You know how sometimes things happen and you need to externalise them and write it out or your head will explode? Or you have an experience and you think “damn, what could have happened if the other person hadn’t been a tool?”
This is my trauma dumping self healing fic that I might never post because if anyone ever says anything mean I might actually become a horrible, mean villain.
You can have an excerpt though 😶 (it’s very bare bones because I can’t really look at it too much)
Regulus is looking at James, sitting on his couch, sipping an infusion.
Confused.
James gives him a knowing smile, although what he knows is yet to be seen. “I am derailing your plan, aren’t I?”
“Yes.”
James sits more comfortably. “Tell me how.”
“…I said I wasn’t going to sleep with you.”
“Mhm yes, I heard you.”
“So what are you doing here?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
It takes Regulus longer than he would like to speak the truth, pulling him in different directions. What’s safe, and what he actually wants. "No.”
James nods, ever so calm. "I see. But you are afraid that my presence is conditional to something you must give me.”
“Maybe.”
“Has anyone ever not taken you up on your offer to leave?”
“No. People generally don’t love being rejected.”
“Ah.” James takes a sip from his infusion, while Regulus stands there, unsure. Awkward. "Why don’t you sit down.”
Regulus looks around, where he won’t be close to James, but the flat is small.
“I promise you can sit next to me, I won’t attack you.”
“Yeah, okay.” It’s so sudden and comes from the heart. Disbelief coloring all of Regulus’ letters.
And suddenly, James isn’t in a laughing mood anymore. “Oh,” he says.
Regulus shrugs. “Consent gets apparently blurry when you bring people home.”
Below you can find some editing cues to brush your fics over with a consent and sex positivity comb.
In the previous years that I hosted smutember, a few people were a bit nervous to meet the consent and sex positivity criterion, and just in case that this is the case again, I want to compile a short list for you to use as a tool. Additionally, I want to minimise the chances of having to exclude some accidental non-and dub-con for the event, where people very much unknowingly wrote non-con themes without suspecting so. This can always happen of course, especially because we have not been systematically taught these things and sexual entitlement is a norm that surrounds us everywhere. We are all collectively learning to be better at writing and living consent (and this includes me!) so this is nothing to be ashamed about, but I still want to provide a few corner stones to minimise the chances of having to exclude something that was written with love for a project such as smutember!
Don't view it as a checklist though, but more as an instrument to think of your writing from a few angles.
A lot of you have started writing your smutember pieces, and so now that it goes into the editing phase, this might help you take a second look at them without changing any of your wonderful first ideas!
And just as a reminder: the sex-positivity and consent rules are ONLY for the reblogging and the inclusion in the e-Zine and in order to make the event a safe space for those who have suffered sexual trauma, but outside of the event and even during smutember you are OF COURSE absolutely free to write all non-con and dub con and sexual wallflowers meet porn star and all of it, they will just not be included in the event that I host. These rules are not there to censor anything and lots of people WITH sexual trauma in fact find it very therapeutic to write non-con -it's often a way to have control over an uncontrollable situation- and either way nobody gets to decide what is allowed to exist and what isn't, so do NOT understand this as the fic police, these are just the guidelines for one event.
That being said, consent and sex-positivity are sadly nothing that was included in most people's sex ed and thus it is also understandable to not be completely confident in writing it. And for those who might be a little unsure, have the following non-exhaustive cues for edit suggestions.
Sex Positivity Checks ✔️
(Consider that it is both OK for your characters to already BE sex-positive or be somewhere on the path there, or nudged towards it. Your characters don't already have to check all the boxes for it to be considered a sex-positive narrative. For instance, Character A can be sex-positive and Character B is not (yet) - which is very realistic. The idea is tho that the GOAL is sex-positivity, even if the goal isn't reached in the narrative. Also IT IS OK TO JUST CHECK A FEW SELECT BOXES! Not all stories have to contain all themes, obviously!)
🍋 Are your characters sensually aware of their bodies and unafraid of these sensations?
🍋 Are your characters familiar with pleasurable feelings in their body and allow themselves to feel them? Or alternatively, are they being encouraged to do so?
🍋 Are they unashamed regarding masturbation, or alternatively, are they on the road to working on feeling less shame around solo sex?
🍋 Are they used to touch and even sensual touch as something to share outside of sexual intent as well?
🍋 Are they able to stay focused on their body during sex and sensual touch or the non-sex-positive opposite: do they shy away from observing what is happening?
🍋 Are they looking at their bodies with acceptance or alternatively are they learning to do so
🍋 Are they looking at the OTHER person's body (+soul!) with appreciation, even the parts that their partner might dislike about their body?
🍋 Is at least one of your characters allowing themselves sexual thoughts and fantasies?
🍋 Do your characters feel joy in the sexual experience they choose to be in?
🍋 Is at least one of your characters unashamed (or learning to be unashamed) in sexual communication? Not just with their partners, but also in getting advice from trusted peers? (It's easy to boast - the shame makes an entrance when you learn to speak about the things in bed that might not be going so well)
🍋 Is at least one of your characters unpressured in the bedroom? Is it fully OK if they don't "perform well"?
🍋 Is it OK and appreciated for your character to be sexually active, enjoying it, regardless of frequency? (Or on the non-sex-positive flipside to avoid: is anyone "slut-shamed"?)
🍋 Is it OK and appreciated for your character NOT to be sexually active because they choose to be so?
🍋 Is your narrative tolerant of all ways of consensual sexual expression?
🍋 Does at least one of your characters know their own bodies sexually well enough to give the other guidance on what they enjoy?
🍋 Is your story shying away from sexual gender stereotypes?
🍋 Especially if your story includes LGBTQIA+ themes: Is your narrative tolerant of and about all sorts of sexual identities, gender identities, and gender expressions?
🍋 Do your characters reflect the messages about sex that they've internalized?
🍋 Do your character express (or learn to express) their desires and limits regarding sex freely?
🍋 Do your characters talk during sex? Do they check in with each other? Do they communicate?
🍋 Do they enjoy sexual feeling even when they aren't having sex?
🍋 Is it OK for your characters to be vulnerable about (and during) sex?
🍋 Does at least one of your characters allow themselves to indulge in sexual fantasies, be it in their head or in (consensual) action?
🍋 Do your characters take responsibility of their own orgasms? Do they take steps to get there in whichever way?
🍋 Are your characters unashamed of kinks and acting responsibly around them?
🍋 Is no one being shamed for kinks or non-heteronormative forms of sexual conduct?
🍋 Are your characters taking pride and enjoyment in giving each other pleasure? Is the act of giving as important as the act of receiving? If not, is this communicated and nobody is giving things they don't want to give?
🍋 Are threesomes and poly acts OK, tolerated, and accepted? Is it also just as OK to choose against them if it doesn't float your character's boat?
🍋 Is it OK for your characters to have sex without an orgasm at the end, too?
🍋 Are all of your characters taking responsibility for contraception?
🍋 Are your characters empowered and assertive in your scenes? For instance, even a gang bang can be written sex positive and consensual if we flip the scripts and the character in the center of the scene feels in control, chooses the situation, feels worshipped and in power and everything happens to their own desire.
Consent Checks ✔️
(Of course, please be aware of the fact that when enough of these are not being met, the story might quickly fall into dub-con or non-con territory. As stated above, that makes the story still valid and worthy of existence, but it won't be reblogged and included in the e-Zine. However, they also don't need to meet ALL criteria as long as your readers can comfortably lean back and be sure that your characters WANT to have the sex which each other and we can tell -and this means they desire what is happening in their mind, and it's not just their body reacting to something that might have started against their will. As long as this desire is expressed, the consent also doesn't have to be completely over pronounced: implied consent is OK in most cases! Consent is a subtle game often, especially in those cases that us authors try to play with tropes that walk the line of tropes that traditionally would not include it. So trust yourself! These are not meant to be the consent police, but just to help you reflect your work)
🍋 Is it everyone's choice to participate in the sexual activity?
🍋 Do all of your characters WANT to have sex?
🍋 Is this wanting to have sex expressed through desire (either verbally, clearly non-verbally, or mentally) or instead, in the non-sex-positive route, is arousal merely interpreted as desire? Please keep in mind that arousal is a reflex independent of desire. You can be aroused and still not want to have sex, which is why arousal alone is an insufficient marker for consent.
🍋 Is no one being coerced into agreeing to participate (and coercion can be subtle, from "don't you desire me anymore?" to guilt-tripping someone.)
🍋 Is no one feeling entitled to getting sex from the other person?
🍋 If your character chose to partake in sexual activity even though they weren't in the mood previously (which can be valid if it's their own free choice and curiousity to see what happens and they weren't in any way coerced into it, and is part of normal reactive desire - vs spontaneous desire where you were already interested in sexual activity before the opportunity presented itself in the moment), do they then GET in the mood and begin to feel desire for the sexual activity? And if not, are they absolutely free to stop the activity right then and there?
🍋 Is no one assuming for the situation to be consensual just because they have given consent for it before?
🍋 Are everyone's sexual limitations being respected (and for this they need to be aware of them!)
🍋 Are sexual refusals of any kind (the whole sex or just specific acts during sex) accepted without hostility, feeling insulted or any moping?
🍋 When they refuse to partake in sex or specific sexual acts, do they feel free to do so without having to fear they might be expected or made responsible to manage the other's emotions for this refusal and thus take on emotional labor on top their own emotions of having to dissapoint someone in the first place?
🍋 Are your characters taking personal responsibility of their own and their partner's boundaries?
🍋 Are your characters respecting others' boundaries without argument?
🍋 If your characters are (validly) freely choosing (and without coercion) to do things for someone else's enjoyment that they do not themselves enjoy that much, do they feel safe and like they can leave the situation without repercussions or any sort of argument or having to deal with their partner's emotions being made their problem?
🍋 Have boundaries been discussed or are boundaries being respected the second they come up? Are they known? Is everyone informed on what is going to happen, and knows they can stop at any point if they no longer want to go on? (Even if it's just agreeing on knowing they DON'T wanna know what will happen and they agree to it - I.e. during blindfolding, or in sex pollen-y situations- but know they can stop that too?)
🍋 Do your characters feel in control of the situation? Even if they are choosing to be submissive (i.e. through safe words) or are choosing to act on external motivators (like sex pollen, etc)?
🍋 Are your characters sensitive to nonverbal cues about limits and discomfort and stop to check in which each other when they notice them?
🍋 Do none of your characters ever cross an established sexual boundary or limit? (This also includes "testing" things in the heat of the moment that one person wanted but the other didn't to "see if they might like it after all," unless this is something the person has agreed to be OK.)
🍋 Is everyone conscious or conscious enough to make informed choices? This matters ESPECIALLY if this is outside of secure commitments and people cannot know the other person's history of boundaries and/or sexual trauma.
🍋 If someone IS intoxicated or sleepy or asleep - is this in an established relationship and has been discussed between the characters before? If this is a sexual fantasy and the (sleeping, intoxicated, etc) person's free choice to try out, this can be absolutely OK. If not, then absolutely not, even during established relationships.
🍋 Is everyone of the age of consent?
🍋 Is everyone on equal levels of power? And if there IS a power imbalance for whatever reason, are they being addressed and worked out in a way the person in the less powerful position can feel safe to say no? Can both characters say no without risking significant consequences? (For example, if one character is a college professor and the other is their student, per default the professor is more powerful without repercussions taken (i.e. like changing classes or officially disclosing a relationship to authorities), and because of this the student cannot freely give consent for sex with the professor because saying no might for instance risk their grades.)
Of course these are just cues, and thus always incomplete lists. Either way, these are to help you and not to limit you. It is absolutely OK to skirt some themes, and if you are unsure, to tag them. I am welcoming each and every work that tries their best at including sex-positive and consensual themes, and you do not have to be perfect at it!
Wrt that post i just reblogged, the one about more and more people in the age of tiktok violating consent by filming strangers and posting the videos or photos online. I just remembered that one day I was on the train to work and a few stations after mine a young woman got on the train and took the opposite seat to mine and she pulled out her phone and moved it around in the motion you do when filming, speaking something I couldn't understand because I had earphones in and I can't shake off the feeling she was not recording her own face. Which was unmasked and therefore a whole other subject that makes me, masking constantly since March 2020, super mad.
Anyway, I am now thinking about this and the pure possibility of a video of me listening to music while on a train, recorded without my consent or control over the situation and who could see it, makes me nauseous because I feel so disrespected and, for lack of a better word rn because it's late and English isn't my native language, used.
I still wonder what would have happened if I had spoken up. Would she have stopped? Would she had laughed in my face, blowing my suspicion away by showing me she was just recording/facetiming her own face, which honestly would've been the best outcome? Would she have made a scene, calling me the creep/intruder? I will never find out but the bitter aftertaste of this situation will stay with me.
The point of a business negotiation may be to get to “yes”, but in my mind, the point of a kink negotiation is to get to “no”--by which I mean, if there’s a “no” there (i.e. ANY hesitation, discomfort, etc.) I want to hear it.
I think a lot about getting to “no” because heck, sometimes during a scene (and especially for a bottom, and especially for those of us socialized female) it can be hard/intimidating to say “no”; we want to please people, we want to please our top, we want to not make waves, etc. So during sexytimes, I think a lot about ways to phrase my questions to make it as easy as possible for my partner to say “no”.
(None of the below is science, it’s all just my gut feeling about how to go about this--take with a grain of salt.)
Basically, the thing to be wary of is: it’s easy to say “yes”. It’s the path of least resistance, it’s what a lot of folks are conditioned to say, it’s what many folks will say to avoid being a “prude” or “bad bottom” or even just to avoid admitting that they have feelings or concerns.
If I’m getting sexy with someone (especially if I’m the more experienced/toppy one in the dynamic) and want to take their shirt off, I could just take their shirt off and trust them to say “no” if they don’t want me to--but there’s a lot of inertia to overcome there for that to happen. My partner would have to stop something that’s already happening in order to do the already-difficult thing of saying “no”. I could make this easier on them by going for their shirt but pausing and giving some meaningful eye contact, asking a question non-verbally, giving them an opening to say “no” if they need to--but hey, let’s think about ways to make this even easier on them.
Asking verbally is a great way to try and solicit a “no” if it’s there! “Can I take your shirt off?” is a great starting point--but still, all the social scripts say that they should say “yes” here, please their partner (/dominant), etc. “Would you like to take your shirt off?” is a little removed from that--more explicitly about what they want than about what I want. But again, the path of least resistance is still “yes”. Here are some other ways to phrase that question that might be even more easily “no”-able:
1. “How do you feel about shirts?” -- avoids the formulation of a yes/no question which takes off some of the pressure to just say “yes”; give them more room to give a nuanced answer
2. “Do you want to leave your shirt on?” -- flip the script! Now the ease of answering “yes” to a question works to counteract the pressure to go further/be nakeder/please their partner, and will hopefully leave them freer to give an honest answer. Also, shows that “leaving your shirt on” is a viable option.
3. “Do you want to leave your shirt on, or take it off?” -- shows that either option is acceptable; there’s not a clear right answer that you “want” them to give, so takes off some of that pressure. (I think I first thought explicitly about this formulation from a Lex Lucas video when he asked a model, “Do you want to have an orgasm, or wind down, or something else?”)
These are some rhetorical tips and tricks to make it easier for your partner(/bottom) to say “no”, or even just “I’m not sure”, “let’s talk about it,” etc. But hey, the real thing that’s going to make them feel comfortable saying “no” is you and your affect, from negotiation to play to non-sexy interactions. Be the sort of person who people are comfortable saying “no” to: make clear that any and all answers are acceptable, that you won’t flip out if things don’t go the exact way you want them to, that you accept “no’s” with grace, that you care about the comfort and safety of your partners more than about about getting your rocks off. When people say “no” to you, thank them and praise them, because hey, it can be hard. When people say “maybe” or give an unenthusiastic “yes”, don’t treat it as a yes--take the time to talk through that answer, and figure out what they actually mean.
It’s the responsibility of any individual in a sex/kink situation to say “no” when the need to--but sometimes that can be hard! So it’s also the responsibility of any person in a sex/kink situation--especially where there’s a power dynamic involved, e.g. the top, the man, the more experienced player--to remove the barriers to saying “no”, to signal that they are a safe person to say “no” to.
I know that it’s my personal goal that it’s as easy as possible to say “no” to me, in bed or in life--because then I know that when I get a “yes”, I can really trust it, and we can have some fun!
Anyway here's a GREAT article on writing smutty erotica and the importance of consent in the narrative.
"But we need to be more discerning in the stories we tell and how we tell them. Not all stories need to be the bastion of comprehensive sex ed and social reform. But erotic entertainment materials, whether we like it or not, are a primary educational resource for curious people of all ages all over the world. As such, we need to acknowledge the power—and responsibility—we hold as erotic creators."
With Smutember around the corner, and because this is SADLY nothing sex ed talks about consistently around the globe, I want to take a bit of time to about sex positivity if you’ll allow me. Specifically, what we mean when we use the term, and what it doesn’t. Does sex positivity mean you have to like having sex? (Spoiler, it doesn’t). Does sex positivity mean it’s wrong to not be open about doing certain practices? (Nope, it doesn’t either.) Does sex positivity mean I have to either love or hate porn, or erotic literature? (No, again.)
Since I’ll talk about this for a little longer, AND you because get to decide if you want this topic on your dash*, read ahead after the cut. (*and, while we’re at that, with smutember coming: all posts on this blog will be tagged with the hashtag #smutember2020 henceforth. If you don’t want to see this content, please feel free to block the hashtag.)
Forthose who don’t want a long post, here is the TL;DR:
Sex positivity is defined in many, many different ways, but ultimately spans attitudes regarding how we perceive sex and sexual conduct both for ourselves and others. It sees sex as a healthy expression of ourselves in which all consensual expressions of it are valid. In which shaming each other for sex or sex practices or shaming each other for the lack of experiencing sexual desire and having healthy sexual boundaries is not sex-positive. Sex positivity is about embracing all expressions of sex and sexuality (as long as they are between consenting people) as something positive that embraces open communication about personal limits and desires, and encourages exploration. Consent here is the most important prerequisite requirement: That all people involved are of an age and state of mind and consciousness where they are able to willingly consent, as well as have the perceived power to willingly consent to participate in the action.
So, to preface this shortly, this isn’t actually a term that is super easy to define. Which is why scholars (among them feminist, psychologist, social studies and sexual medicine scholars and many others) have not yet agreed on a universal definition. In fact, there are papers solely focusing on comparing definitions to find their common ground. It is, thus, definitely not something that goes without saying.
Before I can speak about what sex positivity is, we have to talk about the most important ingredient, though: Consent.
What is (and isn’t) consent?
Consent is the explicit agreement to participating in any action, and here, specificially, sex. It can be verbal and non-verbal, but it means everyone involved really wants to do all sexual actions that are being done, no exceptions. It means no one is being coerced against their will, no one’s concerns are being ignored, their desires and boundaries are known and being listened to and respected. It means no one is doing something they had no chance to reflect upon if they want it or not, and no one is doing something they don’t want out of obligation or a sense of duty. It means no one is having sexual contact with someone who isn’t able to consent in any form: be it because they can’t consent because of their age, or limited consciousness, or because of perceived verbal or nonverbal threats and/or consequences. The latter, in its most base terms, means (non-exhaustively) that people below the (culturally differing) ages of consent - meaning children and young teenagers - cannot consent, that people who are intoxicated, under the influence of drugs, asleep, in a state of trauma or shock, in a dissociated state of mind or any similar states cannot consent, and that people who feel they have no power to say no cannot conset - i.e. someone who fears consequences to their physical, social or psychological well-being (or those of others) if they say no, which can range from, say, an employee feeling like they can’t decline an employer’s physical advances that they don’t want without negative consequences in any form in their work-environment, or a person in a romantic relationship fearing a break-up if they don’t “deliver” sex even if they don’t want it, or a person who feels they have to “deliver” sex they don’t want in order to prove their personal worth or love or affection or to avoid ridicule. These are of course non-exhaustive. A person who says yes even though they don’t want to because they feel they can’t say no, as well as a person who is too young and/or unable to say no, isn’t consenting.
And because this is so important, here, have that brilliant Tea of Consent by Emmeline May, quoted and photographed off my copy of “More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters” by the Hotbed Collective.
What Sex Positivity Is
Most of us are very intuitive about what sex positivity is, but the fewest of us have ever discussed it at length in any way or form, and thus the edges are very often hazy!
First and foremost, sex positivity is a set of attitudes that forms personal beliefs regarding sexuality, how we perceive collectively shared sexual norms, and how we view sexual autonomy and sexual expression both in ourselves and others. So what does that all entail, and how does that look?
A basic view of this is: sex is good! Sex is, as long as it’s consensual, something healthy, and a valid and enjoyable way to express intimacy, affection, love and desire. It’s not just a means to an end (satisfaction, babies, etc.) and it should not be shrouded in shame or pain or discomfort, and instead be communicated about openly and respectfully. This is of course, in direct answer to sex-negativity: The belief that sex is bad, shameful, sinful, and having it makes you just as sinful.
Here is one of many scientific definitions for the term: “[Sex positivity is] the belief that all consensual expressions of sexuality are valid.” (p.289)
That means if you’re, say, really into having sex while wearing stockings (actually something that comes up very often when you ask people of their fantasies in surveys!) or maybe wanting to be tied up for it (also a VERY frequent fantasy) and do it ONLY with people who are into it, too, and not against their will, then it’s a healthy expression of your desire and no one (no parents, no society, no church or institution or anyone) is entitled to shame or sanction you for it.
As Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and sex researcher says, society (including its medical and psychological history and authorities, sadly!) has had a very narrow and restrictive view of what is “ok” to be desirable when it comes to sex in the past and sadly sometimes still the present, and that “they’ve pretty much told us that we shoudn’t do anything other than put penises in vaginas and even that, ideally, should only take place within the confines of a heterosexual, monogamous marriage).” (p.vi) Bringing with it the dogma of immorality and crime, among else.
Sex positivity aims to be the antithesis of this. It means all forms of consensual sexual expression are valid. Not one form is better than another. If you live and love monogamously or heteronormatively, it isn’t better or worse than living in any other form. From polyamory to kinks, or having any kind of consensual fetish that don’t hurt anyone else or their free sexual expression when sharing them with others, all of them are valid, none of them are better or worse than any other individual choice. It means celebrating and validating all forms of sexual expression (or lack thereof!) as well as all forms consensual practices, while having any form of sexual identity and any placement on the wide spectrum that is gender identity.
What Sex Positivity Isn’t
Because sometimes it is easier to thoroughly understand something by outlining what it DOESN’T include, this is more imporant than many might think. And because I’m obviously not the first person to think about this, there is this really great article by Everyday Feminism about what sex positivity isn’t that is written in a very clear and straight-forward way, that I’ll urge everyone to check out, but I’ll also outline some select few of the (more numerous) basics they’ve described here:
🚫 Sex positivity means liking sex
No. Just because someone really, really enjoys sex, that does not mean at all they are sex-positive by default. Sex positivity isn’t synonym with being overly enthusiastic about having sex or surrounding yourself with it. It can! But that’s not at all the point in the slightest. Someone who really likes sex can still be disrespecful about someone else’s sexual expression, or feel entitled to someone else’s sexual acts or interest in sexuality, or that they can judge someone’s sexual identity or form of expression. Sex positivity is about respecting others in all their forms of sexual expression, even if those forms don’t represent your own. Likewise, someone who does not themselves like or enjoy sex can still be respectful of other’s expression of it in any form and with any other person or persons, and see sexuality as a healthy form of self-expression even when it is their choice to not engage in it for any span of time or reasons.
🚫 Sex positivity means everyone should have and like sex because it’s healthy
No. There are uncountably many reasons why someone might be repulsed by sex or simply not interested it. All of them are valid. None of them are to be shamed. Sexual trauma, sexual exploitation, a lack of feeling sexually empowered, pain during sexual intercourse, lack of desire, internalized shame that prevents sex from being enjoyable, the feeling of being in an environment where your sexuality is coerced or objectified and not feeling comfortable with it, being touch-repulsed or simply feeling no inkling of “lust”. All of this is valid. Sex positiy means respecting boundaries in consentual sex. It does not mean you have to have sex if it is unpleasant for you for any number of reasons. Of course, if you want sex and are suffering under any number of reasons that make you not enjoy it even though you would intrinsincally WANT to enjoy it (Anything from pain to sexual trauma to shame), then there are professionals out there qualified to help and counsel you. But they, too, are not entitled to dictate sexual action for you. Only you decide if you want to have sex or not. No one else. You are the master of your sexual expression in any form and are entitled to decide how, when and if you (and only you) want it, and no one else. That is an expression of sex positivity.
🚫 Sex positivity means being open to all forms of sex
No. Being sex positive means you respect the healthy expression of your own and someone else’s sexuality, and this includes their boundaries. You can believe that sex is healthy and enjoyable and should not be shamed in the least, and still not like anal. It does mean however that you still respect someone and their sexual expression when they do like the shit out of anal (pun intended lol, thank you very much.) This person is not entitled for YOU to like anal or to get it from you if you don’t enjoy it, and you are not entitled for them to not desire it. And this of course goes for any sexual practice. Judging and shaming someone for enjoying giving blowjobs is not sex-positive, just like it isn’t sex-positive to expect someone to inherently WANT to give blowjobs. Sexual boundaries are very healthy, and an important form of self-reflection and the root of true informed consent. Knowing what you like and don’t like and that these things will most likely differ from others in their unique expression is an important path to a most healthy sexual expression.
🚫 Sex positivity means always being ready, available, and interested in sex, with anyone.
No. Sexual expectations wear heavily on people from any gender or sexual identity. Many queer or nonbinary people suffer, among else, under sexualisation and being made the stuff of fetishes or being ascribed heavily sexualized attributions. Many men, among else, suffer under normative stereotypes, myths and sexual scripts that say they always want sex and are unmanly when they don’t feel desire 24/7, that they’re always up for sex and never not in the mood. Likewise, the 70s brought women and their sexual freedom into a position heavily reinforced by porn scripts in which they are expected as ‘sexually freed’ beings to be sexually available, ready, interested, and orgasmic at all times, and if you are not, you are a prude, and if you do it too much, you are a slut. These are all (non-exhaustive) forms of sexual shaming and dictated sexual expectations. If you are generally enthusiastic about sex and enjoying it, you are allowed to have phases where you feel less desire. And whether you are someone with a generally smaller libido that sometimes spikes, or you’re someone who has never felt any sexual desire at all, or someone who wants sex a lot, you are sex positive when you respect other’s free expression of it, and this includes the frequency in which they want it or with whom they have it. You get to pick what sex you have and with whom or how many you have it, no one else. Anyone who tells you otherwise under the mantle of ‘sex positivity’ is, as everyday feminism so eloquently put, employing “sexual coercion cloaked in faux-progressive language. If someone is calling you a prude or sex-negative for not having sex with them, they’re violating your consent and their opinion of you is invalid. And just because you want to create a world in which everyone is empowered to make the sexual choices they want doesn’t mean that you personally have to be interested in casual sex.”
🚫 Sex positivity means sex is healthy, so that means I am entitled to sex.
No. It means you are entitled to WANT to have it, but not to have it. In sex as in every other need involving other people (from receiving oral, to boardgames, to conversations, to a hug or affection): Just because you are entitled to want something or even very validly need something, that does not mean someone else is obligated to give it to you. Just because someone needs comfort and company, you are not obligated to give it. Just because someone wants and needs attention, it is not your job to give it. Just because someone wants sex and feels they need it, even if they are your partner, you are not obligated to give it. This can be frustrating, of course. But NO: Just because you want sex, you are not entitled to have it. Ever. From anyone. No one owes you sex, not even if you’re married to them. Everyone has their own sexual agency, and everyone needs to respect it. In fact, feeling entitled to sex lies at the base of sexual aggressive behavior of all kind, and the idea that your own desire for sexual activity rates higher in priority than the individual needs of the person you’re coercing it from. It’s at the root of rape culture, and something we must all internalize to overcome it: Despite you wanting something and it being healthy to have it or to get this something, no one owes it to us or is obligated to give it to us.
🚫 Sex positivity means you have no problems with sex.
No. The term positivity of course often brings overtly positive connotations with it: something easy and happy. Of course, sex positivity doesn’t require you to have an easy or happy relationship with sex and sexuality. Sex can be traumatising, uncomfortable, regrettable, awkward, unpleasant, confusing, or plain boring and uninteresting to you. Even if it isn’t traumatising or painful, it can still be hell of a lot frustrating navigating it and your own desires. Body image issues or and religious restrictions that can be important to you or not, never having orgasmed but really really wanting to, the feelings of not ever having encountered sex that’s truly fun for you, all of these and many, many more are the giant maze that can arise when navigating sexuality in our lives. None of these means you aren’t sex positive. It’s here for survivors of sexual violence and aggression and those who want to reclaim their sexual agency, sexual empowerment and self-expression, just as it is here for asexuals, demisexuals, aromantics, or anyone else. It’s the belief that we have a right to a healthy sexuality without being shamed, violated, sanctioned or discriminated for it, and that we have a right to our boundaries as well as our fantasies.
So, I’m guessing most of you knew this intuitively all along. I’m preaching to the choir. However, seeing it written down often helps us in expressing ourselves, and in the way we confidently navigate our own sexual empowerment.
And, with smutember on the horizon again, when we once again try to incorporate sex positivity in our writing, too, it might serve as a good reminder that we help along the normalisation of sex positivity whenever we portray it in media in general, and fiction specifically! I hope one day we will take all this fully for granted, and everyone around us, too!
Hi, I ADORE your smut! I just binged through all of it this long weekend! I really think it stands out in the way you stress importance on consent in particular! Usually I'm actually more into dub-con (I don't know why, but I just find it really sexy? probably not good??) but YOU manage to write consent extremely sexily? I'm sorry if this sounds totally weird, but I wanted to say that. And I also wanted to ask you why consent plays such a big role in your writing? I find it really striking!
Hello my dear anon!!! Thank you so much for this ask AND for reading my smut, and I am SO happy that you enjoy it!
Now, warning ahead. You asked why consent is important to me, and even told me I managed to show you some sexy in it, even though you usually don’t go for it, which is SO FRIGGING GREAT TO ME, but so my answer will be both personal, and science-y, and LENGTHY, so… at your own risk, lol? You asked a psychologist sex researcher this question. And so this is the answer you are getting.
So, to answer your question, let me start a little broader:
Sexual desires are pretty damn diverse. And what you desire can be immensely specific. And that’s a good thing – just like you wouldn’t want everyone to be into wearing the same sparkly hoodie and nothing else but that, you wouldn’t want them to only desire gals with red nail polish. So, here, as with anything else, diversity is something that makes us richer.
Among the diversity in sexual desires are factors we can distinguish, though. Where we can group them specifically. Gender and bodytype are among those. Many people desire one specific gender in the gender spectrum, some don’t, you know this one. But sexual desires and orientations really don’t stop at one gender. Just because you’re into guys doesn’t mean you’re into every man that ever walked this earth. Your desires are more specific than that. So, there are other factors than just gender. One example that I already named is bodytype. And it is also a factor on which I can illustrate the following very well: Variance and diversity is good. But bodytype preference specifically shows us that we are not as diverse as we should be in this regard. If this were a normal distribution, we should have way more variance in what bodytypes people desire. And in fact, statistically seen, we do see that desired bodytypes vary slightly more between both hetero- and homosexual women than they do in men; but in no gender they still vary as much as they “should”. One possible and plausable explanation for this (tho not exclusive! Looking at you, evolutional psychology) is: We are influenced in our preference. By media, by zeitgeist, by the judgemental comments of those around you, by mere exposure even (i.e.: what you’re used to seeing more often!). Heterosexual cis-men might so overwhelmlingly prefer smaller, slender, tight, overtly youthful bodytypes in part because so many accumulating influences have taught them to. And, because once preference is formed (during and around puberty) it’s highly fucking stable and can not be nudged (see those harmful streams of psychology and pseudo-psychology that have tried to “convert” homosexuality in the much-too-recent past!), these influences are a very powerful and lasting influencial thing! Because we don’t CHOOSE what we desire. It forms without our will, and stays like that (though obviously you can discover sides to it later on that you never even knew were there! Especially because in most cases, we are not exclusive in our desires, and there are more sides to it we have yet to discover!)
So. Anyway.All this I said to make the following point:
Another factor (just like bodytype or gender) in which we statistically distinguish sexual desires in the scientific literature about it, is if people sexually desire consenting sex vs. non-consenting sex. As we saw with bodytypes, what we see and what we’re used to seeing has an effect on what we end up desiring once puberty has finished forming our from-then-on stable desires. Now, please remember we tend to live in what we commonly name a “rape culture” almost everywhere around the world, some places more overwhelmingly “heavy” on it than others. And we do tend to see the correlation that in countries where pornographic material contains exponentially more depictions of rape and non-consenting sex and coercion, where the overcoming of a “no” and the exploitation of helpless sexual partners gets romanticized a lot (looking at you, Japanese porn), more people desire non-consensual sex over consentual sex than in countries where more explicitly non-consentual content is banned. And while way more motivation is needed to commit a sex crime than just sexual arousal towards an individually desired stimulus, it is certainly a risk factor (one that goes both ways, mind you: if you’re into the idea of non-consexual sex, for whatever reason, you’re both more likely to become a perpetrator OR a victim!)
So, what I’m saying here very lenghtily (sorry!): With my fics I write sexual media. From my own experience I can very much attest to the fact that pubescent kids read smutty fanfiction. I did back then. It was my first introduction into sexual media as a kid. And lots of sexual media, especially mainstream pornography but not exclusively, contains non-consenting sex which seems to be one factor among many that has the power to influence kids in their puberty to develop sexual desires for those depicted stimuli.
This is of course not to say that it’s bad to be into a little “dub-con”, as you say. I myself enjoy consentual powerplay A LOT. You know, depictions of sex where one of the partners gets restrained by the wrists, or frantic sex that can turn a little rough (even when, for me, it’s important that this is ok by both partners very much explicitly!), or quickies without much foreplay and a lot of frenzy that are incredibly arousing to me if the emotions are all laid out for me to read! But I also know I had no choice in desiring this, this is the result of the cocktail of influences both internal and external that I was exposed to until my sexuality fully formed. And I can’t tell you if depictions of dominance and powerplays however consensual might not absolutely turn me off if I’d not grown up in an environment that romanticizes this as I grew up! I might have learned this, in part, through sexual media that I consumed during the onset of my puberty.
And this is one of the many reasons why depictions of consent in the sexual media that I put out is so important to me. I play a teeny tiny part in this grand picture. My fics might be what two, three, ten kids during their puberty consume. And I feel a responsibility towards these two, three, maybe 10 kids that read my content, to put out something where I have the power to not contribute to this rape culture, and instead depict a sexuality that can be communicative, consensual, mostly realistic and still arousing. At least I strive towards that goal, and find some meaning in it!
ESPECIALLY because of my field of work in sexual aggression research, AND because in mainstream media, outside of porn, sex either gets censored completely, or it gets only depicted if it’s problematic! We tend to see a lot of rape in media. In books, in shows, in films. It always tells a narrative. But we rarely get shown explicit, healthy, empowered sexual content where both partners are into exploring every last kink they share!
So yes, there are many people who find a little dub-con, or even non-con, very stimulating. And there is nothing at all wrong with that! (You know, as long as you don’t harm anyone, this goes without saying!) Nobody chooses what floats their boat and it should be completely judgement-free as long as no one is harmed by it. And some people suffer a lot by what they like, too, even if they had no hand in deciting what got them going, which is a whole different topic in and on itself.
It doesn’t mean people aren’t valid in their desires whatever way they are formed sexually.
But I choose to contribute in this teensy-tiny way that I can, that someone who gets exposed to sexual media by me first, might find some kink in consent and communicating their needs to each other. I believe the world would be a safer place if more people were to get turned on by consent. So that is one reason why I always address it, and try to work it into even the most problematic of tropes, because I believe it can be done and I believe it can be done in very arousing ways!
(And yeah, sorry for the length… I was very happy about getting this ask?)
