#para np

[theyearofthestar]

[ atonement ] rachel & puck

WHO: Rachel Berry @theyearofthestar​ & Naomi Puckerman @puckyeah​

WHERE: Puck’s police vehicle, Brooklyn to Manhattan

WHEN: Tuesday, September 18

WHAT: Forgiveness and moving forward.

rachel

Dinner on Sunday is another somber affair. Rachel isn't sure if the mood has to do with the upcoming holiday, or because Puck's not present. If it's the latter, Rachel knows she's the sole individual at fault. After weeks of stilted cordiality it's time to rectify the situation, so she sends a text. We need to talk. 

Under most other circumstances, those four words would be a loaded statement, one crafted with ominous undertones, but for Rachel they're nothing but fact. She and Puck do need to talk, or rather she needs to talk and Puck needs to listen. After a brief exchange they arrange for Puck to pick Rachel up in Brooklyn. And as thanks for the ride into the city and for listening, Rachel promises bagels and coffee.

puck

Puck's not a bad person, she doesn't think. Kind of a fuck up, maybe, and not the best at monogamy, but a good person. So when Rachel says they need to talk, she figures there's no reason why she shouldn't go and see what she has to say. After all, what Rachel said had been hurtful, sure, but it hadn't been a lie. Puck did basically keep joking about something Rachel had told her not to joke about. So, here they are. 

She drives to Brooklyn and waits in the car, texting Rachel so she'll meet her there. If she's going to drive back into the city with her anyway she's not going to go through the trouble of finding a parking space.

rachel

Rachel's watching from the window that faces the street, and considering Puck's service vehicle isn't hard to miss, she's already headed down the flight of stairs when her phone buzzes. Climbing into the car, Rachel wears a smile. It's actually genuine, because she's at peace (mostly) with what she's about to admit and she hopes Puck is willing to move forward from this awkwardness with her. 

Handing over one of the takeaway coffee cups and the paper bag with Puck's bagel, Rachel says, "I asked my mom your usual order, so if it's wrong, you can blame her." She believes mentioning Shelby right off the bat in the nature she does sets the tone for the rest of their talk.

puck

Puck greets her with a nod. It's not about the situation between them, she's just not very talkative in the morning. Or at any other time of the day, if she's being perfectly honest. But she's relaxed as she takes the offered cup, and even as she chooses not to say that if Shelby's picked it, it'll be perfect. Shelby knows what Puck likes to have for breakfast. 

"Thanks, it's good." She puts her cup in the holder and leaves the bagel nearby for later. She's supposed to give a good example, and eating a bagel while she drives is probably not the kind of example she's supposed to set. "So," she starts, putting the car in motion, "what's up?"

rachel

Rachel settles into her seat and waits until they've driven a couple blocks before starting. "Well, I assume you're aware of the impending importance of sundown this evening, and given the time year I'm here to ask for your forgiveness." She enjoys apologizing about as much as she enjoys admitting she's wrong, and Rachel takes a steadying breath before continuing. "My mother is such an important part of my world." Rachel refrains from mentioning how important Puck is in her mother's world, because even if she believes it to be true, she's learning it's not her place to pronounce such a declaration. "As such I've allowed my feelings about what I believe she deserves to cause tension in your relationship with her, in my relationship with her, and in our relationship. And--" Another deep breath-- "that's not right. 

"I don't think I'll ever understand your relationship." As Puck stated, it's five years old now. "But I don't have to, right? It's not my relationship. And since you're two, consenting adults, the least I can do is respect it, and I failed to do that. 

"And please don't misunderstand me, Naomi. When I say what I believe my mom deserves, I mean someone who loves her and takes care of her, and that is you. Do I wish it was on a more permanent basis? Perhaps, but I suppose," Rachel pauses to smile, "five years is fairly permanent. At the end of the day you're present, you love her, and you make her happy. And I'm very sorry I've infringed on that happiness for these past weeks and I do hope you'll be able to forgive me."

puck

Puck's a pretty good listener, so that's what she does as she drives in silence. She listens. And what Rachel says makes her feel... pretty good. She does love Shelby. She takes care of her. She's present. And she tries to make her happy. She kinda wishes she could give her and Rachel the whole Hallmark movie scene where she realizes her ways have been wrong and unfulfilling and she's ready to settle down and marry Shelby and maybe have a couple kids to send to Hebrew school so they won't fall for shit like her tattoo saying 'despacito' like Rachel does. Sure, she wishes that was an option. But it's not, and honestly, she's not going to apologize for doing her best. 

"Yeah, we're good. It's no big." As she said, the Hallmark movie scene is just not gonna happen. But she does figure she can maybe say a couple more words. "You know, I'm not permanent. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not here to sell the whole... commitment phobic lone wolf shtick until I find the right girl and I decide to go full monogamist and put an U-Haul on it, y'know?" Because she knows that's a popular approach, and while she doesn't give two shits what other people do with their time and their beds, that's just not her deal at all. "It's not gonna get more right than Shelby. I mean, she's it, I've peaked." Because that's the thing about 'commitment phobic until loved out of it' deal. It makes it seem like Puck's bidding her time until she finds someone better. And she knows there's no such thing as better than Shelby, so she wants to make that clear.

"Y'know, I'm kind of a fuck up. Not all the time, but... well, you know." Because they've known each other a while. Rachel's dating Quinn, the girl who taught Puck she just shouldn't ever pretend to be someone she's not because people get hurt. Rachel's seen her take like, three times as long as your average agent to get the detective promotion. Rachel knows her pretty damn well, so she doesn't need to explain. "If things stay like this, nobody gets hurt. I can save fucking up for my own time and be good for her. And she can find the permanent thing she deserves. Cause I know she does." She's not just saying that, either. Look at Evie, and Kitty, and all her other friends with benefits who found the right person. She means it when she says she wants them to find someone else. "So I just don't want you acting like I'm here using her or being a dick to her. Cause I think you know she's too smart to put up with that bullshit for five years."

rachel

Instead of sighing in frustration, Rachel takes a long drag of her coffee. She swallows down the drink and her need for rebuttal. Because while they both agree that Shelby deserves someone more permanent, there will no agreement on whom that individual is. "I don't think you're using her. I've never thought that, and not because you like to play Mr. Fix-It around the house." Rachel glances in Puck's direction and grins. The amount of squeaky hinges and dripping faucets fixed, burned out bulbs replaced and furniture building Puck has done is pretty priceless. There's not a room in the house that doesn't have some permanent touch of hers. "I'm certain someone that was using someone else wouldn't construct and build that person a custom-made shelf."

puck

The furniture she's built and stuff she's fixed around Shelby's house is one of those things they don't really talk about. Puck does it, and she knows what it means, and she thinks Shelby knows, too, but they don't really acknowledge it out loud. But Rachel does. And it's a little... she'd say it's a little like being caught mid-fuck, but frankly, that wouldn't have felt as invasive at this. This is feelings stuff. Private shit. In a way, she never thought anyone realized what was going on between her and Shelby, beyond an ongoing fwb thing. "She deserves good shelves." 

She deserves more than shelves, but shelves is the best Puck can give her, so it is what it is. She'll keep building shelves that mean things much bigger than anything you can buy at Home Depot. Because she knows she fucks things up. Ask her Ma. But the shelves and all the furniture she's ever built for Shelby... well, she can't fuck that up. It'll keep being nice and making Shelby's life a little better even without her. 

"I'd never hurt her," she kinda blurts it out after a few moments of silence. "If I ever thought I was gonna hurt her or make her unhappy, I'd get out of her life before it happened. You know that, right?" She thinks Rachel must, but just in case. She knows her leaving would hurt her too, in a way. But she saw her father finally fuck off out of her and her Ma's life and that hurt was miles better than the one he caused when he was around. So she thinks she knows what she's talking about. She'd leave before she put Shelby through any kind of pain. "I want her happy. That's pretty much it."

rachel

"I know, Naomi. She wouldn't keep you around if you did. Hurt her that is." Rachel knows that for a fact. And she knows that Shelby and Puck have been doing what works for them for five years because there's a certain level of trust and respect, and even if neither will say it aloud, love that keeps them together. "And you wanting her happy means we want the same thing, so..." Rachel shrugs. It's a common goal on which she can focus. 

Rachel knows she and Puck will be fine after this. The tension that's brewed between them over the past few weeks will slowly burn off and soon enough they'll return to usual banter. And Rachel knows that tonight she can also apologize to her mom for affecting and invading her relationship. She can care without infringing upon autonomy. 

Crossing over the bridge and into the city Rachel says something that truly means she and Puck are solid once more. "Thanks for the ride, Papa."

[bakedberry]

para: puck & rachel

Who: Puck and Rachel. What: After TMZ reports Mercedes sharing a private romantic beach picnic with Sam, Puck checks out of the LA house and reaches out to Rachel. Where: The Morrison. When: Just after midnight, Wednesday, July 12, 2017.

TEXT MESSAGES

Puck: On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is an article about your fiance having a romantic beach outing with her ex boyfriend while she was suppose to be at Disney and TMZ posting a story about it? I'm going with 10, 10 for murder.

Puck: I should also probably mention that Cedes has texts  where Sam tells her he loves her.

Rachel: 25 to life, Noah.

Puck: But what if I murder Sam and no one finds the body?

Rachel: Though I think we’d make an excellent Bonnie and Clyde tag team, I truly do not want to be an accessory to your murderous rage.

Rachel: Where are you?

Puck: If I don't tell you where the body is you can't be an accessory.

Puck: I'm at the Morrison

Rachel: I listen to My Favorite Murder, Noah. The FBI will pull my phone and text records and then where will we be.

Rachel: Is that a hotel?

Puck: This is why we need burner phones, so many perfect murders are ruined thanks to the FBI.

Puck: It's a pub

Rachel: Do you want some company?

Rachel: We could discuss details of a murder you won’t commit in person.

Puck: Yeah, I do.

Puck: Commit, not commit, we'll play it by ear.

[ a short pause ]

Rachel: Give me a few. I’ll catch an Uber.

Rachel: Is it alright if let Quinn know where I’m headed?

Puck: Alright, see you soon.

Puck: Figured you would, since you two are buddy buddy

Rachel: Okay. Be there soon.

Rachel: Order me whatever you’re drinking.

Puck: Whiskey, got it.

After the TMZ exclusive went viral, it didn’t take long at all for the news to spread around their group of friends. And while Rachel knew she hadn’t exactly been paying attention to much beyond the bubble she had been sharing with Quinn, she was still caught off guard. She knew gossip sites would run with whatever story would earn them the most hits, but Puck had disappeared, and call it her sometimes psychic tinglings, but Rachel felt uneasy. She was trying not to jump to conclusions, to draw her line in proverbial sand until all parties involved had said their piece, but her heart ached for Noah anyway, and the fact that she was in an Uber headed across Los Feliz to meet him in a pub said enough about where she stood.

Entering the Morrison, Rachel’s gaze flitted around the tables before she spotted Puck sitting on a stool at the bar. The stool beside him was open, so Rachel didn’t hesitate in walking over to claim the spot as her own. She let her elbow slide across the bar top until she could nudge Puck. “Anyone bothering you?” Since the engagement had been announced a couple weeks ago, Rachel knew Puck had been recognized. And with today’s top entertainment news story...  “I know I look small, but I’m all muscle. I can scare them off for you.”

After seeing the article on TMZ Puck knew he couldn't stay in the same house as Mercedes or Sam that night. If he did his actions would probably end up on TMZ and the morning news. Puck stuffed a change of clothes in his backpack, grabbed the guitar Sugar had gifted him and walked until he came across a pub. Walking inside he sat down at the bar and began to alternate between beer and whiskey. After an hour of mopping by himself he texted Rachel and she agreed to come keep him company, an action he'd probably thank her for poorly as the evening went on.

Felt Rachel's nudge and chuckled softly at her question. "No, I think I look like I'm gonna kill someone or sing a shitty version of All By Myself so everyone is leaving me alone." Nudged Rachel back and nodded. "Oh I know, one punch to the throat and anyone that crossed you would be down for the count."

“I’ll allow that slight about my height just tonight, Noah Puckerman,” Rachel teased, even if it didn’t really fit the somberness of the occasion. The bartender then set down a small glass with two fingers of what Rachel assumed was whiskey, and she looked toward Noah as she took the drink in her hands. “Are we shooting or are we sipping?” She hadn’t planned on really drinking too much after Vegas, but she’d do it for Puck if he needed a friend to get drunk with.

"Depends on what you're drinking to", Puck replied before downing the shot in front of him. "If you're drinking because you're happy, sip, if you've got something to get off your mind, shoot."

With that, Rachel eyed her drink for another moment and then tossed it back. She couldn’t help but grimace at the burn that lingered even as she set her glass down and used the palm of her hand to smack the bar twice. “Another!” she announced. That’s how they did it in movies, right? And as she waited for her drink to refilled, she turned her head to look at Puck, hesitated for only a moment, and then gently asked, “Have you talked to her at all?”

Smiled for the first time since the news broke, when Rachel threw her drink back. "That's exactly how they do it in the movies and since I'm buying you can do that as many times as you want", he replied. "No, I mean on the set of The Real and shit all day and she's filming Blackish tomorrow. Hard to find time to ask her what's up with love confession text messages and a secret beach date with her ex when we're the ones that are getting married in a few days."

Her drink was refilled and even though Rachel knew she should probably wait another few minutes for downing it, back it went. If she had something in her mouth, she didn’t need to talk yet, and right now she wasn’t exactly sure what to say. She didn’t know why Puck wouldn’t have gone to wherever Mercedes was this evening and demand answers or to talk. But as the alcohol burned again -- though this time in a slightly more pleasant manner -- Rachel did admit to herself that Puck likely didn’t do that because he didn’t embody the penchant for dramatics that she personally did.

With her drink downed and now swallowed, Rachel nodded as she pushed the empty glass back and forth between her palms. “Are we going to have to go all Bonnie and Clyde? Or Thelma and Louise? Drive the bus off a cliff?”

"Pretty sure Finn would follow us into the afterlife and kick our asses if we drove the bus off a cliff", he added before signaling the bartender for another drink. For a moment he looked at the menu in front of him, figuring they should eat something if they were going to be drinking as much as they were. "Want some fries?" he asked in a poor attempt to avoid addressing the issue at hand. "I… I really don't know what to do. We haven't been talking a ton and maybe, maybe this whole wedding thing isn't suppose to happen."

“Fries. Yeah, I can do fries.” And Rachel wouldn’t even inquire if the fryers were shared with meat products. At least not tonight. Pushing her glass away -- she knew she should get some food in her stomach before the next drink, otherwise Puck would have to be carrying her out of the pub, Rachel turned on her stool to face Puck. Her knees bumped against his thigh, but the added closeness seemed right, to keep their conversation between just them.

“Not to state the obvious, but talking does seem like it needs to be your top priority...” Then, cautiously, “Are you... Noah, are you just going through the motions now because that’s what you think you have to do? What’s expected of you? Or because it’s what you want?”

"Talk, so easy to say but not all that easy to do sometimes", he sighed. Puck ordered them each an order of fries, his with parmesan, hers without. "Is it bad that I don't really know? Before this trip I thought I was doing the right thing, marrying who I was suppose to be with my entire life. Now? The love is still there, I love Mercedes, but...I don't know if I'm in love with her."

“So what’s changed? Besides the not talking stuff, of course.” Because if Puck thought what he was doing before the trip was the right thing, how had that spiraled into this...mess in less a month. Rachel tried to rack her brain about certain events that stood out to her, but aside from the day they visited the military museum and the uncomfortable awkwardness that followed, there really wasn’t a particular incident she could point to.

"Well for one I think she's in love with Sam, never really stopped being in love with Sam. And I know Sam loves her", he blurted out. "And well maybe we were never in love, more in love with the idea of being in love", Puck admitted for the first time to himself and outloud. "

Lips pressed into a thin line, Rachel did recall hearing about the radio interview Mercedes had given where she was asked about first loves and she had been so candid, and in some ways cavalier in her response about Sam, especially considering her pending nuptials. “You have options, Noah,” Rachel started as she reached forward, her hand coming to rest just above his knee to offer a soft, supportive squeeze. She couldn’t make this decision for him, she couldn’t tell him what to do, but she could offer her support. Maybe all this boiled down to cliched cold feet, and if so, “Postponing the ceremony. Taking the time to figure out exactly what you both want.”

He had options, but all of them had a downside, several had pretty big downsides. Still he had to do what was right. "I can't marry someone that's in love with someone else and who I'm not even sure I'm in love with", Puck replied. "Have you have been so into someone that you thought you were in love? That everything seemed to come so easy and feels perfect? That's what I felt with Mercedes before we went on the road trip. I'm not sure I was ever in love with her, but I was in love with the thought of loving someone and someone loving me."

With a pat to his leg, Rachel shifted on the stool, hoping the dim lights of the pub wouldn’t draw attention to the way her cheeks had warmed, since at the mention of being into someone so much that you thought you were in love, she thought of Quinn. Because there was a time that summer when Quinn had cut off all contact that Rachel tried to convince herself that her feelings were born from nothing but infatuation, an intense girl crush from spending all the time that they did together. But she knew that was a lie -- perhaps like how Noah seemed almost sure now that the opposite was true for him.

“Love’s a tricky thing,” Rachel began, eyes straight ahead but a bit unfocused as moments from the past few weeks with Quinn played on a reel in her mind. “You kind of get stuck in a bubble and reality...it can twist. You don’t know what’s up or down.”

"Love is fucked up, that's what it is", he said bluntly. "How did I get to this point? Sitting in a bar, mopping about a girl not being in love with me. High school Puck would have just have gone out and found someone to fuck."

“But you’re not high school Puck anymore. None of us are who were then.” Even if it had been all too easy to slip into familiar patterns over these past few weeks. “I don’t want to say you’re a better person,” Rachel continued, pausing to lick her lips and think over her words, “because I adored high school Noah Puckerman. He was a pretty great guy.” Even when he slept with Quinn, Rachel couldn’t blame him, and she only saw red (and then green) for a couple of days.

“And you’re a great guy now, too, but we’re all...” Rachel paused again, fingertips drumming out a rhythm against the bar for a few beats before she picked up her train of thought once more. “We’re like snakes, Noah. Each year that passes we shed another layer and we learn a little something more about who we are. We’re one step closer to becoming the people we’re meant to be.” It wasn’t the best metaphor, but Rachel wasn’t sure an onion Shrek reference was suitable for this moment.

"You could have fooled me, some of this shit feels way too high school to me", Puck committed. He nodded his head in agreement, he'd hoped he'd changed, that he changed a little every year. "I really didn't know what I was doing with this relationship did I?" he asked earnestly. "I went into it full force and never paused, never thought that things wouldn't be like they were at the beginning." Saying  it outloud made Puck realize just how naive he'd been. "So much for first love."

She never had to announce her hugs with Noah, so Rachel just leaned over, really leaned into him, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. It seemed like he had perhaps come to a decision of sorts through talking, working out his feelings aloud, and really all she could do was support him. “First loves aren’t your only loves. I know from experience.” Though perhaps Rachel had briefly entertained the idea that maybe her first love could potentially be her last, but she and Quinn weren’t even close to that point in their rebuilding of their friendship. Relationship. Whatever they were doing.

Rachel pressed her lips against Noah’s cheek just like she had four days ago when they were celebrating in Vegas, and it was so crazy to think of how everything had seemingly changed since them. “And I’m not sure it’s entirely possible to know what we’re doing when we have two parts of us that sometimes want to guide us in different directions.” Another kiss and a squeeze. “Write some music. Make your heart and your head talk to each other.”

Put his arms around Rachel's waist and kind of melted into the hug. "You know for someone so tiny you can hold up a lot of weight. The weight of a grown man full of alcohol", he said with a slight laugh. "First love, last love, whatever way  you want to put it."

Rachel's mention of writing made Puck realize that he hadn't shared his news. "So on the front that doesn't involve a break up I've got some news for you. I kinda got offered a writing and recording deal from a label in New York."

“Get out!” Rachel’s tone had dramatically shifted from what it was just a second ago as her hands pushed off Puck’s shoulders so that she could look him in the eye. “Are you serious?!” And then she was hugging him again, well, hugging and shaking because the mood had sort of shifted. “You know if I was financially able I’d be buying a round for everyone right now in your honor. I’m so proud of you, Noah.”

Couldn't help but laugh and then grin at Rachel's reaction. "Seriously, someone posted a video of us singing at the open mic night, the label saw it and they liked what they heard. I'll be signing the deal next week", he replied. "Oh I know you would and you'd go to each and everyone of them and tell them just how proud you are."

“You know I expect a dedication on your first album’s booklet.” Rachel didn’t care if it was in actual print or just a PDF. “And a signed copy. And a seat front row and center at your first show. Aaaand, if you feel like using a certain brown-eyed girl as inspiration for writing the next big hit...” Rachel’s nonchalant shrug grew into a wide grin. “Have at it.”

"You get a whole page and a crate of records, who knows you may be one of 20 people that actually like my music. A front row seat will always be for you and I'll have a song called 'Rachel' so no one can confuse just who the song is about." Puck thanked the waitress when she dropped off their fries and proceeded to dunk a few in ranch dressing. "When you drank you first shot, you downed it, that means you've got something to get off your chest", Puck commented. "You listened to me go on about love so I'm all about welcoming you to my metaphorical couch."

Rachel easily could play off downing the drink like a shot in nothing more than solidarity and commiseration, but she figured with everything Puck had just divulged, the trust he had put in her hands, she could return it. So after sprinkling her fries with malt vinegar and dunking two in ketchup, she admitted, “I think you’re maybe a little bit psychic, too, because Quinn and I have sort of been doing a lot of kissing lately.”

"I knew it!", he said with a mouth full of fries. "You really into her or just having some fun on vacation?", Puck asked before signalling the bartender for another beer.

Mimicking the motion Puck did -- this wasn’t the time to slam her palm on the bar top again -- Rachel ate a few more fries as she considered just how much she wanted to share. But with a pint glass in front of her to match her very own-pintsize, and knowing in her heart that Noah was one of the safest people she could tell her secrets to, “I’ve been into her since high school.”

Puck was a bit surprised by Rachel's admission. She wasn't big on dating and aside from a date with a chick he thought was hot, he'd only ever known her to have dated Jesse. "Since high school? And you two didn't act on things until now?"

Rachel was sure she may have audibly gulped, so she grabbed her glass and downed nearly a third of the pint. “Oh my god, Noah!” A grimace contorted her features for a moment as she willed the taste of beer from her tongue. “How can you drink this?” But then Rachel took another swig, maybe for the courage, maybe to just have another few seconds before saying, “Something happened the summer before senior year and it kind of screwed up everything. We’re only just now figuring it all out so, I know this goes without saying, but please don’t say anything. Or do that eyebrow waggle thing you do.”

"Easy, you chug it", Puck said before downing the rest of his beer. "This is why didn't go to many keg parties together in high school, you would have been useless to me at beer pong", he added. "Well shit, why wasn't I told all about your sexy lady times? I would have wanted details and a little stick people flip box." Thought for a moment and remember that there was some weirdness between Quinn and Rachel senior year but chalked it up to weird chick drama that he wasn't about to get himself into. "You know I can't control the eyebrow waggle, my eyebrows have a mind of their own."

“Control them or I’ll go all 90s teen romcom on you and you’ll wake up to no eyebrows,” Rachel teased, and then softened her tone. “Are you coming back to the house tonight?”

"How dare you!", he huffed. "Probably gonna get a hotel room. Not ready to face the music just yet."

It was understandable that he wouldn’t return to the house, but still, Rachel worried. “Will you at least text me wherever you end up?” And then, after she realized, “Or I could go with you? Unless you just want to do whatever on your own...” Rachel just sort of shrugged, not wanting to impose, but also not wanting to abandon Puck, either.

"Don't worry I'll keep you in the loop", Puck replied before finishing his fries. "Probably just gonna get a hotel room nearby. You're welcome to come, that is if your lady isn't waiting for you back at the house."

“She is,” Rachel admitted. They also had plans for morning and the rest of the day, though Rachel wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about the set tour anymore. “But I just don’t want to abandon one of my best guys in his time of need.” She shifted on her stool again, leaning in close to Puck, and softly sang, “If you need me, call me. No matter where you are, no matter how far, don’t worry, Noah. Just call my name and I’ll be there in a hurry, you don’t have worry.”

"I'll be okay, Rachel, I'm not gonna do anything crazy or get arrested." Puck leaned in and gave Rachel a hug. "Thanks for coming out and making things not suck as much."

“Always. I love you, Noah. And again, I’m so proud of you.” And Rachel meant that not only about his new contract, but also for just taking the time to sort through his feelings, to talk things out. High school Noah would have been punching walls. And possibly Sam. “One more drink?”

"I love you too", Puck said before easing out of the hug. "One more drink sounds good."