#otiofad

[steelycunt]

glad that ppl are loving fth but im here to reiterate that i love on the issue of fever and delight and i have loved it for years and i think about it regularly. #1 otiofad lover i dare say

you truly are and i love you for it….if otiofad was a city i would give you the key to it….unfortunately all i have is my heart…and that i give to you too seph….👩🏽‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽 MWAH

[steelycunt]

ridi ridi hiiii !!! how are youuu how was yr dayyy i started mine off by rereading yr otiofad ficc did you know every sentence in it is a masterpiece did you know every word is like worthy of an auditoriumesque applause now yk i wanted to ask you to talk about that particular bit tho (if you wouldn't mind ofc !!) where sirius slams the book shut on an insect bc it's sooo like it's sooo !! it reads like premonition and also like r can't help but be wary of s and s can't help but be just like capable of harm regardless of intention & carelessly and i think it's sooo genius I think yr soooo genius for that and if you have more to say abt what that bit meant to youu + process of writing it + foreshadowing you wanted to get across w it etc. etc. i would be vv interested to hear <333 mwah love you loads xx

hello my lovely omg!!! my day was GOOD actually surprisingly good i am recovering from my illnesses and i played badminton and ate tangerines it was a very content day!! how was yours!! also warning you now in advance i wrote way too long a reply to this. like WAY too long NOBODY needed this im so sorry!! the very final paragraph provides like a little tl;dr you DO NOT need to read the essay that is under the cut!! im so sorry!!

okay firstly the idea that someone would not only read one of my little stories but read it more than once?? crazy actually!! insane!! so glad that it could be a part of ur morning n i would love to talk abt it!! hang on opening it in a new tab rn let me remember what it was i actually wrote huh lol

firstly with the flashback scenes in otiofad in general they had to serve two different purposes. they obviously needed to show the intense love and intimacy between the boys prior to The Incident, in order to juxtapose the post-prank scenes and serve as a marker for measuring the size of the rift in their relationship that its caused (which is why theres lots of kissing and cuddling and cloying monologues in the flashback scenes), but at the same time they had to demonstrate the little parts of their relationship which are a little bit fucked! a little bit unhealthy and obsessive. and they had to portray sirius as a person who has the capacity to do what he ends up doing. i didnt want to accidentally work against myself by over-idealizing their relationship to the point where it became difficult to believe sirius could be so thoughtless as to do what he does. like if ive just made you read fifteen hundred words of him being the Best Boyfriend Ever and then switch to him begging forgiveness for an attempted murder, his character becomes a little disjointed, and i really wanted it to feel like you're consistently reading the same people, just in very different circumstances. so the flashbacks very much needed to stress their intensity rather than their health as a couple.

im definitely roaming beyond the parameters of your question (but i promise it all circles back xx) but some of the sort of. i dont want to say red flag as much as cause for concern moments that i tried to include especially in the flashbacks include for instance: [Sirius says that sort of thing often, and with a confidence that Remus cannot ever fathom. Good god, how he would like to ask Sirius, them or me, that or me, and never fear the answer.] in the first scene, because i think remus' low self-esteem and his insecurity definitely affects their relationship + how he perceives it, which isn't anyone's fault as much as it is just them being young and imperfect like. theyre like sixteen here nobody had it together when they were sixteen right :-/ you have sirius utterly utterly obsessed with being in love with remus declaring that he doesnt want anything else from life and he's. sixteen years old. he's got no idea. like its that sort of rashness and impulsivity when he's speaking and acting which ends up fucking him over :-/

TO GET BACK to the bit you actually asked about (im so sorry for how long this is <3) the part where he closes the book on the spider. i mean honestly ur interpretation in the ask is pretty spot on!! its another one of the little stitches in the flashback scenes that sort of...slightly changes/sobers/brings the tone back down the reality a little, after theyve spent most of the scene cuddling and kissing etc. i'd already sort of tried (and i want to emphasise try at every point in this answer sfdghsh because i am not necessarily claiming that any of this was necessarily successful lol) to show sirius' capacity for being rash and obsessive, and the spider moment was just this tiny act of unnecessary, arguably cruel? violence that was meant to be jarring against the very over-sweet and gentle affection he's just shown remus. and although theyre acts of violence on such different scales, he gives just as much thought to sending snape to the willow as he does to squashing the spider. one of the things about sirius that i love soooo much is his relationship with violence and the way his anger translates into violence and cruelty (which remus mentions in the final scene when he says “You’ve got to stop being the kind of person who hurts people when they’re angry.”). its why hes SO fun to write angry because his anger is so distinctive lol. so the spider moment is just meant to serve as a little reminder of this random, mindless aggression that sirius carries around with him and that exists in tandem with all the affection we've seen him show remus, who starts in surprise when sirius slams the book shut. (i'll let u in on a super little fun (or not) fact that in my head when i was writing it i always drew a little parallel between the twitching insect leg thats left on the page and the similarly uncomfortable sensation of the eyelash that remus feels scratching his own eye immediately afterwards. thats not necessarily meant to come across n i expect it doesnt because i didnt develope the idea...at all...but in my head they were always a little linked teehee like even sirius' smallest acts of violence still have an effect on remus somehow xx)

but yeah!! apologies i didnt think this would be such a long explanation for a simple question fbhsdfhs im very embarrassed by this but like!! in short the spider was another little jarring moment designed to tether the version of sirius you get in the flashback to the version you get in the post-prank scenes, because ultimately he's the same guy with the same flaws both before and after the prank!! there was no reason for him to kill the spider like that and thats why hes so fucked. it was just his instinctive response to seeing it there.

[steelycunt]

just read giovanni's room and oh my god . i don't think im ever . going to recover. i can see it's influence in otiofad, especially w the prose/dialouge and the last scene and christ, sirius' desperation reminds me oh so much of giovanni's and its killing me. in love w ur writing and everything abt it

i need to hear all of ur thoughts/ramblings on giovannis room

hi omg!! thank you!! i'm so glad you enjoyed giovanni's room its fucking devastating right :-/ usually with books that destroy me like that i can only read them once but smthn about gr...its like a car crash i can't look away from i constantly want to reread it. when i used it for the reference in otiofad initially it was just the first name that sprung to mind because it was my current read--i think at first i had something written like 'he's trying to read his copy of [PICK BOOK] aloud' and then i just stuck it in there as a placeholder (also wasn't planning to give otiofad a GR-related title) but actually by the time i'd finished reading it it felt like a surprisingly good fit...definitely as i was writing the end of the fic sirius' behaviour was heavily (if sort of subconsciously) influenced by giovanni and the end of that book...there was something so utterly haunting about giovanni's character that i STILL think about so regularly. and david is such an insane narrator too like he's so terribly consumed by his own shame that he assumes everyone else is just as doomed by their own personal shame as he is and he's wrong, giovanni isnt, and instead its his love for david + david's shame that ends up sealing his fate too and it's just. god :-/

[steelycunt]

So inch resting to me because I agree that Sirius consciously thinking of the consequences and of Remus when he did it would be So Much Worse but in Remus’s little head… I think a part of him would honestly prefer that. Like he would prefer Sirius to hurt him if that means he’s Sirius’s top priority. Like, idk if that’s the dynamic you were going for but it makes sense to me because they’re both uh… a little insane.

oh yeah absolutely. from an outsider’s view it’s obvious that it would be worse for sirius to have thought about him, but absolutely in remus’ horrible head he would rather sirius have him in mind to hurt him than not have him in mind at all. i think the bit where he says:

“You don’t understand. That isn’t better.” At once, Remus feels overwhelmingly short of breath, his lungs drawn tight like fists. “You should’ve thought of me. I wanted you to think of me. I’d rather you—you hate me, than forget about me.”

sort of sums that up—it’s definitely fucked but i just think sirius is the issue on which remus abandons all rationality…and at the end of the day he privately loves sirius’ attention (as an extension of loving to be loved by him) so—he’d prefer negative attention over just not being thought of :-/

[steelycunt]

hey ridi!! would you ever consider writing a little something here similar to what you did after aofgwm for otiofad?? like, the general timeline and stand out moments that bring them properly back together eventually? (totally fine if not, i was just wondering) xxxx

hello babs!! sorry i am late to this--i wanted to keep it in my inbox for a little until the fic had been up for a while (and also until id had some time to think about it aha). under thee cut!!

soo following on from where the fic ended, they've made a bit of progress but still retained some boundaries--sirius is skulking off to sit somewhere else in divination (but remus is turning up); remus is sitting through meals and passing sirius the butter when asked at breakfast, et cetera. on a school year timeline the events of the fic take place around the start of spring, so there's a limited amount of time between a) the detention occurring and b) summer holidays starting.

i don't really have as definite an idea of how + when things pan out as i did with aofgwm, but i think generally for the last few months of fifth year sirius has a lot more grovelling to do :-/ which he knows! he knows n he's behaving himself, although for a while its going to be a bit agonising for them to be in a room alone with each other. the whole canon snape-mudblood-memory incident at the end of fifth year would probably mark a bit of a setback (as in: maybe don't partake in goading the bloke you handed my biggest secret over to for giggles). they're not exactly kissing on the mouth at this point n patience is something sirius has to try very hard at. although obviously their relationship is different, the timeline of them figuring their stuff out isn't dissimilar from what i outlined in response to this ask regarding my other prank fic, of witness testimony.

also! one event i do know is important following otiofad is sirius running away from home during the summer after sixth year (if that's canonically wrong--shame). i'm not necessarily saying that it provokes immediate forgiveness but it does bring them closer and remus feels more inclined to make an effort with communicating with sirius once they return for sixth year and making it clear that he still cares about him, obviously. honestly i just think its a gradual process of sirius slowly being better, and trying to demonstrate that, and remus slowly yielding to this over time. aside from their romantic relationship they have to be able to like. talk to each other first yknow they have to be able to be friends. i don't have a specific idea of when they officially kiss and make up, but i'd put it between september and halloween. like mayb the morning after the moon or something when remus wakes up and sirius is asleep in a chair next to him and he finally sort of thinks hmph :-) i think maybe unfortunately he was right. i think we are in this until we both die, perhaps :-)

[steelycunt]

hi ridi!! I have a question about you version of the prank, or at least about the conversation that came up in the new fic! do you, as an outsider, think it would have been worse if sirius had been thinking of remus while he did what he did or if he hadn’t?

hello babs!! good question!! and don't tell anyone i did this ever, but...i'm siding with sirius on this: i think it would have been worse. there's an argument that if he had thought of remus he wouldn't have done it, which maybe is what remus would've hoped for, but that's a completely different discussion. for the sake of the argument he has to have done it, and in that case i think for him to consciously acknowledge remus in this situation and then choose to do it anyway is worse than simply being so self-absorbed as to not think of anyone else.

if he had thought of remus, then there was a point where he presented himself with the question of whether the prank was worth the consequences it might have for remus/considered how it might affect him, but decided that ultimately fucking with snape is more important to him. in my opinion that's worse than just not thinking about him, and never getting to ask himself that question. i picture the prank being an offhand, reckless comment made in a fit of anger, which is why sirius didn't take the time to think it through (and as part of that, think of remus). i'd argue it would be worse for him to weigh everything up--and if he's thinking of remus at any point this is surely inevitable--and decide to do it anyway. either way its cruel towards remus, obviously, but its sort of...direct versus indirect cruelty, for want of a better way of putting it :-/

[steelycunt]

i forgot your ao3 username and started reading on the issue of fever and delight bc it was in my read later from ages ago, little bit into the fic i start thinking hey i think tumblr user steelycunt would get a kick out of this one. get to the end and tumblr user steelycunt is inviting me to tumblr and written the thing itself. well anyway i love what you've done to remus in that one, like mentally

hahaha that’s so funny ive had a few people say stuff like that were they’re reading something that reminds them of me or of something they’ve read before only to find out it’s me because i have no idea what quality it is that’s alerting them to it but it’s amusing to think about..although it might well be my penchant for just recycling the same four metaphors over and over again. anyway thank youuu im glad you liked it!! one im particularly fond of i love tk be in that boys awful brain

[steelycunt]

rereading on the issue of fever & delight and the end notes “i know i have done the prank to death almost by now but THIS will be the last of it!! promise!!” nooooooooooooooooooooooooo plz say its a lie 💔

ahh!! i really love writing the prank its so fun for me but i was simultaneously aware that ive done it a LOT at this point and people are probably sick to death of it 😭 im not sure what angle ive got left to approach it from...i knew i always wanted to do it from r's pov n his horrible little head n im pleased i got to tick that off with otiofad this year...never say never i suppose!! i personally never know what im doing from one day to the next so we will see <3