I can’t pull myself up by my own bootstraps. That’s what I’ve been doing and it DIDN’T WORK! I just kept splitting :\
They need me to be able to sleep, most days. Or at least, they need the reassurance that I’m there if needed. But I’m broken and I can’t work right now. I’m terrified!!!! We can’t sleep like this unless we are that tired that the body just sleeps without giving us much chance to have flashbacks or the like. But yesterday we waited until 7am to get to that point and got more scared and more miserable all the time. Also we can’t afford to be too tired on monday bc we’re travelling the whole day and it’ll be exhausting enough even if we get a normal amount of sleep the night before.
Also I wonder if what I’ve been doing wasn’t more selfish than anything else. It probably was not the best way to help my brothers (Christophers), much less other system mates. I pushed them away and blocked alternative ways of getting help. I may have sabotaged other inner helpers. I don’t even know for sure though.
I was just trying to comfort myself through proxies and… it wasn’t a good idea :/ it didn’t help me so I kept doing it because I still needed help… and I kept splitting and I kept hoping that this time it would be the answer. That this time it would make my friend appear, the friend I need and who’ll save me…
maybe Bucky is that friend idk.
I just know that things can’t continue the way they did.
