Jul 16, 2020
The Fool
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The Fool
A Meaning
Lives are spent constructing the person we think we ought to be. We follow advice, thoughts, and ideas taught to us from birth as to what our lives “should” look like and what we “should” do so we will be happy and prosperous. It is not until a little later in life you start to realize you bought a bad bill of goods. Why is this? Because when you do all the things they told you to do and get to…
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Meaning
Lives are spent constructing the person we think we ought to be. We follow advice, thoughts, and ideas taught to us from birth as to what our lives “should” look like and what we “should” do so we will be happy and prosperous. It is not until a little later in life you start to realize you bought a bad bill of goods. Because when you do all the things you were told to do, and get to the place you…
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The Search for Meaning
The Search for Meaning
Our lives are spent constructing the person we think we ought to be. We follow advice, thoughts, and ideas taught to us from birth as to what our lives “should” look like and what we “should” do so that we will be happy and successful. It is not until a little later in life you start to realize you were sold a bill of goods. Because when you do all the things you were told to do, and get to the…
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Our Meaning
The Doctor’s hands were closed around some levers, painfully, so the numb pain of the metal digging into his palms was keeping him sane and focused. No not focused, he felt like he didn’t get enough air.
After what had happened he felt almost anxious when he saw him in his ship again.. It had again just become his TARDIS as much as he could force himself to think like that. It was easier. Shutting memories away ..or more like any feeling behind them. Just facts. So much easier. And yet they were there, when he didn’t had anything to do, when he tried to sleep and couldn’t, when he looked at the screen and saw the changes in the timelines of planets…of entire systems..of a planet being erased from creation… Every time..every time he hesitated and couldn’t concentrate, didn’t want to see him doing that. Didn’t want to stand on the other side with destruction all around them and have to..stop him. fight him… feel more than empty when looking at him. Broken. Feeling hating him and what he had done. No not him…just what he did. Just because he left and killed..
Looking up, slight anger coming through but it was the anger of a hurt animal, he said getting stuck sometimes and trying to catch his breath again:
"I don’t know either! You…. You want me to forgive you? How? How could I do it when it doesn’t mean anything? It never did why would it now? Just words, because that’s what you did, right? You told me you forgave me for those four years, but you never did! Never….and I am so sorry but I can’t..I won’t beg you again…because this is it. Are we even now? It wasn’t enough for you to let me think you’re dead as a punishment..well bravo..well done..losing you this way is maybe even worse…Watching you destroy me, planets and yourself in one run. Do you realise that everything you did now seems grotesque and like a complete lie? Just another step in your game to win? Prove me wrong. Tell my why it isn’t..why you want to be forgiven! Why, Kosch…tell me because I don’t know.. I can’t read you, I don’t understand you and I can’t just let it be…”
He stopped blinking away tears, small bitter and burning like acid. That’s what his mind felt like ..what his thoughts felt like when he didn’t hold everything back. Acid. He took a step back from the console, his hands giving a dangerously loud noise as he stretched his fingers.
"I…I still want you to stay otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Just tell me what you want me to do.. " he added looking at him, not able to sound angry anymore. His arms almost wrapped around his torso more than crossing them. He couldn’t bare to fight him like that.
"I just…If you don’t need me..if it really doesn’t matter..just go..just go and don’t come back, because I can’t stand you doing this…again and again.. I can’t..I just can’t..” he added, quiet and broken. It was a thing he woulnd’t say out loud normaly. A think he would just express in pictures and feelings through the link, but he couldn’t bare the touch of it right then. Not when he was on the edge of losing him for good.
"I did forgive for those four years." After that day when the Doctor had seen him snap at his hallucination. The stream of apologies, the promises not to leave him again. Arms wrapped around him tight enough almost to hurt.
The Master frowned. It always went back to that, didn't it.... Every time. He wasn't ever going to be able to cast off what he did. Letting the Doctor think he was dead on purpose. That he chose being dead, over staying with him.
That he won.
This.....This had destroyed all of it. It wasn't a lie. Not all of it. But the words wouldn't come out. Stuck, dying before they ever left him. "I don't know..." He said again "I don't know why I want to be. Why I care if you do. It...." A slow breath. Another. "It wasn't all a lie. Not from the beginning. Not for a long time.... One day I just, I woke up and I saw what I was turning into. What I let you turn me into, and I hated every part of it."
Because that voice that used to whisper. The one that he had held onto for a long time when the drums were still there. Telling him they had reason, they had purpose, that he did. Then suddenly that was gone, and he was happy, content to be in the TARDIS with Theta. Content to be Koschei almost every moment. Leaving when he couldn't, coming back after. Or else just avoiding the Doctor until the feeling left him.
"Do whatever you want. Lock me up, throw me in a pit like your box is always trying to do. I'll do whatever you want me to. I don't care, I just...." He wanted all of this to stop. He wanted it to have not happened at all. But he couldn't change that.
In another time, hearing the Doctor sound like that....He would have moved. Would have tried to comfort him. The link would be open and he would be able to help. Not now. The link closed off because he knew the other wouldn't want to go near it... It had been that way since he left. He missed it. All of it.
"I do need you.....And...I want to stay. But you know I can't promise it won't happen again. I don't want it to. I don't." But he couldn't say it wouldn't happen again. Without knowing, he would just be laying ground to make it worse if it did. Things were bad enough now. He didn't want to add to it.
Why Breath?
All life has meaning, all creatures have purpose..beyond themselves, for a greater purpose. To live as if we don't is to deny ourselves the value of Life itself.
Our hearts denied God's love is as lungs denied oxygen: we live gasping for understanding, striving for acceptance, longing for love, and despairing the more we seek, until we reach our bitter end, dying empty and disillusioned to What it was all for.
Could there be a greater despair in this world than to wake up and realize it was all for nothing?
"If you seek, you will find. If you nock, it will be opened." -Jesus
