Since the passing of her brother, Malinda hadn’t really been functioning like a normal person. She was struggling to do anything past what she did on autopilot. She went to classes and work and studied and did her homework. The quality of it all was rather shitty, but at least she was present for the most part. Sleeping seemed to somehow happen less, and she found herself falling asleep in the middle of the day in some library nook or in the morning at breakfast or in the middle of class. But sleep never happened at night, and honestly, with her level of exhaustion, she was just lucky she hadn’t been to the infirmary yet.
Tonight was no exception. Malinda had gone a little out of the way to find a quiet place to study where she could still use the sunlight and feel the cool evening air through the open windows. It helped her stay awake while she did her homework, but as the sun faded and the moon rose to greet her with its bright white light, curfew came and went, and Malinda was still sitting there with the books open, staring blankly at the pages. At this point, she could have honestly been sleeping with her eyes open for how aware she was of everything going on around her.
Suddenly, the sound of footsteps and the door behind her falling shut again made her jump out of her seat, pulling her wand out and aiming it toward the shadowy figure on the far end of the room. She cast a quick Lumos, honestly impressed at her reaction time, though she blamed the adrenaline. When she saw who it was that had joined her, the Gryffindor breathed a sigh of relief and slouched again on the desk as though she was using it to hold herself up. “Oh, it’s just you...sorry, I’m a little jumpy lately. What brings you here?” she asked PJ, tilting her head in interest. It didn’t even occur to her what time it was and the fact that he was probably on rounds that night.
As far as memorial arrangements went, the ones for Samuel Upton’s were a bit unorganised. Not for lack of trying, it was just hard to find a time in which everyone could be there to pay their respects. The burial had been just Malinda’s parents, she couldn’t bring herself to stay long enough and went back to Hogwarts for the break, and the rest of her siblings had been God knows where. No one had heard from her sister still, and Malinda was fairly certain she was going to bail on the whole thing.
The only light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, through all of this had been PJ’s support. And he was willing to be there for her for the memorial. As much as Malinda frowned upon the idea that her sister might bail on the memorial, she knew she would probably be doing the same thing if it wasn’t for PJ agreeing to come with her.
Malinda looked up at the house that she’d left not that long ago, but she didn’t see her home. It didn’t feel the same now, but she could see in the windows, people bustling about and getting ready for the day. She reached a hand out toward PJ’s to have something to anchor her down to reality. A reminder that he was there for her. “Thank you again,” she said softly, as she looked over at him, smiling a bit. “And I’m sorry for literally everything that happens from this moment on. If you think I’m a handful,” she said dryly, turning her attention to the door before them and turning the knob, pushing it open and was immediately greeted with the smell of the smorgasbord that her parents were preparing for after the service. How anyone could have an appetite on this day, she didn’t understand. “Welcome to the Upton household,” she said grimly as she stepped across the threshold.
PJ felt awkward walking up to Malinda’s house for the memorial service of a boy he hadn’t even known. Though, to be perfectly fair, PJ would have felt awkward no matter what circumstances he was walking up to Malinda’s house under. He lived his whole life in various states of awkwardness, this was just… another level of awkward because PJ didn’t entirely feel like he should be here. Memorials were for people who had known the deceased. But Malinda had asked him to come with her and he hadn’t been able to say no. She needed someone to be there with her and PJ was more than willing to do so. More than that, he was happy to do it. His feelings didn’t matter. What mattered was that Malinda needed him. Looking up at the exterior of the house, PJ found himself with one word to describe it: cozy. It was a far cry from the suburban dream house he’d grown up in. There was a hole in the railing, the lawn was less than perfectly manicured, and from the glimpse he caught through one of the windows the interior had signs of actual human life within it not just carefully selected decor items. It was the sort of house you had no trouble believing someone had grown up in.
Malinda’s hand reached out for his and PJ made no move to escape. He was trying to be better about that, at least when it came to his friends. Somehow, with Malinda, it wasn’t such a challenge. PJ very much doubted that anything would happen that Malinda needed to apologize for, but he didn’t say anything to that effect. Instead, he simply followed Malinda across the threshold, immediately bombarded with the scents of what PJ could only assume was a feast with how many different dishes he could pick out by their smells. Now that he was inside, PJ saw that he was right, the house was definetly one in which actual peopled lived. It only made him like the place more, despite the reason he was seeing it today. “It’s nice,” he said quietly, so as not to draw attention to himself just yet. Though he got the feeling that would happen sooner rather than later no matter how quiet he was.
Usually, Malinda enjoyed coming home. It was her place to relax and unwind and spend some quality time with her thoughts and her family. She knew she had it pretty good, with both parents still around and in a happy marriage to boot, siblings that would do anything for her and each other, and a comfortable family income so she never really went without. But she couldn’t help but grimace when she was around them. They were all just so loud, and today was no exception. She heard voices but didn’t really pay attention to the words. Her brother and her dad were arguing about something probably related to the Ministry, where they both worked. Her mom and her other brother were arguing in the kitchen, and still there was no sign of Elaine. She pause to glance at the pile of shoes near the door that had been unceremoniously kicked off then to her feet before shrugging and continuing on, not bothering with her shoes when they were going to be leaving soon.
Sighing softly, she lead the way from the entrance hall into the living room which gave a clear shot straight back to the kitchen and dining spaces, waving at everyone when they turned to see who’d come in. Various other people she didn’t really know and assumed were Sammy’s friends milled about, along with some other more distant relatives. She hadn’t heard them at first over her own boisterous family’s voices.
“Mallyumpkin!” her father greeted with a wide grin, nearly barrelling over everyone in order to pull her into a giant hug, ripping her hand from PJ’s as he lifted her off the ground. “Oh we’re so glad you could come, we worried they wouldn’t let you out for the weekend.” Malinda would have said something, but she was struggling to breathe, and instead gave a weak nod and smacked his side a few times until he let go. “Yeah, they don’t usually seem to have a problem with it when it’s a family emergency,” she agreed with a weak smile before looking over at PJ and continuing, “Dad, this is PJ. He’s the friend I told you about. Peej, this is my dad, Joseph.” Immediately, Joseph made to hug PJ as well, and she placed a hand on her dad’s arm in warning. She’d attempted to casually explain that he wasn’t one for physical affection, knowing her family would quickly overwhelm him if she didn’t. The gently reminder worked, though, and instead he stuck out a hand. “Welcome. I’m sorry we couldn’t meet under better terms, but it’s a really great thing you’re doing for my Mallykins,” Joseph said gruffly, and she could see him starting to get misty-eyed, which only made her roll her eyes and pipe up with, “Dad, maybe you ought to go help Mom in the kitchen? Looks like she could use a hand.” She knew that if she didn’t stop his emotions in their tracks, they’d get the better of him, and the day was already messy and emotional enough. Joseph nodded in agreement after glancing over his shoulder and seeing that her mom and brother had once again started arguing and said a quick “thank you again” before making his way over to break up whatever fight was going on in the kitchen. Malinda turned to PJ with an apologetic look. “We’re kind of all huggers, I’m sorry. They’re a little…much sometimes.” At least now he knew where she got it from.
As Malinda led the way through the house, PJ couldn’t help but keep looking at all the trophies and bits of artwork he could only assume had been made by either Malinda or one of her siblings. Of course, he took the time out to give polite nods of greeting to the other people milling about, but mostly he was lost in piecing together the kind of family that had made this place their home. Other than the cursory details, PJ didn’t know much about Malinda’s family. Though, he’d probably be learning a lot more today.
Though the loud exclamation was an exuberant one, PJ still found himself flinching a bit at the eruption of sound. He quickly got over that, though, smiling in his usual small way to see a father who, you know, actually loved his kids. It was heartwarming to be reminded that those existed someplace other than story books. PJ stepped just a bit closer as he was introduced, quickly noting the signs of an oncoming hug and almost stepping back again before he was saved by Malinda. PJ was grateful for that. He was trying to be better about that whole issue but had not yet gotten to the point of hugs from strangers he was just meeting. PJ was glad to shake hands instead, giving a quiet “Nice to meet you, sir,” in response to Joseph’s welcome before Malinda steered him off toward what sounded like an argument in the kitchen. So, maybe it wasn’t perfect, but PJ was hardly seeing the Uptons at their best so he could forgive an argument or two. Looking back at Malinda and seeing that apologetic look, PJ let out something that was almost a chuckle as he shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said. He knew where she got it from now, that was for sure. “Honestly it’s… really nice to see a family that…” PJ paused a moment, trying to find the right words because saying ‘that love each other’ didn’t feel like the sort of thing you should say. “That are, uhm… so welcoming.”
As Malinda listened to PJ, she started smiling again. She knew she was pretty lucky with her family. “Yeah, they’re pretty great, even if we are a train wreck,” she agreed, nodding a bit. She looked around the room again, meaning to introduce him to Daniel next, but her oldest brother was off talking to someone else, and it looked like they were kind of in a deep conversation. “That one over there. He’s the really tall one, kinda looks like an overanimated puppy,” she started, pointing him out anyway for PJ in case they spoke later, “that one is Daniel, he’s my oldest brother, he’s an auror. So you know, if you need help or anything, you can bug him,” she joked. Next, she gestured over to the kitchen. “My mom and Ren are in there, they’re the ones arguing about Merlin knows what,” she said, shaking her head a bit. “Ren picks fights with everyone, usually about nothing important, I think he does it just because he can. And he likes to see people become super exasperated. So if he starts disagreeing with you over nothing, just ignore him. That’s what I do.” She gave him a bit of a smirk and a shrug. “My mom’s muggle, but you know that already. She owns her own shop, does pottery and makes some pretty kick-ass teapots. Her name is Aleena.”
She looked around again, wondering where her sister was. “Elaine should be here…” she said with a furrowed brow, worry clear on her face. “She’s my older sister, but no one has been able to get ahold of her,” she said softly, shaking her head a little. It didn’t make any sense. She couldn’t blame her for not wanting to go to the memorial, if that was the case, but to not even come home was out of character.
“Alright, everyone!” came Aleena’s voice, snapping Malinda out of her worried haze and back to reality, and she gently held onto PJ’s sleeve, a little worried about holding his hand too much and not wanting to make him uncomfortable. “Time to head out,” her mother continued, “we’re not far from the cemetery, it’s about a quarter mile, so I figure we’d all pile into cars and head down there.” Malinda nodded and gently nudged PJ. “We can apparate instead if you want, the cars are mostly for Sammy’s friends, they’re all muggles. He went to a muggle school,” she explained. “I just figured you wouldn’t be all that into being shoved into a car with five other people.”
She said train wreck, but PJ had yet to see anything about Malinda’s family that resembled a locomotive leaving the rails. True, he had not seen much of them, but the first impression was good and they were Mal’s family. PJ was willing to have a little bit of faith. As Malinda pointed out the members of her family, PJ dutifully noted who was who and put the names to faces as best as he could. The little tidbits that she shared about them were interesting. PJ wouldn’t be bothering the brother that was an auror, at least not for anything related to his job. With two aurors already basically making it their personal mission to help him and his family out PJ felt like that area of his life was pretty well covered. The other brother, the one that picked fights, would hopefully not be too hard to handle. PJ had grown up with a few people like that. At least today he had Malinda on his side. But PJ couldn’t help smiling at Malinda’s description of her mother. Kick-ass teapots sounded like something he would have to see before they left here today.
PJ saw the worry on Malinda’s face and grew worried himself. He knew it was silly, not knowing anything at all about Malinda’s sister, to jump to all the worse conclusions but PJ had never actually been able to help that. It was just how his mind worked. Especially when phrases like 'no one has been able to get ahold of her’ were tossed around. He wanted to say something hopeful… try and reassure Malinda that there was probably nothing to worry about. But he wasnt quick enough in thinking of what to say and Malinda’s mother snapped them all to attention.
At the suggestion of apparating to the cemetary PJ’s left hand twitched and he brought his hands together in his signature move of nervousness, though the gesture was a bit lopsided as he tried not to move so much that Malinda was forced to let go of his sleeve. His fingers ghosted over the stub of a pinky that had been the result of his last venture in apparition. It was stupid, being scared of something that was so simple. He knew he’d only splinched himself because he’d been scared. There was no reason it would happen today but… Well, when had logic ever kept PJ’s nervousness at bay? “Uhm, I… I don’t mind riding in a car,” PJ said, refusing to look Malinda in the eye for a moment because it felt too much like saying he didn’t trust her to get them there when that wasn’t the case at all. “It’s… not that long a ride. I… I’ll be fine.”
Malinda paid close enough attention to her friend, even through her grief haze and lack of sleep to know there had been something up with him after break, and she expected some of regression and nervousness around things. So she wasn’t offended when he decided being in a car wasn’t the worst decision. Besides, it wasn’t like she was a champ at apparating anyway, she nearly always got sick afterwards. But she didn’t get splinched anymore, so there was that.
She nodded her head at his decision and led the way out to the cars, staking claim on the two captains seats in the front back row of her mother’s minivan for herself and PJ, assuming he didn’t want to be crammed into the back seat with her brothers. She got buckled, and couldn’t help but trip Ren with her foot as he pushed past her into the back seat, actually giggling a little as he toppled into the seats ungracefully. “Was that really necessary?” he snapped at her, scowling as he situated himself and fixed his shirt. “Hey, not my fault your big feet tripped over me,” she responded with a grin. It faded, though, when Daniel followed behind him and smacked Malinda on the back of the head as he passed her. “Knock it off you two.” Malinda rolled her eyes and looked back at PJ, opening her mouth to ask him a question when Ren’s arm stuck out in front of her, effectively cutting her off. “Hey, I’m Ren. We haven’t met,” he stated, holding his hand out for PJ to shake. “It’s about time Mallykins here brought a boy home to meet the family,” he continued, shooting Malinda a smirk and an eyebrow waggle. Immediately, Malinda’s face turned beet red, and she opened her mouth to protest, ready to knock some sense into her brother when her parents got into the van and shot a look back at their children as though daring them to start a fight at Sam’s memorial. The two of them quickly snapped out of it and sunk back into their seats, though Malinda shot PJ an apologetic look, her face still bright red, mouthing a quick “I’m sorry,” as the car took off down the road.
The drive was quick, and everyone piled out of the cars just as quickly as they got in them. There was a large cemetery all around them, and it made Malinda antsy. Up until now, she could trick herself into believing that it all was a bad dream or a cruel joke, but now that she was standing just yards from her brother’s headstone, it finally hit her just how real it all was. As her parents headed the group that made their way over to gather around Sammy’s grave, Malinda stayed a little bit back. In the pocket of her coat was a folded piece of paper, and she fiddled with it nervously. She was expected to speak, to say something about her brother, “he would have wanted it,” her family told her. How could they know what he would have wanted, though? For a minute she stood there, watching everyone else gather around and console each other, and she felt her stomach turn. There was no way she could do this.
PJ let out a tiny sigh of relief when Malinda simply nodded and led the way out to the cars. Not that he had expected Malinda to have any problems with the decision, it was just… well, PJ had been a little wary of it he supposed. It was sometimes difficult to remember that his friends, Malinda more than most, actually respected his opinions and wishes. Of course Malinda didn’t have a problem with going by car. It was stupid to think that she would have.
He was glad that Malinda managed to claim the middle row for the two of them. PJ could have tolerated being snuggly sat between Malinda’s brothers for the duration of the ride, but that did not mean he wasn’t relieved not to have to. The antics going on beside him were impossible to ignore as he buckled himself into the seat. PJ watched, silently enjoying this glimpse of Malinda in a different light than he normally saw her. She even laughed. PJ hadn’t heard her laugh in a while now, it was good to hear. Great, even. PJ shook the hand that had been stuck out between himself and Malinda but the gesture was quickly derailed by Ren’s statement. In what was possibly the worst involuntary reaction that could happen to disprove what had been implied, PJ’s face joined Malinda’s in becoming an embarassing shade of red. “I-it’s not… we… aren’t… we’re just friends,” PJ stammered quietly as he avoided looking at anyone for a moment before glancing toward Malinda and seeing her looking ready to jump into the back row and pummel her brother. Thankfully, the situation was diffused when Mr. and Mrs. Upton got into the car. At Malinda’s silent apology, all PJ could do was give a non-commital shrug and hope that for once she would accept the 'it’s fine’ that it was intended to represent.
As PJ had been counting on, the ride was brief and soon enough they were all out of the cars. The cemetery was rather large, and PJ took a moment to simply look out at all those graves. PJ hadn’t been to a graveyard in a long time. The last time would have been the funeral of his paternal grandparents when he was a child and in the years since he and his father had made no real effort to visit their grave for any occasion, not even the common ones like Mother’s and Father’s days. But he remembered the eerie feeling of being surrounded by all those plots, full of dead people. It felt like tresspassing… like the spirits of the dead that had been laid to rest would tell him off for stepping too close to their little spot of earth. Stupid, really. Even if there were ghosts that hung around here they probably had much better things to do with their afterlives than tell someone off for stepping on the grass above where their mortal body had been buried. PJ stayed by Malinda’s side as they made their way over to her brother’s grave and he couldn’t help noticing that she was not looking very well. Of course, she wouldn’t be, this was her brother’s funeral. But it wasn’t the expected sort of not-well. Less grief and more… ill. And, well, PJ had experience with a nervous stomach. Gently, he reached for Malinda’s hand and said very quietly so only she could hear, “I think… he got the best view in the whole place.” It sounded ridiculous, yes, but PJ was going for distraction. Consolation seemed like it would be equally as ridiculous and more unhelpful. “Those trees over there’ll be amazing when autumn comes and the colors change.”
At first, PJ’s touch startled Malinda, making her jump a little as it pulled her from her thoughts. She wrapped her hand around his firmly, using him as an anchor to keep her head in there’re and now. His words brought a sad smile to her face but a smile nonetheless, and she nodded her agreement. The trees would look really nice during autumn and his plot was in a good area. It was quiet and pretty, which Malinda thought was a good choice. The distraction settled her stomach, though, and she could focus on what was happening. First her parents spoke, then her older brother, and not before long, Malinda was given a pointed look and a gesture to head up in front of everyone.
Reluctantly, she let go of PJ’s hand and went to take her place, pulling the folded paper from her pocket and looking down to read the words once it was unfolded. The more she stared at what she had written, though, the more she realised it sounded robotic and entirely out of touch. She crumpled the paper up and put it back in her pocket before looking up at the faces in front of her. “Samuel Upton was my person. He was the person I would call if I needed someone to help me bury a body or buy me a kidney on the black market. To most people, he was quiet or awkward, socially inept maybe. To me, and I’m sure to most of you, he was more. We saw more in him.” She cleared her throat a bit and squared her shoulders. “Sammy was something to each of us. A friend, a pupil, a brother, a son. And what he was to us cannot be put into words, no matter how hard we try.” She nodded her head and made to step away and back to her spot, pausing only a moment when she saw that Elaine had finally joined them.
During Malinda’s pathetic excuse of a speech, Elaine walked up the path as silently as she could and rested an arm on the shoulder nearest to her, which happened to be PJ’s. She scoffed at her younger sister’s words and took a drink from what looked to be a juice box with the label carefully covered by her hand. “And here I thought she was better with words than the rest of us,” she whispered as Malinda started making her way back. Elaine’s breath reeked of alcohol, and the smell of marijuana swirled in the air as she shook her hair out. When she finally looked at the person she was talking to, she frowned, looking confused. “Wait. Who the hell are you?”
At this point, Malinda had made it back to them and people were listening to some priest or pastor or reverend rattle off some bible verse and prayer, Malinda wasn’t really paying attention. She pulled her sister into a tight hug and almost gagged on the smell coming from her. “I can’t believe you came. I thought you were going to duck out completely.” Her voice was hushed as spoke, nothing more than a whisper to avoid attracting attention and being rude.
Malinda smiled, and PJ took that as a sign he’d accomplished what he’d meant to accomplish. That was, after all, the whole reason he was here - to support Malinda during all of this and to do what he could to keep her from freaking out. The service properly began, and PJ listened to Malinda’s parents and older brother as they spoke about Sammy. Though he hadn’t known the boy, PJ couldn’t help blinking back a couple of tears brought on by the sentiments being shared. And then, it was Malinda’s turn.
PJ gave her an encouraging smile as she went to take her place before everyone gathered, hoping to convey that he knew she could do this and that he knew whatever she had to say would be wonderful. And it was. He’d noticed her crumple up the paper that had her original speech written on it and knew that what Malinda said was probably entirely off the cuff. However, PJ was distracted from really paying attention as someone walked up from behind him and rested their arm on his shoulder. That alone was enough to knot PJ’s stomach up and cause his whole body to tense but then his nose picked up on the smell of marijuana and, maybe it was the fact he was at a funeral, but PJ couldn’t help being reminded of his former roommate who had died just a little over a year ago. He and Mike hadn’t exactly been close, but his death had still affected PJ a great deal. When the stranger spoke, PJ wasn’t quite able to pay attention to her words as the smell of alcohol mixed with the smell of the drugs.
When Malinda showed up at the very instant he would have been expected to give the stranger an answer to her question, PJ could not have been more grateful. He was only more grateful when Malinda pulled the other girl into a hug, and he was able to quietly slip from under her arm and take a step away. He had stopped paying attention to the funeral altogether in favor of focusing on Malinda and the girl she was hugging, who he guessed was probably her sister, and hoping that the people bowing their heads in prayer around them would not notice the fact that the three of them weren’t joining in.
Elaine held onto Malinda like her little sister was all that was keeping her upright, and honestly, she might have been. Malinda could smell every bit of intoxication on her, and while she was accustomed to alcohol and pot being like a light perfume on her sister, today it was entirely too overpowering. “I didn’t want to come,” Elaine started in the same hushed tone, “who wants to see their brother’s grave? Not me, that’s who,” she continued, shaking her head vigorously. Malinda gave her a sad sort of smile and brushed her hair back from her sister’s face, trying to get a better look at her to see just how trashed she was. The answer was a lot, but manageable. She’d seen her in worse states. Carefully, Malinda took a moment to wipe the eyeliner from under Elaine’s eyes, hoping it would help make her more presentable before turning back to PJ with another apologetic look.
“Hey, sissy? I want you to meet someone,” she started, an arm around Elaine’s waist in support as she turned toward PJ. Her voice was still hushed, but it looked like people were starting to duck out and leave, most of them crying like she wanted to but couldn’t. “This is my friend, PJ. He’s the one I’ve told you about remember?” Malinda said with a smile, and Elaine looked as though she was trying to sober herself up for an actual conversation as she stuck her hand out to shake his. “Pleasure to meetcha, Peej,” she said, a little less slurry than before. “That makes a lot more sense now, I’m sorry about earlier, I thought you were someone I knew.”
Malinda shook her head at her sister, and while she knew there was a very large chance Elaine was going to make a fool of herself that day, she was determined to try and keep her in line. It was the least she could do after everything Elaine had done for her growing up. “Hey, why don’t you go see our brothers, I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you?” Mal suggested with a smile, turning her in their direction. They were better at sobering her up anyway, and she wanted to try to pay attention to the rest of the memorial. One of his friends was the last one to talk, the kid he’d been with the night he’d gone into the hospital, and while Malinda wanted nothing more than to sucker punch the snot-nosed brat, he was Sam’s best friend, and deserved to say something. She just hoped it’d be an apology.
Elaine nodded her head in agreement and went to find their brothers, both of which were just as surprised as Malinda that she had shown up at all. “I’m sorry about her, she’s…not good at the whole sadness thing. It doesn’t really exist in her world. Or at least, that’s what she tells herself,” she said quietly to PJ as she turned her gaze back up to the speaker. “We really didn’t think she was going to show up at all. This is definitely more sober than I thought she’d be, though.”
As soon as it was clear that Malinda meant to introduce him to her sister, PJ straightened up and tried to look less awkward. He had a feeling he didn’t quite manage it but he at least gots as far as shaking Elaine’s hand, quietly saying “It’s fine” as he did so. It had been an honest mistake. This was her brother’s funeral, after all, it would make more sense for the person arbitrarily chosen as Elaine’s arm rest to be someone she knew than for it to have been someone she didn’t. Even still, PJ couldn’t help feeling a little bit relieved when Malinda sent her sister off to her brothers. Sure, Elaine was nice enough, but PJ had never been great dealing with people under the influence.
PJ paid far less attention to the person speaking now as Malinda spoke to him. “It really is fine,” he said, knowing that his choice of word had probably triggered some disbelief in his friend. It was fine. Fine enough, anyway. “People cope in… different ways.” Some people pretended that sadness didn’t exist and did everything they could to reach that state of mind. Others tried to bottle every single one of their emotions up until they could sneak away to a secluded corner to read some poetry and cry. “It’s good, though… that she came. Even if she’s… well, it’s important. To be together, I mean… to remember that you’re not… dealing with this alone.”
At this point, Malinda was only half paying attention to what was happening in the memorial and half paying attention to PJ’s reassurance. She nodded her head distractedly in agreement. Part of her was thankful for all the distractions, while the other part felt guilty for not being as fully devoted to the occasion as others seemed to be. The war in her head brought back the sick feeling again, and she had to clench her jaw and breathe deeply to try and get it to go away. Just one last person, and she could go back home. She just had to make it through one last person.
Sam’s friend stepped up to speak, and Malinda visibly snapped to attention, her gaze trained on him like she was eyeing up the enemy. In a way, he was, at least to her. If she couldn’t be there for her brother, who was her responsibility, his best friend should have been there instead. But he was the person Malinda blamed for everything since she didn’t want to blame just herself anymore. Not once in his speech did he apologise for taking her brother to that party, not once did he admit that maybe they had been reckless and dumb, and it made Malinda angry. He told jokes to try and ease everyone’s pain, make them laugh and remember the type of person Samuel was, but Malinda didn’t laugh. Her hands clenched into tight fists at her sides and then flexed, trying to push back the urge to stomp up there and punch his laughing face. “I’d like to leave,” she finally managed to get out, her voice low and clearly betraying her emotions despite her trying to keep it level and monotone. “I’d like to walk back home,” she tried again, only a slight bit better. She didn’t really wait for a response, only giving him a moment to react before turning on her heel and trying to look as casual as she could as she walked away. Her parents would probably wonder what happened and would want to make sure she was okay, but she needed to get out before she made a scene.
As she walked, she could feel her stomach start turning again from the guilt and the anger boiling over, and it didn’t take much longer before she needed to dart to the nearest tree for support as she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the ground. Her entire body shook, partly from how much her muscles had been flexing in an attempt to hold everything back, partly because she really didn’t have a whole lot in her in the first place to get rid of. Thankfully, she was just barely out of the cemetery and didn’t need to be worried if she’d accidentally just thrown up on someone’s plot. Malinda tried to hold herself up, but with her shaking legs, she wasn’t really sure how much walking she’d be able to do, and she half slid, half fell to the ground, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face as the tears that she thought she’d cried out weeks before came pouring out.
Seeing Malinda’s attention snap over to the next person who stepped up to give a few words, PJ turned to see who it was. He hadn’t expected to know them, and he didn’t. It was a boy he’d never met, apparently Samuel’s best friend, who’s speech took a light tone. Almost hopeful. The jokes were obviously meant to bring a little levity to the occasion, ease the pain of the loss everyone gathered had felt. And it seemed to be working… for the most part. PJ could practically feel the anger coming off of Malinda in waves. Where before she had been distracted and had looked a bit ill, Malinda now had become angry. PJ could hear it in her voice, see it in the way that her fists clenched and flexed. It worried him.
But then, she said that she wanted to leave and PJ couldn’t exactly argue. He had thought it might be best to duck out when Malinda looked like she was about to puke - in his experience nausea caused by stress could only really be muscled through once you got away from he stressful situation - but now he was even more convinced that the best bet would be to make an exit. “Yeah, ok,” PJ nodded, following right behind Malinda as she beelined away from her brother’s final resting place. He didn’t mind that she hadn’t really waited for him. He didn’t mind at all. Clearly something he didn’t quite understand was happening and he was fine just following Malinda’s lead.
A flash of panic flooded PJ’s mind when Malinda swerved toward a nearby tree but, perhaps strangely, that panic subsided when he saw what had caused her detour. It wasn’t pretty, but puking was better than suddenly becoming faint. PJ gave her some space, only approaching after Malinda had slid to the ground and started crying. It would seem that their walk back to her home would have to be postponed for a bit. Quietly, PJ lowered himself down beside Malinda. He didn’t have words for this. There were none that would help, he knew that. Gently PJ reached and put one arm around Malinda’s shoulders, pulling her into something of a half hug as they sat there.
The last thing Malinda wanted to do was be sick and start crying again, and she certainly didn’t want to be doing them at the same time, and even worse, it was happening in front of PJ. It was a dumb thing to be worried about, deep down she knew that, but here she was, still worrying.
As soon as she felt PJ’s arm around her, she curled into him, trying not to cry on him but craving the comfort he offered. She wiped her face with the sleeves of the light coat she was wearing rather aggressively, as though wiping them as they fell would magically stop them from altogether. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head against his shoulder and sniffling. “I thought…I thought I could do it. I thought it would be fine, I’m sorry,” she continued, though she honestly had no idea who she was apologising to. Herself? PJ? Sammy? She couldn’t answer that question. Maybe it was all of them.
She heard more than saw the cars file out of the cemetery and go back in the direction of Malinda’s parents house, but she made no move to start walking again. Instead, she curled further in on herself, though the sobs had turned more into silent tears at this point, and she just wanted them to stop. She felt awful. She felt sick and she felt devastated, like this whole day had reopened the wound she’d carefully stitched up, and she felt bad that she’d dragged PJ along with her to this thing that she almost wished she hadn’t gone to in the first place, and she felt even more awful about the fact that part of her wished she’d never gone to the memorial.
It never got any less weird, watching his friends do the things he normally did. The role reversals were just something that was going to happen now it seemed. And this time it was heartbreaking to boot. PJ offered what comfort he could. He let Malinda cry on him even though she was trying not to. He didn’t mind. She needed this. PJ wasn’t so big an idiot that he couldn’t see that. Malinda needed this right now. Seeing that she was trying to wipe away her tears with her coat sleeve, PJ pulled the small pack of tissues he’d made sure to stuff in his pocket before coming today. He knew that they would do little to stem the tide, but he handed them over to Malinda anyway. At the very least it would save her coat sleeves a little.
Then she apologized, and the strangeness of the role reversal hit him again. It was almost frustrating, knowing that every twist of his stomach and pang in his heart was what he’d been inflicting upon his friends every time before this one. “You… don’t have to be sorry, Malinda,” PJ said gently. There was no reason to apologize, not to him, not for this. It was her brother’s funeral. PJ had never expected Malinda to remain entirely composed the whole time, hence the pocket tissues. He wished he had more words. Something more to say, something that would actually help. But PJ wasn’t a poet. Not really. He not great with words. All he could do was just sit there, be there, gently rubbing Malinda’s shoulder as he watched the cars that had brought family and friends to the cemetery head back out again.
She took the tissues offered and wiped the tears away. It was definitely softer than her sleeve, and she was thankful for it. When he brushed off her apology, she gave an awkward laugh. “But I’m ruining your shirt. I’m sorry.” She took one of the tissues from the package and attempted to soak up the tears that had fallen on his shirt and shook her head when it didn’t work. Malinda gave up with a sigh and turned to look back out at the street where the last of the cars were almost out of sight back toward her house. “I think I’d like to go home…back to Hogsmeade, I mean. I don’t think I can go home, home right now. I can’t handle all of those people…” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she turned to look back at PJ. “Can we just go home?”
Deep down, she knew she should have probably gone back to her parents house, said goodbye to everyone, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to deal with pretending she wasn’t hurting and angry. And honestly, she didn’t want to deal with her sister. As much as she loved Elaine and looked up to her, she would end up being responsible for making sure she was safe and all tucked in when she finally crashed, and that wasn’t something she was prepared to do. At all. “I think the next train leaves soon..” she didn’t really know what time it was, but she hoped she was right as she pulled away from PJ and made to stand.
She didn’t have to apologize, because really Malinda wasn’t ruining anything, but this time PJ stayed quiet. Tears were just water. The damp patches where Malinda’s tears had soaked into the fabric would dry with time and after a wash would be removed entirely. If any makeup was left behind, that was easy to deal with. The most likely thing to stain was the grass they were sitting on and grass stains were a breeze to get out. Most stains weren’t nearly so tough as they seemed at first. You just had to find the right solvent. And PJ had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of those. Besides, no garment was as important as Malinda. For her, PJ would suffer a thousand stains.
He did have some reservations about leaving without telling anybody, though. PJ usually made a habit of ensuring that he informed his hosts when he was leaving and it felt terribly rude to Malinda’s family but… Well, Malinda said she didn’t think she could handle it and really, that was all it was going to take to convince PJ. “Alright,” he said with a nod before standing up and straightening out his clothes. “But we should… call or… something. Just to make sure they know not to expect us.” The last thing PJ wanted was for the Uptons to worry that something had happened to Malinda.
PJ had a point. Her family would worry, and she would feel a little bad when they left and there was no notice…but she really didn’t want to deal with it. Sighing softly, she looked down at her foot that was nudging around a rock absently. “I can text my mom…and then turn my phone off?” she offered with a shrug and a questioning look, wondering if he would accept that compromise. She started toward the station down the road, just kind of trudging along. She pulled out her phone and started typing out a message, though her thumb hesitated over the send button for a long while before finally hitting it and quickly turning it off. “Thanks for coming again,” she said, smiling over at her friend gratefully.
That worked, so PJ gave Malinda a nod to say that it was a fine plan. He understood that Malinda probably didn't want to go through the whole to-do of explaining herself and a text was the best way to avoid that. Falling into step beside Malinda, PJ watched to make sure that she actually sent the text before turning her phone off. "Oh... You're welcome," he said, hesitating a bit before adding, "I'm... honored you asked, Mal."
Malinda held the previous day’s Daily Prophet in her hands and stared at the headline mouth agape. Her mind was blank and all she could see were those words: “Tragic Hunting Accident, Sole Heir Dead.” Her chest felt hollow and she couldn’t seem to get a decent breath into her lungs. Sure, they might not have known each other particularly well, but she’d grown a bit attached and had a lot of hope for a future friendship with him. The last time they’d spoken, it’d been surprisingly heartfelt, and she could remember every detail about it, something she clinged to as she tried to find her fine motor skills again and ability to breathe normally. Loss wasn’t something she was ever familiar with, and based on this feeling, it wasn’t anything she ever wanted to experience again.
Gaston had been someone that annoyed her and made her smile all at once. He’d gotten under her skin from the second they met, though it turned around into something more genuine. The question she’d been left with after their last conversation would probably forever go unanswered. Finally able to tear her gaze from the paper, she looked to the untouched letter on her desk. Her handwriting mocked her with every loop and swoosh. The letter hadn’t been anything too interesting, just a quick synopsis of new things in her life, her own confusing feelings, sure he’d be able to sympathise a little with her, and the question she’d wanted to know most of all: did he get the girl? She’d had so much hope for him, that he’d be able to fix things and make it work and that he could be happy. And now he was gone.
The tears began to well up in her eyes, and she felt the paper in her hand crumple as she curled her fist. Malinda darted from her dorm and out of the castle, having a blatant disregard for the person that yelled at her as she pushed past them and left the castle grounds and ran. The tears in her eyes did a good job of blinding her to the world around her as she pushed on, hearing more than feeling the sobs leave her between ragged breaths.
Before too long, Malinda finally slowed to a walk as she entered the greenhouses and wiped her face, leaning against a wall to catch her breath. Sobs still racked her, but there weren’t tears anymore, as she finally let the emotions from everything, as far back as the start of the summer, finally wash over her in a rush. Her lack of sleep, the intensity of the Olympics, her fear and her stress and her anger and her frustrations. She turned and slid down the wall. However, something stopped her halfway down the wall, and for a moment, her anxiety and panicking faltered, and she gasped a little, choking on her breath as she recognised the other person in the greenhouse. “I-I’m sorry,” she managed to get out, almost an automatic reaction as she turned away again so PJ couldn’t see the pain on her face.
Malinda had been keeping a close eye out for the results of the next task, having been spending the time pacing and wringing her hands and drinking more tea than was healthy to try and calm her nerves to no avail. As soon as she heard the results, she went running. PJ was alive, but she still needed to see it for herself. “Peej…PJ?! Where the fuck?!” Her anxiety had never once been this bad in her life, but as she ran through people, she spotted a familiar face and booked it to him. “PJ! Are you okay?!” Dumb question. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” She nearly wrapped her arms around him but stopped at the last moment and let her arms fall to her sides. “I was really, really worried..”
