wicked.
@idjohyun, halloween party, late into the night, status: extremely drunk ( event )
-- dare, pick a fight / start an argument
for all that san makes himself miserable over how lonely he gets, it’s often his own fault. he invites it on himself. there’s a fear there, tunneled somewhere deep in his chest. a knowing that he’ll never meet expectations. that over and over again, he’ll fall flat. never learn how to measure up. to achieve some semblance of perfect. he’ll reach a point where love is no longer earn-able. no new tricks to learn. a fear that someone will cut, leave. and leave him lonelier than before.
so isn’t it funny that he’s solved this by just doing it first?
by swinging himself wildly through emotions, pushing away affection and replacing it with something more physical. stoking fires into fights and lashing out in fury, miscommunication born from the fact that san often refuses to communicate at all. but there’s some sort of imbalance there. a compulsion to hold onto all that wanting. to keep it trained on him. a fear that it will disappear. he doesn’t have a solution. everything he does is messy. a shattered window, shards of glass to step over, that’s often a comparable image to the sorts of relationships san gets himself into.
that dizzy fluctuation between desire and fury. whiplash, and eventually people get sick from it. but it’s easier to stomach when that had been his intention all along.
and that’s exactly the same road that he and johyun had gone down, isn’t it? yeah, they broke up. no, johyun hadn’t really wanted to. san hates him. and then he doesn’t. then he does again. wants his eyes on him, then gets mad when they get stuck there. a gravitational pull that yanks them both in too hard, a collision. broken bodies, and every once in a while they might stop and try to help each other fit everything back in the same place again.
but that’s not for tonight. because san’s in a bad mood. he’s drank too much. has been pulled into too many stupid dares he’s long since gotten sick of. there’s a scowl on his face and a weight on his back. he finds the source of what’s pushing at him when he spots johyun across the room, eyes trained on him. it sends a shiver skittering down his spine. and then irrational anger flaring in his gut. at this point, it’s probably misdirected. meant for himself. but san’s not usually rational sober, let along drunk.
he’d probably have fought with him even if there wasn’t a dare to hide underneath.
“you can’t take a night off from leering?” is what comes out of san’s mouth when he’s close enough. the corner of his mouth is down turned, and it still pisses him off that he has to tip his head back fractionally to meet johyun’s eyes. “i’m getting sick of it.” san continues, turns away from him briefly to order himself another drink he most definitely doesn’t need. “i’m sick of you.” this one comes out a little more bitter, slides cruel off the tip of his tongue.
they both know san does it on purpose. but maybe johyun’s just as masochistic as san is, because he always stays.