Emma Levin, “The B&Q dimension”
If you’ve ever wondered why all B and Qs seem to have the same layout, the answer is that all of B and Qs’ shopfronts are merely portals to the B and Q dimension. That is to say, whichever set of automatic doors one walks through, one ends up in the same collection of aisles, with soft furnishings on the left, paints and primers further down, board cutting down the back, a garden centre off the side, and a showroom upstairs[1].
You might think that operating portals to an alternative dimension would be more expensive than building a chain of hardware shops (what with portals being so energy-intensive, and electricity being so expensive), but it works out. You see, the B and Q dimension existed before the portals did. When Mister Block and Mister Quayle, in 1969, found the first portal, in Southampton, they stumbled into shelves and shelves of DIY products. When they tentatively walked through the automatic doors into the garden areas, they found the atmosphere was breathable, and though the gravity was slightly stronger than Earth norms, it was not uncomfortable.
The terracotta was reasonably-priced, and the granite Buddhas were incongruous. And as far as Mister Block and Mister Quayle could tell, the dimension was uninhabited.
They waited a few days, and went back through the portal. The dimension still existed. Then they began to experiment – was it possible to remove objects from the dimension? Quayle picked up a Ball Pein Pin Hammer (with hickory shaft and ergonomic hand grip), and slipped it into his pocket. When he checked at dinner that night, it was still there. And the morning after. Stability, check. And what’s more, when they returned to the dimension, there was another hammer in its place on the shelf. You see, you do not have to restock the B and Q dimension. But, equally, Mister Block and Mister Quayle have no control over what is stocked in the B and Q dimension.
Occasionally, new products appear. Minor variations in paint colours. A new size of nail. But broadly speaking, the inventory remains the same. Theoretically, some Neanderthals may have discovered the B and Q dimension, but having no use for zinc-plated corner braces or beech-effect furniture board, they would have dismissed it. Should future generations stumble upon it, they would have about as much use for it as they would a bronze spearhead, or a VHS tape of the weather forecast. But Block and Quayle had the good fortune to discover the dimension when it made sense, and a profit.
Interestingly, Mister Block and Mister Quayle made the decision that the staff should not know about the shop’s rather unique ontology. Like the customers, the staff believe that B and Q is a chain of shops. What’s more, most of the staff believe that they work at different branches.
[1] This explains why, when the board-cutting service is out of order, if you get three different buses to another B and Q, their board-cutting service will also be out of order.
Originally published in Notes #8 “Liars”
