“Shut up, Quill! I DO NOT CARE what you have to say!” Rocket yells as he slams the front door in Peter’s face as the Guardians, except for Kraglin, who stayed back to babysit Groot, came home from shopping at the local grocery store.
Rocket stormed off towards his and Groot’s room, which was more of a nursery right now to cater towards the sapling’s needs, but Rocket still had a corner that had a small cramped workbench that was stuffed with parts for different weapons that the pyromaniac raccoon was building.
As Rocket walked by, Groot stirred in his crib and cooed, peaking out and smiling from beneath his blanket.
Rocket stopped in his tracks so that he could unhinge the pair of swinging doors on the side of the crib that made it easier for him to tuck Groot in at night and get him up in the morning or after a nap. Groot smiles and coos at his father.
“Yeah, I missed you too.” Rocket couldn’t help but return the smile his son gave him as he took the blanket off of the tiny tree who was wearing an adorable blue onesie that Mantis had sewn for him that had his idol, Bob Ross, on the front.
Rocket’s nose then smells something foul as he picked Groot up. “Did Kraglin change your diaper before your nap?”
“Ugh! Gross!” The raccoon immediately answered his own question as he repositioned Groot in his arms and placed one of his paws underneath him.
Rocket takes Groot over to the changing table and lays him down before grabbing a baby wipe and cleaning his hands. He then reaches for a rattle and gives it to Groot to distract him as Rocket changed him. Upon further inspection, Rocket discovers that the diaper Groot was wearing leaked through to his onesie and he needed to get a new one on. In the middle of all of this, there was a knock on the bedroom door.
“Hey, uh, Rat?” Kraglin cautiously opens it, having heard the raccoon struggle with changing Groot and remembering that Groot always has a fresh diaper on him before he takes his afternoon nap everyday, which he forgot to do. “Are ya busy?”
“No, Kraglin.” Rocket replies sarcastically as he finished up and getting Groot dressed in a new yellow onesie that had rockets all over it. Rocket then picks up Groot and cradles him in his arms.
“I! am! Groooot!” The seedling shouts as he squirms in Rocket’s arms, wanting to be put down.
“Alright, Groot. I forgot that Bob Ross is starting soon.” Rocket concedes as he placed the tree on the ground. Groot crawls towards the staircase before climbing on top of the banister and using it as a slide to get downstairs faster. “Hehe, resourceful, ain’t he?”
“Yup.” Kraglin agrees as he scratches his head. “Whatever you say.”
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An hour passes, and Rocket was still angry with Peter. Whenever he tried to reconcile, Rocket just gave off a warning snarl and Peter just backed off, not wanting to get bit, but the desire to apologize was not worth the risk.
Rocket continues his way down the hallway until he sees Kraglin in the kitchen. The angry Procyon didn’t acknowledge the Xandarian, just huffing as he walked by and took a seat on the counter.
“Hey Rat.” Kraglin greeted, trying to change Rocket’s mood. “How is everything?”
Rocket didn’t respond.
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A short while later, the door swung open again and a very angry, (but still adorable) Groot came storming into the kitchen and using his arms, outstretches them so he could climb up next to Rocket before dramatically sitting down on his father’s lap.
“Hey Twig.” Kraglin waves to Groot, who ignores him. “Oh, sorry...”
Rocket knows that when the tree refuses to say hello to someone that he’s extremely angry at something. “What’s wrong, buddy?”
“I am Groot!” The child pouts.
“Whoa, language!” Rocket scolds his son. “But since it’s Star-Dump, I’ll let it slide. What’d he do now?”
Groot looks at Rocket and in all seriousness says, “I am Groot.” He explains while punching an imaginary figure that was Peter.
“He turned off Bob Ross to watch some stupid FOOTBALL GAME?!?!” Rocket couldn’t believe that Peter would snatch the remote and change the channel on the Bob Ross-obsessed toddler. “Just out of curiosity, who was playing?”
“I am Groot.” The tiny tree replied.
Rocket facepalms. “The Miami Dolphins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Ugh, those teams SUCK! And then he turned the station to watch the Dallas Cowgirls and the New England Cheatriots?!”
“I am Groot.” Groot corrected his father.
“I don’t care what the NFL calls them!” Rocket stated. “I call them by what the fanbase calls them and that’s Cowgirls and Cheatriots. NOT ‘Cowboys’ and ‘Patriots.’ Plus, Bill BeliCHEAT and Tom Brady should be banned from football! Especially after SpyGate and DeflateGate!”
Groot was upset at having his TV time cut short. “I am Groot.”
“Hey, we will make him pay.” Rocket vows to Groot.
“I am Groot?”
Rocket shook his head. “Nah. You gotta think bigger than just switching his coffee to decaf.” The raccoon then chuckled. “Although that would be hilarious...”
Kraglin was rifling through the cupboards. “Noooo! We have no soup!” He then turns back to face Rocket and Groot. “Hey, guys, I’ll be back in an hour and then we’ll continue thinking of ways to prank Cap’n.”
Groot then tugs at Rocket’s jumpsuit. “I am Groot?”
Rocket then knelt down. “I like the way you think! Of course pranking Quill with food would be hysterical! But what food would be perfect to do so?” He strokes his whiskers deep in thought.
“Well, there’s a dish on Terra that would be perfect.” Kraglin suggests. “It’s called Ramen and according to the internet you can put anything and everything in it.” Kraglin then hands over his tablet to Rocket, who looks at it and cackles. “I think this recipe would be perfect!”
Rocket smiles as he shows Groot the recipe, who joins in on the laughter. “Alright, Kraglin, you convinced us. Let’s go!”
“Wait, Rat, we have to go to Terra.” Kraglin states.
“I know.” Rocket acknowledges as he helps Groot put his coat on. He then turns back to Kraglin. “What’re we waiting for?”
“Um, Rat, we have to go to Walmart.” Kraglin began, but Rocket didn’t pay attention as he grabbed Groot’s diaper bag and threw it over his shoulder as he carried Groot. “Aren’t you and Twig banned from there after the time you guys went to get Thanksgiving dinner?” Rocket suddenly remembers himself and Groot getting arrested on Earth and brought back home. He then puts down Groot and all of his stuff. “Don’t worry, I know what to get and I’ll be back in a few hours.” He assured them as he grabbed the keys to the Milano and headed out.
———————
Two hours later, Kraglin returned from Walmart without getting arrested. He entered the kitchen where Rocket and Groot were waiting.
“I was able to get almost everything.” Kraglin announces as he placed the bags down.
Rocket searches all the bags. “Where’s the chicken?”
“Uh, about that.” Kraglin wasn’t sure how to describe his trip to Walmart. He looked like he was in a war zone with his clothes torn up and hair all raggedy. “It would turn out that the Terrans are freaking out about something that they can’t see and they went crazy in Walmart and by the time I fought my way back to where they keep the chicken, they were all out.” He then gets out a 50 pack of 2-ply toilet paper and a gallon jug of Purell. “But hey, I got the last of the toilet paper and this stuff called Purell. The checkout lady says that stuff is going for a lot of money on the internet. I figure that I can make even more money if I put the hand sanitizer into tiny little bottles and sell the toilet paper by the square.”
“I like that plan!” Rocket was proud that his ways of conning people out of their hard-earned money was finally rubbing off on Kraglin. His attention then turned back to the task at hand. “But the ramen won’t look as weird without the chicken feet. You got any other ideas for what we could use?”
“Actually, I got the perfect thing!” Kraglin exclaims as he placed a rotting animal carcass on the counter. “A fresh, dead Orloni! Courtesy of me running over it five minutes ago.”
Rocket rubs his paws in excitement. “Perfect!”
As Kraglin and Rocket worked on the ramen, Groot was given the very important task of keeping everyone else, especially Peter, away from the kitchen. The toddler found that the easiest way was to brandish two steak knives that were as long as he was tall and swinging them haphazardly as the tiny tree ran after them while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Meanwhile, Rocket cut, sliced, and gutted the Orloni just like he did with the turkeys that he and Groot got from Walmart not too long ago. The raccoon cut off the legs, tail, and head as he expertly placed the meat in with the rest of the ingredients that Kraglin was preparing. (He was the Guardians’ resident expert in all things soup and soup-related.)
After the ramen was ready and poured into Peter’s favorite bowl, Groot came back after chasing Drax away.
“I am Groot?” The toddler asks as he pointed to something green that was on the counter.
“This stuff is called wasabi, Twig, and it’s very spicy.” Kraglin divulges as he opened up the pack. “I went into this specialty store after I left Walmart and the lady said that this is the authentic wasabi, as the stuff sold in the regular stores is just imitation.”
“Really?” Rocket demands as he grabbed the mysterious green paste and took a pea-sized piece and ate it. “It ain’t all that bad-. HOLY CRAP!” He screams as he spit it out and ran straight for the fridge as he got out a water bottle. He then saw Groot break off an even larger marble-sized piece and place it inside his mouth. “GROOT, NO!” But it was too late, Groot already swallowed the wasabi and instantly regretted it, screaming bloody murder. Rocket made Groot drink from his water bottle to ease the taste in his mouth.
“I was gonna warn you-.” Kraglin apologizes as Rocket put Groot down and began to rub the inside and outside of the Orloni’s carcass and legs with the wasabi. “What’re you doing?”
“Giving Star-Munch an unexpected surprise...” Rocket divulges as he finished up. “Hm... it’s still missing something...”
Groot pointed at the orloni’s head. “I am Groot!”
“Great idea, Groot!” Rocket commends the child as he opened the orloni’s mouth and placed a tiny ball bearing inside before placing it inside the bowl. The head sinks to the bottom, another surprise in store for their Fearless Leader.
“You two are weird...” Kraglin states before he left.
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It was dinner time, the Guardians were all gathered around the table. Rocket was able to get Groot into his high chair for the first time on his own. Kraglin went back into the kitchen to get everyone’s food, as each person wanted something different to eat tonight.
“Hey, Quill, me and Groot want to let ya know that we’re not mad at you for being an even bigger idiot than usual.” Rocket implies as Kraglin set the bowl in front of Peter. “So we made you something special. Hope you enjoy it.”
“Does the sarcasm come with the meal?” Peter asked.
“No, that’s complimentary.” Rocket answers as Peter ate the ramen.
“This is good, Rocket. A little spicy but-.” Peter then discovers the floating Orloni head in the ramen. “What the-?!”
Peter ran to the bathroom to throw up. He, Rocket and Groot were even now.
