#operation eggpop

[delcat177]

[delcat177]

I realized burning all of my old underwear symbolically would be some kind of biohazard with the elastic and all, but I claimed the right to throw on my worst pair.  I call the ensuing photo “Goodbye Little Sebuttsian”.

I give all right to the public domain for people to use this to troll annoying fucks asking for hot lingerie pics, although this is probably someone’s fetish so be aware you’re rolling the dice

[delcat177]

I was tired last night and need to clarify some points about the ventpost I made:

--If you assumed I was getting a hysterectomy because I was trans, that’s not any kind of failing, it’s just logic.  There’s a hell of an Occam’s Razor there.  The main point of making the post was because my story has become so internalized as opposed to the other stories people are building for themselves with best guesses and logic that I realized not only must other people be confused, I was confused, and I felt the need to talk it out.  I am extremely sorry if I came off as at all judgey about it, that was not my intention at all.

--I also didn’t want to downplay hysterectomies gotten for gender reasons at all, and I’m afraid I might have done that, I’m not sure.  To underline, getting a procedure for “medical” reasons and getting procedures for gender are completely, totally, equally valid and important.

I’m doing a hell of a lot better after finally getting some rest without nightmares, and I’m going to take it easy today.  I love you all <3

[delcat177]

Operation Eggpop: Divergent roads to common destinations

So I wanted to talk a little about the operation, and more specifically while I had it, because I only realized in the months between posting that I was getting and the surgery that people apparently don’t know why I was getting it.  Or rather, they assumed why, and it was a fair assumption to make, but it wasn’t the right one: I didn’t get a hysterectomy because I’m trans.  I got a hysterectomy because of severe medical problems entirely unrelated to gender.  Both of these are completely valid reasons to have one, but it’s kind of a weird, uncomfortable situation to be in, and I guess I just wanted the whole thing down in one place.

I had my first cyst when I was either 15 or 16, I can never remember which year was the eye surgery and which year was the PCOS diagnosis.  Even before I had a confirmed cyst, my ovaries were fucking with me--my PCOS comes with an enzymatic disorder that was the source of my uncontrollable food cravings and fatigue up to that point.  I went to doctor after doctor who told me I needed to eat less and exercise more.  It turned out I couldn’t digest sugars, and once I was put on metformin, my energy was normal again for my first time since childhood.

It wasn’t under control, though.  I wasn’t diagnosed with PMDD until a few years back, tracking against my birth control to realize that the goddammned mess that tanked my energy, dropped the bottom out of my depression and anxiety meds, and threw me into at least one suicidal sobbing low could not only be tracked to a calendar, but that it spanned a week and a half, not the single day I was condensing it down into.  Oh yeah, and the pain.  Let’s...let’s just not talk about the pain.  It was bad.  

I was floored.  I’d been suffering through all that for years under the impression it was normal.  I had always daydreamed about having everything taken out because it was so bad, but I hadn’t know that 1) that wasn’t the usual experience and 2) it was even remotely feasible.  As soon as Marybeth started implying it could be done, I started pursuing it.  I’ve been actively fighting for this for over three years now, and when I first started posting about it, I was just barely identifying as dual.  Being trans was actually a realization I had when they changed the birth control I was on to try to stabilize it (they did this something like four times, it never worked) and it shifted how I was able to look at myself.  

So...why all this?  Because I feel like people missed the point, including my own doctor, and that makes me anxious and upset.

Needing this operation wasn’t about me being trans.  It definitely did not make me any more trans, or any less trans.  But my body dysmorphia is limited strictly to what I don’t have, and that’s another discussion entirely.  So it disturbs me that in retrospect, I’m pretty sure the only reason I was finally granted the surgery...is because I’m trans.  My new OBGYN is entirely trans-friendly, and I wish the world could see her, but I was so excited at getting it signed off on at the time that I put aside a remark that’s been chewing at me since then:

“You don’t need these organs, let’s get them out.”

Granted, that was couched in “you’re not having a baby” and the main reason she stated she wanted to do this was that them making me suicidal, but I don’t want any of my organs viewed as should have/should not have on the basis of gender.  I wasn’t getting them removed because I was trans.  It was not a factor.  I was getting them removed because they were killing me.  Which begs the question: Would I have gotten the surgery if I had chosen to stay hidden?  How deep does the imprinting go, and what are the flaws in trying to flip it entirely, even in the best of intentions?

Another thing that surprised me was annoyance from some of my friends when I talked about being scared that I was going to die on the table.  There’s a pervading jealousy, one of my friends admitted as much, and I don’t deny anyone the right to feel that, because I’d be an asshole if I told someone not to feel what they felt.  At the same time, though, I felt like I wasn’t being able to feel what I felt because it was making other people uncomfortable.  I was terrified for weeks before the operation and couldn’t sleep at all the last two days, but I was afraid of hurting someone by flaunting privilege.

I’m still scared.  I have an underlying constant worry that my stitches are going to pop or I’ll get infected or something.  I know it’s not founded, but I’ve always been an anxious person, and it’s wearing.  Much more than that, I’m scared that this won’t have been a solution or even good idea, and that the nightmare isn’t over, that it’s one more “sorry you wanted things to change”, or that I made it worse.

But again, I don’t feel good talking about it.  And that’s a very frustrating and confusing place to be.  If it had been literally any other organ removal, I wouldn’t be trying to figure this out right now.  It’d be a quality of life surgery and I’d be on an even keel discussing it.  But because it overlaps a surgery people need for a different kind of quality of life, I’m stuck on the opposite side of clear glass that skews views for both parties.

All of this would have been easier if it had been a gallbladder or something, because somehow we managed to assign politics to organs.  First people assumed I didn’t have a problem because I was a fat girl, then assumed I didn’t have a problem because I was an emotional girl, then assumed I didn’t want what I wanted because I was a woman and would want babies, and finally assumed I wanted what I wanted because I was a man.  This isn’t something that should be happening in medical communities.

I’m  trans.  My medical conditions aren’t.

I’m sorry, I’m just very tired of fighting at this point.

[delcat177]

I feel like I need to be 10000% positive about this operation because I feel guilty that I got it when other people who also need it can't so I cut out several weeks of morbid terror and was going to continue ignoring continued fear and post-surgery depression and then had a moment of clarity about that being one of the huge problems in my life So yeah I'm out of it right now and going a little nuts waiting for a sign any of this was worth it, that's a thing that's happening and it's ok to say that Sorry if it's not

[delcat177]

It was a good cartoon ok

Delcat: There is not a hotline to call to authorize having my headache shut off like a water line, and that's why I don't have the number. There is also no number to take care of the elephant because there isn't any elephant, that was a Sylvester and Porky cartoon.

[delcat177]

I had a nightmare about being in a Fleischer brothers propaganda cartoon, complete with a poor attempt at coloration leaving everything washed out and lots of axes and knives that aren't at all comically huge when you're personally involved. Then it was a nightmare about someone who thought he was Santa kidnapping me into.his cult to hand-deliver presents in real time. My yelling that it wasn't even November was ignored. Now it's swarms of stitchworm enormous enough to chew through houses to infect people, which...you know, it's awful, but at least it also sounds awful in a relatable sense. I'll take it. Santa. Santa Claus stole my wallet. That BASTARD.

[delcat177]

The card reads CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE RETIRING (YOUR UTERUS) I have the best family, hands down @qglas @rubyredfeathers @smegolas