i wanna hold your hand;; closed
melancholy. it bore down on him. like atlas, he held the weight of the world on his shoulders. like hades, he did feel cheated by fate. a swarm of emotions clouded his eyes, centuries of age and loneliness glistening in the tear lurking under the apex of his left eye. it pressed against the skin of his lower lid, and he could feel it fighting his control.
loneliness. it encompassed him. and he could not deny that things were harder than they once were. harder than they ever were before. and he had been forced to do things...very hard things...and they hurt. they had come back full circle, and not even the near-impenetrable barriers of his beloved TARDIS could ever spare him from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
the doctor sat there midst the machinery, their steady prowess foiling the broken gears of his inner turmoil. for the fate of donna noble had shattered him. and it wasn't just the longing for company. it was his coldness that he had shown prior to his actions. shutting down every ounce of sympathy and remorse as he looked into her tear-enblazoned irises with the empty gaze of his own. the feel of her warm skin, growing warmer to the touch as his fingers connected with the skin of her temples. the cries of protest that echoed echoed echoed even know in the silence, each word more tortuous than the last as they whispered to him through a veiled mind.
for awhile he had tried to forget. to fill the hole in his hearts with the wonders of the universe. but as time passed (he had no idea how much; he refused to keep count) the doctor began to go through the same motions. -----flip, turn, sideways, grab on, turn up collar, brush off jacket, slide on glasses.
the gravity of his situation threatened to break him; his weary hands purposeless as they held up the weight of the sky.
somethin' in the way she moves...
he's selfish in his desires. but here the weight of the sky is lifted ever so slightly, as his hands are imbued with a slight sense of renewed purpose. damned that he may break his penance, but a few words--just a few words. that's all. a final glimpse and a few words. one final visit. and he's gone from her life forever. not even a few, just the one word that he never got to say.
risen to his feet now, he lolls around the console, imprisoned in a limbo of happiness and grief and anxiety. in the back of his mind he knows that it's selfish. he doesn't deserve a peace of mind after what he did. but he wants it. and the universe be bloody well better off with someone else if he can't seal the finality of a lost farewell. he owes her that much.
shaken with a mix of emotions--some without classification---he's standing on the doorstep in his suit and coat, the time beforehand having faded into a blur, as he's unsure what transpired after he decided. he waits eagerly on that doorstep, and the folds of the trench coat bend to the contours of his arms as he reaches out to knock.
yet now that he's here, he realizes that there's a tentativeness. it fumbles with the certainty(???) of his decision earlier. and he realizes that he just can't.
after a multitude of time has passed, and his arm has been outstretched towards the door, he finally commands himself to turn around--