Just me rambling about writing and anxiety, and how these two work extremely well together ... against me. Not sure if any of it makes sense, I’m pretty emotional right now.
I’m so much better at writing than I am at drawing, I know that. And yet, I draw everyday, while that one four sentences long paragraph I wrote yesterday was the first thing I’d written in ages. Because it always feels as if I am terrible. I can’t write about the things I love and the things that interest me because it always feels as if I were insulting them with the ‘poor quality’ of my works. That makes writing fan-fiction impossible for me (even though there are character dynamics, settings and scenarios I’d love to explore more), but even original fiction simply feels awful. Awful as in, writing is the only thing still powerful enough to cause me an anxiety attack. Even when I show it to nobody. In fact, I don’t think that’s the main problem - typing it, actually writing it down is the hell part of it. My muscles tense up, my fingers start shaking, I feel dizzy and hot - feverish, almost, and suddenly I can’t focus anymore. I mean, what the fuck? It’s literally painful, and it feels as if a thousand eyes are watching me create, and they say, ‘this is bad, and you are a disgrace for writing it.’
And I hate it. It’s so ridiculous, so nonsensical, it’s such utter bullshit. It’s random, it serves no purpose. Writing used to be so fun, and I’ve always been so good at it ... but now it’s torture, I start writing and my body goes into survival mode, almost like it’s a fuckin’ phobia. Yes, that’s pretty much exactly what it feels like. I know that spiders (at least the ones we have here in Germany) can’t do any serious harm to me, and that if I touched enough of them I’d eventually stop being afraid of them. And writing is even less dangerous; it’s probably one of the safest things to do in the world. And I also know that, most likely, the terrible feelings would fade if only I forced myself to write more, to finally write what I’d love to write, regardless of how it felt. But no, that’s exactly what’s stopping me. “Write everyday” ... yeah, no thanks. I don’t feel like going through hell everyday. As much as I’d love to be able to.
Fuck. Why writing? Why couldn’t this be my problem with drawing instead, the thing I’m naturally less talented at? But no, it had to be writing, of course. Maybe because I’m too perfectionistic about it. Because with skill there usually also come pretty high standards, and thus - the fear of losing that skill and no longer being able to live up to your own standards. But it’s confusing. I’m sure many if not most writers feel extremely perfectionistic about their writing. But I’ve only ever heard one or two say they also get panic attacks.
If anyone has experience with this and/or know how to solve this in the least painful way possible, please tell me. Thank you so much in advance.
