Pride month is always hard for me because I have such a complicated relationship with my sexuality and identity. I'm not that proud of it because it changes so much and I never know what to call myself because unlabeled is a label in itself and how I feel changes all the time. Polyamorous is the only term I feel sure of and that one isn't very accepted by the community anyways. I don't have much experience with guys or girls and I'm constantly wondering if I'm lying to myself. Everyone seems so happy now that it's pride month but It just reminds me that I have no idea what I'm doing. It almost makes me sad because I feel like I don't actually like girls sometimes even though the thought of never dating one devastates me and I have had crushes on them before and with guys it's hard because I hate them so fast but I crave the type of attention I get from them. And as someone who is not cisgender it's even worse because that changes all the time and I never know what to tell people because I don't get dysphoria ever. At this time of year It just sucks to be so confident in everything else but then feel like such an alien when I'm supposed to feel the most included.
Has anyone seen The O.C? Season four first episode where Ryan goes to that fight club because he's so broken up over Marissa. If you haven't, you should have because The O.C's class.
Anyway my point was that gave me inspiration for this.
Blaine boxes obviously so I was thinking imagine if while Kurt was furious and heartbroken because of Mr Lighthouse boy, Blaine started going to this club where he always asks for huge opponents to fight because he knows he'll lose and he feels like getting beaten up is the punishment he deserves for hurting Kurt.
It's just a very angst drabble I guess, feat. Tina.
Fighter.
Punch.
Punch.
Blaine winced as he smacked the floor of the ring, tasting the blood that poured out of his nose, his eye swelling shut. He dragged himself to his feet and aimed a return punch at the larger man, but it barely made him wince, and he punched Blaine once more in the face and again in the ribs, causing him to slam onto the floor again.
"Ok enough of this." Blaine felt himself dragged to his feet. His mouth was full of his own sour blood, and he spat it on to the floor, glancing up at George, the guy who owned the club. "You're out, Anderson."
"I wab to carry ob." Blaine's speech was slurred from swelling and blood, and George shook his head.
"Have you got a death wish, kid?" He snapped. "Go home, clean up and don't come back here for at least three days."
Blaine sighed, but the sheer pain in his face and ribs meant the ache in his heart was beginning to subside. He limped out of the ring and into the changing room, wincing at his swollen, blackened face.
-
"Blaine this has to stop." Tina snapped, as Blaine limped into the choir room, pulling his hat further down so it shaded the hideous bruise that patterned his left eye and cheekbone.
"I appreciate your concern Tina but it really isn't any of your business what I do." Blaine replied, teeth gritted as he lowered himself onto a chair, wincing as his ribs screamed with every movement.
"It is our business when you turn up to Glee club looking like an extra from a damn zombie movie!" Tina snapped, "we all agree you've...you're not coping and I know it's hard, I went through a break up but you're destroying yourself."
"Well I deserve it!" Blaine snapped. "Kurt trusted me with his heart. He doesn't trust, but he trusted me and I completely broke it, his heart and everything that came with it and I deserve to be punished for what I did. He won't pick up my calls or answer my texts or emails or letters so I have no choice but to find another way to make myself pay for what I did."
"By doing this?" Tina screeched back. "By going to that stupid, stupid club way out in Westerville and getting into the ring with guys twice your size?"
Blaine blanched. "How do you know where I've been?"
"Last night Sam and Artie followed you in the car." Tina admitted, letting out a breath. She saw Blaine was about to explode, so she carried on. "We're worried sick about you, Blaine. You turn up to school looking like you've done ten rounds with Lennox Lewis, and you barely eat and you won't talk and you barely even show up to Glee."
"You had no right! It's my life and-"
"I was terrified!" Tina yelled, tears beginning to run down her cheeks. "I am terrified!" She was breathing like she'd been running, like the words had been trying to escape from her for weeks.
There was silence for several moments before Blaine broke it.
"I don't know what to do." Blaine whispered. "I feel...I feel empty and broken and miserable and guilty and lonely all the time and I just don't know what to do. I figured a way to take care of the guilt was to go to the club and find the biggest guy I could to beat the shit out of me."
"Why did you think that would make it better, Blaine?" Tina asked gently, and Blaine shrugged.
"Last time I got ten shades of shit beaten out of me, I felt numb for months." Blaine replied. "I thought numb was bad, until this year I realised pain was ten times worse. And yeah, the fighting just...made me hurt so much on the outside it kind of dulled what I'm feeling inside."
"Why didn't you talk to one of us?" Tina asked, her eyes beseeching. Blaine shrugged again and winced.
"I tried." He sighed. "I guess just whenever I needed to talk, no one was really there to listen. I just...I want..." He trailed off. Both of them knew what he wanted.
Who he wanted, and who still wouldn't answer his calls or texts.
"Just promise me you'll stop." Tina said sharply. "It's not the answer. I'll help you find the answer to make the pain stop, but this isn't it, Blaine."
Blaine nodded, but deep down he wasn't sure if he could stop. Not while Kurt was hurting from the pain he knew he'd caused. And not while Blaine was hurting so badly he could barely breathe.
