#guhhhghhh

[rutabagargh]

life is so terrible in assignment hell I wish i was just hanging out with people and that was my job

[nero-vanderwolf]

“Ken-!” 

Makoto startles, scrambling from the railing. He hates whenever he accidentally resets a loop in front of his friends. 

One loop, after Junpei came in after he shattered his mirror to pieces, he hadn’t realised Mitsuru was on the roof. He had reset the loop right in front of her- and hadn’t even realised it until he heard her scream. 

Ken stares at him with wide eyes. Ken was too young for this. Far, far too young. Too young to be worrying about revenge, about Shadows, about death. Too young to be worrying about Makoto standing too close to the broken railings. 

“...Can you come downstairs, Makoto-san?” Ken asks, breaking the silence. 

Makoto didn’t think he still had the ability to cry, but his vision blurs anyways at the tone of Ken’s voice. It’s barely above a whisper, and he sounds like he’s about to cry. 

It sounds like he’s talking to a spooked animal. 

“...Yeah. Just- just give me a second, okay, Ken? I’ll be down in a minute,” he says. Ken looks like he wants to say something, but turns around and goes back into the hallway to wait. 

Makoto comes down, but he doesn’t take the stairs inside. 

He wakes up on September 27th again. When he tries to roll out of bed, he isn’t remotely surprised to find that everything hurts. 

A quick once-over shows that there are scars all over his body, little knicks and gnarly gashes. Bruises and cuts and scrapes litter his skin. And goddamn, if he doesn’t feel tired. 

One benefit of the loops, he supposes, is that he has all the time in the world. He could get some sleep for once. But as soon as he wakes up, he promises himself, he’ll get back to trying to save everyone. 

His own livelihood comes as a distant afterthought. 

He wakes up. Checks the date. 

September 6th. He died in his sleep. 

His body still hurts, and his mirror is back on the wall. He tears it down, watching the glass shatter on the floor. Barely 8 in the morning, and he’s already breaking the mirror. 

The glass shards show his face. He looks more like a corpse than a person, with a cold dead look to his eyes and a stutter to his breathing that he didn’t notice before. 

Whenever he inhales, it’s like he’s inhaling gunpowder and chlorine. There’s a tinge of iron there too- probably from bashing his head one too many times. Probably from the shattering of bone and the impact of pavement and- 

He takes another shuddering breath, relishing in the sharp stabbing pain that blooms in his chest. He coughs, wheezes against his hand. It pulls away scarlet. He didn’t even have to touch the glass this time. 

Junpei comes in. He always does when he hears the mirror break. It doesn’t matter what time of day- if he’s home, he comes in. 

Makoto doesn’t bother resetting the loop. He lets Junpei check him for wounds, knowing damn well what he’ll find. Bruises and cuts and scars from injuries neither of them remember anymore. Knotted muscles and twisted scar tissue and mangled limbs. He lets Junpei look him over anyway. 

“You should seriously get some sleep, man. You look dead on your feet,” Junpei says, and Makoto almost wants to laugh. He fucking wishes. 

If only there was an easier way to do this. If only he could always reset the loop by going to sleep. At least then he’d eventually wake up rested, caught up, human. At least then he would be at peace for even a modicum of time. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about his friends seeing him so utterly broken. 

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me, Junpei,” he manages to say. His voice is ragged, like he’s just spent all morning screaming. He still tastes chemicals and iron and gunpowder, still feels every single cut and scrape and bruise on his beaten body. 

Junpei’s face contorts with worry. “Get some sleep man, seriously. You look ready to collapse.” 

“...Can I tell you something, Junpei? Promise you won’t tell anyone else?” He asks suddenly, ignoring the glass on the floor. It could wait. 

“Anything, man. I’m your right-hand guy, after all!” Junpei smiles. Makoto thinks he would tear the world apart to keep that smile on his face. 

Makoto can’t fight the smile that graces his face before it falls back into the mask of neutrality he’s worn for the better half of how-many-years he’s been trapped. 

“I am stuck in a timeloop,” he says, meeting Junpei’s gaze as steadily as he can given the circumstances. His vision is blurring and he knows he’s about to collapse at any minute and why did he tell Junpei about this- 

Junpei’s expression shifts to one of shock, and his eyes widen almost comically. “Dude-! You being for real!?” 

Makoto nods. “I’m tired, Junpei. I’m so tired.” 

Junpei, to his credit, takes it with ease. “Tell me about it. Your loop, I mean.” 

Makoto sits down on the floor, avoiding the glass shards. “Where it starts depends on when I loop. For example, the last loop started September 27th. I reset the loop, and ended up here. If I don’t loop at all, it resets automatically on March 5th.” 

“...So you loop back to the day after the last full moon Shadow?” Junpei asks, tapping his fingers against his leg as he sits next to Makoto. 

“That’s right. The only time I don’t do that is October 4th. If I loop the day after, I end up at September 27th, one week before.” 

Junpei hums thoughtfully, and his next questions sends a bolt of icy dread down Makoto’s spine. 

“How do you reset?” 

Makoto looks away, stares at where the glass glitters like stars on his floor. He picks up a shard, watches it cut into his palm. He watches the beads of scarlet rise to the surface, and squeezes his hand. 

“I have to die.” 

Junpei freezes. “Any... Specific way?” He asks, and his voice is quiet. Like he’s talking to a spooked animal. Like Ken did on the rooftop. Like Yukari does when she sees him stumbling through the hallways. 

“No. But I usually use the rooftop.” 

It feels weird talking about his death so casually, mentioning how he resets the loops. It feels as though he shouldn’t be talking about this, like he should keep it to himself. 

He continues talking, ignoring the glass shards that reflect every ugly part of him. He ignores the way his eyes shine with the same dull light as a corpse, the way his skin seems to cling to his bones, the way everyone looks at him like a ghost. 

Junpei listens to him talk, holds him close and says nothing. The silence after Makoto finally stops talking is near deafening, and he wishes that Junpei would just make one of his stupid jokes already. 

“...Maybe you have to save Aragaki-senpai and yourself,” he says finally. Makoto wants to scream. He knew he had to save Shinjiro, of course, but- how could he save himself? He had to sacrifice himself to seal Nyx, he was the only one with the powers of the Wildcard. 

Junpei continues. “We should come up with a codeword. Next loop, you tell me the word and I’ll know.” 

Makoto laughs. It’s such a Junpei answer that he can’t help but go along with it. 

In the end, they settle on ‘Messiah’ as the codeword. If only Junpei knew the story behind it. 

The next time he resets the loop, there on the roof, Junpei is there with him. They don’t hold hands, there’s no dramatic speeches. But just Junpei being there is enough. 

It’s always been enough. 

OUGH ok this one hits hard. makoto losing himself of course but everyone there to witness if every loop. makoto not wanting them to see him reset... its just so hopeless to him but he still cares about everyone else. and the way you write these really adds to the feeling. i love junpei caring for makoto even if he has trouble understanding it. hes doing whatever he can to help :D ughh i love junpei and im glad theres some sort of comfort for makoto in him.

[werewoofers--remade-blog]

i feel rly shitty this morning. my allergies are killing me lmao