#panda journal

[mikaelsontrelbrid]

~~~Remember ‘24

We wave goodbye to the end of the beginning ~~~

[theblackhylian]

Once again, I did it...

I didn't jump at the chance. I waited...

and waited...

and waited.

Though it doesn't change things. You should be happy. I'm happy for you. So why does it feel like there's a hole in my chest? Like someone literally just took a 12 gauge, sawed off shotgun to my chest and blew a hole in it? Though, I'm happy for you. Your emotions, and how you feel, bear reassurance. Though it feels like middle school all over again. I didn't jump on the offer. I waited until you felt comfortable enough. I wanted you to be happy with what I was doing... It doesn't hurt, but the hole is there. I can feel my heart beating, but it's even fainter than my normal heartbeats. I wanna scratch where the hole exists, but I can't feel it when I do. I didn't seize the opportunity, and now it's gone. . .

Man, I'm such an idiot... Should've just told her how I felt, and asked when I had the chance.

I know I shouldn't reminisce on it... Though, looking at it firsthand... It's... I don't even know how to explain it.

[theblackhylian]

Where did I go off to?

Well, I've lost about 7 or so followers since I've been gone, so I'll recap for all of you that stuck around this long for me:

TECH

I've been having computer issues, which have now cleared up. Also, I've been in a bit of a slump around things in life. I've been trying to find inspiration to write my fanfiction, which eventually got deleted in a reformatting process of my computer (Luckily, I was still on the first chapter, which literally got nowhere). The problem?

... I keep thinking ahead of the actual story placed, and all my ideas come to fruition in different sections/arcs of storyline. - -"

With that, I've been... ehh... so so.  LIFE

Geez. This part can go either way. Life has been, uneventful, despite me being around friends and having fun. So, a better word would be, 'unmotivated', given the right form of sentence. Things started looking up recently. I mean, I'm actually talking to a girl right now, who I've been at a tug-o-war with for about half a decade to actually be with her. Though, she went to Italy, and I miss her dearly (though literally she probably got on the plane not even 3 hours ago). I got a job as well in a restaurant, which explains why I don't update daily, in comparison to when I used to. I will update as often as I can though about my life, or whatever I feel like on here. My word on it, seeing as it's all I ever do.

DANCE

I'm trying to fit this into the tight schedule I have now. Since I just got the job, I'm still on about.. 2 months probation right now? Yeah. Two months. Though, I maintain 2 crews, I'm working to pay back debts, pay for school, and pay back student loans until school, but more importantly, I've been working up money just for my crews and their respective members. I want to be able to help my crew mates grow, expand their scope of learning (as well as mine), and become better dancers. It's not just for them, but for me as well. I felt that, if I can, one at a time, I can attend a dance class with members who are dancing a style that they need improvement/help growing in. I want to be a part of their experience, as well as my own. My road is long, has no set path, but it is not steep. I intend to press onward with my crews to newer heights.

Well, that sums up about everything. Anyways, I'm back! Just... not as often as I used to be, aha. I love you guys for being this far with me. New, and old alike!

-- Link

[theblackhylian]

(3).2512

The only thing I can remember about that day is when she tried so hard to look at my scars without her glasses and she didn't want to put them on. she's just like an anime character, hand signals and all. I love these things and so much more about her. Though, the thing that I miss, is the way she would look at me and smile. I miss her. Friday should come already.

I wonder if she ever reads these...

[theblackhylian]

(3).2412

Today, I can safely say was one of the best days of my life. Spending it with my friends was literally the best feeling I could have. I watched Friends With Benefits at her house. You have any idea how hard it is to hold back your tears when his dad's talking to him about messing up? When she turned and looked at me for a split second, I was so absent-minded the entire time. xD

Anyways the food was amazing! I really wish I didn't keep eating the nachos. I had no room for bbq wings in time. That, and I almost choked on it. The best part today? Talking to my close friend one-on-one about me. No one really actually takes the time to get to know me more. She really does know how to make me feel better. When we were talking, it got serious for a bit, then she actually decided to draw me as a female and is finishing it tomorrow. I don't know what anyone else would think, but someone who takes the time to do stuff for me without me asking? Love that shit. 

She now knows the reason why I hug people for a long period. Again, it's another thing people don't know why I do that for. She loves my hugs and I love hers. Though, there's just one thing. I hate letting go of her. Why? Nothing makes me feel lonelier than wanting to be around someone, getting hugs from them, and your actual spirit allows you to pull the emotions with you. I can feel everything that was from her very touch. Sigh, it's going to be a long 14 days before her and I and all our friends hang out again.

[theblackhylian]

(3).1912

I'm willing to do anything. I just have something to prove now to the one who can make me feel safe.

[theblackhylian]

(3).1712

I finally turned 21. I feel no different, and I'm still in a state of depression. I hope it clears soon. I hate being alone. Turns out it's just another day I spend it as such. I've been hearing bad news and trying my best to fix people's bad moods. I'm... clusterfucked with emotions right now and don't know what to feel, but I don't think I can break down tonight.

[theblackhylian]

(3).1212

Well, I wonder what I'm going to do with my feelings. Should I fuck them all over and just become a cold, heartless fuck? Or should I be emotionless. I don't even know.

On other notes, I may quit my social life almost completely, for financial purposes until further  notice. When I moved out of my area, I learned that I've lost the value of a dollar, because I've always wanted to go other places, especially since Scarborough was getting boring for me. In my old area, I've never needed to worry, because I had all the essentials near me: friends, store with really cheap candy/stuff that I could just fend off of for days, nature, activities and people who lived near me. Now that I don't have a lot of those, I travel to many other places to accommodate for all that.

So, I may be on my computer a bit less, along with other things. Late nights will probably be the first to go. Dancing, I'll do when I travel now and again. I need to save money. I can't even hang onto my money. I used to make $5 last me a week and have about half of it or all of it left over. $20 lasted me a month. I was a master saver. Could build $100 really easily. I miss doing that. Some things have to change to see that change.