how bad are you?
part 3 of the how bad? series
pairing: rolfö!reader (orosmoln) summary: the return of an ex and whole lot of trouble completely disrupts your life in Spain warnings: angst, allusion to abuse
“You fucking bitch.”
Your face was now level with Lena’s in the sheer fury in her face was honestly enough to at least mildly terrify you. Pulling your chin out of her grip and stepping back, you took a moment to just look at her. Her dark hair cascaded down her shoulders and her hazel eyes were ignited with a fire that at any other time you would find attractive. If you had been struck with amnesia and forgotten all of what she said and did to you, you might’ve fallen in love with her all over again. But you had your memory and you could remember. All you felt was a mixture of fear, confusion, and anger.
“Lena?” The disbelief in your tone sounded pathetic, even to your own ears.
“Don’t ‘Lena’ me,” she mocked, her voice raising. “You left me in Sweden without a word and all you can say is my name?” Lena scoffed at you. “I suppose I should be glad that you even remember my name at all. Especially after that post of yours with that Spanish slut.”
Your tempers flared at Lena’s last comment. “Her name is Sofia, don’t call her that!”
“Or what, y/n? What are you going to do?”
Lena was a horrible person but you had dated her for a long time. Hockey was an aggressive sport and you liked it that way. You were built and everyone thought that meant you were aggressive as well. But you weren’t and Lena knew that. You were still just a kid and no matter how much you hated her, you wouldn’t touch her. Not like she had touched you. It didn’t stop you from desperately wanting to wipe the smirk off her face when you couldn’t give her a response.
“God, you’re pathetic!” Lena said before her eyes flickered to something behind you. Her face morphed slightly with what appeared to be angry tears appearing in her eyes. “Cheating on me is one thing, y/n, but running away to Spain without having the decency to give me an explanation is another. It’s cowardly. And then trying to gaslight me into thinking I'm the problem.”
Your mouth was open in shock. “Lena, what are you–”
“Is that why you said you weren’t sorry the two of you had broken up?” you heard your sister say from behind you. You turned around to see a small group of the Barcelona players standing in the doorway. Alexia, Mapi and Ingrid looked upset with you, Vicky and Jana looked shocked, but what broke you was the mix of fury and disappointment in Frido’s expression.
“Frido I–” You didn’t have the chance to explain before Frido was stalking back into Alexia’s apartment. You looked at Vicky who was still shocked and then at Alexia who shook her head slightly before pulling Vicky behind her and closing the door on you. That simple action hurt more than you’d care to admit. “Are you happy now?” you said angrily as you turned back to Lena.
The girl simply smiled at you before taking a step closer. “You don’t have anyone other than me, y/n. Never have, never will. You need me.”
“That’s not true,” you insisted through gritted teeth but the statement was weak. It was clear you didn’t believe your own words.
Lena hummed. “Lie to yourself all you want. I’ll be here when you realise you’re wrong. You know where to find me.” And just like that she turned away and left, leaving you stuck and dumbfounded in the hallway. You couldn’t go back into Alexia’s apartment – she’d made it clear you weren’t welcome there – and anyone else in the squad that you knew was in said apartment, probably hating you as much as you hated yourself. You didn’t want to be in Frido’s apartment when she eventually came back so that was out of the question. The only option you could see was someone from your own team but you didn’t know any of them well enough apart from…
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Sofia’s apartment was about a ten minute walk from yours/Frido’s apartment complex. You knew it was definitely not safe for you to be wandering around alone at that time of the night in a city you didn’t really know, but you were also fairly certain that, after recent events, no one would really care if anything happened to you.
It was almost midnight when you showed up at Sofia’s door, knocking on the wood in the hopes that she was still awake. The door opened shortly after your knock, the brunette appearing in the doorway wearing grey sweatpants and a black tank top. You stood there for a moment, in a bit of a haze before shaking your head.
“I’m sorry,” you said. “I didn’t know where else to go.” Sofia took one short look at you before opening the door wider for you to enter.
“I’m sorry,” you continued once you were through the door. “I was out of line today, you were just trying to be a good friend but I– I can’t– I don’t– it’s like, just—”
“y/n, stop.” You ramblings were halted at her words. She sighed as she took in your frazzled form. This was nothing like the quiet and tough hockey player she’d gotten to know, who she’d just been with a few hours earlier. “Just sit.” Heeding her instruction, you sat down on Sofia’s couch, your body tenser than she had ever seen it before.
“Nubarrón,” she said softly, wincing when you visibly flinched at her light touch on your shoulder.
“I know you have every reason to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” she admitted. “I am a little upset but I do not need to know what happened right now. I need to know you are okay. Are you?”
Part of you just wanted to say that you were okay and apologise for wasting her time before making an excuse to leave. But you were so tired, so drained, that you felt your defences crumbling the second your eyes met hers. You shook your head as your body deflated a little, shoulders slumping while you let out a shaky breath.
“What do you need, amor?” she whispered, rubbing circles into your back.
“I don’t know,” you whispered back.
Both of you sat in silence for a few moments, your body relaxing only slightly when your brain realised Sofia was not a threat to you. The air was quiet, only interrupted by the distant sound of a car driving by every once in a while.
“Do you want to stay here tonight?” Sofia asked, breaking the silence.
“Do you want me here?” You turned to look at her, your eyes betraying the insecurity you so deeply felt in the depths of your soul. No one else wanted you around. Why would she?
“Ven conmigo,” she said as she stood up from the couch, taking your hand in hers so you could follow. Hesitantly, you got up as well, allowing Sofia to lead you through her apartment until you got to what appeared to be the girl’s bedroom. “Are you okay sleeping in that or do you want to borrow something else?” she asked, going to open the door to her wardrobe.
“This is fine,” you said, making to go back into the living room.
“Where are you going?” Sofia questioned, quickly moving to stand in your way.
“I’m going to sleep on the couch?” you said, your tone unsure.
“Idiota… la sofá… ¿qué voy a hacer contigo?” the Spaniard muttered while placing a hand on your chest to push you further into her room. “You are sleeping here tonight.”
You looked at the bed and then at Sofia. “But where will you sleep?
“Here,” she stated, growing more impatient. “Just… get into the bed, okay?” You did, and Sofia was quick to follow. But she still clearly wasn’t satisfied. “y/n?”
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing?” She turned her head to face you.
“I’m sleeping in your bed.”
“If you were sleeping, you wouldn’t be lying like a plank of wood so close to the edge of the bed that you might fall off.”
“Oh.” You shuffled closer to Sofia, your arms now just barely touching hers but your eyes were still fixed on the ceiling above you. All you could think about was how quickly such a good day had turned into such a disaster. With your snapping at Sofia, your argument with Lena, and all the consequences it had on your social life in Spain, you didn’t know what to think.
“What’s going on in your head?” Sofia asked as her hand grazed your wrist beneath the covers of the bed. You shook your head and sunk further into the blankets so your face was in line with hers. “We can sleep, if that’s what you need.” You nodded, which Sofia took as a signal to turn off the lamp on her nightstand.
“Good night, y/n.”
“Buenas noches, Sofia.”
You couldn’t see her smile in the darkness of the room but you knew you must have done something right when she kept her hand resting on your arm.
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When morning came, you realised you’d woken up a lot later than usual (7:30 am) and in a very different position than what you’d gone to sleep in. Sofia had her face tucked into your neck, your right arm was slung over her waist, and your legs had somehow tangled with hers in the middle of the night. Releasing a light groan, you rolled over away from her, fumbling around to find your phone on the nightstand next to you. You were both surprised and annoyed to see the messages on your screen.
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Seeing Mac’s messages made you feel weird. Didn’t she know what happened last night? Had no one told her? You frowned when you read the messages from Lena which had clearly been sent when she’d gotten back to her own hotel room. Sofia had been the one to take you in when no one else had. So Lena had to be wrong. Right?
“¿Quién es esa?” Sofia mumbled from beside you, her head moving to rest on your shoulder while she peered at your screen.
“No one,” you replied, switching the phone off and letting it drop back onto the nightstand. Sofia leaned back, trying to gauge how you were feeling, how far she was willing to push. Turns out, it wasn’t that far.
“What do you want for breakfast?” she asked, getting out of the bed. You were in a bit of a haze watching her move around her room, hair lightly tousled from sleep. It felt natural, waking up in her room, watching from her bed as she got ready for the day. But you didn’t know why and that scared you. “y/n?” she said, catching your attention again, not that it had ever left her.
“Hm? Oh, it’s fine, I’m just gonna drop by home and grab some things–”
“And go where?” Sofia took a deep breath. “I don’t know what happened last night, nubarrón, but for you to come to me…”
“I’ll figure something out,” you grunted, pulling yourself out from under the covers.
“y/n,” Sofia said helplessly as you got out of her bed and walked straight out of the room.
“Thanks for letting me stay,” you mumbled with your hand on the door handle to Sofia’s apartment. The regret filled you with each movement you made; opening the door, walking through it, and closing it behind you without a second glance back.
Once you were outside the apartment, you stood in place as you tried to figure out where to go next. Frido was at a media thing for the Barcelona team so the apartment would be empty, meaning you were free to grab some things. The walk back to that apartment block felt heavy, even if you weren’t expecting to interact with anyone. And opening the door to your own apartment, or rather Frido’s, felt even worse. You shook your head. You’d never truly relied on anyone when you were back in Sweden so why did that have to change in Spain? The apartment looked mostly the same as when you’d left it, barring a few things which had clearly been shuffled around by your sister as she got ready for the day. It only took you around ten minutes to shove a few belongings into your bag, locate your hockey gear before leaving to go to the place of the one person who apparently didn’t hate you as much as everyone else in your life.
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“y/n?” a gruff voice asked as she opened the door to her apartment.
“Hey, Mac,” You greeted with an awkward smile. “Can I crash here for a bit?”
“Yeah, no problem, mate,” she replied, opening the door and taking your hockey bag from your hands to bring inside.
“Who’s there, baby?” you heard an unfamiliar voice ask from Mac’s phone. The Irish woman looked down at the screen and you realised she was on FaceTime with her girlfriend.
“It’s y/n, darlin’,” Mac replied to her. “I told ye about her, Frido’s sister.”
“Is she okay?” You would be lying if you said a part of you didn’t appreciate Alessia’s concern for you, despite the two of you having never met before.
Mac glanced up at you and you could only offer a weak smile in response which she immediately didn’t believe. “I’ll, uh, call you back soon, Less,” she said looking back at her screen. “I love ye.” You took the opportunity to flop down onto Mac’s couch, your face buried in the cushions.
“I love you too, baby.” Mac ended the call and walked over to you. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she awkwardly asked.
“Not really,” you answered, peeking up at her.
“Grand, want some food then?” You sat up on the couch and nodded, remembering that you hadn’t had breakfast after declining Sofia’s offer.
“You don’t know, do you?” you questioned her as she handed you a bowl of cereal.
“Know what?” she mumbled, taking a bite of her breakfast.
“About what happened at Alexia’s last night.”
Mac shrugged. “I thought it was weird when you didn’t come back but I thought you’d just gone home to sleep.” She took another bite of cereal as she considered you. Usually, you held yourself tall, not simply out of confidence and because you were just that tall, but also because it helped you feel stronger and tougher than you believed you were. But you weren’t like that today. You were curled in on yourself like you were trying to hide away from the rest of the world. “That isn’t what happened?”
“Do you want to hear it?” you asked, a little quieter than you’d meant to.
“If you want to talk, I can listen.” Mac gave you a small smile and you couldn’t help but think about how when she finally hung up her boots years from now, she’d make a damn good coach. So you took a deep breath and told her the whole story, about your outing with Sofia, how you’d snapped at her afterwards, about Lena showing up and her making you seem like a cheater when she was the toxic one, and how everyone else had turned their backs on you when she did it. You left out the details of your relationship with Lena and what exactly had happened in it but it felt good to get it off your chest.
“Feel better after talking ‘bout it?” Mac asked.
“Yeah,” you said. “I just– I don’t get how Frido could take her word over mine. I know I’ve fucked up before, a lot but, I don’t know–”
“Ye thought that you could rely on your sister,” Mac supplied. You nodded, looking at her expectantly. “You’re not the first one to have sister issues, mate. And I’ve been a little messy with my head before as well. It’ll pass.”
“Is that what happened with your sister?” you asked.
Mac shook her head. “But Frido’s different, not like Katie. She’ll come ‘round.”
“Can I still stay here?”
“For sure,” she smiled at you. “If ye ever need anything else, ye can talk to me.”
“Thanks, Mac,” you smiled but your expression quickly fell. “I think they all hate me now.”
Mac moved to put an arm around your shoulder. “Even if they do, and I think they just don’t have the full story, ye have me, alright?”
“Alright.”
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You’d been staying with Mac just over a day when you were finally found by your sister. Mac had been a great roommate, you didn’t make small talk when it wasn’t necessary and she had some of the best snacks you’d ever tasted. But if Spain had taught you one thing, it was that good things never last.
“Where have you been?” Frido demanded the second you opened the door.
You immediately shut down and grunted, “Here.”
“So you’re so ashamed of what you did that you burdened Mac with it all instead.” The rational side of you knew that Frido was just angry and she didn’t mean what she was saying. But the overthinking, anxious side of you won and you couldn’t help but overanalyse her words. Were you really burdening Mac with your presence? Were you the problem?
“I didn’t do anything wrong,” you insisted weakly.
“How bad are you– you cheated on your girlfriend, y/n, do you really think there’s nothing wrong with that?”
“Do you really think I would do that?” you shot back. “Sorry I forgot, you’ve been the most deadbeat sister on the fucking planet for the last decade so you wouldn’t know. At least, Julius and Dani tried to be there. But you were my favourite sister, Frido. The one person I actually wanted to pay attention to me, and you forgot about me the second you had the chance.”
“y/n–” Frido started, her face filled with surprise. But you cut her off before she could say anything else.
“No. I have training. I don’t have time for this.”
You pushed your way past your older sister, training bag in hand, leaving her and possibly your relationship in the dust. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to believe what Mac had said, but a part of you believed that Frido would never understand, at least not in the way you wanted her to.
The events of the last twenty-four hours replayed over and over again in your head as you sat in the Uber on your way to training. Alexia couldn’t even look you in the eye after she heard what Lena said and Vicky hadn’t sent you any Instagram reels all day which didn’t feel like the relief it should have been. When you eventually made it to the training rink and into the changing rooms, your personality was stormier than usual so the team knew not to bother you. Not that they did most of the time anyway.
You ignored Sofia’s considerate glances throughout the day and didn’t say a word to her whenever you found yourselves next to each other. Playing as a centre made it difficult but the lack of communication between the two of you was made up for by Sofia knowing exactly where to be and you knowing exactly where she was. At least hockey hadn’t been fucked up yet.
“y/n, un momento,” your coach, Marco, called from the bench. You skated over, albeit a little slowly so you could mentally prepare yourself for whatever happened next. The rest of your day had been shit so far so you were expecting this conversation to go a similar way.
“Coach,” you greeted as you approached the boards.
Marco smiled at you but you could tell that whatever he wanted to tell you wasn’t completely positive. “I wanted to tell you this myself before you are contacted by your agent… your signing with us here in Spain has attracted attention from other teams and, well, as you know Mataró is not the biggest club there is.”
You stayed silent, emotionless eyes looking at your coach as you waited for him to get to the point.
“What I am trying to say is, other teams are putting together offers to push forward in December and they are big offers. Much bigger than what we offered you. I do not want you to go but the club, the board, they will accept the biggest offer they get.”
Once again, you kept your mouth shut, mulling over the words quickly in your head. “I won’t finish the season here?” Marco shook his head. “I haven’t even started.”
“I know and I am sorry. But this is the board’s decision. There is nothing I can do.”
You wanted to scream at him but you knew the anger would be misguided. It wasn’t the offers or the board’s decision that was making you upset, maybe a little bit. But everything that had happened to you since you had moved to Spain, all of the bad, was compiling and you had pushed it to the bottom of your jar of feelings so that you still appeared as unaffected as always to the world around you. Pushing that onto your coach, who clearly wanted the best for you, was unfair to everyone.
“Okay,” you finally said. “Thank you for letting me know.”
Your captain, Gabriela, gave you a sympathetic smile as you moved to get back to your drills but you ignored it, focusing on the pucks in front of you. As a centre, you were expected to do a little bit of everything and you were good at it. But it also meant your drills were also a little bit of everything so you went through passing, shooting, and defending throughout your training.
It meant that you had to work with every other player on your team a decent amount. However, after hearing what the board intended to do with you, you had to keep reminding yourself not to get too close.
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“There’s nothing we can do?” you asked your agent, Eva, on the phone.
“No, y/n, it’s a board decision and they reserve the right to do that since it was in your contract.” Eva was straight to the point and you liked that about her, so you followed suit and focused on the next steps.
“Do you know what teams are interested?” you questioned with a sigh.
“Puigcerda, a top-level Spanish team has expressed some interest and we’re expecting offers from the WNIHL in England and the PWHL in North America.”
“None in Barcelona?”
“None that you’d be interested in.”
“How do you know what I’d be interested in?”
Eva took a deep breath. “Other than the fact I’ve worked with you for the last few years, I also know you’re too good to be playing for a second league team in a country where this sport isn’t even big. The PWHL could be huge for you, surely you can see that.”
You grunted. “We’ll see when the offers come through. Thanks.” You hung up the call and looked around Mac’s apartment. She was over at Lucy’s apartment and had told you to help yourself to whatever you needed but you couldn’t stop feeling like you were overstaying your welcome. Frido had made her feelings very clear, you didn’t feel comfortable going back to Sofia and asking to stay with her again so that only left one person who’d told you herself that she’d be there.
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“Come to your senses, I see,” she smirked as she opened her door.
“I’m sorry, Lena,” you said, looking down at her but you knew she held the upper hand. Before you could react, Lena was pulling you down by the neck and pressing her lips to yours.
You didn’t stop her.