#or rational

[corvusregards]

Who's hating on female muses now wtf guys do we not have enough fucking bullshit going on in the world jfc get over yourself and deep throat a spike

[argentrenard]

[mother-of-houseplants-2]

another stupid ugly terrible gross feeling that makes me feel like a bad person is feeling angry about people who never heard me when i told them about my abuse.

i’m not talking about teachers who ignored concerning essays or friends who laughed off complaints about parents as just silly preteen angst. no no no. it’s worse than that. sicker, meaner. angrier.

when i was 19, my parents had cps called on them because my little sister had a child abuse seminar at school and told her teacher that we had both been abused. i came home for spring break and there was a letter at the door. we were all in panic mode because my sister had broken the cardinal rule: you never tell anyone, ever.

i grew up trying to protect her. shield her. it kills me to this day that my parents put their hands on her the second i wasn’t there to take their anger out on anymore, the second i left. i felt like a monster; still do sometimes. i lay awake at night thinking about it. i abandoned my baby. i left her and she got hurt. i’ll never forgive myself.

when this all was going down, i tearfully texted my two friends. both of them had had their run-ins with cps as children. embarrassingly, i resented them for this too: that they got help and i didn’t. that the angry men in their houses went away and mine didn’t. that someone came and decided to protect them and help them and no one did that for me.

this is besides the point. it is another feeling i feel guilty about.

this happened so long ago, but i still can’t get over how callous their responses were. it was so… minimizing. don’t worry, it takes a lot for parents to get in trouble. nothing will probably come of it. and then - a change of topic.

as though, because no one stepped in when i was a child, what i went through couldn’t have been as bad as what they did. as though, because my mother never left my father, what he did couldn’t have been as terrible as what theirs did. as though, because i acted so put together and was able to do well in school and never went to therapy, my trauma couldn’t have been as bad as theirs. as though it wasn’t “a lot.” not enough.

i had this horrible moment - alone, barely an adult, terrified that my parents would lose custody of my sister and i would have to drop out of college to raise her - when i realized that no one could hear me. i was in this hole where all i could see was the way i was raised, and all anyone else could see was the top of my head, neatly combed, and they thought everything was okay. what’s more, they didn’t want to hear me. because then i wouldn’t be ami, who gets to be relatively normal. i would be ami, who was also abused.

and it’s not fair because they were also 19 and lonely and reeling from their own traumas. but i am angry about it now. i shouldn’t be; it’s stupid! irrational! dumb! it doesn’t matter anymore!

but doesn’t it though?

because i stopped texting as much after that. it wasn’t even a conscious choice. i just… felt so hurt and betrayed that i disengaged a little bit. and then a little more. and a little more. and a little more…

i text these old friends once every few months now. i wish them a happy birthday, a merry christmas. i don’t know what’s going on in their lives, who their friends are, how they feel about their new haircuts. i miss them, i miss their potential to be good friends to me, but i don’t miss feeling unheard. i don’t miss feeling uncared for.

but i miss them anyway. and i’m still so fucking mad.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

oh, and of course, my parents told us to lie. nothing did come of the cps investigation after all.

[etherian-affairs]

Source on Evil being more efficient than Good:

I'm a political scientist and that's just the horrible truth everyone in the field lives with.

[kensenoue]

Im afraid to wear different colored striped things like what if someone thinks I'm not what I am

[urlfromhell-blog1]

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[train-heartnet-xiii]

vintage-mechanics replied to your post: “before someone claims I’ve done stuff that’s illegal because I posted...”:

An actual lawyer needs to sit down with her, and tell her its illegal. Then an officer needs to tell her she can get fined and face jail time. Then her parents need to find out where they went wrong raising her.

seriously. altho there’s a chance due to something like narcissistic personality disorder or ASPD even that wouldn’t convince her or she just wouldn’t care.