whether that ship is our salvation or not." I followed her gaze to the gathering of all the people she loved. "You know you could join them... even if it's just for a second. Finish your food, walk back there... just to leave the bowl back... see them happy. Before it's all business again." My eyes never left her, watching her like the world could catch fire at any moment.

Because it could.

"Sure, you're the genius." I smirked now and helped myself to another sip of her water. Leaning on the workstation a little way from her. "But wasn't it talking it over with me that helped you come up with the water landing. When you didn't have enough fuel to land the pod, right?"

I thought about what she said and tilted my head. "Put it all back in? Why? This thing up there it's in orbit, right? That means there's either someone up there... or the ship is operational right?" I remembered overhearing #Jasper and #Monty talking about deep space mining ships. that it could have flown itself back here on autopilot. "So, either we get up there and whoever is running the thing kills us... or we get up there, no ifs... and then you come and get everyone? I mean that's the plan, isn't it? Use the ship to save everyone here and in Polis, right?"

•— Raven —•

There was a change in him, I could swear that he was smiling when I looked back at him in my side-line. I wanted to ask him what it was towards, or what he was thinking for that look. However, it would open up a conversation like the ones we had when we were ‘friends’. And I wasn’t ready for that. ( No matter what promises I’d made #Luna. ) Some things would just have to wait a little longer.

Chewing on my mouthful, I let my eyes drop from where the others where and then shook my head. “No, this is more than enough for me right now. If I need more, there is always later.” If the others hadn’t finished the food off. At the end of the day, we were about to go back into the beasts mouth again. So, the fighters were the ones who needed the extra energy. Not the dead weight.

“I don’t have time for that. I will take my bowl back, but only when I am done here.” Lifting my chin towards the pod. I took a spoonful of the soup now, tapping the fingers from my free hand over the keyboard, rolling my eyes as he spoke.  

“What, do you want a gold star or something.” Remembering that time when I had to solve that problem. It had come when the darkness in my mind was overtaking me. Which meant I was lashing out, and John had taken the brunt of it, and kept coming back for more.

I set the spoon down into the half empty bowl and raised my eyebrows at him. “Who are you and where is Murphy?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “If I knew you actually listened to me, I would have had told you more.” Pointing to the room over his shoulder.

“Now do you want to go and explain that plan to them all in there? Each time they come out of a huddle; they have a new idea. Someone else comes up with a reason why they need to be in that pod for first contact. If they keep this up, Clarke is going to want to learn to fly the pod up there for herself.”

Shaking my head, I rubbed my hand unconsciously over my leg. “It’s essential they understand that I need to take that pod up as it is. We can’t waste any more time on this.”

•— John —•

My eyes dropped when she mentioned she didn't have time to see the others, her friends and family... the people she loved. Even if she pulled all of this off, there was still so many things that could wrong, it could be the last time she saw any of them.

"Okay." I nodded. If she was choosing to spend her time working to save them all then I wasn't going to try and stop her. Especially now that I didn't need to worry about her fainting from hunger.

Her easy cruelty hurt... not  because of what she had said, because of how effortless her contempt of me was and it was compounded by the fact that I had made her feel like that towards me. It was my fault.

"There's no time to teach anyone that kind of thing." I didn't  say that we needed to stop letting #Clarke run things... this wasn't the time to shake up the leadership ladder.

"You think that they'll listen to me?" I laughed; I knew that she was being facetious. But I needed the laugh. "But they will  listen, the know what’s at steak. Just keep working on getting it up there and they'll do the right thing when the time comes. But you can't go alone either, we have no idea what could be waiting up there."

•— Raven —•

The screen was flashing before me, the code was scrolling as I read over the the text I had entered. Double checking, I hadn’t missed a beat. I watched the green curser flashing ready for me to hit enter.

I pushed the bowl away to the side. “I swear Murphy, if the next words out of your mouth are to tell me you should be in that pod when it leaves the atmosphere. I will drown you myself and finish off the job the monster in the sea started.”

I heart felt like someone had stomped on it, and I couldn’t do anything about the fact. Because I was the one to blame for it. I was the one being cold hearted towards him. Pushing him away, however here he stood.

“Hells!” I cursed hitting the back space, I’d missed a line of code. Re typing it back in I hit enter. The screen flashed as the text changed.

𝚄𝚙𝚕𝚘𝚊𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜….

I let my head drop a little before pushing back and standing up. I didn’t have time for even a moment to stop. I needed to get the pod in the sky before the other ship dropped and maybe landed in a danger zone.

“The black rain is hitting us faster and harder. We don’t need any more delays here.” I told him as I made my way back to the pod. “When was the last time more than one of us went to meet new people, and the visit didn’t end up in someone trying to kill us? The less of us who go up there, the better if you ask me.”

Pulling and dragging my arse up the cold metal steps, heaving myself inside the open latch.

Once in there, I was sat in the seat tapping the earpieces I had in place now too. Waiting to see what would play in this moment.

( Music - Blessing Offor - Brighter Days - Radio Version )  

I closed my eyes, letting the words be felt in the depths I had hidden my hope in. I still had it, however there was so little left that I had to protect it and myself.

#Luan’s words rang true even more now. I had to pull myself out of this hole. This wasn’t the first-time betrayal had tested me.

Shaking my mind free, I started feeding the other side of the code into the pod and downloaded the code with the updates.

•— John —•

I wanted to tell her that was exactly what I was asking, I wanted to tell her all of the reasons why I wanted to go with her. That I knew I had no right asking for anything but here I was anyway... asking her.

I watched her furiously typing in code... and still. I said nothing. "You still can't go alone, Raven. At least take..." I stopped talking to think about who I would want with her if I couldn't be. "#Bellamy... And #Luna. Just... don't let Bellamy do the talking."

It hurt watching her struggle up the steps and ladder, but I knew that it was nothing like what she was feeling. I picked up her bowl and took it back to the

break room. Everyone started patting me on the shoulder and thanking me  for the food. I just gave them all a brief no problem and started washing the dishes.

•— Raven —•

『   ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʟᴜɴᴀ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

“Branwoda,  Tu kom emo.” ( Foolish, the two of them. ) I stood in the shadows watching only to ensure that they did not kill one another. ( More so that Rey didn’t do something she would regret. ) Only stepping out of the shadows when the two had made their way apart.

One working in her place of hiding. In plain sight. Somewhere, where nothing could break her attention and make her address what was eating at her. And the other foolish one who had found himself a new way to become valuable. But the question still had to be, was it for the right reasons?

Who could tell with these two. All I knew at this time, is that they both couldn’t see what was right there. The friendship they had built couldn’t be lost without a fight.

“Jon, ste raun laudnes” ( John, is in pain ) I said with body resting on the metal steps, my eyes on the opening to see how long it took her to come see who or what I meant.

『   ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʀᴇʏ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

“What?” I took my ear piece out hearing a voice in the background. “Sorry, what did you say?” I called out before pulling myself off the command seat and towards the pods open door.

‘Jon, ste raun laudnes.’ ( John, is in pain ) #Luna said, she moved to sit on the steps looking towards the breakroom.

“Did he cut himself or something? He was here ten or twenty minutes ago.” My brows pulled together. “Have Abby and Jax helped him?

‘Nou Disha laudnes.  Emo nanou fix em’ ( Not this pain. They cannot fix it. ) I frowned at her. And she looked proud of herself.

“I wish sometimes, that you would stop with the riddles.” Rubbing the side of my head where a dull throbbing started to make itself known.

•— John —•

I was washing the dishes... I didn't know why. We weren't going to have another meal here. 'Where's Raven?' It was Bellamy, only he and Harper lingered here now. Harper insisted on helping with the dishes... which annoyed me because I  clearly wanted to be left alone.

"Where do you think?" I shook my head. All he had to do was look out into the main lab and he would see Luna next to the pod. 'Okay sorry... I just figured you'd know.' Bellamy held his hands up in  surrender.

"I'm not her keeper." I said in an even tone instead of snapping. Bellamy scoffed audibly, as if he did in fact think that I was her keeper. Harper glared. I knew she was still pissed about the docks. Even if I did help them  save #Octavia and the grounders.

'May I speak with John for a moment you two.' #Abby was standing in the doorway. Bellamy and Harper both left promptly and silently. 'Come and sit with me for a moment, John.' She took a seat and patted the  table. I took the seat across from her.

"I haven't done anything." I insisted with a screwed-up brow.

'Actually... from what I hear you've done quite a lot.' She folded her hand in front of her and leaned on the table. 'Trying to run away with #Emori?' now her brow knit together. "Fucking #Harper." I thumbed my nose and slumped back into the chair.

'En don ai.' #Emori said (It was me). Filling the doorway now. "Ai get daun gon yu, Jon.' (I'm worried about you, John.)

"Ai Ku... Chit yu chichplei hasta?" (I'm fine... what are you talking about?) I scowled at her.

'John... you've been... distant. And reckless.' #Abby interjected. My brow raised in question. 'Slicing your arm open to distract the sea monster?'

"I had no choice. #Luna and #Octavia were in trouble and I'm not a strong swimmer. I was never going to make it to them in time. It's not like I intended to cut that deep I didn't think I was going to need a transfusion..." I rambled.

'John... whatever is going on...' The Doc stopped and looked at #Emori. Asking her to give us a moment. 'Whatever happened between you and Raven is making you miserable... and it's making her miserable too.'

I rolled my eyes so  hard it almost hurt. "There has never been anything going on between me and Raven. Other than the fact that she hates me. Which she's entitled to... I did cripple her after all." I could feel the wall rising and threatening to shut Abby out  now too.

'She doesn't hate you... I don't know if she ever truly did.' Abby sighed, I almost blurted out that she tried to kill me twice... that she'd even pulled the trigger once. But I managed not to I had deserved it and worse. 'But what I do know... is that you can't bear to watch her suffer. And she is suffering John. Whatever friendship you two built. The loss of it is killing her, and you are the only one that can fix it.'

I stood up so fast I knocked the chair over, I  left the room so fast that I barely saw #Abby flinch at the sudden movement. #Emori was waiting outside, and she grabbed my arm as I stormed passed. 'Jon!' She yelled as I yanked my arm free.

 'Planhacka!' (Bastard.)

•— Raven —•

‘Duck and roll.’ I heard #Bellamy saying as he passed the others to come sit beside #Luna on the steps. As I reached out of the door for a tool, he took a hold of it, and held it up for me.

“What’s going on?” I asked him with a raised eyebrow.

He turned his gaze over his shoulder before looking at me again. ‘Abby looked to be on a war path. Or John is. Who knows with those two.’ #Bellamy was a lot of things, but a fountain of knowledge wasn’t one of them at times like this.

“So much information Bells. I have no idea what I will do with it all. It may take me a day or even a week to process it all.”

‘Smartarse.’ He laughed pointing to the pod. ‘How is it going in there? Can I come on in yet?’

I shook my head. “You know I don’t like people in my space when I’m working.” His eyes were on #Luna right away.

‘I’m not people.’ The #ZenMaster said without missing a beat. ‘And the less you step in her face, the faster she works.’ She added.

I got back to work, however kept myself on the outside of the pod, glancing back to the door from time to time. ‘I’m just saying that I could help.’ He told her, and I laughed.

“Sure, and then I will need to redo it all once you are gone. Why not save myself the time.”

All our conversations cut short as John came charging out of the break room, with #Emori on his tail.

'Planhacka!' (Bastard.) she shouted.

‘Like I said. Duck and roll.’ #Bellamy muttered; I threw the rag in my hand at his head. He caught it. ‘Looks like there’s trouble in Paradise.’ He rolled his eyes, making me wish I had something else to throw at his head. 

“What’s going on?” I asked #Luna. She hadn’t taken her eyes off them too.

‘Abby knows…’ she said after seeing the doctor come to stand in the doorway of the break room. It clicked to me in that moment. If #Abby knew, then the rest of them knew too.

•— John —•

I almost started towards the rocket... but I could see Bellamy was there now too. Fuck! I turned without thinking and headed to the nearest place that would take me away from the open-plan lab, and the glass-walled offices.

The direction I  chose was the wrong one, the other corridor had the bathroom and more private offices, but this one was full of file rooms, rooms full of what I assumed were servers and storage rooms. But still... I could hide in them until I could  straighten out my frazzled thought. Without stopping to think I was in the storage room that I had so often found Raven in when she would vanish and I would find myself being chewed alive from the inside out until I found her again.

When I  told myself it was all just because we needed her alive to survive... before I realised... I needed her alive or I wouldn't have a reason to survive.

I shut the door. The boxes I had helped Raven move the last time we were in here were still lined up neatly across the centre of the room and the parts for whatever project she had been working on were laid out in obvious groups... So, more than one project then... or several steps of a larger one? I tried to remember what it was... what she'd been working on. What all of this was for. But all that came were flashes of her pressing her fingers or her knuckles against her temple when she thought I wasn't watching.

But I was always watching.

Flashes of her pained expression, the light sheen of sweat on her brow when her headaches flared. The rushes of panic.... and terror that filled me when she screwed her eyes shut for a few seconds too long.

With a pained roar, I swung my leg at one of  the boxes but stopped short, my eyes scanned the neat rows and clusters on her work. The door opened behind me and I dropped my foot to the floor.

#Emori stepped in and swung the door shut behind her. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around me. 'Hodnes bilaik laudnes, ai Breida.' (Love is pain, my friend.) She whispered. After a long time, I finally hugged her back the ache in my chest threatened to become sobs, but I would never let the weakness show... not even with #Emori, who I trusted with my life.

"Ai nou na tel em op... nowe." (I can't tell her, ever.) I whispered back.

'Ai get in.' (I know.) Is all she whispered back and tightened her hold on me.

•— Raven —•

I stood still shocked at everything #Bellamy knew. No rock was left unturned, they knew everything. Now when my eyes drifted over the lab I could see the changes.

#Jasper and #Monty had a closeness always, however now when I observe them they were keeping some distance  between each other.

The sideways glances and the verbal jabs #Jas gave himself, concerned me and by the looks of it, it did #Jax too, the man had become a shadow. Making sure he worked around where #Jasper would be hiding in plain sight.

Had I been blind all this time?

How hadn’t I seen the change in my dysfunctional family?

‘It’s not your fault.’ #Luna whispered into my ear. Maybe go find him?’ She said before sitting back down on the steps.

I saw where he went, I saw the need to get away in him when he came out of the break room, and I saw #Emori follow soon after.

“He has his only friend with him. I’m sure they are fine.”

He had once said to me that #Emori, had been his only friend, and it stung at the time. But it was true. She never reached this point of anger, and if she did. They would deal with it and move on.

Dealing with it… Not an easy task! On the best of days. The reminder of his nightmares and then that scene on the beach when he thought he was alone. The acid rain covered rocks while he shouted out to the water.

I shook my head. “I’m not the person he needs right now. I have work to do. Everyone’s life depends on it.”

I told her before climbing into the pod. I needed them all to stop looking at me like I had grown two heads.

•— John —•

I couldn’t tell how much time had passed, it felt like hours as i slipped my guts #Emori about everything. I knew that was probably closer to half an hour. I told her about how I’d shot Raven… how she’d tried to shoot me. about Finn  massacring the village and Raven trying to hand me over to Trikru in his place.

She already knew about my first stay on the island, and in her time here with us had filled in some of the blanks for her about what had after we parted ways.

But I filled in gaps, I told her about Raven taking the chip, About how hard she fought back. About ALIE slitting her wrists and the crazy whirlwind of me getting her out of Arkadia…

I told her all of it… how I couldn’t because I was so afraid of her heart stopping. How impossible the choice was to run with her, to protect her and leave Raven behind. I told how shattered i was when Raven found us on the docks and I could tell with one look into her eyes that she done with me. How it broke me.

Then we sat in silence.

When we finally made our way back to the main lab, only #Luna was left at the base of the ladder, sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed. Those light brown eyes peeled open slowly and she  rose to her feet, and walked away. She squeezed my shoulder as she passed me. I climbed the ladder and peered into the pod. “Raven? Can I come in… I need to talk to you?”

•— Raven —•

Work had consumed me, it had been the only way that I could continue on. I at some point started listening to music again threw my ear pieces, trying to stop from thinking around what would be taking place in the lab outside.

No one had dared to come after me, and I knew that I would have the #ZenMaster #Luna to thank for it.

At one point I heard #Octavia and #Griffin try to say something, however before I could remove my ear piece no one was there.

Now, with the Vital work completed, I lay on the clod floor of the pod. My eyes close trying to stop the headaches from consuming the little energy I still had.

A murmuring sound came from outside, making me look towards the door. Wincing as I move too fast, so I lay back down. Removed the music from my ears.

“Is someone out there?” I called.

•— John —•

"Raven?" I called again fingers drumming on the metal. The sound clanged through the open space even though I had barely rapped my knuckles against it. I didn't want to draw them all back here, I needed to talk to her.

I leaned in through the hatch and saw her lying there on the floor. My heart began to race and my chest tightened as I clamped my hands on side of the circular hole so I could brace and swing my legs up through it. I saw her pulling the glowing blue bud from  her ear But it was too late, I was already dropping to the floor of the pod.

I felt the impact of my landing in my ankles... it jarred up into my legs but I had left so much worse. "Fuck Raven!!" I took a breath and sank to the floor, taking the weight off my feet and ankles. "What the hell were you doing on the floor?" I dragged both hands through my hair and silently begged my heart to settle. "You scared the shit out of me." The words were out before I could stop them.

I knew she would assume I was working an angle of some kind. She wouldn't... couldn't hear the real gut-wrenching fear that had gripped me even if it was only for a few seconds.

•— Raven —•

I gazed over my shoulder, the jolt of his jump vibrating in my bones, and then I saw, felt and thought I heard his ankle.

“Shit! John!”

I shifted from one elbow to the other, his reaction unexpectedly turned my stomach, turning myself to face him  Not bothering to lift myself off the floor. ( why in Hells did I think it was a good idea for me to go flat on the floor? Trying to stand in an Emergency was not happening. )

“What?…” a small dent formed between my eyebrows. What was the matter with him? What was this look in his eyes,

“What do you mean? I’m taking a breather. Why…” I stopped from letting that anger form in my gut that was a new resident when it came to John Murphy.

Taking a few deep, slow lung full of air. Because was that concern on his face? Or was he trying to play me form something new this time?

“I needed a moment, that’s all. My head was hurting—“ I cut myself off. “I just needed a moment. I am okay.” My voice softer to the end.

“I’m okay.” Why the Hells was I now reassuring him? His eyes. Those light blue pools that once made me laugh, tease and joke. I felt nothing in now as I gazed into them. Clearly my head. I broke my gaze away.

“Did you.. want something?”

•— John —•

"Should you still be getting headaches?" I asked brow creased as I made a mental note to talk to Abby about it... Though she was probably pissed at my outburst... Doc Lite maybe.

She was examining me now and I made my insides squirm... she had started to look at me with curiosity like she was looking for things she liked to see. But now she was just... confused. Hurt, maybe? And how could I blame her?

I took a deep breath and fixed pale blue eyes on hers, at least when she let me meet them. "I just want you to hear me out okay... Do you know why Flokru  bury their dead at sea?" I asked, pausing but not long enough for her to answer if she did know. "It's because they believe that their Keryon... soul or spirit... is bound to where they place they are lain to rest." My gaze became darker, more intense. "I don't want to... I can’t be bound here, Raven. I just... If there is any such thing as eternity; I can't spend mine on this island. I was locked up here... I mean, I know all about being locked I was in the Sky box for two years before we were sent here. But you have no idea what it was like in that bunker. That way I see.... we all either die here or there is something or someone that can save us on the ship up there. I would rather die up there trying to find it than getting trapped here. Please..." My voice started to  strain.

Everything I said was true, but I didn't... couldn't, tell her I wanted to be wherever she was. "Please, let me try to help you. Don't leave me here, Stargazer. Please." My chest constricted. "You don't owe me anything; I know that. Please don't make me beg."

Wasn't I begging already? I got the last words out just before my throat closed over entirely and instantly felt waves of regret like I had said too much.

•— Raven —•

I rubbed my temple without thinking and then stopped abruptly at that question.

“It’s a headache Murphy. It happens… I’m not.. going to melt.” I touched my head and did the universal sign for blowing up. However, stopped half way at the expression I found on his features when he spoke.

Was he trying to show me cared again? No. I was seeing into every action too much.

I shouldn’t have laid down, now there was no way for me to get up without him seeing the broken parts of  me. And I didn’t want that.

Even though he had seen so much of it, right now. It made me feel vulnerable. So, I shifter myself back to face him, resting my back on the wall of the pod, twisting a ripped part of my pants between my fingers.

My eyebrows drew together, I parted my lips to tell him I was listening. But there was no time. He railroad his words and himself into my space.

At first I was speechless, what had I just been a witness to? There was a raw openness to him putting his cards on the table. And then that small voice in the back of my head, it whispered; “He has done this too you before.”

He had showed me enough to make me believe in him, in what he wanted for himself and all of us, and then…. I stopped my thought. This time it had been #Luna’s voice telling me I had to let go, to hold on to all of this, would be to make myself untrue to myself.

“I’m sorry…” I finally said after a way too long silence. “You want… you…”

What in the name of hells, could I say? He was telling me something I kind of knew. Of all the things John Murphy could do, I hadn’t expected it to be this.

Spirits? Souls? Death? Life? John Murphy? All in the same breath of air?

I shook my head, trying to consider if this was another ploy to get one over on me. ‘Raven Reyes, the easy Mark!’ ( I should find a plain shirt and write that on it. ) I shook my head again, pushing that side thought away.

My heart stopped  seeing the pain and the reaction of his words hit that soft part of my heart. The one I needed to cage, to lock away, so that I could be more like the others. But here I sat…

“Murphy…” I resigned myself to the fact, before my emotions were killing me one by one internally. “I can’t take you.” The words stuck in my throat. It wasn’t easy to say them.

“We don’t know what we will meet up there. If there are people, or not. We need people who can help to convince them to help us. Who can help me with helping them. They could be in trouble…”

My mind working to see if I could help him. But right now, I couldn’t help anyone. “I know what happened here.”

I saw this pain in the beach, I heard his screaming when his nightmares came for him.

“I know it’s killing you to be here. All I am saying it. Have a little faith in me. You used to…. Have faith in me…. Tell me I could do it…. Whatever ɪᴛ was…. I’m asking for 1%… just 1% of that one last time.”

•— John —•

I nodded when she told me that it was just a regular headache... I was probably nodding too much. "I know... I know... I --" I was trying to convince myself that I knew, but my tight chest wasn't convinced. "Just... still getting used to it  you know? You not --" I stopped myself saying; ‘Not Needing Me’.

"You being... cured." Was that even the right word for having computer code deleted from your brain?

Hearing her call me Murphy was all the answer that I needed  from her. I knew what I was about to hear, and I resigned myself to accepting it... I wasn't going to make this harder for her. I heard her out, fighting the burning in my bloodshot eyes and when she was done, I cleared my throat and swiped  at my nose with my sleeve.

I stood up slowly, testing my ankles, the throbbing had faded fast. I knew that she would never ask me or let me help her up. I knew that she couldn't get up. So, I moved across the tiny space to kneel beside her.

"You should take #Bellamy... Don't let Clarke go... And bring Jax. Having Abby on the ground is a bargaining chip and bringing a doctor is a show of peace. Anyone else is up to you."

I slipped my hand into my pocket and squeezed the bullet  still in there, taking a deep breath. I placed it into her hand and closed her fingers over it, hoping she wouldn't look until I was gone. "You can do anything, Raven." I held her gaze and her hand still closed over the bullet. The bullet in  her hand signified survival... not that she could understand that completely irrational message. "You can 𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕧𝕖 anything. I will never doubt that, I never have. Just..." My gaze faltered for a second and moved back to hers. A few strands of hair that had freed themselves from her ponytail clung to her forehead. I let go of her hand so I could sweep it away. "Come back for them... #Luna... and #Emori..." I nodded. "Please. Make sure they make it."

I swallowed hard and leaned in close, my rough cheek almost brushing hers. "I'll be waiting by the pool, watching for shooting stars... if you come back for me." I whispered in her ear. "I swear I'll never let you down again. Don’t Die, Stargazer.

My heart stopped while I was that close to her. I pulled back and tried to smile... but it was a weak attempt. I stood again the quickly climbed out of the pod. It felt deeply wrong to leave her there, on the floor but  knew she didn't want any help I could offer. She's just told me there was no help I could offer... I was just another faceless Skaikru boy that needed saving, another weight on her burdened soul. The others had gathered far from the pod, but  watching it, #Emori stood further away watching them disapprovingly.

I approached them and spoke only to #Luna. "Reivon, nou na gyon op. Beja, sis em ou." (Raven can't get up. Please help her.) I didn't stop walking. I heard #Bellamy call after me. 'What the hell did he say?' But #Luna was already walking to the pod and Emori was following me. There were no other Trig speakers in the gathered group.

•— Raven —•

〄 Time Jump

╰ 48 Hours Later

‘Strap in Team! Our Next stop is, back where we came from.’ #Bellamy pulled on his belt and clicked it in place. Sat next to him  were #Jax, and #Nate who did the same.

The computer started it’s count down over the speakers in the lab and within the pod.

10…. 9…. 8…. 7…

‘Next stop back up in space.’ #Nate grinned at me. But I wasn’t in the same mood as them. I had told them that this was a No way back plan. That if things didn’t go our way, we would be stranded up there. I had no visibility of the ship, no idea if I could open the doors, Hells! I had no idea if there was anyone up there alive. What I did know… If we didn’t go up there, we were running out of time and plans down here.  

As the countdown began to warn us of our time on earth coming to an end, my mind and eyes drifted towards the hatch door that was locked and sealed in place and everyone we cared about on the other side, with the knowledge that we were leaving them behind. However, with a promise to return with a new exit plan.

‘Don’t worry Rey, they know that they need to leave the island today. They will be back in Polis and Kane will talk Jaha into opening that door.’ #Bellamy reached over and squeezed my arm.

But that wasn’t where my head had been.

〄 12 Hours Ago

‘Yu souda hon daun em kom Yu!’ ( You must take him with you! ) #Luna looked frustrated after I had reiterated the conversation John had with me.  

“It’s not my choice, and you know I can’t take him with us. We need to use every seat on that pod in the best way. Hells Luna, we aren’t even taking Griffin with us.” She wasn’t happy with this reply.

‘Taim Yu put bilaik hod daun gon em , Yu na fig au a edei.  Taim Yu gaf in em!’ ( If you put your mind to it, you will find a way. If you want it! ) She wasn’t wrong. And I knew it too. But I couldn’t do it. I knew his fears now and I wasn’t willing to take him on a death mission. Not again.

“Well, I guess I don’t want too.” I told her leaving her standing in the office as I made my way to the others.

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀʙ

‘Why can’t I go up with the rest of them?’ #Clark threw her bowl onto the desk where #Monty sat working. ‘Hells, Sorry Green.’ She reached her hand out to apologise.

‘And there is your answer.’ He said under his breath however she still heard him.

‘What are you trying to say?’ She crossed her arms over her chest.

‘He is saying that your temper isn’t known to help to calm things when shit is about to hit the fan.’ #Octavia answered from across the lab.

I heard them disagreeing as I walked across the lab, keeping my head down not wanting to be pulled into this conversation once again.

‘Rey! Rey! I need to speak to you!’ I groaned closing my eyes before turning.

“We have made the decision.” I called out before disappearing out of their sight.

〄 BACK TO THE NOW

6… 5… 4…

The jets were at their full power and the pod started to shake.

‘Rey, this thing isn’t going to blow up in the atmosphere, is it?’ There in his voice I could hear uncertainty and fear.

‘Have some faith in our kickarse ,  Zero-G Mechanic will you Jax. Rey has this down.’ #Nate reached over and slapped him on his thigh.

“Or… it’s a good thing you all said your good byes and we go out in a blaze of fire in the sky for all to witness.” I said dryly. I didn’t know what the exchange was between #Nate and #Jax, but something had been said without words.

‘Stop messing Rey, let’s get this show on the road.’ #Bellamy all but climbed out of his seat with the excitement. If only he knew… Wait! He did Know! I wasn’t messing with him. I had warned them when they said they wanted to come with me. This was a death wish, if it worked, that would be a bonus.

3… 2… 1… LIFT OFF!

All jets were a go, the pod shook into life, the safety brackets started to fall away, and we were moving. I closed my eyes for a moment to reflect and then they shot open. Because when I did close them. I saw the blood shot, lightly bruised Baby Blue eyes looking back at me. The soft whisper in my ear saying.

"I'll be waiting by the pool, watching for shooting stars... if you come back for me… I swear I'll never let you down again. Don’t Die, Stargazer."

“What the Hells!” My eyes darted to the locked hatch again as we left earth behind. “Stay Alive Watcher, have some trust that I’m coming back!” I wasn’t going to leave them here to die!

With this realisation… The Old Raven Reyes was back!

(Music: Something Just Like This – Coldplay )

•— John —•

I stayed in the lab; I wasn’t going to leave before she did. But I didn’t watch her work. I had the others bring her food while she worked relentlessly on the pod. I heard the others talking about how she was overdoing it. I heard them trying to subtly have me go to her; since I was still the only person that had successfully gotten her to rest. But those days were over now.

I had slept a few sporadic hours here and there. All of which had ended with me waking up to #Luna or #Emori trying to stop my screaming. The last time I had tried to sleep in one of the secluded offices #Bellamy had found me and ran in with his gun raised, but when he realised, I was alone; he left without a word and just a small dip of  his chin. After that, I gave up on trying to sleep. I found myself repeatedly reaching into my pocket, searching for the bullet from the gun that had almost ended my life. It had been in my possession only hours before I gave it to Raven.

What a ridiculous thing to do… What must she have thought about the gesture once I left the rocket? Maybe she thought I had finally gone complete sociopath now.

I stood away from the others with #Emori as the chosen few said their goodbyes and climbed in. I couldn’t say goodbye to her, #Luna pushed until it looked like I was about to break and begged her quietly to stop.

I wouldn’t say goodbye to her.

I squeezed my fists tightly inside my pockets, digging my fingernails into my palms to keep myself centred. I homed in on the pain, anything that would keep me from throwing myself at the pod door as it clanged closed.

It wasn’t goodbye.

The blast doors were sealed. Monty was at a control panel, speaking out the commands that the computer system didn’t. The blast doors that would protect us from the inferno of the rockets slid closed. A loud jagged breath left me at the same time as that enormous wall sealed between us.

#Emori’s normal hand wrapped around my wrist, and my hands stayed stuffed into my pockets. The sounds of the doors had covered the pathetic sound I had made, only #Emori had heard it.

 ３．．． ２．．． １．．.ＬＩＦＴ ＯＦＦ！

The computer droned out as  though it was announcing the arrival of the elevator onto a floor.

“Don’t die, Stargazer. Don’t die.” I whispered, my eyes glues to the opaque blast doors. The floors vibrated and I held my breath. The grip on my wrist tightened and I  pulled out one hand to grip #Emori’s. Her eyes were wide and searching the others for signs of fear at the tremor travelling through all of our bodies at the force of the rocket ignition.

“It’s okay, it’s just the take-off.” I told her.

“This is meant to happen.” I had to suck in a breath to form the words.

Monty was reading out stats about their altitude and the angle of the rocket. When #Emori freed her hand from mine I nodded for her to follow me. ‘Where are you going?’ #Jasper called when he saw us heading for the lift.

“Home.” I said. “You coming?”

He seemed to consider it. ‘They haven’t even left the atmosphere yet?’ Was he asking me? I had no fucking clue.

“It’s up to Raven now. There’s  nothing more we can do here. If I have to die on this shithole island I’m at least going to do it sitting by the pool.” I replied and started to walk again.

‘John… we need to gather everything and get back to the bunker.’ #Abby took a few steps toward us.

“I’m not going to the bunker.” I said with no other explanation. #Emori’s expression turned fearful and she stepped away from me.

‘We are all heading back to Polis once the atmospheric radiation cuts off our  communication with the pod. That’s the plan, it’s not optional.’ #Abby was using her Chancellor's voice.

“Everything is optional, Doc. Even breathing.” I smiled, accepting that Raven would be back… or I would die here.

‘Jon.’ #Emori stepped away again and shook her head.

“Raven will find something up there and she’ll be back.” I told her and then I looked to the others. “We won’t make it to Polis. We all know it. Even if we do… Jaha won’t open that bunker. I’m not dying like that.” I turned to #Emori and spoke only to her now. “It’s okay.” I whispered and hugged her. “Go with them. They’ll keep you safe. When Raven gets back, I’ll tell her where to find you.”

‘I’m sorry.’ She whispered. ‘I can’t st—‘

“I know.” I cut her off. “It’s okay. They need you to get them back to the mainland. Stay alive. Thank you for being my first real friend.”

I stepped away, leaving her with them. #Abby was yelling my name, but it stopped when I heard someone call out. ‘Wait for me!’ I turned to see #Jasper jog across the space and #Monty yelling after him to stop.

We didn’t stop. We stepped into the lift, and I looked at him. “She’ll be back.” I smiled.

‘I know.’ He nodded, smiling with certainty. A hand slipped through the gap before the door fully shut and pushed them open again. #Luna stepped inside. All eyes in the main lab were trained on the lift, behind them the progress of the rocket was playing onto the screens all over the room.

“See you soon, Stargazer.” I muttered to the image on the screen and this time; the doors slid shut and the lift rose steadily.

‘Tsa gon hou.’ (Let’s go home.) #Luna glanced from me to #Jasper.

(Music: All We Are – OneRepublic)

•— Raven —•

Getting into space is a pretty demanding journey, and it takes a physical and mental toll on any person trying to achieve it. If you think about it, we were accelerating something like  half a million-pound system from zero miles per hour to its orbital velocity of 17,500 miles per hour in those eight to twelve minutes. So, was one a heck of a ride.

We experienced about three times the force of gravity during most of the ascent, and once we reached the orbit, when the main engines cut off, we went from that three-G acceleration to a zero acceleration virtually instantaneously. And that's when we become weightless on orbit.

I glanced around at the other three as we started to push against our seat belts, seeing their eyes light up and their need to feel the zero-Gs.

“Fine, but if your arses crash down. It’s not on me.” I told them. “And stay out of my sightline. I have work to do.” They all had the luxury to mess about right now, I didn’t. And the frown on my forehead would have been telling if they would have paid attention to it.

‘Woo… Fucking…. Hoo!’I heard all three of them exclaim in some form or another, as I started to manoeuvre us closer to the ship in Earths atmosphere.

“Okay, I got this.” I sat back for a moment to steady my nerves. A simulation was one thing, doing the same in real life… I whipped my sweaty palms on my thighs, stopping at the oblong shaped metal bullet in my pocket. My mind flashed back to when it was given to me.

"You can do anything, Raven….

You can survive anything….

I will never doubt that I never have...

Just...Come back for them... #Luna... and #Emori...

Please. Make sure they make it."

How had I done that to him? How had I called him my friend, and then turned my back on him when he asked me for help? Wasn’t friendship about seeing past someone’s short comings? To forgive and to never leave them alone?

“Hells!” I muttered as my eyes started to sting. I had failed the first rule of friendship.

‘60 seconds to docking.’  

The onboard system calls my attention back from the dream like state I have been catapulted into.

“Back in your seats, this crap is about to get real.” I told them. “Suits zipped up, and helmets on.”

‘Are these suits going to hold up Rey?’ #Nate was the one to ask when they came back down and started to pull them up from their waist.

“When has anything I’ve done not held up for you?” raising my eyebrow, but I didn’t look at him as I started the process to dock. 

〄  〄  〄  〄  〄

We all exchanged a glance, my fingers tingled there was a sense of achievement, however at the same time we were a step closer to failure too.

‘Ready Rey?’ #Bellamy asked in a whisper, and I nodded my head.

Taking two or three deep breaths I pushed the button to unlock the hatch, and then #Nate stepped forward to push the heavy door open. The hushing sound sent a shiver, and I felt #Jax taking a hold of my hand to squeeze it.

‘What does John always say?’ He asked with a smile.

‘Where’s the moonshine Jasper?’ #Bellamy jokes but doesn’t laugh.

I rolled my eyes. Whispering for myself. “Don’t die Stargazer.” I stepped out first to engage the airlock, opening it and making sure our pod wouldn’t be ripped a part the moment the ship’s doors opened.

‘What if there are aliens on it?’ #Nate asks.

I stop, pushed him first. “Just try not to kill the people who are likely to help us.” The others laughed and then all at once, we all shook off the joking and were the A Team once again.

As we walked into the ship, I rushed to the control panel. ‘You do your thing Rey; we are going to have a look around.’ I didn’t look up and just waved them off.

“Remember what I said. Do Not Kill the people who could be out answered to save everyone.” #Bellamy grunted at me.  

(Music: Flares – The Scrpit)

•— John —•

The trail of the rocket had long since disappeared. But my gaze seemed to drift back to the spot in the sky where it had vanished. We hadn't even made it out of the trees by then.

'Do you think they made it?' #Jasper asked, stripping wires  with the cutters in his hands while I wrapped the two, he had spliced together moments before.

"To the ship?" I asked. "I have no idea... I think so. According to Raven's plan, they should have docked..." I looked at the watch I had found in the house when I was still caring for Raven. "About ten minutes ago."

'Our girl is always punctual.' #Jasper laughed and picked up a bottle of wine at his feet to swig from it. 'I thought you weren't watching over her anymore... but you have her itinerary memorised?' He was teasing now.

"Our last chance for salvation could be on that ship... of course I do." I swigged from my own bottle and watched #Luna rolls out strings of lights on the largest, flattest lawn on the grounds of the mansion. Little did he know I was talking about Raven and not something that they might find.

It wasn't like the Christmas movies they sometimes played us on Farm Station. Where you would see the dad plugging different stings of lights together to decorate the house. #Becca's collection of lights had some that were compatible and others that were not. But that was where #Jasper came in. Stripping wires and connecting them so we could light up a landing field for Raven in case it was dark when she got back.

#Jasper didn't push, not when it came to this. He finished the wires he was working on and moved on to the next one. I started to wrap electrical tape around the new splice.

"Do you think there could be people alive up there?" I asked him. He shrugged and sighed heavily.

'It's possible... if they were careful with population control... figured out some kind of hydroponic farming... but deep space travel and farming aren't exactly compatible... you need a reliable source of sunlight... which normally means you need to orbit one. But a lot of these long-range ships had UV sources to keep the crew healthy.' He was rambling... processing his thoughts out  loud. Then he stopped and shook his head. 'No... No, I don't think there could be one left alive up there. Unless...'

'Unless?' #Luna returned to us, urging him to vocalise the thought.

'Monty and I had a thought... but the theory was  barely out of the testing phase before the Cataclysm... there's no way a ship left earth over a hundred years ago with functional cryosleep tech.' He was... disappointed. 'Even if that would be fucking cool!' he took another long draw from  the bottle and offered it to #Luna who refused it with a politely raised hand.

'Cryosleep?' #Luna's brow pinch and Jasper launched into an explanation that I knew gave me plenty of time to zone out.

Please just let her be okay. I thought to myself as we worked our way around the lawn. Let her be alive. Luna laid the lights in neat lines. Even if she hates me forever…. Jasper spliced and joined wires. Just let her live. I wrapped each junction with tape.

Give her a change to find some sort of lasting happiness.

'What now?' Lunas asked when we made an almost perfect square around the  large open space. #Jasper clapped his hand together. 'Now we test it!' He proclaimed with a fist pump.

"Not until nightfall..." I could see his bubble burst when I said it. "We can't deplete the batteries from the generator." At that  prompt, I checked the lights on the solar-powered generator. They were flashing at 75%... Almost full.

•— Raven —•

“So much for staying together.” I murmured as I read the and played my way into the main frame. The access point from the hatch wasn’t in the best condition, but it was enough to tell me what I needed to know.

I pulled up the information on the ship and scrolled as I read it out aloud.

“Welcome to Eligius IV. This is a mining ship and a space station built and owned by the Eligius Corporation before the first nuclear apocalypse.

It was designed to be used for interstellar missions to mine asteroids and was later used to search for habitable planets.

The ship was built to house 500 people in indefinite cryo-stasis. As well as mining equipment, food to last for several weeks, a small water recycler, a transport ship, and an assortment of weapons and military grade hardware for the guards.

Including guns, missiles, and shock collars for inmates. It also has a fully equipped medical bay and a large long-term fuel supply.”

I scrolled some more. “Never enough guns..” 

Stopping at a media file I opened and watched it. “Shit!” I closed the file, it couldn’t be the truth… Opening the file again, it was easy with the weak password that took me all of  three guesses to get in. I started to play the video that came up again.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Uhmm… Guys! Get your arses back here now!” I called after them with my chin lifted but my eyes remaining on the screen.

‘What’s up Rey?’ #Bellamy and #Nate were the first back with #Jax right behind them. They searched the area for a threat before letting their guns drop.

‘You need to stop doing that Rey.’ They where over my shoulder looking down at me and the screen.

‘Did you guys see that sign?’ #Jax asked looking over his shoulder. ‘It said No Inmates past this point? Over a big heavily locked door. What do they mean by Inmates?’ He looked as worried as me.

“Prison labour, the mining missions were full of danger, they sent people they thought wouldn’t be missed…” I told them.

‘This Place is like a maze.’ #Nate said. ‘I wasn’t sure how to leave this area.’ He continued. 

“Yeah, I saw that too. And yeah, this place is going to be hard to work out.’ #Bellamy replied.

“Would you three shut up and watch this.” I hit play again.

.

.

.

.

‘Well… Shit!’ They all said together and then it was silence again.

.

.

.

.

“300 Inmates. 25 Guard and 12 crew members. All the inmates have in one way or another murdered people. And they are all on this space ship! We need to get off it and NOW!” I told them when the video stopped abruptly.

The captain made a log telling us that the inmates were trying to take control of his ship. Due to the damage, after he, the guards, and the crew, took back control. The captain had deactivated the cryo. He wasn’t going to risk his crew for the prisoners. He said the only way his crew would make it is if they were put into cryosleep. And that is what he did. Placing them all in sleep, he remained on the ship alone to keep it moving towards home.

‘When was that entry made?’ #Nate asked.

“Over a hundred years ago.” 

‘So, are the crew still alive?’ #Jax asked. But I was already tapping the screen for the overall maps to this place.

“Here, I think they would be here.” I pointed to where they would likely be. We all exchanged a look.

‘It’s a good thing we brought Jax with us I guess.’ #Bellamy said. ‘Let’s go and take a look at the sleeping beauties.’ He backed up towards the door. ‘Come on, let’s do this.’

We all followed him out, staying close and keeping our eyes and ears open.

•— John —•

We had gone back to the house and I threw together a rather meagre meal. Everything else had been packed up for the trip back to Polis. The radio crackled. ‘John.’ #Abby sounded awful. Was it a real concern or an attempt to manipulate me  into agreeing to go with them? ‘We’re leaving, this is your last…’ Click. ‘If you leave now… we’ll wait for you.’

My eyes burned. Nobody ever… I wasn’t the person people waited for. “I’m not worth waiting on Doc. It’s my turn to wait on someone now. My turn to have faith.”

#Luna squeezed my shoulder from behind. ‘You’re just giving uh—‘ she snapped, but I heard a quiver in her voice that wrenched my gut.

‘John, if Raven can bring the ship down she’ll come to Polis.’ #Kane had taken the radio. ‘That’s where we all need to be.’

“Take care of #Emori for me. She’s clever, really good with Tek. You should get her apprenticing with the dick-tator #Jaha… if you get the door open. She’s an asset.” There was nothing else I could do.

‘We will.’ He sighed heavily.

“Is she there?” I spoke into the device.

‘Ai hir branwoda.’ (I’m here fool) #Emori’s voice came through after a short pause.

“Seingeda.” (Family) That was all I said and I  smiled.

‘Seingeda, Skaiskat.’ (Family, Skyboy.) ‘Otaim.’ (Always)

“Oso gonplie nowe ste odon.” (Our fight is never over.) I fought the quiver that tried to sneak into my voice.

‘Nowe.’ (Never) Another click. ‘Hon bida chilnes, ai lukot.’ (Find peace, my friend.)

A tear managed to worm its way free. Raven Will Come. I told myself again and again.

“Hon op hodnes, ai Meijon.” (Find love. my dearest friend.) I released the button and turned away as though my friend might see me on the brink of crying through the radio.

#Jasper was looking very intently, anywhere but at me. I knew he had formed a bond with #Emori over the last few weeks here.

I was about to offer him the radio when he stood up and  left the kitchen. He couldn’t face it; I wouldn’t push him. ‘Taim kom.’ (Someday) She replied that tell-tale sound of a lump in her throat in her voice. ‘Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim.’ (May we meet again.)

“Mebi oso na hit choda op  nodotaim.” I said back and that was the end of the conversation.

Raven Will Come.

Ten minutes later I knew they were gone.

Raven Will Come.

#Jasper returned with three bottles of wine. ‘It would be a shame to let all of this burn up... Wouldn’t it?’ he smirked. I turned to #Luna who eyed us both sternly… then, finally snatched a bottle from him. This elicited a cheer from Jasper, whose bottle was already uncorked. I grabbed the third bottle and  jogged to the panel on the wall and a few taps had music flooding the house. There was still a little time before sunset. A few hours before I lit up the closest thing to a home that I ever had… for her.

To bring her home. One last time.

I uncorked my second bottle of wine in so many hours and we partied like the world was about to end.

(Music: Diamond Walls · The People's Thieves)

•— Raven —•

〄 Time Jump

╰ 48 Hours Later

We sat there looking in disbelief at the seven bodies laying in the med bay of the Eligius IV mining ship. #Jax had managed to workout the equipment, and I had been able to divert some of the power away from the cryo pods.

“I should get back to work.” I told them, and yet I couldn’t make myself move. We followed the step-by-step instructions on how to wake the surviving crew from their sleep. However, #Jax wasn’t confident on if he could keep them from crashing.

‘You’ve been working non-stop since we got here. A break will do you some good, and you know you don’t want to miss out on this.’ #Bellamy spoke in a soft voice, placing his hand on my shoulder to keep me where I was.

“I need to keep trying to download as much information as I can and see how to land this thing and then bring it back up.” We still had a plan, and this... the finding of seven people who had been frozen asleep for over a hundred years, was a result of coming up here. However, they were not the end goal.

‘Wh…w…why don’t… yo..u ta…ke… the… tra…ns…port…. Ship…’ The broken, unused, and raspy voice of one of them had us all on our feet and rushing across the room. Me… l I hopped my way after the rest of them. Coming to a stop over the boy who looked to be a few years older than me. (Even if I knew he was born over a hundred years before.) His chocolate caramel skin was paler than it should be. His jet-black hair cropped close to his scalp. And the 5 black star tattoos on his left forearm told a story I couldn’t place a finger on.

‘Guy’s step back. Give me some room to work.’ #Jax elbowed us back as the boy fell back into unconsciousness.

‘Great, looks like that’s all we are going to get from him.’ #Nate said, earning him a scowl from both #Jax and me.

‘Rey?’ #Bellamy called my attention back. ‘Who is he?’

I hopped back over to the console, at the workstation in med bay and scrolled until I saw his image. “He looks so much younger on here.” I ended up saying without thinking. Clearing my throat, I started to share by reading out aloud.

Name: Miles Shaw

Rank: Lieutenant 

Born: mid 2020s; on Earth

Age: 25 years ( 145 in realty )

Gender: Male

Occupation: US Navy SEAL

      Pilot

 ’25 years old? When was that?’ #Nate asked while turning about having another look at boy.

Doing the math in my head. “About 145 years ago.” I told them.

‘And… I look good for it…’ This time his eyes opened. ‘Are… a… are we home?’ he asked his eyes finding me.

“Yes. You are. However, it isn’t how you remember it.” I found my feet carrying me towards him.

〄 Time Jump

     ╰ 48 Hours Later

‘Are you sure we can trust him?’ #Bellamy was whispering into my ear as I worked to tighten the last of the panels to the transport ship.

“Bells. Why wouldn’t we? Since he has woken up, all he has done is help us. Would you have a little faith in humans please.” I told him as I stepped around him.

‘Rey, you trust too easily, look how that worked out with Mu—’ He stopped himself from saying his name, when he saw me stiffen my stand. ‘All I am saying is—’

I held my hand up. “Bells, we have been up here for four days… that is three days longer than I had planned for. I want to get back down there now. in the next hour I want to be walking on the earth again. Miles has done nothing but helped us. With his crew,  explaining what is been happening, why things are as they are, and help me get this transport ship ready. We are going back. Now.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, looking at me in a telling way. ‘So, he is Shaw to all of us, and Miles to you? Really Rey?’ Smirking when I threw the old rag, I wiped my hands on at his face. ‘Fine. Fine. Let’s go.’

‘Are we set to go on a ride?’ #Miles came marching in, like a man on a mission, making both #Bellamy and I turn in his direction.

“See, Bellamy… Someone has some faith in me.” Turning to #Miles I smiled, nodding my head towards the door of the transport carrier. “What are we waiting for? Come on, let’s go.”

(Music: Dare You To Doubt Me – The Script)

•— John —•

〄 Time Jump

 ╰ 4 days earlier.

The sun set... The sky was heavy with opaque, red-brown clouds. A dust cloud is being pushed ahead of the death wave... At least that was #Jasper's thoughts. There was an occasional patch of night sky  visible. I watched for any hint of something re-entering earth's atmosphere.

'Ready?' Jasper asked, calling out to where I stood in the centre of the lawn.

"Let's do it." I called back and lifted the radio to my lips. "Here goes nothing, Luna." I spoke. She was in the top floor of the house. waiting to connect the final lights. #Jasper slurred a drunken, countdown from 5. Then they pulled the lever on the generator, the machine was oddly silent, and a series of tiny lights I could just  make out from here flickered on one at a time.  And then the lights on the ground all flickered on in order from where there had started, to where the chain moved all the way around.

The field lit up in a wonky, uneven square. The light was mismatched stretches of white, multicoloured, blue, and yellow casting eerie pool of shadows on the trees and sculptures. I made my way around the lawn, turning on the four huge stadium light Becca apparently used for hosting parties here. Once on each corner to light up the open space.

"How is it holding up?" I asked #Jasper who was examining the screen on the generator.

'Looking good!! Initiate phase two!' He said the second part into his own radio.

The Mansion flickered into  busts of colour. The light spiralled up the columns and the huge net of twinkling white light covered the roof. Every window and doorway were rimed with them. It was beautiful... a messy beautiful... but...

'There’s no way she will miss this!'  Jasper said, coming to stand next to me.

〄 Time Jump

 ╰ Today

I sat in front of the computer in the security room of the mansion. if any of these rooms had a chance of surviving it was this one. "Two days after you left..." I spoke  into the camera the light inside the helmet made my eyes look even more shadowed than they really were. "#Jasper got sick, he had a fever, and he was nauseous." I motioned to the suit.

"So, we all put on our suits... even #Luna; I figured even  with her night blood she could still be affected like she was by the fish... just not as quickly and with a better chance of recovery. But I told her we might need her, and she needed to protect herself with what little we had to do it with.

#Jasper hasn't gotten worse... but not eating talked a toll on all of us. We're rationing our water."

I had made each of put on a water pack beneath the suits, it made sleeping almost impossible, but I knew once they went on, we couldn't take them off again.

"Raven. I know that you did everything you could, and I know that in time you will get back here... maybe even to this island. Maybe this room... maybe you'll actually see this in five years when you can come back and  stay over on earth again." My voice caught. "Don't blame yourself, Stargazer. We all know that if there was a way you would have found it. Today, I..." I sniffed... "I... uh... I don't feel good. I don't think we have long left. Suits or no suits, we've all agreed we aren't going to going to the lab. If we did the radiation would kill #Jasper and I and then #Luna..." My voice cracked. "#Luna would be alone and sick... she might survive. But she would be the last person alive.

I cleared my throat. "Anyway. What I came here to say was. Don't blame yourself. You did everything you could Raven. And... I never told you... there was never

She doesn't want that. It’s bad enough that will have to watch us die first." time... and you definitely didn't want to hear this from me. But I'm dead now so you can't hate me anymore." I laughed darkly. "I love you... I've loved for..." I let out a long a breath. "I don't know how long... but longer than I even knew. I love you... somewhere on this crazy mission with you I fell in love you." I was saying it too much... but i was never going to say it again.

"And even though you never knew, and you would never feel the same... I'm not sorry. I won't ever regret loving you. It's... painful... being this far away from you. But that's okay because I know that you are alive up there. I don't know how I know... I just know. We all know that I'm shit with words... so I stole someone else's."

I picked up the tablet where I had typed out the lyrics of a song I was playing on repeat and started to read.

You are oxygen On a late-night drive To clear my head when Hope has passed me by

You are gravity When I'm upside down You help me find my way back to the ground And this, is why

You're everything good Everything true When all the world is fading You're everything new

You are my eyes When I can't see When all the world is broken You will always be Everything good

You are all I have And all I need And all I am is what, you've made of me And this, is why

You're everything good Everything true When all the world is fading You're everything new

You are my eyes When I can't see When all the world is broken You will always be Everything good

You're everything Good to me You're everything That I need That I need And this, is why

You're everything good Everything true When all the world is fading You're everything new

You are my eyes When I can't see When all the world is broken You will always be Everything good

Everything true When all the world is fading (You're everything good) You're everything new

You are my eyes (You are my eyes) When I can't see (You're everything good) When all the world is broken (You're everything good) You will always be Everything good

(Music: Ashes Remain - Everything Good)

I sat the tablet aside and looked back at the camera. "You deserve to be loved Raven... By someone so much better me... So, find them and love them unapologetically." Tears rolled over my cheek now and I it strange to not be able to swipe them away. "Good night, Stargazer. Ai hod yu in." (I love you.)

I turned off the recording and saved it to the sever as; For Raven Reyes of The Sky People a left the room. I sealed the doors as tightly as I could, I had moved as many of her favourite thing's into the room in a lame attempt to protect them. Paintings I had seen her lingering nearby. Books written by Becca. Notebooks in her hand writing, some of Becca's clothes and jewellery. She idolised the woman, if this one room could protect something for her then it was worth trying. But #Luna screaming my name pulled my attention away, and I ran to the pool where I had left the other two.

•— Raven —•

|(• ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ꜱᴘᴀᴄᴇ •)|

‘What a view.’ #Bellamy whistled under his breath as we set off back down towards the plant.

“This isn’t the first time you are seeing it.” I frowned trying to concentrate on screens.

‘It wasn’t all lite up like this Rey, lift your eyes and take it in. You did this.’ He nudged my side.

‘If you hadn’t come up, we wouldn’t be awake Raven.’ #Miles smiled across the way at me.

We have left #Jax and #Nate up in the ship, they were helping the others who were coming around and one of the crew wasn’t coming around as well as #Jax had the others awake by. And it felt wrong to be leaving them. However, Mile and his crew mate #LizzyMacName had volunteered to join us.

I stopped what I was doing to let my gaze move to the ship, it was beautiful. And I couldn’t believe it would be a viable solution to help save the lives of all those who we could gather. On clan had to be left behind. No person would be told No. Sure it would mean that #Miles and I would have to do  fair few rounds to gather them all. But it was doable.

The warning lights started to go off and it jerked me out of my thoughts. ‘What’s going on?’ #Bellamy asked over my shoulder as he and #Lizzy found their seats and belt in.

‘Nothing is wrong with the carrier. It’s the planet.’ #Miles corrected him.

‘Rey?’ He asked me.

“I’m working on it.” I wanted to say, ‘I would have known if you hadn’t make me stop to smell the flowers.’ But who had time for those one liners? “It’s the radiation.” I told them. “It’s bad Bells. Hells! How is this even possible?”

As soon as I said the words. #Miles asked. ‘Okay, so where are we going?’ I was still determined to make sure that the others were okay, but the radio was still out.

‘Polis. We told our people to go there.’ #Mile started to turn the nose of the carrier until he saw me looking I the opposite direction.

‘What is it?’ He reached over and squeezed my hand. I wasn’t sure. But there was something telling me that we were going the wrong way. ‘Raven?’ he asked again.

“Becca’s Island.” I whispered, as words came from days ago.

‘I'll be waiting by the pool, watching for shooting stars... if you come back for me.’

“He hasn’t left. He wouldn’t break a promise. One I didn’t even ask the fool for.”  I was muttering to myself.

‘I swear I'll never let you down again.’

“That boy is going to be a death of me!” We hit the atmosphere with a thud because I changed the angel of the nose just as we started to go in.

‘What the Hells Raven!’ #Miles was fighting the pull we were felling him. Who and where and what?’ He asked but I didn’t answer.

‘Rey, they all left. We told them to go to the bunker.’ #Bellamy shouted over the noise of the carrier trying to break apart.

“He wouldn’t have gone Bells, and if he didn’t leave. Luna wouldn’t have gone. And Emori would have stayed too. Because all those fools have way too much confidence in me, and I am not welling to have their blood on my hands…. I cannot… I…” I could speak anymore, and the atmosphere pushed it’s hold around us and yet somehow the carrier kept itself together.

As we started the descent, Bellamy was beside my side as soon as he could free himself. The two of us just shared a look and his words never came out of his mouth. “We don’t have time Bells, you all need to get into your suites, the levels of radiation are high and I’m not having you all die on me too.”

#Miles and I remained in place piloting the carrier and I could see his face and his expressions. ‘I cannot believe I am home.’ He finally said.

“And it’s not like you remember it being.” I told him as the Island came into sight. But now the question was the labs or the mansion?

‘So, the labs or the Mansion? Where would they be?’ #Bellamy asked the question I was thinking. The sky was a red and orange, the sun was going down, the sky was full of  muddied clouds, a warning of the death wave not being far behind. The night wouldn’t have even been visible if we hadn’t come from above, it all.

‘Holy Hells! Look!’ The lights lead the way.  We could see the outline of the Mansion from here. All the colours in the world came fighting thought the dust clouds. Them there were stadium lights that broke free of what was hiding and there was no messing the message that was laid out.

 ‘You were right, they are at the mansion.’ He sat back down as #Miles changed the rote we were taking.

“If you are dead Watcher… I swear I will bring you back to life and kill you with my own two hand.” I muttered, just as the lights flickered and died out. That made me heart sink. “No… No…. no….” The words cute out.

Getting up as soon as the carrier landed to get into my suite. And then we were out of the large back hatch as soon as it opened fully.

‘Where to?’ #Lizzy asked this time.

“The pool… We are going to the Pool.” I told them all and started down the lawn.

•— John —•

|(• ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɴꜱɪᴏɴ •)|

#Luna's scream echoed through the house, it was muffled by her helmet and the muffles quality of her yelling made it seem even more dire.

When I got to the patio; she was on her knees by the pool, cradling #Jasper across her lap. When I got to them, I saw vomit splattering the inside of his visor.

'We need to take the helmet off, John.' #Luna looked at me pleading.

"NO!!" I snapped at her, the intensity of it shocking even me.

"No... we still have at least 3 more days of water... and even after that we can..."

'It's over, Murphy. The radiation is only going to get higher. The suits aren't effective anymore.' Jasper croaked and saw him crane his neck to find the  tube attached to the water pack on his back.

"She's coming back, Jordan." My voice was filled with rage, and a hateful fire burned at the thought he could possibly think she wouldn't.

Hadn't I just recorded a goodbye to this woman? I  had no business feeling this intensely about him losing hope. The two of them looked at one another. Both were broken, both had lost the loves of their lives Then they looked at me and #Luna touches my visor like she would my cheek.

'Okay...' She smiled weakly and then forged it into something real before she looked at #Jasper and started to sing a song in trig that I didn't even try to translate.

Time passed, the nausea in the pit of my stomach grew. #Luna's song  was long finished and thank the stars because she really needed to stick to the zen/kung fu master stuff. It was my turn to distract #Jasper now. I told him the stories of the constellations that Raven had told me. I was questioning if I was  pointing to the right ones now that they were partially obscured by the rust-coloured clouds.

If #Jasper knew I was wrong, he didn't correct me. He began to retch again but all that came out of him was yellow-tinged water. "She's on her way  buddy." I told him over and over again in every possible combination of words.

'She's coming.' He croaked.

"Any minute now, Jasper. She'll come to save the day." I smiled as convincingly as I could.

'No... right now.' he tried to sit  up. His fever must be spiking. He collapsed back onto my lap, and I winced at his weight. I looked through the visor seeking out the purplish black welts that would show the progress of the radiation poisoning.

'Look up you Fucking idiot!'  He finally rasped.

I looked up and in a single instant, I felt more than I ever knew to be possible. 'You spend the last four days staring at the sky, and this you almost miss?" He laughed but it quickly became a cough. The white streak  across the sky turned yellow then a glowing, terrifying red.

I clamoured to my feet, dragging him up with me. I let out a roar like I had just accomplished what Raven had, fist-pumping the air with the arm that wasn't holding #Jasper up.

We had grabbed the bags made of the same material as our suits, which we had packed with a few things and were moving to the open area we lit up in minutes. The lights flicked, and the generator had been gathering less and less energy each  day as the dust built up in the air blocking out the sun a little more each day.

After more flickering, we were plunged into darkness all we had left was the light inside the helmets. I had flashlights in my bag, but I wasn't stopping, and  it wasn't long before the lights of the ship were leading us. #Jasper collapsed as the ship impacted the ground and even from a hundred yards away, I could feel the tremors through the soles of my boots. Nothing happened for a long few  moments while I tried to pull a limp, but conscious #Jasper to his feet.

When the door started to open #Luna and I began to scream that we were here as we tried to lift #Jasper.

•— Raven —•

We didn’t even need to walk a few feet with the dust filled air around us making it difficult to see. ‘There, is that them?’ #Lizzy shouted over the comms and my eyes flew to the position her hand pointed towards.

“No…” But it was. The faint littles on what looked like heads were making their way towards us.

‘Fuck!’ #Bellamy and #Miles started running ahead of me. leaving me limping with my heart in my throat as I tried to keep up. They both burst back through the dust and this time they were both carrying a body.

“No.. no… no…. was I too late? Who… Fuck!” The burning in my eyes wouldn’t allow me to blink it back as they screamed at #Lizzy who was a nurse.

‘Back to the ship, you need to help him, He is suffering badly, come on….’  I let them all good, I was holding them up and now I wasn’t sure if I had any fight left in me.

“You stupid fucking fool John Fucking Murry! Why did you have to stay here?” I felt to my knees and dropped my head.

‘Rey, get moving on this ship NOW!’ #Bellamy called on the comms, but I couldn’t move.

“He had faith in me, He thought I would save him. That—” A hand squeezed on my shoulder.

‘Ai told em.  he nou na sen in.  Chit a Branwoda.’ ( I told him, he just won’t listen. What a fool. ) #Luna lifted me up off my knees. Her arms holding me close as our visors touched as if our foreheads were touching. Her voice was muffled by her helmet. However, I could still work out what she said. ‘Yu don dula em  Strik sis! (You did it little sister!).

“Yu hop up gon Ai!” ( You waited for me.!” The tears rolled down my cheeks.

‘He wouldn’t leave until you came back. He said he told you this is where he would be waiting.’ I pulled back looking at her, as her head turned back, and the figure came walking towards us out of the dust.

Confused at who the others had rushed away. ‘That is Jasper, he needs help.’ She said letting me go and then running towards the ship.

“John Fucking Murry! You lied to me! This isn’t the Pool!” I started to laugh and cry at the same time.

•— John —•

I heard thumping boots against the ground, and I told Jasper they were coming and he was going to be fine, but his fever had to be spiking. H was hardly coherent. The next thing I knew Jasper was being pulled away from me. 'What is wrong with  him?' He barked but not at me just concerned.

"Radiation sickness." I gasped for air... out of breath from the run here. "The suits won't protect you for long. You need to get back into the ship."

#Bellamy tried to help me up. "I'm okay." I panted. "#Jasper needs help, he needs #Abby." #Bellamy's face looked grave... Then it hit me... We had seen them enter the earth's atmosphere; they had come for us first. I heard Raven's voice... Was she saying my name?

"Go." I  told him and whoever the hell the dude with him was. They carried #Jasper to the ship. I retched now. I had been fighting to keep from vomiting and worrying #Jasper and #Luna even more. Luckily, there wasn't anything in my stomach to come up... I dry-heaved again on my hands and knees and took a few breaths until the wave passed enough for me to stand.

The landing had kicked even more dust into the air So I could hardly see them through the haze and the glaring lights of the  ship. Why was #Luna helping her up from the ground? Was she hurt? I couldn't even be sure it was her with the suit and the visor obscuring any hint of gender... but I just knew it with a bone-deep certainty. I staggered towards her and then  she was yelling at me, I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. "I tried..." I laughed. "But Jasper really wanted to see the ship and... He's just a big kid at heart." I laughed. I gripped the sides of her helmet to plant my visor against hers; not caring that she was supposed to hate me right now. A wave of dizziness made me stumble but not fall so it was more of a bump than a touch.

"I knew you would come." My eyes stung and I knew then that my goodbye video wasn't a goodbye. It was a confession, a declaration. I was going to tell her everything. But right now, I needed her to get out of this radiation. "You're my hero, you know that Stargazer? But we gotta get going, the levels are too high for the suits." #Luna's arm came around me and she helped me into the ship. I didn't let Raven out of my sight.

•— Raven —•

I laughed so hard when he did, but then my brow twitched seeing the toll the few days down here had on him. Luna looked pale and so did John.

“I save your arse, Watcher… And this is the thanks I get?” Our helmets touched in a bump just as I had done with #Luna. Her hands were around us both and the three of us stood there. “I swear, if you die on me. I will kill you myself.” I told them both. All the madness from before wasn’t even something I gave a shit about right now. They were alive. He was alive. That is what counted.

‘We have to go.’ She said in trig and I knew it. But I needed to take them both in first.

My eyes drifted over my shoulder. “Jasper?” I looked back past him in the direction of the mansion. “Hells, where is Emori?” I asked fear taking a hold again. “Luna, take him to the ship. Get him on there and yourself. I’m right behind you.” I pushed them both towards the ship, but #Luna wouldn’t let me go.

‘She isn’t here little sister.’ She spoke. At my confusion she tugged me, and we started to run the best we could. ‘She left with the others.’ She told me.

I rushed them both onboard, closing the hatch as fast as I could and then pulling them both towards the decontamination chamber. The others were already gone, and I knew they would be in the sick bay.

Until I heard #Bellamy ‘Rey, you in first.’ He shouted.

“No, Luna and John go in first.” I pushed them both towards the chamber. Two people could get in together.

‘Raven! If we lose you, we lose a pilot—‘ I wasn’t sure the look I gave him. But his hands shot up and he took three steps back. “Strip down. As fast as you can.” I told the two and then hit the button to start the decontamination. “How is Jasper doing?” I asked Bellamy.

‘He is bad Rey, we got here in the nick of time. It’s a good thing you said here first. They wouldn’t have made it otherwise.’ My frown deepened, and I saw the worry on his face. “Marcus and the others would have gotten the door to the bunker open.” I told him. He was thinking of his sister. I could tell.

I heavily coughed, taking the helmet off. But he stopped me. ‘Not yet. You need to be in there.’

It was a good thing he was keeping his distance from me. “No shit Wisearse.” I told him.

But this moment, seeing the state of Luna, John and Jasper… I knew it would feed into my nightmares.

•— John —•

I laughed and felt a tear break free. "Have you ever done anything in your life because you expected a thank you?" I teased her. Laughing in disbelief... and.... joy? She was here, she was alive, she was... getting dosed with radiation as we spoke...

I didn't need to answer her question about #Emori, #Luna told her her that she had left with the other. Luna was helping me into the ship but Raven didn't seem like she all she was coming so I was fighting Luna, not letting my feet  move in the direction of the ship but Bellamy's yelled and she started to move.

I was dragged and shoved into a glass room and Raven as telling me the strip. "#Luna's we need to #Luna off the suits to scrub the tradition off of our skin so we don't contaminate the ship."

I explained to her even though she was already removing her suit. I was pulling off my helmet to when I glanced around the decontamination unit. "Where's #Jasper?" I yelled the only people that weren't here  were the strangers that they had shown up... Jasper was alone with these people. "Where the hell did they take Jasper?"

•— Raven —•

“John! Stop! Stop!” #Bellamy came running towards the camber as I held onto the door to keep it close.

‘Fuck Murphy! You are going to get yourself sick and everyone else too.’ #Bellamy shouted at him. ‘Stop It!’ And then I heard what he was shouting from the other side. #Luna was whispering to him too. I took my helmet off, I didn’t care what #Bellamy said. I didn’t care if it go my sick.

“John… please take a breath and listen to me. John…” my hazel eyes trying to catch his blue so that he would hear me.

“Listen to me…. Jasper is really ill… you know he is….”

Pointing back over my shoulder towards the door.

“He is with Lizzy… she is a nurse…. Jax isn’t here… but…. She it trying to help him until we can get to Abby…. And I need you to decontaminate… you and Luna…. So I can go and get us in the air….”

I was speaking nice and slow, like talking to a terrifying child. #Miles came running in.

‘Hey…. Rey… Bells…. We ready to go? Let’s get the show on the road.’ However, my eyes remained on John.

“John?” I said his name. Needing him to tell me he understood.

•— John —•

I completely ignored #Bellamy and fixed my eyes on Raven. I leaned in close to the glass, eye-to-eye with her. "What do you mean Jax isn't here? Where...." What was happening? Wasn't this the ship that was in orbit? Had they landed somewhere  else first? But we had seen them entering the atmosphere. The scalding hot water started to spay for the ceiling and Luna made a startled gasp.

#Bellamy had stopped yelling at me and was talking to #Luna now; pointing to the brushes hanging  along the wall and telling her the scrub her skin as hard as she could bare. "Raven...." My voice was cracking. "What is going on? Isn't this the ship you went to find?"

How was it possible for the others to not be here? Where the hell  were they?

That new guy was back and my eyes flit past Raven for a second. Jasper was only alone with one of them now... but it looked like he was wearing military gear, which meant his friend likely was military or some kind of soldier  too.

My suit was slowly filling with blisteringly hot water as the showers above pounded down on me. I locked my eyes with Raven's again.

She had called me John.

I was thankful for the deluge; it was the only thing that would keep her  from knowing that hearing the one word from her lips let lose more tears.

"Do you trust these people, Raven?"

•— Raven —•

‘Rey? We gotta go now.’ Holding my finger up to stop #Miles.

“Go get started, I’m right behind you.” I told him not taking my eyes from John. I could hear and see #Luna doing what was needed.

“John. I will tell you everything… Everything… once you are clean and radiation free. Please.”

My heart was bounding in my head, and I knew #Miles was still watching me. His eyes dug into the back of my. “Miles. Go. I’m coming.”

I saw the fear in Johns eyes, I saw the anxiety, bubbling up and threatening to blow like a volcano if he wasn’t  told soon. But I didn’t have time. “I trust them. And I need you to trust me. Do you?”

I placed my hand flat on the glass that divides us. And this overwhelming urge to hold Him and Luna came over me.

“I… I’m sorry I left you… I’m sorry I didn’t take you with me… all three of you… I should…. I should have known you three wouldn’t have giving up.”

‘Rey?’ This time it was Bellamy. ‘This isn’t on you.’ He said with a thick voice. And I knew he was thinking of his sister.

“Yes, it is. I always make the wrong decisions. And those  I love… pay for them.” I swallowed hard. “John Fucking Murphy! Get your clothes off and get to washing NOW!” I banged on the glass this time to shake him out of it.

•— John —•

This new guy #Miles was already bugging me… I could tell by his face that we weren’t gonna get along. I focused on Raven, I knew we were pushed for time… but we had all been together for so long, splitting three ways was hard enough. But  being divided again; my mind couldn't wrap around it. And it was hard enough to comprehend why it was so painful to be split into groups in the first place. And add in the constant fight to keep myself from upchucking… it was too much.

The  way she spoke to the army boy made me smirk on the inside.

I pressed my hand to the glass where I could have touched her face… something wouldn’t dare if there wasn’t a barrier between us I wouldn’t have dared. I had no right. “I trust you, Stargazer.’ I whispered, not because I didn't want anyone to hear… just because those words were only for her. I ignored Bellamy. Was I included in the group of people she loved? I know it wasn’t the same as the feeling I was harbouring… but  it was something. It was one hell of a something. “You did that right thing, Raven. We’ll all survive because of you.”

She yelled at me and I started to strip. “Go, Raven!” I called to her over the roaring water as I moved to the centre of the room where r - the water fell more thickly. “It's time to be a hero. The others are waiting. I got this and I’ll find Jasper when I’m decontaminated.”

•— Raven —•

Waiting at first then when it seemed like both #Luna and John had begun to do what was being asked of them. I started to walk away backwards. I’m hurting my gaze when he started in his pants.

‘Is it meant to be hot when you bang on glass and scream at men?’ Miles slowed down for me to catch up with him. I rise an eyebrow at him and give him a sideways glance.

“It’s hot even when I take a boom stick and push it up where the stars don’t shine too.” My heart was still going a million miles thudding against my chest.

‘All I gonna say.. if you  tell me to strip… you won’t need to ask twice.’ He laughed, and I knew it was the adrenaline rush. We were all feeling it.

“As if you would ever get that lucky Lieutenant Miles Shaw.” I came to a stop outside the door where I could hear #Lizzy speaking to #Jasper.

‘Yes ma’am.’ #Miles said with a salute before pushing the door open so that I could look inside.

“How is he doing?” #Jasper was still now and I rushed into the room. “Hells! Are those radiation burns.” #Lizzy moved to wash them clean.

‘I’m doing the best I can, and with what I have. However, we need Jackson.’ Her hands were shaking. I knew she hadn’t been awake for long. So, I squeezed her shoulder.

“I have one better than Doc Junior.” Half smiling at the nickname John has given #Jax. “Buckle in we are going to move fast.” Both #Miles and I rushed to get things moving. He had done everything but lifting off. He sat on his seat, and I took mine. ‘Ready to do this again Cap?’ He smiled at me.

“I am not the Cap.” He just laughed and hit play on his music. And we started to lift up with a shake, a jolt and then we were air bound.

(Music: Keep on Running - The Spencer Davis Group )

•— John —•

I watched her follow the army-boy… I got a bad feeling from that guy. I would need to keep my eyes on him. He turned sideways and I saw something in his eyes when he said something to her, and I wished that I hear it.

‘John!’ #Luna called  like she had it was not the first time she was trying to get my attention

“I don’t like that guy.” I told a naked Luna scrubbing my skin with the rough brush she handed me. Then I was kicking out of the boots and the legs of the radiation  suit. I had some blisters around the areas where the seams of the suits met, but luckily #Luna’s night blood had protected her.

‘You don’t even know him.’ She said gathering my suit and clothes and dumping them into the waste and returning  to scrub my back.

“I haven’t survived this long by being a poor judge of character.” I replied and heard Luna mutter ‘Trikru torchplie.’ as she scrubbed over the scars on my back. I said nothing… this was not the time. But a wave of nausea  hit me, and I launched across the vomit into the nearest drain. It was mostly water, but I looked up instantly to make Raven was long gone. She did not need to see this.

After I helped Luna scrub her back I turned off the water and became  very suddenly aware of our nakedness. In the next small chamber, there was a scanner that I instantly assumed I wouldn’t be able to use but it was idiot-proof, with two buttons and two lights The green light flashed for us both when we  scanned each other, and we stepped and dressed the grey military style overalls that were left out for us and started following signs to the med bay. Telling Luna to hold firm to the railing on the walls as the vibrations increased under our  feet. We weren’t going to stop to hunker down for take-off. I wanted to get to Jasper.

•— Raven —•

The sounds of footsteps couldn’t be heard over the music, so I jolted when a hand squeezed my shoulder. My head jolting up to see #Bellamy there.

‘They have a few burns. John was sick, Luna isn’t showing much of anything but fatigue. And Jasper… Lizzy has him sedated. We need…’ I cut him off.

“Abby. I know. Where do you think we are heading right now.” I was grateful for the update. He knew that my mind with be with the others until I heard.

‘Don’t shoot the messenger Rey.’ He wasn’t angry. Just reminding me that we were doing everything we could.

‘Buckle down Bellamy, she’s just upped the speed. And Rey takes it easy of this old girl. She needs a tender, loving touch to work.’ #Miles said and I knew it. I knew I could push this ship to its full capacity just yet. But with Polis in our eyeline, I wasn’t going to slow down.

As we crossed the ocean, we could see the changes in it. There were parts were the water seemed to be boiling. Dead fish laced the top of the water, and our imaginations filled in the parts that were missing. The smell, the feel, the loss, and what this would mean.

‘This isn’t how I expected to find home again.’ #Miles shook his head, each emotion  he was living openly for all to see. The shock, the uncertainty, the loss of a world that had been dead for over a century. He lived in a few moments.

“It’s still home, just a different version of it.” Reaching out I squeezed his hand. He turned his hand around and took mine. I didn’t pull away. He felt this loss harder. He still remembered this planet as it once had been in the past.

‘There’s Polis. #Bella pointed out and I narrowed my eyes.’

“It’s time to get this show  back on the road.”

‘Like we ever stopped!’ #Bells rolled his eyes.

•— John —•

#Luna held fast to the rail. We were forced to stop once or twice during acceleration One of those jolts brought me face-to-face with a door that read ‘No Inmates beyond this point’

I turned to #Luna as we continued on again. “I knew I had a bad feeling about him… He’s a convict” I scoffed.

‘Like you, you mean?’ #Luna was teasing me I knew.

“It’s not the same thing… we were locked up for whatever they decided was a crime… Back then you needed evidence and a fair trial.” I  said back to her. She had nothing to say after that… partly because we found #Jasper and that #Lizzy girl.

I was at his side in a second and lifting the dry gauze off His burns… I almost hated to admit that they had been well cleaned.

‘What are you doing?’ I heard the voice from before we boarded.

“Checking you’re work…” I said plainly and the checked the rest before resting the back of my hand against his forehead. “And now you can tell me everything you’ve given him done to the milligram.”

The woman looked like she was about to protest. but I felt #Luna stands century behind me. I could imagine the look she gave the woman. After this nurse told me what she had given Jasper, I told her we needed ice to the heat radiating on of of Jasper’s burns. ‘You can’t put ice on burns.’ She scoffed.

“No not on the burns… Next to the burns, it will bring down his heart rate and let him rest with less sedation. This isn’t my first rodeo.” I explained.

‘His temperature will need to be constantly monitored… and you’ll have warm him and cool him down every —‘

I cut in. “Every twenty minutes… or less. Don’t worry about it… I’ve done this before, and he is in far better shape. I’ll stay with him.”

‘Are you a nurse?’ #Lizzy asked.

I started to tell her no but #Luna pipped up then. ‘He’s healer’s apprentice… and he HAS done this before, so you can show me where you keep what he needs if you don’t want to.’

I tired not the smile as #Lizzy moved to grab the ice packs.

•— Raven —•

I heard the doors behind us open and close, waiting as I assumed that #Luna and John had come to join us until I heard the question from #Bellamy. ‘Why are you here, doesn’t Jasper need your help?’

‘I had been helping him, however then… well…. Your friends practically  kicked me out of the med bay.’

I half turned my head to sea #Lizzy rubbing her hands together and shifting from foot to foot. ‘The girl with the curly hair says that the man was an healers apprentice? I assumed he is a doctor in training?’

This made #Bellamy laugh. ‘Murphy? A doctor? We would all be dead.’

“Really? So, he wasn’t the one who kept me alive? To help save me?” I called over the music.

‘You saved yourself Rey, don’t give that credit away for free.’ He was looking down and then over to the side watching where we went.

“I didn’t say he saved me. I said helped… if he didn’t keep me alive. I would never have had the time to work it out.”

‘Let me go find out what those two are playing at.’ He spoke.

“Leave them be. They have gone through a lot in the last four days. They need to know that they are helping Bells. And look. There’s the tower. You need to tell us where best to land. I’ve not been here as much as you.”

He pointed to the middle of the township. ‘There. Land right there. Everyone will see you if they are in hiding.

They will come out.’

“You’re not as stupid as you act sometimes Blake.”

•— John —•

As I tended to #Jasper I didn’t even notice the nurse disappear. Every time the ship jolted, I felt #Luna’s hand come against my back to steady me. “How are you doing with the flying thing?” I asked her. “Feeling sick?”

‘It's not unlike  floudon-de (The boat).’ She said, bracing me again, as I started to remove the ice packs before Jasper’s temperature dropped below the baseline. The ship lurched again, and my stomach rolled. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘You’ve gone almost  green.’

Bile rose in my throat until and my hand flew to my mouth. I threw myself across the room to the small sink and threw up, again but this time it kept coming. Luna was at my side, but it told her she needed to remove the last of the  ice packs and put them back into the cooler for the next round of cooling.

When she was done, she came back to find me with my forehead pressed to the cool steel of the sink. ‘You need that medicine you stole for #Adria… do you think they have it here?’ She looked around the room at the cabinets on the wall.

“They must if they needed a decontamination chamber on board, look for a label that says potassium iodide.” We searched the cabinets for far too long, I had to stop and check on #Jasper’s vitals. A bottle of pills on the table by the bed caught my eye. ‘Many of these are locked.’ #Luna said.

“They’re here,” I said to her. “The bottle is open… That nurse must have…” I glanced at Jasper. “She must have  given it to #Jasper.” I took one of the pills and went back to the sink to wash it down with water. I watched #Luna tip some of the pills into her palm…

‘So many…’ she looked up at me. ‘I thought this medicine was rare?’

I knew where her  mind was going. “It was… in Arkadia. There were only 14 that we knew of in existence. But this ship left earth before the Cataclysm. These would have been readily available... And plentiful.”

‘This bottle alone could have saved half of my  people.’ She tipped the pills carefully back into the bottle like they were diamonds. I wanted to tell her no, I wanted to tell her they needed to be used with 24 hours of exposure and that by the time they made it to Arkadia it was already too late. But I didn’t. Because there was a chance.

“Maybe…” I said quietly and reached out to take her am as she blinked back the tears glistening in the corner of her eyes. The ship jerked and slammed Luna and me together. I barely  managed to stop my forehead from cracking against the taller woman's chin.

We grabbed onto each other and the nearest ledge to keep from tumbling over. Thankfully someone had strapped Jasper to the table. “We’re landing.” I told her.

She  tried to tell me to stay with Jasper and that she would go and help with the rescue. “No, you can’t… not yet. There’ll be Fliemkepas… they might recognise you and we don’t know how the clan leaders will react to seeing there’s still a  Nightblood alive. We need to see what the reaction is to a red-blooded Heda before we let them see you, #Luna. We can’t risk them turning on Octavia yet. We can’t let them force you into leading.” I knew she didn’t want it. She agreed and I  started to run back to where we had entered the ship. I was still coated in sweat and fighting the urge the throw up whatever was left of my insides.

•— Raven —•

‘You guys need to work on your landing skills.’ #Bellamy tapped my shoulder because he was the first up and rushing out towards the hatch.

“I’m like to see you try and do better.” I called out unbuckling myself and giving #Miles a high five. “We did good, no matter what he says.”

We were close behind him rushing to get out before the clans started to attack without knowing who was on this ship.

‘You look like shit.’ #Bellamy shouted as we all ran past the med bay, and I came to a stop.

“Lizzy, we need you to stay on the ship. The people who are suffering the most will be coming up and in first. That’s if they don’t fight us.” I said However, my eyes were on John as I spoke.

‘That’s also if they don’t try to kill us before we can talk.’ #Bellamy added.

‘Always so positive, Blake.’ #Miles was beside me, nudging me in the side. ‘Shall we?’ He zipped his suit up and smiled.

“Go ahead, I’m right behind you.” I said them went to talk to #Luna and John. “You both aren’t going out there. Luna, we don’t know how.” She poked John I the side. Telling he had given her the once over already. That he didn’t trust the elders of the clans not to try to take her choice away from her. And my hazel eyes were on him again.

“John. You look really bad. You can’t go out there again. The levels aren’t as high as they were on the island. But still, it’s too much for you three to get anything more. Please. Stay here. Stay with Jasper and Luna. Keep them safe.” And the part I didn’t say. ‘keep yourself safe.’

#Lizzy came to show me the med bag I needed to take with me. ‘Give this to your doctor, tell her I will have things set to go in here.’ I nodded taking it.

“John. Lizzy is good people. Please let her help.” I glanced over to #Jasper over the shoulder. “Keep him alive. It’s the only way I can kill him for not doing as we planned.” I half smiled starting to make my way down the corridor, hopping the best I could with the suit on, and the med bag over my shoulder.  

•— John —•

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her coming… but tried really hard not to just stare at her. That just meant that my gaze jumped around like I was delirious… speaking of delirium… was it getting hotter in here?

Raven insisted that we  shouldn’t go outside, and another wave of nausea told me she was probably right. I nodded, agreeing with her… “Just…” I stepped closer and tugged the zipper on her suit, checking the seams where her gloves met her suit and around her helmet.

“Twenty-Five minutes maximum, Rey… Please? Then get your arse back here and get this bird ready to fly. Promise me?” I could feel the sweat beading across my forehead and then she was walking away,

“He’s going to be okay Raven, he just needs Abby.” I called after her. Her limp was way worse… what the hell had she been doing these last few days? We walked back into the med bay And I felt a hand on my shoulder spinning me around. “Luna…” I said the room spinning a little.

“Oh… not #Luna…” I said to #Lizzie. Then I was running for the sink again and throwing up bile. It burned all the way up, making it feel like my chest was on fire.

‘You need to take the Potassium…’ Lizzie started and I managed to tell  her, between heaves, that I had already. ‘Good… but you need to have something in your stomach because the puking isn’t going to stop and it's better to have something to throw up.’ She handed me a silver packet labelled protein paste. I  wrinkled up my nose… remembering our once-a-week protein rations in the sky box. “Fuck, I’m gonna miss earth food.” I took it and lifted my forehead from the cool steel. “Thank you…” she nodded and started to lay out supplies she thought she might need for the survivors.

‘You need to lie down… or at least sit-down.’ She said when I start sucking the paste out of foil like it was a drug and I was addicted. It tasted like shit but the second it hit my tongue I remembered how  hungry I was. ‘When was the last time you ate?’

“Only three days… I’ve gone longer. It's fine.” I ripped open the foil and licked it clean. #Lizzie looked at me with that dreaded mix of horror and pity.

‘Things have been difficult… on  Earth for a while now.’ #Luna explained.

“I need to stay on my feet for now… I can’t leave #Jasper and without #Jackson, the Doc is going to need help” I looked at #Lizzie imploring.

She sighed. ‘I can give you a shot for the vomiting but it won’t last long and all it will do is mask the symptoms. And something for your fever but only if you let me check your blood pressure and vitals first and stay you have to stay hydrated.’

I agreed to her terms, they weren’t unreasonable… They did, however, waste time that could have been spent preparing while she asked… ‘Why aren’t you sick?’ Her gaze was on #Luna as she pumped the blood pressure cuff. #Luna looked to me… unsure what to say.

“She was born on  Earth… Higher radiation levels… some of the grounders still have a higher tolerance to it.” Nothing I said was a lie, Night bloods were grounders, and they had a higher threshold for metabolising radiation.

‘She can’t speak for herself.’ #Lizzie huffed but her annoyance was at me… I forgot in her world women had to deal with sexism. Things like men speaking for them because they assumed to be less important.

‘We were told it was a kind of magic in our blood. That it was sacred.’ #Luna explained. ‘I don’t fully understand the science of it… John and his people have been teaching me.’ #Luna didn’t lie either.

I finished a bottle of water and the nurse gave a shot into my arse and awkwardly ignored the scars  on my back as she did. Then we set about making the med bay ready and continuing to tend the #Jasper. ‘I’m not sure that we’ll have enough PI pills for everyone until we get to Eligius III.’ #Lizzie revealed.

“Children first.” I told her.

‘The Commander first.’ #Luna corrected. ‘Then the children and the sickest.’

‘People won’t like that… They may riot.’ #Lizzie looked like she wouldn’t blame them if they did. “What about the elderly?”

‘They won’t take limited resources from the young and strong.’ #Luna told her. ‘Only if it is plentiful.’

“Don’t worry… We’ll have someone that can control them.” I assured her. then I turned the #Luna. “#Octavia better be alive.”

•— Raven —•

I don’t know why I turned back to look over my shoulder one last time. However, they were all gone. “Don’t you dare die on me.” I whisper out. “Because… I will kill you.”

With that being said, for no one to hear. I put my helmet on. Pulled the bag up and over my shoulder and stepped out into the dark night to come to an abrupt halt.

#Bellamy and #Miles stood with their hands in the air, the gun #Bells had over his shoulder when he left me behind sat on the ground with a knife being pushed to his throat.

‘This is your fault.’ The man shouted in Trig.

‘Wait… no.. no… we were trying to help. Where is Octavia? Where is my sister.’ #Bellamy asked with a hellish calm in his voice.

‘You don’t talking about our commander. You are sky people. She is no longer yours.’ Another said, then kicked #Bellamy’s legs out from under him.

“Stop! I shouters holding my hands up. “You are wasting time. We need you all on this ship now. It’s not safe to be out here. We are here to help.” The warriors started toward me. Knives and arrows knocked in their bows.

‘ENOUGH! Step back from them.’ A blooming voice parted the crowd who were unsure what to do or who to believe. ‘This is the brother  of our commander. Leave him be.’

“INDRA!” I called out her name, and she looked at me and the bag on my bag. “We need everyone to climb on this ship. We have a way to save everyone. But we must go now. We have medical supplies, a healer, we have.”

She pulled me forward by the suit. ‘She is here to save us. We must listen.’ She told them all.

“Where are the others?” I asked in her ear.

‘Still trying to get into the bunker. Come. We don’t have time to waste.’

•— John —•

Watching her go was so strange, I had a feeling after saying what I said out loud to the stupid video log a lot was going to be strange now. I reluctantly went back into the med bay. I knew that she could handle herself... but that wasn’t the point. I didn’t want her to handle shit like this without having her back… not because she needed me to. Maybe because I needed to?

‘We only have two more beds… I don’t know what we’re supposed to do if we need more.’ Lizzie said after explaining about the other ship and the facilities there.

“All we need to do is treat the sickest most injuries we can until we get to the other ship. We just keep as many people alive as we can. And there’ll be a doctor on board too.

Maybe even a few grounder healers too.” I told her and #Luna.

‘They’ll mostly need water and wounds cleaned… the black rain has poisoned the water.” She said as she parcelled out water into cups trying to make each bottle stretch while  still giving a healthy portion for each person.

‘Just until we get to the ship.’ #Lizzie was reassuring #Luna, who was looking guilty about having to ration water. ‘Then no one will be thirsty we have a hydro generator…. we’ll need to  start rationing at some stage… but not today.’

Okay… so maybe Raven was right and #Lizzie was good people. #Jasper coughed and I darted to his side… she was finally awake… ‘What happened?’ He croaked. ‘Did we make it?’

•— Raven —•

People were parting the way like an ocean wave leaving a dry landscape behind it. They were sick, I could see that from a quick glance. “Indra, Stop. We need these people to get onto the ship. We can help them up there.” Longing for her to stop, but she didn’t. Her people were holding watch before the temple, #Bellmay and #Miles still stood at blade point by the ship. I could hear the sound of voices coming from within.

‘Jaha… Stop this madness. We need to have more people I there. Octavia won, they will listen to her and follow her now. Open this door.’ #Marcus banged his fist on the table as the radio went dead on the other side. ‘That stubborn fool!’ He threw a cup across the room, and then his eyes met mine. ‘Raven? RAVEN?’

“So, I just there is no family reunion? That’s a shame.” 

#Harper, #Jax, #Monty all came rushing towards me. One by one their arms hug me until #Abby, stood before me. ‘Of course, you came back.’ She cupped my face with tears in her eyes. ‘I was so worried about you.’

‘We knew you would come back Rey.’ #Clark stepped up too.

“The bunker is closed. People are sick. Jasper needs you, Abby. He is on the ship. And I don’t have time to explain it all.” They knew, they were all showing signs of sickness too. “O… Your brother is going to kill people if he doesn’t see you soon. And Then We need all these people to get o the ship.” I didn’t stop talking. “Indra… We need all the help. I know you may no longer want my help. But this is me telling you… this is the only way for us all to live.”

No-one pushed back, I was in shock at how they listened, and they all stared to fall into action. While they walked out the temple, I walked in. Grabbing the radio. “I don’t know if you can hear me Jaha… But I hope you rot for everything you did to us. For only thinking of yourself and leaving everyone I love and care for to die. I hope I see you in Five years. Because I need to look you in your eyes and show you how you are not the subject of saviour of the human race.”

‘Let’s go Raven.’ #Macus placed a hand on my shoulder.

•— John —•

“We’re in Polis now, Jasper.” I told him explaining that there was another ship in orbit and we were rescuing the others before we got the hell out of dodge.

‘Polis?’ He croaked and tried to sit up. I pushed him back down. ‘#Monty and #Harper are out there. I need to see them.’

“Raven and #Bellamy are getting everyone. We were exposed to too much radiation we can’t go back out there… and you need to be seen by Abby before you can go anywhere.” He started to protest but  I stopped him. “#Emori is out there too #Jasper… I know how you feel. But if we get any more exposure we’re just going to slow everyone down.”

He laid back by himself and huffed in resignation. ‘Why isn’t #Luna out there?’ He asked and  #Lizzie eyed him… knowing she’d been exposed as long as we had.

I squeezed his shoulder and gave him a look that pleaded with him to play along. “It was too risky… she isn't sick yet but we can change it.”

He said nothing and looked up at me ‘You look like shit Murphy.’ He laughed and so did I a little… letting the relief that he was awake finally sink in. “I feel even worse. But you just need to hold on for #Abby okay?”

We continued our preparation and #Jasper fell asleep pretty quickly but he looked far more restful than he had been previously. I knew Raven would be happy to hear he had woken up even if he was still out when she got back

Too much time was passing. Why wasn’t anyone boarding? Even if our people weren’t back I figured they should be directing people to the ship by now. I went back into the. Corridor but I didn’t pass the Decon-Showers, staying on the radiation-free side of the sealed doors. I could hear voices outside but not clearly enough to make them out.

•— Raven —•

“What the hells?” Both #Marcus and I came to a stand still, watching the fights that had broken out. Clans weren’t just right each other, they were hitting our guys too.

#Monty had a thick lip, #Jax was holding his eye, #Miles and #Bellamy were still at the far end as #Clark tried to talk them all down.

She told them to get in the ship, that there was room to save everyone. That no one needed to fight. But for her attempt she was thanked with a rock hailed at her  head.

#Abby rushed over to her daughter, then a booming sound came from ahead and #Octavia came to the centre of the clearing.

She told them that clans were a thing of the past, that by winning the conclave she wanted to bring unity to all the grounders. And that started now.

Trikru were the first to calm and listen, and we all knew it was because of #Inda stood to the left of #Octavia. And right now I didn’t care, as long as it meant they would get on.

She told them  we were running out to time, that they had a choice. Die down here, or try to go to the ship, and wait for the planet to recover and repair itself.

‘We will return, this is home. But. Now. Now we survive the death wave. Look around you  Look at our children. Look at our old. They are dying, they are sick. This ship. It is here to save us all.’

Her trig was so fluent that I had missed parts of what she said. It was #Marcus whispering beside me who followed the conversation fully.

‘No! This is your fault! Skaikru has done this to us.’ A warrior from Azgeda shouted.

“Marcus, it’s time. It’s time to tell them the truth. To tell them we could never save them all with just the bunker.” I whispered  to him.

‘We are all one now.’ #Octavia called back to him. ‘One leader for all clans. We are Onekru!’ She shouted back. contact with everyone who would look at him.

‘Your leaders all knew this and you should know too. With the bunker with everything we were trying to do, we couldn’t have saved all the people.’ He pointed to me, #Bellamy and then #Miles.

‘They all risked their lives to find a way to help everyone. Not just Skaikru. We cannot and will not make anyone who doesn’t want to come, come in the ship. But please. Please. Have faith that you will be safe.’

People looking to #Inda. #Marcus stepped forward with his hands up showing he had no weapons on him. He turned a full circle making eye  and she stepped forward.

‘Go now. Before our young die.’ She took the first stepped to the hatch and stood on the fourth step guiding the grounders who dared to take the first time take a step off the land they were born on.

•— John —•

Things seemed to explode outside the ship… the unmistakable sounds of fighting filtered in through the glass. Panic swelled inside me… this wasn’t the kind of panic I was used to… the kind where you are being chased by someone (or several  someone's) that want to kill you. Not the panic you feel locked in a cage hardly big enough for a dog for two days and you can hear your torturer coming for you again.

No this was an all-consuming my-heart-is-going-to-explode-is-it-hot-in-here-there’s-no-air panic. Raven was in the middle of a city at war. My vision blurred and just then everything died down and there were murmurs again… that I couldn’t make out.

This was maddening. My hand hovered over the release button, but a glance over my shoulder had me thinking of #Jasper a few feet down the hall in that bed. The radiation that would flood in might not affect #Lizzie too badly because she had taken the ARS medication. #Luna would be fine… but #Jasper.

“FUCK!!” I buried my fingers in my hair and fisted it hard.

“John!!” A strange voice called my first name, pissed off like it wasn’t the first attempt to get my attention…. #Lizzie… she’d mostly heard #Luna speaking to me. So, to her, I was John now too. That wouldn’t last. “You need to put this on. We won’t be able to decontaminate everyone so when these dos open you’ll be exposed again.”

“No.” I shook my head. “It will scare the children and the Grounders.”

Her brows pulled together. “Is a primitive society.” I explained. “They have a 200-year-old culture, that developed in ruins and forests… No medicine, no technology. They won’t let us near them in  those.” I pointed to the suit in her hands.

‘What do you suggest we do then?’ She asked.

I told her we would wait until the survivors were on board and the outer doors were closed and then we opened the doors and did what we could while Raven and Soldier Boy got us to the other ship. #Lizzie protested, saying she was willing to risk it; she’d only been exposed for moments, and she had the meds in her system immediately after, but even the exposure to the residual radiation  on the victims could make me and Jasper sicker.

“Then we move Jasper to the safest room and make it off-limits. I won’t tell you what to do… but we won’t be able to help anyone with those things on. I’m gonna frighten those kids any more  than they already are.”

The first of the survivors started to board the first face a recognised was #Harper and the man with the fat lip she was supporting was… Monty?? They were coaxing grounders to follow them when they looked around and spotted me behind the glass. Grounders slowly started the pour into the ship, wide-eyed and terrified, blinking up at the strip lights in the ceiling and shielding their eyes.

•— Raven —•

Slow.. it was such a slow start. As we all knew that time wasn’t on our side, from the moment we left the temple we were talking to the people who we came across. Begging, pledging for them to listen, for them to take a chance, to know that we were trying to help everyone, not just those who they thought we were there for.

“Beja, sen in gon yumi.  beja hon daun bilaik seingedaraun skaifloudon.  Oso dula op nou yu don gou. ” (Please, listen to us. please take your family onto the ship. We do not have time.) I repeated the words over and over again.

Some listened and started for the ship, others cowered away not wanting to live the only please they knew to be home. I understood their appreciation, I really did. Some part of me wasn’t ready to leave the island. It had been the only place where I felt save, I was feed well, didn’t sleep fearing my life from another’s hands. I walked in the night under the star, and now? Now we were all going to start from scratch again. I knew that life in space wasn’t going to be smooth. I knew that having all these clans in one place would become a nightmare, however I still couldn’t walk away from them without trying my all to make them move.

‘Raven, we need you on the ship, we can’t wait any longer if you want to make it back down again.’ #Bellamy and #Miles were guiding people on with #Clarke and #Octavia. Even with the violence we all faced, none of us had stepped back into the ship. ‘Raven.’ #Miles shouted. ‘Let’s go!’

#Marucs and #Abby were together now still talking to some of the grounders and I came to a dead stop.

“Adria?” Was I seeing thinks? I was sure that it was her. “Adria?” I ran after the girl who them fell into the arms of a man crying over her with a woman trying to pull her into her lap.

‘Beja, sis osir au.’ (Please help us.) The woman cried to me. Pulling me out of my frozen trance. ‘Beja! Beja! Ai fyucha.. beja, sis osir au.’ (Please! Please! My baby, please help us.)

The girl was the same height and weight as Adria, with dirty blonde hair clinging to her forehead. She had radiation burns covering her face, and she has lost consciousness.

“Ai na sis, kom op kom Ai!” (I can help, come with me!) I threw the bag I was carrying over my shoulder to the side, taking the girl from her father’s arms, I stood feeling the excruciating pain spasming up my side. My leg buckled under me as I started to run, and #Miles was by my side.

‘Here, let me help you.’ He took the girl out of my arms. ‘We need you back on that ship now Raven. We need to be ready to take off.’ I knew he was right, that I was needed as was he. But I couldn’t stop looking at her face, flashes of Adria coming back to me, and I couldn’t breathe of stand up straight.

‘I gout you Rey.’ #Marcus put his arms around me and started to pull me back to the ship.

•— John —•

The noises outside shifted to chaotic again… like fighting but without the clash of swords. Maybe the sounds of mounting fear? I figured #Clarke was locked in the bunker with the others since no one had fired a shot yet. Slowly more and more people filed into the ship. But not fast enough. I could see people with radiation burns. I watched someone else wretch onto the person holding them up. I turned back to #Lizzie. “Do you have any form of communication that works through the radiation? Even a speaker that we can use to talk to the people outside?”

‘Our walkies are laser comm…. if they worked on the asteroid they’ll work here.’ She clipped hers off her belt. ‘#Shaw will have his.’ I assumed that was soldier  boy…

“Shaw?” I said into the radio. I supposed I shouldn’t insult him when I was about to ask him to do something for me. Nothing. “Shaw?”

‘Who is this?’ A breathless voice came back through the device. ‘Never mind, coming your way with a kid in bad shape.’ He added before I could respond.

“You need to tell #Raven or #Octavia that they need to tell the people they have three minutes to board or get left behind. We can’t treat anyone until those doors are closed. They need  to decide now. Die here or live up there. We can’t let the people that are choosing to be saved, die for the ones who aren't. People are suffering in here.”

I was harsh. But that was what these people responded to. Live or die… that was  the choice here they needed to know there weren’t other options. The bunker was closed. Even if it could be opened it would save them. In fact it probably just be a slower death… they would swarm the bunker and overwhelm it’s capabilities  and they would all be dead in a year. Like the Ark on a massively accelerated time scale.

Then again… would he ship be any better with this many people? I shook away the thought. Raven would have figure that out before she came back… maybe that was why it took four days.

•— Raven —•

When we were finally on board, Miles handed the girl off  to been decontaminated and when he turned to look at me I was stood with my back towards him. I couldn’t turn my back on those who had chosen not to have faith in us.

‘Raven, we have to go.’ He whispered behind me. Marcus, Octavia and Abby still shouting to the others to come. A few started to run towards the ship as the door began to go up, however jumped on before it was too late.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt myself being pulled. ‘We cannot take the suits off right now, we have to go.’ #Miles had tugged me with him. at some point saying that he would carry me if I didn’t come now. And I couldn’t fight him. All I could see were the faces of those who were left behind.

‘We don’t have to do all the checks, but we… Raven.. are you listening to me?’ He asked as we walked pass all the crying children and the stone faces warriors who I could tell didn’t want to be here. My eyes moved around to count the faces of my family. I wasn’t taking off unless I saw each and every one of them.

‘Go Rey, we go this.’ Clarke said squeezing my arm, and now I saw John, Harper, Monty, Abby, Marcus had been with me. one by one I counted them all off.

“Okay, Let’s  go.” I said as I pass John, whispering for only him to hear. I squeezed his arm. “Where  is the Zen master?” I wasn’t going to use her name. I didn’t know who could hear us, but I until I knew she would be safe. I wasn’t taking the chance. “She needs to come with me. We can close off that part of the ship until we have docked up there.” I pointed up.

•— John —•

The moment #Shaw came into view I knew why he had been breathless He passed the girl off and began dragging Raven away… I barely had a chance to scan her for injuries. Was her limp worse or was that because of the way she was being pulled?

#Harper had placed herself the decon unit and was washing the girl down and screaming at me to open the doors. “I can’t!” I yelled back over the noise of the rushing water. “Jasper is really sick he can’t be exposed again. We need to triage the sickest to treat on this side. We can’t decontaminate everyone.”

‘Is Jasper going to be okay?’ She asked, Monty was already calling for Abby and trying to decide who was coming through. Harper placed the girl in the second chamber.

“He’s awake… making jokes… but he’s sick He’ll make it… but he’s…. Sick.” I told her As I retrieved the girl. “Raven?” I asked.

‘She wasn’t hurt… but I don’t…’ She trailed off as #Bellamy and #Kane called out a one-minute  warning in gonasleng and trig. The ship’s engine had never shut off, but the vibrations tripled beneath my feet. The increased rumbling sound sent another wave of people rushing into the ship. #Abby among them.

I turned to #Lizzie and told her that was our doc. She rushed through the shower unit after telling me that I should help the doctor and she could triage… it would limit my exposure and when the critical patients were dealt with then I could help her.

I would have  argued but Harper was helping #Abby out of her clothes and the naked child I was holding started to shiver. I ran to the sick bay and lay her on a cot. #luna was there in second sweeping matted, wet hair from her face and covering her with a sheet. We both frozen…. She could have been #Adria’s twin. #Luna remained frozen as I grabbed the meds and a plastic cup of water.

“Drein daun.” (drink this) I told her softly. “Em na ge fis op.” (It will heal you.) Of course, these people didn’t have an actual word for medicine.

#Abby rushed into the room with a barely conscious woman draped against her side. Then the real work started as the ship started to lift. They must have closed the doors. We're we finally safe?

•— Raven —•

There couldn’t be any emotion in the task at hand. We had a infinitely short space of time to reach the mother ship (That’s what #Miles and #Bellamy had began to call it.)

‘Are you okay?’ #Miles reached a hand out to squeeze my arm. ‘I didn’t mean to drag you away that hard. We—’ Cutting him off with a cold, and well put together look was the only way I would survive this.

“We don’t have time, and I know I wasn’t doing what was needed, you were right to do what you did. There no need to be sorry.” Eyes forward I knew that he was watching me with concern on his face, his next words hit me like a sharp stab in the chest.

‘This coldness doesn’t suit you Raven, you are sweet, and kind. You aren’t whatever it is you are trying to become right now.’

When turning my gaze to him I could see clearly that he believed it. He believes every word. If only I could show him the reason, explain to him that if I didn’t hold myself accountable in this moment, then no one would leave here alive. And right now, I needed to be this person so that I could do the right thing so that as many living beings on this craft remained alive.

Parting my lips to tell him so, however. Before I could say anything to him someone walked in behind us. ‘How long is it going to take us before we can radio them?’ It was #Bellamy.

“We are trying to break the radiation. We only just got off the ground, so can you keep your hair on.” He held his hands up in defence. “Listen it’s always easier to come down then it is to go up.” #Miles jumped in to explain.

‘Gravity is working against us going up, where as it was working with us coming down here.’

‘I know I may look stupid to you, but I know how Gravity works. We have people who are going to die if—’ He started to snap back.

“Bellamy. Shut the hells up and sit your arse down. We are about to hit it hard and fast, and you know what. You have a hand and a mouth. Get o the radio and keep talking until someone talks back.” I was done with all the fighting. I knew we were all under pressure, however snapping wasn’t going to help. And I needed to take some of my own medication here too. 

•— John —•

〄𝓣𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓙𝓾𝓶𝓹

 ╰ 12 ʜᴏᴜʀꜱ ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ

I found #Emori hunched over a toilet bowl she wasn’t bringing anything else up; the bowl with splattered with yellow fluid and chunks. I rolled her away and propped her up against the wall. I  knew she’d gotten her ARS meds like everyone else. But since we got to the larger ship, I was shadowing Abby and Jax… even Lizzie showed me how to dress burns.

‘Nurse Murphy reporting for duty.’ #Emori laughed but it turned to a cough.

I laughed and wiped vomit from her face. “How the hell did they happen right?”

‘I tried to help pass out the meds and water… but the clans wouldn’t take help from a Freikdreina.’ She was almost falling asleep as she was speaking.

Rage  flared inside me for my friend, but exhaustion was taking over so I squashed it. #Lizzie and #Luna came in. ‘There you are… It's time that you all got some rest. #Miles said to put you into the staterooms of the….’ Lizzie swallowed hard. We had learned that most of the guards hadn’t survived the prisoners' coup ‘Anyway…’ she continued, clearing her throat. ‘I hear having a room to yourself will be a treat for you guys.’

We all looked at her like she had just threatened our lives. #Emori gripped my arm as hard as she could, which was not at all hard. It scared me how weak she was. I lifted her from the wall and let her lean against my chest. “We don’t need our own rooms.” I told her. “#Luna, #Emori and I will  stay wherever Raven has been sleeping. #Jasper, #Monty and #Harper will want to stay together too… The rest can make up their own minds.” I tried to help Emori to her feet.

#Lizzie laughed. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen Raven sleep. Okay, we’ll  give you one of the larger rooms to share. And I’ll tell Raven where to find you… but she can decide if she wants her own space.’ I was going to protest that. Emori could hardly stand, I attempted to scoop her up… but the drugs Lizzie had given me for nausea wear wearing off and I was running on empty. #Luna stepped up and swept her into her arms like she was as light as a feather.

I brushed the hair from her face and whispered that she was going to be okay. I knew we couldn’t give the meds for vomiting to everyone, but if hers didn’t stop soon I would steal it if I had to. Then I told Lizzie to lead the way.

‘I thought you had a thing for Raven.’ She teased, glancing over her shoulder at #Luna carrying my friend.

“You have no idea what you're talking about.” I snapped; I knew she was joking. But I didn’t think it was funny. “Those three women are the only reason I’m alive. I watched #Raven almost dies more times than I could count and  #Luna almost gets bled to death in the search for a cure. #Emori is the closest thing to family that I have. We won’t be separated.” It was harsh, but it was true. I wasn’t going to have these people underestimating our bond. It had been driving me insane only hearing snippets of what Raven was doing. Every time she made the re-entry to earth it sent me running to the nearest sink to throw up whatever water was left in my stomach.

When we reached the room, I was stunned, it wasn’t as nice as the mansion, but it was nothing like the Ark. #Luna lay Emori down and whispered to her in Trig as they tucked her in. I sat on the bed and wiped the sweat from her brow. She was asleep in seconds. “Will you stay with her?” I  asked Luna. She agreed and I told her to sleep too. She climbed into the bed next to her.

I asked Lizzie where Raven was, but she hadn’t slept in twenty-four hours and all she wanted to do was sleep… in her own room, she made a point of the last part... So, I told her to go and started to follow the sign for the transport ship dock. On the way, I saw Abby sitting by the bedside for the little girl that looked like Adri. I heaved a sigh… the Doc needed sleep.

“Doc?” I woke her from her half-dozing state. “Doc go, and get some sleep… I’ll stay with her.” She said that everyone was stable for now, but she had untrained eyes watching stats monitors. I told her to sleep, and that I would get her if she was needed. I took the girl's tiny, blistered hand into mine… she looked so like #Adria it was scary. I don’t how long I sat there before I fell asleep with my cheek pressed to the thin padding of the girl's bed. I fell into fitful dreams of seizures, bunkers, walls of fire and sick or dying friends.

•— Raven —•

Wiping the edges of my lips and taking one last glance into the mirror before stepping back out into the hanger. Every part of me hurt, the joints in my hip, my feet, my legs, my arms, my eyes… the list never ending.  And yet it had to be pushed to the back of the list of everything else that we had going on.

‘How long are you going to try and hide from us?’ #Clarke stood with hers crossed, her ankles crossed and with her shoulder leaning into the side of the transporter.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Picking up the tool belt in one movement it was wrapped around my waist.

‘You cannot keep going down. We are done, Rey.’ She didn’t move from where she stood.

“We are not done, until we have every last person on that planet who wants to come up with us here.” Telling her as work begins to repair the hole in the side. We didn’t have time for a full fix, so a patch up job was the plan.

‘Rey, look at the damage to the transporter, another trip and you and those you are trying to save may not make it back this time. You’ve been in that toilet emptying your stomach, you aren’t thinking of the damage you are causing yourself right now. Shaw made it clear, that the last trip you couldn’t find many people who hadn’t died—’ She stopped from saying whatever it was she had planned to say next, because of the look in my eyes.

“Unless you are planning to be there, to look at those who are dead, look into their burnt faces. Do Not tell me what I can and cannot do. You don’t run the show anymore Griffin. We have minds, we have feelings, we all have things we believe in. And for most of us, the first thought isn’t that we need to kill to live.” Okay, I knew it was a low blow. But I wasn’t going to just sit up here safe while people died.

‘Raven, enough.’ #Marcus came out into the hanger. ‘I know emotions are running high, we are all exhausted. But we cannot take it out on each other.’

“I am not taking it out on anyone but myself, but don’t tell me I cannot keep saving people, Marcus. That’s unacceptable to me. Not again. Not now!”

‘It’s done Raven, we cannot keep searching.’ He took a hold of my arm guiding me to the window, pointing out. ‘Look at it Raven. Take a good look, even from here we can see that it’s too late. You did it. You all saved so many lives, you have to hold on to that and stop with this madness. Just Stop.’

Tears filled my eyes because a part of me knew all of this. I knew that I couldn’t keep going back down there, that the moment would come. Here it was.

“I—” My voice caught in my throat.

‘We know Raven, we know.’ He placed a hand on my back. ‘It’s time for you to sleep a little. You will kill yourself if you continue this way.’ I could keep going, I had it in me to keep moving without caring of the aftermath, however this isn’t the time to speak up.

〄 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐉𝐮𝐦𝐩

╰ 2 ʜᴏᴜʀꜱ ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ

The ship had an eerie calm to it. With the number of souls on board you would have expected some unease, some discord, or at least the fighting within the clans. However, there was nothing to be seen or heard. Making my way through the corridors with a hand out reaching to touch the walls I moved slow, with no one watching I didn’t need to pretend that everything was ‘Okay’.

‘Rey, are you okay?’ The voice came from behind.

“Fine, just need find myself somewhere to put my head down.” It was #Indra and one of the clans. “What are you still doing up? Do you know…” I stopped unsure if #Indra knew that #Luna was alive.

‘We are guarding first. We have to keep the clans calm.’ She said and now I understood. ‘Go to the officers deck, you are roomed there.’ not asking how she knew, because who had it in them to question when they could only just keep themselves on their feet?

Leaving them behind and walking across the ships main deck where I saw the corridor towards the med bay. In two minds, I knew people in there were sick, we all were sick. However, I needed to see the young girl. I needed to know that she was okay. Without overly thinking or waiting, pushing myself forward, I came to a stop as soon as the doors to the med bay opened with a hiss.

“I’ll have to come back and fix you.” Speaking to doors and ships had become a thing for me. Shaking off the madness that came with that my feet froze to the ground when I didn’t have to search. I knew where she was for the moment my eyes fell on the sleeping body sat awkwardly in the chair beside the bed.

Contemplating leaving, but then again, I couldn’t leave him there. So, I made my way around to look over the girl, and whisper as I gently shook John. “Hey, Watcher… wake up… you need to go to sleep in a bed. I can sit here with her.” I didn’t even know her name yet. However, I knew I wasn’t going to leave her alone just in case she woke.

•— John —•

Even in my dreams, I was looking for her… even in my nightmares, I was trying to find #Jasper or #Luna. Being chased through the woods, screaming #Emori’s name. In a transport ship full of bodies searching for #Abby. Being tortured in a cage  crying out Raven’s name.

Caring about people had some significant downsides.

But then she was there… appearing through the darkness and for a second there was no pain or sickness, no exhaustion. I rested my hand over hers where she’d shaken me awake and I smiled. “I found you.” A sound like peeling tape snapped me out of it and I cleared my throat. My cheek was stuck to the plastic-coated padding of the hospital cot.

“I mean… I was looking for you but then Abby…. She  uh… needed sleep so I stayed.” I looked from her to the girl and stood up. The earth tilted beneath my feet…. or ship. My vision blurred momentarily. My stomach threatened to eject itself from my body and I braced myself on the side of the  bed. Careful not to touch the child’s blistered arms. “Lizzie wasn’t lying when she said those drugs wouldn’t last.”

Then I turned back to Raven. “What about you? How much exposure did you get? How many trips did you make?” I almost placed  my hand on her forehead to see if she had a fever… but I noticed a thin sheen of sweat coating all my exposed skin…. I was still running a fever; so, I wouldn’t be able to tell if it was her or me. “We should check you for a fever. Do you  have any blisters? Have you thrown up?”

The door made a swooshing noise just before #Jackson came in with two grounders in prison uniforms in-toe. ‘She's just in here, she's responding well, but she’ll need to be monitored here for a few…’ he stopped when he noticed they weren't following him at all. he looked at me… ‘These are the girl’s parents.’

“Oso goufa ste hir.” I said pointing to the girl. (Your child is here.)

#Jackson looked a little shocked... it still happened sometimes when people realised I was actually useful. But the was no malice in Jackson. I explained to them that she would be sick for a few days, but she would be okay. And they need to be careful when they touched her and wash their hands before and after.

"Chit emon tagon?" (What's her name?) I asked them as they stood shakily by their daughter's bed.

'Dela, em tagon Dela.' Her mother answered. (Dela... her name is Dela)

I picked up the chart at the end of her bed, and noted the dots tattooed between her parent's eyes. "Kom Trishanakru?" (Of the Glowing Forest Clan?) I asked.

They nodded and I noted it down. I turned back to Raven... still trying my best not to vomit.

'You both need sleep...' Jackson said. 'You should find one of the officers, they have assigned rooms... the beds are...' He looked impressed. 'And they have showers!' He whispered. 'No offence Murphy but you smell like week-old vomit. And you need to keep those blisters clean.'

"I get it, Doc Lite. Thank you." I took it from his ramblings that he had gotten some rest. But I wanted him to leave so I could talk to Raven.

•— Raven —•

I didn’t have it in my heart to say “nope, I was the one to find you.” Because I wasn’t even certain he wanted me to hear those words, or had they been meant for someone else? Someone he had been dreaming of. That was it. He had been speaking to whomever he had been dreaming of.

Listening to him correcting his slip, followed by the onslaught of questions, of which I had as many to ask of him. I reached out as he grew unstable on his feet, my hands reaching to take a hold and help him back down to the stool.  However, before I could do or say anything,  I had to take a few steps back away as the door opened. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t have it in me to say a word. If I have just stopped to see this girl before I went to find the others, maybe, just maybe she wouldn’t be so ill.  

Whispering her name softly to myself. “Dela Kom Trishanakru” (Dela Of the Glowing Forest Clan) This is a name I never wished to forget. I wasn’t going to allow myself to forget names of all those who were lost to the Primafire.

#Jax helped the parents to go wash their hands and tried to show them how to be close to their child without touching her. Leaving John and me to find our way out. I took a fold of his sleeve and pulled him to the side, whispered to keep my voice low.

“What blisters? How sick have your been? Did you listen to Lizzy and take the meds she had to give to you? John have you been vomiting? How badly are you in pain?”

‘He is really sick, but he will not listen to me ad rest. He had been vomiting a lot, he cannot even stand, and the meds, I got an earful before he took them.’ #Lizzy had shown out of thin air, but I didn’t have time or care how I hadn’t heard her come in.

“John Fucking Murphy! I told you…” Hissing at him. “I told you… if you die, I will bring you back to life and kill you myself.” Without waiting for him to say anything. I took a hold of his hand and dragged him to an empty bed and pushed him towards it. “Lizzy. I want you to do a work up, while Jax is busy. I know you have so much to do… But this one can does not die. Please.” Her green eyes softened unsure why that was. She muttered something I couldn’t make out. Had she said something about #Miles? I wasn’t sure.

‘I don’t need to do a work up Raven, I’ve don’t what I can for now. The meds… he needs to take some more, and he won’t listen to me.’ She walked away retuning with a cup of water and two pills in another cup. ‘See if he will listen to you.’  

My hazel blood shoot eyes glanced at the two cups in my hands and then slowly lifted to him. “Are you going to fight me? Because I swear… I will kick your arse if it means you will take these pills.” 

•— John —•

Something stirred in my chest when her concern for me became clear in her face and her tone. Not because I was surprised by it… even when I tried to make her hate me, she still never wanted any harm to come to me.

“I’m okay, it's just a few  where the seams of my suit started leaking. There aren’t as bad as most.”

But then the nurse dimed me out… “Hey, I took what you said would work…” Raven dragged me towards a bed, and I used the chance to examine her wrists where #Jasper and I had blisters. Also, around our waists and ankles. The was nothing out of place that I could see from my quick glance.

‘Yeah, so you could… what were your words again… Stay standing until it was over?’ She raised her brows as if she’d made a good point.

“What's the difference?” I asked. “I took the meds, and we get the job done.” I turned back to Raven. “I’m not going to die Rey… I was exposed just like everyone else… but nearly as bad because I had the suit. #Abby said we can’t treat everyone for nausea, we need to prioritise the people that aren’t coming down fluids…”

‘Those are for your fever. Everyone is getting treated for fevers.’ #Lizzie chimed in, but I never let my light blue gaze leave Raven’s. “Okay… I’ll take them. But you have to answer my questions and agree to get some sleep.” She looked so tired. I took the first cup from her and tipped the pills into my mouth, then the water to wash them down.

“You need sleep, Stargazer.” I said quietly. ‘We all do… They offered us all a room to ourselves but #Emori, #Luna and I said we would stay together. They are both sleeping already. There’s space for you too… If you want it… I know that we invaded your space on the island…” I chuckled softly; it was a necessity… she needed people with her. I knew she hated that. It made me hate that it had to be me… because when she looked at me now; she saw the person to steal her privacy from her. But she was  alive, and that was worth it.

“But it was home… for a while. With all of us, right?” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “But they won’t blame you if you want your own space now… that… you’re better.”

‘What was wrong with you?’ #Lizzie asked and I knew she thinks about the comment I made earlier… about watching Raven almost die many times.

•— Raven —•

“This is not a democracy when it comes to your healthy John. So, I don’t give a crap about your questions. You and everyone else will take the meds you are told to, and when you are told to. There is it. No debating. No disagreements.”

The moment he took the pills it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I look forward to #Lizzy as she questioned me and took in what John had said too. A small pang and at the same time the realisation that of course #Emori, #Luna, and he would want to bunk together. With #Luna and #Emori’s history with everyone else on this ship. And John.. and #Emori. Something sparked in my chest at the after thought of there being space for me… And the back of my eyes stung as I looked away from him fast to #Lizzy.

“Nah. I’m good. I was always a loner… It’s how I live the best and work the best. You should go. Get some rest.”

Stepping away from him I moved to #Lizzy without looking back at him now that he had his meds, I began to fill her into what had occurred with me and the others on the ground with A.L.I.E. I was done with keeping secrets, done with not telling everyone what needed to be shared. After everything she and

#Miles had done for us; they didn’t have to risk their life to come on the rescue missions and yet they did.

‘Wow. Raven… Wow...’ She had no words because I knew. I knew that it would sound like a fictional story. That it would be hard for something to believe.

“I have some recordings of myself when it comes to needed proof. Someday when I figure out what to do with all the uploaded data. I’ll show you.”

She squeezed my arm. ‘Come on… Let me show you to a room. You can change out of that and into something clean and put your head down.’ She led me out of the med bay. And down the dark corridor.

•— John —•

My mind was reeling… I couldn’t understand why she still cared… and then she said what I knew was coming. What I should have been prepared for and wasn’t. Something caught in my throat, and I dropped my gaze to the floor to hide the sting of  rejection that I had no business feeling in the first place.

If anyone deserved a place of their own it was her, her life had been dictated to her for so long. Why would she choose to be around the person that had taken control of her life?

She was gone before I gather my wits enough to speak with strain. But it was likely a good thing since I had to blink away the burning in my eyes.

I heard her start her story and I slipped out of the room after one last glance at the family huddled over Dela and briefly thought about how ridiculous was to envy someone that was in so much pain. I had been her once. Two parents standing watch by my hospital bed.

What would that version of me think about who I had become?

I was gone before they finished speaking. making my way back to the room was difficult. I hadn’t exactly gone straight from the room to the med bay. I needed time to learn the layout of this ship.

When found the room the door opened  easily. I would have to teach #Emori and #Luna how to use the keypad on the door. I didn’t think anyone on this ship could get the drop on #Lun… but the last night's blood, and a Freikdreina that should have been killed at birth... they were  targets for the other grounders on this ship. I wanted them to sleep easy.

The room smelled faintly of vomit… the bowl on the floor next to Emori was the source. I touched her forehead before I remembered my own fever would make it  impossible to know for sure. ‘You’re back’ she croaked, peeling her eyes open slowly. His lips were dry I picked up the bottle and gave her a small sip of water. ‘I thought you were bringing Raven back?’ her eyes darted around the room.

“She’s taking the soldiers up on the offer of her own room.” I explained and fed her another small sip of water.

‘What did you say to her?’ He bros inched creating a V between them.

“That we had room for her here… I know we haven't fully thought it through… but we could probably drag in another bed—“ Se cut me off.

‘For a smart guy… you’re one hell of an idiot John.’ She laughed but the motion cause her to vomit again. I lifted the bowl and rubbed her shoulder… nothing came up and she flopped back down to the pillows. “You need something for your fever.” I muttered, mostly talking to myself.

‘#Lizzie was already here. she stuck me with a needle.’ #Emori’s eyes were already closing. ‘Said I would throw up the pills.’ She was out like again, breathing steadily. #Luna hadn't stirred but I had no doubt she was fully aware and just in her Zen state. So I made my way into the adjoining room to shower before attempting to sleep.

•— Raven —•

‘Here you go Raven.’ #Lizzy punched in a code on the keypad and then gave it to me. She knew I would change it the moment she was gone. I trusted people now that the others did. However, there was a long of uncertainty here on this ship and I knew #Griff and #Bells would be pissed at me for not doing it.

‘We thought it before you put you guys in the officers’ quarters; with the way you were working to fix things up. Miles said you could to with some space.’

I laughed, not because I found what she said funny. But I could live in a small space just fine.

“Where are all the families from the ground placed?” Asking her.

‘They had been brought to the crew dorms. They wouldn’t trust the rooms; and being away with their people.’

“Clans” correcting her and setting my jacket to the side. My head was pounding and my stomach churning. I had nothing left in my stomach to bring out any more.

‘Sleep. Rest up and we will all start again in the morning.’

#Lizzy left me, as soon as the door slide closed, I changed the access code and looked around taking my hair down, with a rub to my scalp.

This room was nice, it was nothing like my room in Becca’s mansion. But it was safe, there was a bed, a window to look out at starts all around us.

A small couch and a table and chairs to work on. There was a bathroom and that was about it. The dry pots here and there told me, whomever lived her before me loved plants.

Those were gone for over hundreds and something years.

There was a knock on the door. That started me out of my thoughts. Pushing the the keypad I stepped back as the door slide open and I found #Miles stood there smiling.

‘Hey…’

•— John —•

I pulled my non-descript jumpsuit thing back on… We were definitely going to need to find some clothes. But damn…. I got to brush my teeth, it was heavenly. The Mansion had started to make me soft, three days in the suit not able to wash, brush my teeth or so much as squat behind a tree? Showering (When I wasn’t being scalded and scrubbed free of radiation) was incredible.

I stuffed my feet into the flimsy-feeling shoes; I was seriously going to miss the work boots I had  found in Becca’s lab. I was way too tired to shave… but I would have to hope that the shit wouldn’t hit the fan while I slept and I might have a chance to later. I looked over at the girls one last time. #Emori’s vomit bowl was empty.. that  was good. I lay the cold, damp cloth over her sweat-beaded forehead.

I made my way to the door and changed the door code, setting it to lock. I would til the girls the code in the morning. The code spelt out OKTO in its numeric Value. Oso  Kik Thru Ogeda… word that Raven had shared plenty of times. She could guess it if she needed. if she wanted to find us. The only other chair in the room was on wheels so I couldn’t block the door… But I make something to alert us if some  bust in. There was a Steel tumbler on the table, and I gathered up anything I could find that would fit and make a clatter inside the tumbler. Pens, small metal tools I would make sure Raven got later and some weird little glass balls…  twenty-first-century people were weird.

I move the chair against the door and balanced the tumbler just close enough to the edge that it would tip over at the slightest nudge if the door was opened for the outside.

I dropped onto the couch and pulled a weird-looking patterned blanket off the back of it to drape over me. There was nothing left to do now but to try and sleep. I had managed to stave off the anxiety of sleep… but now… there was nothing left to do. It was  time to face my demons… again.

---- END OF CHAPTER -----

[oktorpg]

Aʅƚҽɾɳαƚҽ Uɳιʋҽɾʂҽ Oɾιɠιɳʂ

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

After Jaha took A.L.I.E. off the island, Murphy went his own way with Emori; until she finally can’t take it anymore and insists on finding her brother. Murphy agrees to show her the way to Arkadia. Once they get there it doesn’t take long for them to find out that Otan was killed at the gates. Emori is distraught at the loss of her brother; she leaves but Murphy stays to monopolise on the tension between Skaikru. With Pike in change, Kane’s spy network and Jaha recruiting people to the City of Light, it’s a perfect place for a cockroach to make the most of.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

When he realises that Abby Griffin is chipped and decides to get the hell out of dodge, Jaha’s influence was reaching too high. One last trip to the infirmary to pilfer some supplies - he finds Raven chipped, complete under the A.I. control and bandaged from her forced suicide attempt.

John sedates her with a reaper stick and carries her from Arkadia under heavy fire from A.L.I.E. forces.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

After the City of Light Falls and they learn of the new threat, Primafaya ( death wave ). They all turn to the task of finding a way to survive Priamfaya. Raven, Abby, Jackson, Miller and few guards take Luna to the lab on Becca's island to study her blood after her miraculous recovery from Radiation sickness, with Murphy as their guide.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

Jasper Jordan continues his struggle with post-traumatic stress, self-medicating with moonshines. When he learns of the new threat, he loses all hope and turns to the jobi nut the numb himself, his plight draws in other hopeless souls. Including Harper McItyre and the group form a suicide pact and refuse to leave Arkadia for the safety of the bunker in Polis.

Jasper realises his mistake when confronted with the reality of their plan upon finding a Skaikru boy who overdosed in the jobi tea. He abandons his suicide pact, trying (and failing) to convince the others he was wrong. He does convince Harper, they find Monty and leave Arkadia.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

Emori comes to the island in search of the bunker John told her about, but instead is reunited with her friend (John) who convinces her to stay with them. Shortly after, Marcus makes his way to the island. Prompted by a radio conversation with Abby regarding the human testing, he came to volunteer as a test subject.

[oktorpg]

Betrayal – Phase 5 – Master Storyline for OKTO - Part Two

Continuing on from....

Betrayal – Phase 5 – Master Storyline for OKTOrpg - Part One

〄 ᴘʜᴀꜱᴇ5 ❝ 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗮𝗹 ❞ ╰ ᴀ ᴛᴀʟᴇ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ100 ᴏʜᴀɴᴀ ᴀᴛ: @oktorpg ❝ 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵. ❞ ― 𝙎𝙪

•- Raven -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀʙ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ɴᴀᴛʜᴀɴ ᴍɪʟʟᴇʀ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

Relief spread it’s wings from in my heart, there was no way I could have held on to the doc while #Clarke put her to sleep. It was one of the things I knew my father wished I could do. Follow every order I was given without questioning it. Most of the time, that wasn’t an issue. However, this? I knew it would have eaten at my soul.

“Okay doc, I’m going to let go and walk you to the bunks Rey and Luna set up in the back offices. Unless you want to go down to the staff rooms and find a proper bed there?” Surprised that she gave in to her daughter, because let’s face it they both were like one another.

Letting Abby go I stepped back before nodding my head towards the others. “You know Jax looks like he is about to give out too. Why doesn’t he take the time to sleep too?” I wasn’t sure what more there was for them to do.

‘No, Abby can sleep knowing that I am here looking after the chancellor.’ #Jackson said without missing a beat. He was overdoing it, we could all see it with our eyes.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I watched as the train that was Abby and Clarke’s wills stopped before it needed to crash with the bang between the mother and daughter. There was a fight none of us wanted to stand in the middle of, not today. Not Ever!

Abby did as she promised once #Nate let go of her, she worked Marcus over before taking her leave and I hoped that she really would sleep.

I stood looking around at the lab and at the people, who still remained in shock and some with black blood on their hands. “I think we all need to take a moment, clean up and see what we can do to give Clarke and Jackson some space to do their work.”

Everyone still appeared stunned, but they moved into action slowly even if it was like puppets on string.

‘Is there something you need help with?’ I didn’t realise that somehow, I had walked over to #Monty and his work station.

“Uhmm… I’m not sure.” I told him, leaning over to whisper. “Something the doc said, and I’ve been wondering too…” #Monty’s eyebrows arched. “Where are Rey, Murphy, Luna and Harper? They aren’t here… I’ve searched from top to bottom.” Pointing to his screen. “Can you check that thing? See where they went?”

He looked from me to the screen. Unsure he wanted to do what I was asking.

“Monty, I’m not doing it to be a dick. I just want to know everyone is safe and no one is being killed by anyone who shouldn’t be here on the island.”

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍᴏɴᴛʏ ɢʀᴇᴇɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

My fingers froze over the keyboard. Rey had given me all the access so that I could have helped her when I arrived here at the island. However, this… Now…

“I don’t know—” I started but #Bellamy cut me off.

‘Monty. You know that they are all M.I.A. You know there is no way Rey would leave this place with all that is going on.’ His hands fisted on the workstation. ‘And you know like I do, something went down with Murphy, Jorden and Emori. You like me couldn’t have missed how Rey had some tension. And…’ He glanced over his shoulder at the way #Jasper was shadowing Emori in the lab now. ‘Something changed with her and all three of them.’

I knew it, I knew because I’d seen the change and still, I didn’t want to spy on them.

‘Monty…’ I looked up at him.

“I know. I know. Just give me a minute here.” Staring over my shoulder once again. I told myself it’s not spying if I just want to be sure that my friends were safe and not in any danger. I started tapping the code into the system.

‘That’s it...’ I told #Bellmy not to push his luck. It was a first for me to say it. However, this was going against all that I believed in.

“Wait…” I searched all the open floors of this lab, and they were nowhere to be seen. “Okay, they aren’t here.” I was muttering to myself as I worked.

‘That’s what I told you.’ #Bellamy watched me working over my shoulder. ‘What about the Mansion?’

“Yeah. I’m… signing into the cams there now.” As I did, I pushed back and did a time jump to when we all left and then started working back. “Nope… No one is there at all.” Sitting back in the stool I took a moment to think. “Where… The drones!”

‘Yes!’ He clapped me on my back and even though it hurt, I didn’t stop feeding the codes into the system.

“Okay. When did you last see them?” I asked and started my search from the point where Rey had come over to ask me to look into the issue with the elevators. Finding her wasn’t hard once I knew where to go from there.

‘There… Right there…’ #Bellamy pointed to the screen as the two of us watched Raven, #Luna and #Harper making their way out of the Lab with supplies in hand. ‘What the…’ I knew what he saw.

“John followed them?” I lost them from the lab cameras, and then switched to the drones.

It was hard at first. ‘Where’s the drone going?’ He asked me unhappy.

“They were on their rounds, and with Rey turning them off they would have stayed to the far side of the island. Stop getting mad at them. They are only doing their job.” I snapped back a little defensive.

‘Okay, okay. But now what?’ He made a good point.

I fast forward to the point where the code was put in to let the drones back in to cover the island and then I froze. “Hells!” We both froze watching the screen. “They left? They all left?” I couldn’t believe it. Raven? #Luna, #Harper and John… They had all left the Island with the only boat and our only way back.

‘There’s more to it. I can’t believe Rey and Harper would do that.’ #Bellamy spoke in shock. ‘Turn the drones off. I’m going out there, I need to see for myself.’

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴀᴛ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴏᴄᴛᴀᴠɪᴀ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

“Get down everyone and stay down until we are close to the island.” I screamed across the boats deck. I knew that there was no way that the Azgeda warriors were able to follow us, as they would have witnessed the chesi ( sea monster ) attack on our people. But for these people who were left to cross the sea with me. This was their first time on a boat and in the sea. It was up to me to hide my own fear and to be the leader they needed.

#Luna was still kneeling beside Murphy who still hadn’t awoken, trying to stop the blood from his arm and leg from colouring the wood. And in that moment that my eyes saw his pale lifeless face, I froze there with my breathing ragged.

|(• ꜰʟᴀꜱʜ ʙᴀᴄᴋ •)|

The black rain had started to fall as I hid in the cupboard listening to #Roan and #Echo talking about how they were planning on killing me.

My mind was reeling as the thought occurred… I was back at the point how it all began for me. My world was ending with me hiding in a small space. I disliked being locked up, I reviled being in tight spaces and most of all I despised hiding from anything and anyone. But here I was, curled up into a ball trying to survive until they were gone so that I could attempt to live past the night and the rain.

|(• ɴᴏᴡ •)|

‘Okteivia… Okteivia… Yu kei?’ ( Octavia… Octavia.. You okay? ) a hand jostled me back to the now.

“Ai laik ku , chit ste em?” ( I am fine, what is it? ) I asked my voice still shaking.

‘Oso don drop of kru hir, Oso gaf gon bak op gon emo.’ ( We lost people here, we need to go back for them. ) She said in a low voice, however other heads had already started turning towards me. Their eyes looking to their new leader for answers.

‘Nou ge Branwoda, lanik has seiso emo. et den reshwe raun kom woda.’ ( Don't be foolish, the sea has claimed them. Let then rest in peace in the water. ) #Luna spoke up from where she sat on her knees hunched over.

Voices erupted shouting at her, telling her that they were Trikru and not Floukru. And that land was the resting place their dead would finally lay. One even went as far as screaming ‘Natrona’ ( Traitor ) at her.

I saw Rey shift from behind the cabin, she couldn’t let go of the wheel, but her face told me that she wasn’t going to take it laying down if anyone misspoke here.

“Shof yu op! Ai laik heda kom Wonkru, Ai na nou stand gon Disha!!” ( Silence! I am the leader of One clan, I will not stand for this!! )

They all bowed their heads and fell quiet. And I saw the questions in the eyes of those who had not been on the mainland with the rest of us once the conclave was won.

‘O… Come look.’ #Harper was pointing out towards the land that had come into sight. And as I stepped across the deck to stand beside her, I narrowed my eyes as the sun was setting and yet the sky was the shade of a blood orange.

“Bellamy!”

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴏᴄᴋꜱ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

“Fuck…. FUCK…. FUCK!!!” I kicked the stones on the beach as we came out on to the clearing.

“No… NO… NO!!!” I couldn’t believe my own eyes. Some part of me had hoped that what the drones had shown was wrong, that it was a mistake.

“FUCK!!!” I shouted out walking onto the deck with my hands tugging at my hair.

‘What do we do now?’ #Nate was only a few feet behind me, and by the sound of his voice I could tell he was in as much shock as I was.

“I… Rey… Fuck….” My voice gave out on me now. Why had she done this?

‘You know she didn’t believe in the testing, and she said it was time to give up and leave.’ #Nate was kneeling on the dock now, setting his rifle down beside him with his eyes out at the vast sea before us. ‘There is no other way off this island Blake.. No… other… way.’ His voice broke and then we were silent.

I couldn’t sit or stand still, I turned to face the land behind me. The forest and then my mind went to the lab. All the faces that we would have to go back to. All the faces that would die here on this island. And yet…

‘Blake…’ #Nate whispered. ‘Blake!’ he said it again his tone charged. ‘BELLAMY!’

“WHAT?” I snapped turning my head towards where he sat.

‘Look.’ He pointed out to the water and then I heard it before I fully turned to see it.

“O….” It was the boat, with my sister on it. She was screaming my name. “Am I dreaming?”

‘No… Not unless we are both having the same dream.’ #Nate stood up his face transformed into a big grin.

“Octavia!” The closer the boat got and more I could see of my sister, she had changed in the days I’d been away from her. She… wasn’t the girl I had left behind in Polis.

“Octavia!!!”

|(• ꜰʟᴀꜱʜ ʙᴀᴄᴋ •)|

Big brown eyes glanced out from behind the closet door when I stepped into our unit. She knew to hide and not to come out until I or Mom told her it was all clear and safe. We had to be so careful in case someone looked in as they walked behind us in the corridors.

“It’s all clear, come on out.” I whispered to her, one hand holding the rations I’d picked up on my way back from school. And the other was hiding behind my back.

‘Are you sure?’ her small low voice came out from behind the door.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Come see what I got for you.” I smiled watching her tentatively brushing her long hair out of her eyes. “We need to cut your hair, it’s getting too long again.” I told her, setting the rations down on the table and then sitting down on the floor where she liked to play.

‘What is it?’ She smiled coming to sit before me with her legs crossed. ‘What did you bring?’ She asked with her eyes big with excitement.

“Shhh.” I glanced around to see that mom was fast asleep. “We don’t want to wake mom up before her shift tonight.” Our mom worked the night shift and still had a couple of more hours if we let her.

#Octavia mouthed the word Sorry, and then covered her lips.

I brought out my hand and opened it to reveal a small sponge vanilla cake. “There was a visit at school today, the council wanted to see what we were learning, and they gave all of us this as a treat.” It was unheard of for us to have sugar or treats down here. However, the officers and the council would somehow find little things like this to share when they visited.

‘Bellamy… really?’ her hands fisted up and she sat on them, something she did to stop herself from touching anything she felt was too delicate.

“Really O, I bought it back for you.” Holding my hand out towards her.

‘But it was given to you.’ Her voice was tender and a delicate whisper.

“And I am giving it to you.” Taking one of her hands out from under her, I held it palm up and placed the small cake on it. “Now eat up. Enjoy it.” I smiled.

‘We will share it.” She broke the small cake into three parts. ‘We will save this for mom too.’

|(• ɴᴏᴡ •)|

“Octavia…” I was running to the edge of the dock, wishing the boat to speed up. I could see Rey was the one trying to bring it in, and after a few turns and bangs it was docked. I didn’t miss a heartbeat before I jumped on board engulfing my sister in my arms.

“What are you doing here?”

Her arms were around me for a brief moment before she pulled away.

‘No time to explain right now. We have people hurt and Murphy… He was bitten by the sea monster trying to save me.’

I pulled back surveying the deck, my back stiffened at seeing Trikru warriors slowly starting to stand. “What in the name of the stars?”

‘I’ll explain later.’ #Octavia whispered in my ear. ‘Help now, talk later.’

Rey came out from the cabin, I pointed up to her. “We will talk!” she nodded her head. “Okay, those who can walk, do it, and those who can’t…” I didn’t need to finish that off. Taking the radio out I told those at the lab that we had company and there were people who were hurt.

I glance around again seeing #Luna had stood, trying to lift Murphy, and #Harper was helping others up.

“Nate, here.” We took Murphy from #Luna and lifted him up and out of the boat. “Everyone follows behind Nate and me. Let’s get a move on.”

•- John -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɪꜱʟᴀɴᴅ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʜᴀʀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴄɪɴᴛʏʀᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I walked next to #Octavia. From what I could tell she wasn't injured... at least not from the jump. The rest of the injuries looked a day or more, old. From the conclave, I presumed but they weren't slowing her down at all. All the same, I stayed close. She looked about ready to drop, the blue and purple shadows under her eyes weren't from the conclave... I wondered how long it had been since she’d last slept.

I glanced at #Bellamy, still carrying an unconscious Murphy. He gave me an appreciative nod. #Octavia must have noticed my gaze because she finally spoke. 'When did Murphy turn into the self-sacrificing sort?' She jutted her chin toward him.

"Hmm?" I had to replay the sentence for my overwhelmed mind to process the question. "Oh... um. I don't know…it’s just for Raven, he’s… different." I said without thinking and #Octavia's head tilted like I wasn't speaking English anymore. I cleared my throat. "And #Luna... then there's this other girl that he met in the desert, Emori." There was a lot of history crammed into a short amount of time with John and Emori, but I wasn't going to pry.

'John Murphy has... Friends?' #Octavia spoke slowly like she was trying to mull over each word. 'I did not see that coming.' Now she sounded like the O I knew.

"I guess so... #Luna is more of a big sister really." That made Octavia looked at her brother again. "John has been different lately; he was looking after Raven when she was..." I tried to think of a way to say dying without using that word. "Sick? But when she cured herself it’s like a switch flipped." I shook my head. "It’s been... things have been strange here."

Octavia was silent now... things had been strange since the moment we were marched from our cells on the Sky Box and strapped into that dropship.

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ʜᴇᴀᴅ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

So, this was it. Death was this all-encompassing blackness.

A wide-open void.

A pitch-black, claustrophobic hole, filling slowly with tar the sucked at my limbs and made them too heavy to move.

Only in Hell could both of those things be true. But my inner demon was nowhere to be seen. Even if the other me showed up I wouldn’t see him... the tar glued my eyes shut. It seeped into my ears blocking out all sound - except...

Was that...?

Was that a heartbeat? Could it be mine? Or had my darker half joined me? No.

I tried to will the sound away. It slowed... almost as if it was responding to my will. The tar thickened and surrounded me, squeezing the breath from my lungs with the weight of it.

Breath.

Why would I need to breathe here? I fought the urge to inhale, to let those signs of life just fade away. It would be so much easier. But instinct took over as my lungs started to burn and I sucked in a deep breath. My traitorous chest rising and filling with... air, not tar... or of the blood pulsing through your ears when you covered them tightly, became stronger and more regular.

Then I was cold, lain out in the void again... Would this place make up its mind already? What did it want to be? A yawning black abyss or a deep, sticky pit?

'We need Jackson!'

Who the fuck was talking? And #Jackson, really? This was hell and I was about to get a two-hour lecture on mental health and coping with anxiety. I missed the tar pit already.

•- Raven -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴏᴄᴋꜱ

‘Ste Oso nou mafta emo Ogeda seintaim?’ ( Are we not following them all too? ) #Luna looked towards the people disappearing into the forest, and then back to me.

I hadn’t climbed out the boat while the rest had. However, my eyes hadn’t left any of the injured people. That was all on me.

“I’m going to give the boat a once over first. I want to make sure I’ve not wrecked the only way off this island for everyone by what I just did.” I told her turning to open the hatch and pull out the tools and the repair kits I’d asked #Nate and the others to restock on the boat. It was always best to be prepared.

‘O, ste em nopro gon leda hir?’ ( Or, is it easy to hide here? ) She followed behind reaching in for the heavier tool box to drag it up to the top deck for me.

“Ai nou get in chit Yu sei.” ( I don't know what you mean. ) I told her, turning away I started to check the boat for leaks and damages. My eyes wondering over every inch as I slowly walked.

I knew exactly what she was saying, but didn’t have it in me to face them all.

‘Yu don dula ena, Ai Stisis. Gon Yu emo kik gon gon daun ona.’ ( You did well, little sister. Because of you they live to fight on. ) #Luna jumped down into the hatch to check the boat from below.

“Would the ones who are dead in the sea agree with you?” I called out because I was sure they wouldn’t.

‘Emo don get in chit seyon kom gon daun ste.’ ( They knew what the meaning of the fight is. ) She popped her head up to gab a repair kit before going under again. ‘Dei de's nou ona Yu.’ ( That’s not on you. )

“Will Jo… Murphy agree with you? He wasn’t even meant to be on the boat. And now…” My eyes drifted over my shoulder towards the Island as I got to work on the cracks that I found, pulling arrows out of the side of the boat.

‘Jos edei gon dig au, ste gon as op em.’ ( The only way to find out, is to ask him. )

Why was she always right? “Not happening.” I muttered under my breath.

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀʙ

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴄʟᴀʀᴋᴇ ɢʀɪꜰꜰɪɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

Setting the radio down I swelled and rushed out to the main lab and everyone there. From the looks on their faces and the fact that their eyes were glued to the radio on #Monty’s workstation.

“I take it that everyone here heard that?” They started towards me some nodding and others looking between one another. My eyes fell on Emori and then back to the rest of them. “We need to lock down on everything we don’t want them all to know about just now. Anything that may scare them or have them asking questions we don’t have time to answer.”

‘Clarke…’ #Jasper stepped forward. ‘They know what we came here to do—’

I lifted my finger to my temple and cut him off. “No, they know we came to find a way out of the problem we are all facing. But Roan and I didn’t share that we were looking to make more night bloods.”

Pointing to #Jackson. “Jax, we need to move Marcus into a secure room, and all the formulas and the work needs to be locked away too. We don’t know how many Octavia has brought with her, so we don’t know if we will be able to control them all.”

I wasn’t even sure what #Octavia had been thinking by bringing anyone here like this.

‘Why don’t we just take them down to the housing or medical floor? They are injured, there is a hospital down there, and they don’t need to come here on this floor unless we know it’s safe?’ #Monty was the one to speak up.

“Monty Green! I could kiss you!” his cheeks went red. “New plan. Monty, can you make sure that when they get here, we send the elevator to level ten and level seven.” Seven was where #Becca had set up housing, dining, and laundry. And ten was the medical floor.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇʀɪᴄ ᴊᴀᴄᴋꜱᴏɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I stood before the elevator looking at the numbers as they moved down toward level ten. #Clarke had made it clear that we should take caution, and I had to agree with her on this one. We couldn’t risk them seeing Marcus as he lay with black blood blisters. To these people Black blood was sacred, and for them to see another whom they all knew to have red blood to now have black. That wasn’t going to go down well.

The doors pushed open dragging me out of my thoughts and I could see the confusion on the faces of #Bellamy, #Nate and #Harper. I smiled finding #Octaiva’s eyes on me.

“Hey, I have the hospital wing set up and ready to go.” My eyes fell on John in #Bellamy’s arms. “Murphy? Bring him, anyone want to tell me what in hells happened?”

They didn’t question me, they all followed as they spoke. #Harper and #Octavia filled me in.

‘I need to get back up top, some of Trikru didn’t trust the elevator and wouldn’t come down so Monty is helping them. I should take them some water and a medical kit.’ #Bellamy said just as #Clarke came into the room.

'They are Wonkru.' #Octavia corrected him, and they exchanged a look.

#Clarke cleared her throat. Something was amiss here. ‘I’ll come up with you if you have all this in hand Jax?’ She asked, I knew it would give her time to tell Bellamy what was going on, so I nodded.

As I cut off John’s shirt and his pants. The door burst open again and this time it was #Luna and Rey stood with their eyes darting around until they saw John.

‘Can we do anything to help?’ Rey asked and I pointed to the people who needed attention.

“Help them clean up so that I can take a look at them, I’ve got Murphy.” They both stood looking at him before they did as I asked.

“Of all the places John Murphy, the Sea Monster is not going to be the one to take you.” He had two deep bites, and a number of bruises.

“These ribs are going to hurt like hells.” I muttered connecting the I.V in his arm.

He’d lost a lot of blood. Giving him some morphine, I started on the sutures to stop the bleeding.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

As he walked by #Bellamy curled a couple of his fingers around mine and squeezed, pulling me towards the side and out of the others ear shot.

‘You know how dangerous that was Rey?’ He wasn’t waiting for an answer. ‘What has gotten into you since that brain thing.’ He tapped the side of my head. ‘You of all people here, you are the one who tells me to slow the hells down and think. But you are the one this time who just ran.’ He closed his eyes tightly.

What was there for me to say? I knew it when we left, but I needed this. I needed to go and get #Octavia.

‘I want to scream and shout at you… But… Thank you.’ I froze in the spot I stood. Looking up into his red rimmed dark brown eyes. This I wasn’t expecting. ‘Thank you for going to bring O home.’ Home… He too had started to call the Island Home. It had been the first real place we all had started to feel safe.

“Don’t thank me yet, you do realise that we now have a troop of Ice Nation waiting for us when we go back. It’s not like we can touch base down the beach or on another beach. The rover is there if they haven’t found it and ripped it apart yet.”

‘I know, O told me what happened. But one thing at a time.’ He squeezed my fingers again before letting go and following #Clarke out of the lab.

“Hells.” Had I done the right thing? As my tired eyes wondered over the lab, witnessing the aftermath of what had been done. Seeing John’s wet clothes disregarded on the ground. Guilt took a strong hold of me.

‘Rey? If you are helping, get over here.’ #Jax called out pointing to a tray on the side. He asked me to help, but mostly I could tell he was trying to keep me close.

“Let me guess, Bells said not to let me out of your sight?” I asked. My hazel eyes taking in each suture that had been placed into his already scar filled skin. “This is on me.” I whispered.

•- John -•

Several Hours Later

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

The information that I had pieced together... it was impossible to comprehend. I had seen there was more to the guy that I thought I knew; the moment his friend Emori had shown up on the drone camera. How he had shouted to shut down the firing drones and bolted to the beach. I'd watched him look after Rey even when she physically drove him away. I'd seen the influence that #Luna had on him.

But John Murphy... slicing open his own arm? To save my sister? That hardly seemed possible. Of course, it could have been #Luna... but the result was the same either way. I peeled away the tape and wad of cotton from the crook of my elbow. The fact that my blood was now running through his veins was almost as unbelievable as what he had done. Well, Nate's too... who was currently sleeping off his donation on the office couch.

I spotted Raven hovering near the room that he was in now and I remembered overhearing her telling #Jackson that it was her fault. It was hardly her fault that he'd cut himself too deeply. Or that that thing got its teeth into him.

"Go in, Rey." I squeezed her shoulder. "Jackson has him on serious pain meds... he won't wake up for hours." I stepped away to go and find my sister... I still needed to see her to believe that it was true... she had single-handedly won a war and now she was here.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

My head was spinning... no... Not my head... the room was spinning. Red flooded my vision through closed lids; if the light was this bright with my eyes closed there was no way I was opening them. My fingers clenched on whatever I was lying on... I knew this. The thin layer of padding beneath me. I had leaned over this bed numerous times, trying to keep Raven's fevers down. Trying to pull her out of those crazy dreams that made her heart rate spike.

The last memory of her that I had was her driving the boat and then blackness. Where was she now? Was she back? Azgeda arrows had been flying... my eyes flew open at that. The light burned and my head felt too heavy as I tried to sit up.

"Where is she?" I asked... my voice sounded like I'd drunk a few too many jars of #Jasper's best. My tongue stuck to the roof of my dry mouth.

"Where..." I lifted my hand to shield out the light.

I could hardly think straight, my mind was foggy, and I felt myself falling back against the biobed.

What had I been thinking? Diving into the ocean... make-believing that I was some kind of hero? I couldn't even pull off being just the good guy... now here I was. I couldn't manage to stay upright. I couldn't find her... how had I ever been stupid enough to think that I could keep her safe?

Hai Skaiskat... Foolish at reflection and believed he could be more than what he saw there. The kind that thought they could be more, but life didn’t work that way… People didn’t change. I couldn’t change.

•- Raven -•

I kept my distance from the room they were keeping John in, I was the last person who could help, and I was sure I’d also be the last person he’d want to see right now. Every hour that passed had been grinding on me. One by one all the people who had been injured had been taken care of. They were a couple still laying in the biobeds, but we had situated the others who trusted us and #Octavia enough to use the elevators up to level eight. It was a floor dedicated to housing. Becca had planned for the end of the world in the right way.

“Here let me help you up.” I reached to help the man turn on the biobed without pulling at his I.V. while he moved. From time to time I took a hidden look over my shoulder towards #Jax, #Luna and John’s sleeping body.

Bellamy squeezed my shoulder as he walked by, making me freeze.

‘Go in, Rey.’ he squeezed my shoulder. ‘Jackson has him on serious pain meds... he won't wake up for hours.’ He said.

“I’m the last person he will want to see when he wakes up Bells.” I told him.

His eyes followed mine back again before he left me there.

‘Em ste a yuj Won.’ ( He is a strong one. ) The man in front of me said, looking towards John.

“Yu ste ait, ba nou tel em.” ( You are right, but don’t tell him. ) I half smiled turning to walk towards John and the others.

Shouts came out of the room, and I pushed myself forwards to see what was happening. #Jax was trying to calm John, #Luna was holding him to the bed as he called out.

‘Who is he calling for?’ #Jax asked, before he gave John something to help. #Luna’s dark brown eyes found my hazel ones.

There was only one person he would have called out for, and I should have foreseen it. Taking out the radio from the pocket in my pants I pushed the button. Speaking as my eyes were glued on him and then #Luna.

“Emori? John is awake and he is asking for you. Come on down to level ten.”

I slowly stepped backwards out of the room and then out of the medical bay.

•- John -•

A hand slipped into mine and I squeezed it... or at least I tried to... but pain lanced up my arm. The light was too bright to look for the face of the person that had taken it. I knew it was #Jackson's hands that had been on my shoulders; because of the words he was saying to get me to stay still. I turned my head to see, but the motion made me dizzy. I clenched my hands, one in the sheets and one that was held by another, as the room spun. But the action made me whimper at the pain in my arm again... it was pathetic, but whimper was the only word to describe it. But… I did glimpse the hand that held mine.

The skin tone was only slightly darker than mine, #Luna I realize just as I heard Raven call out for Emori. I couldn't blame her for thinking that was who I was looking for; not with how I'd been treating her lately. 'Ste hoden, Jon. Yu ste laksen.' (Be still, Jon. You're hurt.) #Luna's voice was soft. But Raven was here... and sounded unharmed.

'He needs more pain meds.' The vague shape of #Jackson started to come into focus. I grabbed his wrist with my good arm and forced myself to look in his direction, even though it made the room spin violently again. "No... Please." A hint of desperation in my voice. "No more... I can't... I need my head clear. Please?" I hated it... the foggy confusion.

I felt more than saw #Luna and #Jackson exchange a look. A huff from Doc Lite told me the Zen Master had won. My eyes fixed on #Luna's dark brown eyes and though I thought of this woman like family; I wished they were those warm hazel tones I was far too fond of. "Is she okay?" I asked, forgetting the #Jackson was in earshot.

'Em's kilr. Em nou ged led op. En don ge ona floudon gon kik thru.' (She's safe. She wasn't hurt. Everyone that made it to the boat is going to survive.)

I sighed with relief... though it was only for the news of Raven.

'Ai na ge em.' (I'll go get her.) She continued and loosened her grip. I squeezed her hand. Stopping her.

"She doesn't want to see me." I replied in English I was too tired to try and translate my words.

'Jon...' she started again, and I cut her off.

"Please #Luna... don't..." I didn't know what to say to make her let Raven walk away. Even now... drugged and in pain; I knew it was the right thing to do for her. "Don't leave me alone... The last time I was in a bed like this they told me I was dying."

She brushed a sweat-slick clump of hair off my forehead. 'You saved my life, John Murphy... I'm not going anywhere.' The resignation in her voice was enough to convince me that; unless Raven approached of her own free will, she wouldn't step in. At least for now.

•- Raven -•

I stood aggressively pushing the button for the elevator for the third time. “Why is it taking so long!” half growling as I hit it once again, however this time it felt more like a slam.

‘Hells Rey, what did the button do to upset you?’ #Harper came to stand beside me.

“Nothing, I guess.” I said unintelligibly. I couldn’t understand the anger that had started to bubble up inside of me.

Only once I was sure I was in control, did I dared to look away from the display above the elevator, seeing the two large bags set beside her. Noticing the glance #Harper volunteered to answer my unasked question. ‘Jax needed help with the clean-up in there.’ Pointing back over her shoulder. ‘It’s a biohazard to have all the soiled materials around here.’

“Do you need some help with it?” I asked, why hadn’t I thought to ask or just helped to clean up? I was the reason for this mess at the end of the day.

‘No, I can take care of it. I will take it up topside and set fire to them.’ She shifted glancing over her shoulder again. ‘I’m surprised you aren’t in there. Especially…’ She altered her stand again.

“Especially what?” I turned to face her and then to the doors down the hall.

‘Well… John just refused pain meds.’ As she spoke, I could see in her eyes the uncertainty. She wasn’t sure if she should be sharing this information.

“He What?” My voice didn’t rise, but there was an edge on it. The doors to the elevators opened in that moment.

‘Are you coming?’ by the time I realised #Harper was talking to me; she had picked the bags up and stepped inside. ‘Rey?’

“No, you go…” I had turned and started down the hall once again until my hand was outstretched, and I had pushed my way back into the medical bay.

I stood by the doors, unsure if I had the right to do or say anything here. But then I remembered how he was with me when I needed someone to speak some sense into me. My eyes had been gliding over the room until I saw what it was I had been in search for.

‘Rey?’ #Jackson placed a hand on my arm as I reached for a reaper stick. ‘What are you doing?’ his gaze moved from my hand to my eyes. He’d seen something in them I was sure that said. Don’t get in my way.

I asked what had been happening in the short time I had left, I asked why he wasn’t giving John the medication he needed, I growled how John was the last person a doctor should be listening to. At which point #Jackson reminded me how John had been the one to stop him when he wanted to drug me.

“Jax… Either you hand me the meds John Murphy needs, or you come and administer it yourself. But one thing is going to happen… Murphy will stop hurting.” With that said, I marched across the room, passed all the eyes watching me not caring what they all thought about the Skai gada ( Sky girl ).

#Luna’s gaze had been following me ever since I had returned. She didn’t miss a thing ( #Luna never did. ) She didn’t say a word to me as I came to stand beside the biobed.

Leaning over the broken body of John Murphy, the pang of guilt hadn't left me, but now seeing how injured he was, it intensified. My hazel eyes were burning with anger at how he wasn’t doing what was needed for himself.

I made sure his baby blue eyes, filled with pain were on me when I held the reaper stick up.

“Listen to me Murphy… And listen well… You have two choices here… One… I hit you hard with this…” Tapping the reaper to his chest. “or Two, you allow Jax to give you the meds you need, to stop the pain I know you are feeling. There is no point being a martyr here, you are hurting, and you need something to help you. You never let me get away with this crap… And I don’t care how much you hate me… I’m not letting you do this… Just add some more hate on what you think of me as it is. But…” I pulled the cap off the reaper stick. “You make the choice before I finish this count… Five… Four…. Three…”

Telling myself that by the time I hit two, I would inject him with it.

•- Marcus -•

|(• ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴋᴀɴᴇ’s ᴍɪɴᴅ •)|

I lost track of time. It wasn’t hard to do while surrounded by walls; or in this spectral form to say the least. #Aurora left me after our walk at the beach. And I wasn’t sure if this was part of a dream or if I would ever see her again. However, she left something for me:

“She deserves to hear the truth from you and not from Bellamy.”

Those words didn’t leave my mind and because of it I couldn’t find in me to think straight, so I went after her the moment I notice she was on the Island, only to find her on level 10. And I would probably recognised that dark haired pulled up in a ponytail anywhere. I was well aware that #Octavia couldn’t see me, but still I know the corner of my lips curved up at the sight of her well and alive. #Bellamy was just a few steps away, watching her in silence as #Octavia examined the bandage on her thigh.

I stood there as she questioned her brother about the others; only to notice the look on his face and the exchange of look between them. It took a moment before #Octivia could stand away enough from the grounders and then. #Bellamy told her everything.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴏᴄᴛᴀᴠɪᴀ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I had grown used to the pain, but today it felt as if my body was shattered. However, I didn’t let it show. Not to the grounders or my brother. This was the reason I took to my feet the moment the bandage was on, even though my upper back was sore; and so were my arms.

The tiredness was soon replaced by concern as #Bellamy updated me about what happened in the past few days. And for a moment I tried not to think too long on what that meant. I had people trusting me, following me to this island and now . . .

“How long do we have?”, I whispered so only he could hear, but the look in his face told me all I needed to know. We were running short of time, but this shouldn’t be discussed so close to the grounders.

•- John -•

I laughed softly when #Luna filled me in on what had happened when I was out cold. But the laugh faded quickly into a weak cough. “I always knew that bastard #Miller wanted to get inside me… Not shocked he found a way to do it.” But #Luna wasn’t looking at me, that was probably the funniest thing I ever said, and she wasn’t paying attention. Then I heard hervoice coming closer.

For a woman who spent her whole life saving others, she had no idea what was good for her… walking away from me being the top of that list right now. A lump swelled in my throat the minute her eyes found mine. What I saw there made me instantly feel… guilty.

But, why?

Then her words hit me. She knew I refused meds… and that’s what brought her back. She was worried for me… No. It was worse than that. She was afraid for me. Hence, the guilt. My pain caused her pain, and I knew then that I had let this get out of control; I should have stopped this a long time ago. I was already dragging her down with me.

I swallowed the lump choking off my words and lifted my uninjured hand, wrapping it around her wrist. I would stop this… I would… but right now, all I wanted was for the fear and anger in her eyes to go away. With my gaze still on her, I cut off her countdown.

“Luna?” I cleared the hoarseness from my voice. “Will you go get Jackson, please?” I felt her slip away.

My hand moved up over Raven’s and I peeled her fingers gently from around the reaper stick; letting it fall to the bed. “Okay,” I whispered to Raven now. “It’s okay, you don’t have to.” She would never forgive herself if she drugged me… even with an advanced warning.

Jackson was at the side of the bed so fast that I knew he must have been following Raven here. ‘Are you sure you want this, John?’ He asked. I nodded, not looking away from Raven.

I could do this for her, one last thing before I finished this. Just this; to make her fears go away. I would slip back into the tar and the fog for her. Hell, it was better than the feeling it gave me for having put that fear in her eyes. I waited until I could feel the cool rush of the drug spreading out from my I.V. I could instantly breathe easier. I lifted my hand from hers and clumsily laid it on her cheek.

“I could never hate you, Stargazer.” The drugs made my eyes heavy, and I fought to keep them on her. “Not ever… Remember that.” Then there were murmurs, and I couldn’t tell if they were coming from me or not. The world became hazy, soft, and quiet. There was no tar… no dark. I knew Raven was still there… I knew #Luna was hovering nearby giving us space, I knew when Jackson was gone… even though nothing was really in focus. But I felt it all.

•- Raven -•

“Sleep for now Watcher, it’s going to be okay when you wake.”

I observed as his blue bruised eyes started to drift, I listened closely to the mutterings he voiced as he started to let go. And I froze the second his hand touched my face. His action and those words, I had nothing to say in the moment, as I was taken aback by what he had let go of.

‘Jon na na ku , he gaf in hosh daun.’ ( Jon will be fine, he needs to sleep. ) #Luna placed a hand on my shoulder as #Jackson removed the reaper stick and left us alone.

“If you know he needed to sleep, why did you not make him take his meds?” I didn’t have it in me to translate my words into trig.

‘Yu don Ai shov of Yu gon dula'm op? chomouda would Ai gon em?’ ( Have I pushed you to do it? why would I for him? ) I knew, I knew she wouldn’t made us do anything we didn’t want to. but still.

“Luna, this is all on me…” I was so tired, my body was fighting me, and I didn’t have it in me to keep fighting back. And yet I hadn’t let any part of it show.

‘Ai get in.’ ( I know. ) She whispered into my ear. ‘Ba Jon ste raun nod of nau.’ ( But Jon is asleep now. )

I pushed myself to stand up straighter, my eyes wouldn’t pull away from him. Had he stood watching me like this when I was out for the count? Had he felt as useless as I felt? “What did he mean? Before by what he said?” I was sure #Luna had heard it too.

‘I could never hate you, Stargazer. Not ever… Remember that.’

The words didn’t ring true to the actions he had taken. But she didn’t answer me, letting go of me she stepped away. Only when I hear the legs of the chairs being dragged closer to the bed did I understand where #Luna had gone.

We both sand down beside John Murphy’s bed. Unsure how much time had passed when the radio crackled to life. ‘Rey? Where are you?’ #Monty’s voice came in a rush.

I didn’t move, but #Luna did pick the radio up from the side and hand it to me. “Level 10, what’s up.”

‘Can you come up to three please? I need to show you something.’ I closed my eyes, tapping the edge of the thing against my forehead.

‘Go, I’m here. He has been a sleep for a few hours, and he hasn’t stirred at all.’ I knew she was right.

“I know, but he didn’t leave my side. Even if it was to make sure I didn’t wake up and climb out of bed. I hit the button on the side of the radio. “Monty, come on down to ten, I’m not moving from here.” #Luna squeezed my arm, so I added. “There is a workstation down here if you can’t show me on a tablet.”

There was silence for a moment. ‘Rey, I really think you need to come up here.’ When I didn’t reply for a few minutes, he added. ‘Please Rey.’

•- Marcus -•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』⠀

Not so long ago, #Octavia and I had the chance to talk alone, which allowed us to catch up. She wanted to know what was happening, so I told her. I told #O about the serum tests, Abby’s mental breakdown, Marcus current state…

I told her everything, except who her father was. There was this one thing Marcus asked before volunteering to be the Guinea Pig- the least I could do was respect his wishes for now. Besides I didn't know how she would take it, especially now that he might never come back to conscience.

Even without that piece of truth, my little sister seemed worried, devastated in her own way that we still haven't figure it out how to help us all. However, she masked well. She had grown tougher and that was good. As long as #Octavia could keep the grounders under control we were good. Still, as she walked out of the room to camp outdoors with them, I find myself alone. At this point, her story of what happen in Polis would play as a loop inside my head until it becomes too much of a noise, more than thoughts, almost vivid . . . Then, I slam my hand on the counter.

'Fuck', I mutter running the fingers over my hair. How could #Jaha do this to 𝘂𝘀?

The man betrayed us all, even when we were doing all to save them. He didn't care if we would make the serum work or if we would end up returning to Polis. He sentenced us all to die when he locked himself and the remaining members of the Skaikru, ignoring the conclave decision. In that moment, I felt rage taking over me; there is this thought, which is so dark and deep that I should be ashamed of having it. I wish #Jaha dies inside that bunker because if he doesn't and we all survive, I will kill him myself!

•- John -•

I knew that she was there. It was the strangest sort of sleep... if it was even sleeping at all. Things were happening around me… I heard low voices, they sounded like #Jackson treating the other patient’s, but I couldn’t make out any particular words. There were no dreams, no running through the forest with countless pursuers, no inner demon to torment me. Just soft light playing against closed eyelids and the weirdly comfortable floating sensation.

I thought about the words I had said to Raven... It was wrong, it was leaving a door open that I should have locked and bolted. Would she just think it was the drugs? I lingered between hoping that she would and praying that she wouldn't... but even that didn't cause me pain right now. Whatever Doc Lite had given me was good!

Her words I could make out though. Was that because she was closer to me? Or was it just because she was Raven, and I was... well... what was I? The thought of her leaving my side… I knew that she had to… she was too important to the group to play nursemaid. But I also knew it was her presence that kept my demons away… I didn’t know how I’d never realised this before now.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴏᴄᴛᴀᴠɪᴀ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

"We need to do something, #Bellamy... The tribes have already selected their survivors. They are going to hunt down what is left of Skaikru if we can’t get that door open."

My brother just dragged his hand through his hair. 'I know O... I know we need to make a plan... If the treatment...” His eyes darted around the room, he was careful not to mention Night Blood. "We would only need a place to ride out the deathwave and the fires."

I had seen the state that Kane was in... even if his blisters did heal and he eventually woke up... what good would it be? If we all got that sick... how many of us would realistically survive? "The bunker is the only option." I pressed the point home. "Wonkru is the only option. Without the bunker, it will shatter. I promised these people salvation Bell... you have to help me keep that promise."

I looked around the room. "Where is Rey? I bet that she can open the door?"

#Bellamy looked down at the table he had slammed his fist against. 'I'm not so sure we can pull Raven away yet... Not until we know Murphy will be okay.'

"Murphy?" I muttered and followed Bell's gaze to where she sat with #Luna; her radio raised to her mouth. "What's going on there?" I asked with a raised brow.

'Nothing like that... They're just...' He shrugged. 'Different with each other.' It was hard to comprehend, but then again, he had almost taken bullets for Rey when he escaped from Arkadia with her.

But I stepped around my brother and headed over to her, I heard #Monty over the radio. But this couldn't wait. "Rey, we need your help." I stopped at the foot of John's bed.

•- Raven -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴛᴇɴ

‘Yu gyon au, Ai na na ait hir.’ ( You go, I will be right here. ) #Luna whispered into my ear. She had stepped around to be closer when she heard the way #Monty asked me to meet him. It was hard to say no to that boy on the best of days, let alone when he sounded as he did.

“Luna—” I was cut off by the sound of footsteps and then #Octaiva stood by the foot of John’s bed. Her hair pulled up in a slick ponytail now, she was in dry clothes from the lab, and yet she still stood out. The eyes of the grounders were burrowing into the back of my skull, as they watched their new leader ask me for help.

“O… Can it wait?” I asked her, with #Monty calling for help, John knocked out, Luna in a lab full of grounders who looked at her with distain. It was getting difficult for me to divide my attention.

‘Raven, you know if it could wait. I wouldn’t be here…’ Her eyes moved to John and then back to me. ‘Asking you to leave him like this. It’s not my first choice, but you are my only option.’

#Luna squeezed my arm, once again whispering how she would call me back if I was needed. And I had to trust her. I knew #Luna of all people would deal with whatever came to light. However, still I stepped up to #Octavia and whispered into her ear. “Your grounders best not have any plans to harm Luna. We are all still alive thanks to this woman.”

When I pulled away and our eyes met, #Octavia squeezed my arm now too. ‘I promise.’ She nodded to someone behind me.

〄 〄 〄 〄

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

“You want me to what?” My eyes all but popped out of their sockets as I paced back and forth in the Level three office I’d turned into my testing and creating lab, while I was working on the suit for my final spacewalk. “I mean I can’t see why I couldn’t do it. But with the data gone from here.” I tapped on the side of my head. “It’s going to be slower than we need.”

Everyone had been filled in on the shit show that took place in Polis, everything #Octavia had been through with the conclave, and then on top of it all #Jaha and our people had taken over the bunker and closed the doors. It really shouldn’t have been a shock to any of us, that the man hadn’t once thought about us here on the island, working on a resolution, and save lives.

‘But it’s possible right?’ #Clarke and #Octaiva both said at the same time.

I rubbed my face, #Monty was hovering to my side, and I knew that it was time.

“Sure, it could be done. But we have a bigger problem then that here and now.” I leant over the desk, tapping the keyboard I brought the screens to life for everyone to see.

‘What are we looking at here?’ #Bellamy asked.

“This is the data the drones have been gathering for me. When we first arrived, I reconfigured them to gather information on the atmosphere, temperature changes as well as any data on the acid levels in the rain that’s falling.” I had lost them, or they weren’t sure why this was more important than the bunker.

I pointed to the spikes in the charts before them all. “The timeline has escalated dramatically since the first run down I shared with you all.” The blank looks had me rubbing my face. “Guys we don’t have the time we first thought we did. At these levels.” I was pointing at the data from today #Monty had alerted me to. “We will be lucky if we made it back to Polis at this rate, let alone work out how I can get those doors reopened, and that’s if there isn’t a blood bath from the grounders finding out what the hells has been going on!”

And just like that I saw in their reactions, that the light had turned on.

‘Fuck!’ It was a whisper from #Bellmay’s lips.

•- John -•

#Octavia... That was her voice clear as a bell. She survived, I knew #Luna had gotten her to the boat, but after that everything was a blur.

Rey was being pulled in so many directions. But the haze of drugs and blood loss meant i wasn't able to protect her from it.

Not that she would ever allow such a thing.

But there it was that thing that made me fall so far for her. Even now she was protecting the people she loved. Maybe it wasn't me she stayed for... as much as that made me ache; I knew it was for the best. She stayed for #Luna... worried that her past as a deserter from her conclave might turn the grounders against her.

Selfless. That is what Raven is. Was it possible to not love her once you know the truth of her? Even for the black-hearted, like, it seemed not.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍᴏɴᴛʏ ɢʀᴇᴇɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

The conversation I was listening to was blowing my mind. There was too much information laid out on the table. #Jaha... How? Why? And even worse... who was in there with him? How many of our people agreed to this? Our sole purpose all ourselves was to preserve the human race... not pick and choose who gets to live and die.

All eyes were on the Raven I momentarily felt pity for her... so much weight lay on her shoulders. But only a moment because this was Raven Reyes... and she didn't need or want anyone's people.

"Okay... I know that need to get into the bunker. But we need to know what the hell is happening with radiation levels before we can make a plan about opening any doors. We need detailed imaging. We might not even make it to Polis if we left yesterday."

At least Raven was agreeing with me on this. I pulled up a map of the island and held it out for her to see. "Becca stiletto tower here... If there are any left in orbit that are functional, we can turn them and get real data... real predictions of the Death Wave and the weather patterns feeding it."

•- Raven -•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴄʟᴀʀᴋᴇ ɢʀɪꜰꜰɪɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

If we needed to talk about how shit could hit the fan, Now was the time. #Octavia had told us about the mess #Jaha had made back in Polis, after #Bellamy and I had left to bring the fuel here to the island. Even if I should have guessed things weren’t going to plan when we had been attacked on the way here. However, there was a part of Rey that had washed off on me since being here on the island. That girl saw the good in everyone, even those who didn’t deserve to have her on their side.

There was something going on here on the island too, I wasn’t sure exactly what right now, but the vibes between the others had been off. My mom needed my help, and I wasn’t leaving her side. Not when the man she was in love with was still lying on a bio bed in coma. So, it was up to the rest of the team to pick up and run with whatever the next plan would be.

“With the information Rey and #Monty have given us, we need to think fast on our feet. What options do we have? If we try to make it back to Polis, if Rey is able to get those doors open, if the grounders don’t think we all betrayed them. Then maybe we have a forty percent chance—”

‘More like nine percent chance.’ Rey had cut me off.

“Okay… NINE percent chance of coming out of this alive?”

‘We’ve won on less before.’ She stood bent over her workstation as she spoke with #Monty pointing to the screen before her.

“What are you both looking for now?” I asked clicking my tongue at them. “We need your full attention guys.” I was frowning at them.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I rolled my eyes at Griffin and her comment. “When have you known me not to pay attention? I can do multiple tasks all at the same time you know.”

‘I swear Rey if you tell me about how you are the youngest Zero-G mechanic again.’ #Clarke was frowning; however, I knew there was no malice in her voice.

“It’s a true fact, but no that’s not what Green and I were talking about.” I tapped the keys on the board and pushed the imaged to the big screens on the wall.

‘What are we looking for?’ #Bellamy and #Jasper stepped up towards the screen while #Monty highlighted the area on the image that couldn’t be seen if you didn’t know what you were looking for.

“There is something coming closer, and orbiting in Earth’s atmosphere.” I held my hand up. “Before you ask me what it is, or what it could be. This is the best image we have been able to find.”

‘So, how do we find out more?’ #Jasper asked.

‘Really, come on guys. We have bigger issues here.’ #Clarke threw her hands up into the air.

I replied to #Clarke first. “Like I said, multitasking here.” And then to #Jasper. “We are working on it.”

‘I think the Radio masts and the satellite tower at the far end of the island is facing wrong or is out of sync. The more we are trying to clear the image, the grainier it is getting.’ #Monty was right, and I nodded my head.

“Listen, Griff is right, we need to work out what to do next. So, leave the tower to me, and you all work on Plan…. Well whatever number we are on.” I pushed back from the workstation and got to my feet. “If you need me, I’ll be on the radio.”

#Octaiva didn’t look so happy about it, but she understood that we had to divide and conquer.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʟᴜɴᴀ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴛᴇɴ

“Taim jos emo ai op chit Ai Ai op.” ( If only they could see what I see. ) I sat with my legs crossed under me beside John Murphy’s bed. The words were like a never-ending loop in my mind, even when I was trying to clear my thoughts and to meditate.

“Ai na nou hon daun emo der, emo souda ai op em gon mowas.” ( I cannot take them there; they must see it for themselves. ) And with that I let out a deep sigh. I wasn’t going to be able to continue, and the sounds of footsteps coming up from behind had me up and whirling around to face the person.

‘Krei, Disha weron Oso fig au bos haiplana kom Floukru, kom Disha Skaikru chon dula op nou set klinhir!’ ( So, this is where we find the great queen of Floukru, with these sky people, who do not belong here! )

He was one of the Trikru ( woods clansmen ), tall stature, scars covering his face like those that were covering my body too. He had been through years of fighting, and I was sure that he would know where each one came from.

“Bak op gon bilaik bag.” ( Go back to your bed ), I told him with a steady voice. “Ai nou gaf in gon gon daun Yu.” ( I do not want to fight you. ) However, the curl of his lip told me that he didn’t really know what I was capable of.

‘Ena, Ai gaf in gon gon daun kom Yu. Yu gaf gon wan op. Ogeda kru heda ste audahir.’ ( Well, I want to fight with you. You need to die. All the clans leaders are gone. )

The way he spat the word heda ( leader ) out, I could tell he wanted to spit in my face.

‘Yu dula op nou gran in gon kik!’ ( You do not deserve to live! ) He took another step forward, and this time as he turned his body into me, I could see a scalpel in his hand.

I stepped back on my heel, reaching out to grab a hold of his hand I twisted it up and back with a sharp tug to his elbow joint. The sound of his grunting told me that I had dislocated the bone, and as much as I didn’t want to cause him harm, he was the one who pushed me into it. I flipped his tall, lean body back and then forward until he was flying over my bent body, and he hit the ground with a deep crashing thud.

“Ai don biyo, Ai nou gaf in gon gon daun!” ( I said, I do not want to fight! ) I told him with an even tone.

‘Natrona!’ ( Traitor! ) he grunted, holding his arm, looking up at me as I held the blade to his throat.

“Chof gon sein chit Ai get in” ( Thanks for saying what I know. ) I let go of him and saw him moving to come at me again.

‘Em pleni!’ ( Enough! ) the voice came from the door now open wide behind us. #Octaiva stood with the look of death and anger on her face.

‘Luna kom Floukru ste ona Ai shilnes!’ ( Luna of Floukru is under my protection. ) She waved her hand in dismissal of the man and reached a hand out towards me.

‘Ai laik fiya Luna.’ ( I am sorry Luna ) she said, ‘Disha na nou na gon daun nodotaim.’ ( This will never happen again. ) Her eyes pointedly looking at all the people in the med lab with us.

I took her hand and stood before her. The young girl had taken on the role of leader, and I could see that her evolution into that role was coming alive before my eyes.

‘Kom op, Oso gaf gon chichplei’ ( Come, we need to talk. ) #Octavia pointed to the room where John lay sleeping.

Once inside she told me and the others of everything that took place upstairs.

“Guk op Ai yuj!” ( Give me strength! ) I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Without the nightblood experiment we only had one thing left, and that was to return to polis and take shelter in the bunker for five years until the radiation was gone. And now we didn’t have the time? And they were all working on the next plan? Where there any plans left at all?

•- John -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍꜱ

The painkillers were finally wearing off… or at least that was how it felt. It must have been a long time since I was even semi-conscious because there wasn’t a sound in the med clinic. Was I still on level ten? If the meds were wearing off, why wasn’t I hurting?

My eyes peeled open against the glaring light… I tilted my eyes to where I knew Raven had last been sitting. The chair was empty… there was no sign of the Zen Master either. I turned to look around the clinic. Nausea roiled in my stomach but there was nothing to come up. “Fuuuuck” I croaked the word with a parched throat… but yet I was thirsty… fucking drugs!

Nothing… no one. All the previously filled beds were empty… but neatly made up like they’d never been used. No machines beeped, no voices, or footsteps…. Not even far off ones.

“This can’t be good. I tried to sit up, but nothing happened.

“Hello!” I called out meekly. I cleared my throat again and shouted louder. “Anyone here? HELLO!!!”

This couldn’t be good… Was Raven, okay? Luna?... Emori? Where… Had they left me here? Had they packed up and gone and figured I was too damaged for the journey? Was I alone on this fucking island again?

•- Marcus -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴋᴀɴᴇ’s ᴍɪɴᴅ

One can easily get lost when stuck between life and death; stuck in time. Everything is so confusing; and every time when I feel like I am puzzling things together, understanding this ‘time loop’, I get lost again,

I haven’t been here for long , but certainly I haven’t heard a voice that wasn’t from a living person, except for #Aurora, which was very dead person. Therefore, when Murphy calls, but his body is motionless in the yard, somehow, I fear the worst.

“John?” I ask cautiously and in a low tone just in case I am going paranoid. If he can’t listen to me, then at least no one was watching me making a fool of myself. “John Murphy, can you hear me?”

At this point, I have entered the room and I was standing just a few feet away from where he was.

•- Raven -•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴄʟᴀʀᴋᴇ ɢʀɪꜰꜰɪɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

I was leaning over the back of #Monty’s stool as were #Jasper and #Bellamy.

‘What do you think it is?’ Bellamy asked the question I was certain was on all our minds.

‘I don’t know. It’s why we need the satellite tower up and running again.’ #Monty answered, however he still tried to zoom into the image on the screen.

‘Could it be another Station?’ #Jasper was the one to ask this time.

“No, they all made their way down. Or were destroyed over time.” I told him.

‘How do we know? It’s not like the council are known for telling us all the truth.’ His brown eyes were glued on the screen, like the rest of us.

“Jasper, let’s just wait for Rey to do her thing.” The moment the words were out, the screen changed before us. “What’s going on now?” I asked as Monty franticly started to key in some commands.

‘Looks like Rey did it again.’ #Bellamy chuckled. ‘Not that I had any doubts.’

“Hells!” I couldn’t believe what it was we were seeing before our eyes.

‘No…’ #Bellamy whistled under his breath.

‘It can’t be…’ #Jasper moved closer to the screen now.

“Monty?” I placed my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it to bring him out of the trance he seemed to be lost within.

‘It’s a ship… It’s not moving, but… It’s a ship…’ He finally said out loud what we all could see on the large screens before us.

However, the true questions were still unanswered. Who was in there and were they coming down here?

•- John -•

╰ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏɴ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴛᴇɴ

My name was the only sound that rang through the hospital wing. I tried again to sit up, grasping the rails on the sides of the bed. I braced for the pain to shoot up my arm... but there was nothing. I looked down; it was still bandaged up.

But there was still no pain.

I looked around again... with an upright view of the medical floor... Which was spinning. I screwed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose, careful of... The IV in my other arm was gone too? What the hell? I looked around again. Why had I sat up? Oh, right! Someone had called my name. Who... The thought was cut off when Marcus Kane walked into the room. There wasn't so much as a mark on him.

Did they leave him here too? There was no way Abby would abandon him.

"Marcus , what's going on? Did the others leave us here?" That was just the first of about a million questions I wanted to ask.

•- Marcus -•

I thought I was dreaming; hallucinating again.

“You can see me?” I asked and it sounded stupid. If he was talking to me obviously, he could see me, hear me… Does it mean I was no longer alone? Did he— I don’t really want to think about it.

Still, I was answered back by someone I knew it was alive— or was supposed to be. John wasn’t like Aurora, his aura seemed different, like mine. He also didn’t know what this place was, therefore, I approached him.

“No. they are still here. Can’t you see them?” I asked because for me I could see him and hear the others. It’s when I realised, I was walking between the thick line of life and death, sensing the darkness of the dead. But John? If he didn’t have the same perspective, I had no idea what that could possibly mean?

“Murphy, maybe you should remain where you are as I try to explain what is happening.” I said approaching him again with my hands lifted before my body.

•- John -•

My brows pinched together... "Of course, I can see you." I blinked against the too-bright room. The coma must have fried his brain. I watched how he approached me... and that was when it all hit me. FUCK!!!

I was dead... we were both dead... and my hell... was being stuck here with him.

"Shit!!" I dragged my hands through my hair... "I died, didn't I? I died and my punishment is to spend eternity here with you!" Doing the exact opposite of what he'd suggested I threw my leg over the side of the bed.

"Where are they? Where's Raven?" The movement had me dizzy so instead of jumping to my feet and shouted out for them.

"Raven!! Luna!"

•- Marcus -•

My first reaction was stare while folding my arms. Eyes never leaving John’s sight as he claims my presence to be his purgatory. Seriously? Then he freaked out, which I was hoping he would not; he did anyway, so I took a deep breath unfolding my arms. Both of my hands were lifted up towards him in an attempt to calm Murphy down as I approached him.

“Can you stop screaming? They cannot hear us. I have tried—” I said. My look was still directed to John. “— I have tried far too many times.”

Lowering my hands, one rest over John’s shoulder. I could not touch him, but I could feel Aurora. What is happening to him? Instinctively I pulled my hand away, looking at him.

“You are not dead, Murphy! Neither am I.” I say at least but there is a huge, confused expression stamped on my face.

•- John -•

This man was bat shit fucking crazy… My hands balled up into fists when he reached out to me. His hand passed right through me before he pulled it back. That was when all hell broke loose inside my head. I scramble back away from him, hands and heels digging into the thin mattress as a pushed myself back across the bed until I tumbled right off of the other side of it and hit the floor with a string of curses… but pain. Nothing…. I didn’t even feel the cold tiles on my bare arse.

When I stood back to give the Ghost-Of-Chancellor-Past another impressive string of swear words The empty med bay was transformed from the pristine, crisp white, too-bright room to the chaotic mess it had been when I was semi-conscious. The memory of Raven holding the reaper stick to my throat with all that pain in her eyes flashed in my head. And the bed I had fallen out of wasn’t empty. I was in it and she was here… she looked like the whole world had come crashing down around her and #Luna looked… ruffled… it was the only word I could use to describe it. The Zen Master was never mad but she was definitely a lot less zen.

I looked over my messed up sickly pale form in the bed… my leg was up… they must he cut me out of my clothes and put in in the weird paper dress things. Hence the bare arse. There was no need to call their name. From the way, their eyes move to my… body. I felt like I was going to vomit at the thought… did ghosts have stomachs?

I looked up at Kane again. “What the actual fuck!?” I glared at him. “Talk.” I demanded.

•- Marcus -•

⠀ ╰  ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴋᴀɴᴇ’s ᴍɪɴᴅ

What the actual fuck is precisely how I feel now and then. Caught between the thin line of life and death — the seen and unseen — at least is how I manage to deal with. It gets easier with time; I was able to prove that myself. There is, however, an emptiness of not really belonging anywhere, like a distant memory.

A memory . . .

If I haven’t seen my body lying, there I would believe to be dead. With the exception of the fact, I wasn’t; but neither was Murphy. I had seen him, his body, and yet I could not touch him. He is here, but he is not. A phantom stuck in my own madness as it seems. Am I losing myself?

I refrain from walking towards the youngest. Even if I was indeed concerned as he bumps and falls cursing names I rather not think of. To keep myself from raising a hand towards him, I fold them in my back. John is clearly unstable, so I am. However, I cannot show him that. He is just a ‘child’.

“John” I said before sighing. My feet take me for a stroll around the room as I keep a safe distance from the other. Then I stop and stare him in the eyes, allowing the bed stay between us. “Look at me. You are not dead, I am not dead.”

At this point my hand are moving as I speak, empathising the words that slip out of my mouth.

      “John, I can try to help you. I have been here for what seems like years; stuck in my own mind. In this unexplainable parallel of life. As if I were stuck to a mirror, watching everyone unfold their doings. Is madness. Still, I can only help  you if you allow me to. Help adjust if that is what it takes. I need to know… What do you see in this room? Who else do you see?”

I saw Aurora once. I could see the others around us. But could Murphy see them too?

TBC....

[oktorpg]

When the Heart Feels Lost - Rey Solo

〄 ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ʟᴏꜱᴛ

╰ ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: 𝘽𝙚𝙘𝙘𝙖'𝙨 𝙄𝙨𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙙

╰ ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᴵⁿᶜˡᵘᵈⁱⁿᵍ: 『 #Luna 』

╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉ ᶠʳᵃᵐᵉ: ᴰᵘʳⁱⁿᵍ ᴾʰᵃˢᵉ ⁵

The night air was growing warmer, as I lay here in the tall grass at the back of the mansion, my jacket lay under my head rolled into a pillow. There was so much happening, with no time to spare, I felt the need to free myself from the madness, even if it were for only a few minutes.

The hum of the night had died a few days ago, it was like the animals on the island had known what was coming and had given up before they saw it with their own eyes. But then again, with the black rain poisoning the waters, and killing anything that couldn’t hide, this island was starting to feel like a graveyard filled with all those innocent souls.

‘Hir Yu fou daun, ai don ste trana gon fig au Yu!’ ( Here you are, I was trying to find you! ) #Luna had snuck up on me, not that I was trying hard to hide from her or anyone else.

“Just needed some time to think.” I told her without moving. I had taken my brace off and set it to the side, my body was too tired to even attempt to move.

‘Dula op Yu gaf in Ai gon gyon au?’ ( Do you want me to go? ) She stood over me, her messy dark curly hair blocking out the view to the stars beyond.

“Nou, Ste kamp raun ai hir, taim Yu gaf in. ” ( No, stay with me here, if you want ) I told her.

She smiled taking off her jacket and taking the spot beside me, telling me she was glad to hear my trig was growing and getting better. It was all thanks to her and John. The two of them had been helping me learn since we came to the Island.

I pushed the thoughts of him away because nothing good would come of them. And of course, the #ZenMasters eyes missed nothing.

‘How long will you make him pay for his mistake? It isn’t like we have all the time.’ She mirrored me looking up at the sky. She knew it gave me peace to see the stars.

“I don’t know. It’s not a switch I can turn on and off Luna.” I couldn’t and wouldn’t lie to her. We had a clear-cut relationship. We didn’t hide from one another.

‘You know…’ She begun. ‘Once I thought I had the world in my hands. That I knew where my path would take me. That I knew all the answers, and that I could stay mad with those I loved because we had time…’ Her voice was sombre. ‘But then in a blink of an eye they were all gone. Their blood flowed freely, and I was left behind… the last one standing. A person who now has no people of her own.’

“You have me….” However, I knew too well what she was trying to say. I turned to look in her direction for a moment before my gaze returned to the sky. “It’s not the same Luna. It’s not like they didn’t love you back… Me… Anyone I love and care for…” I shook my head and cleared the lump building in my throat because it became hard to continue.

She waited; not pushing me. “Have you ever loved someone so much, that no matter what they do to you, how much they hurt you… You smile and take it?” My eyes burned as tears I promised I would never cry again rolled down the side of my eyes and into my hair.

“There has to be a moment, a cut so deep that you say Enough. If I take another hit so hard. I won’t survive another beat of my broken heart.” My voice cracked at the last word.

We lay in silence looked up at the dark star filled sky. Words lost in the moment until I felt her squeeze my hand, I wasn’t even sure when she had found it laying between the two of us on the ground. Her fingers roamed to the point of my healed scars on my wrist and then her fingers stayed there.

‘You won’t ever give up on love, Ai Stisis ( Little Sister ). Your heart is too big, your faith in people too deep, and your want to protect is unfathomable. No matter how much they hurt you, no matter the tears that run down your cheeks. You will find your way back to that peace in your heart. You will let them back in, and you will lay yourself over the boom stick just so they can live.’

I closed my eyes, needing the darkness to swallow me up because I knew she was correct. No matter how much my heart had been ripped open by those I cared for. I never deviated from the end goal. To protect them.

“It makes me a fool, doesn’t it? My mom, Finn… and now here… I…” I wasn’t even sure what it was that it made me.

‘They thought they were doing the right thing.’ #Luna turned her head; I could feel her eyes on me now. ‘Can we hold it against them?’

“So, I just act like nothing happened? I shrug it off and say Hey, sure… it’s all in a day’s work. And just pretend like I always have that I am unphased.”

‘Taim Lufa au tiya Yo en, Hodnes nou laik kwelnes, em ste yuj.’ ( Look around yourself, Love is not a weakness. It is strength. ) She was sitting up and glancing down at me when I finally opened my red rimmed eyes. ‘Em don Yu. Yu!’ ( And it made you. You! )

“However, I am not someone I would wish on another. No one should feel the way I do. I sometimes wish I was more like Clarke, Bells or even Jo… Murphy.”

‘Taim bilaik tombom lin don drop of, chek au gon blinkas. Bilaik rein keryon kik raun…’ ( When your heart feels lost, look to the eyes. That is the place the soul lives... )

And as those words sunk into my heart, I closed my eyes from the night sky and a flash of baby blue made its way to my forethought.