Two Months On... Jun. 17
Long post ahead, I won’t say “sorry in advance,” because sorry is a word I don’t use like that, but haha guess this is a warning that my word count was 1499 words. It’s two months of thoughts and feelings though.
Thursday, June 17, 2021
Today is hard. The past two months haven’t been incredibly hard, they’ve just been a lot. But today, things just caught up with me.
It feels like my life has been revolving around this failed relationship and I think about what happened every day. I’ve been angry for awhile now, after learning and realizing that I was in a toxic relationship. I haven’t been upset with myself, because I know it’s not myself. It’s not my fault that I liked and then seemingly loved somebody that was mostly great to me. It’s not my fault that in my first serious relationship, I wasn’t able to recognize the signs of manipulation. And it’s not my fault that I wasn’t ready to let go.
I learned that toxic or manipulative relationships aren’t just hostile, aggressive relationships. I think if they were then less people would find themselves in one. Those toxic relationships can be with people that are nice to you, buy you things, and compliment you. You might feel guilty for ever being uncomfortable with things they say or do- later learning that that was just you seeing the red flags- because your partner isn’t just being flat out mean to you. You might beat yourself down for ever doubting your partner and their intentions. You might make excuses for their behavior, as if that will make the behavior acceptable.
For me it was all of that. Looking back now, I don’t understand how I was happy with them. I went into the relationship knowing that my partner had just gotten out of a relationship a few weeks prior, and I knew that he was being dishonest with me about his past relationship. I knew he was talking to me when he was still with his ex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but it happened. He knew my boundaries before we dated and yet he pushed those boundaries constantly throughout the relationship. I felt like I was a bad person for telling him how my past relationships failed, but I did it so that he knew what type of character he was investing in. He said he understood me and was okay with my boundaries. So of course I was upset when his actions directly contradicted his words.
Through talks with people close to me, I realized that I wasn’t just an a-hole by being annoyed or upset by things he said and did. And when I imagined one of my friends telling me about my relationship as if it were theirs, I knew I would tell them to get away from said relationship. I asked myself how I could have possibly let myself get into that relationship? Let my feelings and boundaries be completely walked over time and time again. Asked myself why I kept making excuses for a guy I had only been dating for mere months. I thought, going into the relationship, that if things ended, it would be easy. I didn’t want to get too invested into the relationship because I felt like I was a rebound. This guy had just gotten cheated on in a two-year relationship. Why would I have thought that his feelings for me were real? I don’t blame myself for any of that now.
I’ve learned about love-bombing and other manipulation tactics. I know that I felt overwhelmed and trapped in the relationship for most of it. I moved to a new town and made zero friends, I stopped talking to my close friends from before the relationship- because he made it clear that he didn’t trust me to talk to anybody but himself. So I don’t blame myself now. I wasn’t the one in control. I wasn’t the person four years older than the other, with several long-term relationships and a reputation under my belt. I ended the relationship, but I still don’t blame myself.
The relationship didn’t end at the breakup though, which I’m sure is no surprise to most people. I tried to stay friends with him because we were both hurting too much after the relationship, and we thought we had a strong friendship. This didn’t stop him from treating me like his partner. Asking me if every human I interacted with was a new love interest of mine- with time, I realized this aspect was his bi-phobia. He ignored my feelings and boundaries still, even when I told him we’re no longer in a relationship and I could end the friendship easier than a relationship. It sounds cold, but this is just how it was. He visited me days before my birthday and we went on a trip. All we did was argue and I finally confronted him about how I suspected he had manipulated me. Then he- as much as I hate the term- gaslighted me. I felt like the worst person on earth for days. He left the next day and I was alone on my birthday, still feeling awful.
Our friendship was rocky because by then I knew to look out for the manipulation and toxicity. I distanced myself and started talking to old friends and meeting people in this new town. It started to feel like I was finally accepting this new phase of my life. Until recently when he and I had a huge blowout and I blocked him because I was finally fed up. When I realized his bi-phobia. That was the final straw for me. For weeks he had already been making me feel like shit, and then I recognized the bi-phobia and ended things for real. I was furious. I removed him everywhere. I deleted the songs we shared, the pictures we took, and I tried to forget the memories of him. He was constantly checking my social media even though I removed him, so I finally caved and blocked him there. I was angry for a week. Until today.
Today I felt all of the other feelings from the past two months. Mostly heartache. I wasn’t even that happy with him, but I felt heartache over the loss. The switch flipped when I opened Spotify and saw I hadn’t removed him there. I saw he made a new playlist, filled with all the songs he would play for us. Y’know, he never played songs I liked. He only played his favorite artists. It’s a dumb thing to be upset about now, but I can’t help it. He made a playlist for the two of us when we were together but it was all his favorite music. And so now he still relates our relationship with his favorite songs. He didn’t listen to my music the way I listened to his. I cared so much about showing interest in his interests and incorporating his tastes into my routine so that he would be satisfied. It only upsets me now because I just feel like I cared more about the little things than he did. I really did try, and yet I keep thinking I must not have since I’m the one that did the dumping.
I’ve listened to my music today. Crying, feeling empty, feeling sadness, feeling regret. There isn’t any anger today. I can’t handle the anger right now. I recovered some of our pictures and cried over them. I don’t miss him, so I don’t know why I’m feeling the ways I’m feeling. I don’t want to be upset with myself for not being able to identify why I’m feeling this way. He yelled at me for not being able to identify my feelings, so I won’t allow myself to treat me the way he did.
When I broke up with him, I thought I was going to feel everything completely and let those feelings heal me. I thought I had been healing. I thought I was over everything, so I just don’t understand why today has been so hard. I think getting everything out like this will help me move past it all. I’m tired of having all of these thoughts and experiences bottled up in my head when I want to move on. This will just have to be part of me feeling my feelings. I want to say goodbye to this part of my life and move forward. This person was my experience in what relationships shouldn’t feel like. I wasn’t happy. I don’t miss him, I don’t miss the relationship. I’m going to get all of this stuff out, accept what happened and move the fuck on.
If you actually read any of this, thanks I guess. It’s probably just a jumbled mess of words and thoughts and feelings, but this is the only way I can think of to get past what happened. I want my life to be about happiness and satisfaction again. I want to go a day and not think about a failed relationship. This is the last thing I think I can do to get to that. Let’s see what happens next.
