#panjokami rambles

[sillywillyx]

hey is it fine if I talk about the things I struggle with as a person with mental health issues-? Idk if I should or not- I kinda feel like maybe I'll be understood a bit more if I did.

[sillywillyx]

Trying to open a bit more on here.

I had asked a while ago if it was fine to talk about the struggles I go through as a person with mental health issues- it seems you guys were okay with it, so maybe I can share some things about myself:

I have autism and ADHD, alongside with severe anxiety and depression. These were diagnosed some time ago, and it honestly makes sense as to why I am the way I have been all my life. I struggle immensely with self image and doing basic things such as common chores or even things like getting out of bed or taking a shower when I'm supposed to. I think I might also have some sort of rejection/abandonment issue as well, I'm not sure what it is, but it makes me spiral quite often because I overthink a LOT.

I feel these boulders on my shoulders, and it only seems to get heavier the older I get because of things that are more expected of me to know. But the thing is is that I don't know. I don't know how to operate as an adult, and it frustrates me so much. I can't deal with majority of things most people can. Certain sounds, textures, and color combinations drive me up the wall. Feminine vocal fries are a big agitation to my ears, to name one.

I crave for human interactions, and yet at the same time, I want to be left alone. I struggle with wanting to be seen and wanting to initiate conversations. I have a hard time asking for the most simplest things if I were talking to someone I hardly know. I'm afraid of judgement and rejection, like I'll just be cast aside in a ditch somewhere because I wouldn't matter.

I can't exactly work per se, it would have to be in a more controlled and predictable environment with routine. I cannot withstand fast paced and/or demanding jobs. Which is why I kinda enjoyed being a cleaner, it was much more quiet and I could do things at my own pace. But unfortunately, that doesn't make enough money for me to actually afford to live by myself.

My brain can't decide at all oftentimes as well. I want to draw sometimes and I'm in the mood for it, and then suddenly I'm in the mood to do something else instead. It makes me agitated because I wanted to draw, but now my brain is telling me different. And I can't even force myself to do it either. Forcing myself to draw because I wanted to would only frustrate me even more if I'm not in the mood for it. I have to be in the mood to do things, and my brain just switches it whenever it feels like.

Routine and music helps me out a lot. When I have to do boring routines like dishes, I stick headphones in my ears to block out the world and think about other things while doing it. Kinda like going on autopilot in a way? If something disrupts any of it, I get frustrated easily and sometimes even start panicking over it.

Anything I'm obsessed with is my comfort. I love Wilson very much if it wasn't evident enough already XD

But it's why a lot of my drawings can be incredibly dark sometimes too. Drawing depressing things is a comfort of mine because it helps get the bad thoughts out on paper oftentimes. It makes me feel better. DSF Wilson is an exaggerated portion of myself, to be honest. While I have not gone through some of the things he did growing up, the feelings are all there. The wounds he hides, the burdens he carries. Struggling with self worth and his own mind is something I relate to heavily.

Anyways, thanks for reading. This pretty much sums up the things I go through. And I'm sorry for the times I vent posted and then deleted it hours later. Even right now, I feel like it's selfish to tell everyone publicly about these things I deal with, like I'm just seeking attention.