#parakaycrush

[nasaktan-nga]

Sana makita mo kung paano kita vinalue for 4 years. You deserve best things in this world!!

[ihatemeninpink]

NP: What's It Like

While it's never going away anytime soon, this pain lurking closer than I'd like to admit to myself will fade over time. I know that. I believe in my capacity to overcome pain. And I am perfectly capable of living, while not as happy as I deserve to be, with the amount of peace I need to breathe.

[ihatemeninpink]

NP: Heart Out

04062018 (10:04 AM) 

I find myself missing you. And your presence in my phone. Oh! How I wish I could take myself back weeks ago and do everything differently.

I was aloof and distant when you were only trying to be yourself - and funny, by the way.

It was my decision to be rational; do what’s right for me. Be cautious when it comes to crushes that might turn into unrequited something. I’ve had lots of those in the past - it always ended the same way; me distancing myself to get over the crush. It was the right thing for me, but, really, I wasn't doing what would make me happy. It did help, though. In fact, doing the right thing led me to where I am now - helped me graduate, pass the bar, and got me a great job.

I seem to forget, though, the fact that I reached all the goals my parents and I have set for myself and now I'm lost. What's my new goal? What do I want now? Everything I need, I can have by showing up for work everyday, meeting the deadlines, occasionally meeting with clients, and doing well in my cases. So, really, I can have everything I need because I can work very hard.

Now, I keep asking myself, "Is it time to focus on things that I want?" Is it okay now to allow myself to miss someone like you? Is this finally the time to listen to what my heart wants before everything else? Because, really, isn't that the point of living? Working myself to death, anyway, isn't a way to live, right?

And then, I woke up this morning before my alarm went off so I thought of you. For days, I tried my very best to forget you. For days, it has been exhausting. So... how about I stop now?

Right?

Yes, I find myself missing you. You make me smile and that's good enough for me. You make me want to explore all the things I took for granted while I was busy being a good daughter. When I listen to you ramble on about anything, I feel like I still have to experience a lot in this life - and I have been around, thrown in the mud, and broken down many times, mind you. You make me want to be better at being myself. I never had to be someone else when I talk to you and you never, not once, made me feel like it was unladylike of me to be this way. I feel like you would be good for me - although, that's also the danger. You might be too good for me. Too good that, really, I almost feel like someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you. It feels like I am never going to be good enough or even good for you. In my eyes, you suddenly became so unattainable and so unbelievably up there that a simpleton like me wouldn't measure up. Someone like you surely would have a roster of all the great and beautiful ladies who will match what you can offer. And believe me, I don't have a lot to go on with here. Just myself and my baggage. Hahaha. So is it unwise of me to miss you and the butterflies that you give me?

Don't get me wrong, though. I am happy as I am now. I find happiness in the littlest things. I embrace life's simple joys. I don't stress myself over things that I have absolutely no control of. I am happy. I mean it when I say that while I might be alone, I'm never lonely because I never allow myself to be. But would it be too much to think of you? Would it be too much to wish that I was happier? And with you?

[ihatemeninpink]

So that's it. Damn it!

I was so sure that I would, on my own, finally learn whatever this is I’m feeling. I can’t quite accept with finality whatever this is because I have no idea what ‘this’ is. And I saw you again. It wasn’t planned, but I made the conscious decision to see you. To settle this once and for all. To finally tell myself and try to move past 'this’.

Damn it!

I have feelings for you.

I have no idea how it happened or when exactly it started. All I know is why.

You were fucking nice.

Why did you have to be so nice and polite?

You weren’t a regulation 'hottie’ or anything of the sort, at least not in my book, although most, if not all, girls admire you. Before, I didn’t know what they were seeing. Maybe because they were just seeing the face. And I never look at a face. I always thought that your appeal came from being a musician - an artist, and that’s all they see. I refused to see that back then. I never admire anyone for what other people know or say about them, just like I didn’t like you before because I never got the chance to know you.

And then our paths crossed again. And I fucking flipped.

I don’t know when, but I did. You were so nice and polite. You have good taste in music. You were very observant. And I find it endearing every time you laugh at the way I talk, however crass it was. I knew you were just being polite, but the sound of your laugh always makes me smile.

I don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was because of proximity? Or because I became so comfortable around you that I didn’t even feel the need for filter when I speak. I didn’t really care what you thought of me because I wasn’t trying to look good in your eyes. I didn’t care. Honestly.

Until I did.

Until I realized that it wasn’t just the ease and familiarity anymore that drew me in. I didn’t know it was becoming something else.

I was developing a crush on you. And I didn’t see it. I didn’t expect it. How the fuck would I know when I became so good at being single I didn’t remember how it felt when other feelings are creeping in? How the hell am I supposed to know? All the books I have read and not a single one prepared me for this.

The resolution was short-lived, though. It helped that another job offer came knocking at my door. I didn’t even have enough time to confirm it or put it to a test, you know, just in case. So I distanced myself.

Until now.

I decided to just go for it. Life’s too short to be beating myself up over something that might be nothing.

I went for it and saw you.

And talked.

And talked.

And I felt something familiar. That irregular beat in my chest. Deafening. First - slow, as if doubting its existence, then a skip, and another, then the unstoppable. Constant. Louder and louder.

I looked at you, and I went cold.

Damn!

It was so fucking hard to mask it that all I could do was talk to drown the loud thumping, still overwhelming. I needed to hear myself. I needed to be myself. I looked away several times and talked to other people in the room, because if I didn’t, that would’ve been the end of me. And the mask will come off. Just like before.

So there. I ended it. It was done. I saw you and I knew.

Finally.

Finally, I can put it to rest.

I have absolutely no game when it comes to a crush. Or even when it comes to a possibility of a love, however unrequited I know it’s going to be.

Absolutely no game.

Here I am left with this. Nothing to do with it.

What do I do? What do I say?

I know.

Nothing.

I knew from the start that you were unattainable. And you have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. How could you, when I am so ordinary? I might be a lawyer, but I know for a fact that that doesn’t make any difference.

This is something I have to overcome. And I know I can do it. Just brush it off, I say. Maybe not immediately, but I’ll get there. I have to.

I might give it time. I needed to feel the pain. It’s all I have left because I can’t have you.

[graceisgrateful]

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[typicaldamsel]

Ang hirap maging babae. Kung torpe yung lalake kahit may gusto ka, di mo masabi.

[maechellexcvi]

in between

you will always be the glance behind my shoulder the stolen looks from across the room the comfortable distance in a coffee table the face i see but will never encounter you are my lukewarm tea you are my bittersweet coffee you are the happiest sadness i felt you are the silence i keep when you hurt me without knowing you are the smile i put on when i hear you talk about her you are the facade i play when you point out my flaws, by praising her beauty you will always be my reflection something i’ll always see with me but i can never touch you are, and will always be in between

[reeflectionslair-blog]

Ang crush kong...

So ayun, may crush ako. Last school year pa actually. Chinito sya, manipis ang mga labi, skinny pero matalino. Nasa honorary roll sya. Gusto ko sya pero hindi ko sinasabing in love ako, HAHAHA! As in kapag nandyan, di ako makatingin ng diretso pero pag di nakatingin... sinusulyapan ko. Anakng putsfa! May sayad ata ko eh. Minsan nga, naiisip ko na masyado na akong hibang. Asa pa di ba? May nagkakagusto sa kanya sa school namin na sobrang vocal. Grabe, naiingit ako sa kanya. Kasi vocal sya. Gustuhin ko mang maging vocal, alam ko sa sarili kong hindi pwede. Hindi nga kami close sa classroom, tapos baka maging bato pa yung closeness namin. Ano daw? Basta ayun. Natatakot ako na... aishi! Sabi ng iba, umamin na daw ako. Alam naman nya eh... kaso ayaw nya lang pag-usapan. Awkward yun 'no! basta ayun... kapag bumagsak ako o kay lumagapak ang top ko this quarter, KAKALIMUTAN KO NA SYA AT MAG-AARAL NA NG MABUTI. Kekekeke~