#panicwhenyourerachel

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Hello

No one looks at this and it's honestly really refreshing. I've missed staying up all night and just being me. Watching tv, listening to music, browsing tumblr. I want to cry. I wanna go on a run. Makes sense. I only ever wanna run when it's late at night and I need to run from my problems. I might go smoke a cig but first I want to write. I don't know what I want to say but the consistent typing is fine for now. For anyone who does see this and reads it. Thank you, whether you're my friend or a random stranger.

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Hello, once again

I’m back and my has it been a while. Since I’ve written on Tumblr or written in general. 

Well, here’s how I’m doing:

I’m still alive,

I’m in a band

I work a shitty full time job at Starbucks

I still cant stand my friends

I love my friends

No one asks whether I’m alright

I’m still in emotional pain

I still cant open up to people.

I’m somehow looking on the bright side

I’m pretty excited about my future.

More to come soon. I promise I’ll stay updated

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

I don't even care what you look like. It's just your soul that I'm looking at. You can look like the finest thing in the world but if you've got a bad spirit I will not give you a second look.

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Blog-A-Day 7/25/2015

Don't you hate when someone plants an idea in your head. I had a friend tell me last night that he was worried about me developing schizophrenia which is fine. It runs in my family that's just a fact. I do have some symptoms of early warning signs but that's mainly because I've had anxiety ADD and depression for a while. But literally ever since he said that I can't get the thought out of my head. I'm now worried about every little thing I do that it could be a sign I've developed schizophrenia. Im worried that all of a sudden I won't be me anymore and I'll just be someone who hears voices and is paranoid about everything. I didn't even think about that until the idea was brought up by him. I would have rather he never said anything to me. I already have generalized anxiety like I didn't need that to be said to me. My behavior hasn't changed since I met him. I feel the best thing to do is pray and see a doctor I guess. But idk, I really doubt I have it and I don't really have enough early on symptoms (nowhere near half) to just have it. But gosh, now that the thought is there it's there. There's no un-questioning my mental well being.

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Blog-A-Day 7/22/2015

I can feel my heart and mind shutting down. I don't want to think about Sandra Bland anymore. I don't want to think about how many of us will be killed before something changes. I don't want to think about how none of us are safe. I'm going to sleep Stay positive, tumblr.

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Blog-a-day 7/21/2015

Hey guys. After this I'm gonna read my bible and go to sleep. It's been a good day. Besides my bank account being overdrawn I'm doing so much better. I hope I can stay strong through the school year. I know my journey will be a good one though. I met up with a lot of old friends. I needed that. I love (miss) being able to talk with them. Starting tomorrow I'm going to work on music and writing. I know I can only take this one day at a time so I'm trying not to make myself do too much. Though I probably should pack tbh. I haven't meditated in a while but I kind of forgot how to so I guess I'll have to start over. But maybe that means I need to find a new kind of meditation that fits more with my new life. Oh well, all in its own time I guess. Stay beautiful and weird tumblr!

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Blog-A-Day 7/18/2015

Shannon comes home in two days!! 😍 I've missed her so much. Actually probably more than I missed Ragaa. It's funny how things can change. Something I've realized is that I've grown a lot this summer. Mainly, I've stopped calling myself a fuck up. I realized I made some mistakes (quite a bit actually) but they made me who I am. My mistakes along with my failures and successes have brought me to where I am now. I'm actually a lot happier than my high school days or even my fist semester of college. Happiness is just a mentality but mentality's can be hard to change when you're so used to being in one. I think my next step is to get professional help... And a job. I'm not giving up anymore. Never again.

[panicwhenyourerachel-blog]

Blog-A-Day 7/17/2015

My account is overdrawn and I don't have the money to replace it. I do t want to tell my parents because this isn't the first time it's happened. Maybe on Monday I need to go give plasma... I'm just trying to keep faith in God. I'm still reading Genesis but I honestly have no question that God exists, blessed people, and loves the world. I do have trouble believing he will kill off his creation knowing they would lead to this path from the beginning. I have trouble believing that a righteous loving God would punish people for losing them self. I like the idea of being a Jew more than a Christian these days. There's a lot of New Testament stuff that makes sense but not us going to Hell for not worshipping God enough. I just can't see God that way. But I'm still on in Genisis (as parts of proverbs) so what can I really say. Other than the overdraft (could this be a test? Did I fail it already? Or is this bad karma coming after me?) I feel a lot better. I'm trying to stay healthy. I need to work on not overeating tbh. And I'm working on my first album. Though it will probably be edm mainly I really want to add in everything. Rock, indie, edm, rap. I want each song to be different but me. And I like so much so why not have it all in there. I'll keep updates on that. I don't have a name for the album yet but it's going to be out on New Year's Day. I'm determined on that. Not sure of what else to say so I'm going to get off and sleep. Good night, tumblr. Stay beautiful.