#overseasromance

[anewbride]

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[thebackroadtourist]

Overseas Romance: What it is / How to Deal With it.

Ahhh overseas romance. From strolling side by side in a beautifully lit Albanian village to gazing at the blood orange sun-set behind a Macedonian mountainside. The sights you see and the moments you find yourself in can be truly breathtaking, and sometimes truly romantic. When you share a moment like this with someone you are attracted to on a physical AND emotional / psycho-spiritual level, it can create some downright magic. But how can you tell if the other person is feeling the same way about you? And are overseas romances even successful?

Before we get into protocol lets first lay our foundation. We need to understand the anatomy of a solo backpacker. In my experience, I am often attracted to two types of women:

Those in a “fuck-it” stage in their life. Those in a “healing” stage in their life.

These two types of people take on expansive backpacking journeys to break free from something that may be weighing them down. A person who is in a “fuck it” stage may have just quit their job, finished university, ended a  relationship or is going through a quarter life or even mid-life crisis. A person who is in a “healing” stage is likely recovering from a recently painful break-up. For the remainder of this article I will focus on the person who is healing from a recently painful break-up, because that is more relevant and it’s what I have dealt with most.

This person who is healing from a recently painful break-up will behave in one of two ways: A).  This person will go sexually wild with as many people as possible to numb the pain. B).  This person will take a spiritual sabbatical from intimacy to find themselves.

These two types of people are clearly going through shit. Here is my theory…

Emotional pain has two sides: dependent and independent. We either search for healing outside ourselves (dependent) like person A; or we turn inside (independent) like person B, and perhaps shut off all sexual stimuli from our external environment in order to remain pure and find their answer to what they may be looking for. If this sounds a bit florid to you, bear with me. 

Now that we have laid our foundation lets turn our attention on YOU, the receiver. Ask yourself, which one are you attracted to the most? Which one do you attract? If you are a nice guy who gives off a charming, safe-masculine vibe, then chances are you will attract an independent healer. If you are a rough-around-the-edges type of guy who seeks out casual sex chances are you will attract a dependent healer. 

Now that you have an idea of what you may be getting into, lets turn to the fun stuff. Inevitably there will be someone you find attracted to at the hostel, on a tour or out on a pub crawl. Once you break the ice with this person a fun and highly anticipated mystery lies ahead because the life of this relationship is inherently short-lived due to the ever-changing nature of backpacking. So now you’re chatting with this beautiful person whom you find interesting and you sense a mutual vibe and perhaps your horniness is amplified by the lack of sex and masturbation you have been able to accomplish from being stuck in dorms for weeks or months on end. So now what?

1). Ask the right questions. Once you have established a rapport, don’t be afraid to ask direct questions. Time is of the essence and in the likelihood the feeling is mutual, why waste time? Get to know the person. Ask about his/her relationship status. It should be pretty easy to figure out if they are “healing” and if so, ask the right questions to figure out if it is dependent or independent. As I said, there is nothing wrong with being direct because who cares, you may never see that person again.

2). Know when to back off. For instance if they get up-tight with any personal questions you are asking, back off. If you feel the time is right to put your arm around him/her and they tense up, back off! Don’t be a creep - respect their boundaries. Be courteous. 

3). Incorporate humor. The more serious you come off, the more desperate you will seem. Keep it light, keep it fun, keep it jocular. This is especially true if you do get physical with the other person. Don’t be too dramatic and don’t say anything you will later regret, this isn’t like a love scene from Titanic…or is it? :)

4). Watch out for red flags. If someone is sexually throwing themselves at you right off the bat, they are clearly a dependent healer. Although this situation can be fun and quite thrilling, beware of an emotional instability derived from their desperation for wholeness and a responsibility placed on you to make this person feel complete in that moment. Protect yourself - emotionally and physically. There are sociopaths out there who can easily manipulate you if you are overly vulnerable. And STD’s is a thing, so be mindful of that.

5). Pay attention to what the other person wants, and more importantly -what YOU want. If you’re anything like me, you tend to feel things deeply. I know for myself that a one night stand with someone who I feel emotionally bonded with does not work if they bounce out the next day and I never hear from them again. There have been moments throughout my travels where I meet a girl and for some reason feel intensely connected, like a karmic rekindling from a past life. When this happens I pay extra attention to ground myself and surrender to the actual situation happening rather than what my lascivious mind wants to happen. Often times it leads to a friendship, which can be wonderful. 

Travel relationships can and DO happen! So don’t rule anything out, despite any language barrier. And don’t be afraid to cross continents for someone because hey, what do you have to lose? I did that once. Here is my story: I was seduced by a gorgeous woman who had just ended a loooonnnggg relationship, and I was her rebound. Our connection was so intense and wild, as we broke into an empty dorm room midday to conjugate and since that day have spoken and flirted with each other for months on end, often daily. So I eventually made a visit to her respective country one year later to be painfully blindsided by a cluster of unhealthy emotions, an awkward week of sleeping in her bed and an abstruse lie that killed all interest I had in her. Despite this, I still was able to travel to a new place, explore the culture and learn new things. I grew from the experience as well and because of that I have no regrets. Will I ever do this again with someone else if the opportunity arises? Of course! I am a believer in love, and I think cross-continental attraction is hot and makes for an interesting experience. But know what it is first before you dive in. I should have done my homework and asked more questions with that particular person. You can’t assume things, because you know, two people look at the world with different lens.  Don’t worry - there are success stories out there! Like my friend Katie who cancelled the rest of her trip to fly back to Spain for a guy she met, and now she’s going to move there! So success stories do indeed happen, and who knows - you may be one of them.  

So to conclude: Read the signs, beware of red flags, stay open, be direct, stay vulnerable but not too vulnerable, and listen to what you (and they) want. Most importantly, live your life and let the good times roll.