#inner helpers

[meeresbande]

we have this plan (which we developed during our last psychiatry stay in winter), of having an extra inner helper whose main job it is to intervene when someone blocks us from eating/when we’re not eating. So she would find out who’s blocking us and why and soothe them and explain that their trauma is over and things are different now and actually the body does need food. And if wanted, process their trauma with them, listen to them, comfort them. If needed, stop someone distructive from causing harm to the rest of us.

We actually have someone for that job now, Zora.

The problem is, now all our inner helpers are being sabotaged and can’t do their job.

I try not to say “I hate this system” but.... i kinda do. it’s so frustrating and painful. We are working so hard, but whatever we do, NOTHING works. NOTHING gets us anywhere!!! NOTHING changes anything long-term. We ALWAYS get thrown back to square one again by some system mate or other, because we can’t communicate much, because system mates are sabotaging that. All we ever do is sabotage each other. We are the worst system there is :’c

[meeresbande]

our chamaeleon is back, he woke up again today. that’s a good thing because he hates nothing more than being in stasis. i mean he was around sometimes, but not as himself. and today he was there as himself for the first time probably since our last psychiatry stay or so.

we really need to find a solution for him and the inner helpers. but idk how... we’ve tried and failed for years.

[meeresbande]

So also a year ago we wrote on the topic of our inner helpers:

I don’t really know how to do this, what the goal should even look like. So far we’ve tried - and failed, of course - to have “perfect” inner helpers, imaginary or idealised helpers who don’t need anything themselves and are always giving and understanding and kind and strong and never need a break.

We don’t really know how else to do this? Inner helpers should have time for themselves and be allowed flaws and weaknesses and needs - but we can’t really imagine how that would work in our system? Idk…

There is a strong feeling of fear of failure, fear of punishment for not being good enough, not perfect enough, not need-less enough or self-less enough…

and it’s pretty clear that that just echoes exactly the impossible demands that were put on us as sort of “family helpers” - always giving, never taking up space, never having needs for ourselves, having to be perfect but without getting any help or support or resources to use for ourselves, being put under extreme pressure...

And we still live with these internalised demands, both when it comes to helping others (friends, the world in general…) or each other. And us main fronters have probably internalised it most, but the inner helpers too. Sigh, this is not easy to deal with…

[meeresbande]

We tried to figure out our situation wrt inner helpers, now that Chamaeleon isn’t doing that job anymore (he used to be main inner helper and coordinate helping people but his whole system was dysfunctional in some ways and it was too much for him to handle, causing him to split several times). We found someone, Wela, who sort of did it before that, but that was almost 10 years ago and she has a lot of her own issues to deal with first. We hope it’ll work out, because we do need inner helpers but we really don’t want to put Chamaeleon in that situation any more where he feels like he has to be the one to help everyone else. In fact it seems like he needs to stop doing it at all, at least for a while.

I don’t really know how to do this, what the goal should even look like. So far we’ve tried - and failed, of course - to have “perfect” inner helpers, imaginary or idealised helpers who don’t need anything themselves and are always giving and understanding and kind and strong and never need a break.

We don’t really know how else to do this? Inner helpers should have time for themselves and be allowed flaws and weaknesses and needs - but we can’t really imagine how that would work in our system? Idk…

There is a strong feeling of fear of failure, fear of punishment for not being good enough, not perfect enough, not need-less enough or self-less enough…