Problems of shopping with an American when you live in England number five hundred and two.
Me: Don't go anywhere, don't move from that spot, you got it?
Virgil: *nods* Got it. All good. No need to worry. Situation is under control.
Me: You sure?
V: I'm sure.
Me: I'll be two minutes, I'm just picking up an order and then we can go.
V:*crosses his arms and leans casually against the nearest shop fitting* It's fine, I don't mind shopping.
Me: This is why you're my favourite.
V: You said that to Alan yesterday because he shared his chips with you.
Me: Maybe I lied.
V: Maybe you're lying now.
Me: I am, you got me, I'm gonna be at least ten minutes because that line looks huge.
V: Better hurry up then.
Me: On it *salutes and runs off deeper into the store*
V:This won't be too bad...
Sales assistant: *pops up out of nowhere like a meerkat the second I leave* Hello sir.
V: *jumps out of his skin* Oh, uh, hello.
SA: What can I interest you in today?
V: Oh, nothing, thank you, I'm just waiting for my sister.
SA: You're here now so you might as well take a look around.
V: Actually, I promised my sister I wouldn't move.
SA: Oh, we won't go far. Just follow me, and I'll show you some of our newest items that might suit a strapping fellow like yourself.
V: No! I... *Gets hustled along and gives up trying to argue*
SA: What are you in need of?
V: Nothing, I'm good, got all I need.
SA: Nonsense, everyone needs something.
V: *pondering* I guess I could use a new pair of pants, I blew a hole right through my last pair.
SA: A hole? *eyes grow a little wide* Oh, erm *clears her throat, recovering her composure* Right this way, sir.
V: *follows along behind like a giant puppy*
SA: Do you have a style preference?
V: Not really, just standard pants, standard cut, but I do need them to be hard wearing as they'll take a bit of a battering.
SA: *coughs delicately* Indeed, sir. And what kind of material?
V: I usually stick with denim.
SA: I... I'm sorry sir, but we don't carry anything of that sort.
V: *looking confused, her tone indicating that 'that sort' was something displeasing and rather obscene* O...K, then can you just show me what you do have?
SA: Of course *stops near the department and looks him up and down* For sizing I'd assume a large or extra large?
V: *blushes a little, he thought he kept himself in reasonably good shape quite honestly* I don't know I don't usually have that kind of sizing.
SA: *straightens her shoulders, obviously wishing she'd never approached him in the first place* Then let's stick with style, we have boxers, briefs or trunks along with the less traditional jockstrap style if you feel so inclined.
V: *chokes and splutters* Excuse me?
SA: * holds up a pair of boxers to his front* These look like they would suit you, they are quite hard-wearing, extra strong elastic, plenty of room for-
V: *snatches the boxers away, face bright red* I just want some pants, just a plain pair of pants!
Me: *ambling over with my order* Why are you screaming and waving a pair of pants around?
V: I'm not! *Still holding the boxers*
Me: *points at them* Pants.
V: These are boxers, underwear, not what I wanted at all. I just wanted some pants! I didn't want to be paraded around the underwear section and have my size debated!
Me: You asked for pants. Those are pants.
V: No, these are pants! *Slaps his thigh then yanks at the seam of his jeans*
Me: Oh. He means that he wants a pair of trousers or jeans.
SA: Oh, well he could have just said that.
Poor Virgil, he's never going to forgive me for leaving him alone in the menswear department.
