Welcome to the London Awards...
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’m Damon Rutherford and together with lovely Ophélie Redgrave, I’ll be your host this evening. Welcome to the first annual London Awards, and those of you who came as a plus one, take a good look at your surroundings, it might be the first time you saw an inside of a concert hall. Some of you look as out of place here as Laurent St. Pierre in the Most Successful Man category.”
“Seriously though, really wonderful to see you all tonight at the Royal Albert Hall. We have some impressive people on our guest list. Our beloved Chief Whip, Spencer Berkeley, has scored the most amount of awards this year. Evidently, he has started to bully people for votes outside of the parliament building now. One of his many nominations is the Most Handsome Man. Which is why, St. Catherine’s ophthalmologists have graciously agreed to sponsor free eye exams this year. Please find the voucher underneath your seats. You’re welcome.”
“Cece and Charlene Hathaway are here – they have been successfully expanding their Vixen franchise in London, and Eleanor Shipley is here, too, who had her newest, box-office-topping movie come out recently. But neither of them are up for the most successful woman award tonight, instead we have an ex-cop and a med school dropout in the category. Congratulations, Évelyne and Viktorya, well deserved.”
“Adriana Amaro is nominated for the biggest Maneater this year. Between the men whose souls she’s crushed and an entire army of Lara Rutherford’s simps, two of my sisters could join forces and win back independence for a small country somewhere, but instead, they might win a suit at a hotel owned by their brother, where they can stay for free on any other 364 nights. Amazing, I know.”
“The most senior nominee this year is Arkady Kurylenko, at 64 years old,” Moving away from the center of the stage, Damon turned towards the direction where the Russian was sitting, and addressed him loudly, “IM TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOU’RE UP FOR A NOMINATION MR. KURYLENKO.”
“Speaking of seniors, you may have noticed Spencer and Gideon are up for the biggest bromance, whilst Nora and I are in the running for the best female/male friendship. Somewhere in English countryside, a 90-year-old Berkeley and a 95-year-old Rutherford probably died from a stroke. We’re sorry.” Damon paused for a second, referring to the age-old feud between the two big families, “But if that wasn't bad enough, people seem to want Gideon and Nora to date. That’ll really push them into their not-so-early graves.”
"Oh...dating, what a lovely concept. Except for the French who are so terrible at it, that they had to recycle a couple all the way from Porto Velho to have a representation for the Best Couple category. Congratulations, Mrs and Mr Aurélie St. Clair. Please, if you lose, don't murder anyone on your way out, Oliver, those carpets stain quite easily."
“Gideon Rutherford is here. I don’t have a joke about him, I just thought viewers should take a good look at his face and be reminded of their mistake with the Most Handsome category... Which was obviously not nominating his better-looking younger brother. But then again, you people voted for Brexit, can you really be trusted with a simple ballot? I don’t think so.”
“I know, some of you will say, ‘but Damon, you’ve been asked to be the host, and that’s the highest award there is’, but look at my co-host. A psychotic, drug addicted trainwreck who might be arrested on her way to the afterparty for possession and cannibalism, so I'm not sure what this says about me. Love you, babe.” Turning to Ophélie, Damon quickly planted a kiss on her head, playing along to their ‘should be couple’ nomination.
“I’m afraid my speech is getting older than Johnathan Parsons’s last girlfriend, so let’s get this night going, and move onto our first category, shall we? Remember, you should think of yourselves as winners. Not all of you, but the ones who’ll win the awards tonight. There are no participation trophies in Britain. We’re not in America anymore. But before we get to our first category, my lovely co-host has a few words to share…”
