I keep having to remind myself that I wrote over 90 pages of smut-free story before this point, because the ending has fully, utterly, gloriously descended into chaos. It’s massive and throbbing with unrestrained, animalistic depravity —the most intense thing I’ve ever written. I’m half horrified, half in awe of my own commitment. Send help!
due to gavin’s heightened paranoia, DO NOT touch him randomly. announce you’re in the room somehow if he’s not looking at the door, though he usually is. even if you’re close to gavin, it’s best to give him a little ‘heads up’ of some sort before you touch him unless he’s become completely used to it. even then, even if you’re fucking and dating, don’t take it personally if he tenses up a little when you first touch him.
A continuation of Ooby Dooby, this thing I wrote where Nursey accidentally tells single-father Dex that he has a child, too. Oops. Also the title is from another children’s song (Ring-Around-the-Rosie) and is meant to signify Nursey falling even further down the hole he dug himself. Oops again.
*~*~*
Finding a toddler to borrow for a certain amount of time is more difficult than Nursey would’ve thought. Like, he thought it would be really hard to start with, but it turns out its even harder than that. None of his friends have kids, as they’re all fairly young and/or like to drink their cares away for the majority of their weekends, and it’s not like Nursey can just go to a cat-shelter type establishment and pick out a cute two-to-three year old who might possibly look like they share his genes.
He flirted, briefly, with the idea of putting an ad on Craigslist, but not only did the idea of what he’d get in response scare him into double-checking the locks on his apartment’s front door but he’s also pretty sure that someone in some kind of government room with no windows and a thousand computer screens is monitoring shit that goes down on Craigslist, and Nursey really doesn’t want to be put on any kind of list that makes flying even harder than it already is.
Dex texts him, a few days following their meeting- days Nursey has spent debating on whether or not he can die of heartbreak from a guy he’s spent not even an hour with- and he sends a picture of Parker wearing his Spider-man pajamas. It’s probably the most adorable thing Nursey has ever seen in his life, Parker looking so proud of himself with this huge grin on his face, sitting on a rug that looks old and homey, in his apparently favorite outfit. Dex captions it with he wanted me to make sure you knew how cool his pjs were. Nursey dies with cuteness and tells Dex to let Parker know that they are, indeed, the coolest pajamas in existence, and hopes that this isn’t a tit-for-tat type situation in which Nursey is expected to reciprocate with a cute picture of his own adorable, superhero-loving, non-existent kid.
Nursey lets himself into Jack’s apartment, hating himself and also craving some pie for some weird reason. He collapses on the couch with a pitiful sigh-groan-whimper and Jack, who is sat next to him, looks constipated, which he usually does when faced with emotions. He reaches out awkwardly and pats at Nursey’s shoulder, which is actually pretty nice so Nursey gives him a weak smile.
“No luck in the toddler search?” Jack asks, then winces at himself as he realizes how weird what he just said was.
Nursey sighs again. “No. It’s almost like parents don’t want to give their kids away to strange men so they can get dates. Go figure.”
“Thirdy said you could babysit his daughter if you want,” Jack says, a little hopeful. “Mostly because he wants to know how it is going to turn out.” Nursey loves Jack, he really does, because there’s only so many friends that would actually ask their coworkers if his friend could borrow their baby for a bit.
“I told Dex I had a son,” Nursey says, waving his hand for no reason. “But thanks anyway.”
“Marty has a son,” Jack says, almost like he’s thinking to himself. He winces again, momentarily forgetting that this isn’t the weirdest fucking situation ever.
Nursey gives Jack a flat look, which isn’t fair because Jack is trying to help but- “I show up with a white baby and he’s definitely going to think I’m more of a creeper than I already am.”
“I don’t see what the big issue is,” Holster says, returning from Jack’s kitchen with a giant bowl of popcorn. Shitty trails behind him, a similarly sized bowl of chocolate covered pretzels in his hands. Lardo has a three six-packs of beer in her hands, which she quickly dumps across the coffee table for everyone to grab. Nursey looks at them and whines to himself. He doesn’t even feel like drinking, he’s so upset. “You met the guy, what? Once for like an hour? Just never talk to him again.”
“I can’t just-” Nursey cuts himself off with a whine and reflops onto the couch, because he’s apparently regressed into childhood maturity once again. He briefly wonders if he could pass his own self off as his son and then hurts his head thinking about the logistics for a minute. “I- you didn’t see him. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Shitty raises his eyebrows. “More beautiful than Jack?” Nursey nods solemnly and Shitty swears. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“You can’t risk being arrested because he’s pretty,” Lardo says, throwing away a can of beer she’s already finished even though they haven’t even started the movie yet.
“It’s not just that,” Nursey mumbles, fiddling with the hem of his sweatshirt. “He’s really good with his kid and he’s funny and he plays hockey, and I don’t know.” He shrugs, looking up at Lardo and feeling embarrassed and vulnerable and shitty. “I just felt good being around him. I- everything was okay for a little bit.”
Lardo, who has dealt with Nursey’s shit almost as much as Shitty, considers him for a moment. Nursey lets her look her fill, baring his soul to her even though he knows she can see it whenever she wants. After a few heavy moments, she finally shakes her head. “Derek,” she says, her voice soft, “if you really do like this guy, you can’t pretend that you’re a father. It would ruin any chance you had.”
“Yeah, brah, fake babies are good for a one-and-done but long-term?” Shitty makes a face. “Not kosh.”
“But what do I tell him?” Nursey says, whining more but mostly just because why not.
“The truth,” Jack says, his voice quiet but firm, and he gives Nursey a reassuring smile when Nursye turns to look at him. “If he’s worth it, he’ll see how sw’awesome you are despite the whole-” Jack winces again, “-lying about having a kid thing.”
Nursey sniffles, wiping at a nonexistent tear. “That was beautiful.”
“Group hug!” Shitty cheers, then jumps onto the couch like a starfish. Nursey coughs all the air out of his lungs, and before he can rectify it, Holster and Lardo join the pile. Nursey and Jack are busy complaining, loudly and with much laughter, that it’s too much weight, then Shitty starts sobbing because he accuses them of calling him fat, and it’s at that moment that Ransom bursts into the apartment, grinning from ear to ear.
“Tell me I’m the best bro,” he says.
“You’re the best bro,” Holster says without pause.
“Want to know why I’m the best bro?” Ransom asks. Before anyone responds, he continues, “Because only the bestest of best bros could help his bro get a little bro to take to a bro date with another bro!”
Nursey blinks confused. What does bro even mean at this point? Holster, it seems, is better at deciphering it. “You found a toddler?” he asks, shock and awe in his voice. Nursey panics momentarily, wondering what “found a toddler” means. Like, a friend of a friend promised to lend the baby to a stranger for an afternoon kind of found, or like, someone left a stroller unattended at a grocery store and now the whole cast of Law and Order: SVU is going to be at their door in a few minutes kind of found?
“It might be cool to meet Mariska Hargitay,” he mumbles to himself. Everyone else, who is used to his mumblings, begins inquiring via yelling how exactly Ransom found a toddler.
“My sis is going on vacation and I convinced her to let me babysit my nephew while she and her wife go to Paris.” Ransom grins, incredibly proud of himself, and Nursey is thankful and he feels bad but-
“Thanks, brah, but I kinda decided to nix the fake baby idea.”
Ransom deflates. “Dude. Now I have a toddler for a week all by myself.”
“You love Wade,” Holster protests. “We can dress him up like Broadway characters again.”
Ransom winces. “Yeah, Sabrina nixed that after the Pippin ones. Gave her a bad vibe.” And he shakes his head, changing the subject physically. “And yeah, I love Wade, coolest little dude who can’t form sentences, but, like, for an afternoon, a day at most. A whole week is going to be brutal.” He collapses in the armchair, already exhausted at the mere thought of entertaining a toddler for an extended period of time.
“I could help you watch him,” Nursey suggests. “It is my fault you’ve got him in the first place, and I still need to do research for the book anyway.” Nursey doesn’t know why he’s doing this; he has no experience with kids and he’s probably just going to make the whole thing worse, but maybe a part of him is hoping that if he gets enough practice hours with a baby, Dex will be more inclined to let him into his and Parker’s lives. Possibly. Improbably. Would you let a guy who lied about having a son to look less creepy about watching children play in a park around your toddler? Nursey would, but he might be biased.
“Sw’awesome!” Ransom cheers. “Bro-parenting.”
“Bro,” Holster says, wounded. “I thought we were gonna be bro-parents.”
“That’s when we have our own kids,” Ransom says, like it’s obvious, and Holster is apparently pacified. The rest of the people on the couch exchange looks; they’re not sure if Holster and Ransom are actually dating and just never thought it pertinent to inform any of them or if they’re just planning to keep living together forever, bros ‘til death do they go off to the big kegster in the sky.
“When does Wade get here?” Nursey asks to change the subject.
“Tomorrow,” Ransom says. His eyes go wide and excited. “We can go to the aquarium!”
*~*~*
Okay, so, babies? Much cuter in the abstract than the physical. Like, meeting Wade, A+ experience. His mothers had cleaned him of any and all fluids, deceiving Nursey into thinking babies were generally clean. Guess what? Not true. They were pushing the stroller along, happily pointing out all the fish to a Wade who probably had no idea what was happening aside from colors! Then all of a sudden there was spit-up and crying (mostly Nursey and Ransom’s) and then Ransom was abandoning Nursey to “go get paper towels” and Nursey was left alone with the crying, vomit-covered toddler in his arms.
He’s hastily rummaging through the stroller, looking for anything aside from his own t-shirt for something to get the vomit off of Wade’s face, ignoring the judging looks from the moms around him. Fuck them, he thinks, at least my kid is the cutest out of all of them. He glances around to make sure and he’s totally got the cutest kid, sans-vomit. Wade’s got these huge chubby baby cheeks and a happy wide smile, with short curly hair and the most adorable button nose there’s ever been.
“Except maybe for Dex’s, kid,” Nursey tells Wade just as he finds a thing of wet-wipes. He manages to finagle a wipe out of it with some vigorous jerking that makes Wade giggle. “He’s got a very cute nose,” Nursey informs him, rubbing at the vomit, and it’s actually going away! Score one for Nursey, zero for toddler digestive tracts. “And there’s all these freckles over it, I bet you in the summer he gets thousands of them.”
“Fishy,” Wade says happily, pointing at a Nemo looking thing behind him.
“Yes, fishy,” Nursey says, proud of Wade’s developmental skills even though he has no right to be. He throws the vomit-wipe into the trash can to their left and then tickles Wade’s tummy, making him shriek with glee. “This is what fishy kisses feel like,” he says seriously, which just makes Wade giggle more.
Wade leans in and smacks a kiss to Nursey’s cheek, which is endearing even with the lingering smell of puke, and Nursey gives him a warm smile as Wade pats at the place he just kissed with his chubby baby hand.
Then Nursey hears, “Nursey!” in an excited, high-pitched voice, and he turns just in time to see Parker running up to him and stopping just before he barrels into Nursey’s knees.
“Parker.” Nursey blinks down at him, shocked considerably. Last night, Nursey and Parker’s father were texting like crazy, going from talking about hockey to books Nursey loved and Dex complained about to Marvel movies and more. It was so easy, companionable and flirty and comfortable. Nursey spent most of the night afterwards agonizing over if he was going to explain his lie to Dex or just not respond to anymore texts, and now here Parker is, bright and smiling and-and sans-Dex.
Nursey looks up and around, eyes programmed to lock onto that gorgeous fiery hair, and he finds Dex looking panicked a few tanks over. He raises a hand in the air and calls Dex’s name until Dex looks over, his eyes locking on Nursey. He jogs over, pushing his way through extended families and stroller walls. When he’s within earshot, he hears Dex asking, “Have you seen Park-”
“Daddy, it’s Nursey!” Parker cheers, bouncing on his feet. Dex instantly floods with relief, his shoulders loosening and his expression relaxing. He kneels down onto the ground and hugs Parker close, his eyes closing as he squeezes.
“You scared me, Parker. Don’t run away from me like that.” Dex pulls back and Parker’s lip is wobbling a little.
“I’m sowwy,” he says, blinking rapidly. Then he points up at Nursey. “Nursey here.”
Dex squeezes at Parker’s shoulders for a few seconds, not able to look away from him, probably still half-panicked from losing him, but eventually he pulls his eyes away to look up at Nursey and offer a tired, almost self-deprecating smile. He stands up, taking Parker with him so now they’re both standing with babies in their arms, and Nursey almost forgot about Wade until he waves, big and obnoxious, over at Parker.
“Hi!” he says, cheerful, and Parker seems a little shy, ducking his head, but he does wave back, just a little spasm of his fingers, and it’s probably the most adorable interaction Nursey’s seen in his life.
“Oh, this is Wade,” Nursey says, remembering his manners. “Wade, this is Parker and Dex.”
“Hi!” Wade says again, and Dex smiles fondly. Nursey is almost jealous of Wade in that second. How dare a toddler get Dex’s fond eyes when Nursey doesn’t? He may possibly be crazy. I made up a toddler, he thinks, I’m definitely crazy.
Fuck, Nursey thinks as he realizes, Dex probably thinks Wade is my kid. Oh shit, oh fucking shit, how the hell is he going to dig himself out this? He was going to tell Dex he lied- or never talk to him again, he hadn’t decided yet- and it’s so much creepier to explain when he’s been spotted with a toddler that is not his own. Oh, yeah, I just like to hang out around children’s playgrounds alone during my free time and I just have this random toddler who’s my friend’s sister’s kid, a friend who just happens to not be here right now, haha, he’s totally real, this isn’t just a story I made up to explain away my kidnapping of this child, I would never make up something like, that’s almost as ridiculous as making up the existence of a child, who would do that, hahaha.
He is so fucked.
“Hi Wade,” Dex says, his voice softer somehow. “Do you like the fishes?”
“Fishy!” Wade says, which Nursey thinks is an affirmative. “Nemo,” he adds, solemnly, and Parker seems to understand because he nods back seriously. Dex shakes his head and gives Nursey a look, like kids, right? and Nursey tries to nod like a father would but he has like absolutely zero idea of what that would look like.
“My friend Chowder really likes the aquarium, and he conditioned Parker into loving sharks, so this is a weekly trip for us,” Dex says, faux-exasperated but mostly just pleased.
“This is our first time,” Nursey says, because lies fit in his mouth easily. He adjusts Wade on his waist. “We like it for the most part.” Then Nursey thinks for a second and amends, “The jellyfish exhibit was dark.”
“Dark scary,” Wade says.
“Weally scawy,” Parker agrees, and they exchange a happy, oblivious child smile.
Just then, Ransom comes bounding up to them, a wad of paper towels clutched in his hand. “I found-” He pauses, noticing the puke-less toddler in Nursey’s arms.
Nursey shrugs. “There were wet-wipes in the cart.”
“You couldn’t have texted a bro to let him know?” Ransom grumbles, throwing out the towels in the nearby trashcan.
“Jus’in,” Wade cheers, making grabby hands for Ransom. Ransom takes him easily from Nursey, and Nursey hopes that it doesn’t make it seem like his own “son” likes Ransom better than him.
“This is Ransom,” Nursey says, looking back to Dex- and God he’s pretty, how is Nursey ever going to walk away from Dex and Parker without dying inside- and seeing the amicable smile Dex offers Ransom. “Ransom, this is Dex and Parker.”
“The Dex and Parker?” Ransom has a shitty grin on his face, and Nursey feels his face warm (though it’s probably not a visible blush). Dex, on the other hand, flushes across his nose and cheeks in a pleasant, soft pink that Nursey wants to memorize. “I’ve heard a lot about you guys,” Ransom adds, probably as payback for the time Nursey helped Holster fill the pockets of his salmon shorts with actual salmon. Ransom leans in a little towards Parker. “I hear you’ve got some pretty sw’awesome Spider-Man PJs?”
“Spider-Man!” Parker cheers, and proceeds to ramble about superheros for a few minutes, to which Wade responds in kind, and as they have their own conversation (with Ransom watching and interjecting as he pleases, because both he and Holster are most comfortable in the presence of toddlers), Nursey manages to talk to Dex about the newest Marvel movie out, which leads to them talking about representation in media, and diversity and the importance of kids having role-models who look like them, and, just.
Dex speaks so carefully, choosing his words deliberately and trying to get what he means across so Nursey can understand easily, and Nursey can picture them talking about their days and Parker’s drawings and movies and pointless things and important things and he just wants, wants to have the chance to talk to Dex for- for as long as Dex will let him. And he realizes, with startling horror, that he is never going to get that. Because he made up the existence of a person and now he can’t even explain it because Dex caught him with a toddler (that Nursey once again lied about and passed off as his own), and, just. Halfway into their conversation, Nursey starts mourning the relationship he and Dex will never have.
Ransom’s phone goes off, and he tells Nursey that they need to get back for lunch with the gang, and Nursey tries not to whine pitifully at the thought of leaving Dex. Dex doesn’t seem to have the same qualms. He says, “Yeah, we’d better get going, too. But we should set up a playdate sometime.”
Nursey is going to say no, he is, but Dex looks so hopeful, and the expression is mirrored on Parker’s little face, and fuck, but, “Sure.” Nursey can feel Ransom staring at the side of his face and studiously ignores him.
Dex lights up, as do Parker and Wade. “I get off work early on Tuesday,” Dex says. “We could do around four if you’re free?”
“Sounds great,” Nursey says, thinking you’re an idiot, you’re an idiot, you’re an- “We can work out the details tonight.”
“See you then.” Dex is smiling, casual but devastatingly beautiful as always. He adjusts Parker in his arms. “Say bye, Park.”
“Bye-bye!” Parker waves goodbye, and Wade mirrors it with a big smile. Dex waves, too, and then they’re both disappearing into the crowd. Nursey deflates as soon as he can’t see the back of Dex’s head anymore.
“Dayum, Nursey, you’ve got it bad.”
“Yeah.” Nursey sighs. He’s so fucked.
“Fishy,” Wade says, almost consolingly, patting at Nursey’s shoulder. That helps.
I love the scene where, the moment that Yuuri accepts that he's the one leading Japan's figure skaters, he slaps Minami-kun's back without a word. In much the same way as when he presses the part of Victor's hair, how Yuuri expresses himself not through reason or speech but by body language is absolutely amazing when you see it as animated footage.
