#ourcastiel

[meeresbande]

nephilem-of-the-woods

 .

We have four babys and we just let the caretakers take care of them honestly since they know what their doing

Yeah, we’d do that too, but how/where do you just get competent caretakers like that? I mean we have some inner helpers but honestly not a lot considering our system size and they’re not used to dealing with babies. Most of them can only really deal with one subgroup of us (the Christophers). We’re working on getting back in contact with older inner helpers and helping them and building a room for them to hang out and relax and take breaks and coordinate their work. But we’ve only just started this work - there’s so much still to do!

There is one, Castiel, who is willing and seems to be able to take care of babies. But he’s really depressed and in an identity crisis himself…

And honestly it seems so much like asking us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps! We were never cared for or safe as babies or children - now suddenly we’re supposed to somehow provide this care and safety to the babies who were split off due to that neglect and abuse???? Where is this care and safety supposed to come from????

It honestly seems so cruel to expect us to nurture ourselves without having been nurtured from the outside. We can’t give ourselves/each other everything we need just from within.

(Sorry for being frustrated - we’re not frustrated with you, nephilem! Just frustrated in general…)

[meereschristophers]

For many others, humor is an important asset, it can make them feel much better to laugh, even though nothing else has changed. This happened to Lennart only yesterday/the day before. I have no sense of humor though. I do not understand funny things, they only puzzle me.

– Castiel

[meereschristophers]

There is so much sadness inside me. It feels very heavy.

I do not wish to be a burden on this system, or anyone. That is why I withdrew myself and became almost inactive. Lola and some otherd asked for me though.

– Castiel

[meereschristophers]

I have been absent and quiet lately. I believe part of the reason is, that I doubt so many things now. Faith used to be clear and simple, there was no uncertainty. In my canon, I could not doubt the existance of God, angels, demons. I was an angel.

But it is only fiction. First, I realised that demons and other monsters or ghosts are not real. This was a relief. I stopped identifying as an angel as soon as I understood: I am part of a multiple system of several people in one body and soul. I am not quite human, but not an angel either. To claim such would be heresy in my understanding. I still believed angels to be real, I only understood that I am not one. I am only modelled after a fictional representation of one. I believed that another member of this system is an angel, sent by God to help us survive many years ago, before I was created.

I know the others do not believe this.

I feel hopeless and useless. What am I? Who am I? Is anything I used to believe in real? Are angels real at all? I have come to doubt this. Possibly out of a desire to fit in better?

Maybe my faith was never real. When I was first created I was created to believe in my canon’s reality. It took some time before I understood that I am in a multiple system and in a world that is not like my canon. I even used to call the outer body my new vessel. I only understood things little by little. The differences between my canon and the real world… Having faith is something that was written into me, I did not develop it.

Maybe that is why I (have to) doubt it now. Maybe I can find something new, something grounded in reality now? I hope so. I long to have faith and trust in higher powers and justice.

– Castiel

[meereschristophers]

Today was a good day for us. I (Castiel) haven’t been active much for months and haven’t fronted for half a year if I remember correctly. But today I was asked to front and it worked very well. I think the Medis have missed me, they were even worried about me, worried I might be fading away. But I’m still here.

I helped make sweets: Hard candy and gummy bears (they are still not quite right, this time they turned out like jelly - tasty but not what we had aimed for)

The others also made a vegan advent calender for our new roommate, who was very happy about it! 

And we’re thinking about what to give to whom for Christmas/winter celebrations (and one birthday). Maybe some of us will knit a hat for our cousin? They’ll try.

[meereschristophers]

Scared. I don’t want more flashbacks/trauma memories resurfacing but at the same time… want to know what happened… but then again… I won’t believe the memories/dreams/nightmares/weird mix of all that :/

I mean the stuff that resurfaced yesterday and tonight… I have a hard time believing it actually happened. Not just because most people would consider it physically impossible. Also because… WHO would do something like that?????

Time to go to bed but I’m scared.

On the plus side, Cas is here again (he seemed to be very weak/almost absent lately). I like Cas he’s weird and patient and the least judgemental person ever and a good listener. He’s an inner helper.

- Christopher

[meeresbande]

Can you tell us more about Cas? Howcome they speak English as a first language? -Ninja

He’s a fictive (Castiel from supernatural) and we watched his show in english. We also spent a lot of time “in english”, on tumblr and watching english/american tv series and so on, so most of us are fluent and we often think in english. Some of us prefer english because it distances us from the past and abuse more. Btw, Cas doesn’t speak better english than others in here, he wouldn’t be taken for a native speaker. But that’s what he’s most comfortable speaking and considers his first language. He’s not totally fluent in german (depending on the degree to which he’s blending with one of us), though he’s learning.

[meereschristophers]

Also apparently the other fictives, or at least one of them, went through a similar process, where they believed to be their canon selves at first and it took some time to settle into what felt like a “new” reality to them (which is how it felt to me, as well). One in particular had (still has?) moments where he believes things that were proven truths in his canon but a matter of opinion/belief in this reality. And/or questions stuff. And it’s not always easy though for some other fictives in here it’s easier, maybe because their sources are different (the world is more similar to the real world in some important areas) or because of their characters. For Castiel, for example, faith and religious belief are obviously important, whereas I don’t even know if it’s canonically stated what if any kind of belief system Jack Harkness has. So “god, angels and demons aren’t literally proven to exist in this world” is not something that bothers him at all.

Idk, sorry, rambling again.