P1D1
Cecilia Dickson
Halbert Barton
SOC 3-001
7 February 2020
Auto-Ethnography
I often find one’s background determines one’s behavior, values, etc. I am from a small, white, upper-middle class town in Indiana. I was raised Catholic, and as such, attended private Catholic schools from preschool to high school graduation. These schools, however, were much more diverse than my hometown, being half-white, and half-non white, with a large black and hispanic population. I, myself, am white, but what my schools did not have were a lot of LGBT+ students. Or perhaps they did, but, being Catholic schools, most of them remained closeted, like myself. I’m queer, in gender and sexuality, am growing up queer in a Catholic, Midwestern environment caused me to be, in general, more reserved and quiet in behavior, despite having some crazy anxiety.
There was one safe haven for closeted queers like myself at my high school: the theatre program. I fell in love with theatre and acting in high school, as my middle and elementary schools did not have a theatre program. This brings me to one hub—The Rude Hart Theatre, my high school’s theatre. It’s old and dusty, with probably a hundred safety violations, and the ugly, emerald-green seats need replacing, but it is one of my favorite places on Earth. The theatre director, Mrs. Crane, and her family have been running that theatre themselves, with little to no help from the school/administration, for over twenty years. Their love for their students and that space is practically tangible in the air, from the stage, to the many hidden hallways and storage rooms under it.
Acting is where I find I can express myself the most. I’ve always felt unusual, or unwanted, being queer, which is thankfully now changing since moving away from Indiana, but acting is where I don’t have to be quiet because it’s my job to fully express the characters I play. I love finding myself in every character, and seeing how that expression impacts others, inspiring audiences.
Perhaps it’s that unashamed expression of other characters that inspired me to start expressing myself. I remember, when I was a freshman, meeting a senior in the theatre program who I would have never met otherwise: Johanna. She was an out and proud lesbian, with a pride pin on her backpack, so colorful against the dull, oppresive hallways. When he did The Music Man that spring, I heard rumors that she wanted to audition to be the music man, Harold Hill. It blew my mind: a girl gender-bending such a traditionally male role. She inspired me to put my own pride pins on my backpack, sophomore year.
Another social group I have found a home in is my wonderful group of coworkers at another hub, Sip Coffee House in Crown Point, IN. The vibe of that place is awesome. The owner is so kind, and I get along with everyone who works there. Everytime I go home for a period of time, I work there again, and I am always instantly friends with the new faces. I’ve worked doubles at Sip, being the first person in and the last to leave, and slept over night on the couch in the dining room multiple times, so needless to say, I am very familiar with that building. I know all the regulars, which ones to avoid (the creep who always orders a large, hot cherry bomb latte) and which ones leave the best tips and conversation (Bob, who orders two nonfat lattes), and which ones have never been there before. Working there makes me happy, and I think I love it so much is because it’s another safe haven in Indiana where I can just be myself, a queer, insanely passionate barista, and know I’ll be supported by my coworkers there.
So in looking at personal behavior, I am more reserved and quiet, almost code-switching, when I am at home or anywhere I don’t feel comfortable being who I am, which has caused me to be more cautious in everyday life. When I am comfortable, I relax into myself, and that’s when I feel success in myself, and happiness, whether it’s on stage or behind an espresso machine.
Probably because of my background, some questions I have about society revolve around social “norms.” How do people go from being strangers to acquaintances to friends? I’ve noticed some people become friends because there are no other options, like in high school. People are friends because they happen to see the same people everyday for four years and it just happens, but then they graduate and never see each other. What makes a friendship deeper? Is it personal connection, shared experiences, similarities and differences? Some people never lose touch, no matter what. I’ve always found this fascinating. As someone who generally has a hard time bridging the gap between acquaintance and friend, I tend to find myself on the outskirts of this behavior, which has given me some opportunity to observe it happening. Friendships forming, falling apart, for so many reasons. How people form relationships, what it is that can draw two strangers together, or what it is that keeps others on the outskirts, intrigues me.
