i ugly cried the whole session yesterday. i guess that's how tired i am already of my baggages. i told my doctor that i'm not really "living" anymore, and sort of just surviving/always in a survival mode. i also told her that i now just realized that i subconsciously let go of the things that i was interested in. i stopped reading (despite posting here numerous books-- i try sooo hard to read them, but i ended up closing it after five minutes of staying on the same page) i stopped my creative writing hobby because all i can think of are depressing thoughts. i stopped enjoying/savoring food and started stress-eating. my sleeping pattern's fucked. and the worst part is, i don't see myself in the near future.
i don't know where the depression is rooted anymore. i'm physically okay, i'm financially getting by, and i'm appreciated by my support system. career-wise, i know i'm getting better day by day. so, why the hell am i still depressed??? why do i keep on having su!c!dal thoughts every single day? why do i feel like i've done my part already, and am ACTUALLY OKAY with the thought of unal!v!ng myself?
my psychiatrist even gave me a small exercise of imagining my own clinic; she asked what color did i see when it came to visualizing the surroundings of my clinic. i cried even more because i never imagined having one, let alone the color of its walls. i don't have long-term goals; i tried thinking of some, but ended with nothing significant. i live day by day, i mean, it's okay, but until when? she asked if i tried to open these worries to my parents, and i said no because they already have a lot on their plates.
so the takeaway here is: increased dosage on one of my medications, again. i even asked for a prescription for my sleeping problem. she told me that she'll reach out to my parents and tell them what i told her. i was okay with it yesterday, but now that i'm thinking about it, i should've just said to keep it between us. (pero dahil sinabi ko naman na dito, what's the use of hiding it lol)
idk, i'm not expecting significant results anymore. i just want the dreadful thoughts to go away.
- تقنية 4D لتحليل وضعية الجسم و وضيفة العامود الفقري من دون الحاجة إلى الأشعة. #PAOT #Prosthetics_And_Orothotics_Team #فيرتاتو https://www.instagram.com/p/B5V_6tGJbOl/?igshid=1w1edhol2qsda
Today I had the opportunity to attend my very first Congress Hearing. I am very thankful for that opportunity, and I hope there would be more to come in the future. OTSA and UPHSD represent! 🤙🏽💪🏼 #PAOT #OTSA #OTSAPinas #PH_OTLaw #Congress #Hearing #Thankful
