#para: self.

[spencerfleming-blog1]

NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.

TAGGING: Spencer Fleming. Slight mentions of Gabriel Rivera.

LOCATION: Rivera residence.

TIMEFRAME: April 15th, 2015. Early night.

NOTES: Spencer finds out about her dad.

WARNINGS: Phew. A lot. Car crash. Death. Anxiety. Panic attacks.

“Stop it, Gaby!”

After being pelted by M&M’s during their movie marathon, Spencer felt the need to lean over and flick Gabriel in the nose. When he started complaining, all she did in return was stick out her tongue. Nights like these were always her favorite. Cuddled up with her best friend, watching silly movies until late in the evening. Both her mom and dad loved Gabriel almost as much as she did, so they never minded that she stayed the night at his house. In fact, Spencer’s dad often told her that if Gabriel didn’t ask her out soon he was ‘going to get that scrawny kiddo’. It always made Spencer chuckle, because the two of them dating would absolutely never happen. Not in a million years. Just as Spencer started to get back into the movie, her phone started vibrating to alert her that her mother was calling. 

“Ugh. Pause. Mom’s calling. I dunno why. She knows exactly where I am and what I’m doing.” With a roll of her eyes, she watched as Gabriel paused the movie and accepted the call. “Mom? Listen, we’re in the middle of our..”

As soon as Spencer started talking, she knew something was wrong. Her mom was quiet, and that didn’t happen quite often. Even more so, her father was always in the background joking about something. Or his favorite sports would be blaring on the television. But it wasn’t. Spencer swallowed, immediately feeling like something was just.. off with the whole situation. “Mom? Hello?”

Her voice was a little bit more shaky now. Spencer had never been the most nervous person, but whenever people asked her to come out of class the first thought was always an ‘Oh my God, something happened to my family.’ Worrying about your family dying was a normal thing, right? She asked Gabriel once, and he agreed -- so she didn’t really feel too crazy. It was a normal thing. Spencer wasn’t a worrier. But right now, she was worrying.

“Sweetie..” Her mother started, and immediately Spencer’s heart sunk. She’d never heard her mom sound like that. Even when she’d cry over silly daytime television, she didn’t sound like that. Her father was practically a saint and never had made her cry, which is exactly why Spencer knew that she sounded hurt.

“What? What is it?” Spencer questioned immediately, standing up from the spot she was in -- not even really worrying about the fact that Gabriel was now questioning her what was going on. She ignored him, listening for her mom on the other end. “Mom..” She swallowed thickly. It’s going to be nothing. It’s going to be that something happened to a relative she knew nothing about and it was going to be fine.

“It’s your father, Spence..” 

And just like that, Spencer could feel her heart breaking into a million pieces. Shattered like nothing was ever keeping it together in the first place. She didn’t have to keep listening to know what had happened. The room started spinning around her and she felt her stomach lurch. Her mother continued talking.

“..car accident..”

“..fatal...”

“...so sorry...”

“...didn’t make it...”

“...they were arrested...”

“No, no. No.” Spencer screamed into the phone, gripping it so tightly she was almost sure that it would crumble into pieces in her hands. “No, stop. Stop it, mom.. S-stop..” She leaned over, trying to calm herself down but she just couldn’t. All she could see was her father’s smiling face and it didn’t feel real. It wasn’t real. This was a dream that she was going to wake up from. It had to be, right? “Mom, please. He’s not gone. He can’t..” 

She tried to listen as her mother told her to stay at Gabriel’s for the night while she got everything figured out, but she could barely grasp at the words. By the time that Spencer opened up her mouth to say something, the line cut off and she stood there feeling as if she was going to pass out any moment. “He’s dead...” Spencer mumbled, eyes wide as she turned to Gabriel. “He’s dead. My dad.. My dad is dead.. He’s dead.. H-he’s...” Spencer’s lip was quivering as she talked, but she couldn’t finish her train of thought. He’s gone. 

And like that, Spencer fell apart.

She fell to her knees, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She couldn’t breathe. “He can’t be..” She muttered, fisting her t-shirt so she could grab onto something. Anything. “Oh, God... He’s my best friend. He’s my best friend. He’s gone.. I can’t..”

Spencer never knew what heartbreak felt like, but she was sure in this moment she understood it more than anything. She felt completely numb and even though she could barely breathe, the tears kept pouring down her cheeks. She knew that Gabriel was trying to calm her down, trying to tell her something -- but she just heard white noise. Her father was the one person in her life that had always understood her, and just like that he was gone. He was probably in his car, singing along to some 80′s song and someone hit him. They hit him.

“No..” Spencer said, refusing to believe someone could take her best friend away from her. “No.” She took her phone in her hand and threw it across the room and watched as it hit the wall and the screen shattered. “No, no, no.. No. It’s not real. It’s not real. He’s not gone. He’s not. He can’t be!” She was in a rage, picking up and throwing anything that she could find. Her tears were blinding her and she couldn’t feel anything, but as soon as she picked up a controller she felt strong arms wrap around her and she couldn’t do anything. She melted into the arms, sniffling as she tried to recollect herself. It had to be a dream. It just had to.

“I can’t do this without him. I can’t.”

[adelaidejoan]

GLEE THEME - NUMBER ONE : NAKED

Walking into the CVS, Adelaide looked around to make sure that she spotted no one that she knew. This was not the time to run into someone that could see what she was about to do. Yes, she had went to one the next town over but life had a strange way of twisting your life around. As evident for the reason she was going to a pharmacy in the first place.

Going down the aisle, she grabbed a few pieces of makeup. Some things she didn’t need but something to cover up the real reason she was here. Going down another aisle, she grabbed some chips and a few bottles of water. She knows she’ll need it for later. Finally heading down the proper aisle, Adelaide settled in on what was in front of her and let out a deep sigh. She couldn’t believe at 15 years old, she was looking for pregnancy tests.

Spotting several brands, she wondered if she should get more than the 2 she planned on getting. What if one was defective and gave her the wrong result? But what if all of them were the same way? Just get the damn tests, she said in her head. Because it wouldn’t matter what these tests said. She wasn’t. That just --- This wasn’t happening to her. Regardless of the fact that she was standing here in a CVS and looking at whether she wanted lines or ‘pregnant’ flashing back at her. Picking up 4 different tests, Adelaide went to the register and put everything in front of her. She was absolutely nervous at someone judging her for what she had on the counter. Of course she was. It’s why she played it off. “It’s for a dare,” she stated with a forced laugh afterwards. It sounded foreign even to her. The woman behind the counter didn’t seem at all fazed. As if she knew the truth that Adelaide was trying to cover up. Regardless, she rung up the items, Adelaide paid and headed back to her car. She grabbed one of the water bottles and drank as much as she could. She’d need it by the time she got back home.

When Adelaide made the decision to focus on what was happening to her, even if she felt this wasn’t really happening to her, she picked a time she knew the house would be empty. Her Dads were off at work and Rachel was at school -- the place she was supposed to be but here she was. About to pee on overpriced sticks to tell her whether she was pregnant or not. As soon as she walked through the door, she was ready to go. She rushed to the bathroom downstairs and took all the tests with her. She barely managed all of them but in the next 3-5 minutes, she’d know the truth. Even if she wasn’t ready or didn’t really believe it.

What the actual fuck was she going to do if she was? Adelaide wasn’t ready for any of this. She just wanted to be ‘normal’ and not worrying about if there was a whole other human being growing inside of her. She just had a simple hook up and she swore that they used protection but thinking back to it, they hadn’t and now she was here. Sitting on the edge of the tub and waiting on the results of pregnancy tests. It was the longest set of minutes in her life. She didn’t think any other moment would top this. Waiting, freaking out, calming yourself and then doing it all over again and not necessarily in that order. Alas, the clock on her watch signaled that it was time to check out the results.

Adelaide stood up and walked over to the sink, reaching out for the first one. It was the one with lines. And there was in fact, two lines. Which meant it thought she was pregnant. But that wasn’t true. This was the defective one, in her mind. Especially because the one that was supposed to change colors would be normal and the accurate one. It’s why she got backups to these things. No one would ever get a perfect result the first time, right? It had betrayed her as well and it read she was pregnant, too. Third time was going to be the charm because it just was. And it would be way more accurate since it would read ‘not pregnant’. She picked it up and flipped it over but there it was. In bold black letters, even flashing how many weeks it thought she was, telling her that she was pregnant. That there was a human being growing inside of her.

Holy fuck.

 x-x-x-x-x

Being pregnant and hiding said pregnancy was mentally draining Adelaide, if she was being honest. Keeping up with school and lying to everyone and trying to maintain a reputation was hard. It wasn’t like she meant to complain about this because it sounded whiny, even to her, but she couldn’t take it anymore. People would ask her to go to a party and she wouldn’t drink and they’d wonder why. Adelaide would lie and she didn’t care if they believed her but it was only a matter of time before she would stop going to parties because they wouldn’t be good for her. And going to the bathroom constantly when really, she was just trying to make it through the worst named symptom of pregnancy ever. Who the hell thought morning sickness was a good idea? Cause it doesn’t just happen during the morning. It happens every single time she runs into food that doesn’t look appeasing to her or honestly stinks; which is a lot more frequent when your nose is on one thousand and everything else is on one. And by far, the worst thing about it was that her pants didn’t fit anymore. One could also mention the mood swings but those weren’t really all that deep to Adelaide. She was always someone who was emotional and wasn’t afraid of showing said emotion. And yet ..... here she was, going off the deep end on either side.

However, it didn’t mean that she wasn’t getting used to the idea of a human being being tucked away in her belly. Cause he or she was. She had gotten a bump and it was really small but it made her feel like this was real. As if there was no going back. Adelaide still wasn’t sure what the hell she was going to do. She couldn’t keep a damn baby hidden forever. This was not a television show. This was real life and at some point, she’d have to let her fathers know and others would know. Because she was showing but it wasn’t a lot. Only she could tell she was pregnant. At least, she thinks so. And she planned to keep it that way for as long as she could. 

x-x-x-x-x

Reaching 20 weeks would have been a milestone for others. But all Adelaide could think about was the fact that she didn’t even know if she was going to keep this baby growing inside of her. She was only a child and she wasn’t sure she could ever be a mother at this mother. Who the hell thinks they can? She certainly doesn’t. She doesn’t feel ready at all. Obviously, she hasn’t went shopping for any parts of the nursery and she hasn’t felt a maternal instinct other than protecting herself right now. Which is probably horrible as hell to admit but Adelaide had to keep it honest. 

But then at 20 weeks and 5 days, the baby kicked and all Adelaide could think about was her keeping the baby and maybe she could do this, you know? Maybe she was just being hysteric. She was learning that pregnancy brain was a real thing. Her emotions being all over the place was another very real thing. She wasn’t exactly in any position to make a decision like this.

x-x-x-x-x

Being stuck at home was probably was the worst. Being stuck at home because you don’t feel good and everything and anything is making you absolutely nauseous? The worst. But after a few hours of laying down and resting up, Adelaide felt fine. Fine enough to actually go downstairs, with her ear buds in and in her pajamas. She had picked a good day. Her Dads would be busy with work. Rachel was at school. And no one was home with her.

Or so she thought.

Grabbing some fruits of the fridge and getting them together, she never even heard her fathers coming up behind her. She damn sure didn’t hear them asking what she was doing there. But when she turned around and came face to face with them, there was no denying that this moment was one that she could never take back. She looked at them as they looked at her and her stomach. Undeniably pregnant.

That night was probably the first time Adelaide truly slept and could breathe. Her fathers didn’t hate her. She doesn’t think she could do anything and they would. Be disappointed? Sure. Be upset? Absolutely. But they didn’t hate her and they weren’t trying to disown her either. They just wanted the truth.

And so Adelaide told them about it the entire time they had until Rachel came home from school.

x-x-x-x-x

Leaving Lima and everyone behind was probably the second hardest decision Adelaide could make in the short span of her life. She left without a word. Without a text. Without a voicemail. Without a letter. She was there at school and then heading off to Colorado to stay with an aunt to finish out her pregnancy. It was that complicated and that simple. She knew she’d be hurting people. But this was the plan they worked out. This was the choice they had all made for their lives. She’d deal with the consequences and fall out of her actions later on. Right now, she had a son to care for. Her life wasn’t just her life anymore.

Adelaide was laid out in her bed, the lights off and the house a little bit quiet. Her aunt was probably already off into dreamworld. Yet, here she was. Fully awake and waiting. See, the thing was that the baby was the most active at night. When she was trying to sleep. Tonight, though, she wanted to talk to her baby.

She tapped a finger to her belly and watched the ‘magic’ happen. It would never not amaze and disgust at the sight of her skin moving because of his tiny little feet tickling her skin.

“Hiiiii, baby. You’ll be here soon and I love you so much. Weird, right?,” Adelaide spoke out into the air. She didn’t think she’d ever get to this point. When she found out she was pregnant, there was no clue about what she was doing. Up until a few weeks ago, that decision was still in the air. But now it wasn’t.

“How you can love someone so much and you’ve never met them? I wonder if you’ll love me and I wonder if I’ll be good enough to love you. Not because I don’t love you already, I do. I absolutely do.”

Adelaide stopped and just settled her hand on her belly. He always seemed to have a calming effect on her.

“But I’m also young. I might not be the best at this. I’m going to try for you. Always.”

x-x-x-x-x

19 hours of labor was something that Adelaide would never look forward to again. 

Jonathan Aiden Berry was worth all 19 hours though.

And as she looked into his sleeping face, she knew he’d always be her weakness. She’d always give her best but he’d make her vulnerable. He’d make her feel things on a different level now.

He’d open her up to a whole new world.

Adelaide didn’t think that would be such a bad idea either.

[eurydicecostas-blog]

NO GOODBYES.

WHO: Eurydice Costas & Cody Ramos (NPC)

WHAT: Eury and Cody break up. 

WHERE: Cody’s apartment.

WHEN:  Sunday 1st October 2017.

WARNINGS: Sad feels. Listen to No Goodbyes by Dua to get the Full Sad™ effect. 

Eury had known that this was coming for a while now, but that didn’t stop her heart feeling like it had shattered into tiny pieces inside her chest. Things between her and Cody had been strained ever since Eury had gone on a mission into the sewers to look for signs of what Devone had been up to. While down there, she’d thought about nothing but how much danger she was putting herself in. That she might not make it out of the sewers alive if Devone had his way. How would her death ever be explained to her girlfriend? How would anyone be able to console her? The truth would always be hidden from her, and that was a thought that Eury couldn’t stand. She was lying to the girl she loved constantly, and there was no way she could ever tell her the truth. 

The first signs of strain had begun when they started talking less. Despite living together, their conversations were fizzling out. Instead of staying up until 3am talking about anything and everything, they were pretending that they were tired and forcing themselves to close their eyes and sleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows. Then came the lack of passion. When they’d first gotten together, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Now they were barely touching one another. They’d get into bed, kiss each other goodnight as quickly as possible, and roll over and go to sleep. They weren’t even cuddling, or facing each other anymore. Eury felt the loneliness deep within her bones, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Couldn’t bring herself to roll over and hold her girlfriend from behind anymore. Some nights she could feel the bed shaking as Cody cried, and she’d just pretended she was asleep and didn’t notice, but really she was crying, too. She was just better at hiding it than the other. 

Then the bickering begun, and that was the part that Eury couldn’t stand the most. She couldn’t stand things being said in the heat of the moment, or the look on Cody’s face when Eury walked away and left the apartment. She couldn’t handle the sad look in her eyes when Eury rolled in drunk at 4am because she didn’t know how to handle her feelings like a normal person, and felt like she had to drink to make them go away. She was the one that had done this. She’d ruined them. They were perfect for each other, and now they were breaking up because Eury was an idiot.

It was the strain of being a ranger. That was what had made Eury start to pull away from the girl of her dreams. It was the constant lying about where she was going, the hiding the bruises and cuts on her skin until they’d healed. It was the sneaking around to talk to Kat and Tommy about missions, or to speak to the other rangers. She’d seen the way Cody had looked at her like she was frightened Eury was cheating on her, and in a way Eury was.

“Cody, please...” Eury begged, but it was no use. The girl had made up her mind. Their relationship was over, even though neither of them wanted it to be. The love was still there, but the trust was gone. Eury had broken it, as usual. She always broke anything that was good for her. She’d hurt someone so beautiful, someone so damn worthy of everything she ever wanted. Cody was a good person - a kind person that would’ve never hurt Eury the way she’d hurt her. She was always so honest with her, and let her into every part of her life. She’d given her a home without even knowing her all that well at the beginning of their relationship. She had trusted Eury from the get go, and how had she returned the favour? She’d returned it by lying to her over and over again, by pushing her away and making her think that she was the one who had done something wrong.

Eury could see that Cody didn’t want to do what she was doing, but she had to respect her decision. She couldn’t sit there and beg and plead, and make promises she knew that she couldn’t keep. Couldn’t swear she’d always be there no matter what, and that she’d be a better girlfriend and love her better. They were impossible promises to keep, because Eury’s life was always in danger now that she was a ranger. One day Cody could think her girlfriend had just gone to the store, only to find that she was dead in a cave, or down in a sewer. She should’ve never let herself get involved with her in the first place. Nothing good ever stayed, and Eury had learned that from a very young age.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, wiping furiously at her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie - no, it was Cody’s hoodie. She only realized that when the distinct scent of the girl’s perfume filled her nostrils. She tried not to look up from her lap as Cody spoke, telling her that it was for the best if she collected her things while she was at school the next day, and Eury just numbly nodded her head. Maybe she’d leave her stuff there. She didn’t need any of it anyway. She’d lived out of a backpack before, and she could do it again. 

Getting up from the couch, she took a deep breath, then bunched up her fists to try and steady herself, and brace herself for the goodbyes that were about to come. This was it. She might never see her first love again, and the thought of that stung so much. So much that she felt like she could barely breathe. Her lungs felt like they were burning, and her heart was thudding in her chest painfully while the bad kind of butterflies swarmed in her stomach. 

With strength she didn’t even know she possessed, she walked towards Cody with legs that felt like they were suddenly made of lead. “I don’t wanna say goodbye,” she said, her voice cracking at the last word. “So, I’m just gonna say see you later.” It was a dumb thing to say, but it was hat she always said to her whenever she was leaving the apartment and wouldn’t be back until later that night. It felt like things would be okay if that was what she said, and as naive as it was, she needed to feel like this wasn’t the end of them. She needed to hang onto Cody for a little bit longer, even if she knew that the words she would say weren’t true. 

Closing the distance between them, she wrapped her arms around the girl, holding her tightly. She could feel that she was trying not to cry as she held her back, and Eury hated that. She hated this. But most of all, she hated herself. “I love you,” she whispered into Cody’s ear, feeling tears rolling down her cheeks as she pulled back from the embrace. She had to stop the sob that threatened to escape her as Cody told her that she loved her too, and that she was sorry. “You don’t need to be sorry. You were the perfect girlfriend.” 

Walking back to the couch, Eury grabbed her backpack, but never bothered to take off Cody’s hoodie. She needed it, and she hoped that she wouldn’t mention it. It was something to remember her by, and something to hold onto when she missed her. She inhaled a deep breath and made her way to the door, turning the handle before turning her head to take one last glance at the most precious thing she’d ever been able to call her own. 

“I’ll see you later.” 

Before she could register the look of pain on Cody’s face, she hurried herself out of the door and down the hallway towards the elevator. Where she was going to go now, she didn’t know. But she also didn’t care.

[charliecraw]

an offer;; a self-para

WHO?: Charlie Crawford, Lowell Tegus. WHEN?: Saturday, 8th of April. Lunchtime, about 12:30, 12:40ish. WHERE?: Great Hall + Chamber off the Great Hall. WHAT?: While he’s just trying to enjoy his lunch, Charlie is pulled aside and forced into making a choice he didn’t want to make.

An evening Quidditch practice and a last-minute assignment due Monday morning had kept Charlie up late on Friday night -- waking up still exhausted the next day, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he summoned the courage to drag himself out of bed. His desk was strewn with the books and notes he’d been using, groaning at the thought of going back to them later. Pulling on a shirt (not that his roommates weren’t used to seeing him without), he fumbled around for his watch, blinking blearily until he could see the face properly. Eleven o’clock. He’d missed breakfast, and was too early for lunch -- his stomach rumbling to let him know its displeasure at that situation. He was far too lazy to head over to the kitchens -- electing instead to lie back down and wait. Spring sunlight was streaming through his window, a rare moment of peace in an otherwise chaotic school year.

When the seconds had finally ticked past to twelve, Charlie hauled himself out of bed with a spurt of energy. Dressing quickly and pausing to check his hair in the mirror, he left the Slytherin common room as others were beginning to get ready to go. The growling in his stomach was stronger now -- and he was one of the first to enter the Great Hall, sliding onto the Slytherin bench and immediately piling up his plate. It was only when he glanced up at the teachers’ table -- spotting a crowd gathered around a very recognisable figure -- that Charlie remembered that today was the day of Lowell Tegus’ visit. Instantly, Charlie felt more alert – suddenly feeling the tension in the room.

As he ate -- shovelling food into his mouth in a very undignified manner -- he glanced around the hall, noticing witches and wizards standing, alert, hands on their wands. Aurors. He was used to seeing people pulling their wands out at any given moment, but the way the aurors were stood reminded Charlie that to them, they were weapons in a way he’d never experienced before.

Still hungry from skipping breakfast, Charlie ate quickly, trying not to let the Minister’s visit distract him. The Minister was moving about the room, talking to students, chatting to staff -- the vision of charm and assurance. There was an air around him that was hard to deny, total security. Charlie wondered whether Tegus knew what a divisive topic his premiership had become at Hogwarts, seeming so at ease talking to the students. While Charlie had been reluctant to declare for any side, he knew deep down that the inequalities in their society were wrong. Tegus was a figure that represented everything wrong with the wizarding world – but Charlie feared the consequences of going against him, and the confidence Lowell Tegus exuded only made him more nervous.

He’d finished his main and was almost done with dessert when the Minister made his way over to him, a charming smile on his face.

“Mr. Crawford?” he asked – leaning in to speak in a way that made Charlie feel as though only they could hear their conversation. “Charlie Crawford. Would you mind if we had a word? I’ve kindly been offered the Chamber off the Great Hall in which to speak to you.”

Surprise was all that Charlie felt. Lowell Tegus -- the Minister for Magic -- wanted to speak to him. Panic flooded through him briefly, wondering if he’d done something wrong -- but he forced a smile, standing up a little shakily.

“O-of course, sir,” he replied. That was all the encouragement Tegus needed -- guiding him up towards the teachers’ table. Lunch was fully underway now, at its peak -- and he could feel eyes on him as he followed the Minister across the room, exchanging glances with a few of his friends as he did so.

Lowell held the door open for him when they reached it, before closing it behind them. In the room were two chairs sat facing opposite each other, and Lowell gestured to them with a friendly smile.

“Please take a seat, Mr. Crawford. No need to feel nervous – on the contrary, I have an exciting opportunity for you.”

Sitting down numbly, Charlie watched as the Minister of Magic took the seat opposite him – wondering if he were in some surreal dream.

“You’re probably wondering how I know your name, Mr. Crawford.” The Minister paused, a slow nod from Charlie prompting him to continue. “I take great interest in the business occurring here at Hogwarts. After all, the next generation of wizards is educated here, and the next generation of wizards will be the ones in charge soon enough. They are our future. I like to have an idea of who the best students are, and I believe you are one of those, Mr. Crawford. And so – I would like to offer you a job.”

There was something in Tegus that Charlie found intriguing – perhaps it was the way the man leant forward to speak to him, eye-contact maintained and a pleasant, friendly tone to his voice. He’d heard Tegus called evil more often than not – and yet here was a man Charlie felt was trying to make himself his equal, trying to suggest openness and a connection between them.

“A job?” His reply was cautious -- confused. The Minister had pulled him aside to offer him a job?

“Yes. You see, Mr. Crawford, the Ministry is always interested in talented young people, and I have heard that you have quite the talent for inventing. I have no doubt that this skill can transfer to many areas of our work, and we would be thrilled to have somebody like you on board. Of course, you could come and work for us this summer – think of it as a sort of internship. And if you like us, and we like you – well, clever people do very well at the Ministry.”

It was a few moments before Charlie responded.

“You want me to work for the Ministry?”

“Yes,” the Minister replied plainly.

This whole situation was -- bizarre to Charlie, the cogs in his mind whirring as he thought through the implications of this conversation. The Minister knew who he was -- the Minister, and by extension, and Ministry, knew what he did. Whether they knew the specifics of his work, or just that he did it -- Charlie couldn’t be sure. He felt unease at the idea that the Ministry had been watching him -- and taken enough interest to send the Minister himself simply to offer Charlie a summer job. Suddenly, he was wondering whether there was something hidden behind the pleasant sincerity in Tegus’ tone.

Information. He needed more information.

“Can I ask doing what, exactly? Day to day?”

Not particularly relevant, but able to shed light on what the Ministry thought he was up to.

Charlie scoffed internally. Hogwarts was making him suspicious.

“Oh, we’d find something for you to do. We have lots of departments you could try – of course, there are people who invent things for the Ministry, and managerial and problem-solving roles, too. A logical brain will go a long way. And we’d be able to look at some of your creations, and perhaps roll them out across the nation. Can you imagine that, Mr. Crawford? Your inventions, in every home in the country.”

His inventions. They wanted something to do with his inventions. Get him to sign a contract to them - no doubt with a hidden intellectual property clause - and then get their hands on everything he’d designed. His mind immediately went to his tracking map -- wondering what uses it could have in what many thought were the wrong hands. But either way, Charlie knew he had to tread carefully. And not forget that he was being offered an incredible opportunity.

“It sounds like a wonderful opportunity, sir. But I don’t invent for any kind of – glory. It’s just a hobby.”

“Of course you’re not seeking the glory, Mr. Crawford. What is it you want to do? Do you want to change things? I know many students seek a way to influence the world around them, to better it, whether for themselves or others, and this would be your chance to do it. I think you’re somebody who cares very much about doing good. Am I right, Mr. Crawford? Think of how many lives you could help save – how many people you can help keep safe with your brains and the Ministry’s backing. The Ministry is here to keep order and help people, and you could be a part of that. And we’d support you, of course – you’d never be without any spare part or resource you could ask for. The Ministry’s budget is generous, and you could do vital work, really make a difference to people’s lives.”

Limitless supplies and the chance to make a difference. Charlie’s head swam – they were offering him an opportunity to -- either make a difference or to sell himself out, and he knew he had to be careful whether or not he took it.

“Thank you – very much, sir. It sounds like an incredible opportunity. I’ll have to speak to my mother, of course – I can’t do anything without her permission – and this is all very unexpected, but… I can send an owl when I’m able to give an answer?”

Something twitched in the Minister’s face – fast enough to make Charlie question whether he’d really seen it, a slight panic spreading through him. But the man leant back in his chair, a friendly smile tugging at his lips. When he spoke, that assurance was back -- Charlie had no doubt that he was expected to accept.

“Oh, no need to send an owl! Pop by the Ministry when you decide – tell them your name and that I’ve asked personally for you to come see me, and I’m sure I can find the time to meet with you. After all, people should get used to seeing you around there, and you should be able to see the opportunity you’re accepting. You’ve really got the potential to do very well at the Ministry, Mr. Crawford.”

“Thank you, sir. I hope I won’t disappoint.”

Charlie wasn’t sure if it was paranoia, but the smile on Lowell’s face felt a little more sinister as he replied.

“No, Mr. Crawford. I hope you don’t, either.”

The expression cleared – Lowell standing up, reaching across the space between them to shake Charlie’s hand, clasping it with both of his own. His grip was firm -- the warmth not quite meeting his eyes.

“It’s been wonderful to meet you, Charlie. I’ve looked forward to this meeting. Bright sparks like you don’t come along often, and the Ministry likes to show how accommodating it can be. And I look forward to seeing you again. Perhaps you can bring along some of your creations when you do – I’d love a sneak peak of what’s going on in your workshop!”

“Yes, sir. Thank you very much. It’s been wonderful to meet you, too.”

Tegus was the one to open the door – leaving Charlie where he was, disappearing as suddenly as he’d appeared. Charlie couldn’t shake the feeling off that he’d been released from a dangerous situation, clenching his fist to stop it quivering as he took a few breaths, eventually following Tegus out. With the Minister once again back in the room, less eyes were on him this time -- but as he made his way back to his abandoned dessert, Charlie felt more watched than ever.

He sat back down on the bench, picking up his fork -- but as Tegus caught his eye from across the room, a shiver ran down Charlie’s spine -- letting his fork clatter down onto his plate.

A dangerous situation indeed. Once again ignoring the eyes of the class on him, Charlie swung his legs over the bench to leave -- no longer as hungry as he had been before.

[spencerfleming-blog1]

DARE: COMPLETE.

TAGGING: Spencer Fleming. Mentions of a lot of people, tbh.

LOCATION: McKinley cafeteria.

TIMEFRAME: Thursday during lunch.

NOTES: Spencer does her dare. (The song is I Choose You - Sara Bareilles, but for the sake of bending reality/RP -- please pretend that it’s Spencer’s original music. I’m a lazy bitch and didn’t want to write a song.)

WARNINGS: None!

When Spencer received her dare, she scoffed at how incredibly easy it was. ‘Write an original song and perform it during school lunch.’ Easy, right? Of course. Spencer had a plethora of songs that she had written in the past few months -- not to mention the last few years. When she wrote music, she felt as if she was spilling her heart out. Her songbook was most definitely like her diary, but it was something that she had always been comfortable sharing the world with. As long as her songs were finished, she gladly would show others the lyrics and often ask for their opinions on them.

Most of the time, her songs weren’t above love. They’d be about anything but, especially due to the fact that she hadn’t really experienced it until lately. But now? The words explained exactly how she felt about Gabe, and maybe everyone in the school didn’t want to hear about her relationship but Spencer didn’t care much. She wanted them to hear what was on her mind, and Gabe was it. That was all that was on her mind lately, really.

As soon as lunch began, though, Spencer felt the nerves set in. She opted for not eating and instead sitting in the auditorium and practicing the song at least two times before she knew that everyone was sitting down and eating their food. As she walked towards the cafeteria with her guitar hanging from her shoulder, she did her best to calm down the thrumming of her heart. Breathe in, breathe out. The sight of Spencer with her guitar wasn’t an odd one, though. Almost always, she had her guitar hanging from her shoulder as if it was a child.

She walked into the cafeteria, smiling when she saw all of her friends in their own worlds. She saw Gabe looking a little bit confused because Spencer wasn’t around, and her eyes searched to find Elliot and she couldn’t help but smile when she did. It broke her heart that Elliot wouldn’t be able to hear her song, but made a mental note to let her read the lyrics later on. 

Without a warning, Spencer found a lunch table that was in the middle/front of the cafeteria that no one was thankfully sitting at. She laughed awkwardly, ducking her head as she stepped up onto the seat and then onto the table. Eyes started turning towards her, mumbling underneath their breaths what she was doing but she shrugged her shoulders. The song started off on a very quiet note, but she didn’t want to yell at everyone to listen to her. If they wanted to, they would.

Chewing on her bottom lip while smiling, she made eye contact with Gabe when he finally noticed that she was standing on a table. She laughed, and then began strumming the chords that she had perfected the night before. As she began strumming, more heads turned towards her and she gave everyone a smile. One day, she would be doing this for larger crowds. One day, this would be Madison State Garden. She knew it. Her father told her she’d get there, so she believed him. Finally, Spencer began singing, the words coming out easily. [OOC: If you want, start listening to the song here for an effect of some sorts.]

“Let the bough break, let it come down crashing..”

As she continued to sing, her voice got louder due to the feel of the song and she felt most of the cafeteria’s eyes on her. She had wondered if Quinn and Rory were around to see it, and she really did hope so -- they were newfound friends and she wanted to share this exciting yet silly moment with all of her friends. By the time that she got to the chorus, everyone’s eyes were on her and she continued to strum the guitar with ease and smile. She jumped off of the table and made her way over to Gabe, grinning at him as she did.

“But then you found me, and everything changed.. And I believe in something again.”

When she finished singing the particular verse, she stuck out her tongue at him and tried not to chuckle. She continued walking around the cafeteria, smiling at everyone as she continued to sing. It was an exhilarating feeling -- something she wanted more than anything to get used to -- having everyone quiet and listening to her do what she did best. 

“My whole heart, will be yours forever..”

It was interesting to let the school know exactly what Spencer had been feeling in her heart. These words were simply yet incredibly true, and she was telling everyone how she felt about her boyfriend. Maybe it was a little bit cheesy, but she loved him and she was incredibly proud of the song. Near the end, Spencer started singing loudly -- feeling amazing and knowing that she sounded amazing.

“I am not scared of the elements I am underprepared, but I am willing..”

Spencer found herself not wanting to this to end. Even if she hadn’t been as nervous as she should’ve been for the dare, it was still something that she would’ve never done without the push. She was thankful for it, and she stepped up on another table as she finished out, swaying side to side happily as she grinned over at everyone.

“I choose you...”

She finished, strumming the last few chords of the song and started laughing happily as the cafeteria erupted in applause. She could hear Gabe over everyone else, yelling that he loved her and she rolled her eyes. A blush crept up on her cheeks, letting everyone clap for her and imagining this happening on a real stage. One day. One day, she’d really have this. “Anddd... that was my dare for the week,” Spencer announced, once the clapping had died down. “Thank you so much. That was for Gabe, obviously.. And...” Spencer paused awkwardly, chewing on her bottom lip. “Yup, that’s all. Go back to enjoying your lunches!”

[eurydicecostas-blog]

Lost it all, I'm just a silhouette.

WHO: Eurydice Costas.

WHAT: Eurydice finally breaks down.

WHERE: Abandoned parking lot.

WHEN:  Friday 9th June 2017.

WARNINGS: Sad. Mentions of the tunnels.

The months that had passed since the ‘incident’ in the tunnels had been the hardest months of Eurydice’s life. Despite the way she’d brushed it off to her peers, it affected her deeply. The need to shield the rangers from further upset and discomfort was far greater than the need to tell them how she really felt, though. Whenever they asked if she was okay, she’d just smile and nod, because it was easier. It was easier than explaining to them just how badly going up against Griffin had damaged her. It was easier than thinking back to that moment where all she could see was Rory’s blue helmet as she drifted into unconsciousness. It was easier than telling anybody that sometimes when she closed her eyes at night, all she could see was the sticky, warm blood on her own hands from the wound that almost killed her. Everything was just easier if nobody but herself knew how she really felt.

It wasn’t that she hated Griffin, no, she actually admired him. Not in the way she admired Rory, or Bianca, and even Sawyer. It was a different admiration. She admired him like he was a big brother, rather than a friend. He was their RA. She trusted him. He had the ability to put a whole room at ease whenever he entered it, and his smile could probably cheer up even the saddest person. That was what made the betrayal so damn hard. It wasn’t that he’d hurt her. It was the fact that someone she trusted had done it, or at least someone with the face of someone she trusted. Someone she looked up to. She could never hate him, though, even if sometimes she really wished she could. Maybe hating him would allow her to release some of the pain that was buried deep inside her. 

Ever since she’d woken up in the medical bay, Eury had tried to look at life differently. She’d been trying to be better. Trying to make Aspen happy, and make her proud. She was trying to prove to everyone that she wasn’t some reckless teenager who just wanted to have fun. Eury wanted everyone to know that she was capable of being ‘normal’, and of being the leader that Kat had told her she was destined to be. She’d even talked to Griffin once or twice, and hadn’t completely blasted him when she’d done so. There was no point. It wasn’t his fault. It was Devone’s, and her own. Griffin wasn’t to blame. He was unfortunately just a pawn in a sick little game, and Eury couldn’t blame him. 

Meeting Cody was like a blessing and a curse all at once. She made Eury happy, but the romance was also such a whirlwind. There had barely been time for her to breathe since meeting her. Things moved so quickly, and before she knew it, she’d ended up saying yes to being her girlfriend. Taking chances was something she wanted to do after almost dying, but sometimes she had to wonder whether she’d made the right choice. As much as she’d fallen for Cody, there was also that nagging thought in the back of her mind telling her she wasn’t good enough for the girl. She never would be. Cody was good, and she had a beautiful heart. Eury was dark, and her heart was dark, too. 

Ranger training had been taking it’s toll, even though that was her own doing. Eury was pushing herself to her limit and beyond, just to prove to Kat and Tommy that she was going to be what they needed her to be - an unstoppable leader that could lead the team to victory. She’d fight the dino bots until her heart felt like it was going to stop, and she’d run the assault courses until there was no breath left in her lungs. While she was fighting to be the best, there was no room for her to dwell on the fact she was actually the worst, or dwell on what had happened to her. There was no time to sit and think it over in her head. She refused to give herself time to process, and time to feel the pain of everything that had happened ever since the island.

Syria and Aspen were on her mind, too. It wasn’t that she didn’t want her sister to be happy, or find someone new. It was just that she knew too much about Syria, and she didn’t trust her. She didn’t trust her with her sister, and she didn’t trust Devone, either. He knew where Syria was, and he could hurt Aspen at any time, if he really wanted to. If he knew that her and Syria were friends, or more than that, then he could use it his advantage. He could hurt her to make Syria do stuff, and the thought of that made Eury’s stomach churn. There was nothing she could do, though. Aspen never listened to her about Griffin when he was evil, so she definitely wasn’t going to listen to her about Syria. 

There were just so many things to be stressed out by, and overwhelmed with. It was slowly killing Eury’s spirit day by day. It was chipping away at her, and soon there’d be nothing left. 

“Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry,” she mumbled to herself as she wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of her hoodie. “It’s dumb, it’s not worth crying.” Despite what she was saying to herself, Eury knew that this breakdown was justified. It was to be expected when she’d been bottling up so many feelings for so long. She thought that maybe she could have lasted a few months longer, if it weren’t for the fact that she’d learned of Bianca and Griffin’s plans for a date. She wasn’t even mad at them, because she had no right to be. It wasn’t even because of her stupid friend crush on Bianca. It was just that everyone had moved past what had happened, but Eury couldn’t. No matter how much she tried, it was always there in the back of her mind. She couldn’t trust herself to make decisions anymore, and she couldn’t trust herself with Rory. Their adventures barely happened anymore, because she was too scared that she’d lead her into a whole world of pain again. Hell, part of her was even glad the power had been out for so long. It meant that she didn’t have to worry that she was going to get her team killed by making an idiotic, or reckless decision. But God even threw a spanner into the works when it came to that, because in spite, he decided to have her sister and Griffin be trapped in an elevator together. Life hated her. Karma hated her. The universe hated her. It wanted her to live in a constant state of worry, and torment. 

Everything was just... No, it wasn’t everything. It was just her. She was broken, not everything else, or anyone else. Just her. And she had no idea how to fix herself. She could put on a facade, and pretend everything was okay, but deep down it wasn’t. Sure, she was in love, and she had good friends, but none of them could understand how she felt. Perhaps that was unfair to think, because she hadn’t even suggested to them that she needed them. No, she just held everything in like she always did, until she burst and the anger, upset, and pain came seeping out in the form of tears. 

Eury wished she could talk to someone, and tell them that nothing was as okay as she was saying it was. But she couldn’t. People relied on her. They relied on her to be the strong, fearless, badass leader. They relied on her being the comedic relief who never took things seriously. Her pride also wouldn’t let her tell anyone she needed help. Why did she have to be so stubborn? She knew that if she told Aspen or Rory, they’d be there for her in a flash, and try and make everything better. But she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t going to be selfish and drag them down with her. Hiding it was the best thing to do. She’d allow herself a few minutes to cry, then she’d get up from the cold, concrete ground of the abandoned parking lot she always frequented, go back to the dorm, and smile and nod at when asked if she was okay. 

Who was she kidding? She couldn’t do that. As soon as someone asked if everything was alright, her bottom lip would definitely quiver, and then they’d immediately know something was very wrong, because Eury didn’t cry. It wasn’t something she did. She’d even had people refer to her as emotionally stunted, because she never expressed anything other than hyperactivity, anger, or super, manically depressive episodes on a bad day. ADHD intensified most feelings Eury felt, and right now? Right now she felt like running into a busy flow of traffic.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she typed in her passcode with trembling fingers. “C’mon Eury, stop being stubborn,” she sniffed, pulling up her contacts and scrolling down until she found the number she needed. “She’s not going to be mad, she loves you, you’re not a burden. She wants you, she does,” she told herself, sucking in a deep breath before pressing the call button. Holding the phone to her ear, she closed her eyes as she listened to the rings. “C’mon, pick up, please...” When she heard the voice she needed to hear on the other end of the phone, a wave of comfort washed over her. “Mama, I’m coming home. I need you. I’ve fucked up again.”

[cobierogers-blog1]

PULLED APART AT THE SEAMS

WHO: Cobie Rogers.

WHAT: Cobie comes to term with the fact her lobster might die.

WHERE: Coziley apartment.

WHEN:  Thursday 28th July 2016.

WARNINGS: Sad.

The moment Ofelia had told her that she loved her in her last text to her was when Cobie truly knew that something bad was going to happen. It was rare that her best friend ever expressed how she felt to her these days, so when she read that text, she knew deep in her heart that Ofelia was going to do something bad that night. Of course, she could have never suspected that it’d be as awful as it turned out to be. The fact that she’d mentioned Kenzi would be there with her had eased Cobie’s worry slightly, and she’d never have thought in a million years that what happened would have happened. 

To pinpoint the exact moment that Cobie fell in love with Ofelia would be impossible. There were so many things that could have made her fall for her. Perhaps it was the way in which she held her whenever she was sad, or maybe it was just the way she loved her in such a unique way, that could only be described as so very Ofelia. They’d always been there for each other ever since they first met. They always had each others backs. But now? Now there was nothing. She was the one person that Cobie wanted the most ever since Kenzi had broken the news to her, and it was killing her that she couldn’t have her. Instead of being one text away, she was laying in a hospital bed, tubes and wires coming out of her, her face free from the makeup that was usually so perfectly applied. Her body wasn’t wearing the finest fashion any longer; instead it was clothed with a hideous hospital grown that always reminded Cobie of sickness and death. Her best friend was probably going to die. There would be no more texts, calls, sleepovers, parking lot screaming. If Ofelia died, there would be nothing. 

Upon hearing the news that her best friend had plunged a knife so deeply into her chest that living would be a miracle, Cobie had been falling apart more and more by the hour. How could she ever come to terms with the fact that the one person who had consistently been there for her for the past four years might be ripped away from her? Sure, they’d had their fights, but they always overcame them. There was nothing that could ever keep them apart for too long. But death? That was permanent. There was no way that their friendship could ever overcome that, no matter how much Cobie wished it could. Death was the end. 

No amount of crying, sobbing, or broken screams could ease the pain that was in Cobie’s heart. No amount of smashing up hers and Kenzi’s bedroom could make the anger and confusion go away. No amount of throwing up could stop the churning of her stomach. Nothing could take away the intense, overwhelming sadness. Not Kenzi’s arms, not Scooby trying to lick away her tears, not Bailey J’s promise that Ofelia could possibly get through this and live. She’d never had to deal with losing someone so close to her before, and she had no idea how to make the pain go away. Sleeping didn’t work, and neither did trying to take her mind off things. All that she could think about was Ofelia laying in that hospital bed after being forced to take her own life. It wasn’t fair. Nothing about any of this was fair.

Kenzi had tried to make things better, she’d tried forcing Cobie to eat, tried forcing her to sleep. But she didn’t want to do any of it. She didn’t even want to speak. In fact, she couldn’t. Every time she opened her mouth to say something, she felt like if she spoke, she’d just break again. There was a thick, painful lump in her throat that just wouldn’t go away. Maybe if she could take her old pills, or smoke, everything would feel better. But she couldn’t. Instead, she had to stay clean for the babies inside her stomach. Babies Ofelia may never meet. It was the worst kind of torture; when all you wanted to do was escape and forget everything, but you were forced to continue living a nightmare that you couldn’t wake up from. 

As Cobie lay there on the couch, with her head in her girlfriend’s lap, another sob that she didn’t know she’d been holding in shook her body. How was she ever going to survive without Ofelia? She’d saved her all those years ago when she’d been so suicidal that she wouldn’t allow her to go to the bathroom alone, and now she couldn’t save her in return. She should have fought harder to see her, even though she’d told her she was going to be with Aaron, and then with Kenzi. She knew in her heart something bad was going to happen, so why hadn’t she tried to stop it? Why did she just go to sleep and try and forget her worry? She could have stopped this, if only she hadn’t been so stupid to think that whatever Ofelia was doing couldn’t possibly result in this. 

With a painful cry, Cobie turned herself onto her side, pressing her face against Kenzi’s stomach in an attempt to hide away from the world. Her grip on her girlfriend’s shirt tightened as she silently cried, and thought of all the times Ofelia had stopped her doing something stupid. Life was cruel. The letter psycho was cruel, and Cobie knew that if she ever found out who was behind all of this, she’d kill them. They were sick, twisted, and deserved to die, unlike her best friend. Ofelia deserved nothing but the best, and now she’d sacrificed herself for everyone else, just because this sick fuck had told her to. Cobie knew that she’d rather have gone down for a murder she didn’t commit than have her closest friend dead, and she was sure the rest of the gang would have felt the same. If only Ofelia would have known that before being brave enough to to reenact her biggest regret. 

Everything was dark in Cobie’s mind. There was no light, happiness, or easy feeling she normally felt. Everything was just black. It was terrifying. She hadn’t felt such an eerie feeling of emptiness and brokenness since all those years ago when Ofelia had first met her and changed her life for the better. Clenching her fists in anger at the ridiculous unfairness of everything, Cobie winced at the pain she felt from the fresh cuts caused by smashing everything that was breakable and within reaching distance that morning. She was thankful for the brief moment that her pain was concentrated into just one part of her body instead of the whole of it, though. It was a sweet escape.

Even though everything was a mess, and Cobie wasn’t sure how she’d ever get through this, one thing was for certain: even if she was no longer in love with her best friend, there would always be a part of her heart that would belong to her. If Ofelia died, it’d die with her. They were lobsters, and even if her physical presence left the Earth, Cobie knew that one day they’d be reunited in the afterlife, and that only then would the part of her heart that she’d lost return to her.

[cobierogers-blog1]

GOODBYE TO YOU || SELF PARA

WHO: Cobie Rogers.

WHAT: Cam tells Cobie he’s leaving. 

WHERE: Her bedroom.

WHEN:  Monday 30th May 2016.

WARNINGS: Much sad.

As soon as the words left his mouth, Cobie was sure her heart stopped beating in her chest. He was leaving. Cam was going away. It wasn’t for a short time, either. He was really walking out on her and his baby. Did she even have a right to be mad? A right to be hurt? Did she even have a reason to feel the dull ache that was filling her chest, and the uncomfortable knot that was being pulled tighter in the pit of her stomach with every passing second? She was the one who chose someone else over him. The one who hurt him and probably drove him to this. She was the reason he was leaving. There was no other explanation. Before they broke up, and before she told him she was pregnant, everything was fine. Cam was fine. He was happy. She’d ruined him, and was now the reason he was giving up all his friends, and his chance to be a father. It had to be her fault. Why else would he choose to leave Mystery Inc. and join the police force? It was never his thing before. Why was it suddenly his thing now? She could lie to herself and say it was because he was a coward. Because he was selfish. Inside her heart she knew the truth, though. The guilt bubbling up inside her wasn’t for nothing. It was always her that fucked things up. He didn’t want her, and he didn’t want this baby. Not that he could really have her, but they both knew that she loved him. Even if it wasn’t the type of love that could make her stay with him, and choose him over Kenzi. She loved him too much to let him go, but nothing she could say would make him stay. No amount of words, no amount of promises that they’d always be something to each other because they made a life together. His mind was made up. He wanted to go. A whole new life was waiting for him. One away from the stress and drama of Coolsville. A life away from the people who kept hurting him. He deserved to be happy, deserved to be selfish and put himself first. All Cobie could do was stand there as he kept talking, one fist clenched tightly at her side, her nails leaving crescent shaped indentations in her skin. Her other hand was on her stomach, her thumb running over the barely noticeable swell of it. She couldn’t believe this was it. Cam was leaving. Sure, maybe he’d come back one day, but it’d never be for good. His new life was away from her. Away from the baby and Coolsville. She could tell it wasn’t easy for him to make the decision. But he’d still made it. He was choosing a career over his baby. His baby that he’d wanted to keep just a few weeks ago. Nothing made sense, and she could feel warm tears escaping her eyes. She didn’t even know why she was crying. This wasn’t about her. It was about the life inside her. 

“Get out.” It came out more harshly than she’d intended it to, but all the emotions she felt were getting more and more unbearable to handle. She wanted to be alone. Letting him see her cry wasn’t something she was going to let happen. He didn’t deserve to see it. He was walking away from her, and from his son/daughter. Why should he get to see her upset about that? Anger was now the only thing she felt. How could he just leave? There was a growing life inside her. A tiny little person that needed him just as much as they needed her. “Get out, Cameron,” she repeated, her change of tone noticeable. No longer was she calm. She was raging. Her hands landed roughly on his chest, pushing him backwards out of her doorway. “We don’t fucking need you. We will be fine on our own. Go join your stupid police bullshit! You can run from everything, but don’t come back when you’re feeling guilty, because I won’t let you near me!” His mouth opened, and his words came out as white noise. Nothing he was saying made sense to her. She was so overwhelmed with anger, sadness, hurt... Nothing made fucking sense. The only word that was crystal clear was ‘sorry’. Was that it? He was sorry? What was he even sorry for? The fact he got her pregnant? The part where he wanted to keep it along with her? Sorry for the lies he told about being there for her always? The part where he was walking away from his kid? “Apologies mean nothing,” she spat out, her hand coming up and connecting with his cheek in a sharp slap. She hadn’t even meant to do it. There was never a reason for violence, and she knew that. Everything was just too fucking much. She wanted the world to stop. Everything just needed to stop moving so fast, things just needed to come to a halt. “Just go!” It came out as a pitiful cry this time, rather than the angry venomous words she’d previously spat out at him. Her eyes watched him raise his hands in defeat, and she slammed her bedroom door in his face before she even checked to make sure he was walking away. She didn’t want to see him actually leave. That would have just made it all hurt more. 

Sitting down on the edge of her bed, she rested her head in her hands, willing herself not to let out a held in sob. It wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth it. No matter how much she repeated those words in her head, it didn’t stop the pathetic cry that left her. She was alone now. At least it felt that way. Alone and knocked up at twenty-one years of age. Remembering that she had Kenzi was easy, but realizing that she was effectively trapping her girlfriend was awful. What kind of life was it going to be for her? She was only nineteen. Having a baby wasn’t something she wanted, nor was having such a fucked up partner. There were so many things to feel guilt over. So many things to make her heart ache painfully. To say the past few weeks had been tough on Cobie would be an understatement, and now that Cam had told he was leaving, she was finally starting to crack. There was only so much one person could take, especially a person that already suffered with anxiety and bouts of depression. 

Moving to lay on her side, Cobie grabbed Kenzi’s shirt from beneath her pillow and buried her face in it. At least that was somewhat comforting. It was like her girlfriend was there, but didn’t have to suffer through yet more of Cobie’s stress. She truly had no idea how they were still together. If someone dumped this much shit on her at once, she’d have ran for the hills. Having someone who loved her and genuinely cared felt like a miracle. But she couldn’t call her. Couldn’t ask her to come and just be with her while she was like this. It was ridiculous that she cared so much about her ex leaving. That she wanted him to stay. Kenzi didn’t deserve to be put through yet more bullshit that was nothing to do directly with her. She deserved to be carefree and happy. Everything was always so messy with Cobie. Nothing at all was straight forward. She could never just be happy. 

Biting down on her lower lip, she rubbed her stomach in soothing circles with her palm. “It’s gonna be fine, pequeño. We can do this.” She wasn’t even sure she believed the words herself as she said them, but she felt like she had to reassure the life growing inside her. Even if it couldn’t hear her, she felt like she should speak the words out loud. “We’ve got Kenzi, and all your aunts and uncles. We’re gonna have the best life. You might not have your real dad, but you’ll have three dudes that’ll love you more than words can say. And two moms that’ll give you the world.” She wiped her eyes, then got up from the bed. Letting this effect her wasn’t something she could let happen. No matter how much it hurt on the inside, she was never going to tell anyone just how much it fucked her up. She was going to pretend that everything was fine, and that she didn’t care. That Cam wasn’t worth thinking about. She’d lie and pretend everything was okay. That she could do this, and that all of this didn’t matter. She had no choice other than to be okay. Giving up wasn’t an option, and neither was crumbling and letting herself fall into depression. She just had to suck it up and move the fuck on, and that was fully what she intended to do.