wtf has been up with jess?
This post is pretty hard for me to write, but I feel like I need to. I posted it on FB yesterday and that was probably the worst, because that’s mostly people I know in real life and have to actually face in 3D. (I apologize for those of you that are seeing this multiple times--yes, I’m copy pastaing, bc i just don’t have the spoons to write it out over and over.) Fortunately, it was well received, but I wanted to post it here too because it affects my ability to communicate, write, and generally be active here. What I'm about to say is hard for me on multiple levels: it goes against my ingrained nature, it feels embarrassing and shameful, it makes me feel vulnerable (which I hate), it causes me anxiety. But like I said, I think I need to say this, for a lot of reasons.
I think some of you know I recently left a job that was very difficult for me. It triggered some deep-seated anxiety that started last summer with panic attacks, for which I started on Zoloft and Xanax. Things got worse; they got better; they got worse. My usual coping mechanisms weren't working anymore, and starting in about May of this year I stopped sleeping. Like, at all. I was also having daily panic attacks--heart palpitations, inability to breathe, shakes, nausea, the whole nine. It wasn't just the job; it was a lot of things, and the job was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided to pursue therapy, which I've been in since June. It's hard, not in the least because I hate, HAAAAATTTEEEE talking about my feelings. Seriously, I'd rather do pretty much anything besides tell someone how I feel. There are a lot of things that have happened to me in my past that I don't want to deal with. I don't want to address them. My heart's hammering in my throat even writing this, because that's how much I hate talking about anything dealing with my emotions. But shoving them down and stowing them away isn't working anymore.
I'm now on an increased dosage of Zoloft, along with a mood stabilizer called Seroquel. I'm under the care of both a psychologist and psychiatrist. They don't know if I have bipolar disorder, or if this is really severe PTSD. As I said, there are a lot of traumatic things in my past that I don't really want to detail here, but the gist is molestation, rape, my mom dying when I was 16, some degree of emotional trauma, identity issues; there were things about my job and working for my boss specifically that triggered a lot of these traumas and now I'm kind of in this place where I am trying to put myself back together. It's hard. It's hard admitting to myself that I'm not okay. That I can't just suck it up and deal this time. It's hard admitting that these periods of deep distress that I endure aren't normal, and that I can't deal with them by just ignoring them and plowing through it. Anxiety is kind of a constant companion now (although it's getting better with the drugs--I'm not having daily attacks anymore and I'm actually sleeping, wheee), and there are days when I cry uncontrollably. There are days I literally cannot function, which is the hardest for me because I've always prided myself on my ability to get shit done. This is why sometimes i’m like IMMA DO DRAFTS and then nothing gets done. My energy just drains from me. And as much as I know it’s ridiculous, I really do stress about taking forever on replies or not answering people’s asks or whatever. I feel like I’m hurting them by not responding, and that makes me feel like shit, so I push myself to do things and then I collapse from the pressure. No one has ever really badgered me about anything; this is just my brain, telling me I’m a terrible person and I’m letting people down and hurting them and damaging friendships because I’m not “perfect.” I’m in the process of moving a bunch of my blogs to a multi-muse, which will hopefully help. To everyone I’ve left hanging, I’m so sorry. I’ll respond soon, I promise, and as trite as it sounds, it’s really not you. It’s me. I feel like I'm locked in battle and I'm *tired.* I know I'm doing the things I need to do to get better, and I know I'll get there, but I also know it's not going to be an easy road. That's part of the reason I wanted to be (sort of) open about this: I am struggling, and you all deserve to know why I'm not myself sometimes. I'm pretty terrible at asking for help, but I'm trying to be better about it, because I am fortunate to have so many great people in my life and I need to believe you when you say you care about me. Please forgive me if I don't answer some comments on this post; I'm not really sure how I'll react. I just needed to get this out.