LULLABYE || COZI
WHO: Cobie Rogers & Kenzi Harrington.
WHAT: Cozi discover that they’ve lost one of the twins.
WHERE: The ultrasound clinic.
WHEN: Friday 26th August 2016.
WARNINGS: Loss and sadness.
Kenzi had been excited about finally getting to be able to see their babies against for so long. It seemed like forever ago since they saw the twins for the first time, and they could finally get an update and make sure that everything was going well. Bouncing her leg where she sat in the waiting room, Kenzi pulled Cobie’s hand towards her mouth, kissing the back of it tenderly before holding it in her lap. They had been through a rough couple of days since Sage had kissed Kenzi and Cobie hadn’t been the best pleased. Though Kenzi had run all the way home from Sage’s shop and been completely honest with the fact she had kissed back as an automatic response but it didn’t mean anything, Cobie had since been insisting that it meant more to the psychic. Though Kenzi was confused about why it even happened, she was happy to play ignorant, and just look forward to finally being able to see her babies again. “They’re taking a long time,” Kenzi whispered, leg bouncing anxiously, tag hitting against her ankle.
Cobie felt excitement bubbling up inside her stomach as she waited for her name to be called. Finally, her and Kenzi were going to get to see the twins again. It truly felt like it had been years since the last scan, when it had only been a couple of months. Cobie knew that they were definitely growing, because her bump was getting bigger, and she could finally feel little flutters in her stomach, and feel the kicks from the babies feet. Or at least, that's what she assumed those weird sensations were. Smiling as a kiss was pressed to the back of her hand, she turned her head to look at her girlfriend. Things between them had been a little tense over the past few days, due to Cobie still not really getting over the fact that Kenzi kissed someone else. Even if it was sort of accidental, it still hurt her feelings. "I'm sure they'll call us soon," she said softly, placing a hand on a bouncing leg to try and ease Kenzi's anxiety. After a few more minutes, Cobie was finally called into the room, and she hopped up off her chair excitedly. "C'mon, babe, it's time," she said with a slight grin as they entered the room. Trying to steady her nerves, Cobie hopped up onto the bed, her body fidgeting slightly from anticipation.
Kenzi only needed the warmth of Cobie’s hand to sooth her, and her leg managed to steady under her. Sitting still wasn’t something she was good at, and now more than ever, it was a challenge. She blamed the house arrest for that. Finally hearing Cobie’s name called, Kenzi tightened her grip on her girlfriend's hand as they walked towards the examination room. “I can’t wait to see them swimming around in there again,” Kenzi grinned as Cobie settled herself on the bed, and reached out to rest her hand against the swollen bump. It was still overwhelming to think that there were real people growing inside her girlfriend, and they were going to be her children. “We get to find out if it’s a boy and a girl too, right?” She asked, letting her fingers linger against Cobie’s stomach with a loving graze.
Cobie couldn't help but chuckle slightly as her girlfriend mentioned the babies swimming. It was so strange to think about two half grown babies doing somersaults in her stomach, and moving around in all that water. Some days it just seemed completely real, and like she was dreaming. It was still so hard to believe that she was housing two little humans that would demand all her love and attention in a few months. It was so going to be worth it, though. "Mhmm, I think so," Cobie answered, watching Kenzi's hand with a warm smile, before then turning to look at the sonographer who nodded. Soon enough, she was pulling her shirt up in order for the goo to be squirted onto her stomach; it felt just as unpleasant as the last time. Biting down on her lower lip, she watched as the ultrasound transducer was moved over her swollen bump. To say that her heart was racing would be an understatement. Cobie just needed to know that the babies were okay after all the stress and drama that had happened over the past month or so. Craning her neck, she tried to look at the screen that was turned away from them, and then directed her gaze towards the sonographer, their eyes darting around the screen. "Is something wrong?" Cobie asked, her tone full of worry.
Kenzi watched as Cobie moves to lay flat, goo squirted over her stomach. It looked a lot different from last time now that she had a substantial baby belly, and Kenzi couldn’t help but puff her chest with pride thinking that her two special babies caused that to happen. Gripping Cobie’s hand tightly, the dare devil couldn’t help but squirm as she waited for the sonographer to turn the screen around and show them their two growing children. When seconds turned into more than a minute, Kenzi’s heart began to thump loudly in her ears. She almost missed Cobie’s question if something was wrong, swallowing the nervous lump in her throat as her second hand came to join her other around Cobie’s hand. “What’s going on?” She asked, her voice shaking. It had been a really stressful few months, but Cobie has been feeling so much better recently - the babies kicking her and making themselves known and lessening all their worries. “Are they okay?”
Cobie sucked in a deep breath as she felt Kenzi's hands tightly gripping her own. She knew that she was just as worried about what was going on as she herself was. When no response came from the sonographer, and they kept moving the transducer over her stomach, she knew something was wrong. Swallowing thickly, Cobie turned her head to look up at the ceiling, not particularly wanting to make eye contact with Kenzi and worry her more. After a few more seconds, which felt like minutes, a voice finally filled the room, telling them that they were going to fetch someone and would be right back. Her teeth sunk into her lower lip, and she tried to think of any reason that someone else may need to enter the room that wasn't bad, but none came. "It's gonna be fine," Cobie said softly, turning her head to give Kenzi the weakest of smiles, knowing that she'd be just as worried. After what felt like years, the sonographer came back with someone else in toe. They did attempt introducing themselves, but the only sound Cobie could hear was blooding rushing in her ears. When the news that only one heartbeat could be picked up, and that one of the twins had died a few weeks ago left the sonographers mouth, she felt her heart break in her chest. She knew it wasn't physically possible for that to happen, but it was exactly what it felt like. It hurt more than the time she lost her first love, more than all the times her mother called her names, and emotionally abused her. It hurt more than the news that Ofelia had hurt herself, and more than the time she had to break off her engagement. It just...it fucking hurt, and there was nothing she could do about it. She knew that there were tears rolling down her cheeks, but she also knew that they were silent ones. She could hear herself being told, along with Kenzi, that the other twin was fine, and that it was growing normally, and seemed perfectly healthy. But all Cobie could think about was the other baby. The one she'd lost. "What gender are they? Or...were they." she asked, her tone unreadable. She hadn't noticed how tightly she'd been gripping her girlfriend's hand, until she moved her head to look at her, then immediately cast her eyes downward, not wanting to see the look on her face. Her grip must have been crushing, and she loosened it as she finally looked at the screen that had now been turned towards them, the vision of a perfectly healthy, growing baby there in front of her. A boy. Rocket had survived, but Star hadn't, and that was the most bittersweet news Cobie could ever receive.
Kenzi had never truly gotten her heart broken in her life. It hurt when Gabe had died, and it hurt when Cobie had broken off their engagement. Honestly, the past few weeks of her life - being cooped up at home because of house arrest, had been hurting. But this? This was a new kind of hurt. She had heard stories about people that felt as though their heart literally broke in two within their chest, and it had been unimaginable until now. Throughout Cobie’s whole pregnancy so far, Kenzi had just fallen more and more in love with the twins, imagining the life she could have with both of them when they were finally ready to be born. It had been ripped from both of them, and Star, their baby girl, was dead. She did everything Candice had asked from her - she had risked her life, scarred her body for life, experienced things that had been giving her nightmares for weeks and was still facing a murder charge for something she didn’t do. She had done everything she could to keep Cobie and the babies safe, but the cruel twist of the universe had killed one of them already. She hadn’t even realized how hard Cobie had been crushing her hand until she turned to look at her. Though the glance was only fleeting, Kenzi’s already raw heart ached even more at the heartbroken, tearstained expression on her girlfriends’ face. When Cobie’s grip lessened, Kenzi brought her second hand to join on top of Cobie’s as they looked at the scan of their baby boy. He was healthy and he was going to be okay. Though Kenzi was overjoyed for their little son, there was supposed to be two. She had never met Star, or gotten to hold her, but she still loved her so much. “He’s… perfect,” Kenzi whispered, fighting back the sobbing she knew wouldn’t stop when she started. She had to try her best to stay strong for Cobie, at least until they got home. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Kenzi moved to press a kiss to Cobie’s temple as the sonographer moved to print them out pictures of the scan.
Cobie was glad to have Kenzi's hands on her own as she felt them begin to tremble. Her whole body was beginning to shake, and she knew that it was because she needed to let out everything she was feeling, but she couldn't. Not right there in that moment, at least. She needed to get home, and then cry and let out everything she felt inside. "He is." It was surprising that she managed to get the words out without her voice breaking, but luckily she managed. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as she felt Kenzi's lips against her temple, she managed to talk herself into holding herself together for just a little longer. Everything was just so unfair. Kenzi and Ofelia had risked their lives trying to keep her and the babies safe, yet Star had still died. She died because of Candice's stupid little games, and the stress it had put on Cobie. To say that she felt guilty was an understatement, but the anger she felt towards the woman who had been torturing them was stronger. If her baby died, then Candice deserved to die, too. Once they were handed the scan pictures, they were told about counselling available for the both of them, and given leaflets with information on how to get through losing a child. Cobie wasn't interested at all, though. She didn't need to talk, it wouldn't help. All she needed was for Star to be alive, and healthy like her brother. Wiping the goo off her stomach, Cobie climbed off the bed and tried her hardest to will herself to make it to the car without breaking. She had to be strong, if not for herself and Kenzi, then for Rocket. She couldn't let the same thing that happened to Star happen to him, just because she was upset and stressed again. "Let's go," she mumbled to her girlfriend, grabbing her hand and trying to get out of the door as quickly as possible.
Kenzi couldn’t help but think that the rest of their time in the examination room seemed to go by like a blur in front of her eyes. They were handed an envelope of scan pictures and leaflets about grief counselling, Cobie had cleaned up and somehow, they were making their way out. All Kenzi knew was that Cobie’s hand was in her own, and they were leaving. They had gotten there thinking that they were a family of four, and leaving a family of just three. Star had been dead for weeks, but to them, they had only just known they had lost their daughter. As they walked from the building and towards where they had parked the car, Kenzi started to wake up from her blind-sighted status. Cobie needed her now, more than she ever had. Just as they got to the car and she knew Cobie was about to drop her hand to get into the car, Kenzi’s grip tightened as she came to a halt. As a still silence fell between them, Kenzi tugged lightly at her girlfriends’ hand, willing her to turn around and look at her. When she did, Kenzi didn’t say a thing. Instead, she stood on her tiptoes and took Cobie into her arms, wrapping them around her shoulders tightly. She didn’t need to say anything - neither of them did. They had to go home and grieve. They had to process that they had just lost a child. After everything that had happened - after lives being risked to keep Cobie safe - after Kenzi had done awful things to ensure her children wouldn’t be harmed by a psychopath… Star was dead. They had to go home and grieve, but right now? Right now, they needed to take a moment. “I love you,” Kenzi whispered, her voice muffled against Cobie’s neck.
Cobie wasn't really sure how she'd made it to the car without breaking down, but she'd managed. She tried to keep her mind focused on the feel of Kenzi's hand in her own, and the vision of seeing Rocket moving around in her stomach. Focusing on the good things seemed like a the best idea, because if she thought about how they'd just lost their daughter, she knew she wouldn't be able to control her emotions. When they reached the car, and Kenzi's grip tightened, Cobie sucked in a deep breath. She knew that her girlfriend wanted to look at her, but she didn't want to see the crushing look that was probably on her face. Slowly turning, she kept her eyes on the floor as much as she could, and a short gasp left her lips as she felt strong arms wrapping around her. Slowly, and slightly robotically, Cobie's own arms lifted to wrap around the shorter girl. As those three simple, yet meaningful words hit her ears, Cobie felt like she was going to die. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in her chest, and her stomach dropped. How could Kenzi still love her? She'd failed her completely. Because of her, Star had died. It was her fault. She hadn't protected her well enough, and now she was gone. "I'm sorry..." It came out as a choked sob, and before Cobie knew what was happening, all her weight was resting on Kenzi, and her fists were tightening around her shirt. The guilt was eating her alive already, and she felt so nauseous and cripplingly sad. "It's my fault she's dead." The tears were uncontrollable now, and the thought that her own daughter had died because of her was almost too much to bear. In fact, it was. As her body shook, she tried to pull back from Kenzi, but the thought of looking her in the eye was too much, so instead she buried her face deep in her neck and hoped that eventually, she'd find the courage to do it.
Kenzi had never before felt the level of sadness in her heart that she felt when Cobie’s hands gripped onto her clothes. As her girlfriend started to cry for their lost daughter, Kenzi kept her hold strong, holding up Cobie’s weight. When the choked sorry reached her ears, Kenzi’s grip only tightened. As far as she was concerned, Cobie had nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all. Cobie was an amazing mother, and there had been so much stress the past few months. None of which was her fault. Not one single thing. The fact that Cobie was blaming herself, saying it was her fault, was the most heartbreaking thing Kenzi could have imagined. Cobie had lost a child, and the last thing she needed to do was to wrongly blame herself. “No,” Kenzi whispered, a hand coming to the back of Cobie’s head to hold her in place. They couldn't break apart - not now. With a whimper, Kenzi’s eyes finally broke into watering, the tightness in her chest not being able to keep it all in any longer. “It ain’t your fault… Don’t say that,” She insisted with a sniff. “If it was, Rocket wouldn’t be so healthy.. He’s perfect and healthy. This ain’t your fault… It’s not, I promise,” Holding Cobie against her, Kenzi fished her phone out of her pocket to sneakily and quickly send her mom a text to pick them up, and that it was an emergency. She didn’t want Cobie driving. She didn’t want Cobie doing a thing. Perhaps if she had done more things for her, perhaps if she had tried harder to keep Cobie completely away from the Candice drama, then things would have been better. Perhaps if she hadn’t told anyone about the fire, or the letters, or any of it… Then maybe things would be different. Perhaps, perhaps… But none of it made a difference. Star was dead. “I’m so sorry, too..” Kenzi sighed, resting her head against the side of Cobie’s, holding back her sobs. When they got home, they could scream and sob and cry. When they got home, Kenzi would hold Cobie and be whatever she needed her to be.