Fear of Falling || Solo Para
TAGGING → Elliott Gilbert
TIMELINE→ Tuesday April 7th, 2023- Evening, Flashbacks to: September (First Year), December (First Year), December (Second Year), April (Second Year), Wednesday April 8th, 2023- Early Morning
SETTING → The Gilbert Household
SUMMARY → As a child, when Elliott was afraid, their family was able to ease their fears- even without knowing what they were doing. Now, an adult and at the bring of war, Elliott knows that being afraid is no longer an option.
NOTES→ Mentions of past dysphoria
“Elliott?” The wizard looked up at the sound of their sister’s voice, smiling a little at Julia, when she peered into the room. “Can I come in?”
“Course you can, Jules.” Elliott pat the spot on the bed next to them, offering Julia a warm smile. “What’s going on.”
“I dunno,” She frowned a little, looking up at Elliott as she sat. “You’ve been....Restless? I hear you pacing, at night. I know you’re not sleeping, and you’re keeping me up.”
“i’m sorry, I-”
“Don’t be sorry,” Julia insisted, “Just....What’s going on, Elli? Are you okay?”
Elliott wanted to tell Julia that no, they weren’t okay. To speak, and say everything that they’d told Kurt when they’d visited his grave. To say everything that had gone unsaid, and had been kept a secret. That no, they weren’t okay and they never would be again. They were terrified, and they didn’t know what to do.
The words, however, stuck in their throat. They couldn’t burden their little sister, they couldn’t cave after months of lying to her. They had to keep everything locked down, and to keep their emotions to themself.
Fear was no longer an option.
So Elliott smiled at their sister, squeezing her shoulder a little. “It’s just school, Jules. I promise, it’s just exams and stuff. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
He was a wizard.
He was a wizard and it was his first day of term. His belongings had all been packed up, put into a trunk of all things. His wand was on top of it, he had robes and Elliott Gilbert would be well on his way to Hogwarts, come that afternoon.
His life would be changing, after today. His life had already changed and that wasn’t going to stop any time soon. He was a wizard he could do magic and the thought of how things were going to change in the coming days and weeks was terrifying.
Could he do this?
The thoughts had been plaguing Elliott for days but now, in the hours before he was to get on the train, they were harder to avoid. He’d woken up far too early, at four in the morning, and he’d been restless since, trying not to pace.
Instead he was at the kitchen table, a mug of cocoa between his hands. He was ready for this, he thought. Or maybe he was? How was he supposed to know? Would he ever really know?
“Son?” Elliott looked up at the sound of his father’s voice, smiling tiredly up at his dad. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” Elliott said softly, biting at his lower lip. “I’m fine, Dad, don’t worry.” Edward Gilbert began making his way around the kitchen, and Elliott had woken up while his dad got ready for work enough times to know he wanted his cup of coffee.
“No you’re not,” The words made Elliott flush, ducking his head and running a hand nervously through his newly dyed hair. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Elliott insisted softly, twisting in his chair to look at his father and offer what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “Nothing’s wrong, really. I’m fine.”
“Elliott,” The word was one of warning- a reminder that Elliott’s father had always known him well enough to tell when he was lying. “Please, don’t shut me out right before you leave?”
“It’s nothing. It’s…It’s silly.” Elliott laughed, sheepish now. “I’m scared. What if…What if no one at the school likes me? What if they think I’m weird, or they don’t like the fact I’m a Muggle, or-“
“Elliott,” Edward set a warm, reassuring hand on his son’s shoulder, smiling a little at him. “I don’t know what they’ll think of you, I’ll give you that. But you aren’t a- you aren’t like us, Elliott. No matter what anyone says, you belong there.”
“What if, when I come back I don’t belong here?” Elliott asked softly, looking up to his dad. “What if when I come back, the girls don’t like me, or things have changed, or I’ve changed, and I don’t fit in and I don’t know how to act? I don’t want to lose you guys.”
“You’re never going to lose us,” Edward promised softly, squeezing Elliott’s shoulder lightly. “And you’ll always have a home here, I promise you that.”
Elliott wanted to protest, to tell his father that he didn’t know that, that he couldn’t promise anything but for the moment, he bit his tongue. Maybe Edward couldn’t guarantee anything, but pretending that he could would make Elliott feel better, and he could appreciate that.
“Okay,” He said softly, “Okay, I’ll believe you. I’m just being silly, I know.” Elliott smiled a little at his father. “Thank you, dad.”
It was Hanukkah. The holidays had begun days ago, and Elliott was finally on the train back home, back to London after a half a year away at Hogwarts. He was just eleven and terrified. The holidays were at hand, and Elliott had changed into Muggle clothes with just five minutes between them and meeting their family for the first time since September.
He hadn’t seen his family in months. He could do magic now. He could transform things, and cast charms, he could make potions. He’d made friends in the wizarding world, and he knew things they might never understand, and he was happy.
But he didn’t know what his family would thing. He didn’t know if they’d really missed him, if he’d still fit with them. He didn’t know anything.
He was so afraid that he thought he might be sick.
But Elliott managed not to pace in the train compartment, and he managed to keep still. It as an effort, but a successful one at least, to make his way onto the platform when the train came to a stop, and headed out to Muggle London, where he knew his family would be waiting for him.
Would they still love him? Would they be okay?
The thoughts fell away at the sound of a scream, as he stepped onto the platform, and Elliott found himself nearly barreled over by Julia, tackling him for a hug. Without thinking, Elliott just hugged her back, even as Amy joined the group, clinging to them both.
Their fears had been unfounded. They were home.
Second year had been calm so far- mostly. It had been an interesting time, though, with Elliott locking themself in the library and online, spending time talking with both Thor and Professor Darkholme just to try and figure things out.
They really hadn’t come out yet. Not completely. It was weird, sorting through everything. The days they felt like the Elliott everyone saw. They were a boy, they were firm on that those days, even if they wore nail polish, or a bit of makeup.
The other days weren’t as easy. Those were the days when Elliott felt off. Some days could hardly breathe through the sense of being off. The days when Elliott was not what everyone saw or thought, when it was better to just curl up in bed with Mercury and hide because no one understood. No one knew what it was like, or what Elliott was going through.
And how did Elliott put it into words? That they felt like they weren’t static, like who they were wasn’t set like it was for James, or Kurt. They didn’t have a word for it, but they were looking and they were going home for the holiday. How were they supposed to actually figure this out though? There was no one like them, as far as Elliott was aware. Thor didn’t know. Professor Darkholme didn’t know. Elliott couldn’t bring themselves too tell James or Kurt or Quinn just yet. How could they possibly tell their parents?
The thoughts had plagued Elliott the entire train ride home, the entire ride from the station home, and now, that they were locked away in their room, carefully pulling out all the makeup that they’d borrowed from their mother. The stash had been running low for months all Elliott had left was a little nail polish, and they couldn’t help but hope that maybe they’d be able to get some money together and stock up soon.
But first they had to get through this. First, they had to figure out how to survive the holiday spent trying to hide everything that they hadn’t yet figured out.
Somehow, they had to do this without going crazy.
Elliott was so caught up in their own thoughts that the day passed in a blur, their first day back a haze of worry and nerves and near panic that they’d be asked to explain what was going on in their head, that they were hardly aware of it when night fell. They knew they were worrying their parents. They knew the girls were too happy to see them that they wouldn’t worry, but they wouldn’t be for long.
They were still trying to focus as they got ready for bed, lost to distraction when they saw it. Next to the tv were three bottles of nail polish: one scarlet, one gold, and one black. Two containers of eye shadow, a tube of lip gloss, concealer. They hadn’t been opened in the slightest, Elliott realized, and they knew that these things their mother wore often, let alone that she’d buy all at once.
But she was the only one who’d buy it.
Elliott didn’t think any longer, without a moment’s hesitation, they grabbed the makeup and moved up the stairs as quickly as possible, to go hide it away.
Maybe she’d bought it for herself, but Elliott knew in their heart that she hadn’t. She’d been doing it for years, after all, turning a blind eye to what they did. Even if had never been quite like this.
But Elliott wouldn’t question anything. They were already afraid of saying things they couldn’t define. The last thing they needed was to start a conversation they weren’t ready for.
That could come another day, when the fear of speaking didn’t have them paralyzed..
It came with the Easter holiday, it came with passover. They’d found the words they needed in a book, downloaded illegally online and read in the darkness of the night. They’d discovered themself as Brendon Chase did, testing out the words for themself.
Genderqueer. No, the word was wrong, it didn’t fit Elliott the way they thought it was supposed to.
Genderfluid. Fluidity, changing like water. Never stagnant, never still. Elliott had struggled with it for so long, and the words felt like coming home.
Being a boy wasn’t wrong all the time. It just wasn’t right, either. But they were figuring it out, they were figuring themself out. And finally, they’d told their family. The girls were accepting, but confused. Elliott knew they’d have to explain more to them, later, once they had time to process. Their parents had asked questions, they were confused, but they were trying.
And then, Edward had insisted that they go out, if Elliott was comfortable with it. He’d insisted that if they wanted to show who they really were, that he would help them. He’d stood guard, and he’d offered advice as Elliott shopped, picking their way through clothes, makeup and accessories. He’d stood by as Elliott rambled on about jewelry and bracelets, about wanting to get their ears pierced, and wondering how they’d look in a proper dress.
It only dawned on Elliott on the way home, that for the first time they weren’t afraid. They'd been terrified, when they’d left the house. They’d been nervous that someone would call them out, or stop them. That something, somewhere would go wrong.
But now, all they knew was that their father was here, and he would help them. That alone, eased the crippling fear and the panic.
At the end of it all, not much else mattered.
“Morning, Dad,” Elliott grinned a little at their father, making their way into the kitchen. Four am, and they had hardly slept, too busy reading books, looking for answers, for something they could do to keep their family safe, in the coming war. There had to be an answer, right?
There was none that Elliott could see. Nothing they could do, and it scared them as much as they didn’t want to admit it.
Fear could not be an option. They couldn’t afford to be afraid.
So instead they were savoring what they could. The old, time honored tradition of breakfast with their father on every day possible. Most days, he’d leave for work at five. Most days, Elliott would have to drag themself out of bed, just for the chance to see him.
He’d taken off the day, but Elliott found that they didn’t care. They found that, when it came down to it, old habits died hard.
“Elliott?” Edward’s voice was soft, as he looked up at the wizard, blue eyes full of concern. “Is everything okay? Since....Since Kurt. Is everything okay?”
It would never be okay, Elliott knew, as they contemplated the question. Nothing was ever going to be okay when it came to things like Kurt again. When it came to the war, nothing would ever be okay.
But if there was one thing that Elliott had come to terms with, it was that it was their turn to protect their family. It was their turn, to do what was right. To do right by their family, even if it meant shutting down all that they felt. For so long, Elliott’s family had been the source of their fear, and their salvation.
And now Elliott would protect them, for all that they could. Now, Elliott would make them proud, and would fight for them fearlessly, in the way that they so truly deserved.
And maybe, when all was said and done, they could open up again, and they could be honest. Maybe then, Elliott would be able to admit they were afraid, and let the people they loved most ease the fears as they always had.
