#p3 time loop

[nero-vanderwolf]

There are a few things Makoto has managed to establish. 

He is 100% stuck in a timeloop. He found out the hard way, waking up on the Station platform a few minutes to midnight when he could have sworn he was just on Gekkoukan High’s roof. 

He also knows that there are only a few people who retain their memories. 

He’s one of them, obviously, but there’s also that girl Kotone, Aigis, the Velvet denizens. It’s a comfort to have at least a few friends remember alongside him. 

The first time he had looped, he had immediately staggered into the Velvet Room to see if he was losing his mind. The jury’s still out on whether or not Elizabeth and Igor remembering the loops was a comfort or not, but Aigis is always at his side, ready to provide reassurance that he isn’t alone. 

If he lets the loop go on long enough, Ryoji is added to those numbers as well.  That fact is far less comforting than Elizabeth or Aigis remembering. He would almost prefer Ryoji to not remember all the times they’ve killed each other. 

But as it stands, there’s nothing he can do about it. 

Tonight is not a pleasant night. Last night, he watched Shinjiro die for what felt like the hundreth time. Maybe it was. He’s stopped feeling any sort of grief over it, knowing that everything will just go back to normal on his next visit to the roof. 

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t cry. No, he sobs and retches into his sink and rips the mirror off of his wall. He can’t stand the sight of his own face anymore- tired and empty-looking, like he’s some kind of ghost. He watches the glass shatter on the ground, sinks to his hands and knees in the mess and watches his palms turn scarlet. 

The pain is almost comforting- it reminds him that he’s real. That this loop is real, for however long it remains that way. 

He’s vaguely aware of footsteps thumping to the rhythm of his heartbeat, barely noticing as the door flies open. Junpei freezes in the doorway, staring at him as he rises to his feet. 

He must look like a dead man walking, with sallow skin and sunken, dead eyes and palms stained scarlet. He’s still in his school uniform- he barely wears his casual clothes anymore. The shirt he’s wearing has been stained with dirt and blood and tears and bile so many times he’s stopped bothering to change it. It’ll just turn out clean again on the next reset. 

“I’ll be right back,” he mumbles, and staggers past Junpei up to the roof. The pain in his hands dulls to a throbbing ache, and he balls them into fists just to feel the stabbing sensation again. Just to get more blood to flow. Just to feel something again. 

Scars have started to form where they shouldn’t, remnants of past loops that are finally catching up to him. A thin line on his neck from a glass shard. Little pinpricks on his palms from so many nights of shattered mirrors and heaving sobs. Two matching, jagged lines on either side of his spine from a particularly nasty Shadow. 

A pale, crescent-moon on his hairline from Takaya. He remembered that loop more vividly than the others. Maybe because it was the first time someone else had made him reset. 

Shinjiro was dead. Shinjiro was dead again and there was nothing he could do this loop. 

Anger surged through him, and he ran towards the rapidly-retreating form of the killer, of the bastard who dared to think they were brothers. He lunged for the gun, for the murder weapon, for any semblance of control over the situation. What he got in return was a searing pain on his temple, the sound of his friends screaming ringing in his ears. There was a sudden burst of white pain, burning so hot it was almost cold, and he was falling, falling, falling- 

And he had woken up. September 27th, 2009. And he had resolved to never try that particular reset again. 

He’s zoning out more. He needs to get a fucking grip, and he knows it, but it’s hard to get a solid hold on reality when it won’t stop looping back on itself. 

More scars keep showing up, too. Phantom pains in his legs from broken bones, burning behind his eyes from what’s probably adding up to years of not sleeping. The pinpricks in his hands never fully heal, always pink and raw and sliced open far too easily by the same old routine. 

In some loops, he rips the mirror from the wall and shatters it. In others, he calmly takes it off and asks Mitsuru or Akihiko or Junpei if they can pawn it off. Most of the time, it ends up in the Command Room, hidden under the sofa to keep anyone else from breaking it. 

It never works. 

Aigis changes, too. She seemed far more human than the first go-around of this twisted game, perhaps permanently changed by the love of her friends. 

She still seems more human than robot, laughing and dancing with Yukari and making jokes with Akihiko and cooking with Fuuka (and when did Fuuka get so good at cooking before the loops?). 

But when she sees Makoto, her expression changes. It’s understanding, he knows it is- it’s sorrow and understanding and hope all rolled into one agonising expression. Makoto thinks he prefers to see her happy. 

Another loop. Shinjiro gets shot. The mirror gets shattered. New scars show up on Makoto’s skin. 

And he thinks distantly that maybe, maybe he deserves this punishment after all. 

GAUAYABAHHHHHGHHH TIMELOOP AUS I LOVR YOU BUT I HATE YOU!!! makoto just losing himself over all the loops hes gone through, just repeating the same things hoping something will change. it feels like a punishment that he cant escape. he feels hopeless aufghh...

[nero-vanderwolf]

Either Makoto’s losing his mind, which is entirely possible, or everyone is starting to remember the loops. 

Makoto stands on the rooftop again, staring at the stars as he leans against the safe part of the railing. They twinkle brightly, a glimmer of light among the dark night. A beacon to remind him of the hope that burns faintly in his chest. 

The door behind him creaks opens, and he catches a strangled noise from whoever was in the doorway. The sound of clicking heels tells him it was Mitsuru who made that noise, and the glittering red nails on his shoulder solidifies his guess. 

“What are you doing up here, Yuki?” Mitsuru asks, and her voice sounds strained. It doesn’t make sense- she never had that reaction before that loop- 

“Couldn’t sleep. Don’t worry, I’m making sure to stay away from the damaged rails,” Makoto mumbles halfheartedly, looking over at her. For now. 

Mitsuru’s face is pale as she nods, as though she’s scared of something. “My apologies... I thought- Mm. I thought you were about to do something reckless.” She clears her throat. Makoto stares at the ground. He knows what happened, but the fact that she’s worried scares him. She shouldn’t remember what happened. But he does. 

He was falling. He had reset the loop (again) after failing to save Shinjiro (again). As he plummeted, a scream rang through the air, and through the blur of tears and hair Makoto saw a shock of red high above- the rooftop, most likely. He landed funny on the ground, his arm snapping at a weird angle. The shock of red disappeared, the world went dark, and he woke up in bed. 

“I’m gonna go back to my room. Have a good night, Mitsuru-senpai,” he says abruptly, desperate to end the conversation. Desperate to escape Mitsuru’s memory. He turns on his heel, hurrying towards the door and all but sprinting back inside and down the stairs. Falling is much quicker. 

The mirror is shattered again, his palms are sliced open again, Junpei comes in again. He checks Makoto for wounds again. He sees all of the remnants of the loops. Again. 

There’s a new one on his back from the last loop he went through. The one where Junpei watched him fall, the one where they made a codeword. 

He looks at where Junpei stands beside him, tapping his foot in that way he does when he’s nervous. Shaking out the nerves, he had said once. Makoto’s surprised he still remembers that- he’s been forgetting more and more lately. He tries not to think about it. 

“Junpei. Do you know the codeword?” He asks, and Junpei looks at him with a furrowed brow. 

“What codeword, dude?” He asks, and Makoto takes a breath. 

Here goes nothing. “Messiah.” 

Junpei’s eyes widen, and he’s in front of Makoto in a second, hands a steady weight on his shoulders. “Dude! So I wasn’t tripping with that note? You really are-?” 

“Trapped in a timeloop? Yeah. Have been for a while. Some of them only last a few weeks, some a few months. Every now and then it lasts until March 5th of next year.” 

Junpei stumbles back in his shock. Makoto misses the weight of his hands. “Wha- dude, that means you’ve been in the loop for...” 

He falls silent, trying to work out the math. When he’s done, he stares at Makoto with a look that makes him sick. 

“Makoto, you’ve been in the loop for at least seven years. Are you okay?” He says. Makoto sits on the floor. Feels the glass slice his hand more. He stares at the blood that now speckles the shards, that stains his palms. He’s lost years of his life to this loop, and yet no one has aged a single day. The idea makes his head hurt, so he tries to stop thinking about it. 

He’s gotten good at that. 

The next time he resets the loop, he forgets to check again. He forgets to check if anyone is nearby before letting go of the railings. He’s getting sloppy as the loops go on, as he loses more and more time. 

He feels a hand grab his arm before he can fully start the fall. Craning his neck, he sees Yukari staring at him in terror. Her expression is nauseating, and he finds himself wishing that she had simply let him fall. 

“Makoto! What the hell are you doing-!?” She cries, tugging him back onto the roof. He lets himself fall onto solid ground, squeezes his palm as he feels skin scraped up by the concrete. He might have even smacked his head, if the blurriness in his eyes is any indicator. 

“Makoto.” Yukari’s voice is the same as Ken’s. The same as Junpei’s. The same as Mitsuru’s. Like he’s some wild animal that’s in danger and they’re trying to get him to safety. Like he could lash out at any moment. 

And he does. He sits up and scratches at his skinned palm and stares at the blood that trickles down his arm. Anything to feel something, he had told Junpei once. Anything to remind himself that he still exists, that he hasn’t become a spector doomed to haunt the loops forever. 

“Don’t,” he says, curling into himself. Yukari doesn’t look angry, but he wants to run away. Don’t, he says. Don’t ask why. Don’t mention the dead look to his eyes, the sickly pallor of his skin, the way he threw himself over the railing without hesitating. Don’t. Don’t. 

“I’m going to. What was that all about!?” She demands, placing her hands on his shoulders. The weight is grounding, but he doesn’t want to be grounded. He writhes away from her, clutching at his clothes and trying to remember how it feels to breathe without the stench of gunpowder and death in your lungs. He can’t do it. 

“You won’t believe me,” he says, his voice shaking. He tries to sound bored, like he doesn’t care. He ends up sounding dead. His words sound weak, like a flimsy excuse to not tell her. Yukari scowls, and Makoto knows she feels the same. 

“Bullshit,” she says, and Makoto tenses. Her tone is angry. He’s ready to run. “Do you really think, after everything we’ve been through, that I wouldn’t believe you? You could say the weirdest thing and I would believe you- because I trust you.” 

She isn’t angry. He ignores the pounding of his heart. He crosses his legs, pulls his jacket further around him. Whether it’s to protect himself from the chill of the rooftop or the truth, he doesn’t know. 

“I’m stuck in a timeloop. In order to reset the loop, I have to die.” 

It’s gotten easier talking about this. About his death, about the loops. Even if Yukari won’t remember, it still feels nice letting another person know. 

She stares at him for a moment before hugging him. Her arms are warm against his body, and he trembles against her. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” he mumbles, feeling the burn of tears welling up in his eyes. Is he crying because she saw him? Is he crying because it feels nice to share his burden with someone else? 

Is he crying because he shared his burden in the first place? 

Yukari hugs him tighter. “Don’t apologise. I love you, Makoto, I’m here for you. Don’t apologise.” 

Makoto shakes his head. “Don’t. You won’t be here next loop, you’ll forget about it, I’ll be alone again-” 

Yukari sits back on her heels. “Let’s come up with a codeword, then. Something you can tell me so I’ll know. Something like...” 

“Messiah,” he says. “It’s the same codeword Junpei and I have. Having the same word will be easier, right?” 

She nods. She’s smiling, holding his hand and talking about whatever she can. He knows it’s to keep his attention off of the railing just a few feet away. 

He doesn’t reset the loop that night. 

OOOGHH HES BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN YEARS??? GAHHH?????!!!??! also VERY glad to know that the codeword actually works after the loops are reset AND NOW WE GOT YUKARI YAYYYY!!! i really like that more of the SEES are getting in on the loop maybe we can finally help this guy (makoto) 💔

[nero-vanderwolf]

“Ken-!” 

Makoto startles, scrambling from the railing. He hates whenever he accidentally resets a loop in front of his friends. 

One loop, after Junpei came in after he shattered his mirror to pieces, he hadn’t realised Mitsuru was on the roof. He had reset the loop right in front of her- and hadn’t even realised it until he heard her scream. 

Ken stares at him with wide eyes. Ken was too young for this. Far, far too young. Too young to be worrying about revenge, about Shadows, about death. Too young to be worrying about Makoto standing too close to the broken railings. 

“...Can you come downstairs, Makoto-san?” Ken asks, breaking the silence. 

Makoto didn’t think he still had the ability to cry, but his vision blurs anyways at the tone of Ken’s voice. It’s barely above a whisper, and he sounds like he’s about to cry. 

It sounds like he’s talking to a spooked animal. 

“...Yeah. Just- just give me a second, okay, Ken? I’ll be down in a minute,” he says. Ken looks like he wants to say something, but turns around and goes back into the hallway to wait. 

Makoto comes down, but he doesn’t take the stairs inside. 

He wakes up on September 27th again. When he tries to roll out of bed, he isn’t remotely surprised to find that everything hurts. 

A quick once-over shows that there are scars all over his body, little knicks and gnarly gashes. Bruises and cuts and scrapes litter his skin. And goddamn, if he doesn’t feel tired. 

One benefit of the loops, he supposes, is that he has all the time in the world. He could get some sleep for once. But as soon as he wakes up, he promises himself, he’ll get back to trying to save everyone. 

His own livelihood comes as a distant afterthought. 

He wakes up. Checks the date. 

September 6th. He died in his sleep. 

His body still hurts, and his mirror is back on the wall. He tears it down, watching the glass shatter on the floor. Barely 8 in the morning, and he’s already breaking the mirror. 

The glass shards show his face. He looks more like a corpse than a person, with a cold dead look to his eyes and a stutter to his breathing that he didn’t notice before. 

Whenever he inhales, it’s like he’s inhaling gunpowder and chlorine. There’s a tinge of iron there too- probably from bashing his head one too many times. Probably from the shattering of bone and the impact of pavement and- 

He takes another shuddering breath, relishing in the sharp stabbing pain that blooms in his chest. He coughs, wheezes against his hand. It pulls away scarlet. He didn’t even have to touch the glass this time. 

Junpei comes in. He always does when he hears the mirror break. It doesn’t matter what time of day- if he’s home, he comes in. 

Makoto doesn’t bother resetting the loop. He lets Junpei check him for wounds, knowing damn well what he’ll find. Bruises and cuts and scars from injuries neither of them remember anymore. Knotted muscles and twisted scar tissue and mangled limbs. He lets Junpei look him over anyway. 

“You should seriously get some sleep, man. You look dead on your feet,” Junpei says, and Makoto almost wants to laugh. He fucking wishes. 

If only there was an easier way to do this. If only he could always reset the loop by going to sleep. At least then he’d eventually wake up rested, caught up, human. At least then he would be at peace for even a modicum of time. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about his friends seeing him so utterly broken. 

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me, Junpei,” he manages to say. His voice is ragged, like he’s just spent all morning screaming. He still tastes chemicals and iron and gunpowder, still feels every single cut and scrape and bruise on his beaten body. 

Junpei’s face contorts with worry. “Get some sleep man, seriously. You look ready to collapse.” 

“...Can I tell you something, Junpei? Promise you won’t tell anyone else?” He asks suddenly, ignoring the glass on the floor. It could wait. 

“Anything, man. I’m your right-hand guy, after all!” Junpei smiles. Makoto thinks he would tear the world apart to keep that smile on his face. 

Makoto can’t fight the smile that graces his face before it falls back into the mask of neutrality he’s worn for the better half of how-many-years he’s been trapped. 

“I am stuck in a timeloop,” he says, meeting Junpei’s gaze as steadily as he can given the circumstances. His vision is blurring and he knows he’s about to collapse at any minute and why did he tell Junpei about this- 

Junpei’s expression shifts to one of shock, and his eyes widen almost comically. “Dude-! You being for real!?” 

Makoto nods. “I’m tired, Junpei. I’m so tired.” 

Junpei, to his credit, takes it with ease. “Tell me about it. Your loop, I mean.” 

Makoto sits down on the floor, avoiding the glass shards. “Where it starts depends on when I loop. For example, the last loop started September 27th. I reset the loop, and ended up here. If I don’t loop at all, it resets automatically on March 5th.” 

“...So you loop back to the day after the last full moon Shadow?” Junpei asks, tapping his fingers against his leg as he sits next to Makoto. 

“That’s right. The only time I don’t do that is October 4th. If I loop the day after, I end up at September 27th, one week before.” 

Junpei hums thoughtfully, and his next questions sends a bolt of icy dread down Makoto’s spine. 

“How do you reset?” 

Makoto looks away, stares at where the glass glitters like stars on his floor. He picks up a shard, watches it cut into his palm. He watches the beads of scarlet rise to the surface, and squeezes his hand. 

“I have to die.” 

Junpei freezes. “Any... Specific way?” He asks, and his voice is quiet. Like he’s talking to a spooked animal. Like Ken did on the rooftop. Like Yukari does when she sees him stumbling through the hallways. 

“No. But I usually use the rooftop.” 

It feels weird talking about his death so casually, mentioning how he resets the loops. It feels as though he shouldn’t be talking about this, like he should keep it to himself. 

He continues talking, ignoring the glass shards that reflect every ugly part of him. He ignores the way his eyes shine with the same dull light as a corpse, the way his skin seems to cling to his bones, the way everyone looks at him like a ghost. 

Junpei listens to him talk, holds him close and says nothing. The silence after Makoto finally stops talking is near deafening, and he wishes that Junpei would just make one of his stupid jokes already. 

“...Maybe you have to save Aragaki-senpai and yourself,” he says finally. Makoto wants to scream. He knew he had to save Shinjiro, of course, but- how could he save himself? He had to sacrifice himself to seal Nyx, he was the only one with the powers of the Wildcard. 

Junpei continues. “We should come up with a codeword. Next loop, you tell me the word and I’ll know.” 

Makoto laughs. It’s such a Junpei answer that he can’t help but go along with it. 

In the end, they settle on ‘Messiah’ as the codeword. If only Junpei knew the story behind it. 

The next time he resets the loop, there on the roof, Junpei is there with him. They don’t hold hands, there’s no dramatic speeches. But just Junpei being there is enough. 

It’s always been enough. 

OUGH ok this one hits hard. makoto losing himself of course but everyone there to witness if every loop. makoto not wanting them to see him reset... its just so hopeless to him but he still cares about everyone else. and the way you write these really adds to the feeling. i love junpei caring for makoto even if he has trouble understanding it. hes doing whatever he can to help :D ughh i love junpei and im glad theres some sort of comfort for makoto in him.