#ophelinha

[butchfirefaerie]

my sweet (?) buglet

[butchfirefaerie]

does anyone want to see how many neopets i can have whose names start with O and end in A

[butchfirefaerie]

are you a good faerie, or a bad faerie?

[vontadelivre]

Se a vida, que é tudo, passa por fim, como não hão-de passar o amor e a dor, e todas as mais coisas que não são mais que partes da vida?

Fernando Pessoa

[ophelinhap]

Roller coasters

I have always been scared of roller coasters. Not scared like I am when it comes to blood: the kind of scared that makes you want something so badly, yet being afraid of reaching out and touching it. I would be amusingly scared when looking at them, quite preoccupied queuing from them (after much talking and debating with myself the pros and cons of wanting something so badly, yet being so terrified), kinda anxious seating in the wagon, nauseous at the beginning, in tenterhooks after the first, tentative, easy part of the ride, utterly horrified while going up, up, up. But in going down the magic would happen: the fear would mingle with excitement and together they would explode, leaving me ever so light, so ethereal, so close to the sky that I would only have to stretch my arm in order to touch the stars. leaving me with the estranged, morbid wish that death could be something like that, leaving all your fears behind and getting lighter and lighter and lighter reaching for the clouds, mingling with them, dissolving into them. Not a farewell but just a goodbye, not an ending but a transformation. Anyway, I found out I had never really been on a roller coaster when I first met you, and my gut instinct (it’s always the guts) told me to run as fast as I could, but there I stayed, dumbstruck. I had to stay, as simple as that, even when my staying was just a redundant, empty gesture, my self-esteem a new born lamb sacrificed to the altar of your vanity. I had to stay, even when you were running my bare soul in the spin cycle, and I was freefalling. It wasn’t falling in love, it was falling from it and through it, far away from any possible state of grace, sailing through tough days and breath taking moments, loneliness and completeness, utter misery and thorough bliss. (Breath and guts, it was always a question of breath and guts) You were my own roller coaster. It was by far the scariest, the bumpiest, the wildest ride of all. The triple jump of my guts, the sheer vitality, the blindness, the elation, the enchantment, the sheer frustration gave my fall from grace a certain dignity, a sobriety, a solemnity, a feeling of unavoidability.

Now I am left with a ball of thread made of words, our words (elated, smitten, besotted. Who knew the English language could be so enthralling).

And I am still lost for words, and I am still catching my breath. And I am still falling.

[ophelinhap]

Moonstruck

This one goes to you, as always. For all the reasons you know so well, and for all the reasons you will never know. Have been walking barefoot stark naked moonstruck quite besotted amidst the dew your kiss lingering on my lips burning centuries of unintelligible unutterable desire no direction no possession no present no future - no clue, to be honest forever held hostage in this no man’s land of things past and regrets. I had lost myself and found you. My mystery lies in my eternal absence my not being here, hic et nunc My bare body a shrine to things I have long forgotten My secret lies in the untold My secret inhabits me

[ophelinhap]

Alice and the maze

There once was a girl. I wrote this poem more than a year ago, thinking about a little girl who liked to get lost in woods and was craving for adventures. Thinking about a little girl who was longing to grow up and fall in love. A little girl who was too curious for her own good, too brave for her own sake. This girl has now grown up to find out she's not Alice and there's not such a place like Wonderland. Unluckily. Luckily, this doesn't prevent one from trying to find it, anywhere, at all costs. Alice and the maze I was little Alice and you were the maze. I tried to break in - wanted to get lost, never to be found. There was no key the maze was sound-proof double-glazed. There was a bowl of ice-cream for a ravenous child - a scrumptious sight for sore eyes. You were the silver spoon the table so tall - I was too small. I could just break down and cry out of anger and exhaustion. You were a blue cool lake so far away. I tried to reach out to you - the harder I tried, the further you moved away. Besides, I couldn’t swim, nor dive. You spoke a language I could not understand. You were telling me stories and you wouldn’t translate. I was bored and fed up - needed to be entertained. I cried out of sheer loneliness. You just faded away. You were the White Rabbit I met you in the dark I tried to catch up with you You were running so fast Always looking at your funny turnip pocket watch - never looking at me. I tried to call you but I had no voice - there and then you were gone. You were the Mad Hatter giving a tea party. I was so thirsty but you said it didn’t matter. You said you were no judge but there you were assessing me dismissing me shrugging me off - I was no good. I would have cared for a cupcake. You told me, child don’t bother love is not easy game to play not even in Wonderland and lies are no currency not even in Wonderland. I cried out of guilt loneliness and abandonment - more invisible than a pale ghost. You were the Cheshire cat whimsical look quixotic smile - eyes wider and wilder than life. I felt kinda obnoxious but all the same besotted. I read you a poem you said, little girl, you’re just a child you’ll never know better and love is not easy game not even in Wonderland. I tore my notebook in pieces and cried my eyes out. You were the Queen of Hearts - frozen pale eyes, algid grin. I bowed and sang you a song trying so hard to please you said, little girl, don’t bother love is not easy game to play not even in Wonderland leave my kingdom of broken hearts or else I’ll smash yours. My feet were sore My mind was numb Nowhere to go. I cried out of randomness, a ragged bum. We were sitting in the grass and there was chilled wine. My favorite word was “complicated” yours were “never mind”. You said, don’t drink little girl - it will not help you grow up nor older nor wiser. I am sorry I have judged you - that’s just how it goes. You were snotty and curious you wanted to be beguiled. Well that’s Wonderland for you - you were not invited and love is not easy game not even in Wonderland. Take a sip and forget - take it from me, you’ll never come back. I cried out of sheer rejection - was that my reflection in your iridescent eyes? I am such a mess. I was little Alice and you were the maze. The locket was empty the moon was pale white the pages were torn the glass was half drunk - I was just so tired. I wanted to get lost - so I sat there and waited and waited and waited to find a way to get into you. Love is not easy game to play not even in Wonderland and moonlights are heartaches in disguise