#paracer

[here-i-am-again-god]

watching Disney try to establish "evil" characters without them doing anything actually bad is hilarious. they're in the writers room like "they'll wear a lot of leather and . . . do light parkour and . . . walk on tables and . . . eat chocolate belligerently? idk man that's all I got"

[here-i-am-again-god]

it has to be said

[here-i-am-again-god]

yeah okay I'm still on this. the end of movie 3 is just a mess.

in what world is bringing the barrier down a logical solution to anything? two movies ago, four villains wanted out of the barrier so they could take revenge on their enemies on the other side. as far as we know, three of those villains are still alive and well with that same resentment bubbling inside. like what, now they're free to go without so much as a therapy appointment? holy shit

but then on a greater narrative sense, I feel like it's a similar cop out to redeeming Audrey in less than a minute. the story is telling us that no one is a villain after all, no one deserves punishment despite threatening harm to others, and we can all be redeemed and live together in harmony if only there was a four mile bridge to sing and dance across

But that's just not true. And worse, it cheapens the original four's very real and very difficult choice to be good in the first movie, and Uma's choice to help Auradon even when she believed it wouldn't benefit her at the end of D3.

Not to mention Uma's line when she sees the barrier go down:

Like yeah, that was her plan, but like Ben said in the limo in D2, it was a bad plan. She was well-intentioned but nevertheless had a bad plan. freeing the Isle children is noble. bringing down the entire barrier to do it is poorly conceived and desperate. she deserved to get her dream of freeing the Isle kids but that barrier should've stayed tf up.

[here-i-am-again-god]

Ranking Descendants Villain Kid Names

Uma - excellent if only for the UuuuuuuuMA in What's My Name and It's Goin Down. The songs hype the name up a lot and honestly, it delivers

Celia - actually a quite clever twist on Facilier. Bonus points that it does sound like a New Orleans name. No I can't elaborate on that

Carlos - it intrigues me how it's the only common/"real" name out of the core four. I wonder if it has anything to do with his mother's original story being based in the real world instead of fantasy. But probably not.

Mal - would be worse since I think just shortening the name of the parent is lazy, but it's saved a little by the benevolent/malevolent thing they supposedly had cooking. Also it's literally "bad" in Spanish which is funny af

Gil - rumor has it (rumor bc I have not taken the very easy steps to verify) he has a brother named Gaston Jr. and personally I think that would have been much funnier and more meaningful/believable than "Gil." But I can't deny the appeal of a pirate named Gil

Jay - Disney decided that having the same first letter of your name as your parent wasn't enough--they had to make Jay's name *just* the first letter of his dad's name. boo

Evie - a little (lot) on the nose for the "evil" kids but I guess they had to riff off "Evil Queen" somehow. Still, there were other options. Evelyn. Eva. Evangeline. Evanna. Literally anything. Sigh.

Harry - I gotta believe Hook would have come with something much cooler

Dizzy - in what world would a baby girl born into a family with snooty/elegant names like Anastasia and Drusilla name a kid Dizzy? I choose to believe it's a nickname. Like it literally has to be

Squeaky and Squirmy - won't even dignify these with an opinion

Ranking Hero Names

[here-i-am-again-god]

my love for Mal directly stems from my love for flawed female characters (and my parallel dislike for flawless female characters). like I agree that both Uma and Evie are more selfless and care more about the Isle kids and are more transparent about their intentions than Mal. either of them would have (maybe) made a better queen. but they weren't The Chosen One, Mal was, and I think that's the tragedy of all the best hero stories: the feeling that you're the wrong person for the job, that you'll never succeed, and that anyone would have been better than you for this burden/honor/mission but somehow you have to muddle through as the imperfect mess you are.

I do believe Mal never wanted to be queen. On the boat in the 2nd movie, she chooses to stay and work for Ben, not for the crown. even though she says she now feels good enough to be with Ben, I don't think she believes it. I love Mal because she spends the entire trilogy reeking of inadequacy. she keeps getting impossible tasks--steal the most guarded magical weapon of Auradon, go from gang leader to prep school darling in a month, protect both the children of the Isle and the people of Auradon from countless threats--and one thing I like about her hero journey is she refuses the call every single movie instead of just once. she really tries her damndest to remove herself from the picture, but she keeps getting yanked back into this fuckin mess. She's a hero tied to the mast of her journey to keep her from jumping overboard.

I know I've said it before, but it's the kind of failing up that we rarely get to see from female characters. she is the antithesis of all the brave and kind and selfless and perfect Disney princesses that came before her. she's truly not from Auradon, not from the fairytales, not hero material. and yet she deserves love and mercy too. and isn't that what the entire franchise is about?

[here-i-am-again-god]

Weird to me that the first four Isle kids brought over were supposed to be the ones who needed help the most, but the second four seemed like very safe choices. Celia clearly has a good relationship with her father and seems fairly well-adjusted. Dizzy is a sugar cupcake pixie whose primary Isle "mischief" is cutting hair and using spray paint too liberally. And there's no way Smee is the worst dad on the Isle. The half second clip we get of him with his sons seems very gentle and caring. So just in general I find it interesting that Ben was like "go big or go home" and the actual VKs were like "who are the most harmless middle schoolers I can find? welcome to Auradon"

[here-i-am-again-god]

"the only thing more powerful than the scepter is Hades's ember" okay then why did Maleficent want the wand so badly two movies ago when she already had the scepter? and why was the wand in a tricked out force field in the museum and the scepter was just sitting there?

[here-i-am-again-god]

I gotta be honest, Jane is so beautiful that it distracts me from the plot. Like oh no, Mal looks stressed, I wonder--omg how are Jane's eyes that big and blue?

Aw, Carlos looks so nervous to ask out--shit her hair is so curly and dark and shiny.

Wait that's so cute! FG is happy for her daughter dating Carlos! That's--holy fucking shit she's so GORGEOUS WHAT.

There's crack in her beautiful eyes I swear

Anyway, it just always seemed hilarious to me that they gave Jane the "I'm not pretty enough" shtick because she's the actress/character who takes my breath away most often in the series. Classic teen movie makeover of an already beautiful girl.

Bonus adorable faces:

Anyway this has been a certified Women Are So Pretty post. See you next time on I've Taken Too Many Screenshots of These Movies.